Ch 2 – When The Party's Over
Don't you know too much already
I'll only hurt you if you let me
Call me friend but keep me closer (Call me back)
And I'll call you when the party's over
"A little chilly out here, isn't it?" she says, walking up and leaning against the railing next to him
"Nothing I can't handle" he mumbles, keeping his eyes glued on the skyline
"So, this is how it's going to be from now on, huh?" she says, raising her voice slightly, but not enough to hide the hurt lingering in it
"What do you want me to say Donna? That I'm happy for you? Because I told you I was" he mumbles, still facing away from her, worried that even one look at her will break him further
"You don't seem happy for me Harvey!" she yells
"Do you think it's easy? For me to see you with him?!" he says, finally turning to face a red faced, angry Donna
She tilts her head and raises an eyebrow in response
"You don't get to do that"
"Do what?"
"The whole 'It bothers me, but I don't want more' bullshit!" her face is now flushed with anger as she yells at him
"YOU DON'T GET TO TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME HARVEY!"
"And what if it bothers me and I do want more?!" he screams back
She stares back, shocked and angry at him for ruining this for her when she knew he would never man up and make a move.
"What?" she says, barely above a whisper
"What if I want more?" he says firmly, stepping towards her
The anger has fallen from her voice now and the tears begin to fall as she speaks, "You don't get to want more! You had 13 years to want more Harvey! And now just because I'm finally happy with someone else you think you can suddenly decide you want more?! Is this just some big game to you? Because if it is, I don't want to play anymore" she exhales and crosses her arms across her chest, partly for warmth, but mostly to make a statement.
"Donna" he tries
"No Harvey! You don't get to lead me on just to shut me out again! We've been down this road too many times and I refuse to do it again!" She's yelling again, frustrated with how calm he seems to be.
Staring down at his shoe, he decides he can't miss his opportunity, not again.
"Did you feel anything when you kissed me?" he mumbles
She stares at him, fuming.
"You don't get to ask me things like that anymore!" she exclaims
"Oh, but you get to ask me things like that?" he fires back
"When have I ever…?" she begins
"Really Donna? How about when you asked me how I love you, ring any bells?"
"Well it's not like you answered it!" she screams back
"I don't think you want an answer!" he yells back
"Oh ya, try me!" she screams, their exchange getting rather heated
"I.." he pauses, unable to put how he feels about her into words. It's too big, too much. It's such a simple simple statement, 5 words really, but he can't seem to make his mouth move. His heart seems to know the words his mind and mouth won't say.
"That's what I thought" she says, turning towards the door back into he party.
"Donna"
"Have a nice night, Harvey" and with that she leaves him outside alone with his thoughts.
He wipes at the tear that has formed in the corner of his eye and turns back to look over the city once more. He's boiling with anger and frustration. How could she not see that this wasn't a game to him, that he really wanted more. The timing of her relationship with Thomas couldn't have been worse. He understands why she thinks Thomas is the only reason he has sudden feelings for her, but for once in her life he knows, Donna Paulsen is wrong. His feelings for her had nothing to do with her being unavailable. He loved her. He was in love with her. He slams his fist into the concrete wall in front of him in frustration. What good was realizing how he felt about her when he couldn't express those feelings? The pavement beneath him slowly starts to slip away as his vision blurs and he puts his arms against the wall to steady himself. He tries to take deep breaths, but each inhale is like a swift kick in the gut. He loves her, but he can't tell her. She hates him for trying to take away her happiness. The friendship they worked so hard to maintain over the years seemed to have dissipated, and there was nothing he could do about it. He slowly sinks to the floor, back to the wall as he tries to talk himself out of his panic attack. He could fix this, he thinks. He just needs to man up and tell her. Tell her that he's always wanted more, he's just been too afraid to risk their friendship and he was an idiot for that. He starts to catch his breath again as his head sinks into his palm and rests against his knees. Harvey Specter was the picture of a broken man, and he was the only one who could fix this. He had to try. He couldn't lose her, not again, not without a fight.
He pulls out his phone and dials until a familiar voice picks up on the other end.
"Missing me already?" he hears Mike answer
"Something like that" Harvey mumbles
"Everything okay? You sound, distracted" Mike says
"Actually no, it's Donna. She's been seeing someone and.."
"It's someone that's not you?" Mike finishes
"How did you know?"
"Just a gut feeling" Mike smiles into the phone
"Harvey, does Donna know how you feel?"
"I don't know" Harvey admits
"Ever think maybe you should tell her because she might feel the same way?"
"I can't now Mike, not when she's with someone else. Besides, she didn't feel anything when she kissed me, remember?"
"You really are lost without me, aren't you?" Mike chuckles
"What's so funny?"
"Harvey, did it ever occur to you that Donna said that to help you with the Paula situation?"
Harvey takes a minute and process's what Mike just said. It hadn't occurred to him that she might have lied; but he wished it would have, things could have been so different.
"That doesn't change the fact that she's with someone else" Harvey remembers
"My advice; tell Donna how you feel. You two want to be together, you'll find a way to make it happen"
"Thanks Mike" Harvey smiles
"Anytime, although next time I'm charging for my valuable time"
"Good to see your as arrogant as ever" Harvey yawns
"Good to see your old as ever" Mike says
"Say hi to Rachel"
"Goodluck with Donna"
Harvey drops the phone back into his pocket and stands up, dusting off his pants and heads inside, hoping to avoid another confrontation with Donna, and get out of there so he could head back to his apartment and drown his sorrows in scotch.
Her hands are shaking when she closes the door to the balcony and heads back to the party. She leans against the door and closes her eyes, trying to calm herself down before returning to the room of party goers. How dare he imply he wanted more now that she had moved on with someone else. She takes a deep breath in and smooths the edge of her dress with her still shaking palm. She drops her head into her hands in frustration, if she had really moved on, why were his words bothering her so much? Echoing through her head, playing over as she tries to pick them apart. He didn't mean it. This is what Harvey does, he's just afraid of losing her. He doesn't want more. He already has everything; and his everything didn't include a place for her.
She shouldn't have snapped at him so quickly she thinks, but then again, he deserved it for pouting about her new relationship. She waited 12, nearly 13 years for him, she couldn't wait around anymore, she wasn't getting any younger.
She takes a final deep breath and gathers her thoughts before heading to find Thomas. Screw Harvey and his random confessions, she wouldn't let it get to her this time. She spots Thomas talking to Louis by the bar and smiles as she slips in beside him, brushing her hand along his arm and sending him a small smile.
"There you are, everything alright?" Thomas asks
"Ya, everything's just fine" she manages, eyes wandering back towards the door leading to the balcony. She doesn't see him anywhere, she supposes must've gone home for the night. Her mind wanders back to their screaming match, the defeated look he wore and the sadness in his eyes. She's incredibly angry at his child like behaviour but that look he wore tears a small whole in her heart, she had always hated to see him hurt. To be the one hurting him, well, she didn't know how to fix this, or if they ever would.
"Donna" Thomas calls, snapping her out of her thoughts and back to reality
"Louis asked if you've seen Harvey lately?" Thomas finishes, repeating the unanswered question Louis had asked her
"Oh. No, I haven't, why?" she says
"I just need to ask him for a favour. You guys are usually inseparable at these events I just figured you'd seen him. I'll go make the rounds and see if I can find him" Louis adds, leaving Thomas and Donna alone at the bar.
"Are you sure you're alright? You seem rattled" Thomas observes
"I'm just a little tired" she lies, "Can we head home?"
"Sure, I'll go grab your coat" he says before heading towards coat check.
Donna gestures to the bar tender and orders a glass of scotch, some subconscious part of her doing so in a weird attempt to stay close to Harvey, she didn't even really like scotch. She downs the glass in one swift sip and places it back on the bar as she closes her eyes and exhales.
Across town and finally alone in his apartment Harvey pours himself a glass of scotch and mirrors Donna's motions at the bar. In one swift motion the amber liquid is gone, and he places the glass on the table as he exhales and closes his eyes. He needed her to know how he felt about her, but he couldn't tell her while she was still with Thomas, it wasn't right. With a second drink he decides, if he can't tell her, he'll show her how he feels. He leans back on the couch and closes his eyes, the world spinning around him as his eye lids start to sleep and he dozes off.
He opens his eyes to a tender knock at the door, looking around he realizes he must have passed out on the couch. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and slowly makes his way to the door, hoping it's her. He doesn't try to hide his disappointment when he opens it to find Louis on the other side. Louis doesn't wait to be invited in and briskly walks past Harvey and takes a seat at the table, pulling out a pile of papers and mumbling something about someone trying to take over one of his client's companies.
"Louis, slow down. Some of us have had a bit to drink" Harvey admits
"I need you to help me with this take over case. It's important to me Harvey"
"Why do you need my help?"
"Because the person coming after my client's company plays dirty and I need you to help me stay one step ahead of them. Please Harvey, this client means a lot to me"
"Alright Louis I'll help you, but we can start first thing tomorrow" he says, packing up the stack of papers Louis had taken out and walking Louis towards the door. He's about to shut the door and head to bed but pauses to ask one more question.
"Which client's company is it?"
"Thomas, Thomas Kessler"