Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling
**RTDU**
Entry 6: 27th August, 1999
It seems that I must remind my brain, that just because there is a maelstrom of conflicting emotions to manage, does not mean that I can hide from myself. The entire point of keeping a journal was to decipher my feelings and better grasp what I must do. Instead I have spent the last weeks hiding from what I do not understand. Or rather, hiding from the things I understand, that conflict with one another. Either way, it is unhealthy and I must confront this properly.
Again.
I love them both, and I don't want to love them both. Why can't our emotions remain within the reach of our control? I am not supposed to be a conflicted wreck like this.
Again though, process helps. Order your thoughts and go forward so at the least if anyone ever reads this you don't look insane.
The honeymoon was amazing. Ronald managed to find interest in some of the historical bits, and I did enjoy the games. I don't think it was our interest in those areas, I truly believe we enjoyed them because the other did. That is something that has been hard for us. Our passions are so different that we just let them be separate. For that week, I fell in love with Ronald again. Since? Well it has been business as usual. We have made fair attempts at integrating one another's interests, but I have to be honest, it isn't working. I really don't like this. I don't like seeing us the way we are every day. I don't like arguing, I don't like not knowing how to connect with him. I don't like what I have done.
Yeah that hurts a bit. Ah self honesty how you injure us all.
I was young, am young, and thought I was in love, and married one of my friends. I can admit that I married the wrong friend. Whether or not I should have married Harry remains to be seen, but I do at least know that I buggered this one up big time. The only times Ronald and I are really happy with each other is either when we are forced to accept what the other is doing, or when having sex. That is so pathetic. Why in the bloody hell did I go through with this? What is wrong with me?
Alright so I know I messed up; the question is what to do about it. Is this an instance where you lie in the bed you make or where you fix the mistake you made. Maybe there isn't a right answer, and either way seems wrong. Ultimately of course I am left with the same options as before.
**RTDU**
Entry 7: 15th September, 1999
I'm doing it again, honestly why the hell am I so self-destructive sometimes? I couldn't possibly lie to myself about wanting this determined, so why am I hurting myself like this?
I am so dedicated to my education and work and yet I won't give myself the same effort. What does that say about one's emotional self-worth? I thought I respected myself better than this, but it would seem I have learning to do. I'm nearly 20 and can't even help myself through a clearly important situation like this. I really do need to see a therapist it would seem.
Just keep writing, that is the entire point of this after all.
A couple of weeks ago when we had dinner with Ron's parents, Molly hinted at children. I know she loves me dearly, but the look she gave me made me feel like I'm some 1950s housewife who is just supposed to lay on her back and pump out babies for her husband. I was so hacked off that I had to force myself not to cut my steak to ribbons. Ron was pretty good about it though I suppose. He told her that we had both decided to wait until he has a solid career as well since he wants to set a good example for the kids. Honestly, that surprised me and I had to ask him afterwards if he was serious.
Apparently he was. Ron said that he'd been thinking about it and he doesn't think it is as good an idea as he had thought considering that eh doesn't have a solid career.
Mind, the rest of the conversation at dinner had returned to discussing numbers of children and how Ron was going to be making loads of money. It wasn't said directly but it was clearly implied that I would not be the primary bread-winner in the household. I don't even care if I am, but suggesting that I'll just be playing mum for the rest of my life does nothing for my composure. Arthur, thankfully, had nothing to contribute to that segment fo the discussion and instead he and I talked about work. He sometimes joins Harry and I for lunch and we've grown quite close to him. Arthur is really a good man, but he's just more of a follower to Molly in most cases. He isn't weak, not at all, but I think he just lets her make the calls most of the time. Her personality is a lot more dominant than his, so it does make sense. Its just sad though.
When he met us for lunch the next week at work, Arthur took me aside and apologized for the turn of the discussion and said not to listen to Molly and to be exactly who I am. We hugged, but part of me wished he had said that at dinner.
So, to actually move things forward, I've been reading, of course, on the subject of marriage. Much of the literature suggests not letting issues fester, so I tried to talk to Ron about the whole matter later on and tell him how it made me feel.
We fought instead.
I haven't shared with Harry since I don't want to be telling him bad things about his friend. The last thing I want to do is cause a rift of any kind. I'll try talking to Ron about it again, but we need to talk rather than argue, it isn't helping. Honestly, how did we ever think this was a good pairing?
Tomorrow I am requiring of myself that I reach out to a therapist of some kind. Reading is only going to get me so far.
Wow, I really did just write that. Something must be wrong with me. Note to self, never repeat those words in Harry or Ron's vicinity, they will never let me live that down.
Alright so i have a goal for tomorrow. I am going to be better for myself. I need to be better for myself. This isn't just about my relationship with Ronald or how i feel about Harry, it's about me as well. I have to take care of that too.
For now,
Friendship, bravery, and love.