Chapter Nine: Americano
Nagisa cautiously stepped away from Haruka's warm, safe embrace and faced Rei head-on, raising his hands in a placating gesture. The brunet looked wounded, like a festering cut that had turned green and sticky with infection. Were it not for the slightly red eyes, the blond would have thought that to be rain upon his cheek. Sensing the tense mood, the foreigner took a step back, giving his friend an encouraging pat onward.
"Rei, um, this really wasn't what it looked like," Nagisa began, uncharacteristically awkward. He crossed an arm defensively across his stomach, grabbing onto his sleeve. "This is Haruka," he continued into the strangely silent park. The rain had ceased, the park was empty, and somehow in the midst of the city, no cars seemed to pass. "He's my old roommate from uni. You know, the one I've been telling you about - the tree and the nuts and all..." His voice trailed off like a gradient, lost in the mist. Visibly, the brunet forced himself to relax, dropping his arm and approaching gradually. He took his time regaining his composure, straightened himself, and offered his hand.
"I do apologize for the misunderstanding. I'm Nagisa's boyfriend, Rei Ryugazaki," he introduced himself, taking special care to wedge himself slightly closer to the blond than was necessary. For a long while, nobody moved. The grey of the day surrounded the other man grimly as he evaluated Rei's possessive posture and forced grin. The air around them became awkwardly still and stale. Only when the attorney began to put his hand down did Nagisa's friend take it up limply.
"Haruka Nanase," he deadpanned, light blue eyes boring through the misty air. He held a disinterested look about him, in the way all Americans did, somehow casual despite the regal air. When they had first met while unpacking in the dorm, Nagisa was reminded of a Siamese cat toying with a fish, two glittering indigo irises focusing sharply upon its prey in the water, but never once making a move. It was as alluring then as it was in this moment.
"Well!" Nagisa's hands clapped like thunder and he recalled that he was mad at Rei. "It's been awhile since I've seen Haru and we were just heading out for coffee. I hope you don't mind, but I'm sure you two can talk more another time," he prompted his boyfriend, awaiting his departure.
"I actually was rather hoping that... er, well, that we could talk." Nagisa looked into his eyes - this guy was so useless at taking a hint - and gave him a rather pitying look and a slight shake of his head.
"Rei, not now," he muttered, slightly exasperated, but feeling rather blue in his heart.
"Oh," he mumbled, his voice a bit higher than usual. He gave a sad wave. "Well, I - I guess I'll... talk to you later, then. Goodbye. Have a good time." He turned the way he came and jogged off, quite faster than usual. Haruka raised an eyebrow, glanced pointedly at his friend, and was met with a groan.
"Don't look at me like that," he snapped, beckoning the man to walk in the opposite direction with him. "Let's just go." He complied silently, eyes pinned upon the blond, who took the cue to spill his entire story of the past several years as they wandered together in an unknown direction.
Haruka left the university the year after General Ken Hazuki returned from the war, paralyzed from the waist down after shrapnel from a land mine pierced his spine, hounded by nightmares and a completely changed lifestyle. At first, Nagisa spent his last year living with his father, using his pension to help pay rent and using odds and ends for utilities. The boy helped him frequently in the middle of the night, but the accidents, the catheter, the bathing, took its toll on his studies and his father knew. When first he was offered the internship with Elite , the general knew that he must take his leave for the sake of his suffering son, and took up residency in a retirement home.
After a while, Nagisa was notified that his father would have to be transferred to a different facility due to an unexpected accident that left him in need of correctional surgeries and more detailed care. He was transferred to St. Lucy's where more than a year later, he still resided. With the help of doctors, medication, and therapy, his recovery was steady - as were the painful expenses. The woman Nagisa interned for - Miho Amakata - took pity on him and hired him as an assistant, a position that occupied him for a number of years.
Between university expenses, his father's medical bills, and his own cost of living, Nagisa was trapped in what soon could have become crippling debt, but dodged it with his graduation, thankfully on track due to his desperate work. It was around this time that he met the "love of his life" James and out of the spring of infatuation began one of his few long-term relationships. Like father, like son, so the saying went, and after moving in together, the relationship began to crumble.
Nagisa spent many nights away without presenting any logical reason to his beau - he found at this point that he simply couldn't humiliate the proud man he called father by speaking of his injuries and so, he kept his visits a secret. He had truly loved James, and in retrospect he knew the man didn't deserve such treatment, and so when the time came that he was fed up and left, the blond was unsurprised and despite the grey of winter becoming spring's painted lady, he found himself unable to begin afresh as regret haunted his conscience.
Here and there over the summer, he struck up several flings, but found few fulfilling and so focused on his work with the magazine. Hana was long gone, not scheduled to return until later that fall and so he and Gou grew close through many pity-parties involving far too much wine to be healthy.
Time passed naturally, but the summer days were dull and lonesome with the ache of routine, but come autumn he received his promotion, along with a raise, and met Rei in its earlier months. Things had bloomed beautifully between the lawyer and the columnist until the Halloween party not two weeks back, during which his advances were rejected and he failed to understand why .
"You're joking," Haruka stated, seated at a table across from his friend, hand wrapped around a steaming cup of black coffee. He and Nagisa sat across one another in a cafe along a busy road, watching as cars split puddles like seas as they sped by, the rain sadly drizzling the window panes. The blond had just finished his tale as they'd approached a coffee shop (not just any , he'd realized bitterly, for this was the one in which he'd met Rei in the first place) and, as the rain worsened, they'd ducked in together for some shelter. Nagisa raised his head up off the wooden table and sent a pout to the American.
"What on earth makes you think I'm kidding about this?" he demanded, tangling his wet hands into his sharp, golden locks. Haruka continued as if he hadn't heard.
"This is about sex . That tense, depressing conversation was about sex ." His incredulous blue eyes seared through the blond's weak shelter of his folded arms.
"Don't say that so loud!" he complained. "And essentially, yes, but it's more than -"
"No, not 'essentially' . That's literally it." Haruka raised an eyebrow and the unhappy Yorkshire native sighed dramatically. The brunet clearly disapproved, but it wasn't because he was prudish (after living with him for two years, Nagisa would certainly know). As he placed a snow-white hand upon his friend's leaning shoulder in a silent gesture of comfort, he knew that what displeased him most was that the columnist was in fact making life difficult for himself. He was an extrovert; he knew how to communicate. He hadn't any excuse for making both his and Rei's lives harder than they need be. He was well aware of what needed to happen if he wanted to keep his young relationship afloat, but not desiring to think upon it, he shook it off and said curiously to Haruka:
"How have your few years been? You dropped out of uni and went back to America, but you didn't keep in touch." The brunet shrugged, but as a writer, the little blond was persistent. "What have you been doing? Did you get a job without a uni degree?" he pried.
"Went back to Mohawk for a bit," he admitted after a moment. "Mom and Dad wanted help on the orchard." After a few years of living together, Nagisa had garnered some information about his home life. Haruka was born to a Native American mother and a Japanese father that had been a first-generation immigrant. His father, he was aware, had been sent to New York city for work, but discovered his passion in the countryside and environment. During a vacation to the ever-so-small town of Mohawk, he fell in love, got married, and began a local pecan and almond business. Haruka was their only son. Though born in early summer, they had chosen the kanji "haru", meaning spring, and "ka" for flower. They'd forgotten that when combined, the two characters usually meant "distant". Nagisa supposed that became a self-fulfilling prophecy. With that in mind, the blond humorously pursued.
"You never stay in one place too long. What about after?" Haruka furrowed his brow, coming off as slightly annoyed, but continued nonetheless after a short sip of coffee.
"Took some biking trips through the U.S. Found some natural hot springs. Swam." He'd been on the university's swimming team, but Nagisa knew the man hadn't been very fond of structure. Hearing about his friend's trip didn't surprise him much, for he was very keen on nature.
"Did you work at all?" the columnist pried, leaning toward his friend with interest. It was hard to get the man talking, but Haruka was truly interesting once he did. He was taken aback, however, when he snorted noisily, cast a powerful glare out the window, and pressed his lips into a thin, irritated line. The response was oddly passionate for the apathetic man and immediately, he became concerned. "What?" he asked hurriedly. "What happened?"
"Yeah, I got a job," he stated bitterly, slamming his coffee down on the table. His eyes were clear and angry, like a sharp, blue flame. "I worked for a fishery based between the U.S. and Japan for a year." Remembering his conversation with Makoto, Nagisa felt his interest being piqued. For once, he did not have to prompt his stoic friend to continue. "They completely mistreat marine life. I worked as a permanent translator while I was there - did some swimming to help with the nets and stuff. I just - I can't explain it but it made me so angry!" He was shocked at the tone of obvious frustration for he'd never known his former roommate to react in such a manner. Upon the table, his hands were cringing into fists, nearly trembling with rage, and his jaw locked shut. Nagisa could hear his teeth grinding against one another. He set his problem with Rei aside and, now hopeful despite this chill, and said determinedly,
"I think I can help you."
When Nagisa and Haruka arrived at the former's house, one Makoto Tachibana was already awaiting them at the porch. He certainly did come running at the mention of a witness for his case. The pair jogged up through the rain to greet him.
"Sorry we're late!" Nagisa gasped, unlocking the door and ushering his friends inside.
"Don't be," Makoto urged, sliding out of his damp blazer. Nagisa automatically took it and hung it up beside the door. He helped Haruka out of his and placed his own to dry. The blond then hustled back to the awkward pair of guests and introduced them with as much grace as he could muster in this situation.
"Makoto, this is Haruka Nanase, my old roommate from university. He worked for some fishery this past year and recently quit. Haru," he turned to his friend, "this is Makoto Tachibana. He's an environmental and animal lawyer that's currently working on a case against just that." He clapped his hands together pleasantly, stood straight, and left the pair at the couch. "You two have fun chatting now, I'll go put on some water for tea." Before either really had a chance to protest, he was off. Nagisa set the kettle up for a boil and, reading the atmosphere and figuring that the situation was a confidential one, scurried off to his bedroom to change.
For once in his life, he felt that he didn't really have the energy to invest in looking nice. He tossed on a tank, some dry jeans, and his favorite university pull-over before collapsing flat upon the bed. Through his closed door, he could make out the indistinct muffle of voices and was faintly surprised when here and there, Makoto's handsome laughter dotted the conversation, accompanied pleasantly by the breathless huffs of Haruka's. Absently, he noted that despite the business of law, the unlikely pair seemed to be getting along well. To think a free spirit and a straight-laced lawyer could go so well together... He placed a hand over his numbed eyes as the rain tapping the glass blurred with the voices and the dark day faded behind his wet lashes.
Faintly through the deep veil of sleep, a warm body pressed up against his, and he was taken up into someone's arms. Through the disorienting din of light peering through a crack in the room, he caught the blot of inky hair and tender blue eyes, and was that perhaps a grey suit...?
"It's fine, you can go," came a faded, dim voice and the blonde loosely clung to the soft fabric of the other man's shirt. "I'll look after him," he insisted. From elsewhere came the sound of assent and the body put him down properly in the center of the bed, protected from the cold by a blanket.
"Rei, dun go..." Nagisa murmured, half-asleep and desperately reaching for those long, pale fingers that left him behind. A long, sympathetic silence followed his declaration, and no one replied. He rolled over and fell unconscious almost immediately, his mind vanishing into a black water that would leave him barely remembering the exchange.
He awoke in a dream, wearing a sleeveless grey ballgown, and running along a path of sepia squares. A huge, black pen was chasing him along and he could barely keep the frills from the violent point. Salty, cold tears of water flicked at him from stone fountains swirling with muddy whirlpools on either side of him, churning with malleable, blond leaves. He was terribly frightened, but he kept sprinting straight as an arrow, trusting that it would lead him to safety, but he led himself to an intersection, leaving him with the choice to go left, right, or dead on as he had been. At the end of the crossroads before him stood Rei and try as he might to call out, Nagisa could not speak. Behind him echoed the thud of the pen and he tripped forward, running to his beau. As he passed the man on the right, the brunet turned left in the opposite direction to glance behind him and Nagisa despaired with the knowledge that if only he'd waited a moment longer, Rei would have met him there halfway. His path became blurred by an ashy city swirled with saline tears and alone, Nagisa fell down into the colorless grey.
The blond awoke halfway through the next morning, having slept more than 14 hours with a distinct sense of guilt surrounding him. He'd been so stupid to overreact as he had, so soon after the promise of commitment and, recalling the the instinct he'd had to hold Rei tighter at the thought of a split, realized that this was no proper way to start a long-term relationship.
He pushed himself out of bed, still wearing his jeans from the previous day, accompanied by his university pullover sweater. He didn't bother changing as he abandoned his cold bed and shuffled down the hall and into the kitchen, completely dazed.
"Morning, sleeping beauty," greeted the emotionless voice of Haruka. Nagisa's heart swelled with tender hurt for some reason he didn't recognize and the cold blue eyes softened with unmistakable empathy. He'd helped himself to some coffee. As the blond collapsed into the chair across from his, he rose to the kitchen, pouring the remainder for his friend. The poor writer had collapsed in on himself, elbows upon the table, fingers tangled in his dull, yellowed hair.
"I'm going out," he muttered thickly, leaving the beverage behind. Unshed tears of regret were audible in his tightness of his voice.
Nagisa left without even having changed into his jogging clothes; he hadn't the energy to do anything other than trudge the darkened, wet streets, dragging his feet along the pavement. He'd even committed what he considered a cardinal sin of fashion - sneakers and jeans - but he couldn't bring himself to care. He just hoped that there was a way to rectify the situation and he prayed that somehow, somewhere, he'd run into Rei again. Any sort of coincidence would do, just as they'd had in the beginning. He'd wait all day in the rain if he had to - he only wanted to apologize to Rei and go back to the love he'd felt before. He was sick of this conflict and if he had to face his demons head on, he would force his way through it, hard as it may be. He would wait for the brunet at the crossroads until he was good and ready to turn around and meet him there, so that they may proceed together.
Naturally, he elected to go where he'd last seen Rei, and found himself picking up speed as the thought entered his mind that he might miss his boyfriend's run around the park. He arrived panting at the bench beneath the naked oak, breathless and anxious as he took a seat upon the cold metal.
Nagisa waited for more than an hour but Rei never did show up. The more time that passed, the heavier his shoulders felt, and the farther down he leaned into himself until, in a mirror image of how he'd looked earlier, the blond fell into his own arms. He had been sitting like that for 10 minutes before the burning, odd stares forced him to pick up and leave. Ever lost, he wandered the park with blurry, glittering lashes, until an odd thought struck him like thunder. Perhaps he'd be one to hide under the all-encompassing branches of the tree, but Rei... He was another matter. Energy renewed by desperation, Nagisa turned tail and ran not towards the exit that led to his home, but veered off to the left to a painted bridge over a swirl of dark water.
Just as he'd assumed, the broken man leaned over the railing, handsome face obscured by his hands, not unlike Nagisa had been only a few minutes before. He slowed to a walk and, tentative as a butterfly, approached his partner. Unable to resist, the blond wrapped his arms around Rei's strong torso, burrowing his shameful face into the back of his coat instead of announcing his presence. He felt the attorney start out of his trance and for a minute, everything was still as the man decided whether or not to push him away. The writer's aching heart beat like a drum and, feeling this, the brunet covered Nagisa's hands with his own, rubbing the backs with his thumb.
"I'm so, so sorry, Rei," he choked out, tightening his grip as his chin dimpled with oncoming tears.
"Oh please don't cry, Nagisa," he replied breathlessly, moving his hands away and turning to face the smaller man. "I don't think I could stand seeing it," he confessed, pulling him into a proper embrace.
"But it's all my fault," he whined into Rei's coat, a cold trail of snot dripping onto the man's shirt. The attorney didn't even seem to mind how disgusting he was. He felt as though two stones were grinding against each other in his throat, but he forced himself to speak despite it. "I mean, like, sex is important to me and all, but we didn't even talk about it, so I shouldn't have expected any different. And it's just that - we had just started and I really, really don't want you to leave me!" he cried into Rei's chest, clinging to him for all that he was worth - which at this point, he assumed was next to nothing. "And I totally made a fool of myself, this is no way to start a long-term relationship and it's just like as soon as I say I want to be committed, I completely fuck it up by pushing you away! And to me, being a boyfriend, it like means that we work to fix this kind of thing, not just ignore it like I've been doing."
"Nagisa, darling, please calm down," Rei soothed, rocking him gently from one side to another. "It's all right, I've no intention to leave you. We'll fix this, I promise." The small blond hiccupped against his shirt, at last pulling away. The attorney wiped off his tears, gazing gently into his eyes. There was no revulsion at his puffy, tear-strewn face, at his horrible outfit, or his two-day old makeup, just deep concern and a sort of resolve behind it. He allowed himself a moment of admiration, but the lawyer straightened himself squeezed Nagisa's hand reassuringly, and efficiently stated, "Well, there's no time like the present. We ought to talk about it. You, erm... you said something about sex?" He nodded desperately, thankful for a starting point and ever-glad that his boyfriend was the type to get things done, unlike himself.
"You remember the Halloween party? How I was coming onto you? It was just that when you rejected me, I was so embarrassed and I was worried that you didn't find me - well, sexy . Or hot. That you didn't want me like I want you. I just let my wounded ego get in the way and I started talking less and less to you and you seemed like you liked it that way, with me being quiet and I just channeled all my humiliation into being angry at you," he confessed, ashamed of his petulant actions, and feeling younger than ever he had before in Rei's presence. He was so immature, it was a wonder someone as together as the brunet even liked him.
His boyfriend sighed, rubbing his hand between Nagisa's shoulder blades, and replied, "I honestly feel like a prize idiot, hearing that. I knew something was wrong, but I just didn't ask about it. I thought you wanted to be left alone because that's what I like. I was treating you like me, but you aren't like me at all, and that's why I lo - like you." Though Nagisa felt his heart flush, he didn't pursue the correction, perhaps out of consideration for Rei. He was well aware of what he almost said, but the blond knew that he didn't really act on his emotions immediately and he'd promised himself that he'd wait for Rei. His first instinct may have been disappointment, he couldn't help but feel a wave of relief. He honestly wasn't sure what he'd say back if he'd received a confession.
"Anyways," Nagisa continued, letting the hiccup in speech pass, "what do you think about sex? I get a little... hot and bothered around you. Do you even find me attractive?" he prodded, looking earnestly into Rei's eyes. The man colored rose, glancing away and muttering,
"Of course I do, you're beautiful. It's just -" and he cut himself off. Nagisa opened his mouth slightly, leaning in with a curious, begging look on his plump lips, and forced Rei to meet his eye.
"What?" he whispered sweetly, the barest hint of intimacy in the rush of his voice. The brunet was enthralled for a moment, but ever gently pushed Nagisa off of him and stood straight.
"I'm not ready to talk about it," he confided awkwardly, turning away to face the muddy waters. For a moment, nothing but shock registered within the writer. But like the flood of water upon the grassy banks, anger and hurt washed through his veins.
"Are you kidding me?" he blurted furiously. The lawyer flinched away and groaned to himself. He pursued relentlessly. "I just poured all my heart out to you, you know. I just told you all of what I've been feeling these past few weeks with no hesitations or reservations. I confessed to acting like a bitchy little kid, and you won't even tell me why the hell you said no in the first place?" With each word, his voice grew slightly louder, slightly more frantic like high tide coming in. "Being an introvert is no excuse not to pull your weight in a relationship or own up to your mistakes."
"I know," Rei sighed, frustration tinging his voice, "you're absolutely right, but I just - I'm not ready to talk about it with you. I'm sorry." He smacked his forehead against the wood, and an audible thud sounded. Nagisa rolled his eyes.
"Whatever," he sighed, resting a hand against his temple and taking a deep breath. The anger gradually dissipated, and he leaned against the rail. "I forgive you - for now, I won't let it get in the way of us, okay? But make no mistake, you're gonna have to tell me about it eventually - I won't wait forever. I'm pissed and you definitely have quite a ways to go if you wanna make it up to me without actually telling me what the problem is." Rei sighed, perhaps out of relief for being let off the hook, and leaned in for a kiss, but was met with Nagisa's cheek - not exactly where he'd been aiming. He lingered a moment more, regretful, before pulling away.
"I'll make it up to you," he promised earnestly. "Thank you." The blonde crossed his arms, but offered a small grin.
"Don't mention it." He was about to turn away and head home alone, but just as desperate and wanting as the blond had been, Rei reached out for his hand and cried,
"Wait!" The writer glanced back, his small and tender hand still in the brunet's. "Please... Won't you walk with me? I don't want you to go yet." And, as soft and warm as the morning glory, he held Rei's hand tighter and they walked onward, leaving those lonesome weeks behind them.