"We need a tree," Liz announced the next morning after breakfast.
"Look out the front door. We got a million of them."
She grinned, knowing he was going to say that, and he didn't disappoint. "A Christmas tree! It would look so nice. Do you have lights?" She turned around and pointed to a corner of the living room. "We could put it right there."
"What part of 'we came here to escape Christmas' aren't you quite getting?"
"Actually, we came here to escape our lonely apartments," she corrected, with a brief look away, then gathered herself and smiled at him. "So what do you say?"
Her enthusiasm was infectious and he smiled. "I'll make you a deal. If you can find Christmas lights in the closet in your room, I'll cut you a tree."
"You are on!" she replied and marched off to her room.
He followed, standing in the doorway sipping on a second cup of coffee. "Mom kept boxes of stuff in there, and I know we spent Christmas here many times, so you might be in luck," he said as she unstacked some boxes. After a brief look in each one, most of which held board games, she gave a triumphant cry.
"Yes! Okay buster, if these lights still work, you better get your lumberjack gear on." He watched as she plugged them in and amazingly most of them still worked. After screwing in a few loose ones, she had a full string of large tree lights, plus an old tree stand and a box of ornaments. She beamed up at him. "My end of the deal is met!"
He'd known they were there all along, and had just wanted to see her find them. "Just call me Lumberjack Don," he said, smiling, and went to get his coat.
###
"It's so cold!" she said, shivering under her thick coat, hat, scarves and gloves. Walking in the cold morning air, they were looking between the cabin and the creek for just the right young tree.
"May I remind you that this was your idea?" he replied, walking beside her, towing a sled behind him, that held a small chainsaw for his tree cutting. "Me, I mean, I was happy just-"
"Oh, hush!" she laughed, swatting his arm. "You're enjoying this as much as I am, admit it!"
He laughed in reply. She had him there. "What about that one?" he said, slowing and pointing to his left at a small pine tree about 6 foot tall.
She inspected it from all angles. "It's got a missing bit here at the back. Let's keep looking!"
"Okay, ma'am. One tree without missing half its ass coming up."
She laughed, despite the cold and her red cheeks, and they kept looking. They found the perfect tree a few minutes later down by the creek. A cool wind swept over them as Ressler fired up his chainsaw (he'd been amazed the gas in it still worked when he'd retrieved it from the small shed.) As he cut into the small trunk, about 4 inches thick, the small tree swayed then gave way.
"Timber!" Liz yelled, which was rather overkill for the small size of the tree.
She stood back as he dragged it onto the sled, its branches overhanging, but it fit well and saved him having to drag the tree itself back and losing branches on it. Hooking the two straps around his shoulders he towed the laden sled back to the cabin while Liz carried the small chainsaw.
When they arrived back, they worked the tree stand onto the trunk of the tree, then Ressler carried it inside, depositing it in the corner Liz had chosen.
"Your tree, ma'am," he said, standing back and surveying his handiwork.
"It's perfect!" she said, then set about putting the string of lights on it.
Helping her wrap the lights around the tree, he felt good inside. He smiled at her as they finished draping the lights, then let her finish putting the ornaments on. He was never good at that part. His mother usually, secretly or not so secretly, rearranged the ornaments after he and his brother had haphazardly put them on the tree in years gone by.
"Oh, my gosh, look at this one!" Liz held up a flat cardboard ornament with child's writing on it. "You wrote this?"
He took it from her. He had written it long ago in his childhood. A cardboard circle with glitter glued to it, and he'd written on it 'Christmas 1986 – My wish is a puppy – Donnie'.
"Did you ever get a puppy?" she asked, and he nodded.
"Yeah, we got a dog shortly after that. It was an idiot and never did anything we told it to," he said, as she broke out laughing. "But we adored him."
She found another similar ornament, this one with the words 'Christmas 1986 – My wish is a BB gun – Peter'.
Ressler looked at it before Liz put it on the tree. "Yeah, apparently my brother should have been the cop."
Liz laughed anew then stood back admiring the tree. It filled the corner of the cabin with coloured lights and ornaments, and the soft pine smell was already in the air.
"It's perfect!" she said, "Thank you!"
Ressler grinned at her, once again pleased that he'd asked her to come. Neither of them would have bothered with a tree in their apartments. Yet here, together, it was welcome.
###
That evening, Ressler was cooking dinner, a task Liz had willingly relinquished to him, while she went to wash up. With it almost ready to serve, he called out to her, "It's almost ready."
She came from her bedroom holding her phone. Her eyes were downcast.
"Liz?" he put the pot down that he was holding, and touched her arm. "What is it?"
Her tear filled eyes looked up at him, ready to spill over. "I missed it when it came in. It was while we were getting the tree and I just checked my phone."
"What did you miss?" he asked.
"This," she said, and played a video that had been sent to her. She held the phone while they both watched, and there was Scottie with Agnes, and the child was on Scottie's knee while someone filmed them.
"Say hi to mommie!" Scottie prompted, and Agnes swiveled on her lap to look at Scottie. "Hi mama!"
"Not me, silly, say hi to mommy," Scottie prompted and pointed to the camera.
Shyly, Agnes leaned back against Scottie, then buried her head in the woman. "Mommy," she said. Scottie gently turned her, and prompted Agnes again, who said "Hi mama," and encouraged with a wave from Scottie, Agnes then waved before turning back into the woman. "Mama," Agnes said again and kissed Scottie's cheek.
"You munchkin," Scottie said, hugging the little girl. "Tell mommy Merry Christmas."
Again Agnes looked up at Scottie, then at the camera and said 'Mewwy Cwismas, mama,' before she turned back into Scottie, and hugged the woman. "Mama."
Scottie looked at the camera, cradling the child. "Hello, Elizabeth, we just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas from France. Take care and we love you!" The video then ended with a black screen.
Ressler's eyes met Liz's as her tears overflowed. "She doesn't even know who her mother is anymore! What have I done?"
Taking the phone gently from her hands, Ressler wrapped his arms around her as she fell into his chest, sobbing.
"I'm sorry, Liz," he whispered, and rubbed her back. She shook against him as she cried, and her arms wrapped around his middle.
"Me too," she sobbed, "What was… what was I thinking?"
"You did what was right for you and Agnes at the time, Liz,' he offered.
"Was it?" she pulled back and looked up at him, tears streaming. "I don't know what's right any more."
His hands still on her, he rubbed her arms. "It will all work out," he said, unsure what to say that would help. How could it possibly work out with her separated from her child like this?
"Will it? I don't know." She pulled away from him, and looked at her phone again, as he fervently hoped she wouldn't press Play again.
"I just don't know anymore what's right for me or her." Her fingers brushed the tears from her cheeks and she stood at a loss in the kitchen.
"I know," he said, and gave her a small smile, rubbing her arms again before he reluctantly dropped them from her. "Look, uh, why don't you go freshen up, and I'll get our dinner on the table, okay?"
She nodded, sniffed hard, then headed for the bathroom. He watched her walk away, wondering why Scottie would have sent that. Had the woman really not understood how much that would have hurt Liz? He figured that with small children, there was no telling what they'd do with a camera on them, but still. Sighing heavily, he served up two plates of food, then set them on the table with two glasses of wine and waited for her.
Her face freshly washed, she came out a few minutes later and sat down at the table across from him.
"I'm sorry," she said, reaching across and touching his hand. "I just..."
"Don't be sorry. This is hard, and I understand that." He turned his hand to hold hers a moment, then in mutual agreement, they let go.
She reached for her wine and raised it to him. "To friendship, and those we are apart from," she said quietly, and he could have hugged her again at the pain behind her eyes as he raised his own glass.
###
The mood in the cabin had done a complete 180. Ressler, never one to make small talk had sat and listened to her talk about Agnes, and the decisions she'd made regarding her daughter, trying to offer support as best he could. She'd played the video again, he'd heard it when she went to the bathroom, and could see the redness from fresh tears in her eyes on her return.
"I think I'm going to turn in," she said, an hour after she had barely picked at her dinner. "If that's okay?"
"Of course. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day, huh?" he said, and she gave him a wan smile.
"I hope so too. Goodnight, Ress, and thank you," she said.
He didn't need to ask what she was thanking him for. It's what friends did. As she left for her room, Ressler sat alone on the couch, as his eyes drifted to the tree. The lights were still the same. The ornaments just as sparkling in the firelight, yet it no longer gave the room the same warm glow that it had earlier.
After trying to watch an old movie, he conceded defeat and finally shut if off. He padded along the hallway to the bathroom, then to his room. He paused outside Liz's door, hesitant, hand raised ready to knock after he'd heard a soft sniffle from inside. Head down, he then turned and went to his room, quietly shutting the door.
###
He wasn't sure how long it took him to fall asleep, but he was sure he hadn't been asleep long – the clock said 12:32am – when his door opened. Lit in the soft moonlight coming through the open curtains, wordlessly, Liz came slowly into his room. He stared at her, unsure what to say.
She knew he was awake. His eyes caught in the soft light of the moon. "Ress," she whispered, her voice slightly nasally with shed tears. "I just don't want to be alone..."
His heart lurched in his chest. "Okay..." he whispered back, as if to speak too loud would break the air between them.
"I just want to... lay beside you. Is that… is that okay?"she asked, stopping halfway across the room, then sniffed through tears.
Trying to calm himself, he rose up to one elbow and pulled the blankets down from the pillow beside him. He didn't trust himself to speak, but let her know she was welcome. He was glad of the darkness that hid most of his features. His heart pounded in his chest, and he was sure she could hear it.
"Thank you," she whispered, and in her tiny shorts and t-shirt, she slid into the other side of the bed. She didn't move close to him, but lay on her side facing him as she pulled the blankets over her shoulders.
He didn't know if she wanted or needed to talk, or more to the point, if she wanted to come closer. Unsure if he trusted his body to behave if she did that, he breathed a sigh of relief when she again whispered her thanks in the dark and stayed out of arm's reach. Emotions running a mile a minute through him, slowly, he lay down on his back again, his head turned to look at her closed eyes.
"Are you okay with this?" she asked, opening her eyes to him again.
"Uh, huh, yeah..." he said, wishing like hell he could actually sound like he was okay with this. Because he was. He was more than okay, just surprised and worried his body would betray him. "Yes," he said, finally regaining some control. "It's okay, Liz."
"Thank you, Ress," she whispered, sniffed again, then stretched and settled in and closed her eyes again. She didn't touch him, as if understanding his dilemma regarding that.
And this time, it took even longer for Ressler to fall asleep, watching his sleeping partner beside him in the dim light of the moon.