THIRTEEN

oooooooooo

"Whoo, doggie! It sure is good to see other people again!"

Adam Cartwright looked at his middle brother with barely masked – and entirely pretended – disgust. "And what, exactly, is wrong with the 'people' you have seen for the last two months, which would be your father and brothers?"

Hoss' head was turning from side to side, taking in the sights of Virginia City. He had to admit – if just to himself – that he understood his middle brother's enthusiasm. Being snowed in and cooped up with your family for over two months had its advantages – and disadvantages.

At least he and Joe had managed not to get into any fights.

No real ones, that was. They had come close to giving Pa a heart attack with a few of their antics, though, like the time Joe got so bored he was decided he was going to walk to town and he put on his hat and coat and declared he was going with him. Of course, they didn't go any farther than the second slope before the house. It was just after Christmas and it seemed the world slept under a blanket of pristine white. They didn't even see any animal tracks. Everything was quiet and clean and pure.

They'd remained on their horses, not wanting to disturb the masterpiece nature had painted. Adam remembered he'd just begun to shiver when Joe spoke.

"I never told you..." Hi brother cleared his throat. Joe was looking ahead, not at him. "...I never told anyone what Hadley did to me."

"Not even Pa?" he asked.

Joe shot him a look that said, 'Especially not Pa.'

When the silence continued, he'd asked him, "Do you want to talk about it now?" Although, if the truth was known his bones were getting older and he was getting cold.

His little brother sucked in a breath and let it out in a white puff of mist that rode away on the gentle breeze. "I've made...peace with it."

"Have you forgiven the girl?" he prompted softly.

Joe nodded. "Forgiven." His brother flashed him an uncertain smile. "Forgetting takes a little longer."

He'd sensed at that moment that his brother was ready to talk. It was kind of hard to do it on the backs of two restless horses. Adam remembered scanning around and finding a small alcove cut into a rock wall with a windbreak of trees in front of it.

"I don't know about you, Joe," he offered. "But this old man would like to get out of the cold." With his head, he indicated the depression on the wall. "Let's go over there and settle in for a bit. I've got a pot and coffee in my saddlebag."

Joe was staring straight ahead. He started at his words. "Yeah, okay, Adam." Then his brother favored him with a smile. "These 'young' bones are kind of cold too."

They'd made a hasty camp. While Joe went into the trees to take care of business, he'd settled himself in and had a hot pot of coffee waiting for his brother when he returned. He had some jerky in his saddlebag too and he'd tossed it in some hot water to soften it.

"I didn't expect a feast!" Joe quipped as he sat down.

"That's a good thing," he laughed. "Because this is far from it."

After that, they sat in companionable silence for some time. Just when he'd decided his brother wasn't going to talk after all, Joe did.

"Adam, why would one person want to...hurt another one?" His brother's eyes – an intense green against the white – fastened on his own. "I mean, not...kill them, but just..."

His brows lifted toward his hairline. "That's a very deep – and very old question, Joe. I'm not sure I have the answer you're looking for."

Joe had a piece of leather he was playing with. He turned it over and over in his hands. "I remember that one kid at school, Eddie Davis."

He remembered him as well. For one year the eldest Davis boy had made his young brother's life Hell.

"The school bully?"

His brother nodded. "He did a lot of things to me that...I never told anyone."

"More than beating you up?" he asked, the older brother in him rising in ire. It became a norm for Little Joe, at about age eleven, to come home from school nearly everyday with a bloody nose or black eye and, once, a broken arm. Pa had finally put a stop to it and Eddie had been sent away to live with his uncle in another city. In time, he became a fine young man. He had noticed, though, whenever Eddie or Ed as he was called now, came to town, he and Joe had nothing to do with each other. "What kind of 'things'?"

Joe winced. Tears kissed those eyes. "He told me I was...pretty as a girl and needed to be treated like one."

"He didn't..."

His brother's eyes went wide. "No! No." Joe sighed. "Not that he didn't...try." His brother snorted. "He was kind of stupid, really, getting that close and...well...puttin' himself in that position."

"I take it you gave it to him where it counted?" he asked with a wry grin.

"He was singin' soprano the next day in church."

Adam reached out and placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Joe, that had nothing to do with you. That had to do with Eddie."

"I don't think he even, well, you know...was like that." Joe ran a hand through his hair and then cupped his neck with it. "I think he just...wanted to hurt me. To make me feel...less than a man."

He was silent a moment before he'd asked. "Is that what Hadley did?"

Joe looked at his hands. "Don't tell Pa, okay?"

He nodded. "Sure."

"I'm not a...virgin."

Adam bit back his amusement. "Joe, I'm sure Pa knows – or guesses. There are very few men at twenty-five who are."

His brother's eyes held the question, but he didn't ask it. Instead he said, "I don't... I don't know if I can ever be with a...woman again."

Whatever he had expected, it wasn't that.

Good Lord! What had that fragile young woman done?

Swallowing over his surprise, he'd found the voice to ask, "Can you tell me why?"

"She...Hadley... I was tied to a chair. I couldn't do anything to stop her. She..." Joe shot to his feet and began to pace as best he could through the snow. "She made me feel like I was goin' to the moon and then..." Joe sucked in air like a man who had just taken a bullet to his back. "God, Adam, the pain..."

He was more worldly than his brother. He'd seen things done to men, especially in the Orient, that he'd prayed neither his brothers or his father would ever have to see or experience.

"So, what you are telling me," he advanced slowly, "is that...thinking about being with a woman brings you...pain."

Joe snorted. "It's worse than that," he admitted without turning around. "It makes me...panic."

Adam thought a moment before urging, "Joe, please sit back down."

With a sigh, his brother did as he asked. "Now what?"

Another moment's thought brought an image before his eyes. "Do you remember the first pony you had?"

His brother scowled. "What's Cadfan got to do with anything?"

"Not Cadfan. Comarade."

He shook his head.

"I'm not surprised. You were only four. Marie and Pa got into a holy row about it because he insisted you were old enough to learn to ride and Marie was scared to death for you to climb up on the back of a horse." Adam paused. "Of course, she didn't know about your little...unsupervised...trips into the barn."

That made him laugh. "Pa never told her, huh?"

"No." He'd caught his baby brother numerous times in the barn climbing up onto the bare back of a horse big enough to carry Hoss. Joe had a natural affinity for horses. Still, Marie had a right to be concerned. Horses were dangerous.

As they came to find out.

"Pa started you out slowly, but, you know what, Joe?"

His brother shook his head.

"The word 'slow' has never been in your vocabulary," he laughed. "You had – I think – two or three lessons before you decided you were an able horseman and could handle anything, including a bigger horse."

Adam could still see it. Little Joe – and he was little then – atop a 15 hand horse, clinging to its mane with his tiny fingers while the pair flew out of the yard. The inevitable happened about three hundred feet out from the house. Joe lost control and the horse threw him.

Threw him hard.

Joe was shaking his head. "I still don't remember."

"Maybe because you hit your head so hard." Adam paused and a smile lit his face. "That day, it was a good thing you'd inherited a little of that 'Yankee granite head' from Pa. You nearly split your skull."

His brother was frowning. "Ma was crying..."

"That's all Marie did. Cry. For days, until you were able to sit up and take something to eat."

"I kind of remember something," Joe said. "But what's this got to do with what we were...talking about?"

"You know how it goes, Joe. A man gets thrown from a horse and you get him right back up. Only you wouldn't get back up. In fact, every time we got you near the barn, you started to shriek."

His brother's brows did the dancing this time. "I was afraid of horses?"

"Terrified. Even the sound of them neighing would set you off. Marie was beside herself. She wanted pa to sell everything and move back to New Orleans."

"To which Pa replied, there's horses in New Orleans too, I bet," Joe laughed.

"Just about."

"So what did Pa...what did you do?"

Adam leaned against the tree at his back. It was an irony, since Marie died so shortly afterward in a fall from a skittish horse. "That's when Pa got you Cadfan. He was a good steady Welsh pony with a mild temperament." The older man paused. "Kind of like a big happy puppy with hooves."

His brother nodded. "I still miss him. 'Course, I'd have a hard time riding him now. My feet would be on the ground."

"And Cochise would be jealous" Adam smiled at the memory and then went on. "Pa didn't make you ride him. He didn't even suggest it. He just kept the pony in the corral and told you he was yours and then everyday at supper he told you how lonely Cadfan was because he loved you and missed you. Finally, you worked up the courage to go out and curry him. You wouldn't get on his back, but slowly, the two of your became friends and you forgot all about the pain the other horse had caused you."

Joe's head was down. "So, you're sayin', if I meet a new girl – one I...like – that in time..."

"Joe, I won't be glib and tell you that time heals everything. It doesn't. But it does...help. In time what Hadley did to you will fade. You'll have the memory of..." Adam drew in a breath, this was getting personal even between brothers. "...you'll have the memory of other hands where hers were. Loving hands that you've given permission to be there." He leaned forward and touched his brother's arm. When Joe looked at him, he added, "If you remain in the darkness, Joe, eventually it will become what you are."

Adam came back to the present with a start. He turned from Hoss, who was scowling at him, to look at his youngest brother. Joe had eschewed riding today and was settled in the back of the wagon amidst the empty bags and crates they would be filling at the mercantile.

Neither one of them had ever spoken of the conversation again.

As he watched, Joe climbed to his feet and stretched. He'd slept half the way in. "I agree with Hoss. I've had about as much as I can take of middle brother's snoring, Pa's complaining, Hop Sing's 'everything that's left in the larder' stew, and," Joe waited until he caught his eye, "older brother's poetry readings!"

"Forgive me, for making an attempt to enrich your rather...dubious...literary experience," he replied as Joe eased his way out of the wagon. His brother still had tender...parts. It had taken the infections a while to clear up, even with Hop Sing's loving and welcomed ministrations. As his youngest brother started to cross the street, he called out, "Hey, where do you think you're going? We have work to do!"

Joe halted. "Pa said he'd meet us at Beth's pie shop. I was gonna go get him."

Their father had come in earlier to make arrangements regarding his luggage so he could have the time on the road alone with his brothers. Adam cast his gaze toward the stage depot. There was a stage just pulled in that was unloading. He was set to leave on the next one, which was due in about five hours. They were going to finish their work and then have supper at the International before he let.

No, not left. Before he went off to his adventures with every intention of returning home.

One day.

"Pa said we was to load the supplies first," Hoss chimed in. "Now, Joseph, you get that tiny little hiney of yours back over here and start unloadin' this here wagon.

"No can do older brother – brothers," Joe replied with a slow shake of his head. "Pa said I'm not to do any heavy work until Doc Martin sees me and gives me a clean bill of health."

"Now ain't that just like him," the big man growled. "Any other time he'd be pullin' every trick he could to keep out of Paul's office."

"He's not there yet," Adam said as he hoped down from the driver's seat. Joe had started across the street. He called him back.

They met on the boardwalk on the other side.

"What is it, older brother?"

"Joe, are you sure..." He cleared his throat. "Are you sure you want to go to the pie shop?"

His little brother seemed to have matured in the last month, since their...talk.

Joe placed a hand on his shoulder. "A man's gotta get back up on the horse sometime."

"But, the pie shop? Are you sure?"

His brother sobered. Joe nodded.

"Adam, it's something I need... No, I 'have' to do to go on."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

He'd expected some sharp reply about being old enough to take care of himself, but instead, Joe said, "Thank you, Adam. But no. This is something I have to do alone."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Joe halted outside of Beth Riley's pie shop and drew in a deep breath. This would be the first time he had seen Beth since Dan Tollivar's death. It was well-known in town that Beth had been sweet on Dan, if not in love with him. When Dan took that money, even though he took it for his son, he'd offered a part of it to Beth to make her life easier. She told his pa about it after Pa broke the news to her. Pa and Adam had made a trip to town as soon as they got back – before the heavy snows flew – to let Roy know what had happened and to speak to Beth. Pa said she deserved to know.

Joe's thoughts were interrupted as the bell on the door jingled and it opened out, almost hitting him. For a moment his father stood there looking at him. Then he cleared his throat and said, "I thought you would be at the mercantile with your brothers."

"I will be, but there's something I...need to do here first," he replied.

He got that 'look'. "Are you sure, son?"

"Boy, you and Adam," he joked. "You're both makin' a big thing of a man wanting a piece of pie."

His father glanced over his shoulder at the movement in the busy shop. "Maybe it's because of a certain young lady Beth has hired to help her out."

Joe's gaze went to the interior as well. "Maybe it is," he said quietly.

For a moment it seemed his pa would say something more. Instead, he patted his shoulder, nodded, and walked away.

Leaving him alone to face his demons.

Or, one particular demon named Hadley.

When Adam and Pa had come to town to talk to Beth, she'd come with them so she could give a statement to Roy regarding Dan's son. She wanted to be completely honest and Pa said she was. He said as well that it was about all he could do to talk Roy out of putting her in jail. The fact that he had refused to press charges went a long way toward keeping her out.

He couldn't press charges. Hadley was just as much a victim as him.

Maybe more.

Steeling himself, Joe pushed the door to the shop open and walked in wearing a smile. A couple of neighborly folks waved at him and one asked him how he was doing as they'd heard he'd been sick. He stopped at their table to assure them he was fine and when he turned, it was to find Beth Riley standing behind him, her eyes brimming with tears.

She looked at him for a moment and then drew him into a tug and whispered in his ear. "Little Joe, I am so sorry. What Dan did..."

This was the first time he'd seen her. Joe held the hug for a moment and then gently pushed her away. "I'm fine, Beth." He paused. "And I'm sorry about Dan. I really am."

She sniffed and dabbed her eyes with her apron. "I know you are. You're a good boy." Beth paused and then laughed. "A good young man," she corrected with a motherly smile. "Marie would have been so proud."

"Thank you, Ma'am," he replied softly even as his eyes roamed the shop. "Is Hadley here?"

Beth's look told him she knew something of what had passed between the two of them. "I...saw you coming. I sent her out back to the storehouse. I thought..."

"That was kind of you," he said, and it was. "But I came here to talk to her." Joe hesitated. "Is that all right?"

Her expression changed to one of concern. "If you're sure."

"I am, Ma'am. I...need to talk to Hadley."

The older woman brushed his cheek with her hand and then nodded toward the rear door. "She's out back." As he started to move, she called him back. "Oh, and Joe?"

"Yes?"

"She doesn't use Hadley anymore. It's Hudie."

He was still mulling that over as he rounded the back corner of the pie chop and the storehouse came into view. For a moment he thought she must have gone somewhere else. Then, he realized the young woman standing next to the small building, reaching over the fence to pet the nose of a tall brown horse that was tethered on the other side, was Hadley.

Or rather, Hudie.

She turned just as he came to a halt. A startled, almost frightened look came over her face and he thought for a moment she might bolt like a frightened rabbit.

"Hey," he said, not knowing what else to say.

She brushed a lock of raven-black hair away from her face and answered the same way, "Hey."

He wouldn't have known her. In the two and a half months since they'd been snowed in, the woman he had first known as 'Jezebel' had put on weight – in a good way. All her curves were filled out. She had on a lovely white dress with a pattern of blue flowers worked in stripes, and it set off both her pale skin and wide dark eyes. The ends of her white apron were tucked behind the waistband on each side, forming an apron.

"You come out to get some eggs for the pies?" he asked.

"For the crust," she said, not looking at him. Then she began to move past. "I need to get back inside."

Joe reached out. He didn't know what he expected when he touched her arm, but it wasn't what he got. It was just an arm and Hadley – Hudie – was just a girl.

"Let me go," she said quietly.

"No."

Her great dark eyes, so like his father's, darted to his face. "How can you stand to look at me after..." The breath of air that escaped her sounded suspiciously like a sob. "...after what I did."

There was a bench near that fence too. "Can we sit down for a minute?" he asked.

"I should get back inside..."

He leaned in. "Beth won't mind. I'm one of her favorites."

After a moment, she nodded. Removing her apron, she hung it on the fencepost and then came to where he was already seated. For a moment they sat there in silence. She spoke first.

"What do you want from me?" Hudie asked.

What did he want? Joe wasn't sure. "I guess... I guess I wanted to see if you were all right for one thing."

"Mrs. Riley...Beth, she's been kinder to me than anyone I have ever known," the girl said. Then she added, "Unless it's you and your family."

She'd stayed with them a couple of weeks so she could heal, before Pa and Adam brought her to town. Pa had been his usual gracious self. His pa was one of the most forgiving men he knew.

If not the most forgiving.

"That's Beth," he said. "She's a sweetheart."

"She's told me I can stay with her...permanently, if I want."

"And do you...want?" he asked.

Hudie turned from him, so he was looking at her profile. "I don't know," she replied with a little quiver of her shoulders. "It's your town. I don't want to make you..."

"Hudie," he said. "Look at me."

She closed her eyes and shook her head. A tear trailed down her cheek.

"You told me you prayed, so you know about the Bible, right?"

The girl nodded.

"As you forgive, so are you forgiven," Joe paraphrased. "I've forgiven you, Hudie. Well, I forgave Hadley. Seems to me I have a whole new girl sitting here in front of me." The young man sucked in a breath. "One I think I'd like to know better."

She looked at him then – like he was an idiot. "How can you say that?!"

"A part of forgiving is...forgetting," he began. "God can do it all the way. We can't. I can't...completely forget. But if I come to know Hudie, maybe I can..."

"Joseph."

It was his pa's voice and it startled him. Joe rose to his feet and turned toward the sound. Pa was there – with two other people. The woman was around his father's age. There was a young man at her side who might have been about the same age as his middle brother.

Behind him, he heard Hudie gasp.

The woman was of mixed blood. It looked like she was part white, part Chinese, and maybe a little something else. The young man looked white, but he had an exotic pitch to his eyes and his hair was black as midnight. Both were dressed as Westerners.

"Ai nyu," the woman breathed as she reached out with her arms.

Joe looked from the one to the other. He knew that first one. It meant 'beloved'.

He thought the second one was 'daughter'.

Joe's gaze went to his pa. There were tears in his eyes too. Pa say him looking and nodded. Then he said, "The Jones came in on the stage, Joseph. I took the liberty of hiring a detective to see if he could find them. The minute they heard..." Pa's eyes when to Hudie, who was hiding behind him. "Well, they were on the first stage."

"Hadley...Hudie," the young man said as he moved in front of the woman. "Pa's dead. He can't hurt you anymore. We...mother and I...would like you to come home with us."

Joe felt her head shake against his back .

He turned and took her face between his hands. "Look. Hudie. I've forgiven you. God has forgiven you." Joe's hand caressed her hair. "It's time you forgave yourself."

The older woman had advanced another step. "Nyu?" she asked, her voice a whisper of hope. "Daughter?"

Slowly, Hudie came out from behind him. She glanced at him. Joe gave her a smile and a little nudge forward. "I'd say your forest is looking mighty bright right now," he said softly.

Hudie stared at him, lifted up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the lips, and then ran into her mother's arms.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later that night, Joe was seated in front of the fire. Everyone else was in bed. It had been a good but hard parting with Adam. He'd come to realize how much he loved and missed his brother over the last few months. Adam promised that his wandering ways wouldn't keep him away too much longer – maybe another five years. Adam had a house in England and a life there and it would take him some time to dismantle it and finish up all his projects.

But he promised he would come home.

Hadley, as he would forever think of her, had left too. It had nearly broken Beth Riley's heart, but she understood why the girl wanted to return to her home and the life she had abandoned when she was just a child. He had such mixed feelings about it. He didn't hate her – that was gone – but there was still a fear of Hadley and what she had done – what she was capable of doing.

And yet he had been attracted to her.

As Adam said, while time might not heal everything, it did help.

"Joseph?"

He looked up to see his father standing on the stair in his robe. It was around 3 o'clock in the morning.

"Sorry, Pa. I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't. I woke myself," he chuckled. "I came down for a glass of milk and, truth to tell, for some of that chocolate cake from supper."

"You can have the piece I hid in the larder," Joe said with a wry grin. "Hoss ate all the rest of it."

His father finished his descent. He paused by the blue chair. "I miss your brother already," he said.

He hated to admit it, but he did too. Since he was older, having older brother around hadn't been such a bad thing.

"He promised he'll be back in a few years," Joe offered.

"If I'm still alive then," Pa said as he settled in his chair.

Joe stabbed the coals with the poker and then placed it by the fire before taking a seat on the edge of the table before it . "You're gonna live forever, Pa."

His father laughed, but sobered quickly. "Are you all right, Joseph? With...everything?"

He wondered what Adam had told their father. He was sure he'd told him something – he was Adam, after all."

Joe thought a moment before he answered. "I'm okay, Pa. Really."

"I had..." His father straightened up in the chair. "I had worried that what you experienced might...alter the way you viewed the world."

'And women', he thought.

"You know, Pa, you've taught us all since we were old enough to understand that in order to survive what happens, you have to look for God's hand in it. You have to believe there is a reason and a purpose to all of it, suffering included."

"And do you believe that, son?"

Joe thought about Hadley as he watched her board the stage with her mother and brother. There were more siblings at home waiting for her – waiting for the prodigal with open arms.

"I believe..." He swallowed. "I believe God can use bad things to make good things happen. Hadley – Hudie's with her own. It doesn't get much better than that."

"She was lost and now, she's found," Pa said. "You had a hand in that, Joseph. When you chose to forgive, you set her free."

Joe rose to his feet and walked to the window. It was black outside now, but in a few hours the light would dawn and the new day begin. Spring was just around the corner and when it came, he would see it with different eyes. Every time he saw a butterfly, winging high into the sky, he would think of Hudie.

And of how she wasn't broken anymore.