~How-To Guides of Lunatic Kingdom~

Seiran's guide to military discipline:

1. Always greet your commanding officer with a cheerful "Good morning, ma'am! It's such a lovely day for violence and mayhem!"
2. Keep your clothes clean and tidy. Make sure your dress is properly ironed and your tights are soft and free from holes, and polish your cute little buckle-shoes every morning. Keep your sword clean, too, and try not to put too many stickers on your gun.
3. Take care of your body. Eat plenty of carrots, do plenty of exercise, take regular baths and shave diligently.
4. Try to work as a team and make sure none of your squadmates feel left out. Be friendly and polite. Don't use your rank as an excuse to bully people, but at the same time treat your superiors with respect; they're trying to do a job, after all.
5. If a Lunarian insists on calling you "Flopsy" and gushing over how cute your tail is, just grin and bear it. It's better than being a scullery maid or a foot-massage slave, right?
6. It's never the wrong time for a cup of tea and some sweet mochi. Try to coordinate tea breaks with the enemy so that no-one is placed at a disadvantage.
7. Above all else, make sure to stay positive!

Ringo's guide to being a gourmet:

1. Never be afraid to try a new food. You might not like it, but it could turn out to be the most delicious thing you've ever tasted, and that's worth the risk of going in blind.
2. A meal generally meeds a drink to go with it. Tea is best with a fortifying meal such as breakfast or lunch, alcohol goes well with dinner, and fruit juice goes well with cold meals such as salads and sandwiches. A savoury meal should have a savoury accompaniment, such as miso soup, whereas a pudding deserves a sweet drink such as a chocolate milkshake.
3. Keep in practice by eating as much as possible. Remember: the fatter you get, the more room you'll have for food, and the longer you'll be able to survive in times of hardship. You'll also be softer, cuddlier, warmer and better at swimming, and the extra weight can help strengthen your legs. Really, skinny people are missing out on a whole lot of fun!
4. Never let cheap, industrialised food stand in for something made properly. The key ingredient in every meal is love, and it's impossible even for Lunarian science to synthesise love. (We've tried, though. Amaterasu help us... Yeah, I said Amaterasu. Eat it, Tsukiyomi.)
5. Make sure you try meals from different cultures. The amount of unique recipes, techniques and flavour combinations around the world is truly incredible!
6. For the true gormet, every meal is a special occasion. Don't just mindlessly scoff your food down, light a few scented candles and savour every morsel of your meal. If you find yourself weeping with joy, you're doing it right.
7. If possible, try to eat with a friend. Good food is always best with good company, and talking to someone can help prolong the pleasure of a delicious meal.
8. If eating is causing you problems, change your diet. We eat in order to survive, at the end of the day, so what matters most is how good it makes you feel.
9. Say it with me, gourmands of the world: YUM YUM IN MY TUM!

Doremy's guide to sleep:

1. Make sure your bedroom is at a comfortable temperature. Ideally, the room should be slightly cool, with your blankets and stuff compensating for it.
2. Keep your bedroom airy and lightly furnished. A bunch of books and a shelf of anime figurines are nice touches; dozens of electronic devices are not. Blackout curtains are a good idea during the winter.
3. At the end of the day (pun intended!), your bedroom should be a place of sanctuary and comfort, so make sure it feels good to be there. Make sure you have a comfy bed with the sorts of pillows, quilts, blankets and cuddly toys you like. If having to get up in the morning reduces you to tears, you have the right bed-design philosophy.
4. Consider purchasing a Sweet Sleep Pillow (TM), available at any reputable furniture shop. They're so soft and snuggable, I really can't recommend them enough!
5. Have supper at least an hour before you go to bed. For the rest of that hour, try to relax as much as possible in order to get into the right frame of mind. Obsessively checking your social mediums won't contribute to a restful night's sleep.
6. When the wonderful moment finally arrives, make the most of it. Snuggle up under your favourite quilt, bury your head in your favourite pillow and say "Ahhhhhhhhh...!"
7. If you don't yet have a favourite pillow, why not try a Sweet Sleep Pillow (TM)? They're available at all reputable furniture shops, and no ordinary pillow can compare. Don't delay! Get yours today!
8. Sleep cannot generally be forced, and worrying about it will only make it harder for you to drift off. Simply clear your mind and let the magic happen.
9. While your body is resting soundly, your soul will be free to explore the Dream World. There are many wonders you can experience in a dream, but there are dangers, too. You didn't eat too much cheese for supper, did you?
10. Feel free to visit the many youkai who inhabit the Dream World. If you ever happen to meet me, I can recommend some truly excellent pillows for you to try.
11. You'd be surprised by how much people need to sleep. Outside of Gensokyo, sleep deprivation is seen as cool, modern, even honourable, but it ruins your ability to think and do stuff. No matter how much you believe in yourself and how much your boss claims to value you, you need at least eight hours of sleep every day. Teenagers, believe it or not, might need ten. It may feel like you're losing valuable time, but what you gain in clear thinking and wellbeing will more than make up for it.
12. Once you've finished sleeping, try to wake up with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. It's only one day until you get to try again, after all!

Sagume's guide to public speaking:

1. Try not to offend anyone.
2. Try not to look like you're trying not to offend anyone, since trying not to offend anyone can offend some people.
3. I don't know... Orate casual.
4. By this method, you will be able to speak publicly without ever facing controversy from arrogant people who go around looking for arguments!
5. ...Oh, no.

Clownpiece's guide to self-esteem for teenage girls:

1. Git yerself a freakin' firearm. Seriously, nothin' makes ya feel strong like the ability ta' freakin' MURDER anyone who messes with ya!
2. Learn ta' love yer body. It's yours an' yours alone, so no-one gets ta' tell you you ain't pretty. Like make-up? Rock that cherry-red lipstick or whatever, girlfriend! Don't like make-up? Rock that totally natural face a' yours! It don't matter whether ya look like a supermodel; what matters is how ya feel an' who you are on the inside.
3. If the 'rents won't let ya outside unless yer in a pretty dress, kill them. Don't know how? Refer back ta' the first paragraph.
4. Likewise, don't let no-one tell ya what kinda person you oughta be. Yer the best there is at bein' you; no-one else knows how ta' do it right. Sure, people can have good advice, but they don't know ya better'n you do.
5. If you got a sweetheart, great! Cherish them with alla' your heart. Don't let 'em dominate your life, though; if they wanna make you do stuff you don't like, refer to the third paragraph.
6. A sword is a decent substitute fer a gun.
7. Git yerself a hobby. Somthin' ya like doin', somethin' challenging, somethin' where yer abilities can grow, somethin' you c'n do with friends and/or somethin' you c'n make money off of are all good ideas. It don't matter what people think: video games are a great hobby, sewing an' baking don't automatically make you a wimp, an' fishin' an' soccer won't make you a lesbian.
8. Actually, seein' a buncha' tough girls all around ya might be what makes ya realise you ARE a lesbian. It ain't guaranteed, though.
9. It don't really matter whether or not yer a lesbian. There ain't no, like, "bad" sexual orientations or genders, so you do you. People don't like it? See paragraph 3.
10. Slack off in school as much as ya can get away with. If it just makes ya bored an' miserable, why bother? Yer future don't depend on academic success!
11. Above all else, don't ever give up on nothin'. You c'n run a marathon, climb a mountain, beat a Touhou game, anythin', but ya gotta try dozens of times beforehand. Sooner or later, ya'll even be able ta' beat alla' my spell-cards without breakin' a sweat! Now, THAT'S a feelin' of pride an' accomplishment!
12. Man, that meme died out pretty quick... Guess ya c'n tell when Ah wrote this. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯