Starbuck had known that their lives wouldn't be average or normal, but watching Crius take Rene's laser from him in one hand and while holding his baby in the other was a stark reminder that this wouldn't be the traditional twelve colonies dream of home and hearth. They were warriors and it was more than a job, especially since the Destruction. Light dinner conversation was about their last mission and lasers were part of the table service next to the salad fork, two spots over from the soup spoon.
And his mission tonight, the difference between life and death was escorting a four yahren old to retrieve a prized possession. It wasn't until he was down the corridor that Starbuck truly recognized it was a foolish fantasy to think Kiff's rock could perform the same magic trick as Rene's. He hadn't seen Iblis or John since the jump from Dilmun. The mystical men in white hadn't even shown up in his hallucinations in a Cylon Cell. Plus, at least with Rene's rock, he had a body to bring back to life. Ari had been left behind, a ruined wreck of bone and blood on the floor of a makeshift building on what was most likely now a Cylon controlled sector. As much as he wished he could, he just couldn't give his wife a sealing gift featuring her brother brought back to life, but he could get Kiff back his rock.
Rene had tried to make up for her instinct to protect her child from a perceived threat by allowing Starbuck to walk with Kiff alone to track down the code for the child care center and locate the rock. It helped to soothe the sting a little, but Rene had been right. Kiff was not his son and it wasn't really his right to discipline him, although if he was supposed to stand by and ignore unbecoming behaviour it was going to be awkward, especially as the boy matured. He wanted to believe that he could do what Apollo had done, take in his wife's children as his own, but tonight, after her reaction, he wasn't so sure. Kalea and Leia were young enough maybe, and Jason, Cain and Lara were older and he could reason with them, but Kiff probably would always be a problem. He liked Kiff and knew it wasn't the kid's fault that his father had been a despicable bastard, but he couldn't deny the boy looked nothing like Rene or her other children. It was becoming obvious who had fathered him from his dark hair, his deep set eyes, and his demanding disposition.
"He's just a kid," Starbuck reminded himself as they opened the child care center and Kiff ran in and found his rock. "All kids at his age are trouble."
He briefly wondered if Chameleon would remember what he had been like as a child. He'd have to ask him the next time he saw him. He'd be seeing him soon, and he had a favor to ask of the man. He wanted to know if Chameleon would be at his sealing, at least as his honored guest, maybe more.
Once Kiff had his rock, Starbuck had asked if he could see it, and together in the corridor they examined it. It was just a plain old piece of basalt, gray and hard, the sharp edges worn a little smooth. It wasn't round exactly and it certainly wasn't a rock one would think to hold onto or cherish. Kiff had even pretended to say his prayers over it, but it had remained inert and black.
Kiff had been upset, tears forming as his rock failed to perform for him, but Starbuck had wrapped an arm around the kid and told him it was okay. He believed Kiff, and he promised it would be a secret just between the two of them.
Starbuck felt a little silly for having entertained the idea that a rock could bring someone back from the dead. That secret shame made it easier that evening to deal with Rene and her uneasiness around him after her actions that evening. They both had held high hopes, maybe too high, that after Caprica and back on the Galactica, everything would be made right again. There was just too much that had gone wrong to expect a simple miracle could set it all right. It is what it is, Starbuck reminded himself thinking back to the days when he was young, how he had wished with all his heart on every talisman he could find that a family would call him their long-lost son.
"No, it is what it is, and you have to make do with what you've got," Starbuck reminded himself. What he had wasn't so bad. He had a father that had found him, a little late but better than never. He now had a large family and while it was a bit complicated and at times unruly, it was his. The kids trusted him, a fact made obvious when he returned to the council chambers and they began the process of cleaning up dinner, finishing up homework, reading stories and tucking children into bed. Rene hovered on the fringes of the activity, the apology etched in her eyes, but also there was the fatigue of having dealt with too much for the day.
Once the kids were down and they were back in their quarters, he asked how it had gone with the IFB, but Rene was vague, just saying the party would be nice and he would like it. He wanted to ask the simple question if she would like the sealing, but he suspected the answer would be a shrug of acceptance that she had little control over the affair.
She moved about the chambers as if waiting for a solenite charge to go off, but he didn't have it in him to lecture her anymore. He was not happy with her course of action, especially with the Commander present, but knowing what Jake had planned, and that he probably had the means to be stoned for sectons, well, he might have shot him too.
Once under the covers, Rene had actually tried to initiate something neither of them really had the energy for, but he stopped her with a kiss and a few words.
"It's okay Rene, I'm not mad. We're both tired. You did what you had to do. Just maybe give a guy some warning before you stun him in the back because I'm pretty sure next time it will be me."
He'd physically felt the tension leave her shoulders as she finally addressed the grenade in the room. "I trust you with the kids. It was just," she'd paused as a shiver shook her in his arms.
"I know." He was just too tired tonight to delve into the past. They had more long days ahead before the public sealing ceremony.
"The blue uniform is …" she paused again, her tone changing, "I like when he shows up in civilian clothes. Then he's like the man I remember from before. He was good to me when I was a kid. Distant, but…consistent."
Starbuck nodded, noting the odd choice of words to describe the commander, but if he had to make a list of words that fit why he thought Adama was a good leader, that word would certainly be near the top. "It's okay," he said again trying to make it true, but it had been sectares and if she didn't trust the Commander now, would she ever?
"I will apologize tomorrow first thing and invite him to dinner again."
"Thank you," he said softly and felt his own shoulders relax as he kissed her. "When's the sealing?"
"In six cycles," she answered snuggling into his arms. "Make sure you show up with those gold clusters shining. That's what everyone really wants to see."
He chuckled at her joke and held her close. They both needed some sleep and he wished he could have said they had a restful night, but it was far from the truth. He had a hard time drifting off, the drone of the engines were just too loud, and he woke anytime Rene moved. Then there were the dreams that jolted him awake several times. He thought Rene had awakened screaming, but it was just in his head.
They both were groggy when Rene's chrono went off and he groaned not really knowing what his day would hold. Maybe he'd be cleared for flight status, but he doubted they'd put him on the flight roster with the big public circus coming up where he was supposed to be the ringleader, or was he just their favorite clown? Too soon he'd find out.
They had settled into a morning routine that started with Starbuck in the turbo first and at some point Rene would join him, then he would get something resembling food because if he didn't, she wouldn't eat until midday. He'd get the java brewing and Rene wasn't up for anything resembling conversation until she had the second mug of it in her hands. This morning he brought her the mug in the turbowash as she was still struggling into her pants, finally settling for situating them low on her hips and leaving the tunic untucked, not regulation, but at least in uniform. He was about to suggest that maybe, since she was off the duty roster, she just wear the civilian clothes she had that would fit, but when he opened his mouth with a "Why don't you…" she intercepted his thoughts.
"The IFB respects the uniform. It keeps them from adding bubbles and balloons to this sealing."
"Oh lords," Starbuck groaned as he handed her the mug, "you're not serious, are you?"
"There was talk of birds and ice sculptures too. The uniform reminds them to keep this from getting even more out of control."
The door chimed and Rene groaned. "Can't I just get some java in me first."
"I got it. You hide out in here until you're done with the java." She cast him a thankful smile over the rim of the mug taking a drink.
He braced himself for the blonde reporter who had a tendency of laying her hands all over him, but when he opened the door, it was Jake with Cassie behind him. He was stunned for a moment, trying to read the young man's features. Jake actually looked somewhat contrite rather than angry. In Starbuck's mind he had every right to be peeved.
"I need to talk to your wife."
Starbuck cocked his head at the wording. He didn't think Jake had ever called Rene "Starbuck's wife" before. It was a concession, so was ringing the chime rather than just barging in, but it left him wondering what was the concession for?
"I think she crossed the line with you. I defended you and if you plan to kill her, well, you'll have to wait until after the public sealing." Starbuck tried to keep his tone light, but Jake just nodded calmly.
"I'm not going to kill her. Just need to tell her something if that's alright with you, brother."
Starbuck searched the words and Jake's face for the sarcasm. It wasn't there. He was being serious for once in his young life, and Starbuck stood aside to let him in the room. Rene had come out of the Turbo at the sound of his voice, but was only a few steps into the room.
Neither spoke for a moment, evaluating each other before Jake nodded slightly. Starbuck was again left wondering if the two actually read each other's minds, or if Jake had flashed some signal that only they knew.
Jake finally took a breath. "Cassie said I should tell you what really happened so you'll understand."
"You know why I had to do it, don't you?" Rene responded, but the wary look she cast Starbuck's way told him the words were for his and Cassie's benefit, not Jake's.
Jake shrugged. "Yeah. It's debatable, but," he paused as his eyes also slid Starbuck's way before he focused back on Rene. He took in a bracing breath, "we were talking music for the party and," he took another breath and swallowed hard.
Jake looked unsteady on his feet and Starbuck wondered if he'd woken from his stunning and gone straight for the drugs. He looked to Cassie, an eyebrow raised to ask the question, "Is he okay?" Cassie's soft shake of her head raised alarms, but she held up her hand asking him to wait and let Jake have his say. Starbuck shook his own head. They made a complicated quartet. He was used to messy relationships, but this was something else.
Jake's voice trembled and broke. "With you having to…you have things you have to do…and…" he swallowed hard again, but it didn't prevent his voice from cracking as he said, "I don't have a bass player."
The words seemed insignificant to Starbuck, but they spurred Rene to cross the room in a few quick strides. She dropped her mug on the floor as she wrapped her arms tightly around her friend. Jake's arms came up around her shoulder, his hands becoming entangled in her hair as he held on tight. Jake shook as he dropped his head to her shoulder. Starbuck thought he should look away, give them the moment of intimacy, but Jake's eyes peeking over Rene's shoulder focused on his own, something defiant and angry in them, challenging Starbuck to remain in the moment.
"You'll never be alone," Rene said, "I'll never leave you. You and me, always, no matter who else is involved, or what else or…anything. You and me. I'm not leaving you."
Jake nodded closing his eyes. Starbuck didn't feel the usual pull of jealousy, maybe because he knew what Jake was feeling, had dealt with it himself when Apollo had announced he was sealing with Serina. Jake was wondering, just as Starbuck had back then, would this leave him alone without a friend in the world? Cassie had helped then when Starbuck was reeling with his own guilt at not being able to protect Serina. She had said all the right words and helped him to be able to look Apollo in the eye again.
He looked to her now to find her sympathetic smile directed his way. He gave her a warrior salute, fist over his heart. He didn't know how she had found out about what had happened last night, but her healer's instincts had saved them once again.
"I miss him and it's my fault." Jake opened his eyes, latching back onto Starbuck's. "It's all my fault."
"No, it's not," Rene asserted, "I should have…"
Jake cut her off, words tumbling out. He punctuated each sentence by gripping Rene tighter. "No, it really is! Dante was in a shuttle. I knew I could take him down. We could have dealt with losing Gage. It would have saved Ari, saved so many. It was a long flight back and I had so many chances. We were out of range and everyone would have believed our story. I don't know why I didn't just do it. I had him in my sights for centaurs. It should have been so easy. And in the brig, I could have just let Starbuck pull the trigger. I stopped him."
"No Jake," Rene tried to reason with him, but his tight hold had crushed the air from her. Starbuck would have to step in soon if he didn't ease up. "I should have had Ari stay. I should have thought it out more…"
Starbuck remembered back to the night in the OC when Crius had explained just a fraction of what these two had experienced at the hands of their commander. "They just have so much guilt between them." Starbuck understood what that meant probably more than any other person in the fleet. He fought his own losing battle with guilt. Had he taken the patrol instead of trading with Zac, Apollo would have his own brother alive. Starbuck was confident enough in his experience and skills that he would have made it back to warn the fleet. It could have meant the difference in saving millions of lives. But he also knew you had to play the hand he was dealt, there was no going back and asking for different cards. You could carry the guilt, let it eat you up inside, but in the end, it didn't change what happened. Apollo forgave him, hades, Apollo never blamed him. In the end all Starbuck could do was to try to forgive himself.
This was different in so many ways. Would Starbuck have been willing to kill someone else to take Zac's place? Zac wouldn't have wanted that. That's what his wife and her friend were discussing, killing someone, which in the end still happened, only after they'd lost Ari. It was brutal in its irony, but debating the results of their actions and inactions now was pointless. It wouldn't bring anyone back.
He took the step forward, putting a hand on Jake's shoulder squeezing. "Neither of you could have predicted what would happen. You did the right thing at the time. No one blames you." Starbuck felt the young man tremble, then ease his hold. Rene took a breath.
"It wasn't your fault. As soon as I knew how to jump, I should have just taken us to…to…" she hesitated and Jake let go, pushing her to arm's length.
"We had nowhere to go. We all agreed. That wasn't your decision. We agreed to stick together."
She nodded, looking to Starbuck and then to Cassie before turning back to Jake. "We agreed to a lot of things. Things have changed and there are a lot of things I blame you for, but not Ari. Do you want to change the agreement?"
Jake took another breath letting it out in a sigh. "No, maybe, yes, I don't know. You weren't supposed to remember that."
Starbuck had no clue what they meant by the words, but whatever the secret meaning, it seemed to reassure Jake. He watched a slow smile appear on Rene's features.
"We can forget it if you want, but I don't want to. Things have changed, but that will never change. Ari's gone, and we can blame ourselves, but…" she shook her head, "the music still needs to play. He'd want that. What if I could find you a bass player?"
"How?" Jake shook his head, but Rene nodded her head towards Starbuck.
"Don't underestimate Sire Gold Clusters," she turned towards Starbuck. "You have a task for the sealing. Put the word out to the squadrons. We need someone who can play bass guitar. Auditions tonight at the OC. Cassie? Let the child care minders know I have a pair of gold earrings for whoever volunteers to watch all the kids tonight. We are going to need Lisbet and Dara, as well as Crius and Nik, maybe Max." She turned back to Jake. "I owe you a night off. I'm buying the drinks and I'll leave my laser behind."
Jake took a shuddering breath as he nodded. "It won't be the same."
"No," she answered, "it won't, but we can try." She turned back to Starbuck reaching out a hand to him. "You can do that right? I'd rather it be a Warrior, maybe a pilot?"
He squeezed her hand. "Yeah, I think I might know someone."
"Send them Jake's way. Where can they find you?"
It was Cassie that answered for him as Jake reached to wipe at his eyes. "The Life Center."
"Okay." Rene noticed the tears that had welled in Jake's eyes. "Don't do that. I'm too far pregnant for that and once I start, well frak . . ." She reached for Jake again, a hand on the back of his neck pulling him in forehead to forehead. "Until the end. We don't go alone. That doesn't change no matter how many times I shoot you, understand?"
His voice was rough as he answered, "Yeah." He pulled away wiping at his eyes again before turning to Starbuck. "Sorry."
He wasn't sure what he was apologizing for, but he put a hand back on Jake's shoulder squeezing. "Nothing to be sorry for. And if it helps, next time I'll shoot you."
They left the quarters together, Jake still looking unsteady, but he was headed in the right direction towards the Life Center. Starbuck briefly wondered why Rene didn't go with him, but she had turned towards the Commander's office. He followed, wanting lend a little support to her apology and let Adama know things had been resolved.
When they were admitted, Rene wasted no time, going before the Commander's desk rather than taking a seat, pulling herself erect and proclaiming, "I owe you an apology, but I don't think this is the right way to do it. I would like to invite you to the OC tonight and offer you my apology there in public."
Starbuck was stunned. Adama looked to him and he shook his head. This is not what he had told her to do and was above and beyond anything he would have asked for. He took his usual spot in the room when Rene was there, leaning against the wall where he could watch the drama play out.
"Rene, that is not necessary. It does not need to be public nor to the family. But I do need a promise you will keep your family disagreements free of violence." Adama gestured towards a seat, but Rene stayed standing. Adama gave a small sigh that maybe others would have missed, but Starbuck had seen it often in this office, usually directed at him. "I would just prefer we come to a truce of sorts, perhaps a clarification of roles in certain settings."
"Like how with the family you're family and not the commander?"
"Something along those lines, something we can all agree to," Adama said.
"That's not going to happen, sir."
Starbuck winced at her words, but Rene continued. "Even in family settings, you are the patriarch, the leader, the voice of wisdom. We are going to respect that. We can't change that, sir. But I think I can explain that a little better if you come to the OC tonight. Drinks are on me. And we expect you at a dinner or two, when you can make it, sir."
Adama considered her words, evaluating the woman standing before him. "I do not want to impose, just to lend my help."
Rene broke her stance, letting her shoulders drop after her signature shrug. "I've had it pointed out recently that things I want may not be good for me, and I might need to adjust my thinking on what I need. You aren't…unwanted…I just…," she hesitated, staring at the desk before her as she slowly reached out her left hand, laying it flat on the wood, fingers splayed out. Starbuck shuddered at the memory of the last desk her hand had spread upon, the sound of crunching bones echoing in his ears. She stared at her own hand for a moment longer before looking up.
"Sir, I need some time if I am going to trust you. A long time. Permission to have that time?"
Adama spoke softly, his voice a mix of command and fatherly familiarity, "Granted."
Rene remained for a moment in her position before smoothing the desk with her hand, pulling it back. "Thank you, sir. Again, I request your presence in the OC tonight. I expect you to act as a Commander of hot-headed viper jocks and not put everyone on report for their lack of decorum and foul language."
The commander smiled and added his caveat, "As long as no weapons are discharged, Lieutenant, I will overlook a word or two."
"Thank you, sir. Now I have a three-ring sealing to set up. You are officiating and you and Starbuck need to prepare a speech or two. I have to go rein in the IFB and remind them this is a military affair. I would like to ask you to help Starbuck with his guest list." She turned to address Starbuck. "I would like to invite you to midday meal in the rather intimate setting of the squadron mess hall."
He smiled at his wife. It was progress and they did have a lot to talk about, a whole life ahead to discuss. He surprised himself as he volunteered, "Need me to come with you to deal with the IFB?"
Rene chuckled. "No. You'll agree to everything that woman wants. No, I'm okay. Just shine up those medals and be kind to those on my guest list. I'm inviting Avery."
Starbuck physically jerked at the name, half thinking it was her version of a joke as she smirked at him.
"He and his people are family too, the crazy side, but," she shrugged, "You don't get to choose who's family. You get what you get."
He shook his head as she headed out the door, placing a hand on his arm on the way, a lackluster apology before she left the room.
"So, Lieutenant? How are things today? Everything resolved?"
Starbuck shook his head again, tossing his hands up in the air as he said slowly, emphasizing each word, "I am in over my head."
Adama laughed lightly. "I felt the same way many days with Ila. She was like the Caprican weather, awe inspiring but unpredictable."
"Tell me it gets easier." Starbuck stepped forward taking a seat.
"Oh, I'll save my lies for the OC over an ambrosia. In this office, I will give you the truth. No, but," the commander's eyes grew wistful for a moment before he spoke again, "I would trade almost anything to have her back again. Enjoy it, son, every difficult moment and every fight. Now let's work on those speeches shall we?"