GLIMPSE:

A Resident Evil Short Story

Starring:

Leon S. Kennedy and Claire Redfield

Guest Starring:

Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, Rebecca Chambers, Sherry Birkin, Albert Wesker and the Ghost of Ada Wong

Part Seven:

Nut Punch

Raccoon City - 2006

No matter which way he turned, the hoard had him surrounded. He was dead where he stood. He was worm food. He was finished.

The game was a total turd fest. Resident Evil was a complete fucking disaster. The plot was horrid - the game play clunky - the dialogue atrocious. By the time he reached the battle with Salazar, Leon was shouting, "ASHLEY! SHUT THE FUCK UP! The next damn time you shout for me to catch you because you can't GO DOWN A LADDER I'm going to leave you for the wolves!"

From the kitchen, Claire chuckled.

Leon lost his head, again, to the chainsaw man and chucked the controller. "Fuck this game. Seriously. Why do I play it?"

Surviving the real thing had been easier! It was utter clown shoes.

Ben handed him a banana and they sat on the couch munching before the boy mused, "Probably cause it makes you feel like a hero."

And there it was. He wasn't a hero anymore. He was just a guy in a modest house in the suburbs with a wife and a couple of tater tots. In her monstrous contraption of death, otherwise known as a walker, Gigi gave him a gummy grin and waved the can of chili she was holding.

Curiously, Leon mused, "Babe?"

From the kitchen, Claire called back, "Sup?"

"Why does the baby have four alarm texas butt rocket in a can?"

Claire poked her head in the living room and laughed, "It's the dogs chew toy."

And so it was. It was a fake can of chili. Why in the hell would someone make a fake can of chili for a dog? The world made more sense when he was dealing with zombies and bioterrorism.

Seriously.

The baby eyed him. Leon eyed her back. She poked her tongue between her teeth and he warned her, "Don't you throw that at me, kid."

She did. She launched the fake chili at him and hit him square in the nose. Ben roared with laughter and Leon leaped up, grabbing the baby from her walker to a squeal of giggles.

"That was fighting chili, small earthling child!"

When Ben attempted to rescue his sister, Leon turned his maniacal tickles onto the boy.

Sherry managed to wander out of wherever teenage girls stayed hidden in that house and consider them. After a few moments, she sat right down on the pile of bodies wrestling and farted.

She blasted ass right on all three of them. There was no escaping the wrath of it either. She lit them up with stench. Apparently, she was no longer a BOW...but she might as well have been because she smelled like something a terrorist would use to level an entire city.

They were a pile of laughter and sloppy baby kisses when Claire called them to dinner.

Sherry listened to her MP3 player and picked her teeth while she texted whatever boy she liked on her phone. It was odd to look at one as old as she rocking, but he kept forgetting the world was younger here. HE was younger. There were no crazy smartphones - just the beginning of what they'd become.

At dinner, Ben regaled them with his useful knowledge for the day. Did they know that there was a three digit number in South Korea, like 911, to report spies?

Following it up, Leon told him, "The medical name for buttcrack? Intergluteal cleft."

Ben giggled and informed him, "Snails have fourteen thousand teeth...and some will kill you!"

Leon eyed his opponent and nodded sagely, "Sonic the Hedgehog's real name? Ogilvie Maurice Hedgehog."

Ben narrowed his eyes, "In France, most toilet paper is pink!"

Leon chuckled but Claire beat him to the next one. She mused, "Daddy long legs have penises...which technically make them not spiders."

Both boys paused with food halfway to their mouth. They stared at her. She arched her brows. Gigi burped. And finally, Claire said, "What?"

Ben shook his head and lamented, "...gross, Mama. Gross."

But it was ok. Because everybody laughed anyway. Strangely enough this included Sherry, even if she pretended she was too cool for it.

That night, he tried again to fill Claire's belly full of a baby. As they lay panting in the aftermath, a voice called through the wall.

"Bullfrogs do not sleep!"

And Leon called back, "The dark side of Pluto's moon, Charon, is called Mordor!"

Claire looked horrorified, "Really?"

"Oh, yeah. It's real, kid. As real as that cum I just shot up in you."

She slapped a hand over his mouth, eyes twinkling. "You are a filthy man."

He grinned behind her hand and Ben shouted, "Tigers have striped skin beneath the fur! It's like fingerprints! No two tigers is the same!"

Impressed, Leon chuckled behind her hand. Claire returned, voice tinged with humor, "The Himalayan Honey Bee makes honey laced with LSD."

Ben was quiet for a long moment before he called back, "What's LSD's? Like Deez Nuts?"

Leon choked on his laughter. Claire's eyes opened so wide they hurt. "Did you teach him that!? Did you teach our son about "deez nuts"?"

"That depends...do you wanna get on deez nuts again?"

He was too busy laughing to fight her off as she attacked him.

The next night found him teaching his son to dual wield a light saber in the garage. The dog barked madly and tried to snatch the sabers out of the sky as they swung.

When Ben declared his fighting was more like "dancing with swords" Leon wasn't entirely sure that was a compliment.

The baby chose that moment to make a huge shit in her pants that scared the dog and made the garage smell like Tall Oaks post outbreak. Without much remorse, Leon left the life of the Jedi behind to bathe the stinky baby.

Claire was fiddling in their room and cursing.

Curious about it, he stuck his head around the door and called, "What's eatin your ass, Redfield?"

Claire poked her head out of their room and gave him a droll look, "I can't fit in my pants. My new ones. The ones I just bought a month ago. I'm so fat I, literally, can't zip my pants up."

He shrugged, "Me either. I find stretchy waistbands work like a charm."

He poked his fat belly out and the baby laughed, slapping it with her wet hands. He winked and kissed her nose that was covered with bubbles. "Who cares, Claire? Stop worrying about it. Go buy new pants."

Claire cursed and muttered in their room until she emerged in yoga pants and a t-shirt.

"Mr. Kennedy - the new world order begins after christmas. I'm done looking like Claire Bear- Pooh Bear's fat sister."

He laughed and kissed her belly. "You look beautiful. But to be sure, I'm gonna need you to show me your tits."

She smacked his head and watched him bathe the baby. A handful of moments passed before he looked up at her, "What?"

"...nothing. You're just so gentle with her. Usually I have to nag you to death to get you to bathe her."

He sighed, hating his other self. "New world order right? I meant it, Claire. That asshole I was? He's gone."

She smiled and turned his face upside down to kiss him, "...good. I missed you."

Jesus. His heart hurt. He missed her too. Every minute of every day that he'd never known he could have this with her. He missed all the things he'd never have. He missed knowing he might wake up and find this gone...just like that.

Terror had new meaning to a man that feared nothing.

But he smiled and winked, "I'm right here, sweetheart. You sure you want to keep me?"

Her face was so serious. She kissed his nose, upside down, and Gigi giggled and threw water around them like confetti. But Claire didn't laugh. She just touched his mouth and murmured, "I can't think of anything I'd want more."

His heart - he wasn't sure it would survive this life that wasn't his.

His first day pretending to be a principle went as well as expected. He managed to get through it, somehow. Sherry was surprisingly helpful.

She helped him not completely make an ass of himself.

When he picked Ben up from school, the boy mused, "Earth is weird huh?"

And Leon just laughed.

Ben, always curious, inquired, "What's it like on your planet?"

Leon replied, studiously, "Well, I'm a secret agent there."

"...really?" The boy sounded completely unconvinced. "You? You're just a dad."

Leon chuckled and mused, "Here I am. Sure. There? I'm fast and the best marksman around. I once killed eighteen bad guys in a row - with perfect head shots."

"...pffft!" Ben giggled, scoffing, "Uncle Chris says you can't even hit duh broad side of a barn!"

Douche.

Leon rolled his eyes, "That's probably just because he wants to go punch it first."

Ben giggled. "He is like Superman, Dad. He's ALL MUSCLESSSS!" Ben roared like a lion and punched the seat.

Great. Redfield was super dad, the Sperminator, and Captain Underwear all rolled into one. Asshole. There was no competing with that, but still pride made Leon muse, "I was better than Uncle Chris in my world."

Ben giggled again, "You still is, Dad...at Tetris."

Well, at least some victories still remained.

"But not at farting, Dad. You need to work on that. Even Aunt Jill farts better than you sometimes."

Ok. OK. CLEARLY it was time to redeem himself. He could NOT be outfarted by a girl. Even if Jill was a dude with tits most days.

"Nothing but beans and soda for this guy then."

Ben giggled. "Me too. Let's STINK MOM OUT!"

The rallying cry of the modern male, it seemed, was working together to crush anyone with a vagina with the stench of flatulence. And so a pact was made to out fart Uncle Chris and Aunt Jill, by using Claire as their scapegoat, by Valentine's Day. He was looking forward to also showing that roided man candy how to shoot by then too.

He could hardly wait to school Redfield once more with a gun.

"Do you get all the girls in your world too?"

Leon glanced at his son in the rearview mirror, "None as pretty as your Mom."

Ben grinned and imitated Claire's voice, waving her hand by her face, "Oh, Leon, you charmer!" It was high pitched and girly and followed by a flutter of his lashes.

Clearly this was his actual sperm at work here. This child was him - from the jokes to the questions to the natural curiosity. Leon blasted a fart into the seat and watched his son dissolve into a storm of laughter.

The laughter came to a screeching halt when he was cruising by the RPD station to find Claire and Wesker standing outside together talking with their heads close.

The bastard touched her arm and she tugged it away, shaking her head.

Leon rolled the car to a stop at the light, considering things. Claire poked the former captain of the S.T.A.R.S. in the chest and spun away, stalking back inside. Wesker looked pissed. It was a good moment.

Wesker; rejected.

His gaze crossed the traffic to laser in on Leon's and Leon tipped his imaginary hat at the other blonde man.

Wesker bowed and signaled humping the air where Claire had been.

Apparently, it was game on.

He just didn't understand that Leon Kennedy didn't lose.

A certain Tuesday was nearly the death of him as he tried to teach Sherry how to drive.

Claire, worried, announced, "Lord...the blind leading the dumb."

And he found out why. Somehow? There was a worse driver in the world than him after all.

Sherry nearly killed them three times before it was. She put them in a ditch and took out the neighbors mailbox and nearly ran over the dog. Leon was so nerve fried by the time they returned home that he had a beer and took a bath to unwind.

Amused, Claire called from the bedroom, "You survive?"

"It was skin of the teeth, woman. Seriously."

"The baby just went down. You too tired to give me a driving lesson too?"

Amused, he exited the bathtub. She was wiggling out of her yoga pants and tossing her shirt. He watched her little butt wiggle and dropped his towel.

She was already giggling as he grabbed her and tossed her on the bed, announcing, "Hold on, sweetheart, it's gonna be a bumpy ride."

Claire rolled him to his back and declared, "You kidding? Let me show you what it's like when Leon Kennedy gets wrecked instead."

Lord. He hurt with love for her.

And she fucked him so hard he was half sure she killed him.

It was the first time he wasn't at all concerned with dying.

It took him about three weeks to really be able to run again. The first week was miserable. He threw up once trying to get his stride.

By the third week, he was in it to win it. The belly was history. He was going to defeat it if it killed him. It wasn't saving the world, but his muscles were weeping with misery by the time he was finished working out.

He kinda wanted it to be over with.

Claire watched him from the window of the house as he fell, fell again, and fell another time trying to back flip. He was bruised and tore up when he came in every evening, but he landed it. Finally, after about three days of trying.

Chris mercilessly jerked his chain and gave him shit at the range, but it didn't matter - he was going to shoot again if that killed him too.

He got to the point that changing a diaper was like a competition. He could change the baby, mop the floor, answer the phone, cook dinner, help with homework, grade papers, handle budget reports and balance their checkbook all at the same time.

Multitasking became his new purpose in life. Where "other" Leon had failed, he excelled.

He kept Claire bowlegged with fucking her.

Any time she turned around, there he was filling her up.

She didn't have time to cheat with that slime-ball Wesker even if he tried his hardest.

And he tried. He called. He sent flowers to her desk at work. He tracked her around to attempt to woo her. He was determined. Apparently, rejection didn't suit him at all.

It might have gone away with time, but he made the mistake of leaning against her one day in the parking lot by her car. Which wasn't such a big deal, on most days, but on this day her husband showed up to take her to lunch.

And her husband? He wasn't a guy who just sat around while another man scammed on his woman. He just wasn't.

Not anymore.

Claire's voice carried in the cold air. "Albert...please. You have to stop. I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea here. But there's nothing between us."

"Claire," UGH - that weaslely whining tone of his grated on the nerves as Leon crossed the concrete toward them, "He can't be making you feel like I did. We both know that. Leon Kennedy? That idiot is so over rated. Even his haircut is tired."

REALLY. That was just so untrue it was painful. His haircut was ICONIC. Damn that viking faced fuck.

"Well, maybe if I wear sunglasses at night, I can elevate from tired to trite"

Wesker leaned away from Claire, brows arched, "You're already both, Kennedy. As well as lazy and fat. If you want to complete the list of all your loser qualities, you can also add boring and plebeian."

Leon laughed, eyes flashing, "As opposed to cliche and melodramatic? Which bad B-Movie are you from, Albie? Universal Soldier? Or He-Man?"

"Ah, Dolph Lundgren references. How original." Sneered the former freak show turned normal dude that doubled as an office pervert.

"Yeah...see the thing is though? He's not nearly as bad of an actor as you are. At least he gets paid to be stupid."

"Really? Because you do that so well for free."

It was really too late for it. Leon swung first and Wesker ducked. Claire shouted. And he remembered he wasn't a hero anymore. He wasn't Agent Kennedy.

He was just Leon.

His fist hit the car and the metal rang with the attack. It hurt so bad his eyes teared up. Wesker laughed and kicked him in the hip. He went spinning, hit a patch of ice, and ended up on his ass.

Just like that - all his bravado bit him in the balls like a snake.

How many times was it going to take to remind him he was "him" and this wasn't his life?"

He wasn't some guy in a video game. He was just a paunchy principle. His days of kicking Albert Wesker's ass were over.

Since the dawn of time, sentiments like this have been the reason that the underdog begins to rise. When faced with truly insurmontable odds and almost complete abject failure, the bottom of the barrel somehow find their way back from the edge of utter ruin. It was on such an auspicious occasion, that Leon Kennedy would do the same.

As Wesker laughed, and Claire ran to help him up, Leon somehow found his fight under the layer of complete and total saturating shame.

He might not have the moves anymore, but no one, anywhere, would say he'd lost the fight.

He turned, ballled up his hands, and from his ass on the pavement - he delivered a blow for all mankind against the sociopath megalomaniac that had once attempted to dominate all man kind...and gave that tyrant a truly admirable double-fisted blow to the babymakers that would guarantee Albert Wesker NEVER had another chance to populate the world with his inferior sperm.

Leon brought his fists of fury right up between those skinny chicken legs and nut punched the former Captain of the S.T.A.R.S. so hard that he was more likely to see them than lead them to peril.

Wesker somehow turned whiter than he already was, gripped his boys like they were his lifeline, and fell backward on his butt in a mound of snow.

Claire shouted, "Leon!" In horror and wavering amusement.

Someone was running across the lot toward them.

It was chaos.

It was madness.

It was pretty fucking great.

And so it was that it was Leon - One and Albert Wesker - Double Zero.

Besides any former hero will tell you one simple truth: Sometimes? You had to win the battle by fighting like a bitch.

From the steps of the R.P.D., someone started laughing.

Maybe it wasn't his perfect world...but with everyone laughing at Albert Wesker while he rolled on the ground clutching his busted ballsack? It was pretty damn close.