Posted January 3, 2019

Bella was still waiting for Paul to shove his proverbial foot into his mouth.

So far, she'd been happily disappointed on that front.

She tossed another chunk of the large crumbling log she was perched on into the fire, watching the brief flare of it joining the larger conflagration. Around her, soft conversation bubbled. Angela and Sally were still involved in a complex game that used pebbles and sticks as place holders. There was a narrative element to it as well, which Seth was eagerly leading.

She smiled, cocooned in the night's sounds. It felt like a small symphony, the rhythm set by the lap of waves on the pebbled beach, layered with an irregular percussion of laughter, and the low hum of various, and unknown insects in the trees behind them.

A set of solid fingers held a small, copper coin in front of her.

"For your thoughts?" Jacob asked.

"How literally figurative," she said, smiling a little.

"Well," Jacob said, palming the penny when she didn't take it, "I'd offer you something to eat, but I don't think Paul's left anything." He looked over the fire, to where Paul had joined the game with Sally and Angela.

"Just enjoying here, right now. It's beautiful. Peaceful." She looked over at where he'd sat on the log beside her, adding pointedly but gently, "Not awkward and weird."

"Yeah, gotcha," Jake said.

Bella's face must have held its warning shape, because he kept talking, and he sounded nervous. "I really do understand, and I'm sorry about before."

"I know, Jake. You've said that a lot. A lot."

"It's warranted repeating."

Her eyebrows did a pushup in acknowledgement.

Jacob grabbed a stick and poked at the fire.

Bella's fingers itched to do likewise.

Jake held out the long stick, clean end towards her.

She hesitated before taking it.

"Not some sort of weird metaphor for stoking my fire. Trust me."

She snorted out a laugh.

"Come on," he cajoled, "everyone likes poking at a bonfire."

She took it, and nudged a few pieces of wood, watching part of the structure shift, and the flame shoot briefly higher.

Jacob watched the fire, his fingers loosely knitted together, dangling off his knees. He really was huge.

Everyone else was lost in their own conversations, and Bella relaxed, realizing Jacob wasn't going to impose on her quiet space.

"Did my dad say where I went?" he finally asked.

"No."

"Is it OK, if I talk a bit?" he asked. He sounded worried.

She glanced over at him. His face was pinched with concern.

Concern for her? Or for not being heard?

"Sure," she mumbled, flicking her eyes over to where Sam and Emily sat. She knew she had recourse there if Jake pushed beyond her good will.

"I went north. Really far north. Went far enough that it was hard to hear . . . everyone." He looked around the wide circle of light. "The quiet was really nice."

Bella nodded, not sure if he expected more.

"Do you know much about how we become what we are?"

"Um, no."

Jacob looked towards Angela and Sally. They were the only ones there who didn't know what the assembled people were. They were wholly engrossed in Seth's game. There was a look that Bella caught between Seth and Sally, and it made her stomach flutter uncertainly. Was that wise?

"Seth's a good guy," Jacob murmured softly.

"What?" Looking over, she saw him watching too.

"Seth won't screw around."

Bella nodded, but frowned, seeing Seth and Sally's hands brushing by each other. A protective surge of feeling washed through her.

"His sister'd rip him a new one if he did. Anyway, what do you know about how we . . . change?"

"Nothing, really." She turned her attention back to Jacob. His gaze was focused, but no more so than she would expect from a friend.

"Some of us carry the gene in our tribe, but it doesn't manifest, not unless we're exposed to—" he paused, his lips and tongue seeming to twist a bit. "Creatures like the Cullens."

Bella poked at the fire again, biting her lip when two large logs fell sideways, dismantling the larger structure.

Jacob picked up another stick and neatly flipped them back into place. Then he stirred circles in the sand with the burnt edge of it. "My change happened about a month before you came to live in Forks. It was . . . difficult. Getting used to having two forms was even harder. Any kind of emotional upset set me off at first. I'd managed to get a handle on most of it, but when you came back to live with us—" he blew out a breath. "I'd had a bit of . . . crush on you before, when we were younger."

"I know."

He grinned. "That obvious?"

"Hard to miss, Jake." Despite all that had happened, she smiled. "You were sweet. What eleven year old doesn't want a really cool collection of snail shells?"

"That was a sweet collection."

They both chuckled.

"And I learned that maybe giving them a girl without warning might not be the best idea."

"Valuable life lesson," Bella agreed, remembering the startling experience. She'd dropped the small cardboard box, thinking the things were live. Their delicate forms had shattered.

"Sorry about dropping them."

"It's OK, Bella. Anyway, when I changed, everything became so much more intense, so much harder to grasp. And after we found you—with—"

"Edward."

"Yeah, sure—I meant more where we first found you. It was a shock. I mean, you were like family, and we'd let you go. I know my dad felt so responsible. I did too."

"You weren't responsible for me. For my choices."

"I know, I know. I mean, I know that now. But then, I didn't. And with the change, and all those feelings, everything became muddled. And when you told us you and . . . when you said who you were seeing. I lost it. Not that you need me telling you that," he said, glancing at her arm, now covered by a long shirt, "but I lost control, and I didn't get it back. Not until I left."

Bella kept making circles in the sand with her stick, listening intently. Uneasily.

"You ever seen a pair of beavers?"

"What?" She was beginning to feel like she had whiplash, listening to Jacob talk.

"Beavers? You know, big flappy tails, build dams?"

"Uh," Bella started, not sure where he was going. "In books, on TV, yeah?"

"Sorry, you must think I'm nuts."

Yes.

She cleared her throat in what she hoped was a tactful way.

He kept going voice just loud enough for her to hear. "I spent most of my time away wolf-shaped. Saw a lot of things people don't get to see. And," he smiled, recalling this, "I saw beavers where I was. And a really amazing beaver dam. It was an old pair there. They mate for life, hey?"

"Oh?" Bella said nervously.

"They do. I watched them for days. I'm sure you think that sounds spectacularly interesting."

Bella didn't think it was so strange at all. She'd watched people her entire life. She imagined being an animal would give Jacob an interesting perspective on other animals' lives. Lately, she'd watched Carlisle and Esme. Their relationship was a study in the small signs of tender adoration. The tiniest gestures gave voice to feelings as powerful as tides. Watching them gave her hope.

"I get it," she said huskily.

Jacob nodded. "There's a lot of love in the small, and patient things that beavers do. They groom each other, almost constantly. They feed each other, and they work together. Nothing spectacular. No drama." He chuckled at this last remark. "And they rarely fight, except in defense. Not with each other."

Bella nodded.

"It made me realize that what I'd been holding onto wasn't . . . real. Some crushes are just meant to be crushes." He said this last bit with a cheeky grin. "Sorry to disappoint you."

Bella let out the breath she was holding, hand still clenched tightly around the stick. She couldn't quite make herself smile.

"Sorry," he said. "I try to make everything a joke. I know that it isn't—I'm just," he sighed. "I'd like to be your friend. I don't want to screw that up."

Jacob went back to prodding the pool of ash around the fire.

"But I get if I've ruined that possibility, Bella."

"You haven't ruined it, Jacob. I'm just—I need time. I need time for a lot of things."

"OK," he said softly.

They both turned their attention back to the fire's remnants, and the pool of light that spilled outward from it.

"I was really surprised that you came at all tonight." He looked over at her. "I didn't think he'd let you."

"He didn't want to."

"But you came anyway?" he asked, voice rising.

"It took some time to arrive at an arrangement." She looked over at him. "He isn't controlling, if that's what you're wondering about."

"No, I've given him reason enough, Bella." He frowned. "Are you sure he's OK with this?"

She'd thought things were good when they'd parted at the boundary line, but now worry wormed into her thoughts. Then her feelings turned to suspicion. "Why are you asking?"

"I don't have any ulterior motives. I'm just . . . surprised, that's all. We are mortal enemies."

"He all but sent me to live with you, not so long ago."

"That was different."

Now she laughed. "That's what he said."

Jacob scowled briefly, but then his face relaxed into one of his easy going grins. "Great minds, I guess." He shrugged.

With a stick, Bella made two lines down, and two lines across in the rough sand, and then drew an X in the middle. Jacob smiled and added his O to the side.

She was pretty sure he let her win.

As Sam moved towards the dying bonfire with fresh wood, Bella considered his careful movements. The precise application of each piece.

She thought of the love—of the fire, that had flared between her and Edward, and how it'd felt like they'd struggled to build a solid base after its initial sparks. Were still struggling, in some ways. She didn't doubt Edward, but she did doubt herself. She needed to be her best for him. She needed to be better for him.

- 0 -

"How was it?" Edward asked, his cool fingers interlaced with her warm ones.

She'd been grateful for his earlier, and quiet greeting in the car on the way home. Their mutual silence during the drive had been a peaceful one.

"It was good. Really good."

"What made it so good?"

She leaned into him. "Being with friends. Poking sticks at the fire. Watching Seth make Sally smile."

Edward cocked a speculative eyebrow.

She shook her head. "No, it was sweet, really."

"I agree. Sweet is the appropriate word."

"Really? You think—?"

"I think Sally likes Seth."

"You heard—?"

"No, no. I just have eyes. I saw how she looked when you mentioned he'd be there."

She nodded, and then turned her head into his chest. "Thank you, for saying yes. And I'm sorry for pushing you on this. I don't think you were as OK as I let myself think."

His arm slipped around her. "No, I wasn't. And I'm sorry, that I wasn't. I don't want to hold you back from friends, but I'm still . . . struggling to trust the wolves."

Her stomach twisted guiltily. "You're more important to me than friends, Edward—"

"No—please don't ever think it's a competition between me and your friendships, Bella. I don't want to control you. I'm not that kind of monster."

He said this last part with a smile, and her lips curled up to match his in shape.

"I know. I'm just seeing things in different ways. Jacob actually helped with that."

She waited for his body to tense at the name, but there was nothing, just his arms, wrapped around her.

They stayed like this for a while, her warm breath mixing with the cold current of his.

"I love you Edward. I know you know that. It's like—my heart isn't my own anymore. It beats here." she brushed her fingers just under his collar bone.

His throat seemed to tighten. "You took the words right out of my mouth." His hand mirrored hers in place, and their lips touched in that sweet contact, that made her forget every failing, worry, and fear.