Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

Author's note:

I will offer an explanation absent apology for the delay. My life has been rather, occupied with cognitive and emotional matters that have required I remain very much focused on my own thoughts and reactions. Writing Hermione is, more of a, shift, for myself to make and requires that I not be distracted. As it might be noticed, I have made progress in my other stories except for this one. Medical and personal matters should be more settled for the present, so I hope to continue this as a regularity. In this particular case, the gap is functional for her situation. Happy reading.

Also, if you are one of the readers telling me not to make this a Hermione and Harry pairing in the end, then I'm not sure what you have been reading, but it clearly isn't this story. Read the emotions, not the words and perhaps then it will make sense. I think this chapter delves in to such things accurately enough.

**RTDU**

Entry 20: 27th October, 1999

Our entire relationship as it has been over the last decade, played out like a symphony these past four weeks. While I would love to say it was an incredibly beautiful manifestation of our love and cooperation, it was instead a glaring reminder of why I am writing this journal in the first place. I am determined to try, to make this work for as long as we can.

But that does not mean my heart isn't broken.

Allowances for negligence and cruelty, allowances for spiteful jealousy and menial regret have done this to me. I have done this to myself and allowed the perpetuation of feelings that while adorable and youthfully significant are ultimately ripping at the worth I have developed for myself over the years. I deserve reciprocity and communication. I deserve love and understanding. Those Ronald gives on a similar basis as he does academia; and with as much fervor. The only love we share that bears more energy than casual appreciation is that which takes place in the bedroom; something i am altogether grateful for and disgusted by. Why do I allow this for myself?

Objectivity, start over.

My feelings are discordant, muddled and so much so that Sasha has strongly advised that I sit down tonight and write. Which is why i allowed myself to give in to the carnal urges and join Ronald in passions before he drifted off in to a sleep that will remain sound for long enough to allow me to finish this. We are intimate because it distracts, because it satisfies, even if only on the surface. It is a reprieve, a gap, a cessation of hostilities and uncertainty in the midst of something I had always been led to believe was solid and sacred. Marriage seems to be anything but. Though it of course could be due to our youth and the frail logic that brought us together in the first place.

We are intimate because Ronald has again made himself believe that a frail apology is sufficient, even though I have told him otherwise. Though it would seem I haven't really shown that since I've been participating equally in that. Such is fallacy. Our flaws, it appears, are as difficult to remove as our prior understandings and false conceptions.

After the admittedly awkward and equally necessary conversation with Harry about Ronald's partial reasons for marrying me, I did ultimately speak with my new husband. There are always a myriad of ways to bring about such a painful discussion, and ultimately we can only utilize one. I struggled for days over just how to address it. Was I to confront him directly with quoted words? Was I to trick him in to saying something similar so i could pretend I hadn't had any foreknowledge? Perhaps I was to lead him in to it, or imply that Harry had said something about it but not exactly what. There are of course many more possibilities, all of them I itemized with lists of potential outcomes that ultimately proved useless and unnecessary. Regardless, they are a comfort to me, a necessity in my own mind, a process, an organization. Whether or not life occurs as I plan it to, it helps to know that I have contingencies, ideas to fall back on.

So i planned and prepared and tried to find the least damaging way to address this. Whom the damage was ultimately done to in the aftermath, well that I still don't truly know. Regardless, it has been done.

I approached Ronald directly. I told him that I had spoken to Harry and that he had been concerned for us and told me about the interaction. Ronald was of course inflamed and ready to tear off and batter the poor thing to the ground. I informed him that while our marriage is certainly not Harry's business, our friendship is. We argued of course. It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid it, sometimes it happens. I know that for myself I get upset and flustered when people can't put a simple string of logic through their brain, but I've been trying to work on that. I tried to approach this calmly, but when one person always wants to fight, its hard to avoid such. It is not all Ronald's fault though, he and i have the propensity for eruptions such as this; something that has neither dulled nor been improved upon over the years we've known each other.

So we argued. We yelled and screamed like normal people do.

I won't even deign to write the pathetic apology that Ronald cobbled together the next day. Frankly it replicates perfectly the true understanding he has of how he made me feel. Nothing. He understands nothing of how he made me feel.

So as normal, as we have practiced these last years, we went on as if nothing had happened. Outwardly.

I don't deserve that, but frankly i can't live in an angry house while I'm trying to figure out what to do about this. Oh I could let it go, I could forgive him, I could pretend that the things we yelled at one another were only half truths. But that would be lying. Should my life become a practice in forgiveness and false hope for eventual understanding? Forgiveness in itself is not false, but forgiveness for a repeated action? Forgiveness for someone's love for you being based upon what they will get from it as a result? No. The part of me that had accepted that a couple of months ago has been properly rehabilitated; I am not a child anymore. I am not a woman who is going to let her husband sit by and while doing his own business, presume that she will take care of all the hardships life may bring. I am not someone who can tolerate being left as the emotional center for something that has as few supporting pillars as the remains of a forgotten ruin. I, don't deserve that.

And for once, I'm not going to sit idly by while I consider how to get out of it.

I need to work on my argument style, or my communication style. I shouldn't lose it when someone ignores something intelligent right before their eyes. I shouldn't explode. Those things I can admit. But I also shouldn't be treated like rubbish. As I fix the external matters, I will fix the internal. That is what Sasha is for.

And school.

That has been my saving grace. Harry and I started two weeks ago after ironing out some of the finer details. So we meet after work in our kitchens and complete our studies. We trade off which house we will use since Ginny has been staying with him, and Ronald is suspicious. This way we are working in front of the significant others to provide as much of a clear point that this is not a secret romance or anything stupid like that. Weasley jealousy. As much as I do have feelings for Harry, this is a separate matter. We are mutually addressing our educations and to be honest, we are both enjoying it. We still have our lunch conversations at work to focus on personal matters, but we also have the time to work on our essays. It helps to have someone to compare work to and discuss the finer points of details and assignments. He's never been the quick study type, but Harry's trying.

You can always tell when someone is making an effort, it shows glaringly obvious. I noticed that Ronald was trying with W.W.W. and quidditch practice. As such I can clearly tell that Harry is studying on his own time to be ready for our homework sessions. Then on Saturdays we go to the castle for the practicals. I miss it there, even with all the horrid memories.

There is something about the meeting of the minds however that I have to manage. It is nothing so awkward as knowledge being attractive as many over the years have thought me to feel. There is a growth, a development of further understanding that can only happen through academic debate. Through the process of mutual learning, it is hard not to grow closer to someone, whether in friendship or otherwise. It isn't helping my other problem. I can say sincerely that as a result Harry and I have never been so similarly on the same page in as many ways as we are. We can debate topics without upset, we can educate one another in our own way without feeling superior or inferior respectively. We can grow together equally considering our differences and still come out the other end better for it.

As such, his grades are higher than ever and my practicals are similarly improved. He is smart, I never questioned it. But application is as important for the education system as comprehension.

As a result I am monitoring my feelings closely as well as my actions to be sure that I am not acting out of turn. Regardless of any of our situations, it would not be right to act overly close toward him without reciprocity, and in circumstance, equal footing in the relationship department. Right and wrong must be observed.

As for not sitting idly by, the first step is to convince Ronald to join me in marriage counseling. I don't know how he will feel about it yet, but I still have to try. As much as part of me wants out, I know I have to give this my best shot. We have to try. For the sake of our friendship if nothing else.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.