~The Gospel of Role Reversal~
"Nice potatoes, Minorin. I bet they're not crunchy underfoot, though!"
As always, her sister's smug smile made Minoriko flush with rage. "Don't worry, Shizu-chan, I'm sure your face is crunchy underfoot."
"Well, my face actually looks good, unlike you with your fat, dimpled cheeks," said Shizuha.
"Much like your feet," pouted Minoriko. "If you think your feet are anywhere near as cute as mine, take off those plimsoles!"
"If you think you can crunch through autumn leaves and stomp in the mud with half as much beauty and majesty as I do, put some on!" snapped Shizuha.
"Beauty?! Majesty?! All you do is paint a bunch of stupid leaves! I call forth the nourishing bounty of nature!" Minoriko threw her basket of sweet potatoes at Shizuha's feet. "I bloody dare you to eat one of them and tell me I'm not the true queen of the autumn."
"Uncooked? Are you trying to poison me?!" Shizuha kicked the basket into the bushes, scattering sweet potatoes far and wide. "I've had it up to here with you! Come on!"
"I'll rip your face off, you good-for-nothing cow!" roared Minoriko, charging at Shizuha.
"I'll shove your hat up your bum, you ugly daughter of a mongoose!" roared Shizuha, charging at Minoriko.
"Stop it! Will you two please stop it?!" a voice boomed from on high.
The goddesses both jumped. They shuffled their feet guiltily as a plump woman marched towards them. She was crowned with a circlet of seaweed, and her short geta sandals appeared to be made of chocolate.
"Um," said Minoriko.
"Um," said Shizuha.
"This rivalry of yours has gone on far too long. I can't hear myself think!" the woman in chocolate sandals ranted. "Is it really that important which one of you is 'the best'? You both do an important job, and that should be enough for any goddess. I mean, I don't pick fights with Sakuyahime over who has the most important job..."
"You're a goddess too?" asked Shizuha.
"Of course. I am Uke Mochi, goddess of food," said the stranger proudly.
"Wow, really?! I always wanted to meet you!" Minoriko's eyes lit up with joy. "Please try one of my sweet potatoes! I'll go and get you one!"
"Wait just a minute, will you? I'm not here to eat potatoes." Uke Mochi's face was grave. "I'm here to put a stop to your feuding. The seasons have been messed up enough this year, and management don't want either of you causing more trouble."
The Aki Sisters gulped as one. "Management" meant Lord Izanagi and Lady Izanami, and they took everything seriously.
"For one week, you will both switch jobs. Shizuha, you'll be in charge of bringing about a good harvest; Minoriko, you'll be in charge of painting the leaves red. If either of you refuse, I shall place a curse on your respective food products for the next seven years," said Uke Mochi.
"A curse?" Shizuha grinned evilly. "I think I'll go and take a nap now. Have fun with your cursed potatoes, little sis!"
"Autumn leaves are also food," said Uke Mochi sharply. "Do you want to be run out of Gensokyo by starving insects, Shizuha?"
"Um..." Shizuha glared petulantly at her majestic plimsole-clad feet. "No."
"Good." Uke Mochi smiled. "While I'm here, want any Turkish delight?"
"Ooh, yes!" cried Shizuha, licking her lips.
"NO!" wailed Minoriko, who had heard which orifice Uke Mochi usually got her Turkish delight from.
The following day, Shizuha got up at the crack of dawn to fertilise the sweet potatoes. Actually, no, that wasn't strictly true. Minoriko practically had to drag her out of bed and force-feed her strong coffee. After a miserable, hour-long breakfast, Shizuha finally ran out of excuses and trudged out into the back garden.
"Right..." Shizuha inspected the sweet potato patch. All she saw were rows upon rows of leaves in rich brown earth. "Um, Minoriko? Minoriko, where are the sweet potatoes?!"
"Underground!" Minoriko shouted through the kitchen window.
"Oh." Shizuha knelt beside one of the sweet potato plants and moved a few handfuls of earth out of the way. She soon uncovered a small tuber, dusted brown with mud. "Right, then. Hey, Minoriko, what the heck do I do now?!"
"Fertilise them!" replied Minoriko.
Shizuha gritted her teeth. "And exactly how am I supposed to do that, sister dear?"
"Use your imagination! You're a goddess!"
"I'm the goddess of AUTUMN LEAVES, not bloody fertilising and stuff!"
Minoriko stormed out of the cottage and thrust a wooden basket and a pair of battered gardening gloves into Shizuha's hands. "Use manure or leaf mulch or something. Make sure you work it into the soil, then water it thoroughly."
"Ah... Work it into the soil?"
"Stomp on it or something!"
Shizuha's eyes widened. "You do that BAREFOOT?!"
"I'm a harvest goddess, remember? I have divine feet," said Minoriko heavily.
"Well, if I do that, the potatoes will probably wither. Got any decent boots?" asked Shizuha.
"Um, no..."
Shizuha sighed. "A hoe, a spade, anything?"
"Oh, of course! They're in the shed."
"Good. Wait, we have a shed?!" Shizuha's eyes widened. "Where, exactly?"
Minoriko threw her hands up. "Just bloody look for it! I can't solve everything for you, can I?!"
"If you tried to solve everything for me, we'd both be dead!" snapped Shizuha. "Shouldn't you be off painting the leaves, anyhow? They need a bit more orange and yellow."
"Leaves? Oh, my days, I forgot!" gasped Minoriko. "Um, how do I-"
"Figure it out, you lazy, good-for-nothing tosser!" Shizuha slung the basket over her shoulder and marched off in what she thought was the direction of the shed.
After a brief but frenzied search, Minoriko had managed to find some autumn-tone paints and a few rather tatty brushes under her sister's bed. She changed into a frilly paint-proof apron, packed herself a bento box and strolled out into the forest.
"Right... Leaves..." All around her, the trees were crowned with green and gold. A few dead leaves crunched beneath her feet, but most of them were still on the trees.
Did Shizuha also have to make the leaves fall? Minoriko had never bothered to ask her. It would probably add to her workload quite a bit, so Minoriko decided she wasn't going to bother. She still had to paint the things, though. How would that work...?
Minoriko approached a tall oak tree and flew up into the branches. She seated herself on a sturdy, knobbly bough, unhooked her hat from a low-hanging branch, rested her pots of paint on a flat bit and set to work.
The first few leaves did not end up looking good. Minoriko had painted them orange all over, leaving them plasticky and artificial-looking. She managed to blend her colours on the next half-dozen, but they still looked nothing like proper autumn leaves. Minoriko threw her paintbrush down onto the forest floor, plucked a few hairs from her head and set upon the next leaf with grim determination.
"Damn it, I give up..." A few leaves later, Minoriko had lost what felt like half her head to the sticky paint. Her hands and clothes were covered in the stuff.
"Bit early for that, ain't it? The tree's still alive." Komachi was leaning nonchalantly against a neighbouring tree.
"What? Um, no, sorry. I wasn't literally damning the tree..." said Minoriko sheepishly. "Say, you're a woman of the world, aren't you? Do you have any idea how I can paint leaves properly?"
"Eh?" Komachi squinted up into the tree. "Wait, you're the other one... Ain't your sister around?"
"Uke Mochi forced us to swap jobs for the week. I'm on leaf-painting duty," explained Minoriko.
Komachi burst out laughing. "That's so like her! I bet she gave you the old 'These orders come straight from the top!' routine too..."
Minoriko gasped. "You mean she might've lied?!"
"'Course she did! She means well, but she can't keep 'er nose out of no-one's business. Just like my own dear, sainted Lady Eiki," said Komachi. "You should go an' knock some sense into 'er. Someone needs ta."
"Ah... Perhaps not," said Minoriko, who had only one decent spell-card to her name. "Thanks for the advice."
Komachi shrugged. "Suit yerself."
Minoriko shifted to reach the next leaf. Her knee connected with the jar of dark orange paint, sending it tumbling down to earth in a wide orange splatter. After a moment's quiet contemplation, she put her head in her hands and cried.
"So..." said Minoriko.
"I would not call that a runaway success," sighed Shizuha.
A long, miserable week had passed. The sisters were stuffing themselves with sweet potatoes in front of the fire. Minoriko was orange, yellow and red all over after a couple more paint spillages, but even she had to feel sorry for Shizuha, who had two big holes in her foot following a rather nasty accident with the garden fork.
"Painting leaves really is hard..." Minoriko sighed as well. "I don't know how you manage it."
"A lifetime of practice, I suppose." Shizuha took another sweet potato and chewed it thoughtfully. "How do you cope with all that gardening, though?! There's so much to dig up and bury and water and fertilise and pull up and- and it's just so incredibly, mind-numbingly boring!"
"Probably a lifetime of practice here, too," said Minoriko. "I don't even know which one of us has the most important job any more. If we're going by difficulty, though, yours is definitely the hardest."
"Oh, no, gardening is way harder than painting!" cried Shizuha.
"Well, it's easy for me, because I've learned how to do it. Much like you with your painting, right?" said Minoriko.
"I suppose so..." Shizuha glowered at her perforated foot. "There's one thing I'm sure we can agree on, though."
"Oh? What's that?"
"Uke Mochi needs to die in a fire."
Minoriko smiled. "I think Susano-o's ahead of you there..."