Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.
A/N: This is a little longer than usual since I was out of internet for a few days and so couldn't post when it hit 1000 Words.
**RTDU**
Entry 10: 18th September, 1999
I honestly don't even feel like writing right now. I'm just doing it because I said I would and already failed so many times in a row that I feel like leaving it again is just going to encourage further avoidance. There isn't anything particular at the moment I don't want to deal with, I just don't feel like writing. There, I've covered it.
For now,
Friendship, bravery, and love.
**RTDU**
Entry 11: 19th September, 1999
Oh my.
Well, I believe it is safe to say that this was a birthday to remember. I had hoped that it would be average at best, since Harry was the planner, but that hope was dashed before I could even Harden my heart properly. Perhaps I should have written in this journal immediately, but I felt the need to write the event out like a story in my new book first. Either way the result is the same. I ended up crying in Harry's arms without reserve or care. It was everything emotional expression should be and everything I should have denied myself in that moment. I can't allow myself to feel the way I did tonight, and yet, I do.
As far as the justice of marriage is concerned, I have plenty to monitor myself for. I would never cheat on Ronald, but I don't know where the line is drawn for emotional expression. It feels wrong to tell Harry how I feel about the whole thing while I am married to Ronald, but I wish I could have some level of certainty before continuing. The last thing I need is to break up with Ronald and then be alone for the rest of my life because Harry ends up being happy with Ginny. But then again, now that I wrote that, I see the lie. The truth is that it would be better to live single than to live a marital lie. I do not like lying, especially not like this.
So the right thing to do would be to wait to talk with Harry until I am no longer with Ronald. But am I sure I really want to go forward with this? Is this the right path or just the emotional one?
I'm not going to make any decisions like this, I'm not in the right frame of mind to do it properly. I'll wait until I'm talking regularly with a therapist to make such drastic decisions. But I will not drag this out more than it needs to be. It is already wrong to Ronald and not fair to his life and feelings.
For now,
Friendship, bravery, and love.
**RTDU**
Entry 12: 20th September, 1999
I find it interesting that in the moments where I have the most to say and the most to consider, I write the least.
Lunch at work today was, awkward. Harry and I are beyond the point of needing space from one another when things are off, but that doesn't mean we always know what to say. I think he got the idea from our conversation yesterday that I don't feel very comfortable with things as they are. He asked me today if I wanted to talk about it to which I replied that I would love to, but can't right now.
Harry asked why that was and I had to tell him that I have a lot of feelings going on right now, and some of them I am not ready to express. I think it is better if we hold off on those topics for a time. His instant and automatic support for the retrieval of my parents and his creativity in bringing me to my aunt Tracy's family for my birthday show something in him that frightens me to behold. Harry understands me better than anyone else. As simple and concerning as that. But beyond that fact, he cares more too.
Ronald does love me in his own way, that I know, and I also know that I shouldn't compare emotions that I can not quantify, but it is different. Yes, everyone expresses love differently and we shouldn't be judged on that. But I can't be blamed for comparing how those two expression methods effect me.
Damn it, Harry found my family and brought them to me. I haven't seen my aunt, uncle, and their two kids for years, and Harry just pulled it together somehow for my birthday. Because he knew how much it would mean to me.
And he just knows he'll be there to help find my parents.
Who does that so readily without reserve except someone who loves you? I think one of the reasons I never strongly considered him and I a potential couple was because we already act so much like one. I mean really, after fourth year it should have been obvious to both of us, but we were both young and stupid. I took it for granted and only now am I realizing it. How thick am I? For someone who was supposedly the brightest witch of her age, I'm rather thick.
For now,
Friendship, bravery, and love.
**RTDU**
Entry 13: 21st September, 1999
Yeah, the brightest witch of my age and I don't even have my N.E.W.T.s as if. Visiting Neville at Hogwarts this past weekend only made it more obvious how much I miss schooling. I got caught up in trying to help make the Ministry a better place after the mess the death eaters left it; and I was lax about my own needs. When I did finally bring up going back for the final year, Ronald told me he didn't see why I would need it considering my job. Of course I got this job because I know Kingsly and because I was so closely involved with the war, not at all because of my test grades. O.W.L.s should not be enough to get this position. Granted, Umbridge made that rather mute.
Still, I want to finish school and now I've let myself be influenced by Ronald's opinion. I don't need to resent him for affecting a decision of mine, that's not his fault. At least it isn't his fault that I let him convince me not to go. So why do I feel like I am so upset with him about it?
Is it because he believes that as a woman I don't need those tests completed? Is it because he just doesn't like school and so doesn't think anyone else does either? Why?
No offense to Neville of course, but if he can return to finish his schooling, then why couldn't I?
Harry even said while we were there that he should probably go back as well. Ronald and Ginny scoffed, so I kept my mouth shut.
Like a good little housewife.
What am I turning in to?
I can't allow myself to falter like this, I have to remain true to myself at the very least. No matter what. I mean, that's the entire point of why I sign each entry as I do at the end. I need to keep certain things in mind, so I write them each time, even if I don't complete a thought.
Because those have to be my founding ideas. No exception.
I can not start becoming something or someone I am not. I refuse.
For now,
Friendship, bravery, and love.
**RTDU**
Entry 14: 23rd September, 1999
I didn't write yesterday because I wanted to internally process my first therapy session before putting it down in words. Unfortunately that means I broke my pattern again, but I think that the first day is a reasonable exclusion from expectations.
I quite like Sasha and look forward to continuing to work with her. She's middle-aged and has a perky attitude that I like in this circumstance. It may prove to be a nice balance to my analytical tendencies. We shall see of course but I am at the least interested to see how it goes.
We discussed only the basics of course, filling out paperwork, discussing regularity, all such. I was rather abrupt about how things have been going and gave her a very brief version of the saga with Ronald and Harry. She did advise not making any rash decisions on the matter since she wants to better analyze our relationships and feelings. She did say though that such conflicts are more common than one might think but that we can work through it together. Also, since my parents aren't here, she suggested trying to reconnect more with Tracy and her family. I think she's right and that it will be good for me. I intend to do so regardless, but I need a support system of those who are not directly connected to the situation at hand.
Sasha she keeps quiet music in her office and it is calming I have to admit. I'd thought it would distract me, but I find I appreciate it. Other than the wireless, magicals rarely listen to music so it was hardly present at Hogwarts. It showed me how much I miss it in my life. Perhaps once this is settled I'll start learning an instrument.
We are going to meet weekly and she was excited to learn that I am keeping this journal. She often recommends that people keep journals as it helps sort out feelings and identify those that we otherwise might not recognize ourselves. I'm glad I am doing something right at least.
Arthur joined Harry and I for lunch today. He got a tear in his eye when I told him what Harry had planned but he looked a bit confused. Honestly its probably my fault for showing how much it meant to me. I don't want to falsify my feelings to Mr. Weasley though. I never did describe what Ronald got me for my birthday now did I?
He got me a figurine that looks exactly like Crookshanks for my desk at work. It walks around my desk and has rather realistic feline tendencies.
I'll be honest though, considering who held this job before me, it makes me feel like Umbridge. All in all it was a sweet gift and I am happy for it, but I really didn't want to be the next cat lady at work. At least my office isn't pink. I shouldn't say he got the figure, he enchanted it. He did admit to help from the twins since they've been training him to help them create some of their products. Seeing the result of some of his actual work is really nice.
There, a positive statement.
I am glad that Ronald is putting in effort to something other than sports.
Am I impossible to please? I mean, every positive thing I can think of about it or him in general is countered by at least the same number of negative. What is wrong with me? Am I just horrible or am I actually finally seeing him as he is? I don't like this.
For now,
Friendship, bravery, and love.