She lay there listening to the wind rustle the grass around them and tried to envision the old Caprica sky instead of the one above. She attempted to suppress the shivers from the cold because once they started, she knew Starbuck would insist they head back. Maybe she could convince him that they could just gather up their clothes and remain out under the sky. It was an interesting sky that was getting redder as the sun set. She could smell smoke and wondered if she had burnt down what was left of Caprica city. Some small part of her brain reminded her that would mean the air around them was even more toxic than before, another reason to go underground, but she needed this. She felt more alive with the skin to skin contact. Plus, Starbuck wasn't making any motion to move away. His arms around her made her feel safe even from the unseen chemicals in the air that he had no way to stop.
She suspected neither of them wanted to be back in those dark confines despite the warmth it might offer as she felt Starbuck tense and pull her closer, whether for warmth or to protect her, and she huddled in even closer to him if that was possible and looked to the sky. The vivid colors were captivating, that is until you remembered that the unnatural reds and vivid oranges tinged with green didn't belong in the skies over Caprica.
A gust of wind rustled the trees and Starbuck lost the battle to the cold. A tremor rippled across his shoulders shaking the arms that held her. Instead of suggesting they go back to join the others, she pulled him closer, nestling them both deeper into the earth. She wasn't sure if she heard him at first above the rustling of the tall dry grass that shrouded them when he whispered in her ear, "What are you afraid of?"
"Nothing," she quickly shushed him, "nothing, it's just the wind."
He drew his gaze away from the storm that was gathering, fixing his eyes that were the color of a natural sky, upon hers. "This mission, the one where we save those kids, what are you afraid of? Seriously. Don't lie."
As he rolled his body over her to protect her from the rising wind, she couldn't deny his request for the truth. "Losing you. Losing anyone."
He nodded solemnly but had that look in his eye he would get when he thought she was just placating him. "We volunteered for this and I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen."
She tried to suppress the eye roll, but his flip arrogance annoyed her sometimes. He ignored her bristling and spoke again, his words blurring into the rustling of the grass. "I wouldn't blame you had Boomer died. He chose to come here of his own free will. I would still love you."
She trembled as he accurately targeted the heart of the problem, a true marksman when it came to guessing other people's emotions. She looked away, pretending to be interested in the clouds before she gave him the truth he sought. "But you should blame me. It's my fault. I brought us all here. If you or Boomer or Apollo died, just like Ari's death, it would be my fault."
He let the words fade in the wind and her eyes evaded his for a heartbeat, maybe two, before he commanded, "Look at me."
She continued to look at the sky. She didn't want to be pitied, and definitely could not take the intense emotion from Starbuck right now. It made her angry to feel that weak and she knew he needed her to be strong. He waited patiently, the silence compounding the weight of the guilt that had settled into her bones since leaving Dilmun. She slowly slid her eyes from the sky to meet his gaze again and let out the breath she'd been holding. There was no sympathy in his reflection. Instead he gazed at her as if she were a viper circuit board or a hand of cards. He seemed to be trying to make a decision, calculating the odds as he nodded slowly.
He measured his words as he spoke. "We all volunteered to come for our various reasons. You didn't make us. I have my own reasons for being here. Even," he paused, seeming to weigh what he was about to say, "even Jake didn't come just because you said 'let's go.' As for Ari, you didn't place those explosives. Dante did."
She swallowed hard willing her eyes not to water. It was what she needed to hear, but Starbuck was good at saying what others wanted him to. But this was not Starbuck playing a game with her as his eyes were serious and hard as ice. She found it hard to look at him, as if staring into the sun. This side of Starbuck was one she didn't see often. She knew it existed, but like certain corridors on the Galactica where the officer's resided, she tried to avoid it unless necessary.
His gaze was more probing than the red eye of a centurion, and he came to some decision from his scan of her, nodding again before he spoke. "You've told me about the destruction, your capture and Dante's rescue. I'm pretty sure I know what makes you wake up screaming and it's not your own death or even the death of your friends. When you talk about that day when Dante showed up and rescued you, you always mention the people you walked over to be here, the ones who were left behind."
The image jolted into her mind of the shuttle outside the fence, Dante on top pointing like the hand of the gods. The screams and laser fire around her filled her ears, and then the weight and feel of the baby shoved into her arms, its mother begging her to take the child with her. Was it a boy or a girl? Where had it come from? How did a baby last that long when so many others that were stronger had died? She didn't hold the child long enough to find out any answers.
In her dreams, it is the dropping of the child that wakes her as the weight falls from her arms. How could Starbuck know? She must have told him about it one of those nights in the dark, alone and safe in their quarters. Starbuck was good at reading people, but could he be that good?
His eyes were still locked on her and she was confused. Was this Starbuck's idea of a motivational speech, using her own words to remind her why she volunteered to be here in this moment? He was wrong. She had talked them all into being here, especially Starbuck. That thought made her realize she had no choice but to follow his lead on this. She owed him that much for getting them all stuck on this dying rock. She took a deep breath and pulled from that well of strength that Dante taught her she had, nodding her understanding. "I know. I've agreed. We're doing this."
Starbuck nodded back, but she could still see something resembling indecision in his eyes. Some war waged behind that icy wall of his, but only for a moment. He nodded again resolutely before he spoke.
"I've never told you about the battle of Scimtar."
It was a fact and she hadn't pushed to hear his story about the destruction. It was partly because when the topic did come up, he evaded with faded phrases like, "It was bad" or "We lost a lot of good people." The most specific detail he would give was that Zac died first, a proclamation that killed any desire to learn more.
She narrowed her eyes and wondered just who she was talking to. While the blond hair ruffled by the wind looked familiar, there was no hint of the jokester and the gambler in that face. She didn't recognize this man with sorrow in his features. She wanted to reach up and wipe his face away, to scream at it to bring her Starbuck back. Instead she spoke softly, "No, you haven't told me."
He nodded again as he sucked in a deep breath. "It was bad." He winced at his own old phrase and she nearly sighed in relief as Starbuck became himself again. His voice changed to the one he used when instructing, but at least she knew that voice.
"When we first launched, hades, we thought it was just a drill, showing off for the council and the cylons. But we launched into a solid wall of raiders. I have never seen so many in my lifetime and we kept looking for baseships, but they weren't there. We got our shots in. There was some precision shooting going on and I quadrupled my kills that day. To be honest, at first it was hard to miss until we mixed it up. But It didn't take long to realize we were losing and it was happening fast. You didn't even have time to acknowledge who went down or where your wingman was. The Galactica launched vipers first and many of the other battlestars weren't able to get pilots in the air. Everyone was depending on us and we were being slaughtered."
The wind hissed through the grass and Starbuck cocked his head as if he heard something. Rene could hear it too, the voices that were there in the earpiece of your helmet and then were suddenly gone, a hiss of the com and then a snap as it closed. She watched Starbuck shake off the sensation choosing to ignore the ghostly voices before turning back to her.
"There were just too many of them and too many ships to try to protect. It was my friends that were dying around me. Too soon it was every pilot for himself and when the Atlantia just disintegrated before our eyes, it was pretty obvious it was going to be a massacre."
He shuddered again, this time she doubted it was from the cold.
"It was a Battlestar for Sagan's sake, the flagship of the fleet, and it was just gone in a blinding flash. But you just kind of take that in and you keep flying, keep fighting. You don't think, you do what you were trained to do. We all know the odds for a pilot and we fly anyway so yeah, anytime is a good time to die, but…" He took a breath and swallowed as if even he was so full of all those glib phrases that he was going to be sick. He closed his eyes for just a moment before opening them again and locking his gaze with hers. "But then we noticed the Galactica was leaving. I reasoned it had to be for a good reason, but she just took off and left us there, no recall orders, no nothing. Just your home base disappearing in the distance leaving you out there alone to die. The other battlestars started to go up one by one, and I figured the old man pulled the Galactica out of the battle to save her, but he didn't tell us that. He just flew her away. My base, my home, my supposedly safe haven just buggered off."
The anguish rose up like a dark blue wave in his eyes. She shuddered as it crashed over him and she found herself shushing him like he was a child.
"We flew as long as we could. We tried to save the other ships, but there were just too many of them and our fuel began to run out. We had nowhere to go, not with the Galactica gone and the other Battlestars in flames, breaking up around us. Those of us who had survived that long, we were left with a bad choice. If we survived, we could stay and fight until our engines died from lack of fuel, waiting to be picked off like Piscons in a barrel, or else we could head for somewhere to find some fuel and then try to get back into the battle. We had no idea who outranked who anymore, and it didn't matter. That left everyone to make the choice for themselves. I didn't think I'd find the Galactica, I was just looking for more fuel. So like the Galactica, I pulled out of the battle, left some good friends behind. I didn't even know if I would find what I was looking for. I decided to take the gamble on living at least a little bit longer because staying was a certain death. I felt like a coward but there was no way to go on, so I headed for home."
His eyes grew distant with the memory. "It is the worst moment of my life. I am afraid nothing will ever compare to it. I could lose Apollo, Boomer, hades I could lose you and our baby and I don't think it will ever be bad as that moment, realizing your ship is just leaving you to die, not knowing if you will see her again, and then having to leave all your friends behind."
He gripped her tighter as he shuddered again and she wondered if he would go on. When he did, his voice was calmer.
"I got lucky and picked up her signal, told my squadron where she was, and turned for home. I didn't know if I would make it, it was that bad. No fuel, control panel sparking, no real way to land, but I made it to the Galactica. That was all that seemed to matter at the time, making it. I heard later that many pulled out of the battle when they saw me leave and I'm not proud of that, but I had no choice. I was more in the way in the condition my viper was in. I had hoped to grab another viper and get back out in the action. I came in hot, my controls fried, no landing gear and throttle stuck open, nothing I could do. I was convinced I was going to just be a smear on the back wall of the flight deck, but for Frack's sake, I was going to die on the Galactica, not abandoned in space. I made it and as soon as my boots hit the deck, and there were no more vipers for me to take. So, I headed for the bridge to give the Commander a piece of my mind. It wasn't until I got there that I realized we had really lost. Everything. It wasn't personal. Adama had to abandon everyone to save what he could."
He broke eye contact, shrugging before speeding forward with the details. "I went a little nuts, asked Athena to seal with me. She turned me down flat with some lame excuse of not wanting to lose anyone else, which made no sense since that's what she was doing, losing me. Yeah, it hurt at the time but," he sighed and brought his eyes back to hers. "Still didn't hurt as bad as watching the Galactica fly away."
She thought she understood the point of his story, another pep talk to help her to understand why they couldn't just leave those kids behind, but Starbuck wasn't done.
"It was bad, but Apollo had it worse. I don't mean losing his brother or his mother. He actually went down to Caprica and saw first-hand the devastation, talked with some of the survivors. And he had to climb back in his viper and leave them to their fate."
Starbuck broke from his reverie, giving her another icy look. "That's what Apollo's afraid of, his own sense of failure at having been unable to warn the fleet in time so that they could save more people. Me? It's that I left. I could have stayed and helped try to win the battle, or at least for Sagan's sake died with my buddies, the real heroes. They earned the gold clusters, but I'm the one alive wearing them. But what I'm really afraid of is the day I can't live with what I did. I abandoned the battle, turned tail and ran, decided to try to stay alive a bit longer, but it's not just that…"
He drew a ragged breath and she knew what he was trying to say. "It's okay, Starbuck, I get it."
His shout shocked her, "NO you don't get it! I'm afraid of the fact that I wanted to live and someday I'm going to realize that I wasn't worth this life. As a warrior, my life has a purpose. I know what I'm supposed to do and how to do it. I know I'm supposed to lay down my life for others. I had no family to lose. My fellow warriors, they are my family. I was fed that from the time I was a kid and I believe it, I truly do. I was kept alive, fed, educated for one purpose, to serve the state and make sure everyone else stays alive but me. I can die and it is what I am destined to do. But when the Galactica abandoned me, all of us, I just thought of myself. I wanted to live and I know there's nothing wrong in that, I wasn't supposed to just sacrifice my life for no reason. I'm not suicidal. I'm worth more than that. But Rene, I can't leave anyone else behind, not again."
She nodded several times quickly even though his words were confusing, but she understood clearly what kind of man Starbuck was. It was why she followed nearly every idea he had, even the crazy sealing ceremony. "I know. I know we have to do this. I know you can't just walk away from the fact that those are kids that are captured."
He gripped her hard, his fingers digging into her arms. "Do you? Because that's not what I'm trying to say. I'm afraid that I am going to abandon you to do this. I can't leave them behind and you are going to have to decide on your own whose life is more important. I want you to decide your life is worth living!"
"What?" She thought she understood that Starbuck needed her to do this, to follow him and not Jake's plan to go into town for a raider, but now after having talked her out of that plan, he was suddenly all for it. "I…I don't understand."
Compassion flooded his eyes. "I am afraid that I want you to abandon me, your friends, everyone if you have to. If things get rough, if the plan goes bad, I want you to cut and run. You just go for that raider. You leave all of us behind. Don't look back. I don't care if I am surrounded by Cylons and look like I'm losing. I am asking you to do the one thing I can't do."
The anguish on his face compelled her to reach up a hand to his cheek, "Ah Starbuck, I can't…"
"Yes you can! Nothing will ever be as bad as the Galactica leaving me. Don't you worry about my feelings or what I think or what they might do to me. You do what you have to do. Your life is worth it. Don't toss it away for me, because if I'm going down, I never want anyone to sacrifice their life for mine, do you understand? I am a coward and not worth it."
She tried not to laugh, but the absurdity of how his mind worked was too much sometimes. "So you don't want me to be like you, is that it? I'm not supposed to be the hero and help you save everyone? So when do you suggest I 'cut and run'? At the first shot or heck, why not now?"
She tried not to laugh as she spread the sarcasm. The chill in his eyes let her know he wasn't finding the humor in the irony. "Yesterday with Apollo. You should have gone with him. Sagan's sake, you should have stayed on the Galactica when Avery let you go. But I don't have time to build a time machine right now, so …so right now."
She laughed shaking her head as she tried to turn away. "Apollo took off on his own. He didn't want company."
"Dammit, Rene."
There it was, the sweet nothing Starbuck had often uttered as she was trying to save her family and friends from Dante's disaster. They were words he usually uttered in defeat, when all other words had failed for her to see his point. This time she saw his point, almost agreed with it. But Starbuck had so many points.
"So we should split up and I should go with Jake to find a raider?" She shrugged knowing full well that wasn't what Starbuck wanted.
"That idea was suicide. I'm just saying, when we get to this camp, you go straight for a raider. You get out of here and you stay away this time." He cut her off as she was about to object, "And if there is no raider, you go. In fact, I want you to go now. You head into the hills. If we find a raider, Boomer can find you. So you should head into the hills now. I know Apollo found something, I'm sure of it. Boomer knows the way he was headed and…"
She cut him off. "On my own. You want me to split off on my own? Now?"
"Yes, or stay here and wait for our return. You'll be safer. You're not up for this and if Boomer liberates a raider, he can come back for you."
She sighed in exasperation and tried to pull away, but he held her hard and fast.
"Starbuck, you're not making sense. Boomer is not up for this either and he doesn't know how to fly a raider."
Starbuck's eyes bore lasers into her and for a brief moment she wondered if the radium had gotten to him. "He's smart. He'll figure it out. I need you to get away and be safe and nothing else matters!"
She shivered and let his words fade in the wind before she reached up to stroke his face, hoping to instil some sanity into the moment. Maybe she should have stayed in the cavern and just let Starbuck hold her in the dark, or maybe she shouldn't have brought them to Caprica at all.
Starbuck was right about one thing, they didn't have a time machine and even if she did, she couldn't have left those people here to die.
Her touch stilled him and she tried to coax out the Starbuck she could reason with. "Pretty boy, how could I ever leave you? No one will ever measure up. And the fleet would never forgive me for losing their gold cluster hero. I can't leave you."
He grabbed her hand. "Don't. I'm serious."
She froze and waited, she didn't know exactly what for, but it came with a gust of wind that brought another tremor to Starbuck's shoulders. The shiver seemed to wake him from the moment. His voice was distant and sad.
"We should get dressed and go back in."
"I love you too." She blurted out the words that felt wrong in this place and were probably unnecessary.
He nodded as he took them as rejection to his suggestions. His turning away almost made her cry out, so she fell back on an old habit to avoid pain. She negotiated, tossing out a suggestion before he could break contact.
"I'm not leaving you now, but, if we get there and there are no raiders. I will. I will go and find Apollo."
He turned back as if she had yanked a leash around his neck. "As soon as we see they aren't there? You won't try to follow me and search for them? You won't go back to the city either?"
"Not alone, no. I won't go back to the city. I will find Apollo. I promise."
She tried not to smile as the old Starbuck slipped back into place and upped his bet pushing his hand. "And if you find a viper or another raider you will go back to the Galactica and stay there."
"I will go back, but," it was familiar game for both of them, the bid, the counter, "I will send people back for you. I can't leave you here."
He nodded accepting the bid. "Promise me you won't set foot on Caprica again. You send people for us, but you don't land. You stay out in space waiting for us, and….and if we don't come in a centaur, you go back and you stay there."
It was an easy lie to offer as she knew if she found Apollo, he could countermand any promise she had made to Starbuck because her man couldn't and wouldn't argue with Apollo. "I promise."
The ice in his eyes melted. "The family needs you safe. I need you safe."
Her heart wanted to reassure him and her head nodded as if she would do that, but her mouth overrode her thinking. "We're warriors, Starbuck, living in a battlestar in unknown space losing to an enemy that outnumbers us. There's only one place we'll be safe. It's either on Earth, which you won't give me the coordinates too, or it's…."
She couldn't say the words, not while her back was pressed into the dirt of a dying planet with their blasters within easy reach. It would be too good a grave and the desire to make it so was suddenly as strong as her desire to keep Starbuck with her forever. It rippled through her like jolt of electricity and she willed her arm to not reach for her weapon.
"No."
His words spoken low, but firm and strong, sounded very much like the Commander. Not just like Adama, but also Dante when issuing an order that was final and threatened severe punishment if defied.
"No. I need you and they need us. Together we are safe on the Galactica."
He didn't specify who "they" were and she suspected Starbuck meant everyone, the kids here and the family that he had created, as well as the whole damn fleet.
"So we get you to the Galactica, understood."
"Yes sir."
He nodded at her words and started to move away, then suddenly seemed to change his mind. He leaned down to kiss her insistently and deeply. Her body responded and she forgot to think, letting him do that for her.
Once the emotions crested and ebbed, she must have fallen asleep without realizing it as she was brought back to the world in the darkness. Starbuck's shoulders trembling had woken her before the cold reached her as well as he pulled away to find their clothes.
"It's dark. We should find the others and get going."
They tried to dress without getting up from the ground, not sure what dangers surrounded them other than the wind that had gained a cold bite in the dark. Starbuck cautiously crawled out of their protection of tall grass and judged they were alone and safe before he reached a hand to help her up.
His halting steps as led her towards the hillsides were her only indication that maybe they had lost the opening to the mine.
"Let me lead," she whispered, pretty sure she knew where it might be. She started to walk ahead, but he squeezed her hand twice and she looked back.
"We're both in the dark here, aren't we?" It was a new voice to her, this serious side of him, and it let her know he meant far more than finding Boomer and Jake in the mine.
"It's okay. I like being in the dark with you. We'll find our way." They weren't just words to reassure him. She found she actually meant them.
"Together." He squeezed her hand twice and she returned the pressure.
"Together. You'll keep us safe."