~Attack on Watermelon~

"Oi, Tenshi! Are you home?!"

"Urf…" Tenshi slowly pried her eyelids apart and immediately wished she hadn't. Drinking all night while the other Celestials recited poetry and ignored her completely always took it out of her. "More or less… Who are you?"

"It'sh me, of courshe!" Suika hiccupped loudly. "Your mum'sh planning a, like, a short of noh play, an' she wanted you for the thingy, the heroine'sh companion-"

"Tell her to go kill herself." Tenshi buried her head under the pillow and tried to get back to her dream. Let's see, Sakuya was just about to serve the roast ox-

"Come on, lazhy-bonesh, get up!" A small, pudgy hand grasped Tenshi by the forearm. Before she could react, she was being swung wildly above Suika's head, crying out in pain as her skin stretched and her arm popped out of its socket.

"That'sh more like it! Get up an'… an' crap the diadem!" Suika hurled Tenshi into the little peach grove. Tenshi crashed to a halt among the trees.

"Owww…" Tenshi pulled a few twigs out of her hair and wiped the worst of the peach juice off her nightshirt. "What time is it?"

"Jusht woke up," said Suika.

"That late?!" gasped Tenshi. "I'd better go and… do something! Or whatever. Uh, feel free to make yourself at home."

Suika took a blearly look around Tenshi's place. It wasn't much of a cloud; just a futon, a bookshelf, a stove and some weights, plus a few well-watered peach trees.

"Help yourself to my library," added Tenshi, selecting a few tasty-looking peaches from her trees. "Have you had breakfast? I've got some bread and cheese under my bed for people who aren't Celestials. It'll be a bit flat and pongy, but you might like it."

"Uh… I don't wanna imposhe…" Tenshi's library was nothing more than a few volumes of yuri manga, a copy of 'Journey to the West' and a few dozen Shonen Jump magazines in no particular order. "D'you wanna arm-wreshtle or shomething?"

"No way! You just dislocated my bloody arm!" said Tenshi ruefully. She winced as she forced it back into its socket. "If you want to arm-wrestle, try my mum. You could probably just snap her like a twig…"

"What if, like, we ushed our other armsh?!" cried Suika, glowing with pride over her amazing idea. "I mean, you ushe the one she didn't break, an' I ushe… Um… My equivalivalent one! Arm! Thingo!"

"No, thanks." Tenshi plonked herself down on the futon and ate her peaches, crunching the stones between her teeth like very small granite boulders.

"Oh, you're no fun…" Suika swatted Tenshi on the shoulder, sending her tumbling into her bookshelves. A heap of paperbacks and splintered wood fell on top of her.

Suika cringed drunkenly. "Whoopsh… Shouldn't'a done that, should I?"

"I'll say!" snapped Tenshi. She marched over to Suika, leaving a trail of mangled bookshelf in her wake, and gave the oni a swift kick in the face. Suika sailed right off the edge of the cloud.

"There we go!" said Tenshi, beaming with pride. "I'm sure that's not going to have any negative consequences whatsoever."

"Shtupid blue-haired meanie… I'll show her!"

"Wha-?" Sanae looked up and down the leafy forest track in amazement. "Lady Suwako, did you hear that?"

Suwako gave Sanae a questioning look. "I didn't hear anything. What did you hear?"

"A voice." Sanae's eyes were wide with fear. "It was coming from over there. Or there, maybe. Or there!" She pointed in three completely different directions.

"That's a huge help," said Suwako condescendingly. "It was probably just some youkai playing around. Come on, let's get back to-"

"I'm coming for you, Tenshi! Jusht wait 'til I work out which way ish up, I'll be out of thish shwamp in a jiffy!"

Sanae and Suwako almost jumped out of their skins. There was no mistaking it this time; a muffled, bubbly voice was coming from the muddy ditch next to the path.

Suwako stepped over a few brambles and approached the ditch. "Um, hello? Anyone in there?!"

Something stirred among the reeds and sludge. "I think I… I ish. Uh, am," the voice declared, bubbling up through the murky water. "I kind of fell in, and I can't sheem to, y'know, get out…"

"Are you stuck or just drunk?" asked Suwako.

Sanae shifted nervously. "I don't think we should stick around…"

"Come on, it's not as if that thing could beat the two of us!" said Suwako, smiling cockily.

"Whaddaya mean, 'thing'?! I am an oni!" The ditch bubbled and gurgled angrily as its resident spoke. "I'm the greatesht of them all, I am! Shuika Ikubi! I mean Ibiku! Whatever!"

Sanae looked at Suwako, who shrugged broadly.

"Tenshi short of kicked me offofof… of her cloud," Suika explained. "I'm gonna go an' shmash up Heaven, jusht ash shoon ash I can get out…"

Sanae gasped. "Smash up Heaven?! You can't! People live there!"

"They desherve it!" shnapped- sorry, snapped Suika. "It ish a bit high up, though… Maybe I'll jusht shmash up a few shrinesh, shee if Tenshi comesh down to try an' shtop me."

Now it was Suwako's turn to gasp. "But we live in a shrine!"

"No kidding?! Brilliant! You can show me where it ish!" said Suika delightedly.

"No way! If you even touch our shrine, I'll mash you!" snapped Suwako. "Come on, Sanae, we don't need to bother with her."

Suika exploded out of the ditch, showering Sanae and Suwako in mud and brackish water. Within a matter of seconds she was towering over them, growing taller at an incredible rate.

Suwako groaned. "I suppose I stand corrected…"

"RUN!" Sanae slung Suwako over her shoulder and booked it down the lane.

Suika's terrible rampage started out nothing more than a drunken totter over the meadows, with the now hundred-metre-tall oni kicking over the occasional tree. She soon set her sights on Youkai Mountain, at which point Kanako decided to do something.

"And I believe I know just the thing!" Kanako added, smiling a dangerous serpentine smile.

"Really?" Suwako was not convinced. "We've hardly tested him, and there's no telling what might happen if he blows up with us still inside…"

"Oh, do let's go, Lady Suwako! It'll be so much fun!" pleaded Sanae.

"Fine… If we all die horribly, I'm blaming you, Kanako."

The goddesses flew to the peak of Youkai Mountain as fast as they could. A youkai from the Former Capital of Former Hell was already waiting for them, her broken wagon wheel blazing around her neck. She led them along a narrow, crumbling ledge, then down a winding tunnel to the secret hangar.

The kappas, the tengu and all the people of the underground city had come together to build their new protector. As tall as a skyscraper and built almost entirely with recycled materials, he was truly a sight to behold, filling up the gigantic cave at the mountain's heart. Shifting lava lakes far below cast their orange glow over the titan's legs, with floodlights taking care of his upper body.

"I'm so excited!" Sanae tried to whisper, but her voice came out in an excited squeak. She soared up to the mech's head and slid back the hatch, which she held in place as Suwako and Kanako ducked inside.

Sanae squeezed into the cockpit, a kaleidoscope of glowing LEDs all around her. She slid into the pilot's seat, strapped herself in and immediately began examining the readouts. "Reactor at full capacity! Uranium reserves at ninety-seven percent! Main fuel tanks at one hundred percent in both arms!"

"Pilot's voice reaching critical annoyance levels! Recommend immediate smack upside the head!" said Kanako warningly.

"Sorry. I'm just so excited…" said Sanae sheepishly. "Everything seems all right. Can we get going?"

"Now's as good a time as any." Kanako activated the intercom system. "All systems are operational. Someone open the door, chop-chop!"

The peak of the mountain creaked slowly open, dropping half a ton of snow on top of a passing tengu. Late afternoon sunlight streamed in through the mech's windscreens, almost dazzling Sanae after her brief spell in the dark.

"All right, Sanae, bring us up nice and slowly-"

"Bring light to the tear-stained Gensokyo!" Sanae floored the accelerator. "Now, with all your might! Unleash your light, Super Robot! Hisoutensoku, ADVANCE!"

The mighty Hisoutensoku advanced out of the mountain, his turbines roaring as he took to the air. Kanako screamed and clung to Suwako. Sanae whooped with joy and pulled Hisoutensoku into a loop-the-loop, which almost smashed him flat against the mountainside.

Suwako screamed. "Sanae, what are you doing?! Just- just fly normally!"

"Hold me," whimpered Kanako, burying her face in Suwako's shoulder. Suwako held her and tenderly stroked her hair.

Sanae obediently flew the mech down past the tengu village and over the woods below. She could see Suika resting in the distance, ignoring the hail of stars and amulets pelting her while she slouched amid the Forest of Magic.

Suwako gasped. "She's-! She's sitting on Marisa's house!"

"How dare she?" growled Sanae. "The depravity of these giant monsters…! It makes my blood boil! To fail now is not an option! As you two are my witnesses, we will vanquish the bloodthirsty Suika and bring peace back to the world!"

"She… She's just drunk," said Kanako shakily. "But yes, let's get her. Slowly, please."

Hisoutensoku touched down in the clearing. Marisa and Reimu looked up in awe as he stormed towards Suika, grabbed her by the shoulders and hauled her onto her feet.

"H-hey! What givesh?!" cried Suika, wobbling a little. "How did… How'd'you get a shuit of armour that big?!"

The giant robot punched Suika in the face. She blinked a couple of times and toppled over backwards, flattening what was left of Marisa's house.

"Oh, you wanna go, do ya?!" Suika stood up, fell over again and carefully propped herself up on her elbows. "You big bully! I'll show you!"

Suwako snorted. "Show us how to fall asleep in a puddle of her own vomit, more like."

Kanako stared at her.

Unaware of the goddesses mocking her, Suika pounced on Hisoutensoku. Alarm bells sounded in the cockpit as he was bent over backwards.

Sanae's eyes narrowed. "Oh, no you don't. Full power to all motors!"

"Ah, that's the, um, green slider…?" Suwako nervously eyed her console.

"YELLOW DIAL!" snapped Kanako, for the four hundred and sixty-second time.

"R-right!" Suwako did the thing.

Suika cried out as Hisoutensoku forced her back, bearing down on her with incredible force. She swung her leg at her enemy's groin, succeeding only in stubbing her toe.

Hisoutensoku extended two fingers and took aim at Suika's eyes. Suika did not fall for it. With a mighty roar she swung the mech over her head and slammed him into the ground, smashing several trees into splinters.

"Damn it…!" The impact had broken Sanae's chair and sent her sprawling in the rear of the cockpit. "That thing is so strong! How can we ever hope to beat it?!"

"Thing? It's Suika…" Kanako pointed out.

"But we have to try!" Sanae forced herself to stand, screaming in pain as her battered legs took the strain. "Everyone is counting on is. Marisa, Reimu, all the children and the little bunnies… For their sake, we have to win! Selfish beings like Suika cannot be allowed to get away with their crimes. I could not live in that kind of world!"

Her eyes ablaze, Sanae flew up and grabbed the controls. "I… Won't… Lose! Chaaaaaaaarge!"

With smoke pouring from a dozen wounds, Hisoutensoku rose to his feet and ran at Suika. Before she knew what was happening a shining chrome fist ploughed into cheek, squashing her face and knocking her off her feet. Hisoutensoku grabbed her by the horns and took to the sky.

Suika kicked and screamed, but the mech held her firmly at arm's length as he carried her over the fields and forests. Finally he threw her onto a craggy hill in a shower of splintered wood.

Reimu screamed. "NO! My poor little shrine!"

"Your reign of terror is history, giant watermelon!" roared Sanae, expertly working the levers to aim Hisoutensoku's arm. "Now, you will feel the power of our ultimate attack! ROCKET PUNCH!"

Hisoutensoku's forearm broke off and blasted towards Suika. It smashed into her belly with an almighty thump, leaving a deep crater. The arm flew back and reattached itself with a click, leaving Suika shaking and crying.

After a few moments, Suika exploded. Hundreds of tiny, stocky, drunken onis drifted down from on high.

~Author's Note~

I was quite proud of this one back when I wrote it, but even so it was heavily adapted. The fight at the end is all new; I didn't have the time to finish it back in February, but now we get the climactic punch-up the story deserves.