Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.
**RTDU**
Entry 8: 16th September, 1999
I'm so excited! This weekend, Ronald, Harry, Ginny and I are going to visit Neville at Hogwarts. He has been apprenticed to Professor Sprout since he left school and is working on his Mastery in Herbology. He has a project he's been working on that he wants to show us. I understand the basic sciences of the art but herbology was never my strongest area of study. I think growing things is wonderful in its own right, but biology in itself has never drawn out my interest very much. I am glad that he enjoys it so. Neville struggled for so long in school and he's so confident now. I swear if he had been like this sooner he might have been the one to demand that we form the D.A. in fifth year, maybe even teach it if Harry had refused. But, what ifs do no one any good.
Apparently we will be going somewhere for my birthday dinner, and no one will tell me where. Its sweet of them, but it really isn't necessary. I really just want mum and daddy back. Maybe its childish, but I miss my parents and they are really all I truly want. I still have nightmares about what I've done to them, though of course I've never said anything to anyone. To turn my wand on them, it was hard to aim at the backs of their heads because I was crying so hard. They trusted me and I used magic on them; the one thing they could never defend themselves against. I don't see how they could ever forgive me for something like that. That is, if I ever find them again. They've disappeared and i'm the one who did it to them.
If I hadn't had the opportunity to show them some magic when I got home, then obliviating them would have been my first legal spell cast outside of school. I'm not sure honestly what that would have done to me. As it is, I struggle with the thought. They really loved my patronus. Mum actually tried to cuddle the otter before it passed right through her. God i love them so much.
Is there anything more cruel than being the one to tear apart your family, regardless of the cause? I know it was for a good reason, but that does not in any way diminish the pain of that memory. And now there are tear marks on the page, I'll spell them away later if I can.
I just want them back.
They're nearly the only family I have. All that is left is my aunt Tracy and uncle Steven and their kids Martin and Sarah. I love those kids so much, they used to come over to play loads during the summers. Those two must be both nearly teenagers now. Anyway, they're a bit estranged now too, since my parents were having trouble explaining things away, and now I've just lost all touch with them. I don't even know how to explain everything to them even if I could.
I just want mum and daddy back.
I want daddy to call me pumpkin again. I want mum to brush my hair again. I want to listen while they make each other laugh and act like children again. I just want them back.
Is that too much to ask?
Why couldn't I have come up with a better solution? I should have been smarter, more creative.
It isn't as if writing this down is an apology to the universe girl, it isn't going to bring them back.
As the author Terry Goodkind says in his books, "Think about the solution, not the problem."
The solution is to get to Australia, so I need to find out who will come with me, and i need to get time off. God are they going to be mad at me for marrying Ronald like a love-starved teenager? Oh please I hope not.
Aak!
Alright, focus.
That's enough self-hatred for now, I need to be better about managing those feelings. I'm not ready to get rid of them just yet, so maybe the therapist can help if I can find a way to explain it all.
Speaking of, I spoke to a woman today and she has a few openings. Her name is Sasha and she is a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist, but I don't intend to get medication as it is, so as far as I am concerned that will be plenty for me. She seems really nice and her office isn't far from the ministry, so i can walk like a normal person rather than having to contrive some sneaky way of getting there every week. I'm not sure if I should tell Ronald though, considering his views on the matter. In general the magical world doesn't look too kindly upon the need for a mind healer, so I brought it up a long time ago to him in a way I thought would be fine. Let's just say that his response sparked another argument that has remained unresolved to this day.
My first appointment will be next Wednesday. She said that the first is used to see if we will be a good fit and go through paperwork, rather than to get any actual work done.
I am nervous of course. I don't like that I will have to hide a lot from someone who is just trying to help me, but I don't have loads of options right now. I want to better myself, and that needs to remain my primary focus right now.
I've gone on about a lot already, but there is one other thing I think I need to do for myself. I've found that I really do enjoy writing and it is helping me loads, even though sometimes I clearly avoid it against my better health. There are some experiences I want to write down that I need to process more than I have, but need a lot of detail to capture properly. Awful sentence that one, wow. Anyway, I've decided to start writing them down, certain moments at least in a similar book to this. I'm going to call it "Moments of Reflection." Its a fitting title I believe. I mean it describes my overall intent with the project and i really believe I am going to enjoy it. Besides, i really need to improve upon my writing. Enjoying it doesn't make me any decent at the skill. I'm not sure what my first piece will be, but I know of several I want to write. I need to heal myself in my own way; hopefully this will help.
For now,
Friendship, bravery, and love.
**RTDU**
A/N: Yes, she is serious and so am I. They will be published as an anthology under the title "Moments of Reflection," as a companion to this story. For those who read this story, pieces published in that one will reflect—heh, see what I did there?—what is happening in this story, though they need not be connected. I hope you like them.
Elise