He intended for them to spend the rest of the cycle in the celestial dome until they would be missed for dinner, but Rene's chrono chiming jolted him awake. The insistent beeping had entered his dreams, reminding him of the machines of the Life Center and the terror of Salik whisking away his wife. With his heart pounding, he struggled to get out of a bed, but a weight held him down. He pushed it away before realizing that it was warm and trying to comfort him.

"It's okay. You're okay," a familiar voice cooed to him as he wiped at his face, trying to wipe away the memory.

"Where did you get that chrono? I lost mine and am happy to have it gone," he barked, but her warm hand rubbing his chest reminded him of the blissful moment they had just shared. She didn't deserve his anger. He stared up at the stars and took a deep breath trying to get his heart to slow down. "Get rid of it. I don't have to go anywhere until a sealing according to the Commander."

"That must be n…nice," she tried to purr, "but I have an appointment I have to keep."

"Cheating on me already?" He meant it to be a joke, but she shifted, her eyes meeting his, her features serious.

"Dixon. I'm supposed to meet with him and the Doc wants another look at me to make sure I'm following his treatment plan."

"Oh," Starbuck sighed. Considering they fell asleep pretty quickly after making love, he realized they were worn out. He figured the Doc wouldn't be happy with what they had done. They both were still feeling the effects of Caprica and he knew radion poisoning took a while to recover from, but he wasn't in a hurry for another lecture from Salik. He had no intention of heading back to the duty office, not in his half inebriated state, but if not there, then where would he go?

"You sure?" After experiencing Dixon for the first time, especially the way the man read him like a deep scan from a fully functional warbook, he didn't feel like spending more time with the man.

She quirked an eyebrow at him. "You were dying to know what we talked about. Now you d..don't?" Rene read his hesitation. "Dixon said he wanted to talk to you too. I c…could use som..some company."

He pulled away, looking to find the uniforms they had shed. It had been a nice reprieve, but it seemed there would be no escaping dealing with what had happened to them. He reached for his tunic, but it slipped from his hand, his grip still not what it should be. He cursed violently, a string of expletives worthy of Max or Sagan himself. He tried to pick up his pants and couldn't explain why instead of pulling them on, he was flinging them as hard as he could against the console for the dome. The buckle to his holster made contact with the metal, ringing loudly as it dug a ding in the smooth surface.

"Starbuck?" Rene asked, tentatively reaching for his hand. "What did I do wrong?"

He growled in frustration, "You didn't do anything wrong! Why is it that every time I get mad it has to have something to do with you? For the thousandth time, I can just be mad if I want to be!"

He whirled on her, but the look of confusion in her eyes and her hands up in surrender was like the winds of arcta pouring down on him. He turned away running his hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry. I…I don't know what's…in my head right now. I'm just tired of not being able to grip things and…" He reached for the bottle on the floor, knowing he looked ridiculous standing there nude in the starlight downing what was left of the ambrosia. He almost choked on the smooth liquor as he wondered if Apollo could see him from the Zakar. He considered waggling his butt at his friend.

A soft hand touched his back and he let the touch soothe him. Her fingers softly traced something and he held back a shiver. Her touch became firmer as fingertips turned into hands rubbing.

"I know. It's okay. I understand. The…the engines do it to me. They sound like the drone of a ce..ce..centurion. It's okay."

"That's not it!" he growled, tossing the bottle. He hadn't meant to outright lie to her, he just hadn't realized that was what it was until she said it. Thankfully the bottle stayed intact as it bounced across the floor, making his scene a little less dramatic. Her hands paused and he thought he could feel one tremble, but she didn't move away. She moved closer, wrapping her arms around him, pressing her naked body into his. Her warmth was enticing and his own body responded as her hands moved smooth and gentle up his chest.

"We're safe here, just you and me and the stars."

Her voice was seductive as she used his own line on him. He tried to push out the thought that this must be how she handled Dante, offering herself to soften his psychotic anger. He winced as the image entered his mind of her with that boray. Her hands froze. They remained on his chest, but he could feel her pull away just a little, as if ready to flee if necessary. "Can she read my mind? No, just my moods," he remembered back to one of the conversations he had with Dixon about the things Rene had learned to survive in Dante's insane fleet. "She doesn't need this now. None of us do." He chastised himself, trying to relax, letting his shoulders drop a little. She moved closer, her arms becoming tighter around him.

"It's okay handsome. You got ambushed by the commander. You have a right to be mad." Her voice had changed from the seductive purr to something that sounded more like herself.

He sucked in a deep breath and looked up to the stars before he spoke. He reached for her hand on his chest, needing to keep her there. "I'm not mad. It's okay. I'm not thrilled about dealing with the IFB, but we knew we'd have to eventually and at least we get a nice party out of it this way. No, I guess…" he grasped for something to tell her that would make his outburst not seem so childish and brutish. "Guess the radion got me worse than I thought. And the, um, the exercise. I'm just tired."

"I know," she said laying her head on his back for a moment before pulling away.

He watched her reach for her own clothing first, pulling on the pants that were ridiculously too large in the thighs and had to be folded to fit in her boots. Warriors uniforms weren't sized to accommodate for her growing belly and he wondered what she would do when they didn't fit at all. The notoriously male dominated Galactica had never dealt with a pregnant warrior, at least not any Starbuck could recall. Once a warrior became pregnant, they usually resigned or were transferred to a shore duty desk job where the shapeless tunic dress could be worn. As far as he knew, Rene might be the first for the Galactica. His fellow pilots had been downright squeamish when he and Rene had ran through the physical training in the gym before going to Caprica. He was looking forward to seeing how uncomfortable they would be when Rene was really showing and doing her new job, prepping their vipers for launch. He chuckled at the look of shock he imagined on Greenbean's face.

"It isn't funny," she said softly.

He blushed as he turned away realizing he was being rude just watching her struggle into her pants, and he reached for his own. This time he could easily hold onto them, getting them on without throwing a tantrum. He still didn't want to go face the fleet, but he wouldn't be facing them alone. He tugged on his tunic as he mumbled, "Do I really have to talk with Dixon? I'm sorry I made you start to see him."

Rene looked up from her efforts to pull on her boots. "Are you? Why? It helps."

"Does it?"

Her questioning eyes turned dark and probing. He knew he was being hypocritical, but then again, it hadn't been his idea exactly that she talk to Dixon. He hadn't supported the efforts to get her there, but he hadn't rescued her either.

Realization that she knew he might be scared of the man swept across her features like the red eye of a centurion. He could almost hear the drone and It was too hard for him to take. He sat down beside her to pull on his own boots so he didn't have to deal with the emotions flickering across her face or the accusation he could imagine roiling in those expressive eyes.

"Starbuck?"

He sighed, but didn't answer her. He looked up searching for the Zakar.

"It helps," she said softly trying to engage him, but he just shook his head and went back to concentrating on getting on his boots.

"You don't have to talk about things you don't want to. And he doesn't judge. He…he doesn't make me feel bad for what I had to do on the Zakar and Dilmun. It helps me to not feel so guilty for…for being with him…Dante… or for…" her voice fell to an almost inaudible whisper despite the fact it was just the two of them in the dome, "killing him and the others."

His hands froze on the buckles to his boots. They had never spoken about that moment in Dante's office when she had taken a blaster to the face of Agenor and his buddy. Not once had he even suspected she felt guilty. Maybe she really could read his thoughts. Her memory was starting to come back, but was that necessarily a good thing? He would pay all the cubits they could make on their black market goods to make his own memories of that day go away. While he believed that Dante deserved to die, Agenor was a different story. Sure, the man deserved some sort of punishment, but he was unconscious and unarmed when Rene had killed him and Starbuck had a hard time thinking of it as anything other than murder.

But he sucked in a breath. He knew more now of how Agenor abused Rene. No, not the whole story, but enough to know he would have done the same knowing what he knew now. She shouldn't feel guilty. There were plenty of others in their fraked up fleet that should have put a stop to it. He looked to his wife, her eyes dark and stormy.

"He had it coming and had he lived to be here in the fleet, I would have killed him. But we both know that here in the Fleet, we wouldn't be getting a party for it."

They were silent for a moment and his hand reached out for hers. He squeezed it and looked up to the warships above. While they blocked the view of the stars, he found he enjoyed seeing them there. He looked to the Zakar and he wasn't sure what made him voice the question Apollo had posed, if it was the sight of the shiny hull after the repairs had been completed, or the comfort of his hand in hers, but his mouth moved ahead of his brain. "Apollo wants us to move to the Zakar."

He expected her to pull away but instead she gripped his hand hard.

"All of us, or just us?"

He was surprised at how easily the lie slid from his lips. "All of us."

Maybe it was self-preservation that made the words flow so easily, or maybe he was just too tired for the fight that the truth would start. It wasn't just because he was jealous, he wasn't, not really. He just wanted to find out what Rene would be like without the Rats around. She was different when she was alone with him and at this point he was so damned tired that he just didn't want to share her anymore, so he let the lie hang there between them.

She was quiet and he jumped into the void. "You don't have to decide now or anything. He just offered and I thought…but I'm not sure how the others will feel and we should probably get through this sealing first and then…then we can decide. We don't have to, I just thought…" he let his words trail off as he got to his feet and helped her up. "We should go and we can talk about it later, I mean, much later, I just thought…"

He finally met her eyes expecting to find the blue seas to be have a storm ready to crash down on him, but they were calm still waters.

"Might be a good idea. It would get us t away from Adama and having to live so close to Command. They were never going to let us keep the council chambers anyway and we could carve out some spaces in the corridors. It would be nice to be away from Athena and Bojay judging us, well the rats anyway."

He nearly bit his tongue as his brain clamped his mouth shut before he could voice his thoughts. "That's not what I meant." Instead he nodded a couple of times like the fool he was.

"We can talk about it later." He ended the discussion and turned for the hatch. Today was not shaping up to be a good day. The roar of the engines chased away the last of the buzz he had going, leaving him feeling wrung out and hung over. He led Rene back to the quieter corridors of the Galactica and to the far more quiet confines of the Life Center. He figured Salik would be easier to deal with first. While he wasn't looking forward to another lecture, the answer's Salik would want were safer, usually of the "Yes sir. No sir" variety. If he got lucky, it would just be Rene subjected to the questioning.

He had pushed his luck too far and all bets were off. The doc wasn't content with just checking out Rene, but insisted on taking a look at him too. Salik glared at the readings before fixing his ire on Starbuck. "I don't recommend you drinking on duty, Lieutenant. I was considering on clearing you for flight status. Plus, it's not a good idea to be getting drunk around those who shouldn't be drinking. Does he taunt you often?" Salik asked Rene who had the decency to look away and not answer.

"Blame the Commander and the IFB," Starbuck replied, "Oh, and be nice or I won't invite you to my sealing."

"You're already sealed," the doc scoffed, "and you need to start acting like a husband and a warrior."

"Thought I was," was the only retort he could find before he looked around to make sure Cassie wasn't on duty then explained, "Well the IFB didn't get their inside scoop so we are going to be doing it again, live and in technicolor. I'll get you a front row seat."

"And they didn't think to clear this with me? She's still under my care and she does nothing…I mean nothing…without my clearance. Understood, Fly Boy? Keep it in your pants and your liquor on the shelf. Biomonitors don't lie," Salik said waving the device in his face, explaining that he knew everything that had gone on that day even if he didn't know why.

"You just said I was cleared."

"I said I was thinking about it. Just for that, I'm not. See me tomorrow."

The Doctor turned to Rene, giving her a much kinder farewell. "The baby is looking good, but you are very underweight for four sectares so see that you eat. You need more rest and fluids. Don't push it and if he gives you any problems, I can seal him up in a biobed for a cycle or two."

She chuckled and it was nice to hear. He wanted to enjoy the sound, but Dixon walked in the door. Klaxons were ringing in his ears and his brain scrambled like a pilot to the call for battle, trying to come up with some way out of this meeting. Once again, Dixon read him like a marked deck.

"I thought you might skip out on me, and I have a full schedule. I knew you would at least keep the appointment with the doctor. Thanks for not making me track you down." Dixon pointed indelicately to Rene's stomach. "Where do you want to meet, here or your quarters?"

Starbuck looked to Rene in surprise. He'd always assumed Rene met the man at his office and didn't realize the two might meet alone in their own quarters. "Where do you do this?" he asked her in confusion.

Her shrug left him even more perplexed. Before he could ask again, Dixon solved the dilemma.

"How about your quarters. You'll be more comfortable."

"I don't want to be comfortable," Starbuck snapped, not sure why, and wished he hadn't as Dixon cocked his head at him and took a step back. The man lowered his head for a moment, seeming to curse before he looked up and took a step forward, his hand outstretched.

"Let me start over. It's good to see you, Starbuck. How are you doing today?"

Starbuck stared at the outstretched hand for moment before shaking it. He appreciated that the man realized he'd been rude and was willing to try a different approach.

"I just found out I get to be the main attraction at an IFB circus, and I'm not cleared to fly yet, but other than that, I'm good. And you?"

Dixon didn't let go of his hand right away, and Starbuck wondered if he would have to jerk it back. The hold became awkward before Dixon let it go slowly, taking a step back. "I think you might need to explain to me what that means. How about we go to your quarters and have a drink?"

"I thought you were here for Rene?" Starbuck lobbed it out trying one last time to get out of the meeting. He could do without the psychoanalysis. He'd had more than his fair share back when he was a ward of the state and especially after he'd applied for the academy. His secondary school career counsellor had questioned his choice, bringing up his juvenile record and his impulsive nature. Starbuck had flipped the narrative on the woman, reminding her he was an orphan and therefore no one would miss him when he was lost in battle. His point had earned him a full blown psych eval before the school would even consider submitting his transcripts. He'd aced the evaluation, but only because he'd spent days studying up for it. Today, he was tired, half buzzed, and he knew his surliness was uncharacteristic of him. He already felt bad for his behaviour back in the dome and sure as hades didn't need his current attitude documented.

Dixon was still staring at him intently as he answered, "I am here for both of you today. Plus, you are part of her life and I've met with many of the others in your family. I thought it might be time we talked, now that you have experienced some of the same trauma she has."

The information that Dixon had met with some of the rats felt like reaching for a switch on your control panel to trip a shorted circuit. A bit of a shock, but he should have expected it.

Before he could answer, Dixon checked his chrono. "I promise I will keep it short. My schedule is packed today." The man turned assuming acquiescence and headed for their quarters.

"He doesn't bite," Rene whispered as Starbuck hesitated to follow.

"Not so sure about that," he mumbled under his breath. He didn't want to do this, but he did want a drink, and since he wasn't cleared for duty, he could have more than a few. "Please tell me you have some of that fine ambrosia in our quarters?"

She didn't answer him as she took his hand and they followed Dixon to their quarters. It was a longer walk than Starbuck thought it was, or maybe it was the strange looks he was getting from the other warriors curious as to who was the civilian who seemed to be in charge.

Once at their quarters, Dixon let Starbuck key the door open before entering and surveying the room. Rene said he didn't judge, but he was certainly assessing the condition of their quarters as he spun around. It was clean for once, thanks to someone in the family who had been thoughtful enough to have it ready for their release from the Life Center.

Dixon took a seat at the table closest to the door, pulling out a datapad from his jacket pocket. "Have a seat and we can get started."

"Let me get that drink for you," Starbuck stalled as he headed towards their small food prep area. He thought the counsellor would wait for his return before beginning, but he was wrong.

"So how did you sleep?" Dixon asked loudly so he could be heard in the other room.

Starbuck didn't hear Rene's actual reply, only enough to realize she hadn't answered with a simple one word answer. Where the hades had her code gone when he needed it most? Admit nothing, deny everything. The least she could do was shift the blame. They had just been released from the Life Center just yesterday for Sagan's sake.

He found a bottle of ambrosia, not as good as the one he'd had earlier, but it would suffice. He wasn't going for a drink he could savour anyway, just one high enough in alcohol content to make this easier. The cheap stuff would do. He poured a glass and shot it down before refilling the glasses and carrying them into the room. He set them on the table and headed back into the food prep area for some juice for Rene, grabbing some fruit, and wondering if he could just hide in the kitchen for a while, but Dixon's voice called out to him again.

"So how did you sleep, Starbuck?"

He sighed and came out to find Rene sitting on the sofa. He answered the doctor as he handed Rene the glass and the fruit. "Good. Fine. Not like we were alone, so I guess as well as expected."

He ordered Rene with a stern look to actually eat the fruit, not just play with it. He considered sitting on the sofa with her, he could broadcast answers by squeezing her hand, but that position would leave him in the direct firing range of Dixon. Instead he chose the seat at the table beside the man. It put his back against the wall, making him feel a bit safer, and the exit readily available if necessary. He took a deep drink from his glass before looking to Dixon.

The counsellor's brow furrowed. "So Jake did stay?"

"Him and a few others," Rene answered.

"Yeah, we had a sleepover. Some from the mission and Nik," Starbuck added.

"I see," Dixon said as he typed something into the data pad before looking up to Starbuck. "Did that help? To sleep I mean."

"Yeah, I guess. Felt like being back in the blue squadron bunkroom. It's not like we invited them to or anything. They just showed up."

"Interesting," Dixon said and typed something else into his pad.

"It's not like we needed them to do that. We were fine. We can sleep alone," Starbuck added, surreptitiously looking over to the pad to see if he could see what the man was typing.

"But it helped?" Dixon's gaze was fixed on his pad as he continued typing.

"Yeah, I guess," Starbuck answered vaguely. He didn't know why Apollo chose to stay the night, nor why he brought Boomer. It had seemed right at the time, but now he realized how it could be interpreted, that he was having problems, maybe even was scared and needed backup. The truth was that in the standard Colonial environment, adults of the same sex didn't have sleepovers. But in a society of Rats, things were different. Rene's Rat-like tendencies had worn off on him, not that he minded.

"No nightmares or dreams?"

Starbuck had no intention of sharing the visions that haunted his sleep, of wires and needles shining menacingly in the light. Instead he shrugged and looked to Rene who answered, "No, but I'm still floating on a lot of medications."

"Yes, I saw the list. But most of them should be out of your system soon. You haven't," he paused before looking up from his pad to Rene, "self medicated from your personal pharmacy, have you?"

She shook her head. "No, I haven't been alone."

"And she won't be for a long while," Starbuck added pointedly

Dixon ignored Starbuck's comment as he focused on Rene. "We have talked about how you think it helps you, when you can manage it. Do you want to quit, or are you just being forced to?"

Rene shrugged, then started to speak when Starbuck cut her off. "She wants to quit. For the baby."

Dixon quirked an eyebrow at him before looking back down to his data pad typing something as he asked Rene, "Do you want the others around or do you want to be alone?"

Rene started to answer, but Starbuck interrupted her again. "She's needs to be with someone all the time for now. To make sure she eats and doesn't take anything she shouldn't."

Dixon cocked an eyebrow at Starbuck before turning back to Rene. "Is this a problem? Do we need to meet alone?"

"I can leave if you want." Starbuck started to get up from his chair in relief. It was the exit he was looking for, but Dixon snapped his fingers at him and pointing down, ordering him to remain seated. He groaned as he retook his seat before looking to his wife, irked that she wasn't following his lead.

Rene's lips twisted into a sadistic grin as she said, "It's not a problem. He's just mad he got co…co…co …frak!" She squinted her eyes hard in frustration.

Starbuck started to say that he wasn't mad, but Dixon rudely snapped a finger at him for a second time before turning his hand into a sign to halt.

"Can you think of the word, Rene?"

"If she keeps the words small…" Starbuck started to explain for Rene, but Dixon snapped his fingers at him again. The memory of Dante ordering around his wife like a slave shot up his spine, launching off memories of other leaders he had encountered with the same bad habit. He wasn't a daggit and if Dixon snapped that finger again, Starbuck was going to break it. This man was no IL and he could easily take him down.

He winced at his own thought as he watched what was becoming a familiar struggle for Rene, trying to force out words without a stutter.

"I know the word. It just won't…like it gets stuck between here," she tapped the side of her head, then her lips, "and here."

"Can you type it out?" Dixon handed her the datapad.

She took the device but didn't type the word right away, reading instead what was on the screen. She shook her head no before typing more than just a word on the datapad. Starbuck was suddenly wary about what was transpiring between the two.

"Do I get to read it too or is this something private? You need me to leave?" Starbuck asked, trying to keep the sarcasm from his voice and failing miserably.

Ignoring him for a moment, Dixon took the pad from Rene, read what she wrote, and turned to Starbuck. "I asked her if she was okay with you and if you were a problem. She says she's fine, but you are angry about being coerced by the commander into a public sealing filmed by the IFB. Is that an accurate assessment of what is going on here?"

"Yes, no, I don't know, I don't hurt my wife!" He added extra emphasis to the words "my wife", but Dixon held up the hand again.

"I had to be sure since you answered for her. She has a right to speak her own mind."

"I know that!" he grumbled before slumping back in his seat and taking a sip of his drink to cool his anger. This wasn't going well and he knew he needed to get his attitude in check if he wanted to see a viper any time soon. Same old problem, different cycle, his mouth that ran faster than his mind. So he gave his mouth something to do as he took another sip of ambrosia.

"So the IFB got what they wanted, is that where this anger is coming from?" Dixon asked.

"I'm not angry," Starbuck said looking at Rene and trying to convey to her to keep her opinion to herself. "I'm not. I didn't expect it, but I guess I should have. I'm a bit annoyed at myself about that, but the Commander's right, it would be good for the fleet and we get a lot out of it. I just would have liked to be asked, not blindsided."

"And if you were asked, what w…would you have s..said?" Rene asked softly.

"I would have said no. We're sealed and it's nobody's business!" Starbuck's voice rose slightly, and he cursed inwardly as Rene looked away and Dixon began typing away at his pad.

"Frak, sorry," he mumbled shaking his head. "I'm just tired. Radion poisoning, remember?"

Other than the sound of Dixon tapping on the keys of his data pad, the room remained quiet. Starbuck swirled the amber liquid in his glass before taking another drink hoping it would take the edge off. He felt the acrid liquid burn its way down, chasing away the electric tingle in his nerves.

"Is that helping?" Dixon looked up fixing a hard look on him.

"Yeah, it is." He nearly sneered the words, before finishing off the glass and setting it down hard on the table. "I'm off flight status right now, and the Commander gifted me the bottle in case you were wondering."

Dixon typed a few more words then flipped his pad over before looking up to him. Starbuck expected to see the usual annoyance that he could instil in authority figures, but the counsellor's expression was neutral. It let him know he was already fracked. He wouldn't be flying anytime soon.

Dixon nodded slowly, "I'm sorry. I think I need to explain something to you. I am not evaluating you for flight status or anything related to your military service. I am here because they requested it to help you deal with the trauma you have experienced. I do not report back to anyone in your command and what we discuss is confidential. If having your friends sleep here helps you cope, then that is a good thing. If having a few drinks, or an illegal substance or two on occasion helps, then that is a good thing. My questions are not to condemn you, they are to help me to help you. I am going to warn you that alcohol and drugs, while they may mask some of the pain, doesn't make it go away. Sometimes it only delays the inevitable, of having to deal with what has happened, but," Dixon paused and reached for his own drink, taking a healthy swallow, "But you know yourself better than anyone else. I would just like to get to know you and offer assistance."

Starbuck glared at the man for a moment before replying. "Is that the same felgercarb you gave Rene when you forced her over to the Zakar and into the Bastard's office. Because the way I heard it you manhandled her into that room."

"I see," Dixon said slowly before setting his glass down and sitting forward in his chair as if to get closer to Starbuck. "My methods were a little different with Rene because she is a different person and we were at a crisis situation. I assume you want her alive and not harming herself?"

"Yeah, that would nice." He tried to scrape the sarcasm from the words, but his attitude still clung to them.

"And I'm assuming a few people would like you to stay alive and not harm yourself."

Dixon kept his focus on him and he felt like a raider was on his tail that he couldn't shake loose. He found himself shifting in his seat, pulling away.

"Yeah I guess, but I'm fine."

"Of course you are. You were just held against your will on a planet high in radion, captured by the enemy, tortured, and then ran through a wildfire, crashed a viper and was pulled through an anomaly no one seems to understand but your wife, then spent a secton in the life center only to be ambushed by the IFB. Of course you're fine. You're the legendary Starbuck. It's watching your wife go through the same thing that's the problem if my guess is right."

Starbuck gasped, then closed his eyes trying not to shudder as he remembered the screams, rising and falling, the helplessness as he was dragged, and the hollow feeling of despair when he woke in a cell alone, not knowing how long he had been there. Even worse was the terror of when they ripped Rene away from him again as he lay convulsing on the floor trying to get to her. He swallowed the sensation to scream before opening his eyes again, expecting to find Dixon staring at him, but the man had looked away towards Rene.

The man's voice was soft as he asked her, "Can you give us a centon or two? I'll look for you in the council chambers."

Starbuck wanted to call out to her, to tell Rene to stay, that it was okay, but he couldn't find his voice as he watched her get up and silently leave the room abandoning him to the counsellor.

But once the door slid closed he found it surprisingly easier to breathe.

Dixon reached to pour the rest of the liquid in his glass into Starbuck's. "I don't usually drink. Once I start, I don't stop. How is she? She's too quiet. I'm worried about her." His voice had changed sounding more soft and low, as if they were close friends. Starbuck wondered if he should be wary, but Dixon sounded sincere.

"Yeah, so am I," he said staring at the alcohol in his glass, debating taking another drink.

"How do you think she's doing?" Dixon asked.

He sighed and shook his head, appreciating that this was more of what he would like to discuss, someone other than himself.

"The Cylons messed with her head. Her memory is spotty and she's not talking much." The conversation was a territory where he felt more comfortable, but he was still wary where it was headed.

"I don't think it's the Cylons' fault. I've been reading up on what we know about their brain scans. It causes some short term memory loss, but not usually long term, in fact, quite the opposite. It brings things forward that might be behind you. People have reported getting lost in the memories, distracted by them, but they are there. Ensign Cree recalled everything that happened to him. I think Rene's memory loss is a self-imposed disability. It's how she copes. She did it before this, repressing her childhood memories and those dealing with Commander Dante. She lives in the moment, not a bad trait, except when the moment is not pleasant. Plus, you can't really evade your past forever, can you?"

"No, I suppose not." On that comment, Starbuck did take a drink in an effort to avoid talking about his own past.

"Do you remember what happened?"

It was an easy answer to give, requiring no detail as he didn't have much to give. "Yeah, for what I was conscious for. They hadn't gotten to messing with my mind yet. Just…pain then…" He turned the shudder into a shrug as he remembered how he listened hard for Rene's screams when they had ceased, the cold fear that she was gone.

"So am I right? It wasn't what happened to you but what they did to Rene that has you so…" Dixon hesitated before asking a different question, "What would you call what's going on for you today?"

Starbuck thought for a moment, swirling the liquid in his glass. "I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm…I don't know, just sick of people asking me how I'm doing." He took a deep breath, his shoulders sagging. "It was hades watching them do what they did."

"You were there for her torture?"

"Yeah, some of it."

Dixon made a point of setting the data pad on the table, pushing it out of his reach towards Starbuck. "Off the record, what happened?"

Despite his resolve to not talk to the man and avoid this meeting, instead Starbuck found himself describing to Dixon all that happened on Caprica and how many times he had almost lost Rene on the mission. He found himself trying to decide what had been worst, when he had been asleep on a cave floor and Rene had trouble breathing almost dying and he'd had no clue, or trying to resuscitate her after the fall down the cliff, or her tortured screams that grew softer until they ceased altogether.

"And what about you?" Dixon asked.

Starbuck felt almost guilty that he had come through the mission relatively unscathed. "I got sick, but so did everyone, and the Cylons…I passed out for most of it. Just painful and paralyzing, but it doesn't hurt now, just a little clumsy with my hands, but nothing permanent."

"Other than the memories?" Dixon tossed it out

Starbuck nodded slowly, but before he could speak, Dixon added, "They will fade over time. It will get easier. Just remind yourself, it's over and you are stronger for it. You saved her and yourself. Dreams are normal. It's how our brain processes what happened and prepares us to defend ourselves if it happens again."

"So that's what's going on, my brain is running its own training mission? It's one fracked up drill sergeant."

Dixon had just nodded and then asked if it was alright if he took some notes on his datapad. Starbuck found himself nodding in agreement. The man was looking down as he asked a few questions about being a pilot and the missions he had flown. He found it easier to answer without Dixon looking at him. He even found himself answering the dreaded questions about his past. Dixon didn't probe too deep so it was easy to share some of the information, and Dixon quickly brought it back to the present when he started to hesitate in his answers.

"So do I need to intervene and put a halt to the public sealing? I could easily say neither of you are up for it. It wouldn't affect your flight status."

"No, it's okay. The Commander's right, it would help the fleet to feel more united I guess. And not much would be required of us, just smiling and being in love, which we are anyway."

"What are you hoping to get out of it?" Dixon asked.

Perhaps from anyone else it would have felt like an accusation, but he recognized Rene had been right, the man wasn't judging, just trying to figure things out. Starbuck thought about it for a moment. He knew he wasn't asking a superficial question. He was looking for Starbuck's motive, and it was more than just having a good time. "To begin again, I think. To put all this behind us and move forward. To be happy for a day."

Dixon nodded. "That's a pretty normal thing to want out of a sealing day. Do you think it will do that?"

He shrugged shaking his head no at the same time. "I don't know. Maybe, I guess. The Commander is good at…at making things better so I think if we give him the chance to do that, he will."

Dixon nodded again, "Well then let's see if this works. And thank you."

"For what?"

"Confiding in me. For telling me the truth. It will go no further than this room, you have my word on that. Oh, and for the invitation. I would love to be there." Dixon looked to him, that probing scan again before smiling. "Feel better?"

Starbuck chuckled lightly before finishing off the drink in his glass. "Yeah, I do even though I've been Starbucked twice today. Thanks."

"It's what I do," Dixon said deferentially as he started to put his datapad away.

"Yeah, I've been wanting to ask about that. You really don't work for the service or the council, so why do you do it?"

Dixon paused and looked up. "I tried to kill myself before the destruction. I had a wife and a child, and I was drunk. I crashed the hovercar with them in it and I lived, they didn't. I wanted to die. I thought I was the worst person in the whole colonies and I deserved punishment. So one night I took all the pills in the house, drank all the alcohol, and woke up the next morning in a Life Center. I have no idea who called the authorities. I lived alone and the call wasn't made from my home. All I know is that I was saved and was told my life had a purpose. So I guess my redemption is that I help other people realize they have a purpose too."

Starbuck didn't know what to say. It was a horrible story, delivered in a matter of fact narration. He wondered for a moment if he should judge the man harshly for it. If he had killed his own child Starbuck knew he would never forgive himself. He might take the same option as Dixon, only he would make sure he didn't fail in his mission.

"Has Rene talked much about her past with you before the destruction?" Dixon's shift in topic startled him.

"No, not much. Why? What has she told you?" He couldn't help but to ask since Dixon seemed to be in a sharing mood.

"She has tried numerous times to end her life. Before and after she was picked up by Dante. I'm actually quite surprised she's lived this long. Her old command gave her ample means to end her existence, and from her own words, she has tried. Something keeps her from finishing the act. I'm not sure why. Do you know why?"

Starbuck shook his head, "She says she can't die. I've…" he gulped before continuing, "I've watched her try. The laser didn't fire even though she pulled the trigger."

Dixon nodded. "She claims something beyond us is keeping her alive. While I would like to know what she thinks that is, there is something I want more than that. I would love it if we got to the point where she stopped trying."

"Yeah." Starbuck felt like a weight had suddenly lifted from his shoulder. "Yeah, that would be nice."

Dixon smiled at him, before reaching a hand across the table. Starbuck took it and the two shook it as if making a pact.

"I have to go," Dixon said getting to his feet. "Busy schedule. Take it easy, don't let the IFB bully you, and call me if you need anything, I mean it, anything. I am always available, but I think you have things under control here. I'll see you at the sealing. Will you walk with me to the council chamber?"

"Yeah," Starbuck replied, realizing that he really did feel better, and it wasn't just from the drinks.

They walked side by side for the short walk, and entered the chambers to find Rene sitting at the head of the table giving orders to the rest of the Copper Squadron.

"Boomer, you have the send off, and Lizbet, you get the dresses, and Nik, make sure Jake picks the right songs, nothing too much for the stodgy Colonials, at least until we get rid of the IFB. Jonas and Max, you're in charge of rounding up all the stash and getting it to the right people, and…" She paused when she saw that Dixon was still with Starbuck.

Rene cocked her head, looking at Starbuck and smiling, seeming to be pleased at seeing the two on friendly terms.

Boomer came up to them, clapping Starbuck on the back. "So I get to plan a send off after all. This should be fun!"

"Nothing too crazy, alright. My wife will kill me."

"I was planning a poetry reading followed by religious hymns." Boomer laughed as Starbuck rolled his eyes.

Dixon excused himself, crooking a finger to call Rene over, and the two left the room. Starbuck sighed turning back to Boomer.

"So she told all of you?"

"About the sealing and the party, yes. Just so you know, she made it pretty clear, this party is for you, to pay you back for all you've done for the Rats."

"What does that mean?" Starbuck asked suspiciously, as Crius came up to them. His new wingmate laughed.

"Nothing to worry about, Bucko. Just a little payback for making us think you'd left us forever."

"Oh lords," he said looking to the door wondering if he should go check on Rene. Boomer led him over to the table.

"What kind of food do you want at the send off?"