Chapter 15 – A Grimm Secret
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Previously on The Forgiven: Grimm, Liar, Norse, and Moody attend the graduation of Hogwarts students. During the ceremony, Grimm reveals her childhood memories to her two comrades.
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Have you ever had that one person?
…
That one person where every time your thoughts went to them, your heart would just—ache…
You forgot them, they forgot you, and suddenly, POOF!
You do something or see something that reminds you of them.
Or maybe you're like me, who keeps a memento close by to dive into the memories every once in a while.
The things we do with the memories of those once closest to us…
…
So masochistic…
A fleeting suffering.
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It started in my first year attending Hogwarts.
My father was an Auror and pure blooded wizard. Our line was vaguely related to the Weasleys if I remember right.
Mother was Muggle. She worked with teeth…. What were they called again?
Dentists. That was it.
My family was prime target for Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Pure blooded wizard marrying a Muggle? We might as well have put up a sign saying, "Avada Kedavra here, please".
Despite the threat, we lived the best we could. We were happy.
I attended my first year of school and earned one of the top spots in all my classes. Sorted into Gryffindor, to my parents' surprise, and made some good friends. Especially my distant relative, Charlie Weasley. We were both recruited for the Quidditch team early on, by McGonagall no less…
I was a bright and arrogant child back then. Basking in my talent and cleverness. Thrill seeker, full of energy and pride, but a good moral compass overall.
And then I met her.
Nymphadora Tonks.
Small adorable Hufflepuff girl, who, I admit embarrassingly now, I bullied rather cruelly.
I teased her about her name, her morphing ability, goaded her into weird transformations, and poked fun at her at every turn. It was the childish way adolescents bullied their school heart crush. Not that I truly understood the reasons of my behavior until later on.
Back then, I already saw how magnificent she was. Clever, bold, quirky, cute, hilariously funny. If I listed all of the qualities I thought fondly of, I'd likely fill several rolls and tomes the size of mountains. But again, I never understood my feelings towards her, and as my attention towards her grew, so did my bullying.
For a whole year, I teased poor Tonks without her or I really knowing why.
Summer arrived and I returned home from Hogwarts.
That was when my life took its first turns for the worst…
My father disappeared shortly after I came back.
The Ministry worked around the clock to find him, but his abduction was far from rare. Those days, Aurors and wizards related to Muggles disappeared almost on a daily basis. I heard Moody himself, headed the investigation, but had no luck.
After a couple of nerve wracking weeks, they found his body. The Death Eaters carved a Muggle hate message on his chest and threw him in front of the Ministry of Magic.
My mother had a mental breakdown when she saw him. Fell to her knees and sobbed like mad.
I remembered grabbing the wand of a nearby wizard and swearing revenge. Took a few workers to restrain me. I guess even back then, I had some black blood in me…
As soon as dad's funeral was over, I began my magical studies with new fervor. Completely possessed by vengeful desires, I read my volume of Defense Against the Dark Arts in a single night. I slept for two hours and went to the nearest magic book store. Purchased anything to do with combat spells and research on the darkest arts.
I lost track of time, studied for days straight with little sleep in between. Only when my stomach growled with hunger did I realize I couldn't recall the last time I ate. Then another strange realization donned on me.
I didn't remember the last time my mother and I spoke.
My child self jumped off the bed and ran down the stairs of my house.
She was exactly where I had seen her last.
Lying on the couch, crying. My mother had been so absorbed by her grief and I, my rage that we forgot about the world around us, including each other.
I tried to talk to her, get a reaction, but she was so thoroughly broken. She wouldn't move, wouldn't eat…I didn't know what to do. It was unbearable to see her that way. I couldn't stand it.
Being a witch and being too arrogant for my own good, my younger self decided to do something about my parent in pain.
Thinking back on it now, it's really hard to believe what I did myself. A child's thought process can truly be both frighteningly incomprehensible and disturbingly logical.
I only saw one solution to the problem, and it was to give my mother a new start to life…
So my younger self planned out what documents needed to be forged, how much of my mother's memory needed tampering and Obliviating, and how to handle everything that would happen afterwards.
It was a cold and calculated course of action. No thought given to the consequences. Only a child could have come up with it.
When all the details were worked out, I cast the string of spells as quickly as possible. The process had to be complete by the time the Ministry sent workers over to address the underage use of magic.
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A few hours later, I found myself standing in my parents' bedroom without really knowing why.
The drawers and closet doors were open, revealing nothing inside. Any traces of human presence had been wiped clean from it. The vacant bedroom was rather eerie actually.
It took me a while to understand what was going on. All I could think of was,
"Oh. It must have worked."
In addition to setting up a new life for my mother, I did one other thing at the end. To assure my mother's life free of any harmful connection to my father and magic, I removed my own memories of her whereabouts. It prevented any temptations to go looking for her and reawakening her trauma.
The Ministry response took longer than expected. Tremendously slow, even by government standards. The owl letters arrived immediately, but the actual personnel didn't come until a whole day later.
It was no problem telling them the truth. With the war with Voldemort in full swing, the Ministry had more to worry about than some little girl who Obliviated her mother. They didn't have time to punish me, much less find a viable option for my guardianship.
It's kind of funny, really.
Had me sign some documents, told them I would continue attending Hogwarts, made me promise not to use magic anymore, and practically left me alone afterwards. It's hilarious how irresponsible it was. But it worked to my convenience so I didn't complain.
Those were the quietest moments of my life.
Time was spent studying magic for the one day I would have my revenge. My rage that burned like the flames of hell had nestled into a quiet fury. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say it was hibernating. That "me" was my most emotionless.
The young really are adaptable to most anything.
As a child, I was able to set aside a certain amount of living expenses from my parents' funds. I learned to cook for myself, so I wouldn't die of starvation. Fully functioning in all the mundane errands life required. Self-sufficiency gained in a week max.
Moody visited one time. Heard what I had done and scolded me. Don't remember seeing him so angry to this day.
I think he asked me why I did it. Don't remember my answer, but he smacked me a good one after that. Didn't feel it….
Didn't feel anything during that time…
Those blank months of summer passed without much color and it was back to Hogwarts.
I was dead on the inside, but put up my old lively face in front of my peers. It was simple to act like nothing was wrong. Surprised at how easy it was. No one noticed.
Whenever a question of my parents came up, I sidestepped the topic and no one was the wiser. Except for Professor McGonagall, I suppose.
She tried to talk to me, get me to open up. It didn't happen, but the thought was appreciated. Should have done it. Could have just bled the wound then and there, but I let it fester instead.
But it's fine it worked out that way, because what happened next would change…well— everything…
It was in the middle of the first semester, when I was bullying Tonks per my usual routine. Though, this time would be significantly different from the others. This time, I pushed the little Hufflepuff a bit too far.
I think I made some unsavory remark about her hair. Probably traumatized by how often I made fun of it, Tonks had chosen to make it as black and plain as possible. Even to this day, I can't really remember what I said, but I know it was much worse than my usual standards. Maybe the weight of what I had done was finally getting to me. Wanted to take it out on someone…
Chose the target of my outburst poorly, but fortunately(in the long run).
I never saw Tonks so angry. All her pent up rage from the bullying must've built up to that.
She took out her wand and hissed something. Some blue light flashed before my eyes and I flew across the hallway like an arrow from a bow.
When I came to, all the kids around me were laughing. I checked my body for any changes, but couldn't find out what was wrong.
Tonks was so cute.
Even though she was the one who hexed me, she ran over with such a worried face, apologizing the whole time.
One of my friends finally handed me a mirror and I saw what Tonks had done. Dark, blue streaks painted my hair. It was the first time I felt a genuine emotion in so long.
Meanwhile, Tonks kept apologizing and telling me to let her fix it.
Then something unexpected happened as I brushed her hand away…
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I laughed…
…
I teared up a little, but I laughed.
Everyone must've thought I was mental. Tonks looked so worried.
When I came to my senses, I had a smile on my face.
"I like it."
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I stopped bullying Tonks after that. Stayed completely away from her.
I realized my feelings for the girl, and how teasing her was my way of showing it. But it was for that very reason I wanted to keep my distance. My child self rationalized that intimacy with another would only hurt me and them in the end.
School went on without much happening and another year came to pass.
It was summer again and we all took the train to King's Cross.
It's a wonder how I lasted so long….
It kind of just…hit me.
I stepped off the train and onto the platform. BOOM. I felt it.
Had all my luggage beside me on a roller and I couldn't move. Tried to will my legs in front of the other, but they wouldn't budge.
Suddenly, it all flooded in.
How my parents' picked me up in my first year. How I would be going back to that empty house now. How I didn't know where my own mother was, and I, myself, Obliviated all her memories of me and my dad.
…
….It crushed me.
I couldn't move.
The rest of the students left with their parents and I stayed there until they were all gone. The Hogwarts Express left.
I'm not sure how long I stood there—felt like hours.
…
Didn't notice Tonks in front of me until she started yelling.
"Grimma!"
"…Tonks?"
"What's wrong? Where are your parents?"
"Huh? Um—They're—…."
I remember Tonks' parents standing behind her with the same concerned look.
"They…aren't here anymore."
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Not sure how it happened, but I ended up at Tonks' place. Her parents treated me so well, it hurt. I couldn't pretend to be the lively girl I was at school. So I went back to being emotionless.
It was my default now.
While I was staying with them, I brought up the issue of going home once. Her parents gently insisted that they couldn't allow me to do that….
It was nice.
But despite their best efforts, I still chose not to open up to them. They probably contacted someone at the Ministry to learn my circumstances. It only made them want to watch over me more.
Tonks tried so hard to get through. It was annoyingly difficult to keep her out. Just hearing her say my name everyday was enough to send shivers down my spine….
Embarrassing.
Stupid.
Made me itchy.
…
….
Then, one fateful day...
Damn.
We were having dinner and I think Mr. Tonks mentioned something happening overseas. It was on the news. Some random arbitrary topic that shouldn't have had the effect it did.
The fork I was eating with dropped from my hand and I felt my whole body freeze up. I heard something that sparked memories of my mother.
The place Mr. Tonks mentioned might have been where I sent her, or maybe somewhere nearby.
I excused myself and ran to the bathroom.
I tried to forget, tried to get rid of that feeling.
I'd want to see her again if I remembered.
It was blasphemy.
Couldn't allow it.
I threw up everything I had eaten and went to the bedroom I shared with Tonks….
I was so sick of it. Sick of it all. Sick of myself.
Disturbed with what I had done…
I just…wanted it to end…
How do I make it all end?
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Before I knew it, I was holding my wand to my head.
Hands were shaking. Hot tears felt like they were burning out my eyes.
I just wanted oblivion.
So badly.
Run away from this life and let someone else deal with it.
*Sigh*
Liar probably understands now why I was able to relate to him so well after this.
I wish I could say I found some hidden strength within me. Some noble sentiment that there was plenty to live for. That I knew for certain my life wasn't worth throwing away, and my memories were worth keeping.
Plain idiocy.
I was dead set on doing what Liar would do years later.
Tired of it all. Everything was so focked…
Just so focked…
But as I stood there…. in the darkness of the room with a wand to my temple, I was tackled forward.
When I tried to get up, someone held me down.
It was Tonks, of course…
Blubbering away like a cute little idiot, screaming,
"DON'T DO IT, GRIMMA! PLEASE! DON'T DO IT!"
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I cried. She cried harder.
I cried harder.
So stupid.
So warm.
…
We slept in the same bed that night, soaked in each other's tears. Not really sure what came over me.
Suppose I just got swept up in the moment…
I kissed her.
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She was only two inches away from me! My self-control was completely shot by then, so— Ugh! No, those are just excuses.
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I loved her, and before I could explain myself, Tonks kissed me back.
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We spent every moment possible together.
I lived with Tonks and her parents for the rest of that summer. When we went back to Hogwarts, I chose to undergo the accelerated education program to graduate sooner and become an Auror.
Those were the happiest times of my life…
Tonks and I caused mayhem all over school. How many times did we sneak into each other's dorms? How many times did we get caught?
An embarrassing number I could be proud of.
So stupid.
McGonagall chewed us out pretty good. I remember one time we found an old photo of her. She looked so young and, in bad taste, I goaded Tonks into taking her form…
Naturally, McGonagall found out, but instead of punishing us, we saw her laugh for the first time ever!
….then she punished us.
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When the school year ended, Mad Eye took me in. He'd heard about my trying to become an Auror and made me an apprentice of sorts. Somewhere along the way, he became a kind of father figure and I his daughter.
We'd never admit that to each other, though. I'll always be grateful to him.
Tonks, her family, and Mad Eye saved me.
Not too long after, I graduated and became an official Auror. Tonks still attended school, but we exchanged letters and spent whatever time we could.
When summer rolled around, she stayed over at my personal flat. Waking up next to her, eating breakfast together, and then I'd head off to work…
It was bliss.
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And then I killed three Death Eaters…
Sentenced to death, life sentence….or join The Forgiven.
Of course, her memories of me were Obliviated when I joined up with the Albus's secret club.
I would have given up long ago, if I didn't have her.
I kept the blue streaks she colored into my hair from way back when.
It kept me going.
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Disgustingly embarrassing….
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(Back in the present, at the Hogwarts Graduation Ceremony)
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Grimm finished imparting her memories to Norse and Liar.
The leader of the Forgiven tried not to look at them out of embarrassment. But after not sensing any sort of response, she reluctantly turned around to face them.
Norse embraced her in a bear hug and lifted her off her feet. Liar had tears in his eyes, jumped, and hugged Grimm from the other side. It was a very haphazard show of affection.
When the Forgiven were all hugged out, Grimm turned to the ceremonial grounds.
With a deep breath, she whispered,
"Expecto Patronum."
A silvery smoke fox leapt from her wand and ran towards the group of celebrating graduates.
After a few short moments, the Patronus came back with a witch's hat in its mouth; a young girl chasing after.
The fox wisp jumped onto Grimm's shoulder, handed off the hat, and disappeared. Tonks stopped in front of her and rested her hands on her knees. She was fairly out of breath, to which Grimm found cute.
"Wotcher, Tonks."
"Huh—? Uh, yeah. Wotcher."
Grimm handed Tonks's hat back to her. For a moment, the mousy haired girl seemed dumbstruck.
"Cool thing with your hair!" she suddenly blurted.
"Thanks. A special acquaintance of mine dyed it a long time ago, and the style sort of just… stuck."
"Oh. I see."
"…"
"Do I know you?"
"Probably saw me in passing. I graduated too, but didn't draw a lot of attention."
"Feels like I would've remembered you."
"Sure about that?" Grimm asked teasingly. "Listen, I know it's a bit out of sorts for me to ask you this, but have you traded your graduation emblem yet?"
"Hm?...What?!"
"Ahahaha…" Grimm laughed embarrassingly.
It was an old tradition that the exchanging of graduation emblems held a deep meaning. Sometimes it was a ceremony performed by the closest of friends…other times it could be a ritual between two lovers, or serve as someone's love confession.
"Sorry, you probably wouldn't want to exchange it with someone you've just met."
"No, I don't necessarily mind—!" Tonks said in a fluster. The girl blushed and her hair changed various color schemes.
She unpinned the emblem bearing the house of Hufflepuff from her cape. As she held it in her hands, she took a deep breath to calm her beating heart. With a bright smile on her face, Tonks held the pin out to Grimm.
"Feels like my body's moving on its own a bit…" Tonks said shyly.
Liar and Norse blinked behind them, and Grimm read their thoughts.
"I didn't Imperius her, you idiots!"
And with that, Grimm severed the Legilimens Link with her two comrades to prevent further distraction. The blue haired girl took out her old emblem, which she polished the night before. Hers bearing the House of Gryffindor on it.
And the two witches exchanged the pins, grinning widely at each other.
"Congratulations, Tonks."
"Thanks. You too…Um?"
"Oh. I never told you my name, huh? It's—"
"Gri….mma…."
Grimm froze on the spot.
"Grimma…Huh? Wait—! How did…I…"
Tonks's pupils contracted and she felt a shock course through her head. She massaged her eyes as she mouthed the name over silently and then out loud again.
"…Grimma…"
She looked up and saw her forgotten love pointing a wand at her.
"You, bonehead…"Grimm said with a sorrowful smile. Tears fell from her eyes and traced the edges of her cheeks. "Why'd you have to go and start remembering…"
Tonks' eyes went wide with recognition.
She was in a panic.
"Grimma..! No—!"
"Obliviate..."
It was barely louder than a breath.
Grimm's wand glowed a murky white light that grew and faded with the light in Tonks's eyes. The girl's expression changed from distraught to emotionless. She seemed to enter a temporary blank trance.
Grimm looked at the Hufflepuff emblem in her hand and moved to re-exchange it.
To her surprise, Norse and Liar grabbed her arm.
"There's no harm in letting it be, now is there?" Liar frowned.
"And what is she supposed to think, when she finds she has a Gryffindor emblem instead of a Hufflepuff one?"
Liar shrugged.
"Who cares."
*Sigh* "Thanks but I should really—"
Norse pulled Grimm into the usual tight embrace and carried her off her feet and away from Tonks. Even though their leader was being forcibly removed, she didn't seem to fight it. Liar finished modifying Tonks's memories before leaving.
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In the middle of the field, right outside the forbidden forest, Tonks stared at the emblem in her hand.
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Do you ever get the feeling you forgot someone really important in your life...?
That they had this great effect on you at some point, and you just can't remember them no matter how hard you try?
It's…tragic….
They were there and I…
Just feel something when I touch this emblem.
….
…
It hurts.