Consciously he knew it was exhaustion that was making everything seem so surreal, yet he just couldn't seem to reconcile the dreams in his head with what he was seeing. The images were too close to pick between the two as he walked into a sleeping chamber so much like one he and Rene had discussed as a dream getaway. It was just as she had desired, with a hearth and a view of the hillsides around them including a small lake at the bottom of the valley. Had Rene seen this all before? The weight of that line of thinking nearly dropped him to his knees. He made his own fate. He controlled his destiny, didn't he?
He shook his head to clear it.
"You okay?" Jake couldn't hide the concern on his face despite his annoyance with him. "We need more help here?"
"I'm okay," he answered willing it to be the truth, nodding to the old man as he felt a wave of emotion engulf him. "Sir, thank you, but please…" he paused almost afraid to ask. His luck just couldn't turn out that good, could it? "Is it true? You have a viper?"
"I have several, but I'm lacking in fuel. Might get one off the ground."
Starbuck absorbed the information, feeling the hope, but it was the tainted optimism that left a strange taste in your mouth and on your soul. Everything since the destruction had been like this, a maybe, a "might be if the stars line up right." But beggars couldn't be choosers. He'd put together a winning hand with less before.
"Thank you, sir." He wanted to say more, but the sudden liberation from the worry about finding a way home left him open to other emotions that fought to be first in his heart. A new worry rushed in to fill the void. Could Rene do this?
Jake had her sitting on the counter in the washroom, running the bio monitor over her again, and reaching to undo her uniform tunic. Her eyes were unfocused and trying to close. It was a question that would have to wait for an answer until after they got some rest.
"I will give you some privacy. Clean up after yourselves," Peryton said as he went to the storage closet pulling out some clothes which he tossed on the bed.
Starbuck mumbled another thank you, then headed for the wash room, closing the door behind him. Jake cast him a quick look before nodding to the sink. "Can you get some water running. Hot as you can stand it. Get a cloth wet."
Starbuck focused on doing what he was asked, handing Jake the cloth which he used to wipe the mud and soot away from the port in Rene's arm. He wanted to reach out a hand to her, but he suddenly needed one hand for the wall to keep himself upright and the other to cover his mouth as a barking cough crawled up his throat. He found himself doubled over, a sharp pain in his ribs and his back aching. Jake waited until he was done before he waved the biomonitor over him and frowning at the results, then reached out a hand to his arm to guide him closer. Jake took a quick swipe with the rag at the port in his arm.
"Can you tell me what they did and what this does?" Jake patted the counter on the other side of the sink, and Starbuck hopped up on his medic's makeshift exam table. He tried to explain what he could, how he had felt the wires go in and the seizure that had shaken Rene. When he got to the part about how the Blue caped robot could shut down his muscles, Jake froze and gave Starbuck his full attention asking him to detail again what happened as the young man worked at gently cleaning up around the port.
Once clean, Jake took the plastic wrap from Starbuck's hands and began wrapping it around his arm, making sure he had a good seal around the port.
"I don't want that thing in my arm." Starbuck groused as Jake wrapped the plastic tight. "Get it out."
"I don't have the instruments or scanners that I need for that," he said absently, wrapping the plastic even tighter. "Going to have to wait for the Life Center for that, unless you want to risk paralysis."
"What if they're tracking us with it?" It seemed more than possible and he shuddered as he wondered again about the range on the switch for pain.
"Lesser of two evils right now. You're already a little deficient in your thinking capacity. I don't want to pull on a wire and have it come out with what's left of your puny brain on it."
He hoped it was just the suggestion of his words that immediately made his brain start to itch. He reached up to scratch at his scalp, feeling the mud in his hair. Jake turned to wrap the port in Rene's arm. She followed the commands given, but was still silent, her eyes looking around the room trying to take it all in.
"How is she? The baby?"
"Still there and she's about as good as you are, which isn't as good as I'd like, but once we get some food in you two and some rest, things might be better. I'll be happier when we get back to the Galactica Life Center. She's not bleeding so they didn't do too much damage, but we have no idea what they did or what a brain scan can do to a baby and I don't think she's going to answer too many questions." Jake looked to Starbuck with a grim expression far too much like Doctor Salik's before he gave bad news.
"She's not said much since the brain scan," he told Jake and who nodded as he took the information in.
"The doc on the Zakar checked us all out when Dante rescued us from Caprica. He said the cylons have a way of tapping into the neocortex."
"Yeah, we know that," Starbuck said remembering Cree and how the cadet seemed diminished after his time in captivity. It took sectars before the young man seemed to be alive inside again, his eyes vacant and distant most days. "They dig through our memories to find what they want."
"Yeah, but do you know that it's also the part of the brain that controls speech? It's why Nik is so quiet. Had to relearn how to talk."
"Oh frack." He looked to Rene, worried it might be a long time before she was herself. He already missed her voice. "So, what do we do?"
"We go slow, right Rene?" She looked to him with a blank stare. Jake held up three fingers. "So easy stuff first. How many?"
She looked down and fumbled with her hands for a moment before she slowly held up three fingers and Jake shook his head. "Nope, you need to say it. How many?"
She tried twice, stuttering, and Starbuck breathed a sigh of relief when the words came out. "Three." He tried not to chuckle at the irony as three was exactly the number of words she had said so far.
"Good, see, easy. Now count backwards from ten." She closed her eyes and Starbuck was worried that she would remain silent, but she complied in a soft voice without pausing before opening her eyes again, a small spark shining in the depths of the blue, or maybe that was the spark in his own? He wanted to reach out and touch her, but aware that she might not know who he was made him shy with Jake there. It would break him if she flinched again.
"Now the hard stuff. Where are we?"
Rene looked around the room again, took in the fixtures and the artwork on the walls. He and Jake watched the thoughts roil like storm clouds in her eyes. She didn't answer and it was Jake that reached out a hand, stroking her cheek to draw her attention back to him.
"Come on baby, you got this, and if you don't, that's okay too. I know how tough you are. We've been through worse."
She nodded as she leaned into his touch. Her voice was nearly a whisper as she answered, "Caprica."
Jake's other hand was suddenly on Starbuck's thigh and squeezing hard, letting Starbuck know just how worried the young man had been.
"Okay, good. That's good. You'll be better with some sleep, but let's get you cleaned up first and then some meds in you. Whatever you two picked up on your swim is not letting go."
"I can get her cleaned up," Starbuck quickly reassured Jake.
The look Jake gave him wasn't critical, more of quick scan to make sure Starbuck was up to the task before he nodded and turned back to Rene. "I think your husband would like me to leave the room now." Jake gently touched her hand before he turned to leave.
"Kenan?" Her voice was soft and confused.
Jake froze at the word. He slowly turned but looked to Starbuck first, fear in his eyes, before turning back to Rene. "No," he said slowly, "Kenan's dead. You know that, right?"
Starbuck thought the words harsh and blunt. A puzzled look scrunched up Rene's brow before she nodded and whispered softly, "Oh…um…right. Yeah…right." She winced and looked away, but Jake tracked her eyes. The answer didn't seem to satisfy him
"You know who this guy is, right?" He gestured to Starbuck and Rene nodded, her brow still furrowed. Starbuck held his breath, wondering how far gone her mind was, fearing that it might be more than a momentary lapse. He had to wonder, was it just from her fever or from the cylon scans? Would sleep help or not?
"Okay, so tell me who he is? I need you to say his name," Jake demanded and Rene's brow furrowed deeper as her eyes narrowed. It almost looked painful as she tried to bring the word forward to her lips. "Relax, don't force it," he whispered.
She huffed a breath in frustration before trying again. She didn't manage his name, instead whispering, "A pretty boy?"
Jake snorted a laugh looking to Starbuck as he sighed, "You know that's an insult, right?"
Starbuck didn't try to hide his smile. Her answer was so much like the Rene he knew. "She can insult me as much as she wants. I'm still staying right here."
Jake looked back to Rene, her face lined in confusion. "It's alright. We'll work on names tomorrow and he's friendly enough for a pretty boy. I'll be right outside if you need me."
"We'll be fine," Starbuck replied suddenly uncomfortable with the fact that Rene may not be exactly clear who he was and what he meant to her, but she seemed to remember her old boyfriends.
Jake nodded looking very tired. "I'll still be right outside. I'll see if I can find something clean for you two to wear. And try to keep the water off the wires. Not sure where they go and what they're for." Jake pointed to the ports on their arms, now protected by a layer of plastic wrap.
"Still don't agree with leaving them in," Starbuck groused, but his eyes were on Rene.
"Not your call. I'm the medic." Jake forced some authority into his voice before he turned away, softly closing the door behind him. Starbuck listened for the click of the latch before he reached for Rene's tunic. "We'll take it off nice and easy, Pretty Lady." She was quiet and compliant as he slid her arms out of the sleeves, and got her to stand up to slide her pants off her body. His own body ached as he slid off his own clothes. He expected to be as bruised as an Orion hasher, but the ache was deeper inside him, and there didn't appear to be a mark on him. He hastily examined Rene to find that other than the port in her arm, she too was unmarked. She was far too thin for someone who was with child, the weight loss making her growing belly more pronounced.
He had turboed with Rene at least a dozen times, but somehow this was different and awkward. It crossed his mind more than once that in her mind she might be washing up with a stranger, or so she acted, blushing when he got her in the turbo and began to lather up the soap. He tried not to think too much as his hands ran over her body and she trembled. He found himself softly uttering, "Sorry," more than a few times as the touch became intimate.
Rene seemed content to remain in the turbo with him while he cleaned himself up. Once he got the mud out of his hair, he finally broke down, pulling her into his arms muttering again, "I'm so sorry." She didn't resist his hold on her and he wanted to keep her in his arms until the warm water ran out, but it was selfish. There were others who needed to clean up. He shut off the turbo and helped Rene out, talking to her gently as if she were a child as he helped to towel her off. "There we go, clean as can be expected. Then we'll get some sleep and in the morning, this will be behind us and we can go home." He hoped the words would become truth.
Jake had entered the room at some point unnoticed, and was leaning against the closed door, coveralls in his hand. Starbuck wanted to say something, to at least point out that it was impolite to be spying on them, but Jake's eyes told Starbuck to keep his mouth shut. He looked like a medic, not the least bit concerned about seeing the two in an embrace. He was seeing them as friends he cared about and needed help or so Starbuck thought. Family, he realized. Not the normal kind, no that wasn't what would have worked for any of them he understood as he remembered back to the Rats all sleeping in a pile that first night on the Galactica.
The copper squadron didn't understand boundaries, not with each other. They touched and punched and hugged and shared. The kids called all of them mom and dad and many of their clothes and personal items were passed around the family. He'd even discovered that not just Jake knew the code to their quarters, but Crius did too, and Max. Nothing was sacred to any of them, certainly not privacy. Starbuck suddenly wondered how far the intimacy went within the family. Had Rene been with more than Jake? He knew the answer was probably yes as Gage was part of the family now and Max had thought he'd be the one conceiving a child with Rene next had they stayed on Dilmun. Who had Rene been with, and Jake and Crius and…and…and right now it didn't matter. He was tired and hurting with his own thinking scrambled. He was just happy to be out of a cell and away from the maniac machines. Whatever had happened in the past wasn't important. They had made it out alive and that was all that mattered. Maybe even when they got back it wouldn't be important. They were family and he thought he could forgive and forget all of that as long as they were back together.
Jake didn't say a word as he handed the coveralls to Starbuck and reached out a hand to Rene's arm to steady her as Starbuck slid the clothes on her, forgetting to be concerned about being naked. He dressed himself last, then made a point of folding the towels to put them on the bar.
"Come on. I've got us a warm place by the fire, but first…" Jake held up two hypos, pressing on to Rene's neck before he administered one to Starbuck. As they started to walk out, Rene turned back, muttering softly, "Boots."
"Boomer swears we're safe here." But she was insistent, her voice rising in volume, "Boots!"
"The lady gets what the lady wants," Starbuck said reaching for their boots, happy to hear another word from her lips. He helped Rene into hers, before donning his own before he pulled her into his arms as she sagged in exhaustion. She snuggled into him and he knew she was too warm, but he finally felt the chill leave him with her in his arms. She had to know who he was and where she belonged.
"Come on," Jake said pulling gently at Starbuck's arm and leading them back down the hallway. He got the two of them settled on the sofa, piling blankets on them. Starbuck closed his eyes wrapping his arms tightly around Rene before they suddenly flew open. "The kids?"
"Down in the hangar with their families. I'm going to check on them before I get some sleep."
Starbuck nodded sleepily as he mumbled, "Thanks." He felt Jake's hand on his head and he opened his eyes to look around the room memorizing it. "It's been a nice dream," he whispered and hoped he'd still be here when he was done dreaming.