The next was the Squiggles, a show she completely despised as the tunes were simple chords with simple words. The actors had decent voices and the show contained some music education. She was surprised to find her opinion changing as they sat through the taping. The four singers involved her kids in the taping giving the IFB the shots of the family that they had wanted without Rene realizing what was going on. The singers were so good with kids that they won her over. Lords help her, she became a fan especially when the actors after the show came to talk with the family and they got to talking about music. All four men had been involved in the music industry before the destruction. They knew some of the people Jake had been playing with in his studio days.
That wasn't the only surprise of the evening. She knew Nik, Max and Jake plus the rest of the guys were going to go to the kids shows with her, Lisbet and Dara to help with the kids, but after that they still opted out of Starbuck's send off. She kept telling Jake it was okay, he needed to get in some guy time and get to know the pilots, but he just shook his head and mumbled something about making up for the mistakes he'd made.
"That was a long time ago," she had replied, but he just shrugged and they both pretended that nothing had been said. If she was honest with herself, he'd made up for anything he'd done wrong when he helped deliver Kalea. They had been on their own in their rustic cabin with little in the way of medical supplies. The doctor was too busy with real injuries, stuck in surgery and couldn't spare the time for a complicated birth of a girl child. Rene had been in labor for over twenty-four hours and they were both worried he was going to have to do something drastic. In between contractions, Jake read up on what to do. They both thanked the lords it didn't come down to a crude surgery in conditions far from clean when he was able to finally pull Kalea out. He then took her patrols and his for the next secton while she got back on her feet.
Jake's help more than made up for any mistakes he'd made, but she appreciated that he wasn't going to poke the old wound by trying to join in with the pilots. The real question was, why was he trying to be good now? Did he still want her, or was it just the thought that he might have lost her forever that had him making the effort? She wasn't going to look at it too closely. She just wanted to enjoy a night being herself with her friends.
After the kid's shows, they headed to check out the reception hall and get the instruments set up and ready to go. The kids were wound up and the space was large. A game of tag broke out that led to more games as Cain and Jason ran the toddlers ragged. Jake and Nik got things set up and they practiced a few songs, toying around with some new ones they working on. They got Cain on the drums and Jason on bass guitar for a few songs. They were awful, but they had fun being bad.
They played the kind of music they liked, loud and raw. With no one around to judge, Rene belted out more than a few songs, screaming out her rage at the errors she had made on Caprica. It felt great to share that emotion with people who understood. They eventually took a break and brought out the ambrosia and the cards. Jake poured her a glass and she didn't think twice about taking the drink. It was probably the only chance she was going to get before the cameras were on her all the next day. She could do this, she told herself, she was tough. Actually, this wasn't so bad as she laid down her cards, "Read them and weep, boys," she said as Jake looked to her, an evil grin on his face.
"Smile at me like you love me," he said and she did, wondering at the mischievous look that flashed in Jake's eyes. "Busted," he said motioning over his shoulder with his chin.
There was Starbuck looking dishevelled and angry.
"Oh frak." Her words just made her friends laugh.
Starbuck had been jealous, irrational and drunk. Normally that might be a recipe for disaster, but she was able to get him calmed down and back on his way to what was going to turn out to be an evening he probably wouldn't remember, but she was sure no one would let him forget.
Once the doors closed behind Apollo and Boomer's apologies, she let out the breath she'd been holding and felt her shoulders sag. Starbuck's words had hit a sore spot and she certainly wasn't pleased to find out that his friends had bought him a girl. He knew what she had been through, and tried to remember the socialator wasn't his idea. He didn't need to buy girls, there were more than a few willing to be with Starbuck.
She knew his reputation when she first started flirting with him just by how willingly he flirted back. Then there had been the moment she had found him with Cassiopeia and the warnings from Sheba. Rene hadn't boasted with Sheba. She could deal with the competition. It was Starbuck that couldn't take finding out that he might have a rival or two, but she had thought they were at least past him being jealous of Jake. Now he was blaming her for men she didn't even want to sleep with, opening up a wound that hadn't healed yet. Dante's words whispered in her ear, "You deserve what you get. You made me do this." She shivered trying to shake his voice from her head.
She flinched as Jake came up putting his arms around her shoulders. "So, you actually believe all that felgercarb you just blew up his tail pipe?"
She shook her head and pulled away from him. "Frak you." She started to head for the door, but Jake reached out grabbing her by the arm.
"I'm just kidding. Don't go."
She turned on him angrily, but the mirth had left his eyes and for just a moment he looked scared. She sighed heavily. "Don't frak with me, okay. You know how I feel about him and it doesn't change what we have."
"I know." He held tight. "Stay. I'll let you win."
"I don't want to win, I just want to not have to watch my back for ten centons, okay?"
"Deal. I'll behave."
She shook off his grip. "It's not me you need to be nice to. Cut him some slack!" She pointed towards the door and Starbuck's retreat. "He's never done this before."
"He did a couple of sectons ago," Jake quipped.
"You know what I mean! You and I, we had it different. We had siblings and parents and we've had each other. He's had nothing for a long time, and what friends he does have, he treats more like heroes, places them above himself and he doesn't measure up! Just because you didn't appreciate what you had doesn't mean you get to frak it up for him." She hissed the last sentence low for only his ears.
"So how did this turn into my fault?" Jake said backing up.
She crinkled her nose as she rubbed at her temple. "It's not. I just…we just…we need to…" She didn't know how to put into words what the two of them needed to do to make this easier for all of them.
"We? I'm trying to make this a we, but he's looking for just a you."
Rene shook her head to his words. "No, he's not or he wouldn't let Cain and Jason call him Dad or you call him brother. Just…lay off the gold cluster comments, okay?" She shook her head, going back to the table and taking her seat. "Turn up the music and let's play before I have to go and become the dancing bear for this circus."
Cain reached for the cards, his face worried as he surveyed those around the table. Jason clapped him on the back to let him know everything was okay. "I think Starbuck might have a new nickname."
"He gets mad when we call him 'old man'," Cain said as he shuffled the cards.
"Naw, he said it himself. He's stupid. So, are we still having a sealing tomorrow?" Jason asked.
"Yes," Rene barked, "and you are all going to do what you're told. That includes haircuts for all of you tomorrow. Now shut up and deal."
She tried to get back into the happy banter of her friends, but Starbuck's interruption had shattered the fragile illusion of hope and happiness she'd been trying to create. The headache began to grow and she couldn't concentrate on the cards, forgetting what went where. She didn't notice when they stopped dealing cards and instead just sat around the table drinking and smoking.
"Sorry," she muttered realizing she'd gotten lost somewhere.
They all said it was okay, and agreed they should probably get some sleep as they all had a lot to do the next day. Jake and Lisbet gathered all the kids as it had been agreed at some point earlier in the evening to give Nik and Dara a night to enjoy their fancy suite on their own. Rene considered letting them have the honeymoon suite, but knew that would be really interesting if Starbuck chose to wind up there that evening.
After they helped to get all the kids to the Honeymoon suite, Max, Alex and Jonas headed down to the chancery. She knew they were probably headed to the send off. Boomer might need the help to keep Starbuck out of trouble.
Once in the suite, Jake tried to gather the kids up for a bath.
"Come on, my little monsters," Jake shouted as Kiff squealed and ran at his cue. "I'm going to get you!"
Rene smiled as she watched Jake chase down his son, not needing to chase down Kalea as she followed in her father's footsteps. Now that Leia was crawling, she tried to follow but got tangled up with Nik's kids and Lisbet's. Jake ended up on the floor tickling the kids while they tickled him. Rene felt something come loose in her chest and she could finally draw a full breath, surprised at how good it felt. She joined them, and Jason and Lara wound up on the floor with them, with Cain standing awkwardly beside the pile.
"Let's get him!" Jake said when they all paused to notice Cain's hesitance. They reached for the tall kid who was shocked at first, then gave in to the hands tugging him down, laughing as everyone joined in to tickle him.
"I'm too big for this!" he protested. "I'm a cadet!" But the words had no effect and he dissolved into laughter and peals of "No, let me up!"
They finally relented when the young man claimed he couldn't breathe, mostly because none of them could around the laughter.
Lisbet discovered the televid had recorded movies available. Jason and Cain loaded up an action flick and settled in with mushies Lisbet and Lara had liberated from the minibar. Jason had Zak almost rocked to sleep while Jake started getting the kids ready for a bath and Rene focused on Leia. Jake whistled when he saw the bathing tub, then proceeded to strip off his own uniform. "You joining us?"
They both stripped down to their underwear and got all the kids into the tub. It was a good time splashing with Kiff and Calliope pretending that he could actually swim. They taught Leia how to blow bubbles in the water while Kalea and Daniel practiced jumps from the side. There were enough towels for everyone and ten more people if necessary. Rene sighed in ecstasy at the softness of the robe, reminding Jake that the other one was Starbuck's.
Jake raised an eyebrow as he dropped his wet boxers and wrapped a towel around his waist but left the robe alone. They got the kids dressed and settled down in the main room on the various couches. Cain didn't complain as he was handed Leia with a bottle. Kalea, Neri and Calliope snuggled in with Jason while Kiff and Daniel sprawled on the floor with Lisbet. Jake took up one of the other couches, throwing his arm wide beckoning Rene to his side. He hadn't bothered to get dressed himself, still sporting his towel and bare chest. She gave it a moment's thought as she was just in the robe and nothing else. She knew what this would look like if Starbuck walked in and then said "frak it." After his accusations, the known womanizer could stew in his own jealousy for the night. She settled in beside Jake letting him pull her in as he kissed the top of her head.
"That was a good day," he said wistfully. "I didn't think it would be or I would have tried to enjoy it more. Do you remember the last good day?"
She felt something inside snap and the memory burst forth, the night in the orchard as they all looked at the stars, Ari and his wife still alive. "Yeah, I remember. Those apples were sweet."
"Yeah they were," Jake answered kissing her head again. "Want to talk about it?"
She wasn't sure what he was referring to, whether it was the loss of Ari or Starbuck's words, but she didn't want to talk about either. "I just want to enjoy being on top for a change. Try to soak it up before we have to go back to the grey of the Galactica."
"The grey's not so bad. You can at least count on it to be the same every day. Kind of nice to know what to expect." She looked up at him in surprise. It was high praise for Jake. "Maybe I could learn to lean into it for a while," he replied to her surprised gaze.
"Lean in? I can't do this without you, you know that right? All or nothing. We dive in."
He shrugged, but the grin that he tried to hide made him look so much younger. "Don't worry, I'll be around when he screws this up. He's not all hero according to the rumors."
Before she could reply, the door to the suite chimed.
"Probably Starbuck. Forgot his key and ready to sleep it off," she said disengaging herself from Jake and getting to the door before anyone else.
She was surprised to find it was not Starbuck at the door, but Gage.
"What are you doing here?" she blurted out before realizing it had to be something that had gone wrong.
He read the fear in her eyes before he reached out a hand touching her shoulder, something he had not done since Dixon and Caprica.
"Nothing is wrong. I just have a favor to ask you." Gage's voice was steady, but his face flushed.
"Should I be concerned?" Rene asked taking a step back in shock wondering if the man had been drinking. He didn't imbibe often, but when he did, he took it seriously, making sure he was good and wasted.
"No, I just needed to talk to you before the sealing. It's just about you and me." His face flushed even deeper, but there was no familiar scent of ambrosia coming from him.
She looked back into the room and her family sprawled all around. At one time in the not so recent past, it was Gage that was looking out for all of them, making sure the kids stayed safe and out of Dante's wrath. He'd seen that they had what they needed, from food and clothing to medical care and child care. Gage had been close, but in the last few sectons he had been away on the Zakar helping out Apollo.
But it was more than just that. Since the first sectons on the Galactica, he'd been pulling away. She had thought that was maybe for the best, but then she'd melted down in front of too many important people. Dixon had become involved, and so had Gage, removing any doubt she had about the Colonel's intentions with her and the family. He still saw himself as their guardian and was willing to break a few rules to accomplish that goal.
She'd not had a chance to talk with him since Caprica, but for him to show up now had her worried. Jake started to get up, seeing the concern in her eyes, but she waved him off before facing Gage again. "Everyone's asleep. Let's talk in the corridor," she said as he backed up, allowing her to shut the door behind her. That was a mistake as once in the bright lights of the hallway she was conscious of the robe and not much else she was wearing. The gossip mongers were everywhere in the fleet and news travelled faster than vipers.
"Gage, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to the send off? If Starbuck or his friends see you here, he's going to go ballistic." She scanned the corridor around them assuring that they were alone before turning back to her friend, sometimes lover, always a colonial Colonel.
"Who's walking you down the aisle?"
She physically jerked at the question before scanning the corridor again and sighing. "Gage, this isn't your concern right now. I think maybe we need to talk about…"
He cut her off. "Who? Just tell me."
She shook her head knowing that she should have talked with him sooner, drew the line and set the boundaries. "Not that it should matter to you, but Cain is. It seemed the safest choice at the time for the cameras."
Gage shook his head. "I want to walk you down the aisle."
She nearly growled in anger as her nose crinkled. This talk was long overdue, which meant it could wait even longer. "You think that's such a good idea? You told everybody about us. Not sure that makes you a good candidate for even being at the sealing. Starbuck's a jealous man."
Gage winced before levelling his eyes upon her with an authoritative look. "I didn't tell everybody, I told command who needed to know what they were dealing with."
"Which is everybody. There are no secrets on that Battlestar. Everyone knows everything about everybody," Rene snapped not intimidated by his attempt at being commanding. "What they were dealing with could stay back on Dilmun. You made that clear." She turned to head back into the room but his hand on her shoulder pulled her back as he stepped closer, his other hand reaching for her. The flash of anger in her eyes only made him step even closer, his voice suddenly raspy.
"I had to explain why I was asking so many questions about Starbuck, especially if it was a good idea for him to be with you. And…" Gage sucked in a breath pausing, "and I asked if the rules had changed here as they did in Dante's fleet, if you and I could be…"
His words faltered but she didn't miss the ragged breathing.
"Could be what Gage?" It came out harsh, almost a snarl as the feelings of betrayal rose in her chest.
He ignored the words as he tried to go forward, "I found out they had not, and that Starbuck is apparently a somewhat decent officer. He could be…so I…"
He pulled in a deep breath as if trying to calm himself and she wondered again at how much he'd had to drink that night, his eyes wide and his pulse pounding in his neck. She ventured the question again, softer this time.
"Could be what, Gage? What was I ever to you but convenient? You didn't want me. You were always regretful afterwards. You wanted…" She shook her head not really knowing what the man wanted. He wasn't unwilling, but he also didn't seek her out like others had.
That night on Dilmun when she found him in the back of the tavern some of the enlisted had created, a place to avoid officers and to find a mug of homebrewed ale and a fast meal, he looked so lost. He shouldn't have been there, but no one else was brave enough to tell him so. He was drunk and stumbling, looking like he was about to cry in his ale. She knew that look too well and it didn't lead to good things. She needed Gage alive in her world, needed the protection he provided. She offered a hand to let him know he wasn't alone. That's all Jake needed sometimes, just a touch to feel like he was needed in this life.
When she could convince the man to head back to his recently built home, she had intended to just get him to bed to sleep it off. She couldn't remember what made her kiss him, but the memory was clear enough that she knew it had been her that started it. But he had taken it from there, suddenly far more able and sober than she first thought.
He'd avoided her for the next secton and that was fine. She figured he had gotten what he needed, but he kept showing up at the tavern, then at her home. It always took a few drinks before he suggested he should go home. He never asked her to go with him and many nights he just left and that was that. Some nights, she walked him home and stayed. Then there came the nights, she knocked on his door and he didn't turn her away despite the shame he would feel the next morning.
But he never asked. They both knew it was her that was hunting him. He just fell for the trap.
"I wanted you." His voice was a husky whisper. She barely caught the words as she shook her head. They sounded like the truth but she knew that words meant nothing.
He hesitated looking down for a moment before looking back up into her eyes. "It was more than convenience, Rene. You're beautiful and so full of life. We could have been…more. Had I been braver…stronger. Before the Galactica I had so little to offer you. And once we were here, I didn't pursue it because Starbuck seemed to genuinely care for you. He knows you are using him and he doesn't mind. He gives you what you want and more."
"I'm not using him," Rene said softly. Gage quirked an eyebrow at her, an acknowledgment that he thought she was lying, but he let the statement go by.
"He thinks the child is his and hasn't asked about anyone else has he?"
She looked away. Gage was playing serious triad tonight, no feints or fake throws, straight for the goal and he was right, Starbuck hadn't asked. He assumed the child was his and if he had doubts, he suspected it might be Jake or Dante who was the father. Both she and Gage knew full well it was neither of them. She had been careful with Dante, even more so with Jake. But with Gage, she'd been doing the complete opposite, making sure she found him alone on just the right days, actively trying to carry his child in the hopes that he would finally commit to protecting her and the family from Dante and his lackeys. Gage was right, the odds were better the child was his rather than Starbuck's.
He reached for her chin, gently guiding her eyes back to his as he asked the question again, "He hasn't asked, has he, even though he knows about you and me?"
She sighed heavily. "No, he hasn't asked. I don't think it's yours."
He nodded looking deeply into her eyes. "Maybe I want it to be. Had the Galactica not come along, I would have…" He paused again.
"So what was stopping you?" she asked sarcastically. This talk was so long overdue that it was almost ridiculous. He was there when she sealed with Starbuck a few sectons ago, the real sealing. He'd said nothing then, nothing since. What had happened to make him initiate the conversation now?
"Seriously you have to ask?" he replied gently stroking her jaw line with his thumb, something that never failed to send a shiver down her spine.
"Starbuck is nearly as old, and it hasn't stopped him."
"Maybe it should have," he argued but his thumb still lightly stroked her face. "But no, it was more than that. You're closer to my daughter's age than my own and you're nothing like my wife."
"She's dead Gage." His thumb froze and she regretted the words.
"I know. It's not what stopped me from being with you. I was ashamed. I still am."
"I was an adult, Gage. Plus I know a thing or two more than people twice my age."
He shook his head, remorse sagging his shoulders, but he kept the grip on her chin. "No, it wasn't the age difference or even the rank. We both know I didn't take advantage of you. You used me. I couldn't say no, you didn't give me a chance to. I'm not ashamed of that. I can't forgive myself for the fact I should have done more. I didn't act. I didn't do what I should have, for you and for…for so many others. It took me a while to understand. I was in survival mode on Dilmun, half dead on the Zakar. It's taken me a while to wake up. You helped to make me feel alive when I didn't want to be. Everything I had once loved was dead and the future seemed like a dangerous thing until the Galactica arrived. You gave me hope and all I had to give was a few nights free from abuse that I should have stopped."
She shivered as his fingers began to stroke her jaw line, but it was more than the touch that had her shaking. "He would have killed you. You did what you could and…" She quelled the memories threatening to come to her. "He spilled so much blood as it was. Without you it would have been more and you would have just been another drop in the flood."
His other hand came up like he wanted to pull her close, but she tensed and he dropped his arm back to his side, but his gaze intensified. "You are stronger than I am. You lost so much, and you never gave up. You were still fighting Dante and it was ludicrous that you were looking at me for protection. I'm a weak man. I'm not sure I could have given you the safety you were looking for."
She looked away again, jerking her chin out of his grip. "You did. You could have…" She shrugged before looking back to him.
He nodded his head shakily. "I would like to think I would have, but the truth was, you saved me. I was almost done when you found me, and I know you realize that. You knew when I was close to losing my grip. You offered hope and it was so damn sweet that I couldn't take it. I owed you more than I gave. You gave me so much. You reminded me that maybe I am worth saving."
He reached for her again, a hesitant finger lightly stroked her face. "I hope it's his, and if not, that it's mine. It would an honor to have Starbuck raising my child. He will do a better job than I could."
She closed her eyes, afraid of the swell of emotion that was rising within her. If he took his life, his death would be on her hands. She felt responsible for Gage but what could she do for him now? Nothing that Starbuck would understand. Her body was his now and she didn't know what else she could offer. She opened her eyes to find his were still upon her, guilt in his gaze.
"You sound like you're giving up now. Warriors don't give up." She tasted betrayal in her mouth as she tossed out the accusation.
"On you, yes. On this life, no. You and Starbuck, you've shown me the way forward. I will follow you just like I did to Caprica and back. So, grant me this honor. Let me give you away to the better man."
It was a compelling reason and she nodded leaning into his touch. She couldn't deny him and wondered if he asked for more if she would give it to him? But he wouldn't ask, he was too honorable a man for that.
"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you." She reached for the hand at his side, gripping it tight. "I need you."
She felt him tremble as he swallowed hard. He leaned towards her, his body tense with the fight he was waging. For a moment she was afraid that he would step closer and actually kiss her. She was even more scared about what she would do, kiss him or push him away. It was a coin toss which it would be or maybe both, but he read the conflict in her and held his position.
She decided to end the battle letting go of his hand and stepping back. "Alright, you can give me away, but you get to explain to him why."
"Understood. I will before the ceremony. He owes me."
She nodded. "He owes me too. You hear about the send-off?"
Gage nodded. "The rumors were flying before the party even began. I'm actually shocked you allowed it to happen."
She shrugged again. "Not sure I could stop it. At least here the girls have agreed to it and get paid. If that's how she wants to make her living, who am I to judge? I fraked Colonels to get ahead."
The words hit their target as Gage winced and backed away. She hated doing it, but he had made his choice back on Dilmun. He'd have to live with his lost chances just like she had to live with all her own poor decisions.
"Try not to forget, I'm on your side," he said as he turned away.
It was her turn to feel ashamed. She watched his back until he disappeared around the turn of the corridor before heading back in. Jake beckoned her back to his side and knew he would want to know what had happened, but this had nothing to do with him. She headed past him to the turbo needing something to quiet the voices that were beginning to shout in her head. "He couldn't do anything because he agreed with me," Dante whispered, "you're nothing but a pretty face. Do what you're told and maybe you'll become something useful. Your body might be good for something."
She stared at herself in the large mirror for a moment knowing the voice was true. She hadn't been enough for Gage to act, wasn't good enough now. Just a pretty face, nothing more. She looked away and began to rummage in the drawers of the vanity searching through the small bottles of shampoo and soap. The razor she found wasn't going to do much damage, a cheap disposable. She wondered if she could get it apart, was prying at the plastic, slicing a finger when his voice cut above the others rising in her head screaming out her faults and weaknesses.
"Rene, don't!" His arms were around her, pulling her hands away. He held on tight as the panic rose, irrational and unreasonable as the ILs and their devices and wires. Her breath caught on something and pulled from her while she struggled to get air into her lungs, her knees buckling. He followed her down to the floor, his voice warning and reassuring. "Don't. The kids are here. We're all here. Don't do this. Hold it in. Come on, baby."
The cool of the floor and the warmth of his chest helped as he held her repeating the words over and over. "Come on baby, pull it together." It was his warm kiss to her neck that finally worked to get her to breathe, his lips brushing her ear helped the shattered pieces to fit back together, his whispered words tickling. "That's it, shove it down." She swallowed hard consuming the emotions.
He kept kissing her neck and nuzzling her ear, his body pressing into hers until she could stop shaking. His hands moved from their tight hold, beginning to stroke and caress her arms, reaching to push aside the robe. "Stop it. We can't," she was finally able to choke out.
"He won't know. Kind of deserves it." His teeth nibbled her ear and she tried to pull away.
"Stop it!" She fought his hold and he eased up, his lips pulling away from her neck. They lay there like that for a few centons, both of them motionless except for their breathing that soon fell into sync. She became conscious of the cold floor contacting her skin, his warmth against her as he shivered.
Abruptly he got to his feet and pulled her up.
"Fine," he said angrily reaching for the discarded towel to wrap back around his waist, "but if you're going to fall apart, then what the frak does it matter? We go down, we go down together."
"Jake," she hissed in warning, but he took hold of her hand leading her back out to the main room, pulling her down to the sofa as if nothing had just happened. They sat there stiff and awkwardly until the vid ended. Cain loaded up another one and Jake kissed the top of her head.
"Get some sleep," he said softly and she knew he was right. She was fine, she was. She could do this. She could keep going in these grey ships and try to make something resembling a life. She could give all of herself away. She could be better or at least pretend to be. She shut her eyes and tried to shut her ears to the voices as they mumbled, one voice calling louder than the others, the melodious voice beckoning. "Give me what I want and I can give you so much more. Follow me and I will be all that you want." She snuggled into Jake's chest, felt his arms around her. She forced the voices away, willing the other voices to her ears, the chatter of the comm. "There it is. What my father always searched for…Earth."