Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**RTDU**

Entry 21: 12th February, 2000

I made a mistake.

There is a desperation in guilt, it's like a fever of the mind that tells you that no matter what you have done, no matter how hard you've tried, you, yes you, are the one in the wrong. It demands of us that we seek absolution, that we cleanse our hurt in the words of understanding that others may provide us. When an objective therapist is not enough, we reach out and crave a feeling, an emotion, an opinion, a judgement. It doesn't matter at first why, it doesn't even matter the form it shall take. We simply need it, like spilled oil begs of flame, to wash it away with the only potential that may rid the world of it in its entirety. I made a mistake. The mistake wasn't in thinking I was above this unfortunate need; the error was in succumbing to it.

It was the internet you see. This tool that is so beautifully terrible. It lets us share and grow, it lets us help and console; but it also allows us to seek and misguide ourselves in to searching for something we truly should not. And worst of all, it allows those with narrow minds and cruel words to spread their anger like a plague. But we listen, because we hope to help them, we hope to cure them of this anger and in so doing have them cure us of guilt. It sounded perfectly lovely to me at first, until I actually went through with it and realized how thick I was being.

Sasha's advice has been excellent, something I have come to rely upon her for and lately trust far more than I once did. As it were, not long after my last entry, I went through a depression of guilt, so to speak. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, but I felt wrong. Part of me felt the need to be understood, to have someone console me with unveiled words of understanding. I needed a friend whom I could share these things with. I realized in the end that what I really needed was my mother.

My solution at the time was to seek advice on the internet; after all, why not, with all the knowledge it holds there must be something worthwhile. Oh I found other women, and men, in similar situations to my own. People shared their stories of cheaters and lost love, abandoned attempts to repair something they could have and successes when people managed to make things work. I did learn something that Sasha has been trying to tell me the whole time; decisions don't have to be made immediately. We are flawed as humans, we screw up and we are massively imperfect. I knew this about myself but I felt horrible for it. I found people who had been in relationships for years, decades in some situations, and they hadn't been happy the entire time, but had stayed together because people said it was the right thing to do. Some people supported each other, and others criticize without holding back.

But I wasn't alone. For the first time I knew for a cold hard fact that my story wasn't by any means the strangest, and by no means was i alone in feeling so disjointed in all this. But my mistake was in reaching out to someone who I knew wasn't worth the time. I sought absolution in healing another's obvious pain.

There is no need to go in to detail here, since reliving the conversation is a little raw still. But suffice to say I noticed that someone would comment on stories with a word, maybe two. Every time it was disparaging, harsh, mean even. It is one thing to explain yourself, to share your opinion, however narrow, and explain why you feel the way you do. It is another entirely to spit out cruelty needlessly at people who honestly don't deserve it. I shared with them my story in the hopes of reaching the part of them that could hold a conversation. As it happens, they were happy to talk, and tell me how wrong I was. I shouldn't love two people at once, I shouldn't spend time with Harry because it was cheating on Ronald, i shouldn't be confused and i should just make up my damn mind because indecision was stupid in this case, and I was wrong. We went back and forth, at first I thought I would eventually reach common ground with them in some way, but it seems that I was wrong in that regard if nothing else. It became mean, as if it wasn't already, and hurtful, and personal. Even as I realized that this person was hurt and angry, that they were not in a position to be able to comprehend my situation because all they could do was provide cruel judgement, I felt guilty. I felt disgusting. It didn't matter how obviously close-minded they were, it still hurt to read their words, it still hurt to know I couldn't help them. And so I ended the conversation and closed myself off for the next three months. The things we do for guilt.

I demanded of myself that I stop feeling anything for Harry, that I limit our time together to just work. That person said that spending any time with him whatsoever was cheating but I could at least reason for myself that they were misguided in this. I am allowed to have friends and co-workers, so I am allowed to have a fellow classmate. I know Harry was confused and upset, I could see it in his eyes when we met for class work. I was avoiding him without explaining anything. I don't know if he thought that Ronald was making me step away from him, but either way he didn't say anything. I tried and tried with our couples' therapy, as much as I was surprised that Ronald would go for it. I think it helped, in some ways at least. We're starting to communicate better if nothing else. Though, it isn't going to fix the real issue. I don't love Ronald romantically anymore, it just isn't inside me.

Then I had another meeting with Sasha where I just let go. I told her what I'd done and how the conversation had gone with that distant person. I think that for the first time, I allowed myself to see the compassion in her eyes, the understanding. It has always been there, but I was focusing so strongly on her words, on taking notes, on reading the books she suggested, that I missed the human connection. She's my therapist and has her lines, but she's still a person and if nothing else she can feel sympathy. She didn't tell me what to do with those feelings. She simply said to consider how the person's words made me feel, how it changed my life, and if it was for the better or the worse. Well that was rather obvious, I've been a guilty wreck since. I went home that night and I think I honestly reconsidered it all properly. It's okay to be confused, situations like these are simply confusing and difficult. It is okay to feel guilt, guilt is natural for us to feel when we think we've done something wrong. It's alright to screw up with a marriage because frankly, most people do. It comes with the inherent flaws within humanity. That person's opinion was valid, but that doesn't mean it was right for my situation, for me.

I think that yesterday's lunch was the first time I smiled at Harry in months. The poor thing nearly cried when I sat down at his table. Granted, I did start crying, so he might have and I just missed it. Yeah, I can be stupid sometimes, I'm aware. We'd been having lunch together every day, and all at once I just started avoiding him. We'd laughed and talked like we always had, and all of a sudden I'd begun ignoring him. Basically I let that person's judgement, that person's anger, make me an unhappy person. Well, that's over now because I don't think I can let myself hate how i feel anymore, i just have to actually do something about it. Uncertainty is normal, that's what happens when we are in difficult situations. It's always easier for someone on the outside to judge, always. Because they aren't emotionally invested in the situation.

On the bright side, I now have internet access to literal databases of books that I can search for information. If they ever make it easier to read books than libraries and having them shipped to you, I'm going to have a problem.

At least I'm writing again. It feels, better, to put it down on paper. I can learn, I can heal, and I can grow even against my own will. Those green eyes though; seeing them light up with his smile was honestly the best reward for getting my head out of my arse that I could have hoped for.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.