"This is for Starbuck, Boomer and Apollo and they deserve it. I dragged them to Caprica. This is for the family, for Jake, Nik and Crius. This is for Lisbet and all the work she has done. This for the Commander who lets us keep the good quarters, and for Starbuck who rescued a bunch of kids. This is for Sheba, Athena and Dietra who were worried that Apollo and Boomer wouldn't return. This is for Boomer who was shot down, and this is for Starbuck who wound up in a Cylon cell." She kept the list running through her head as she tried to get through the meeting with the staff of the IFB. She had thought she would just be meeting with the blonde reporter, Vanna. But when she answered the door to their quarters the next morning, it was five women that walked in, carrying large data pads and mugs of java.

"Oh this will be such fun! We have so many great ideas! What do you think about a bubble machine?" Vanna was too bubbly for first thing in the cycle.

Starbuck tried to rescue Rene, mentioning they were both due in the duty office or the Life Center, but Vanna wasn't a dumb woman despite her vapid smile.

"Oh Lieutenant, we both know she's not cleared for duty. We are just going to show her ideas and make a few decisions. She'll be fine! I cleared it with the Commander. Now you run along. Planning a sealing is women's work."

Vanna had put a hand on Starbuck's arm as she guided him from the room, and lords help him if he could say no to a pretty woman who was smiling at him. In yahren's ahead that might become a problem, one Rene wasn't sure she could fix or would want to. For now, it was humorous to watch him be disarmed so easily, except in the end it left Rene at the mercy of the IFB.

"That woman must be his type," Rene realized as he had stuck to the woman's arm like burnt tylium to a turbo outtake.

She wanted to be annoyed with him, but Starbuck had been in such a better mood after talking with Dixon she didn't want to do anything to ruin it. He had returned to the council chambers actually smiling, and she had not seen the famous Starbuck smile since before she'd told him about Caprica. She wasn't sure what Dixon had done to cool the repressed rage of the notoriously hot headed Starbuck. It was the first thing she had asked the therapist when they were alone, since her tactics hadn't worked.

Dixon had just smiled while Rene cursed. It was the therapist's version of a joke and she hated his sense of humor.

"S…seriously." She winced at the stutter but it got Dixon to drop his grin.

"Seriously, he's worried about you. How is it going? Fighting the cravings? He says you don't remember much. What do you remember?"

It was too many loaded questions at once and she winced again. Dixon wasn't one for small talk, diving deep into parts of her life she thought were best left alone. Added to that, somehow he always knew when she lied to him. He would let her craft the deception, deliver it, then he would sarcastically applaud. She'd taken a swing at him a few times on the Zakar when he did that, connected each time, but it was hard to fight someone who wouldn't fight back. One time he just backed out of the room and locked her in the Commander's quarters until she was pounding on the door begging to be let out.

She stopped hitting him once they left the Zakar. She had wanted to a few times since, but had held back worried about how it might affect her warrior status. But this time she let her fists ball up knowing her flight status had been pulled even for shuttles. "Seriously, I might need to know whatever trick you used. He won't let me make it better."

"How much do you want him to know about what we talk about?"

"Nothing."

She got what he was saying when Dixon's slow smile became that same fatherly grin that Adama used on her. She had turned away, her lip curling into a snarl.

"What do you remember from Caprica? Did it make the dreams go away?" He was relentless.

She took a deep breath choking down her rage before she answered. "I told you, they never go away, they just change to something else."

He nodded and calmly asked the same question, just a different way. "What happened on Caprica? You said it wasn't like your dreams."

Her annoyance boiled over. "No one would listen to me because they are fracking Colonials and know fracking everything, so we were captured and tortured and then I had my brain probe and now my mind itches and I want to …." She paused because what she wanted to do just wasn't possible, but Dixon wasn't going to let her leave a sentence unfinished.

"What do you want, Rene?"

She shook her head no, not wanting to put words to the thought of escaping to the planet she had seen in her vision. Speaking it out loud was one step too close to doing it. But Dixon waited her out and she just wanted to get back to her kids and the others in the Council chambers.

"I want the Cylons to rust away and just for all of it to end."

Dixon closed his eyes for a moment nodding before leaning towards her. "It is okay. You made it back and you survived."

The words soothed her and she wondered briefly what Dixon had implanted in her mind during the sessions where he used hypnosis.

"So what do you want?" he asked again, "an IFB sealing?"

"No…lords no!" It came out before she put the words through her internal filter.

Dixon gave her that strange appraising scan he often did when she reacted without thinking. "So why did you agree?"

Sagan, it had been a long day already, she had just dealt with Adama alone in his office. That required her to stifle every instinct that said to fight or run. That alone was exhausting, but then the IFB woman had arrived, and the reporter's energy level was overwhelming. Then there was Starbuck and whatever had him upset worried her. Rene just wanted to curl up on the sofa and fall fast asleep with her handsome warrior husband nearby, armed to the teeth, and Jake standing guard by the door. She'd have to give Dixon some answers if she wanted to get what she wanted.

"I just couldn't deny the Commander. I…I fracked up the mission and I owe too many people. Starbuck missed his chance to be a hero so…" she shrugged. "If I do this right, which won't be hard to do with the Commander and Captain Apollo involved, it will just turn into a Colonial Warrior 'aren't we amazing' love fest and I won't have to do much but show up in a dress. Good for recruitment."

"I see," Dixon nodded. "And then you can slip away into the shadows and enjoy all that alcohol you have stockpiled. So how is giving everything up going?"

"I wasn't going to d…drink. I already got the l..lecture, with very vivid gory p…pictures, of what…what it can do to the baby. I'm clean."

She expected Dixon to do his exaggerated clapping, but he settled for slight bow of his head to acknowledge her lie. "Bravo. The question remains the same, how is it going and what do you want? This wasn't your choice, any of it."

She crinkled her nose, regretting the rant she had directed at the doctor the second day on the Zakar when she had realized he did not intend to let her go back to the Galactica that cycle, or the next. She had screamed in his face, "I have no free will! None of this is my choice!"

While he still hadn't let her leave that day, he did hear her. He had used her own words against her often since then. It reminded her to be careful with what she said to him. Instead of declaring that it was damn hard watching Starbuck down the fine ambrosia, and she had some stims stashed within easy access that she fully intended to consume in the morning, she kept that information to herself.

"I want to not have been tortured by the enemy and I want Starbuck to stop worrying."

Dixon accepted the lie this time. "He is worried, but I think he has good reasons. He said he went back because you fell down a ridge and he had to resuscitate you. That's when you were captured. Do you remember that?"

She blinked hard. No one had filled in that part of the story for her, just that the rescue of the kids hadn't gone well due to the Cylon troop carrier being full of Centurions. In hindsight, she should have asked how she had gone from the top of the ridge to the bottom. She had just assumed she'd joined in the efforts, but now it came back to her, the spray of the dirt as laser fire pounded the hillside, the warm liquid splashing her face that she now knew was Wyatt's blood. She shut down the memory before looking back to Dixon wondering how long it had taken her to answer, a micron or a centaur. His calm face gave her no answer.

"Uh, no, not that part. I was up there with a guy from Caprica and then I was being dragged into somewhere bright by the centurions. Starbuck should have left me. I mean, if I was actually dead, there was no point and if I wasn't, I could have played dead or…," she shrugged again before the reality came crashing down like the rocks of that hillside. "It was my fault."

Dixon ignored her last words, instead asking, "What happened to the guy?"

"I…he…." She just shook her head. "Bought it I guess."

Dixon nodded and thought for a moment. "What was the worst part about the mission?"

She hated it when Dixon asked that question. From the start, it was his clever way of getting her to look at things she didn't want to, and he didn't accept shrugs for answers. He would wait patiently. They had actually passed most of one session that way, him asking one question, "Was that the worst," and her just shrugging and staring him down. He'd waited at least fifteen centons before he threatened to put her on some serious meds and commit her to the life center if she didn't start talking. She didn't think he'd actually do that, but by then he knew too much and could probably make that happen.

He waited her out this time as well and she went over the events she could remember. Days were missing, or jumbled together in a strange order. She knew she'd been sick and out of it for some of the mission, and what the Cylons did was just a wave of pain and panic mostly centering around her fear that they would take the baby. Only one part of the secton was clear and vivid.

"I got Boomer shot down. He almost…" She shook her head as she felt her right hand tremble and jerk as if it were still on the stick of her viper. "It could have been ugly. It was bad. I…" Her ears were suddenly screaming from the shriek of metal scraping metal as she made contact with his viper trying to nudge the nose up to keep Boomer from becoming a projectile into the planet.

Dixon's voice was hypnotic as he said, "But he made it down. And you are not responsible for the enemy's accuracy."

"The frak I'm not! I'm the one who took him there and I'm the one who misjudged our trajectory and insertion to the planet. I should have been smarter. I should have…and the capture by the enemy and everyone getting sick and…it's my fault."

"No. We are not going to play that game, remember? It is what it is. No recriminations. You survived and that is a victory. Boomer survived. You are not responsible for the universe, Rene."

"And this is where we agree to disagree." She glared at him but it was like glaring at a wall. She was too tired to play Dixon's game. It was easier to take the blame than to pick it all apart and figure out what fit her dreams and what varied. "Look, I just want to go get some food, talk with the family about a sealing and a party and get some sleep. That is all I want, I swear. Thanks for making Starbuck better. Can I go?"

She hadn't expected Dixon to agree. He never let her off the hook that easily, but this time he nodded and said he'd talk with her in a few days. He had walked her back to the council chambers and left her with the family that was embroiled in a heated discussion about the kind of music they should play, and not play. She started to take her seat beside Starbuck, but he had reached for her, pulling her into his lap. She let him. She needed that volton smile and his strong arms around her to help push away the memory of Boomer's mangled leg and Wyatt's headless body.

She hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep until Nik was reaching for her in Starbuck's arms while Starbuck argued with Nik that he could carry her. She'd protested that she could walk, but Nik had insisted, not putting her down until they were inside her quarters with Starbuck, Jake, Boomer and Dara tagging along.

"We're good. We don't need you guys to stay," Starbuck had tried to protest, but he didn't sound that convincing to any of them. Dara had made Nik leave, but he hadn't agreed until Jake reassured him he'd be staying. Boomer had hesitated, and Rene didn't know what transpired between him and Starbuck as she'd gone to the turbo to get off the uniform that was getting tighter each day. When she came out dressed for sleep, Boomer was taking off his boots to sleep on the sofa, and Starbuck was arguing with Jake that he wasn't needed too.

"I want him to stay."

Her quiet words held a lot of weight as Starbuck immediately stopped arguing, pulled an extra blanket from the bed and tossed it at Jake. "Then he's making breakfast," he'd declared as he headed for the turbo.

When he came out, climbed over Jake on the floor and crawled into bed, he'd pulled her gently into his arms whispering in her ear, "Do I have to drag you to the dome just to get time alone with you? We are both fine and don't need them here."

For an answer she had reached up to stroke his face before kissing him deeply. She could feel him forgetting everything as he melted into her kiss, until a noise in the room from either Boomer or Jake reminded him they were not alone and he pulled away. His eyes were full of passion and regret at not being able to act on the emotion.

"It's not for us," she whispered. "It's for them. I scared him and I think Boomer feels guilty for making us contact Avery's people. He thinks it's his fault and we all know it was mine. I.."

Starbuck hadn't let her finish her words as he put a soft finger to her lips. "Okay, for them. For you." He had kissed her again before pulling her closer, nestling into her like he often did before sleep found him and he would move away, the years of sleeping alone in a small bunk making him cling to the edge of the bed.

Jake's idea of breakfast was some of the leftover baked goods from Avery's people and java. He was gone before she got out of the turbo, taking Boomer with him. She wondered if the IFB had their quarters watched because the moment that Starbuck was dressed, the door chimed and Vanna swept into the room.

The short strategy meeting that was supposed to be her just looking at ideas had turned into four centaurs. She had a raging headache and couldn't think of a way to get to the stims that might make this bearable without being noticed. Her jaw ached from gritting her teeth and she forced the list to play over in her mind. "This is for everyone. I fracked up and this is to make up for it. This is for Starbuck and..."

She'd nearly bolted for the door when it chimed, but it was just lunch being delivered. The IFB had ordered out. From where she had no idea. She didn't even know that existed in the fleet and the fresh bread and greens were nearly unheard of on the Galactica. She was starving and dug in as decisions were made around her.

"So, we have the colors and the bridesmaids and the officiant. I think we have made very good progress!" Vanna had bubbled. "If we could see the dress, that would certainly help us make some more decisions."

Rene shook her head with a mouth full of greens. That was for her and she wasn't sharing that detail until the day of the sealing. She'd have to reveal where the rest of the stash was when she got the dress and no point in doing that until the last. That and she didn't trust herself with all that ambrosia right now.

She had hoped that Vanna was done, but the reporter side of her kicked in as she interrogated Rene about her life and her past in the Colonies. Part of Rene wanted to reveal it all just to watch that pretty little face fall from the facts of her life, but she didn't want the woman's pity either.

Rene tried giving vague answers, but Vanna had pulled out a datapad and began reading off the official details.

"Oh you and Lieutenant Starbuck have so much in common. Orphaned and now your fellow warriors are your family. That will definitely play well with our audience. You both have had run ins with the law, little bandits aren't you?" Vanna had giggled at her own little scenario she was trying to create. "We will have to incorporate that somehow. Maybe towards the end of the sealing. The Lieutenant has stolen your heart away, oh yes, that will be a nice touch."

Rene cringed knowing the last thing Starbuck would want is the whole fleet knowing his juvenile record. "No. He's a hero. G…gold c…clusters." Rene struggled to get out her objection.

"Oh yes, of course! That's why we've chosen light gold and darker gold for the colors. He has saved the fleet and saved you from the Cylon attack on that system. What was it again?"

"Dilmun," one of the other women filled in.

"Yes, if it weren't for the fleet, you would have all perished."

Rene felt the rage well up. It was as far from the truth as they were from Dilmun now. They had been just fine in Dilmun until the fleet showed up and fracked up a good thing. Well, not exactly a good thing, but they weren't perishing at the hands of the Cylons. They were holding their own and Dante had worked out a kind of truce, one better than the Colonies could have hoped for.

She wanted to ask the woman if that was what people in the fleet really thought, that the Galactica had saved them, but she was afraid of what she would do if it was true. No, it was just easier to sit there, the list running through her mind. "This is for Starbuck. Let him be the hero."

It was another couple of centaurs later when the door chimed again. She was afraid it would be dinner and the IFB crew would be staying late into the night. She was surprised and relieved to see it was the Commander, which pretty much demonstrated how desperate she was for other company.

"How is it coming along?" he asked, smiling at the reporter before turning a worried gaze upon Rene.

"Very well! We have things in hand and we will make you look so good! The fleet is going to love this!"

"How long have you been at this?" The commander addressed his comment to Rene, but Vanna answered for her.

"Oh just a few more decisions to be made and then we can get the ball rolling. I'm sure it will only take us a few more centaurs. I just think…"

"Lieutenant Rene is needed elsewhere I'm afraid." The commander cut her off, the smile fading.

"Oh but surely she can be spared for a few more centaurs and then…"

Rene almost flinched from the hard flint that entered Adama's eyes. "No. You are done here for the day. You will contact me first thing tomorrow morning. Understood?"

Rene had a "Yes sir" on her lips in response to Adama's stern tone, but Vanna wasn't even flustered as she batted her eyes at him.

"Of course, Commander. I know how interested you are in the project. I'm sure your approval rating will sky rocket and assure your election to the President of the Council once again. We will get this going and see you tomorrow."

It didn't take them long to clear out, and Rene sighed as her shoulders dropped in relief.

"Are you alright?" Adama's voice had turned warm again.

She nodded. "Yeah, just tired."

The Commander took a step towards her, placing a hand upon her shoulder. She froze and she thought Adama actually sighed before he took his hand away.

"I suggest you rest. I will inform the others."

The commander turned to leave and she started to ask where she might find Starbuck when it dawned on her that she was going to be left alone, and kept her mouth shut. The moment the door closed, she was on her feet headed to the drawer in the food prep area where she had stowed the screw driver. She came out and pulled a chair to climb on the table, reaching up to the screws in the ceiling panel above the light. If Starbuck came in now, it would be hard to hide what she was doing and he'd be more than pissed. She worked fast, only taking out two of the screws and tilting the panel to reach in and pull out the ambrosia bottle and the box of stims. These were the good ones, prescription strength taken from a decent pharmacy they had raided on Caprica. They were probably highly contaminated with radion, but she didn't care. She set them gingerly on the table as she put the panel back. Then she took them into the food prep area, pulling down a java mug, filling it to the brim with the ambrosia. It was golden and rich, the smoky aroma hinting at the barrel in which it had been aged. She took a deep drink, letting it fill her mouth with the promise of good times.

She stared at the box of stims, the ambrosia she hadn't swallowed still in her mouth when she heard a voice.

"You don't want to do that."

She choked on the ambrosia, spraying more than she swallowed as she jumped. She spun expecting to find Starbuck. There was no one there.

She stepped from the kitchen to scan the quarters, even taking a step towards the turbo to be sure. She was alone.

She stepped back into the kitchen, the smell of ambrosia was strong. She picked up the box of stims, tearing at the opening, when the voice spoke again.

"Come on Sis, don't do it."

"Ari?" She turned hoping to get a glimpse of her brother. It was just a shadow but it was him, his face the same mask of worry he'd worn almost every day in the Colonies.

"You don't want to take those," he said.

"Yeah I do." She choked on a sob as he started to fade. "No don't leave me!" Her words had no effect as the phantom dissolved. Her hand shook as she turned back to the mug of ambrosia and shook the pills from the box. She ripped open the plastic containing them and put four in her hand.

But she couldn't bring the shaking hand to her mouth. "Frak…frak frak frak…" she muttered as the smell of the spilt ambrosia made her dizzy. Her heart was pounding hard in her ears.

"Rene? You here?" It was Starbuck's voice this time and she hastily opened a drawer, sweeping the stim box, pills and plastic into the drawer. As she slammed the drawer shut, her hand slipped and she ended up sweeping the mug of ambrosia onto the floor. The sound of the metal mug clattering drew Starbuck running.

"Rene!"

She grabbed a towel and was hastily trying to clean up the evidence, but it was too late.

"Rene? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I…I was cleaning up and the IFB wanted some and my hand slipped and…"

Starbuck was kneeling down beside her, reaching to pick up the mug. "It's okay."

"I wasn't having any, I was just…"

Starbuck forgot the mug and reached for her hands, pulling her up from the floor. "Rene, it's okay. Dixon was right, it wasn't fair what I did yesterday and…and you could use the calories." He let her go and spun to the cupboard taking down two new mugs. He hesitated for just a moment as he saw the bottle of ambrosia that was nearly full, before grabbing it and pouring a healthy amount in the two mugs. He took one putting it in her hands, before he let go and reached for his own.

"Really, I was just cleaning up and the reporters wanted a drink and…"

"Rene!" He barked, then softened his tone. "Its okay. I shouldn't have drunk so much yesterday in front of you and I would need a drink after dealing with the IFB, actually I'd need a whole bottle. It's okay. Besides, there's worse things you could be doing."

She nodded to that and chose to stare down at the ambrosia instead of meeting his eyes.

"Hey," he said reaching for her, stroking her face so she would look up. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Putting up with me and yesterday and dealing with this sealing. You're right, it will be good for us and…" he shook his head and changed the topic. "What should we drink to? Making it out of those Cylon cells alive?"

"No," she said staring back down into her mug, regretting the ambrosia she had wasted on the floor.

"Okay, how about we drink to the baby."

She couldn't help but laugh. "Really? That's why I'm not supposed to be drinking. Pick something else." She looked back up to find a hopeful smirk on Starbuck's face.

"Then to being married and still getting in trouble for fraking?"

She found herself laughing again. "Alright," she held up the mug clinking it against his, "to being in trouble for acting like we're sealed. Or maybe just to fraking?"

He nodded smiling. "Now that I can drink to. Hopefully we get to do more of that soon, being sealed and the other things that go with it."

She took just a sip and savored the smoky flavor as Starbuck muttered his own kind of prayer. "Oh Lords that is good. I will say one thing, you don't risk your life for the cheap stuff. I can appreciate that."

"Only the best for you, baby."

He took another drink draining the mug before he met her eyes. "I can live with the cheap stuff as long as you are alive to drink it with me. Now we should get you some food. The boys are cooking tonight so I promise it will be something simple. How did it go with the IFB?"

She shook her head smirking at him. "Oh no, you don't get any details, not after you abandoned me to that crazy woman and then hid out for the rest of the day. You'll just have to be surprised like everyone else."

"Fair enough," he said taking the mug from her hands and setting it in the sink.

She let him guide her from their quarters and down to the Council chamber where dinner was in full Copper Squadron swing with the kids running around and Crius trying to rock his baby to sleep. Starbuck had her take a seat beside Crius before Kalea and Kiff tackled her demanding her attention and to be held.

"I'll get us some food," he said before he headed into the food prep area, greeting Jason with a high five and a slap on the back for Cain.