Starbuck led her off to decon and tried to keep his composure, but knew he wasn't succeeding when Rene pulled him into a unit with the capacity for two pilots. The door closed and the cycle began. He drew in a ragged breath as he closed his eyes, slumping against the wall, as he tried to remember Caprica in her glory, instead of what it looked like now. During the chaos of the Destruction and their ensuing escape from the Cylons, there hadn't been time to dwell on the devastation. Now, he realized, that was probably a good thing.
Rene squeezed his hand as she asked softly, "Starbuck? What's wrong? Did I really screw up here? I never should have taken you to Caprica."
Starbuck tried to get a deep breath in as he opened his eyes. "No, I needed to see it. I just…I haven't thought this out I guess. Everyone's right, I just rush in and don't think about what tomorrow brings." He sighed, trying to lighten the mood. "Sometimes 'tomorrow' has a way of punching you in the guts, you know?"
Rene's eyes clouded over and her brow furrowed realizing he was talking about more than just a mission or a patrol.
"Tomorrow brings what it brings." The words sounded far too trite to Starbuck, and he recognized them as a line he had uttered far too many times to women who wanted to know if they could expect to see him again after a night together. The words made him angry, mostly at himself.
"Maybe I want to know what it brings. Maybe I want to have some plans that I know could happen. Things are too damn unpredictable with you, Rene. Other girls might tell a guy that a senior officer is an old boyfriend…" She looked at him curiously, but he wasn't going to bring up Cain and Cassiopeia. " You…you just suck me through a wormhole and drop me in my old backyard, only the Cylons have chewed it up and spit out again."
The words weren't meant to hurt, but Rene winced anyway. "I don't control the future, Starbuck. I just can jump to places. That's it. And I swear to you, I am not jumping anywhere without you ever again."
"So you say, Rene, but the fact remains that you did, and you could have gone anywhere you wanted. You could have been stuck there or…"
She gripped his hand tight, pulled him a step closer. "But I didn't! I'm with you right now, right here! Look, I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner, I get that." She sighed and reached up to touch his face. "Starbuck, I love you. I promise to show it better and do what you ask, alright?"
"This isn't about you doing as I ask, Rene," he replied in frustration. "It's about me being able to trust you. It's about you letting me in. It's about you and I actually building a relationship that can survive despite how insane our lives are." He pulled her close to him. "It's about knowing that no matter what else goes wrong in our lives, that we'll always be able to depend on each other. We're the only solid thing in a universe full of crazy unpredictability. That's what I really want. That's what this is about, Rene."
She searched his features for a long moment, as if trying to comprehend if that was even possible. Admittedly, nothing had been solid or sure in her life. Ever.
"If I go anywhere you'll know and you'll be there with me, alright?"
He tried to believe her, but the recent scenes of Caprica and the fact she had seemed far too comfortable in that landscape had him shaking his head.
"Okay, I hear you. I do. I'm not going anywhere without you."
He closed his eyes again, suddenly unable to look at her, not knowing if she was just saying what he wanted to hear or was outright lying to him. They were still a long way from what he wanted in this relationship. Then again, maybe that kind of relationship was meant more for the Apollo's of the universe, than the Starbucks. He drew another deep breath hoping to clear the putrid air of Caprica from his lungs. He opened his eyes and looked hard at the young woman before him, trying to see her objectively.
"Will you tell me about the voices?" he asked.
He watched her jaw tighten as her eyes darted to the side.
"No lies, Rene," he added.
She took a gulp of air. "The dreams, they talk to me and sometimes when I'm awake, but mostly in my sleep. I dream things that never happened to me and I …" She hesitated. He squeezed her hand to encourage her to go on. She shrugged and continued. "I dream and they're not my dreams. Things I never saw. I thought, you know, they're just dreams, right? But then on the Zakar with the Doc, Gage saw what I drew and one of them is his. I don't think they're all mine."
She looked up to meet his gaze, still pleading, "One I think is yours. I'll show you. You're in a viper and the Galactica is leaving you."
Starbuck stiffened. "Me and the rest of Red Squadron. I never told you about that."
"I know. Like I said, they're not my dreams. And they all say to go back to Caprica." Rene rolled her eyes at the metal walls around them. "They also say to get the hades out of a ship and raise my kids on a planet, but I'm trying to ignore those ones as I think that's just me, my subconscious, you know?"
"Your doctor knows?" The question earned him a sweet smile.
"You worry too much. Yeah, he knows. Medication adjusted, doesn't stop it. He knows that too. I promised you I'd get better. I'm trying." Her words pulled him back from the gulf between them he was leaping into. "Starbuck? I mean it. I am not going anywhere again without you. You grounded me, remember?"
Her eyes pleaded with him, but he didn't know if he could give her what she was looking for. The decon cycle finished, and he pushed the button for another round. They weren't done here, not yet.
Rene sighed heavily at the motion and she read his thoughts. "Do you know how I knew your patrol schedule so well? Lara has it memorized. She sneaks your datapad and she has your whole duty roster mapped out. She could even tell you who might need to back out of what patrol and when, and for what reason. She's timed how long you are gone. You aren't here, you don't see it, but she paces in front of the view port. She's convinced she knows which viper out there is yours. Jason only goes to you now for questions about anything and everything. You know Leia won't go to sleep for anyone but you. When you are gone, it's hades around her. We need you."
He let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. He shook his head, but all he could find to say was her name.
"Starbuck, I need you. I can take us somewhere safer. The kids could grow up with sunshine and plenty of room to roam. There's any number of worlds we could call home. We could begin again and make it better. We could go together."
The idea had not crossed his mind and he found himself squeezing her hand hard as if he could keep her tethered here to the fleet with that one gesture. For some reason, he realized that if she went off into that anomaly of hers to find a world to call home, she would go without him.
She stepped even closer to him at the grip he had on her hand, wiggling her fingers a little at the pressure. "Starbuck, they're not just words. Where you go, I go. I know the fleet needs you. I won't go without you."
The words didn't reassure him like they should. She'd been flying a viper for over a dozen flights without him. She was damn resourceful, he had to give her that. She could go any time she wanted. He let go of her hand, understanding for the first time what people really meant by the term cold feet. It wasn't just that he could back out of this, but also that she could as well. What was truly holding them together was tenuous and fragile. She threatened to cancel the sealing nearly every other day. Would she just fly away at the next fight they had? And what would happen after the baby was born? Would he stop her? He hadn't thought about his child being raised in the confines of the Galactica. Much like her, he realized he had pictured them being planetside, a sun shining upon his son or daughter's face, soil beneath their feet.
"You okay?" she asked again.
He nodded, tried to wrap his brain around the events of the day and what they had planned that evening. "If we do this, we do it together. No surprises. We have a plan and you follow it, you understand? This isn't fun and games, Rene."
"Yes, sir, Strike Wing, sir, as you order. I swear."
"Don't," he said softly. "Don't just say it, do it. I couldn't take it if you left me. Humor me for a while so I feel like I'm doing the right thing here, alright?"
She smiled up at him and he tried to smile back, but when he looked in her blue eyes, he saw the cloudy fouled bay of Caprica.
When the decon cycle ended, she took his hand leading him down the corridor. She did humor him, and Starbuck wondered if that's what it took to get Rene to follow an order or request, let her scare the pogees out of you. Starbuck knew he was pushing his luck today when he found it was Cassiopeia on duty. He wouldn't have to lie to her and he didn't mind telling Cassie that someone had let Rene fly a viper.
Cassie just quirked an eyebrow and performed the scan while informing Starbuck that pregnant women weren't delicate little flowers and that Rene could perform many of her normal duties up until the third trimester. Starbuck nodded to all of it, staying just as quiet as Rene until the scan was done. Cassiopeia decided since they were there and she had an appointment in a secton she'd go ahead and run the blood work now. That also came back just fine, but Starbuck didn't feel reassured until he saw the image of the baby on the monitor, the little heart beating steadily.
"Do you want to know the sex? We can probably see that now," Cassie said.
Rene spoke before he could, a very emphatic no, so loud it made Cassie jump. Starbuck knew that he should explain to Cassie, knowing it might help the medtech to understand Rene's trepidation when it came to the Life Center. Instead he reached for Rene's hand, giving it the soft two squeezes, now their code for letting her know it was safe to give out information, before he asked. "How many did Dante make you get rid of because they weren't boys?"
She squeezed his hand back as she locked her eyes onto the image on the monitor. "Two."
Cassie shared a look with Starbuck before she asked softly, "Your medical records are not consistent with the scans I have. How many times have you been pregnant in the last five yahrens?"
"Counting this one? Seven I think."
It was Starbuck that asked about the inconsistency in the answer. "You lost only one from flying a viper, or was it two?"
"Just one. One was," she hesitated, then chose her words, "I was in a fight. I lost. I might have been pregnant when the destruction came, I don't know, just know I bled a lot after the sewers but that could be for a lot of reasons. The radium was pretty high."
Starbuck didn't ask anymore, and Cassie finished up the scans letting them both know everything was looking good and progressing the way it should. Rene's heart rate was up, but Starbuck knew why, and it wasn't abnormally high.
He waited until they were out in the corridor before he put an arm around Rene and slowly drew her in. He just held her for a micron or two before she spoke.
"I don't want your pity, Starbuck. I'm glad I have my kids, but they weren't my choice. This one is. I'm not going to do anything that would hurt it, I swear."
He replied softly, "I know." He held on for a micron more before slowly pulling away. "We have a dinner to make and a sealing to get to. I suppose soon we should start picking out some names."
She kept hold of his hand as they headed off to the Council Chambers explaining how the list process worked, that they would not be picking out their child's name, but they gave the honor to whomever they chose to be top of the list of those who would take care of their child in the event that someday they should not return.
Starbuck hadn't put much thought into that, with the baby just an image on the screen and a growing Rene who needed to gain some weight as she was far too thin. But his own childhood let him know how important that list might be. How much easier his life would have been had there been someone who knew to look for him after the attack on Umbra, some friend or family who would have cared enough to find him. He'd spent his whole life hoping that each knock on the door of the orphanage, each couple coming by to adopt a child would be the one who had been looking just for him. As an adult, he now realized that probably his parent's friends and family had all perished at Umbra. There had been no one to claim him because they were all gone.
Starbuck wasn't sure who he should pick to be top of that list. His first instinct was to pick Apollo as the two had been friends for yahrens, but he also realized his child would be born with brothers and sisters and he didn't want the family separated. If he and Rene were gone, the kids would need each other. That would mean Jake or Crius should be top of the list to keep with what had already been established.
"How many do I need to pick?" Starbuck wondered as he realized how intertwined the family was. "We really should stop flying with each other, shouldn't we?"
Rene sighed. "Yeah, but that's not going to work either. We just have to hope you're right, that we are safer here in the fleet. Or…?" She left it unspoken that they could be somewhere other than the fleet.
How long could he keep the coordinates for Earth from Rene? A more distressing thought though was, should he? Rene was right, at Caprica they were just a blip on the radar. Could the two of them be doing recon of earth? Should they?
Starbuck shook his head. Today had already held more surprises than he could handle, and he still had a dinner and sealing to get through. "Oh, hey, are we still doing this tonight?"
Rene looked at him puzzled, and then smiled. "Only if you want to. If you'd rather wait and have the IFB film it, I suppose we could plan it after you win the triad tourney and they pin the gold clusters on you for rescuing everyone from Caprica."
"If I get any more gold clusters, you'll have to help hold me up for the sealing. I think we'd better stick with tonight."