~The Great Holy War on the Water~
"Oh, for flip's sake! For the love of mackerel! I cannot TAKE this any more!"
Miko's fist struck the table, making the crowd of porcelain dishes tremble and clatter. Tojiko yelped as her scrambled eggs went flying.
"I am sick and tired," said Miko furiously, "of losing to Byakuren and her goody-two-shoes Budhhist collective every single time. She has an oil-powered bicycle, spells to make herself stronger and faster, an entire flying ship... We can't let this continue!"
"But what can we do?" said Futo glumly. "Mine own boat cannot fly, nor have we a single motorised velocipede... Alack, our one metal trolley hath no engine. And even on foot, the accursed false saint Byakuren wouldst trounce us..."
"It's just not fair! Why can't we be the ones with the cuddly yamabiko and the massive ship and the ghost with a ladle and the-"
"THAT'S IT!" Tojiko leapt to her tails with both arms raised in a spirited double fist-pump. "The Palanquin's so big it would never be able to beat Futo's boat on the water!"
"It cannot?!" Futo stared at Tojiko in amazement. "Ah, may I remind thee that the Buddhists' temple can fly-"
"Through air, yes, but water is way thicker," Tojiko cut in. "Trust me. A small, nimble boat can never lose!"
Byakuren laughed a superior laugh. "A race? On the water? Oh, Miko, our mighty Palanquin can never lose! If you insist on challenging us, it will be the biggest humiliation of your life."
Miko raised one eyebrow. "Your point being?"
"My point being we should do it. Would Tuesday be good for you?"
"Why not Monday?"
"Well, why not Sunday, then?"
"Why not Saturday?"
"Why not Friday?"
"Let's just do it now," suggested Miko.
"Be at Misty Lake in one hour," agreed Byakuren.
A gaggle of fairies and a few of the local youkai had gathered on the northern shore of Misty Lake. One of them was selling grilled lampreys.
"Good luck! Bon voyage!" Yoshika was waving her handkerchief as best she could with such stiff arms. A single tear rolled down her unhealthily grey cheeks. "I'm going to miss them..."
"They're just sailing across the lake, you idiot," sighed Seiga. "Good luck, Miko, Futo and Tojiko! Have a great time!"
"We'll send you a postcard when we get there!" shouted Tojiko.
Space was at a premium on Futo's little wooden Ame no Iwafune, so Miko had to stand in the prow. She got her balance and promptly milked it, with one hand on her hip and the other holding her shaku aloft. She signalled to Mamizou, who was hovering above the shore with megaphone in hand.
"Ladies and additional ladies, both captains have declared themselves ready! The Great Holy War on the Water will begin in precisely some seconds!" shouted Mamizou. She squinted at her pocket-watch. "Five... Four... Three..."
"Tojiko, spin those tails!" ordered Miko.
"Right!" Tojiko lowered herself into the icy water, holding the stern with knuckles white. Her tails spun into a frenzy. The Ame no Iwafune shot forwards, kicking up a spray of shimmering white foam.
"Good-for-nothing cheaters... Punch it, Captain!" ordered Byakuren.
Minamitsu immediately began barking orders. Shou, Ichirin, Unzan, Kyouko, Nazrin, Nue and a dozen youkai monks ran around the deck, hoisting the sails, shivering the timbers and whatever else people apparently have to do on a ship. Slowly but surely, like an avalanche gathering speed, the Palanquin began to move.
"They don't stand a chance." Miko could barely suppress her triumphant laughter. "We've got it in the bag, you two! Oh, I can almost see the look on Byakuren's face!"
"I hadst not a notion that my vessel couldst do this! Woohoo!" Futo's legendary boat was crashing through the waves faster than a horse could run, faster even than a tsuchigumo could fly. Squeezed between Miko and Tojiko, Futo was having the time of her life.
"Glad you're... Having... Fun..." panted Tojiko, spitting out water.
On the deck of the Palanquin, Byakuren sighed deeply. "So much for punching it. Captain, is there any way we can go faster?"
"Not without using the cyclonic drive, and that'd be cheating," said Minamitsu glumly.
"Really?" Byakuren's eyebrows rose in a look of innocent surprise. "It wouldn't be cheating as long as we stay in contact with the water, now, would it?"
"...It wouldn't? Well, I..." A wicked grin spread across Minamitsu's face. "I like the way you think. Engine room, activate the cyclonic drive! Maximum thrust!"
The roar of a mighty wind sounded inside the Palanquin's hull. Its sails billowed as an invisible force blew upon them, sending the ship charging forwards.
Futo soon heard the roaring of the Palanquin's engines. She glanced over her shoulder and almost screamed. "Miko! Tojiko! They-they're coming after us!"
"Yeah, but we're miles ahead." Miko glanced behind the Ame no Iwafune. Her jaw dropped. "T-t-t-t-t-t-Tojiko, hurry up!"
"Are you... Kidding...?! I'm... Exhausted... Already..." gasped Tojiko.
"Damn it..." Miko grit her teeth and tried to come up with a plan. "Futo, you can make this thing fly, right?"
"The Ame no Iwafune is not a mere 'thing', Your Highness," said Futo severely. "I can, however."
"Good. Do that, but fly touching the surface of the water! Tojiko, go ahead and take a break." Miko swung around to face the onrushing Palanquin. "I'll see if I can stop this lot in their tracks."
Futo rose unsteadily to her feet, stomping on Tojiko's hand in the process. "Heaven Sign: Iwafune Ascending to Heaven!"
The boat surged forwards. Blue and purple bullets exploded from the stern, making Tojiko yelp with pain as they battered her tails. She hauled herself onto the deck, curled up between Futo's feet and glowered at the warm fleecy shorts overhead.
"Now, that's what I call speed! Futo, you rock!" declared Miko, giving Futo a pat on the back.
"Um," said Futo, "I did barely comprehend a quarter of thy words."
"She's saying thou art a fruitful, honey-tongued Welsh cheese," grunted Tojiko.
Futo's cheeks turned pink. "T-truly?! O sweet prince, how my heart doth sing to hear those words! Cometh to my arms!"
Before Miko could cometh to anybody's arms, a heavy iron grappling-hook smashed into the water.
Tojiko gasped. "The bastards! They're trying to harpoon us!"
"Cowards," growled Miko. "Let's see how they like this. Divine Light: Honour the Avoidance of Defiance!"
Miko hurled dozens of golden rays in her enemies' general direction, followed by countless multicoloured bullets. All was quiet for a few seconds, and then a barrage of purple rectangles came flying off the Palanquin's prow.
"Good thinking, straw hat girl. Trying to hem us in." Miko smiled. "Futo, evasive manoeuvres! Now!"
Futo swung the Ame no Iwafune around, willing the boat to move with every fibre of her being. She drove the boat at full tilt past the Palanquin's flank.
"Perfect! There's no way they can hit us now!" laughed Miko.
"They won't need to, though, will they? We've just lost the lead," Tojiko pointed out.
Miko's good mood immediately vanished. "Ohhhhhh, shite... She's going to be insufferable, isn't she?"
"Completely," groaned Tojiko.
"I'm so sorry..." sobbed Futo.
It turned out, however, that Byakuren was going to be anything but insufferable. The Palanquin was rapidly running out of lake.
"Oh, my days! Captain, quick, turn!" screamed Byakuren.
"No time! Brace, everyone, brace!" wailed Minamitsu.
The Panalquin skidded up the beach and arced over the dense forest. Leaves and branches batted at the smooth wooden hull, which immediately made it less smooth, until one tall, lopsided pine managed to impale the entire cargo hold. The mighty ship crashed nose-first among the trees in a shower of splintered wood, scattering the crew across the canopy.
Scudding over the lake half a mile away, Miko burst out laughing. "Come on, you two, that is just PRICELESS! Up the beach, into the forest, bye-bye Palanquin! Gods, I love races. We need to have an Incident one of these days where everything gets sorted out by racing. Maybe we could let the spectators throw stuff at the competitors, just to spice things up-"
"WE'RE HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE MANSION!" screamed Tojiko.
Miko went pale. They were indeed speeding towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion. "Um-"
The Ame no Iwafune shot up over the beach and smashed into the clock tower.
After a few minutes, Tojiko stirred beneath the crimson rubble. She forced herself up on her hands and things resembling knees, trembled, and flopped back down in defeat.
"You know," she said grumpily, "being beaten up by a bratty vampire and her maid is exactly how I like to spend my afternoons."
~Author's Note~
I mostly edited the opening of this one. It is better now.