"in the chaotic rubble,
she still remembered
who she was."
- r.m. drake
"Can you pick up this stuff when you go to the grocery store?" Liv handed Happy a list. She really wanted garlic stir fry ever since had found a well-loved recipe for it in the one of the cabinets. It was really all she could think about, that and ice cream.
Happy's eyes glanced over the list, he smiled. She was going to make his mom's Chicken Garlic stir fry, he would have recognized the ingredients anywhere. "I thought you were going to come with me." He looked up at Liv, who was surrounded by boxes of baby stuff. His ma had saved everything from when he was little. Happy had hoped it might trigger something in Liv; but it still hadn't.
"Nah, I just want to finish going through these boxes so it's not so cluttered. The amount of stuff sitting out is kind of driving me nuts." Liv barely looked up at him as she reached into the box to her right.
The truth was all the shit was driving Happy nuts as well. His OCD was out of control and he was close to losing his shit on Liv a few times, when she just left stuff out. He was having a hard time reigning in his anger at times; then he remembered that Liv wasn't Liv and she didn't know his weird quirks. He needed an outlet for his pent-up frustration. Normally, he would fuck to let go of his aggravation but now, well he couldn't. He promised Liv and he would not do anything especially with her condition. She would never forgive him or let him see the baby if he fucked her over again.
"Alright, I will be back in a little bit. I am looking forward to garlic chicken stir fry now. It was my favorite meal my ma used to make." He said as he made his way to the door.
"Oh, I know." Liv said as she sorted through baby clothes. Most of them were more masculine and dated than she wanted. What if the baby was a girl? Liv pulled out pieces that she though were cute or would be good for either sex. She would have Happy pull out some of his favorites after he got back from the store.
How had she known it was his favorite meal? Hap wondered. He might have mentioned it to Liv at one point or another and how he wanted her to make it one day. Happy was shit at cooking and before Liv came around he enjoyed Chinese take-out when Gemma or some croweater wasn't cooking for him. The meal would be a treat for him, he couldn't wait.
Whatever progress Liv had been making, made a sudden stop. They had been in Bakersfield for nearly two weeks and there were no longer any small breakthroughs. Happy had found he had gone into caretaker mode, he wanted to make sure that Liv was taking care of herself and the baby. It was almost cathartic for him; he had a purpose. It only made sense that he was taking care of Liv in the same house he took care of his mom. It reminded him of the days when she was ill, and he took care of her as well.
"Did you take your prenatal vitamins this morning?" Happy asked Liv was thumbing through a magazine.
"Mmm Hmm." She muttered without looking up at him. Olivia was so sick of being in Bakersfield with only Happy to talk to. Liv hated the way he looked at her like he was expecting her to break. She wasn't going to fucking break. She wasn't made of glass. It seemed like the same thing day after, day. Did you take your vitamins? What do you want to eat? Did you eat all your food? Are you feeling okay? How are your nightmares? Happy, no longer seemed like he had an interest in getting to know the girl, Liv now was. What if she never remembered? Would he always treat her the way he was at that point or was that the way Happy had always treated her? If that was the way he treated her she didn't think that she would be able to continue her relationship with him.
"Okay, good." He sat down on the chair next to the couch Olivia was snuggled up on and watched her. Happy had hoped that bringing Liv to Bakersfield would have brought them closer together but it only felt like they were becoming strangers. Liv had distanced herself from him. He had heard her cry out in the night for the past few evenings, but she hadn't come into the room with him in a week. She no longer took comfort in him, it killed him knowing she was taking it on all by herself.
"What do you want for dinner tonight?" He asked just trying to fill the silence because there was nothing more deafening to him at that moment. That was a lot coming from a man who longed for silence and solitude.
Liv whipped down her magazine with force before glaring over at Happy. "I told this morning I didn't care. I mean there are leftovers, they are fine." Olivia felt like a twig that was bent to the brink of snapping. She took a deep breath and the pulled her magazine back up, so she didn't have to see Happy staring at her. All she wanted at that moment was her space. "You know you don't need to stare at me like something is going to happen to me if you walk away." Her voice was sharp.
Happy was taken aback by Liv's reaction to his question. All he was trying to do was take care of her and she was being an unappreciative bitch. The tension in the room was thick enough to cut.
"What the fuck is your problem?" Happy bit back.
That was it, that was the point where that little twig was pushed too far. Liv snapped. She stood up quickly, a little too quickly, by the twinge in her side, but she ignored it. "I'll tell you what my fucking problem is…it's you!" She glared at Happy. The sight of him just made her angry.
Liv just said that to him. She had never been like that before and it stunned Happy. "You have to be kidding me? All I have fucking done is taken care of you. You are such an ungrateful bitch!" Happy snarled.
Olivia snorted, "Taken care of me? Happy your smothering me!" She shouted back at him. She was about to storm out of the room in all of her angry glory, but Happy hand caught her arm gently. "What!?" She whipped around.
As soon as his words came out of his mouth he felt guilty. Damn Liv for making him love her like he did. His words were soft as they came out of his mouth, "I'm sorry that you feel like I am smothering you, Liv. I just want you and the baby to have the best care."
"Well, being my shadow is not helping me any." Liv admitted. She also needed Happy to treat her like he would have treated her when she was the girl he loved, the one he respected. "I know you aren't treating me like you would, if I didn't have amnesia."
She was right, Happy thought. He was so used to the motion with his ma that he was treating Liv the way he had with her. He sighed deeply before finally releasing Liv's arm and sitting down on the couch. He patted the cushion next to him, where she sat in a slight huff and looked away down at the floor. "Liv look at me." Happy touched her gently as her icy blue eyes turned towards him. "I am sorry that I have been treating you the way I have. I think that I have been treating you the same way I took care of my ma. Towards the end, she never took her medications or ate. Being here at her house made me just go into autopilot, more or less."
Could she really be mad at him for taking care of her, the only way he knew how? Sure, she could, he was engulfing her with his being and not letting her be herself. Liv could tell he was remorseful when she considered his brown eyes. She took a deep breath before starting. "Happy, I am not your mom. I am supposed to be your partner, your equal. Would you have treated me like this if I didn't have amnesia?" Liv asked
Happy studied Liv for a moment and considered her question. The answer to the question was easy. "No. You would have nagged me about it a long time ago. Listen Liv, I know you have been through a lot of shit, but I want to take care of you. It is my job to make sure that you are taken care of and I couldn't fucking do it when you were shot. So please just bear with me while I try to figure out where we stand. I will try to back off but in all honestly, I don't know if I can. I just need a something to focus on other than killing the person or people who did this to you and our child."
As Happy finished, Liv felt guilty as soon as Happy stopped talking. "Only if you do one thing." She could compromise.
"What is that?" Happy asked.
"The way you look at me like you are expecting a remember my past. Hap, I don't know if I will ever remember and I know that is scary to you. Hell, it's just as hard on me, the not knowing. Believe me I am trying to remember, and it is just blank. I'm sorry but you might just be stuck with me as I am." Liv was soft and almost tentative at the end. She couldn't help but wonder if Happy would what the girl she was. She would have nowhere to go other than Charlotteville and she didn't really want to do that.
Happy sighed deeply, how could she think he would never accept her? After everything they had been through. But then again, she didn't know that. "Olivia, the one thing you need to know is I will always want you. And I will do my best to not look at you like I am hoping for things." He hadn't even realized he was doing it, that was going to be a hard task.
Two days had passed since their fight and talk. Things seemed to be going well between Hap and Liv. They fell into a routine with each other and Happy tried his damnedest to let Liv take care of herself and not to hover. She totally appreciated it and she tried to not be a raging ball of hormones. Things were working out. They were spending one of their last nights in Bakersfield. They had to get back for an OB appointment for Liv, her doc wanted to make sure everything was continuing to go well with the baby after everything that had happened. Liv was filled with a nervous excitement, she was going to get to see the baby for the first time. Or she prayed she would be able to.
"Look what I found." Happy smiled as he sat a largish box next to Liv. Her interest peaked as she glanced over at the box. It was a great interruption to her worry.
"What is it?" Liv asked, assuming it must have been some more baby stuff as she opened the box along with Happy. "A record player?" Her nose wrinkled in confusion when she looked up at Happy. She hadn't seen one of those since she was a kid, her parents had one.
He smiled as he pulled the player out of the box along with some records. "Yeah. It was my ma's. She used to play it all the time, when I was growing up." He started setting up the player, hoping it would work. It looked like the needle was brand new. Leave it to his ma to put a new needle on her player before she packed it up. He smiled at the thought.
Happy was brought back to the hot California summers of his childhood; when his mom and aunts would sit on the porch with sweet tea and listen to the record player. He longed to bring those moments back, so he could sit with them instead of thinking he was far too cool to hang with a bunch of women. Those women were his family until he found his club and finally Liv. Happy put a record on, Nat King Cole; his ma's favorite.
Liv curled back up on the couch with her cup of tea and listened to the crackling of the record as it started to play. She closed her eyes briefly as she took in the music. It was one she recognized, she smiled at the memory of her parents that were brought with it. They would play it on their anniversary.
Nat King Cole's smooth voice filled the room, "Unforgettable, that's what you are…"
Happy held his hand out to Liv. "Dance with me, Olivia." His raspy voice was quiet and almost shy.
What was this? Happy, shy? Liv had a suspicious look on her face. "You don't dance, Hap." She told him, as she placed her cup on the side table and took Happy's hand. She gasped as he gently pulled her up and close to him. Sure, they had been close before, but this was different. Olivia placed her arms around Happy's neck. His scent was familiar, but she couldn't place what it was. Whatever it was, it made her feel safe and she was home.
"Now, how do you know I don't dance?" Happy lead them in a slow dance in the living room. He wondered if Liv was making progress, she knew he didn't dance or just that she hadn't dance with him. Either way it seemed like progress to him. He had been seeing small break throughs and it gave him hope.
Liv sighed softly against Happy. "I just know." She whispered but wondered how she knew. Was she beginning to remember? Liv tried to reach into her mind, but it was still blank. She was beginning to get frustrated with her amnesia. Too much was riding on her remembering. Happy must have sensed her anxiety and he pulled her flush against his body. Liv's heart beat wildly in her chest and her body hummed for Happy.
Hap could feel the change in Liv's body when he pulled her closer to him. Her heart sped up almost instantaneously, but that wasn't it. The way she began to move her body against his, it was as if she was calling to him. Fuck, wanted her; he ached for her, in a way he had never felt before. He gazed down at Liv, who had placed her head on his chest as they swayed back and forth. He couldn't help but wonder if she had picked up on his nervous heartbeat.
Liv felt Happy's eyes on her and she looked up at him through her eye lashes. In that moment she wanted nothing more than for him to kiss her. Her body wanted to know his touch again or for the first time, again. Olivia longed to remember what it was like to be with this overbearing man, who was sacrificing so much to take care of her. If that wasn't love, then she didn't know what was. Liv reached up and caressed Happy's face. He was stubbly, like he hadn't shaved in a few days. She waited for his reaction. Had she overstepped some an unwritten boundary?
Happy closed his eyes at Liv touch. It had been so long since she had shown him any affection. It was exactly what he needed, to feel her touch in an affectionate way. He turned his faced and kissed her palm. He opened his eyes and looked down at Liv, who was staring back at him wide eyed. She sucked her lower lip into her mouth. God, he wanted to kiss her. Live in the moment. He told himself when he tilted Olivia's chin up towards him and placed his lips on hers. It felt like it had been years since he had felt her lips on his instead of three weeks. The kiss felt like it had only lasted a moment before Liv gently pulled away.
Olivia could feel his want against her thigh, it made her ache for Happy. She was so turned on by this one kiss. Liv was nearly panting with need. Sure, her mind couldn't remember Happy, but her body certainly did, and it wanted him. Why should she deny that part of her as well?
"Make me remember, Happy." She pleaded, her voice full of lust.
He didn't have to be asked twice, he wanted Olivia more than she could even know. Liv took his hand and lead him into the bedroom they had been sporadically sharing when she had nightmares. Happy was surprised when Liv made the first move and ran her hands under his shirt as she kissed him again. This was his girl, his Liv. She pulled his shirt over his head and greedily ran her hands across his chest. She placed her lips on his chest the same way she had the first time they had slept together. Happy groaned.
Liv smiled up at Happy when she heard his reaction. She moved her hands to his belt buckle but Happy's hands stopped her. Was he not wanting to go through with this? She gazed up at him expecting him to tell her to stop but instead his mouth crashed into hers. His hands explored Liv's body, she knew it had been too long.
Much to Happy's surprise Liv pulled her shirt over her head allowing him to see her nearly bare body. His eyes went to the bullet wound that was still healing. It made him so angry to see her body yet again marred by another scar. He allowed his hands to graze the top of Liv's breasts and down her body. He hadn't noticed until then, she had a small baby bump starting. That was not the time to gently caress Liv's belly where their baby was. He was certainly feeling far more carnal, he hadn't been able to see this beautiful body in ages. Happy moved his face to Liv chest while his hand moved around her back to unlatch her bra.
Liv let a quiet moan escape her lips. She had never felt that way when she was with Matt. Like one small touch could light her on fire. They had made their way over to the bed after relieving themselves of the rest of their clothing. Normally, Liv would have been self-conscious being nude in front of someone else, but she felt nothing but confidence with Happy.
At that moment Olivia wanted to feel Happy inside of her more than anything else. She was filled with such want. It was as if he knew what she wanted. He settled himself between her leg as he kissed and sucked his way down her neck to her chest. She wondered if he was going to use a condom but then realized that she was already pregnant so that was really, moot point. She felt like they had a similar conversation like that before.
Happy could see Liv slipping into her head. She got the same look every time. Like hell, she was going to do that. He was going to relish making love to her again but instead he thrusted himself inside of her. The gasp he got out of Liv was about as good as she felt, warm and wet. He was not going to last long, at all.
"Happy!" Liv gasped as he slowly drove himself in and out of her. She had been afraid he was going to hurt her, but she was far from hurting. Olivia allowed herself to feel everything instead of internalizing. She didn't feel like she had to hold back with Happy either as she raked her nails down his back. It wasn't long before she felt herself slipping away into a mind-blowing orgasm.
It wasn't until Happy recognized the signs of Liv's climax, did he allow himself to release. He thrust himself roughly, into her a few more times before he too was lost in an orgasm. Happy kissed Liv before pulling out of her. As he laid down next to Liv and she snuggled up to him, he realized how much he needed to lose himself in her. He felt more like himself than he had in weeks; he also realized how stressed he was because now that was all gone. He didn't want to ruin the moment, so he said nothing and simply held his girl in his arms. Happy prayed that they were moving forward once again.
It was just right, everything about being with Happy felt spot-on. Liv thought to herself as she traced the snake tattoo on his abdomen. It was as if she was wrapped in a cocoon of love. Was it too early to love this man? She wondered but then realized that she had loved him before. Either way, she wasn't quite ready to say it yet. It was not too long before she fell into a deep sleep laced with dreams of Happy.
Happy placed the white roses that Liv had picked out next to his mom's head stone. He stepped back and stared down at the grave. He wished his mom was around, nothing would have made her happier than to see him settled and giving her a grandchild. She would have loved Olivia. He spoke about Liv to the space where his mother had been laid to rest. Logically, Happy knew his mother wasn't there but it didn't stop him from talking because she was there in spirit.
He appreciated the fact that Olivia had given him space to talk to his ma. Each day, Liv seemed like she was a bit more like her old self, yet she still couldn't remember anything prior to the day she met the rat. He should have been grateful for that day, but he hated that Liv had to go through so much to become his.
Happy bowed his head in respect for his mom before he started back to find Liv. They had to hit the road to get back to Charming before it got too late. He had spoken to Lyla and she was going to let them stay her place. The kids were with her parents for the week and she wasn't home much with all the filming she had been doing.
Liv sat in the little chapel and stared at the crucifix with Jesus in the front of the building. She couldn't remember the last time she had been in a church or any religious establishment for that matter. Her parents weren't particularly religious people and her biological mom was as far from religious as you could get. She let her eyes wander across the small room. The windows were beautiful stained glass with scenes depicting different stories in the Bible. The light illuminated them beautifully, even if she hadn't been religious she appreciated the calming nature of the scenes. She glanced down at her hands which were bathed in a dark red light from the stained glass. It looked like her hands were covered in blood…Blood…there was so much blood.
Happy made his way into the chapel; his brow puckered when he didn't see Liv in any of the pews. He started to walk towards the door; she must have gone back to the car to wait for him. The little chapel was making him feel claustrophobic, so he didn't blame her. As he reached the door he heard a sob. He would have known that sob any wear, it was Liv and she was in one of the bathrooms.
"Liv?" He knocked gently on the door before walking into the bathroom. He found Liv scrubbing her hands in water that looked like it was scalding.
"The blood…I can't get it off. I can't get the blood off my hands." She sobbed as she scrubbed the non-existent blood off her hands.
Even though, he was close to breaking apart himself, Happy took Liv's hands into his and looked at them. "Can I help you?" He asked as his voice quivered. His strong, brave Liv was breaking apart in front of him and there was nothing he could do about it. He turned off the water and gently dried her hands with a paper towel; kissed her palms when he finished. "There all better."
"Is she dead?" Liv's voice was barely a whisper. "Is Wendy dead?" Tears poured from her eyes.
That is when it hit Happy. She remembered, something had triggered Liv to remember and that is why she was so upset. There was no use in lying to her. "Yes."
Liv threw her body into Happy's and sobbed, deep body racking sobs. "It's all my fault. All my fault. I shouldn't have asked her over." Liv's mind went to Abel who had lost so much already and now he had lost his other mommy. "Oh my god! Abel!" She sobbed out. How was he going to be able to get past this loss? Liv's heart hurt so much, there was so much loss.
"Shh," Happy ran his hand down Liv's head as she sobbed into his chest. "Abel is a strong boy. He will make it through this just like you made it through the loss of both of your mom's. He will have his Auntie Liv to help him." Happy tried to console Liv, whose body was still shaking hard.
"Happy this is all my fault. I know it. I just know it." She pulled back from him and fiercely shook his head. "How are Abel and Jax going to forgive me?" Liv wouldn't blame them if they didn't forgive her. She felt ill just thinking about it. Her mid raced with everything that had happened. She couldn't really remember anything from after the point of Wendy coming over.
He wanted to take away her despair but knew this was something she was going to have to work through. Happy knew he just had to get her out of the building.
"Why don't we leave here and then you can tell me what you remember." He pulled her close to him as they made their way out the chapel. They would have plenty of time go over things on the ride back to Charming.
A/N: So Liv is remembering. I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. As a side note: I can't even express how much I appreciate each and every one of you. Those of you who have read The Devil Took Her Breath Away and have or haven't left reviews. My story wouldn't be where it is without any of you! You're all so fabulous! I am so humbled by you guys! Thank you for hangin' in there when I have been on hiatus and the gaps between chapters. I appreciate it more than you could even know!