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**RTDU**

Entry 3: 10th July, 1999

We leave in the morning. I am so glad to have a week off of work for once. I shouldn't say that. I did take a few days back in July last year to try and find my parents, but since then I just haven't had the time. I have plenty of days I can take, I just need to get my work done. It's been so busy in the ministry and even though Kingsly says he can spare me so I can find my parents, I just don't believe him somehow. Being the Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister makes sure I see all of the chaos and I have always had the problem of not letting go well. It doesn't help that I've been trying to bring a positive vision of this job to the public, considering the troll who held it before me. I feel awful about not trying harder right now, but Luna told me that they are safe and that I should go when the time is right, not before. How she knows whether or not they are okay is known only to her, but she is almost never wrong, so I have let it be.

Ron is glad to have the time as well since he's been essentially working double. He does enjoy working at WWW, but since he's also been training in hopes of getting chosen for a team, the poor man is exhausted. I've never seen him work so hard, and it is rather nice to see. I didn't think he'd ever be able to push himself so much, but he is motivated for once, and I'm happy for him. Trouble is, I'm happy for him like in the sense of seeing him grow up and finally apply himself. Not in the sense of my love having a major life moment and taking hold of it. Damn it!

Am I countering every good thing about him with a negative or is this just how I have always seen him? I would consider reliving my memories but I don't think that a third person perspective would help in any way. I remember them well enough and viewing the past through the filter of the present won't change what happened. I don't want to intentionally or unconsciously influence myself against Ronald. Again, he doesn't deserve that. I may not love him like I thought I did, but at the least he has earned my respect. The best thing I can do for that is to try my best to accept what we have while working toward other goals. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong about that perspective, but then again, this is probably the most morally difficult situation I have ever been in.

Before now everything was so clear. Fighting the war against Voldemort wasn't all that hard to see as just. When the only enemy is yourself, well, it is understandably less transparent.

Having said that, in a way keeping a secret journal about these things feels like I am lying. Technically it is, but it is no different than talking to a therapist. And now I am questioning the polarity of every action I take. I am either overreacting or taking the most accurate approach to ensure I do not go astray and destroy all that I love.

This volume has as I mentioned earlier been infused with spells to keep it from being read by Ronald. I can hide it just fine during the day but I am sure that he will see me writing in it eventually. Whether or not…

Alright, I have to admit I spaced out for a minute there and have no idea what I was going to say. Well, I did after all decide I wasn't going to erase anything I write. Add perhaps, but I will not pretend perfection.

Anyway, Ronald is eventually going to see me writing in this journal, so I will have to answer at least some questions about it. Either way I will be lying by omission or straight up fibbing. I don't like it, but again, until I decide what to tell him, I need secrecy. Should I really be feeling so badly about this or is that just the guilt?

Anyway, the point is that I attuned this book to my magical signature to make sure that I am the only one who can read it. There were other ways to do it, but less likely to work and much more complicated. As it is, this was difficult enough since magical signatures are so specific. I had to make sure that it responds only to my energy and then I had to make it only respond to my energy when I am in contact with it. I nearly made it only show words whenever I am within range of it which wouldn't help me at all. Oh yes someone could read it, only as long as I am there to watch in horror. No thanks.

Basically I designed it so that the ink is entirely transparent unless I am touching the book, at which point the light will no longer be able to pass through it and will instead reflect off of it, showing the words. Others usually hide the words with magic, but I figured people would be less likely to consider the possibility of using light as the protector. True invisible ink. This will be especially important this week since bringing anything out of the ordinary is going to be a bit more obvious.

I did manage to go shopping today and pick up some lingerie that may peak his interest and a perfume that will hopefully interact well with my pheromones. Not that he needs anything to help with his sex drive, but I'm going to try in whatever ways I can to help us along. I can't start overcompensating though.

Anyway, off to bed. Our flight leaves bright and early.

For now,

Friendship, Bravery, and love.

Okay, apparently sleep chooses to elude me this evening. I was going to read, but something told me to just keep writing. I do enjoy it, something about the creation and manipulation of words. As much as I love reading, writing is its own pleasure. I can tell that my verbiage changes depending on what I am writing about. Whether or not that is a result of topic word allowance or my mood affecting what words I generate, I know not. The more existential the topic, the more pros seems to appear. It is at least a curiosity to note.

Perhaps while I am writing for the sake of writing for something to do, I should write down some other thoughts. Ronald, Harry and I do get together on a frequent enough basis, at least once every other week. Harry and I though have lunch together every day since we both work in the Ministry. I've considered it as maybe being too much since Ginny mentioned it to me as a concern for her, but Harry said to not worry about it. He, surprisingly, went for being in the Wizengamot and splitting his time between that and spell research. Who would have thought he would have a knack for politics and arithmancy. I think we all thought he was going to be an Auror, but he said he is tired of the actual fighting. So we get to talk about spell theory and politics during our lunches and honestly, even that is enough for me. It isn't romantic or anything, and it isn't purely academic. We just, understand one another. The hour we have for lunch is fun and relaxing and, oh it's just so wonderful. Whenever one of us is out sick or too busy to meet, it isn't the same. It is the best part of the day.

As I said, Ginny asked me if anything was going on when Harry mentioned we kept having lunch together. It caught me by surprise that she would even ask that so directly. I of course told her no. Honestly though, it is true. Yes I love him, but those lunches aren't even about that. Harry is my closest friend. If Ginny and I were that close I would do the same. In this case it isn't the person, it is the mind. I love talking to him and we love learning from one another. He really does like to think more than he used to imply. I still destroy him in philosophical debates, but he likes to pretend he is wise and get all existential on me. As if. Poor thing doesn't stand a chance. He'll have to read loads more to catch up in that area.

I think that part of the reason Ginny was worried is because she was at Hogwarts for the last year while we all began our careers. She was separated from us in a way and so I can understand why she might have felt that way. Ah well, nothing for it now I suppose.

Alright, I really do need to get to sleep now. It is getting really late and I have no interest in sleeping on the flight, I don't trust the things enough to relax that much.

Again for now and hopefully the last time tonight,

Friendship, bravery, and love.