The old man had grumbled about wanting to know more, that all he wanted to do was ask questions, but Starbuck remained firm in his decision. Peryton's mood and Rene's authority issues would surely clash in a fireworks display as big as the explosion Rene had created with Galactica's laser turret.
As the others filed down the ladder from the dome, Rene hung back, putting distance between herself and Bojay and his father. Apollo tried to apologize to her again, but she had turned away from him to gaze at the stars before she mumbled to him that it was okay. When she turned away from the view, Starbuck couldn't read her expression, and that usually meant she was working on being upset. That was not what he needed with their upcoming move to the Zakar. He had hoped she'd begin to feel more comfortable around Apollo after Caprica. Maybe after the move things would change.
Bojay helped his father down the ladder with Apollo following uttering assurances to Peryton that they would continue the experiments after the sealing. Starbuck nodded his head at Jake to go down first, but the kid flashed a sign to Starbuck that he didn't know and then followed it with the sign for 'sorry' before he headed down.
Starbuck asked what the sign meant, but Rene just shook her head and donned the hearing protectors as she headed for the ladder. He wanted to hold her back to ask at least a few of the questions swirling in his head. Like so many times before, Rene just left him with more questions than answers, but instead he donned his hearing protectors as well and followed her down. He wanted the dome to remain a place of serenity for them, and besides, later in their quarters might be a better place to ask about her past. In the confines of their cozy quarters, she shared.
Once away from the main thrusters and the necessity for hearing protectors Peryton had started up again with his questions. He wasn't a dumb man, he kept them to yes and no answers, which Rene answered with a shrug, a shake of her head, or "I guess so."
Jake kept looking over his shoulder at Starbuck, asking the man to do something. Starbuck spoke up stating that Giles would be landing soon with the drone mostly to save the kid from the neck strain. It worked as the old man nearly sprinted down the corridor towards the landing bay. Bojay headed off after his father, as Apollo told him to stay in touch and let him know the results of the data.
Bojay waved and said, "Catch up to you at the send off tomorrow." He didn't have time to say more as his father disappeared down the corridor.
Once it was just the four of them outside of the duty office, Apollo reached out a hand to halt them from entering. "What's going on? You three seem as happy as Borellian Nomen on a blood trail."
Starbuck found himself shrugging right along with Rene and Jake.
"Oh no, that ends right here. You do not get to move to my ship if you guys keep that up. Words. We communicate in words, not shrugs and surly looks while flashing combat signs. You first, Starbuck. Why aren't you sleeping?"
He started to shrug, but Apollo's eye roll climbed up his aching spine. "We're just trying to recover. Tired and grumpy, that's all. And it's my ship. She gave it to me."
"Uh huh," Apollo turned to Rene, "Why is he not sleeping?"
He swore it was an evil glare she cast him first before she answered Apollo, as if angry that she had to answer to his friend, or was it that she was upset that Starbuck might not be taking all this in stride.
"I don't think he enjoyed his time with the Cylons. Apparently this time they didn't offer him a clean uniform and a hand of pyramid."
Apollo's features softened. "No they didn't." They were all quiet for a moment as the implications of Rene's explanation hung in the air. Apollo reached out hand to Starbuck's shoulder. He opened his mouth to speak when Jake interrupted.
"She shot me."
"You needed it," Rene replied and the two began to bicker back and forth.
Starbuck appreciated their attempt at a distraction, but his old friend ignored their sniping, keeping a firm steady hold on his shoulder, his eyes gazing too deeply into his own.
"I'm okay," Starbuck answered the probing look, realizing too late that anything other than a jibe or a joke would register for Apollo as a warning sign of trouble.
"Need to talk?" Apollo offered.
He found himself shrugging as he shook his head no. "Back still hurts. Has made me a bit short I guess."
"They have pain meds for that." Apollo shot down his own attempt at a diversion.
"Trying to be a good role model." Starbuck nodded to Rene and Jake who had turned up the speed and volume of their argument.
"That can't be helping," Apollo said as he began to remove his hand and step towards the two to end their argument. Starbuck reached out grabbing Apollo's arm and his friend looked back, concerned at the touch.
"That believe it or not, is music to my ears," Starbuck explained. "She's talking and it drowns out the screams in my head. I couldn't do anything." He shivered and Apollo took the step back to him, but Starbuck halted his progress with a firm straight arm grip on his friend's. "I'm okay. Just a lot going on, that's all and what we need is rest. The enemy hasn't found us yet so I thought things would calm down, but then this sealing circus started up and . . ." He shrugged and his friend accepted it as an answer.
Apollo's eyes still searched his own as his friend offered up an apology. "I told my father the sealing wasn't a good idea. He is having problems with the Council of twelve. It seems they favored joining Dante and his compromise with the Cylons. That's what they actually called it, a compromise. It has been pointed out to them that they would essentially be slaves to the enemy, but some of the council members reasoned that it might be better than being a slave to the Colonial Service. They want my father to loosen the martial law. Dissension is growing amongst the populace and while we see the Dilmun warriors as a wonderful addition, the fear still remains that we don't have the resources to support the added population, as well as the many children being born. The push to settle is growing and we are close to Paradeen."
Starbuck heaved a sigh and rubbed at the back of his neck with his free hand. Apollo placed his hand on Starbuck's shoulder again. The corridor grew silent as Rene and Jake ceased their squabbling, focusing their attention on Starbuck.
"I didn't mean to add to your troubles," Apollo said casting an apologetic look to Rene before turning back to him. "I just thought you should know. The sealing is important, not just for the family."
Starbuck sighed again. "Paradeen isn't the answer. They can't protect us and we would just bring the enemy down on Michael and Sara, plus then we'd have a two front war with the Cylons and the Eastern Alliance," Starbuck said sighing again, "but I can see where the council might be upset. No one got to make the decision on Dilmun, but that's because Dante didn't want all of us. He just wanted some of us. None of the councilmen fit Dante's criteria."
Staruck left unsaid that he and Apollo were probably on the list of those Dante would not have invited to his world building party. Most likely they would have even been eliminated due to their loyalty to Adama. Maybe Starbuck could have been accepted, after a shearing of his long hair and trip to Dante's reeducation module that would probably include more pushups than he could manage with a flogging for fun. But Starbuck never would have stomached the abuses that were happening. He would have stood up to Dante at some point and had his life terminated, whether by an execution or some other means.
The realization had him shifting his gaze to Rene and the ring she had handed him earlier that day. He didn't need to ask what happened to her previous suitor. He knew why the man hadn't returned from what should have been a routine patrol. It was easier to blame the man's death on the enemy than to admit you executed an academy trained Colonial warrior who questioned the system.
Apollo began to speak, but Starbuck beat him to it. "It's okay. Yeah, we're dealing with a lot, but it's nothing we can't handle. Just need more rest and you may be right about the pain meds."
Apollo nodded. "So Boomer said everyone agreed to my idea, the Zakar I mean?"
Starbuck looked to Rene and Jake who were still quiet before he answered, "Yeah they did. Need to work out a few issues, but I think we can make this work."
"That's why I suggested it. I think together we can all cut our workload and share the burden." He turned to address Rene and Jake. "Like a family. I promise you will find it significantly better than the last time you served on the Zakar."
"Yeah, we know," Jake said adding belatedly, "Sir."
Apollo shook his head. "I told you on Caprica, you can drop that. Same goes for the Zakar. Over there, we're a team. You'll see. Speaking of which, I have to go relieve Gage. He took my place and there have been a few problems I need to resolve. Seems he and Pallus had a disagreement. Pallus is a problem. I can see why you wanted him off the Galactica."
"Is he going to be there when we come over?" Rene asked, casting a wary look to Starbuck.
"I am working on resolving that issue," Apollo answered vaguely. "I should go." He turned to head for the flight deck, when he turned back he said, "Starbuck, get some rest. I hear your send off is tomorrow and Blue Squadron have some surprises planned."
Starbuck groaned, but Apollo just grinned at him evilly before saying he'd see him tomorrow and walking away. It left the three of them in the corridor, none of them eager to move on to the tasks of the day, although Starbuck's to do list had shrunk considerably thanks to Apollo's intervention. Jake flashed a sign to Rene, the same one Starbuck didn't know.
"Don't tell him what I did. I have to go. Salik is starting me on a medic module. See ya at dinner."
Starbuck thought he already was a real medic, and wondered what more Jake might need to know and what he didn't want Starbuck to know. There was probably no point in asking. Rene might spill all of Starbuck's secrets, but she would keep Jake's. He went to check his chrono before he remembered he didn't have one and gently reached for hers checking to see it wasn't even midday. He looked up to his wife, taking note of the dark circles under her eyes.
"You okay?"
She nodded and he shook his head. "Words, like Apollo said."
"I'm okay. I want to show them how it works, I just…" She paused and shook her head. "He makes me n..n..nervous and I'm not sure I can give him the answers he w…wants. It has never done that b…before."
The return of the stutter settled the issue in his mind. They were calling out sick today and the IFB could go frak themselves.
"Yeah, that was…intense. I think maybe we both could use some rest. Maybe talk a little? Or not." He said catching her wary look. "I'm going to check in and then we can check out." He started to head towards the duty office door, but Rene turned taking a step away. "Whoa there, pretty lady." He reached out a hand grabbing her wrist, worried that she would disappear. "Stay with me."
She didn't agree, just passively allowed him to drag her into the duty office where he found Crius getting ready for the patrol Starbuck wouldn't be taking today. His wing mate didn't question his excuse for skipping out, only commented that it was about time he used the privilege of the gold clusters. "Sealing in a few cycles, I wouldn't have let you fly anyway. Get some rest, polish up the medals. You asked Jake yet?"
Rene gave him a look.
"I've been meaning to ask him to stand in with me since he's my brother now and all," Starbuck explained.
It was the first smile he'd seen that day from Rene, the first he'd seen in a couple of cycles, or maybe longer. It was time he did something about that. He wished Crius and Jolly a good flight, and headed out of the duty office, shifting his grip to her hand and pulled her down the corridor. When he bypassed the turn for their quarters, she asked where they were headed.
"I need my own kind of therapy," he answered.
"And if the simulators are full?" she asked knowing full well that his version of fun was either gambling, triad or shooting cylons. He wasn't up for the triad and a little early in the morning for pyramid, but it was always a good time for blasting raiders even if they were imaginary.
He reached up and took a swipe at his insignia. "Rank has its privileges. Besides, the cadets are usually in classes in the mornings."
He was right, the simulators were open. He probably should have been a gentleman and helped Rene up into her own simulator, but he was too focused on his own need at the moment, climbing into the mock cockpit and powering it up. The displays showed Rene had managed to do the same without his help. The two vipers met in the digital heavens and ran through the paces of the most difficult simulations successfully for at least a centaur before one of them missed a move, and were taken down. He was the first to be eliminated and that seemed to ease something inside him. She could hold her own in the sky, even when she was tired and her mind not all there. He fired up the simulator again, and they made it another fifteen centons until he noticed the pinwheel attack aimed for Rene. He violently shut down the simulation before her viper took the first salvo. He tried to swallow down the emotions that had burst forth, but it left him gasping for breath as the blood pounded in his ears. He felt the mock cockpit shift as Rene hopped up on the nose of the viper. He wiped at his eyes before lifting up his head to meet her gaze, but she wasn't looking at him. She was staring intently at the gray wall of the small room. He assumed she was giving him time to get it together, but it was when she wiped at her own eyes that he realized she was waiting for herself to be able to speak.
He said her name softly, and she turned to him holding up her hand to stop him from speaking. He nodded, letting her talk first.
"I know you want me to quit the service. I can't do that, not here. Maybe if we were on Earth or when we get free of the Cylons. For now, I'll agree to not fly when I'm carrying your children, but I won't quit the service."
He winced as he wondered how she read his mind so accurately. "You could go into a technician position or bridge crew, or maybe…"
She slid down from the nose of the simulator. He shouted at her, "You don't even like being a warrior!"
She turned to look at him flashing the unknown sign before she turned away to leave the room.
"Wait!" he hopped out of the simulator, groaning as his back ached from even the short time in a well cushioned cockpit. "Wait, what does that mean. No one has told me what that means."
"You know what it means," she said beginning to head down the corridor. He caught up to her grabbing her arm, spinning her around.
"No, I don't. What does it mean?"
She held up the sign for I, then shifted to the L and then to a U, before she put it together and it was suddenly clear. "I love you."
"That's not how you use it," he couldn't help pointing out. "Not as an endearment. You and Jake, you flash it when you think the other is not going to return or you've done something wrong. What did you do wrong? You are not leaving me!" He found himself shouting as she started to turn away and he shifted his grip to her hand.
She turned back squeezing his hand hard. "I don't want to fight. Not today, not this secton or this sectar. In fact, it can wait until the baby is born, can't it? I already agreed to go the Zakar and I'm showing them what I can do. I'm helping Adama by going through with this p…public s..sealing and I'm following doc..doctor's orders. I can't fly anything, a viper or a shuttle and I haven't c..complained once about it or the p..p..processed air, or the walls, or the food, or you getting drunk or…or anything, have I? What…what more do you want?"
It was probably one of the most dangerous maneuvers of his life, but he pulled Rene into his arms, wrapping them tight around her. He was surprised that she didn't resist him, instead almost melting into his embrace. Her shoulders shook for a moment as he just held her, the tension fading as the tremor subsided.
He nuzzled into her neck, whispering, "Thank you."
"For what?" she asked, her voice muffled by his chest.
"Everything. This. Putting up with me."
She laughed lightly into his chest, "You are the least of my con…con..concerns right now. You're easy to fix."
"Oh, I am huh?" he said, knowing full well that Rene could manipulate him in so many ways, a kiss, a look, a night alone in their quarters. Did it count as coercion if he liked it?
"You worry too much you know," she said, looking up to him. "I can take care of myself when I need to."
He gazed into her eyes, reading the truth of it. But in her words was also the lie. He saw it superimposed over the brave face she tried to hold. But it was there, the terrified look she had cast him as she lay in the dirt and debris of a collapsed ridge as the enemy reached to pull her out. He shifted away, unable to bear that look knowing he had not been able to do anything about it.
"So what do you think will fix me?" he asked, a teasing lilt to his voice.
She didn't answer, and when a few cadets appeared down the hallway with Omega as their instructor, he was suddenly very conscious of the public corridor they were in.
"Let's get out of here," he said pulling away, taking her hand and guiding her away from the simulators. Again, they bypassed the turn for their quarters and he could feel the question in her tight hold on his hand. "Too many people know the code," he said as he steered her towards the council chambers and opened the door.
"I thought we could enjoy them while they are still ours, and no one will think to look here, at least not for a while," he said as he led her up to the viewport and the sight that helped him to breathe easier, the Zakar flanking the Galactica. He hadn't realized how much weight they had all carried before the Zakar and the Shiva joined the fleet. He wished they could have saved the destroyer. He could have slept easy for yahrens with that ship at his back.
"Wait here," he said reaching for her, planting a soft sweet kiss on her lips that she returned. "I think this is a good place to spend the day, don't you?"
She nodded and he headed to the food prep to get them some juice and dried fruit. He skipped the protein squares that most of the Copper squadron avoided, or tried to mask by mixing with other foods. He came back to find Rene gone from the chambers. He sighed, afraid that she had escaped to process the day's events alone.
"I should have held on tighter," he thought to himself as he sat on the steps where he'd married her in one of the most impulsive moves of his life. He was still debating if he should go track her down or let her be, when the door opened and she came in, her arms full of pillows and blankets from their quarters.
He felt the fist squeezing his lungs ease up. "Good idea," he said smiling as she made a nest for the two of them.
He came over and she handed him two pain meds. "How's your back?"
"It's fine," he said, but he took the pills from her swallowing them down with some juice.
"So stretch out and let me see what I can do about that," she said rubbing her hands together.
"I said I'm fine," but he did as she asked, laying down on the floor in front of the viewport. She untucked his tunic and slid her warm hands up his back as he sighed at the sensation. She started slow, and he only protested one more time, telling her she should be resting, but she shushed him and began to let her fingers and hands do their work, her touch soothing to his tight muscles.
"So the sealing is a couple of days away?" he asked, trying not to moan as her hands worked at the muscles that were tighter than they should be after a week in the life center.
"Day after your send off, but in the evening so you can sleep off your hangover," she said as she added more pressure to her touch. He couldn't suppress the groan as she hit the spot that hurt the most, in between his shoulder blades where Salik and Paye had pulled out the cylon technology.
"Too much?" she whispered.
"You are always too much," he answered avoiding the real question. "So what do you think happened today with the rift?"
She sighed adding more pressure that drove all thoughts out of his head except her hands and the ache she was chasing away. "Just before the explosion, I heard voices, lots of voices, calling out. Nothing I could make out, just shouts like in outrage or anger…" Her hands became motionless for a moment, but before he could tell her it was okay, she began to knead his muscles again. "I felt that explosion, heard it when I shouldn't have. It sounded like applause and laughter, like it was mocking me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired."
"But it worked. You could take them through and we can show Peryton how it works, after the baby I mean," he added hastily, "then maybe we can take the whole fleet somewhere safe. Do you think you could do that, I mean without Iblis helping out?"
"I don't know," she replied, but her voice sounded introspective rather than doubtful. "And I'm not sure if the Commander would let me try. I'm not sure I would let me try. I couldn't live with myself if I lost a whole ship of people. And what if Earth isn't at those coordinates or if it isn't safe from the Cylons or we just bring them down on whoever is there? Could we go somewhere else, but where…"
"Hey," he said struggling to get up from the floor, finally able to prop himself up and pull her to him. "One problem at a time, remember. We're home and safe."
She wrapped her arms around him, and he rolled onto his back pulling her with him. He sighed as she relaxed on his chest. His back felt much better and they lay there quiet for a few moments gazing at the stars before Rene spoke.
"We're safe for now and on the Galactica," she echoed his words, with a slight twist. "Now you know why I'm not sleeping. So what's waking you up at night?"
He tried to take a deep breath, but panic gripped his lungs, making it hard to draw the air. Her screams were there in his ears. He couldn't block the sound, and didn't want to because then he'd be alone wondering if she was still alive.
Rene looked up to him concerned. "Starbuck?"
"It's okay," he croaked through a throat suddenly too tight as he wrapped his arms around her tighter.
"Hey handsome," she said reaching up a hand to stroke his face. "What's going on, pretty boy?"
"Nothing, just tired."
"Liar. Do I need to tell the doc?" she asked, trying to guide his face towards hers, but he wouldn't meet her eyes.
"Sure why not, you already told Apollo. I keep your secrets," he groused.
"It's Apollo. He already knew."
He could feel her gaze still on him but he still couldn't look at her, angry for some unknown reason.
"Didn't mean you had to tell him."
She sighed heavily. "Starbuck, you two are so close you don't even need a secret code. He already knows something's going on. I wish he would tell me since you won't." Her hand stroked his face before reaching up to rustle his hair. He resisted the urge to shake his head at the touch.
He thought for a moment wondering how to explain to her that he was fine, the dreams would fade soon. They were nothing compared to the night terrors that drove Rene back to Caprica. This was nowhere near the same and he didn't feel like discussing the difference.
Without thinking too much about it, he tossed out a gambit in way of an answer, "I'll answer your question if you'll answer mine."
Her eyes went a little darker, but she nodded. "Alright. I'll play if it makes you happy."
He almost didn't ask. He wasn't looking to fight today. He'd been hoping for at least one ordinary day to enjoy being at home safe and sound. But the day had already drifted far from the Galactica norm and he was beginning to wonder if normal even existed anymore.
"It's come up a few times that Jake did something pretty bad and you've never told me why you two didn't wind up together, and yet," he sucked in a deep breath to face the truth himself, "here you are, together. I'm just thrown into the mix is all."
"That's not true. I picked you." Rene looked up at him again, anger flashing like lightning in the dark skies of her eyes.
He sighed. He'd meant to make her happy today, and he didn't really care what Jake did. Truth be told, he was glad the guy had screwed up, and apparently did it so well Rene still wasn't really forgiving him. But he couldn't help but wonder.
"Crius says it goes back to the Zakar when you and Jake were in Dante's office together. Is that it or something else? Do you remember?" He gave her the escape route to take to evade the questions, but she nodded to him, both an acknowledgment that she could avoid the answer, and an agreement that she wouldn't.
"I remember some of it. I remember enough that you have to promise not to be mad at him for it," she said, the storm fading in her eyes.
"And why is that?" he asked. "He hurt one of the kids or something?"
A strange smile tugged at her lips before she chased it away. "No, I think it's the kids that made him stop and figure it out." She sighed before she spoke again. "We'd been on Dilmun just a few sectars, Kenan was gone and Agenor thought I was going to be his. Gage was still too shell shocked to do anything as Dante created the quota and was trying to mix up the gene pool of the kids he wanted to make and," she closed her eyes wincing as the memory came back, "he joined in."
Starbuck was afraid she was going to leave it at that, those three words that could mean more than enough for him to want to kill the kid. Rene must have felt him tense as she began to speak again.
"He thought if he got on Pallus and Mars' good side that maybe things would go easier for all of us, but it became more than that. He played their games and thought he was one of them."
Starbuck found himself wincing and shaking his head. "How did it end?" he found himself asking even though he was pretty sure he knew how the story would go.
"One day the hunter, one day the prey. He didn't see it coming when they turned to abusing him. He's like you. He wants to believe people."
Starbuck didn't think he could ever find it possible to believe Pallus or his cronies. He didn't need to meet Mars to dislike him, Boomer's description of the man was enough.
"They gave him attention and he lives for attention," Rene added before laying her head back on his chest.
"Yeah, he does," he added, recognizing the trait in himself as well. It dawned on him that might be a factor in how Rene chose to use her abilities to find safety from the enemy, be it cylon or human. Had they escaped, it would have been alone. The Zakar had not run across any habitable worlds, or if they did they were backwater colonies like Attila or the farming community on Serenity and had held no interest for their Commander, nor for the Rats either. Jake had needed an audience, and himself, well he needed at least a few people around the card table.
He reached up to stroke her hair understanding a bit better why Rene found it so hard to trust anyone. It was one thing to find out the hero who rescued you was a complete boray, but if your best friend could turn on you, then who could you believe? Is that why she found it easier to be with him? He was a complete scoundrel, or so others told him. She was expected to distrust him.
"So if it wasn't me, then it wasn't going to be Jake?" he couldn't help asking as the scamp in him was good friends with that rabble rouser known as jealousy.
"No." Her voice was soft and low, holding a hint of warning that he was getting deeper into dangerous territory.
"So if I hadn't come along, with that stupid quota Dante dreamed up, who would it have been? Gage?"
He felt her nod on his chest.
"Why him? Not that he's a bad guy and all. Was it just the rank?"
She was slow to answer. "He's a good man and he keeps the family safe. Even when he was shell shocked coming over from the Shiva, he tried to keep us safe."
"So why me? Good timing?" He was half joking, but he was also curious about why she chose him of all people. Was it what she had said when it was just him, Jake and Dixon in the room. Did she really see his eyes before the fleet came?
She lifted up her head to meet his gaze. "You're handsome and a good man."
"And I keep you and the family safe," he said ruefully.
She smiled softly. "You do. But I think you would do that even if I was with Gage or Jake or …or Boomer. That's why I love you. So, why me?"
He thought for a moment as she had a good point. He would have still protected her and the family, at least until they were settled and then he would have probably moved on if Rene wouldn't have him. He probably would have still checked up on them from time to time, but it was Rene he had wanted.
She interrupted his thoughts. "Boomer says it was good timing. I caught you between girlfriends."
Starbuck rolled his eyes and shook his head. "He's just telling you that because he's threatened by my good looks."
She narrowed her eyes at his attempt at humor. "It's still true though, right?"
"Yes, and no. That's not why I'm with you. You're daring and reckless and beautiful and…" He paused remembering the day after he met her. He had seen the lengths she was willing to go to save her friends and family. Hurting and vulnerable, she still took the sacrifice required. "You care, a lot. You don't put your needs first, ever. Even the stuff you stole from Caprica wasn't for you."
"Sounds a lot like Cassiopeia. So why me?" she persisted.
"You wanted me. She didn't." He felt the bitterness taint his words and he tried to hide it as he asked, "Even now you have Jake, and then there's Gage. I think he still wants you, so why me?"
Her eyes looked deeply into his own and for some reason he felt ashamed at the game he had started. Jealousy had got the better of him again and he'd used it to run away from what he was really feeling. She shifted her gaze back and forth from each of his eyes, as if she found something different in the left than in the right.
"You asked. You needed me. I needed you. Does the rest matter?"
"No," he said realizing it was the truth. He'd been impulsive when he'd asked Rene to wear his ring and she had hesitated, but not for the same reasons that had Cassie telling him no. Rene had worried about him, not herself, worried that he didn't really know her in the short time they had been together. When he had reasoned their days were short, she had taken his ring and his proposal.
He looked down and she was still analyzing him. "So your turn, pretty boy. Why aren't you sleeping well?"
He sucked in a breath. She deserved an answer even if it killed him to admit the truth. "I couldn't save you." The words felt like sandpaper scraping in his throat as they came out, so painful his eyes watered. "All I could do was listen to you scream my name and try not to scream back." He squeezed her tightly, closing his eyes as her whimpers and shouts echoed in the empty council chambers.
"Starbuck," she gasped out his name, "not so tight."
At her words he realized how tense his arms were, his fists clenched around her. He released his hold on her, dropping his arms out to his sides, trying to focus on his breathing as he willed his shoulders to relax.
"I didn't say to let go," she said softly.
He brought his arms back up to encircle her, holding on, but trying not to squeeze too hard.
"We were saved. It's over," she whispered into his chest.
"I know," he said quickly. "I know. I'm okay. It will get better." He squeezed her a little tighter, kissing the top of her head. "I'm just tired. We just need some rest before we star in the circus. I hear I get to wear a clown suit."
She chuckled lightly. "I thought you liked the dress uniform."
He appreciated that she let the issue go. He wanted to ask more about Iblis and what happened when she actually hit Dante back, but it felt so damn good to hear her laugh and to feel her in his arms. He looked out the viewport to his new home. She was pretty, sleek and recently repaired. Kind of like Starbuck. He'd been assured all four thrusters were operational now, but she only needed one to maintain the slow pace of the fleet.
"Someday," he mused out loud, "we can get the Zakar up to full speed and go on a real honeymoon."
She mumbled sleepily, "That will be nice."
"Yes it will, yes it will." He yawned and reminded himself that he needed the sleep as much as she did, but he would rather watch the Zakar than revisit the scenes of torture in his dreams.
He didn't know when sleep ambushed him, but it felt like he'd only been out for a few centons when Jason was touching Rene's shoulder shaking her awake. The kid was home from school, wondering if he should go get the kids.
"I've got it. It's my turn," she told Jason, letting him help her to her feet. Starbuck started to get up to help her, but she told him to stay. "Enjoy the quiet. I won't be long."
She was right, it was quiet in the chambers, but it wasn't for long as she returned with all of the kids, Crius's and Nik's, plus her own. Boxey was with them, trailing after Cain and Jason whom he idolized. Starbuck was trying to get up from the floor, his back letting him know that he had slept longer than he should have on a too hard surface, when the kids all attacked him, climbing over him like he was their own personal playground.
"Easy, let dad up," Jason laughed, reaching out a hand to help Starbuck up, baby Zachary in Jason's arms. He felt like an old man as he groaned, finally getting to a sitting position as the kids fought over who got to climb into his lap. Rene gave him a smile as she asked him to watch the kids while she got dinner started.
Cain got Jason, Lara and Boxey started on their homework with the promise of a board game later. Lizbet, Nik, Jonas, Alex and Max all walked in the chambers about a half centaur later, home from their trainings. Nik and Lizbet rescued him from their children. Maia and Dara were only a few centons behind them, Dara coming in the chambers and greeting Nik with a hug and kiss before heading in to help Rene with the meal.
Starbuck was wrestling with Kiff and Kalea while little Leia crawled across the chambers trying to pull herself up to her feet, when Crius, Boomer and Giles showed up. Giles rescued Leia before she could fall, leaving Starbuck with Kalea and Kiff. He hadn't moved far from their nest by the viewport, and he surveyed the room as Kiff and Kalea tumbled in the blankets and pillows. He remembered back to the dreams he had when he first met Rene, of a large family playing around him while he kicked back enjoying a good meal with a fumarello and an ambrosia. This was so close to his fantasy, just minus the planet and the home in the woods with his hunting trophies on the wall.
"Oh, who am I kidding?" he thought to himself, "I couldn't kill a stag. I don't have it in me to shoot an unarmed animal. And build a home? What do I know about carpentry?" This was perfect he reasoned. Crius came over and took a seat beside him, baby Zac in his arms. Starbuck asked his wingmate how the patrol went.
"So quiet I could hear the bovines moo on the agro ship. Just the way I like it. You look better. You get some rest?"
He nodded as he mumbled, "Yeah we did."
"Good. The next couple of cycles are going to be busy. We think Giles is going to make it official with Maia at your sealing celebration. Blue Squadron has an epic send off planned for you."
He groaned. "You'll be there to help corral things, right?"
"Of course. Lizbet will kill me if things get too out of control, but don't expect the rest of the Rats to show."
"They weren't invited? I'll fix that." Starbuck started to get up, but Crius reached for his arm to hold him back.
"They have their own plans for the night. Plus, they heard about what Blue Squadron has planned. A little too much for them. Don't take it personal."
"Oh lords, what do they have planned?" He'd meant it to include both groups, the former bunkmates and the Rats.
"Nothing to worry about. The Rats intend to take the kids to that puppet show that's on the IFB, and Lizbet heard there were honest to goodness bathing pools, so the girls have plans for that. Jake wants to practice for the celebration so if know them, they'll just spend most of the time playing music and sniping at each other."
As if the mention of his name had summoned him, Jake came in the room giving Starbuck and Crius an absent wave as he headed straight for the food prep area, coming back out with an ambrosia and a baked good, headed to the table checking on the older kids and their progress with homework. It was only a moment later when Rene came out too, taking her seat and pulling up to the table next to Lara.
"The gangs all here," Starbuck said as Boomer came over to join him and Crius. "So what does Blue Squadron have planned for me?"
Boomer laughed. "Revenge. Retribution. And I heard there will be ambrosia."
"Yeah about that," Starbuck drawled like Crius, "where did you, Rene and Jake hide all of it?"
"Get me drunk tomorrow and I might tell you about my secret stash," Boomer said winking at him.
"Lords, I just want to get to the honeymoon."