A little bit of overview for the readers who I hope don't get too cross with me. This is obviously a Fic derived from Fallout 4 (IF YOU HAVEN'T COMPLETED IT YET, SPOILERS ARE WITHIN, SO HALT!) I was dying to write some Sole Survivor/Danse romance. He's an amazing character with, what I felt, tons of layers of angst. But if you've ever gallivanted the Commonwealth, you'll find there isn't a lot of dialogue to work with, so some of his lines may be a tad out of character, bear with me.

On another note, this is my first piece I've written since I had my son two years ago, so the flow will seem a bit choppy and for that I apologize. This is also my first time experimenting with first person (which generally I'm really opposed to) for any errors, I again, apologize! With that being said, I hope you enjoy!

This story is M and is suggested for only those 16+

This story has adult themes throughout, I'll tag incoming bits with an M. Feel free to skim over it if you'd like!

THINKING OUT LOUD

That moment in Danse's quarters replayed in my head on a loop. I thought of all the things I could have said. All the things I should have said. But something about that man bent me in directions I never knew I even had. It was like arguing with a very large, reinforced, brick wall. That also had big brown eyes, a nauseatingly charming smile and the voice of a monotone movie star.

I could think back to arguments I had had with Nate before the Great War. We'd bicker of coffee, laundry, what was for dinner- but I never questioned how he felt. With him is was always so black and white. There weren't all these dimensions and struggling. I knew without a doubt he would follow me to the ends of the earth. He would die for me and he would always love me despite the circumstances. But with Danse... it was all so very unpredictable. I couldn't make the distinction between up or down. Like I was in purgatory just for wanting to be near him. Maybe this was my punishment for dragging my family into that vault. I deserved every bit of it.

So, there I was. About to break into the headquarters of the Commonwealth's bogeyman. I stood awkwardly in front of Sturges and Danse. Sturges worked the control panel as Danse stood there, well, being Danse. Scanning the land for some unseen enemy and taking up space. I snorted inwardly as I looked at him.

I was standing on a platform surrounded by metal and wire. The Signal Interceptor. It looked like we had stolen a few pieces from Doctor Frankenstein. Sturges looked up from the board and smiled at me.

"You ready to get this party going?"

I smiled sheepishly, "Fire this bad-boy up."

Danse stepped towards me. "Wait," he said gruffly. He moved around uncomfortably and looked at Sturges. "Give us a minute," he motioned with a tilt of his head.

I was prepared for a profound confession of love, a few kind words or encouragement from the Paladin. "Don't forget your mission," he said calmly. Of course. The mission. It always was the mission with him.

"My son comes first," I snapped, a snarl on my lips. He didn't respond for a moment.

"And watch your back." That was as sentimental as it was going to get, I suppose.

I mentally prepared myself, but I couldn't stop the churning of my stomach. The possibilities piled on me like boulders. Shaun could be dead for all I knew. He could be brainwashed, hurt or something worse. The only thing I had was hope and right then it didn't feel like enough.

Sturges returned and nodded at me quietly. It was go time. With the flick of a lever everything was put into motion. I was tempted to make him stop. To leave and never come back. Maybe I could start selling chems in Diamond City? Maybe even get a nice little shack. Get really old and grumpy, chase kids off of my lawn and shake a cane at them.

Everything was suddenly very cold. Like a snowstorm coming in through an open window. My face was alight with electricity, my body humming from the immense power. I could taste copper on my tongue. I panicked for a moment, throwing my hands up. But within in seconds, I was gone. The world just, disintegrated into a million, blue, wavering pieces.

And there I was. The Institute.

At least, I thought so. I reached up and touched my lip. As I pulled my hand back, I found drops of blood on my fingertips, bright and crimson. A nosebleed, which wasn't surprising given what I'd just done. I wiped my nose with my sleeve and walked forward. My steps echoed back at me. There was no one at the control panel, to what I assumed, was the way people left and returned to this place. A giant circular compartment lined with gadgets and machinery, none of which I could identify.

Without warning, a voice echoed over an intercom.

"Hello Fox. Welcome to the Institute."

Well that was unnerving. I kept walking, slowly picking up pace. They already knew I was there, which gave them ample time to react.

"I've been waiting your arrival. We all have. It was only a matter of time before you figured out a way in."

I ran to a circular elevator that opened before me. It could be an ambush. At this point it really didn't matter. I was either leaving this place with Shaun or with answers.

I stepped in and it closed around me, bring me up a long chute.

"Shaun is here and he safe."

I flicked my eyes up and down, watching their world unfold around me. White, pristine and most of all, safe. I couldn't believe they were all here and left all of us out there. Dying, mutating. I felt sick to my stomach suddenly and held in a nervous gasp. I couldn't fathom what was happening.

The elevator made its final stop. The doors opened slowly and I hesitated to step out. I took the rifle from my shoulder, slowly. Cautiously I entered the white room and nearly fell to my knees.

There before me was a glass room, where a little boy sat playing, quietly. My eyes swelled up with tears, my stomach dropped to the bottom of me. I sprinted to the room and pressed my hands to the glass, my gun swinging back to my side. The little boy hardly noticed me. I held in a sob.

"Sh-Shaun?" I half whimpered. The little boy looked up at me, blinking. I couldn't really be sure that it was him. I had never seen him grow up. I wasn't there. I didn't know what foods he liked, if he had dreams, hopes and fears.

"Who are you?" he asked quizzically, standing to his feet, a teddy bear swinging in his hand. I pressed my forehead to the glass.

"I'm here. Mommy's here now," I sighed, my breath fogging up the glass. He looked at me with a furrowed brow. I smiled through my tears and wiped my eyes. "It's okay, we're leaving this place."

"Help me Father!" he yelled, panicked. I shook my head.

"No, it's me! I'm your mother!" My voice cracked as my heart burst into a million pieces. He didn't know me.

"Help me! She's going to take me away! Help me Father!"

I wanted to smash the glass, take him in my arms and tell him it was okay.

Suddenly, a door to my right opened and an old man walked in. A man in his sixties, pale skin, graying hair and tired eyes.

"Shaun, S9-23, Recall Code Cirrus," was all he said. Shaun immediately stood up straight, tilted his head down and went quiet. I looked at him, flabbergasted. What was happening? "Fascinating... but disappointing. The child's responses were not at all what I anticipated. He's a prototype, you understand."

My mouth opened and closed as I looked between the man and Shaun. I didn't understand.

"We're only just now beginning to explore the effects of extreme emotional stimuli." He opened his arms to soothe me. The look on my face was surely of shock. "Please, try to keep an open mind. I recognize that you are emotional and that your journey here has been fraught with challenges. Let's start anew. I am Father. Welcome to the Institute."

"What did you do with my son? Where is Shaun!" I could feel the sting of tears once more, my hand reaching for my rifle.

"He's here. In the Institute. Closer than you think." The cool tone in his voice put me on edge. There was little between me and killing that man. My hands clenched, teeth tightened like a snare trap. "You have traveled very far and suffered a great deal to find your son. Well, your tenacity and dedication have been rewarded."

My heart raced. "It's good to finally meet you... after all this time. It's me. I am Shaun. I am... your son."

After those words, I think I had blacked out. Mentally. Everything he said made sense, but I couldn't accept it. I wanted to scream, to tear out my hair and go back to the year before the bombs dropped. I wanted nothing more than to have my infant son in my arms. If I thought hard enough I could see that this man was my son. That he had my smile, his father's eyes. And I didn't know if what he had done, what he had put people though, myself included, was something I could so readily forgive.

When I finally transported back to Sanctuary, my skin was translucent with sweat. My eyes glazed, having peered into a future I didn't want to accept. Danse stood there, by the Signal Interceptor, a look of surprise on his face. I don't think he really expected me to come back alive. Or even at all. He quickly approached me, taking my shoulders in his arms firmly.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," he said tilting his head, his eyes exploring my own blank orbs. When I didn't reply, he forced his gaze on me and said, "Did you get what you wanted?" his voice tense, impatient, "Did you find Doctor Li?"

For a moment, all I could do was breath, slowly, concentrating on how heavy my body felt. "I can't do it, Danse," I whispered. He looked at me as if I had insulted him, deeply.

"What do you mean?" a chord of anger in his voice.

"I can't help you. I can't help Maxson or the Brotherhood destroy that place."

"What!? Do you know what you're saying? You're letting those monsters get away with their monstrosities against humanity? All that they have done, all they will do?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered in a voice filled with shame and pathetic disappointment.

"We are literally, inches from taking these bastards down and you are sorry? We put our trust in you. We were counting on you. I was counting on you. Don't you understand? As long as the Institute exists, there will never be peace. They wont be happy until every single human has been replaced with synth. Until there is nothing left but cold, hard machines."

"You don't understand," I said, pleaded.

"Make me understand Delta, make me understand what is so goddamn important that you'd risk this? Did they offer you money? Power? A shining little place among them?"

I was shocked to think he could think I was so easily swayed. I resisted the temptation of uppercutting him. I was too weak to start a scuffle with him anyway. I simply began walking away into the darkness. I didn't know how long I had been there. I just knew I needed to be alone.

"Listen to me goddammit," he said stepping into my path. I stopped, staring at the duty ground. "You are not walking away from this. I will not let you." He grabbed my shoulders again, this time tightly, roughly. He gave me a good, light shake, "You would let them live, after what they did to you. What they did to Shaun?"

"They ARE Shaun!" I shouted at him. He let go, giving me a confused gaze. I growled through my teeth and fell to my knees, putting my hands into the dust. "I can't kill them, because he is one of them! I can't help you... because my baby boy is Father!" I knew he knew the name. Like a revered demon, his name was never used. But you weren't in the inner circle like Danse and not know these things. I sucked in a sharp, bitter breath of cold air and looked up at my comrade. "Don't you understand?" I whispered.

"I..." he was lost for words. For once, he didn't have a manual to go by. He searched the night sky for an answer, scratching his chin. Slowly, hesitantly, he reached down and picked me up, setting me on my feet. As gently as one can in power armor, he moved a strand of hair from my sticky face. "He's not here with you," he stated, gently. I shook my head, hugging myself tightly.

"He... is not what I imagined. He's an old man. The last time I saw him, he was tiny enough to fit into a basket. I never saw him grow up, Danse. I never got to see him ride a bike, learn to read. I never got to watch him fall in love. He's... he's older than me."

Danse sighed and picked up my rifle, placing it in my hands. "He's a monster, Delta. Just because he is your son, does not make him innocent. Try to understand, what he is willing to do, in the name of science."

"I know that," I trailed off, trying to avoid his gaze. "You think because I'm his mother I forgive him and the Institute?" My voice was shaky, uncertain.

"Let's get Maxson that holotape, and we'll take it from there."

Yes, I couldn't wait to face that pompous windbag. I was dying to explain to him my only child was his nemesis.

We didn't travel back to the Prydwen by Vertibird, per my request. Although, I'm sure Danse was crawling out of his skin waiting to get back to his idol. I just needed time to sort out everything in my head. My world was so much more complex than I had hoped for. I had my life before the Great War and I had the reality of what it was now. There were people I cared for in this desolate wasteland. Garvy and the Minutemen, Danse... I couldn't really say I cared for the Brotherhood, but they had become a part of me. Shaun and the Institute were causing harm.

Shaun had explained to me that he was taken as a infant as an asset to humanity. The Institute needed a subject, void of radiation. An infant tucked away in a vault was pivotal to their trials. I'd been in that tube longer than I had though. Long enough for Shaun to be sixty, not ten. Over time, synths became a reality and he their leader.

But at what point had it become okay for my son to abandon the world above? Abandon me. He never looked for me. Never reached out. They were tucked away safely while they kidnapped people, hired thugs and watched us waste away into nothingness. There wouldn't be anything, left to save, as Shaun had claimed.

I admit I had nothing personally against synths. They were just machines, elaborate machines that I'd had no real desire to exterminate. The Institute as a whole is what scared me. After all, they had killed my husband and kidnapped my child.

As we trudged along, Danse silently watched me. Maybe he was waiting for me to make a run for it. I caught his gaze and he stopped where he stood. I turned around and motioned forward.

"Come on, I'd like to sleep in some semblance of shelter tonight," I groaned, pushing my hands into the small of my back and stretching.

"What are you thinking? I want to know."

I rolled my shoulders and started forward, him following a few footfalls behind. "I'm thinking that I'm really hungry."

"Delta," he sighed, unamused.

I gave a heavy, exaggerated sigh. "What do you want me to say Danse? Sure, go ahead, nuke my son. Hey, while you're at it, stab me with this rusty kitchen knife," he stopped for a moment, kicked a small rock and adjusted the strap on my gun. "I don't know what to think. I just don't know." He didn't respond, just kept walking. We dragged on a few more feet before he spoke once more.

"I think you know what the right thing is," he said gruffly, looking sideways at me.

"What's the right thing?"

"To stop the Institute."

"And you're the authority on what's right, are you?" I said sarcastically.

Without warning, he was raising his voice at me. "Will you stop it? What do you want, Delta?"

"I... I don't fuckin' know!" I shouted at him, throwing my hands up. "I want, food, foremost." He growled at me. I laughed lightly, "I want to wake up and this all be a dream," I motioned to the dusty earth, shambles of buildings and dying plant life. "I want to wake up next to Nate and kiss him. I want to find my son in his crib, crying. I want barbecues, fresh coffee, cars, mailmen and for the love of god I want a hot shower and clean cloths," I shouted into the desert, resting my hands on the top of my head.

We traveled on in silence after that, until we reached an old barracks. Danse went about building a cooking fire and I scrounged around for something, anything to eat. I managed to find a container of Salisbury steak and produced two bottles of water.

Danse took the water, but declined eating. I shrugged and ate, happily lulling my stomach. After the sad excuse for dinner, Danse reluctantly left his power armor. Watching him leave it was like watching fascinating. He always seemed so exposed and pathetic. To my surprise he start disrobing down to his skivvies. I looked away and started poking a sad little stick at our fire. I don't know why I started blushing. I'd seen way more than of him before. He poured the rest of his water on his head and shook it off, sending droplets in my direction.

"Funny, I don't remember a forecast calling for rain," I said dully, entertaining myself.

"I hope not, my armor will rust up," he said, clearly not catching my joke. My eyes naturally rolled, dramatically. He was now looking up at the sky and shaking his head. "No, I think we're okay for the night." I just snorted and poked the fire some more. Trying to find whatever answers I wanted inside it, I suppose.`

He sat down beside me and looked out into the wastes. I always went through that man's head. Did anything? Were the words "All Hail the Brotherhood!" played on a continuous loop, maybe? Seemed likely.

I stood up and approached his power armor. I cupped my chin in one hand and admired it for a moment. I had never been in any, it seemed, awkward, to me. Danse watched me for a moment before speaking. "Want to try her on?" I looked at him surprised. He stood up and strolled over, his dog-tags clinking against his skin. "Here," he said as he turned knob on the back and opened it up. It hissed and each piece unfurled, inviting me inside. I looked at it skeptically. He ushered me in. Awkwardly, I lifted myself in, and it closed behind me. I steadily turned around. It felt like weights were hanging off of my every limb. He nodded slowly. "You look good in that," he said crossing his arms and appraising me. I'm sure this was much like pornography for him. I bet he had dirty pictures of women standing around in power armor too.

"I don't know. I feel fat," I said flatly, putting my hands on my hips and looking down at my chest. Believe it or not, he actually chuckled. So jokes weren't totally lost on him. At least not anything relating to or pertaining armor, war and weaponry. I walked about a bit more, tried using my weapon and jumping. All of which he found very amusing.

Out of nowhere, the skies turned a noxious shade of green. Lightening flashed overhead and thunder rolled in like a hungry beast. The landscape was alight in a radiation storm. I always hated them. They came without warning and smelled awful. Like rotting earth and sulfur. I noticed the suit's built in Geiger counter rise and fall. Danse quickly took cover under the small amount of the bunker that was left. I followed him and attempted to crouch down, but I just ended up tripping on rubble. He steadied me and turned the knob on the suit to release me. I tried to exit carefully, but fell out much like a limb from a dead tree. He caught me at the crooks of my elbow and straightened me out. This was definitely close quarters, and a bit too close for him. He moved to give me room. We stood shoulder to shoulder. I watched as the fire whipped and curled away in the wind. It died slowly and we both gazed on silently.

Finally Danse broke the silence. "It shouldn't last long," he stated. I nodded in the hazy darkness. I shifted uncomfortably next to him, feeling the heat building between us. The silence continued as the storm glowed on, spitting and crackling above us. It seemed like an eternity before he spoke again. "Would you, really want to wake up next to... him?" I looked at him, a little startled. I took a moment, breathing there shallowly next to him.

"I want my old life back," I replied quietly. I couldn't see his face, only when the lightening flashed.

"Even if it meant..." he trailed off, I didn't have to see his face to know what he was thinking.

"Even then," I replied steadily. "I just want to feel normal." He shifted next to me.

"This is normal, to me," he said blankly.

"You know it's not for me."

"It can be."

"No, it never can be."

"So, what then, you just continue to be unhappy?"

"No..." my voice seemed high, raw and uncertain.

"Then, what?"

"I don't know."

"Well-"

"I wish I had died in the vault. That's what I want. I wish I had died the day the bombs dropped. Or caught the flu and died before any of this happened."

He was silent again.

"When you kill my son- when you kill Father..." I started, taking in a breath. "Just let me die with him," I said. And for once I was serious.

"I'm not doing that."

"I'll find someone who will. You can buy hired guns like that," I snapped my fingers, "around here."

"You're being irrational again," he said gruffly.

"No, for once I'm being completely rational."

"Killing yourself is not the answer a rational person would have."

"Fine then. I'm irrational." My face was smug.

"I could make you happy," he said slowly, like he was reading a script. I flashed back to the day in his quarters. I want to make you happy.

"No you can't. You can't be something you're not."

He took my face in his hands. I felt the warmth run down my arms and legs. "Tell me what you want. You want a house? I'll build you one. You want mailmen? I'll find a uniform and deliver it to you every day. You want fresh coffee, I'll search from here to the Capital Wasteland. Tell me what you want, Fox."

"You can't give me what I want."

"Love." His voice was stern, almost repulsed by the word. I touched his hands and lowered them from my face.

"Love," I repeated. The silence was overwhelming. I wanted to just shrivel away from there and never come back.

"Okay," he said simply. "I love you." I didn't know whether to be angry and shocked. I shook my head.

"It doesn't work like that," I explained. His lips brushed mine in silence. His hand running through my hair, the other touching my hip. It was like he had sucked the air right out of my lungs. His lips parted mine, soft, gentle, inviting. When he finally broke off, he sighed heavily.

"Like what?" he breathed. I searched the darkness for words. "If loving you means never losing you, then goddamnit woman, I love you." He kissed me again, hard. I pulled back.

"I'm confused-"

"Shut up, Knight," he said gently, pulling me back. I always had a knack for ruining the sentimental. His hands roved over me, greedily. I took it all in, there in the darkness. The storm fading back bitterly into black in the distance. The far off flash of lightening illuminated the land once more before disappearing with a low rumble of thunder.

Although the blackness had consumed us both, we moved like one person. His hands found the right places and touched with delicate fervor. My own hands unafraid to find his own body underneath them. There in that sticky, tepid dark, we made love.

Moving slowly, he finished what we had started in his quarters. Only this time I felt safe and sure. Somewhere in the tangled mess of our bodies, he found my lips and pressed his own against them. He breathed into me, "Let me take care of you," he sighed. I was losing touch, the taste of him on my lips, his hands on me like I've never known.

"If you think you can," I murmured back, biting his lower lip. I could feel and hear him grin.

"Is that a challenge, soldier?" he said, roughly. He pinned my hands above my head and playfully nipped the side of my neck.

"Well," I said between stifled moans, "Show me."

"Ad Victorium," he replied.