The first few days on the Galactica were a blur for Rene. It had been a disappointment for many to find themselves back in the military vessels fleeing the enemy again. This was not the end result she had envisioned for her people, but the enemy had left them no choices. It was accurate to say they were all shocked, and almost everyone was grieving someone they lost.
Those days were filled with briefings and meetings as the warriors from Dilmun were integrated into the fleet and those of the Colonial fleet shuffled around to fill the duties on the light cruisers, the Zakar and the Shiva. One would think the fleet would feel overcrowded with the addition of over eight thousand people, but the extra vessels offered more room. Plus it didn't hurt that the majority of the added individuals were trained warriors in various skills needed as well as pilots able to defend the fleet. It was a change from the desperate flight from Caprica. They were not crowded together having to make do with corners and closets. Assigning the council chambers to Rene's family was generous of the commander. They were spacious, but they were still gray walls. It would take time to feel like she was at home and she wondered if she ever would. Each day was hard as it reminded her of how many more they had to go having traveled backwards on their course.
Rene felt like she was constantly holding her breath waiting for it all to finally be over. She tried to take Gage's advice, to give it time. As long as the family was together, that was all that mattered to her right now. The days went by fast on the battlestar and before she knew it a secton had passed. Adama had forgotten about the quarters she and Starbuck were sharing, and she hoped she would stay under his scanner range for now.
She wasn't that lucky. It was in the second secton when she was finally summoned to a meeting with Commander Adama and Colonel Gage. She thought the meeting was about those quarters, that she would have to give them up. She wasn't sure what she would do if she had to. She hadn't found the time to look into the sealing rules of the fleet. On Dilmun it was simple affair of filing a form, paying Dante, and then it was done. She had no idea how it was done in the fleet, but she was tempted to just be done with it to keep the quarters. It was the only place she felt safe, especially in the uncertainty of shifting of warriors and changing duties. She was not going back to barracks, and definitely not to the Zakar.
Her feeling of trepidation did not lessen as the summons was for the Commander's quarters. When she entered she saw that not only was the meeting with the Commander and Colonel Gage, but also Capt. Apollo and another warrior she did not recognize. The brass in the room brought her spine up straight and saluting. She took up parade rest in front of the Commander's desk. Her mind was quickly scanning her actions of the past secton or two for what she may have done wrong, but she couldn't seem to find any regulations she had violated or protocol she had ignored, other than the quarters of course. She was still a bit surly with her "sirs", something that had become a bit of a joke between her and Starbuck as he evaluated each one she uttered on a scale of one to ten. She'd gotten most below a five.
She didn't have long to wonder as the Commander took control of the meeting immediately. "Thank you for joining us, Lieutenant. I would like to introduce you to Chief Opposer Solon. He is here to witness the proceedings. We just wanted some information for the record about some of the events that occurred under Dante's Command."
She stiffened. It had become an unspoken agreement thus far with the Colonials, discussions of Dante were not going to happen. She was afraid that maybe that word had not been given to the Commander. She wanted to ask what he meant by events, what specifically did he care about, the abuse or the dealings with Cylons, but she knew from her past with Dante, it was best to stay silent until told when to answer, especially if this was a disciplinary meeting. No need to implicate one's self further. The fact that the Commander had to state she wasn't at fault, meant he was investigating for who was, and again, best she kept quiet. She nodded to the Opposer, and recited the mantra over and over again, admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof, shift blame.
"Colonel Gage has brought to our attention his impropriety regarding fraternization with you while you were stationed on Dilmun. I would like your statement for the records on the issue."
The words startled her and she rocked back on her heels for a moment. It was the last thing she expected to be called into the Commander's office for. She shot a glare to Gage wondering what briefings had he been having with the Commander?
The Commander drew her attention back to him, "You are not at fault, nor do we intend to level any charges against Colonel Gage at this time, but we do need your statement for the record."
She didn't hesitate as she knew how a pause could be interpreted as guilt. She followed the mantra. "Sir? I'm not sure I understand." Rene understood the words. What she didn't understand was why this was an issue, and why now? She quickly cast a glance to Gage, but his nod to her to go on was not the information she was looking for.
"Colonel Gage has indicated that he had an inappropriate relationship with you while on Dilmun. We would like your confirmation for the records and to address the issue."
"Issue sir?" She cast Gage an angry glare and she felt something inside her snap. A fire began to burn in her chest. It spread slowly to her neck and her face flushed.
"It's okay, Rene, tell them the truth," Gage said, almost fatherly in response to her glare.
"Truth is relative, sir," she quipped before she felt her jaw clench tightly in rage. In her head, she noted that Starbuck would rate that surly 'sir' a ten. She turned back to the Commander. "Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about. There was nothing inappropriate, sir."
The Commander's concerned and patient teacher tone the man used as he offered an explanation did not instill confidence in her, like it may other Warriors. "Lieutenant, per Colonial regulations, it is a violation of fraternization rules for a Colonel and a Lieutenant to have a…" at least the Commander had the courtesy to pause before stating what should have been between her and Gage, something in the past and something she thought had been mutual.
The Commander continued, "a sexual relationship. The Colonel has been forthcoming of some of the events that have occurred on Dilmun and chose to report his transgression and to put on record the details of the affair. We just need your corroboration for documentation. I want to reassure you that you are not on report as well. Based on the command structure you are blameless in this."
She ground her teeth and felt her lip curl in a snarl as she felt the anger blaze through her. What had happened between them had not been his idea. Gage was a decent man. In the three yahrens she had known the Colonel, she thought she may be the only one he had been with. He had been a married man with kids before the destruction. When she met him on the Zakar, he was a man deeply grieving the loss of his home and family. Rene figured that was the only reason Dante had been able to get away with so much, Gage had been paralyzed with despair and by the time he woke up, it was much too late to alter the course of Dante's discipline and abuse. Gage did what he could, but he was just one man against many.
It was Gage's decency that had drawn her to him. He was not only calm and predictable, he was kind and generous. It was not until they were on Dilmun before Rene had offered him some companionship after a particularly long and brutal day when she found Gage in the corner of the OC. He was a few drinks in to what would probably have been a blind drunk night had she not come along. He had declined at first, but a few more drinks later, she offered to walk him back to his quarters. He didn't exactly say yes, he didn't say no. It was Rene who had kissed him, reminded him that he was just a man with needs and desires. She understood and was offering, not something permanent, just something for now. She hadn't done it for personal gain. She had done it because he was a genuinely nice man who was lonely and hurting. She had been right in her evaluation of him. Even drunk he had been very gentle in bed. There was a point where he forgot to be a Colonel and he was just a man who was hurting and alone. He clung to her as he gave in to the passion. She knew he wasn't really clinging to her, but to a memory of a time before their world had been destroyed.
After the moment, when he came back to himself, he'd been embarrassed, something that Rene had never seen before. He held her as he apologized and told her all the reasons why this was wrong. She agreed to all of it, but still he held her and they fell asleep. She awoke with a sense of security.
Their times together had been few and far between, and Gage had always felt guilty, apologizing profusely and trying to retreat back into the fatherly role he felt was best with the difference in their ages and their ranks. She sought him out when she needed to feel safe. He let her find him because he needed to not be alone. The days after he would be more fatherly, giving her attention, but nothing anyone could suspect as more than Gage looking out for her. She knew it was all kinds of messed up and that a psychiatrist would diagnose it as classic daddy issues, but she didn't care. She looked for more times for them to be together, and had they stayed on Dilmun, she had hoped he would be the next man she'd be making a child with. She knew Gage well enough that if he was next, he would be the last. He would take her in finally and never let her go. It was that quality alone that made her want him even more. With Gage, she knew she would be safe and the other abuses would stop. He truly cared for her, or so she thought.
No, she was not blameless in this, but the fact she was standing here now having to answer for something that she thought had meant something to him, made her want to blame him.
Everyone in the room waited for her reply and the silence stretched out too long. She tried to cool the flush of her cheeks as she looked the Commander dead in the eye. "Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about. Nothing happened."
She heard Gage's admonishing, "Rene," but the Commander held up his hand to silence the Colonel.
"No one is at fault here. We know that per Commander Dante's command structure, many regulations were overlooked or outright changed. We are not suggesting any punishment or even a letter of reprimand. But Colonel Gage felt it best to set the record straight to help with any future issues or problems. He wanted to be forthcoming so we may understand better how to integrate the warriors from Dante's command."
Rene nodded, was thoughtful for a moment before she spoke again. "Sir, I understand what you are saying, but nothing happened." She spoke no more as the Commander gazed at her. She knew he could see her anger. There was no hiding it as she could feel it radiating off her, the heat of it palpable.
The Commander finally sighed, and said, "Regardless of your corroboration, the record will stand that…
Rene cut him off, speaking swiftly. "It is a false record and I would like to file charges against the Colonel for making a false report involving my name." She could hear Gage sigh off to her side, and she aimed an angry glare at him, hoping he knew when to shut the hades up.
"Lieutenant Rene," Adama called her name, but she didn't allow him to speak, turning to the Opposer.
"Is that how this is done, sir? Because his statements are false and I will follow whatever protocol and file whatever forms I must to make sure this never hits my record, nor his if possible."
Gage spoke before the Opposer could. "Rene, you don't have to protect me."
Rene shot him a look before turning back to the Commander. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"Yes, of course, Lieutenant." Adama cast her that fatherly gaze and she wanted to punch him. He had no idea what he was doing. Rene stood there, parade rest in the commander's office, and wanted to say so much. But she just looked at the floor, letting the three yahrens of hades play in her mind. There were few bright spots, and Gage had been one of them, but now she didn't know. Everything she thought had been real and good then, now seemed just more fracked up mong she'd have to wade through. If she had to answer for everyone she slept with, for Sagan's sake, everyone had outranked her at one point in time. She swallowed down the words she wanted to say.
It took the Commander prompting her before she finally looked up to answer. "For the record, sir, of all the things I had to do on the Zakar and on Dilmun, Colonel Gage was not one of them."
Adama pursed his lips, closed his eyes and nodded, opened them and addressed her formally. "Do you have anything else to offer on the matter, Lieutenant?"
"No, sir."
"So you are testifying for the record that no such relationship existed and no impropriety occurred?"
"That is correct, sir, nothing happened, and if Colonel Gage continues, I will file charges for a false statement, sir. I do have a reputation to protect, after all."
Adama nodded, started to say something, but the burning rage in her must have made him reconsider. "Thank you. You are free to go."
Rene saluted, first the Commander, and then turned to salute the Captain and finally the Colonel before she bolted from the room.
In the corridor, she found her feet heading for the flight deck. She needed in a viper, needed to fly, but the only officer that was going to let her launch was the one she wanted to get as far away from as possible. She paused and tried to think of where to go, what to do. Some part of her mind reminded her she had a shuttle run to fly, but that wasn't going to happen. Whatever had snapped inside her was spilling a toxic mixture of emotions. It was burning up her muscles making them weak. Her control was slipping. She was shaking. If she didn't find somewhere to go and soon, she was going to crack right here for everyone to see.
She debated just heading to the Life Center and asking for something, anything that would put her out, unconscious, unfeeling. But with her being pregnant, that was probably not an option. The OC wouldn't give her enough alcohol to get drunk. She wondered if she could find anyone with any substances that would numb this feeling. But most of them had used up what they had or had been cleaned out by the Colonials around them. Besides, she wasn't sure if there would be enough of anything to make this go away. That crushing reality that she'd have to face this stone cold sober started the tears coursing down her cheeks.
She decided to just disappear, to find herself lost in the maze of the battlestar, but then realized that once dinner arrived, someone would notice her gone. The family would worry and some part of her knew that was a bad thing. The kids were already under enough stress.
In an effort to gain control, she slowly lost what little she had and the sob bubbled up in her chest. She choked on it and her feet moved of their own accord to the only safe place she knew. In their quarters she knew she would be left alone, at least until Starbuck came off duty, and that was a lot of centaurs today. "Just a few centaurs, that's all I need," she thought and she ran for the room not far from where she was standing.
Blissfully it was empty. She pulled the cover off the bed feeling cold and needing the comfort of something around her. She didn't think of crawling into bed, no, she thought of the safest place there was, in the corner, the same wall as the door so maybe if someone came in, they wouldn't notice her at all. She wanted no one to see her as the walls crumbled and she dissolved into tears. Had it been so bad that he felt he had to report it, she wondered. Did he abuse her too, the one person she thought she had been safe with? She buried her head in her arms and rocked in pain.