~Author's Note~
The following is a transcript of everything Kosuzu said while giving a guided tour of the Human Village, which I somehow managed to scribble down during the trip. Amazingly, no-one spoke to me or acknowledged my existence throughout the tour, which makes this framing device a little tenuous. What the flip, at least I didn't embarrass myself by trying to flirt with Aya…
~Kosuzu's Grand Tour~
Oh, hello there! Are you here for the tour?
Great! I'm Kosuzu, by the way. I work in the book-lenders, which we'll get to during the tour. Is everyone ready? Perfect! Follow me, everybody, and try to look human!
All righty. On your left, you should be seeing a house, and on the right there should be another house. This is a pretty typical road; we have lots of roads just like this one in the village, although a few of them lead to bigger houses with gardens and stuff.
What? The shopping district? We're in it, actually! A lot of us run small businesses out of our houses. Look, there's the hairdresser, right there! Shuri and Chichiro do the best side ponytails in the world!
Yes, as I was saying, most of the villagers can't afford to buy a shop, so they turn their homes into sort of half-shops. My parents are lucky; they inherited a house with two floors, so we can use the whole ground floor for books!
And now, here's the town square! This is where we do... town square activities, like festivals and things! This is actually the oldest part of the village, it's been here since four thousand years ago.
...What? No, Mamizou, I wasn't there. I'm fifteen!
Anyway, in the centre of the square, you'll see our iconic dragon statue. Believe it or not, the colour of its eyes can predict the weather!
...Oh, you do believe it. Well, great! Good. Hey, did you know it sometimes changes direction, too?! I once saw the statue swivelling to face me while I was out buying tea, and-
Nue, that was you?! You made our statue rotate?!
Oh! Hi, Ms Kamishirasawa! No, no-one's making the statue rotate or anything... This is just a tour! I'm allowed to give guided tours! C-come on, don't give me that look...
All right, I admit that one's a youkai, but what's the harm in it? You know they need to scare humans to live! One youkai knowing what the village looks like isn't going to-
Okay, fine, everyone in the group is a youkai. Oh, please don't beat them up! I need the money! I promise I won't show them anything embarrassing or dangerous, or...
You... want to escort us? I mean, you want to come too? Great! That's lovely! See, Aya? I told you I'd find us a historian!
Anyway! Um, let's go and see some of the more upmarket houses! Just this way, past the high street. Come along!
You can see quite a few of the bigger shops along here. There's Hitomi's House of Sashimi, the general store, the Kirisame-ya second-hand shop-
Wh-WHAT?! Of course we're not on our way to a lesbian orgy! How could you, Mr Kirisame?!
Oh, Alice, Nue, will you please stop giggling? I'm fifteen...
No, I will not tell Marisa to kill herself! Shame on you!
Wait, no, stop! Get off! Ow! My head! Ouch! HELP!
G-good grief... That was a nice kick, Ms Kamishirasawa. Very... Very effective... He's going to be feeling that in the morning.
Right. Well. Step this way, ladies; there's some great architecture along here, and even a shrine!
On your left, you should be seeing the Silver Chateau. It might belong to the lord of the village, but no-one's ever seen him, so I couldn't say for sure. Just look at those walls, though! Genuine silver birch planks, put together over a hundred years ago by a team of miyadaiku! And those paper walls have never grown a single pair of eyes!
And on your right, there's Shigeru Kawasaki's house. He's a gardener, a businessman, and pretty much everything. Just look at those bonsai trees and the cute little flower beds! They're amazing!
Oh, here he comes now! Good afternoon, Mr Kawasaki!
...Wait, what do you mean we have to pay to admire your flowers?! They're right by the side of the road! You can't charge us just for looking at something!
W-wait, no, don't call your guards! No, I, um... Oh, dear... Ms Kamishirasawa, could you talk to him?
Oh, my! D-don't hurt him! Oh... Um... I-I think we should stop for lunch now... Aya, can you stop taking pictures of Ms Kamishirasawa stomping on his throat? It's really tacky.
Thank you. So, um. We'll be taking lunch in the village's premiere book-lending estabishment, Suzunaan! My mother and I made some veg curry and cheesecake, and there's half a salami in the pantry. We can probably spare you a slice each. We have thousands of books and even some classics which are out of print, so you're welcome to browse when we get there! And, um, if you want to rent something, be our... guest?
Mamizou, why are you looking at me like that?
Wh-what do you mean, devious?! I'm just trying to give you all a nice tour! And, I mean, the curry was pretty expensive to make...
Anyway, the bookshop is just along Orange Blossom Street. Follow me, ladies!
Here we are: Suzunaan, the oldest and most well-established rental bookshop in the village! Just leave your shoes by the letter box. No, not on the statue, Nue. Put them next to mine.
Mummy, we're here! Party of six, including me!
She'll just be a few seconds. Here, take some seats!
All right, Nue, put down that chair. You know that wasn't what I meant.
Wh-?! I-I'm not cute when I'm angry! Mamizou, why would you say that?!
Aaugh! Please don't say things like that in front of my friends...
Oh, wow, this curry is delicious! Dig in, everyone!
Eep! NUE, PUT DOWN THAT SPADE THIS SECOND!
I'm so sorry, I had no idea she was going to be like this... Mamizou, can't you talk some sense into her?
We... We gave you chopsticks for a reason, Mamizou... I'm just going to stop talking and have my cheesecake now, all right?
Mmmmm... So good!
Wow, that meal was a triumph! Right, for the next stage of our tour- yes, Aya? What is it?
Agatha Chris Q? I'm sorry, I don't know her. I'm not even sure she lives in Gensokyo! I could maybe show you where the Child of Miare lives, though, since we'd be going that way anyway...
Mamizou, why are you giggling?
All right, keep your secrets. Let's go, everybody! To North Chicken Tempura Street!
Sorry, Alice, I do not know who came up with that name.
I do know that this street was on the front lines in a major battle some two or three hundred years ago. A bunch of kappa came along in steam-powered tanks and tried to burn down the village so they could take our cucumber! If you look closely, you can still see the scarring on the road where their tanks drove.
Do you know what? I wasn't supposed to mention this any more since the last tour group had all those terrible nightmares, but I think you all deserve to know the truth. Believe it or not, the spirits of the fallen warriors still linger in this very street, and if a kappa ever attacks the village again, they'll rise up to-
Oh, you've all... You've met them? The spirits of the fallen warriors? Well, great! Good. Anyway, there are a couple of places of worship a little further along. Not the usual sorts of shrines; instead we have a Buddhist temple and a Taoist church-
Wait, what's going on?! There's... There's a woman in shorts wrestling with another woman who... Who doesn't have any legs?!
Minamitsu and Tojiko? Those are their names? Well, I never... Um, let's take the scenic route through the alleys! Where they're not! Watch out, it's a little muddy here. Or it might be animal dung. Let's just, um, step around it...
Nue, don't you dare throw that me. I have a spell-card in my pocket and I've completed a two-week course at the Moriya Shrine. I actually got a B-plus!
Well, yes, you do have ten of the strongest spell-cards in the land, and enough magic pulsating through your veins to duel for hours, but that still doesn't give you any right to-
OH, MY DAYS, A HEADLESS WOMAN! Aya, save me!
Oh, it's only you, Sekibanki... Good grief, you scared me to death! You can, um, put me down now... Thanks.
Well, Sekibanki, I'm doing a guided tour of the village. For a modest fee, you get an in-depth look at all the best buildings and the most amazing stuff we have, with fascinating historical insights and a free meal to boot!
I... WHAT?! I am not! And my parents can do it just fine in any weather!
Well, that wasn't very nice. Honestly, some people just don't care about culture...
That was completely uncalled-for, Mamizou. Aren't you ashamed of being so... Well, so pithy?
Oh. That makes sense, I suppose. Well, let's press on! Just around this barrel, over the two filthy cushions and past the... Dead dog... Which wasn't here a week ago... Oh, gods, I'm going to throw up! Duck, Aya!
Ohhh, my throat hurts... So sorry about your boots, Alice. It'll wash out, though, won't it?
Right. The Hieda mansion. Just this way, ladies, past the... puddle of vomit. So sorry! That's never happened before...
Oh, yes, there's a little roadside shrine here! The Moriyas set it up, I think. It's supposed to drive away snakes. And, just a little further, the Hieda residence! Isn't it beautiful? Just like Akyuu...
I-I didn't say that! I said nothing! Gosh, look at those clouds moving in, we could be in for a cold night. I love mochi, though, don't you? It's so sweet and chewy, and-and I've been thinking of buying some new boots for the winter. My old pair are a little too small. Er. Um.
Oh! Akyuu! Hi! Um, I was just, um... W-we were doing a tour! Of the village! Would you- would you please tell my friends here something interesting?
Really? Six hundred years?
Gosh...
Oh, my days, that's horrible!
Did-did he really manage to defeat all twelve of them?!
Amazing!
Wow, that was so kind of him! And after all the trouble her cursed nose caused, too...
Good golly, we've been listening for two hours! Akyuu, you really go all in, don't you? You really are the greatest. Thank you so much!
Um, Nue, why are you snoring? Alice, why are you using Nue as a pillow?! Come on, wake up! Akyuu's making a big effort for all of us! Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?!
No, it's all right, just try not to do it again. I suppose the story did go on a bit... But she has such an angelic voice...
Oh! Um! Right, then, time for the highlight of our tour: a trip to the Hakurei Shrine!
...Mamizou, what do you mean, you went there for tea yesterday? I don't believe it. I won't! I refuse to let my tour end on a low note just because youkai are weird! Akyuu, could we please borrow a bottle of sake? And maybe some ramune?
Ah, this is perfect! Thank you so much, sweetie- I mean, um, Miss Hieda no Akyuu, my... Good friend...
Nue, Mamizou, stop laughing! Now come on, we're going to the shrine, and that's final!
Aaagh, I'm exhausted... I had no idea it was so high up in the mountains... It can't be much further, though, right?
Aya, must you carry Alice and gambol around like that? You're showing me up...
Finally! Oh, thank goodness, we're here! Hey, Reimu, I brought the tour group! Sorry we're so late, there was a story, and things happened. We have sake, though, and ramune for me!
Now, this shrine was founded many years ago, and at least one shrine maiden has lived here ever since-
Since eight hundred and seventy-two BC, Ms Kamishirasawa? Wow... Um, you'll be delighted to hear the Hakurei Shrine was once associated with academia, and people used to come here to pray for good exam results. Nobody knows which god lives here, though.
Nue, you can't have met her! Will you please stop messing with me and just try to enjoy the tour?!
I'm sorry, Reimu, she isn't always like this...
Oh, she is always like this? Well, you know her better than me...
Wow, this lemonade is delicious! It almost makes the arduous climb up the mountain seem worth it, right?
Oh, shut up, Aya...
Right. Before we finish the tour, Reimu said she had a special thing she wanted to show off, and even I haven't seen it yet! Are you ready for this? Behold, the...
Um. Reimu. Is that... Is that a donation box on wheels?
Right... So, there's our amazing surprise! It's a wooden box with thin slots on top and wheels at the bottom. Amazing.
Why are you looking at me like that? Reimu? Come on, d-don't pout and look like you're about to cry! Don't! It isn't that bad...
I-I mean, um- She- she does do a great job fighting tirelessly to protect Gensokyo, doesn't she? So you could spare her a little something... I mean, the tour's only two hundred mon per head, you can afford a little!
Wait, where are you going?! You don't have to donate, it's just, it'd be nice! And-and you haven't even paid ME! I can't give tours at a dead loss! Don't do this to me! Not after we spent so much on the cheesecake!
Oh, is that tea for me? Thanks, Reimu. Just what I need to wash down all that lemonade...
~Author's Note~
This is one story I really enjoyed writing. Kosuzu is so sweet and earnest, but Gensokyo isn't so soft towards her, and there's a tonne of comedy potential that can be found as she skips naively through life. Poor little thing. I changed a few lines, but most of this is as it was in February.
If you're looking for day 21's story, I decided to publish it separately as a crossover here: "haych tee tee pee" (colon)(forward slash)(forward slash) "doubleyew doubleyew doubleyew" (doht) "fan fiction" (doht) "knet" (forward slash) s (forward slash) 13178492 (forward slash) 1 (forward slash) Fight-Ultrawoman-Half-Pint-vs-Counterattacking-Amanojaku
Or you could, I don't know, look it up on Archive of our Own? Where there'll be an actual, working link you can copy? Just a thought...