"Sorry about my group Jesse," Sarah's voice was soft and light as if she was afraid of his reply.
"No need in bein' sorry," He squinted in the dark at the box but had a hard time making out the writing by each of the switches. "Damn, I can't remember…"
"Here," Before Jesse could blink she was standing beside him, holding her phone up with a flashlight setting on, brightening the area. "Better?"
"Much, thank ya kindly," Jesse chuckled and flipped a few switches—some of the dining area outside, the kitchen where they were standing and a section of rooms in the hotel. "Ya'll staying or moving on after this?"
"Everyone else is leaving," She said somewhat sadly, "I don't know if I am going to stay yet or not. Lots of ghosts here, you know?" She looked up at the lights flickered slowly to life overhead.
"I know the feeling, seems like all the ghosts in the world are comin' to Santa Fe this year.." Jesse murmured, shutting off the lights to the rooms before closing the box.
"It can help," She told him as he started to walk away, she was looking down at her phone, turning off the flashlight with a few taps on the screen. "To talk about your ghosts if you like, sometimes it can help you sleep at night if you bitch and complain about them to someone else."
"Does it help you?" He asked, curious.
"Sometimes." She looked up and smiled, "But I won't bore you with my old story." She laughed, sounding less than enthused about the idea.
"What if I don't find it borin'?" Jesse challenged, cocking an eyebrow and going to lean against the old prep table where he had once sat and talked to Santana. "Maybe a fresh pair a' ears will help you fight 'em off and stay?"
"No man willingly wants to hear a woman bitch and moan about 'the one who got away.'" Her laugh sounded more like a scoff and Jesse pat the table beside him. "Getting too old for love stories anyway."
"Never." Jesse said firmly, when she raised a brow at him he continued, "I don't think you're ever too old to fall in love again or rekindle an old…flame…" He stopped slowly and crossed his arms, thinking hard about what he should say next when she spoke.
"Have you ever loved anyone, Jesse?" Jesse watched her, she was looking up at him. Her green eyes searching his slowly, "You know the kind of love you can't really find an explanation for?" She looked across the room and then picked at her fingernails, "You know, most people can have some…explination of why they love someone…but…you don't? Its just…the feeling of being around that person. The way they make you feel?" She looked up, eyes searching the tiled ceiling before resting on his face. "The kind of love that doesn't really grow? It's just…there?" She shrugged sluggishly, "One second its nonexistent…and the next…its there…fully formed?" She waited few moments before adding. "You don't know that its love until someone points it out…and when you realize it…you know its been that way all along?"
"I think so," Jesse nodded, lifting his flesh hand to stroke his beard slowly as she blinked at him in surprise. "There was this girl," He smiled, "I was a young fella. Dumb and invincible you know? Had never met this girl before in muh life…" He put his hands behind him on the table, faint sounds of an acoustic guitar being played. "I heard her laugh at a bad joke I made in passing, saw her…" He lifted one hand and put it over his heart. "Then she ran from me." He flicked his hand out and let it fall, making Sarah laugh. "I had to see her again, I couldn't let her get away."
Jesse smiled, nodding his head. "The more time I spent with her…the more I felt like…I'd known her all my life—and I wanted to know her for the rest of my life." He put his hand back over his heart. "It's a sorta feeling like it doesn't pay any mind to time. Minutes feel like hours and hours are an eternity." Sarah nodded enthusiastically as she listened. "And you know, your right—it doesn't really grow—you jus' get more aware of the feeling."
"What happened?" Sarah asked, leaning forward, so Jesse looked down at her with a soft but sad smile.
"We…uh…" He cleared his throat and looked away, "We ended up getting separated and I…didn't see her again for a long time."
"But you did see her again?" Sarah sounded so hopeful, and for a tempting minute, Jesse thought about telling her the whole truth. Twenty years had passed between them, but still, those eyes held him. His eyes flicked down to her lips, he remembered the stolen kiss—he wanted to claim it now. "Jesse?"
"I did." He admitted, and it seemed to give her hope. He watched her breath catch in her chest, the way she seemed to lift up on her tiptoes with excitement. "She didn't recognize me though," Jesse told her—hoping and wishing she could put together his useless clues. It seemed to steal the wind from her sails, she settled back down flatfooted, and her eyes took a sad shine. "It had been years, and I'd changed a lot." He held out his metal hand and then used it to scratch his beard. "Got old, gettin' grey. Ain't the stallion I used to be." He sighed heavily and a look of defeat settled on his face. "Guess I can't blame her."
"Your not old, and sure—you got a few gray hairs." She pointed out a few in his beard and Jesse narrowed his eyes at her, not liking her pointing them out. "But who doesn't at our age? She may not have recognized you, but I don't think she'd think you any less handsome." She smiled wyrly at him, and Jesse could see a hint of the teasing girl she had been in her youth. "You have a charm to you cowboy," She nodded as if agreeing with herself before asking, "So did you tell her it was you? Did you ever kiss her?"
"No, well…not in the way I wanted." Jesse admitted, crossing his arms again. "I had a chance to kiss her, but some dickhole interrupted us and ruined the moment. Kissed her on the cheek but…" He gave one hard laugh, "It wasn't enough for me. I wanted more."
"Oh hell," Sarah laughed at Jesse's sour face, remembering it yet again that day.
"Then…I had another chance…But I didn't take it. Had a lot going on at the time…Missed my chance, cause after that last chance…" He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, "I didn't see her again. Guess she was my one," He shook his head gently, realizing that even though he was referring to her—she had no idea it was the same events. Hell, there were probably lots of Rosa & Thief's out there in the world. A chance meeting, summer crush that never blossomed into anything but remembered fondly with 'what ifs.' "Never did forget her though, she'll always have a soft spot in my old heart."
"Is she still alive?" Sarah asked gently, her shoulder brushing Jesse's as she turned to look around the room as if she recognized it.
"Yeah, in town actually," Jesse said before he stopped himself, just how much was he going to tell her without actually confessing?
"You should tell her its you!" Sarah gasped, the wind seeming to return to her. She seemed to lift back up on her toes as her green eyes glittered, "I mean…you know if she's not married or has kids or anything." She smiled down at her hands on the table, which made Jesse look over at her with surprise, brows raising to his messy hair. "You never know, maybe she still has fond memories of you too. Maybe she'd like to reconnect?"
"What about you?" This made her blink and ask what he meant. "Would you want to reconnect with your lost one—what did you call him?" Jesse teased, a twinkle in his brown eyes. "Thief?" A soft, shy smile spread across her face when he said it. She seemed to think for a while, her eyes going distant as she looked out the door, slightly shifting her eyes left and right as if she were watching ghosts.
"If he were alive, I'd want him to tell me." She said finally. "But I'm afraid of what I'd hear you know?" She pushed off from the table and walked toward the door. "I'm not a spring chicken anymore, what if he has some younger wife and kids?" This caused a laughing grin to spread across Jesse's lips, but he stopped himself from laughing and snorting with a hand over his mouth, "What if he didn't remember me at all and I've already seen him? What if he grew up to be different than the sweet boy I remember him being?" She laced her fingers behind her back and sighed as she leaned on the door. "Fear like that makes me doubt that I want to see him at all. Let him stay that scruffy, cute boy I remember." Jesse left the table and went to stand behind her, leaning an arm above her head as he watched Santana taught the kids an old Spanish folk song and Clover played the notes as he instructed. "Does that sound dumb?" Jesse looked down at her to see her looking over her shoulder up at him.
"No," Jesse mused, pursing his lips and shaking his head. "I had some of the same fears. What if she didn't like how I turned out?" he looked to his metal hand flexed the fingers before he put it on his hip, "How I was gone so long, couldn't find her…what if she got hitched and had kids." He lifted a shoulder, "What if she outgrew my cowboy charm?"
"I don't think she could have," Sarah smiled sweetly up at him, "Your pretty charming now as an adult, I shudder to think what you were like as a teen." This made Jesse laugh aloud, stepping around her as Santana's song came to an end, and the group clapped happily. He could feel a sort of weight lift from his shoulders, everything seemed to brighten up a bit. "How would you tell her?" Sarah asked as she caught up, "Your girl I mean."
"I had a special word, just for her. Something that someone like her would only hear from me." Jesse watched her face, but there was still no recognition—just curiosity. "But I would want it to be good timin' you know, I have terrible timin'." He laughed as he started to help Ami clear dishes. She gave him a sideways look and narrowed her eyes.
"This might seem very nosy of me," Sarah smiled a genuine smile and it broke both Ami and Jesse's hearts. "But I want to know what happens when you tell her. If that's okay with you?" As Ami turned away, she glared hatefully at Jesse, and he gave a dismissive 'sure' as he moved to help Santana stand and walked him back to his room at the top of the stairs. He had a lot of 'I'm telling you mijo's' from Santana as he helped the elderly man shower, change into pj's and climb into bed. Jesse knew he was breaking the old man's heart, but he felt he had been telling the truth to Sarah. He did want to tell her, and he wanted it to be the right time.
She was still the kind, beautiful girl he knew as a young man—she was just older now. More experience in the world and much like himself—tired. She had barely changed at all in twenty years and still seemed head over heels for him, just like he was for her. Once Santana was in bed and dozing off a knock came to the door, Sarah was standing at the door, looking conflicted.
"I uh, decided I'm gonna go with the group," She smiled softly, seeming a bit sad as Jesse began to panic. He had hoped she would stay, and he could tell her tonight or tomorrow after he had some time to think about how he was going to do it. "Clover has a performance in town tomorrow night. So, I mean its not like we're…leaving the state or anything. We have some rooms reserved in town at a hotel, and we need all hands on deck to get things ready so it'll…be easier if I go with them.." She bit her lip, and Jesse stepped outside the door, pulling it closed. "I feel bad, not paying you or Santana anything because you've both been so nice to me Jesse." She was fidgeting with her hands again. "Please tell me if there's anything I can do?"
You can stay, Jesse thought to himself as he put his hands in his back pockets and shook his head. "Nah," he said out loud. "You made the old man happy, he doesn't have a lotta reason to be happy anymore, it's not like you were a bother or nothin' it was just a bed and some otherwise wasted, lonely time." He shrugged it off, "Where uh, where's the show at?"
"At the theater," She seemed to perk up a little at the question, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "Clover would like you to come see it if you want. She's doing a country set up." She laughed and dug a paper from her pocket and unfolded it before handing it to Jesse.
Clover was dressed up in a cowgirl style: plaid shirt cinched off at her waist in a knot, hip rider jeans with holes in them, the blue cowgirl hat on her head as she played the guitar by an empty field, leaning against a fence post. There was a title on the page that read: The One That Got Away.
"Considerin' our talk today, it might just be up your alley." Sarah laughed.
"She decided this?" Jesse asked, eyeing the paper, memorizing the place and time it started.
"Yeah, she uh…heard about the Thief and 'felt inspired.'" Sarah made air quotations around the last bit and rolled her eyes. "Said she wanted to 'tell the story.'" She laughed softly and let her hands drop. "So I went along with it, it makes her happy I suppose. No harm in it." She nodded gently, tapping her foot. "Are you interested? I'll tell Tosh and Poe to keep an eye out for you at the doors so you can get in," She winked at him as he folded the paper back up. "You get a backstage pass." She laughed but shook her head and pat Jesse's hand as he tried to hand the paper back to her. "Keep it, if you decide to come its got the details on it." She looked over her shoulder to where the minivan was waiting, lights on and running—they were waiting for her. "So…I…" She pushed her hair behind her ears and looked up at Jesse's face. He felt so conflicted, he wasn't sure what expression he was giving, but he hoped he didn't look too pathetic or angry. "I guess…this is goodbye Jesse." She held out a hand and gave him a warm smile that didn't seem to happy. Jesse reached out and took her hand with his flesh hand and gave it one firm shake, but as she tried to leave, Jesse didn't let go.
"Sarah," He tightened his hold on her hand, and she nodded, "I dunno…if I'll get to come to the show or not, but…" He put his metal hand over hers and lifted it between them, so she turned back to face him; however, he didn't look her in the face. Instead, he studied her hand. The way it had gotten thin, and her fingers had started to get a little gnarled around her knuckles from working with her hands. "I don't want it to be goodbye." He looked up and studied the shape of her face, "I'm…"
"Sarah let's go!" Tosh's voice yelled from the van, pulling Sarah's attention. Jesse tugged on her hand and took it back.
"I uh…I'm fond a ya darlin'…might seem a bit silly as a grown man n' all but I can't help myself." He planted a quick, soft kiss on her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I wa—need…I need to see you again, even if it ain't tomorrow." A shade of pink dusted Sarah's face, even in the dim light of the moon he could see it.
"Sarah we ain't waitin' much longer!" It sounded like Maple, another voice yelled.
"SHUT UP! CAN'T YOU SEE THE COWBOYS MAKIN A MOVE!" It sounded like Tosh.
"DON'T SLEEP WITH MY MAMA!" A third voice yelled playfully, but Jesse couldn't tell who it was—the only one he was sure it was not was Poe, it made the blush worsen as Sarah pulled her hand from Jesse's, and she leaned across the railing.
"Shut. The. Hell! UP!" She yelled hoarsely, remembering Santana inside the room behind Jesse. She watched as the minivan shook hard before coming to a stop and the voices faded away. "I am, so sorry about them." She laughed, "They have the worst timing and jokes." She pulled a phone from her pocket and handed it to Jesse. "Put your number in, I'll give it a ring, and you can have mine." Jesse took the phone and put in his number as his real name, then handed it back. Immediately she called the number, and Jesse's phone rang in Santana's room where he had put it on the desk so he could help him bathe. Jesse went into the room and picked it up, checking on Santana who was still sleeping soundly before going back out, half expecting Sarah to be gone. "There we go, all set…"
"I guess so.." Jesse tapped his phone and saved her number to his small contact list. "You be safe, ya hear?" Jesse felt uneasy letting her go. Something felt off, but he couldn't put his finger on what, it was like he had a dark shadow hanging over his shoulder, watching her. "If'n you need any help, you don't hesitate." He pointed to her phone as she put it in her pocket. "You call me, I'll be there soon as I can."
"Something I need to be aware of?" Sarah asked, picking up on his feeling.
"I dunno, just got a bad feeling…maybe just tired…did drink quite a bit today, maybe I'm just bein' selfish. Kinda don't want ya to go." He lifted his metal hand and scratched his head. "But I mean it, you need any help with anythin, gimme a ring." Sarah smiled and nodded.
"Okay Jesse, you take care of yourself okay? Get some sleep, maybe you'll feel better tomorrow." She took a step back away from him, "See you, cowboy."
Jesse watched her as she walked down the steps and climbed into the passenger side of the minivan. As they started to drive away, the window rolled down, and her hand came out to wave to him; he waved back until they were out of sight and lingered for a bit outside. He didn't feel like sleeping, but he figured he should before he got too tired to sleep. When he went back into the room, Santana was snoring softly. Jesse flopped onto the couch hard, realizing he had left his red serape back at the cabin and groaned, he didn't feel like traveling down the hall to get a blanket. Jesse put one hand behind his head and closed his eyes, trying to ease the anxious feeling creeping up and strangling him. Slowly he felt his body get lighter as sleep touched him and his dreams started.
It was dark, but a soft red light clicked on above his head, softly lighting the room around him. The room seemed familiar, but he knew something was odd about it, something was off. It was a locker room, Jesse could tell by the walls being lined with individual lockers—nameplates at the top of each. He was sitting in front of one that had the nameplate removed, it was open and bare. He stood from the metal bench and headed for a doorway and stopped, he remembered this. This wasn't a dream. This was a memory. Gunshots where sounding in the distance and Jesse reached for peacekeeper, noticing that his arm was lit up red instead of blue like it was now.
He turned and read the nameplates: Jack Morrison, Angela Ziegler, then a missing plate, and another missing plate, Jesse McCree, the other two plates to the right of Jesse's were missing too. Why they missing? Who had those lockers? Jesse thought to himself.
"Deadman walking." A dark, chilling voice chuckled ominously from nowhere. It sent Jesse into a panic, grabbing for his gun to see that it wasn't on his hip and his Blackwatch clothes had been replaced by jeans that were bloodstained and boots he had outgrown decades ago. "I Should have let you die." The voice purred in his ear, making him spin in a circle to try and see this ghost. A sharp pain in his arm made him look down and notice that he had been shot several times in the arm and he was bleeding out. "Would have been simpler." The voice chuckled, and Jesse felt the hairs on his neck stand up. "Dormir para siempre, ingrate." He felt something cold press into his back and tears began to fall from his eyes in fear. He recognized the voice now. "DIE!" sleep forever, ingrate
Jesse woke in a cold sweat again, clutching his chest where he could feel the phantom pain of a gunshot, he pulled at his shirt in the dim light given off by the yellow bulb lamp in the corner of the room and saw his hairy but intact chest rising and falling with panicked breath. Jesse collapsed back onto the couch and looked around the room, the clock on the wall telling him that he had only been asleep for twenty minutes. He wiped the sweat from his brow and groaned, he wouldn't be getting any sleep anytime soon. Hauling himself to his feet he saw Santana was sleeping soundly still and decided he would go to get a drink at the bar.