You can't patch a wounded soul with a band-aid.
~Michael Connelly
Happy lay in bed wide awake watching Liv sleep peacefully; he allowed Liv's conversation with Lyla run rabid through his mind. How could she want to not remember? His heart hurt when he heard those words leave her sweet mouth. He couldn't fathom why, Liv didn't want to remember what they had built together. Happy understood why she didn't want to remember Juice and everything that followed him, but it was painful for him to try and understand why she didn't want to remember him and their life. He allowed Liv's words to fester in him. What he didn't allow his mind to remember were the words that she whispered to him as they fell asleep together. The fact that she loved him beyond words and that she would have moved the earth to return to him. Instead, Happy chose to wallow in his own misery and pain.
He couldn't handle what was going on in his head anymore, he tried to pry himself from Liv's grip, but as soon as he moved she began to whimper. He recognized the sad sound escaping from Liv's lips; she was on the verge of a nightmare. Hap sighed deeply and pulled Liv closer to him and smoothed her unruly hair down. Her body quickly relaxed against him.
"I love you, Happy." She mumbled softly. "Please don't leave me." How the hell could she have known he was going to get up?
Happy looked down at Liv, who had a soft smile on her face. He was surprised to see she was still sound asleep. She must have been dreaming about him. The betrayal, he had felt just moments before melted into the back of his mind. Her words were genuine and spoke directly to Happy's heart. For the first time since had left Bakersfield, Happy felt relaxed. Liv was safe and finding her way back to him, albeit she seemed slightly reluctant about it, but she was his, all his.
Liv sat at the kitchen table and drank her coffee. She welcomed the warmth it brought her; she felt nothing but cold since she wiggled her way out from under Happy's embrace. He was a like a heater and Liv work up feeling like she was on fire; she enjoyed it. She watched Happy sleep for a while before her anxiety about meeting with Jax got the best of her. She couldn't bear the fact that he could hate her for what happened. Even worse, it would kill her if Abel and Thomas hated her.
"Morning." Happy kissed the top of Liv's head as he made his way to the coffee pot.
Olivia watched Happy pour his coffee. He was wearing a pair of sweat pants that clung to his hips and no shirt. He turned and smiled at her. He had several days' worth of stubble. When he sat down Liv ran her hand across his scratchy face when he sat down next to her at the table.
"Fixing on growing a beard?" She smirked, not being able to imagine Happy with one. He had the start of a goatee from time to time but this was different.
Happy snorted at her as he rubbed his face. "It's been a rough few days."
Liv frowned, she didn't know how to take his reply. She tried to not take it personally, but she couldn't help but feel responsible for the roughness of previous 24 hours. Olivia needed to feel closeness to Happy. She rose from her chair and straddled him on his chair. She placed her lips his and kissed him; at first, she could feel Happy hesitate, but then he grabbed the back of her head and kissed Liv roughly. She pulled away from him and placed her forehead on his and stared into his eyes.
"How much of my conversation with Lyla did you hear yesterday?" Liv asked. He was off and that was the only thing that she knew of happening.
"Enough." Happy's tone was annoyed; he tried to push Liv off his lap.
Liv held fast and grabbed onto the back of the chair, she was staying right where she was. There was no way he was going to try to storm out of the room. His brown eyes bore into hers. "You heard the part where I said I didn't want to remember anything… including you, didn't you?" That was one of the most hurtful thing she could have said to Happy.
She knew her answer by the look on Happy's face. It was one of pure pain and hurt. Liv felt shame wash over her; she never meant for Happy to hear that. She just needed to get her feeling out and shit, did it ever feel good. It helped her to just vocalize everything she was feeling to Lyla.
Happy still hadn't answered her. His silence was painful. Tears welled up in Liv's eyes blurring her vision. She started to get up off his lap but Happy pulled her back down and held her face between his hands and stared at her. "Did you mean it? Do you want to forget about me? About us?"
Olivia shook her head. "No. This, what we have, is the only thing in my life right now that makes sense. Even when I couldn't remember you, I felt so comfortable with you. I felt safe. And when you told me I was your family, I just knew. Yesterday, I just needed to get all my emotions out. I would have told you, but I realized that I knew I would blurt that out and it would hurt you. I never meant for you to hear it Hap. But at that moment when years of horrible shit came rushing back to me, it was the one of the many things that I felt." Liv sighed it felt good get the truth out. "Happy, I love you so very much and I can not wait to be your wife and meet our child." Liv pulled Happy's hand down to her stomach and held it there with hers on top of his. This was what she wanted. She wanted Happy and their baby. Every horrible thing that had happened to her was worth that very moment with Happy.
It was the first time he had touched her belly since the day Liv had him she was pregnant. "I love you too. Fuck. It hurt hearing that you wanted to forget me. I know that I fucked things up in your life, but you have made my life so much better." He kissed Liv gently this time.
"I never want to forget you Happy Lowman. Never." Liv whispered against his lips.
Liv heart pounded hard against her chest as she got off the back of Happy's Harley. She was having second thoughts about meeting with Jax even though Happy had reassured her that things were going to be good between them.
"I don't know if I can do this Happy." Liv stopped and grabbed Happy's hand.
"Olivia Grace, you will be okay. Don't you remember how strong you are? Do you remember when you stood up to Jax, when we saved you from the warehouse? That was brave, you didn't even finch when he came at you with all his wrath. Jax is hurting, but he isn't mad or upset with you, Liv. You are probably the only person he will talk to about how he is really doing." Happy continued to grip her hand as he lead them into to Red Woody.
It felt odd to Liv to step foot in Red Woody again. It was a strange feeling, because she had always felt so at home there. She chalked it up to the fact that she was meeting with Jax. Liv felt like things should have changed drastically in the building, like she had been gone for years; they hadn't, everything was still the same.
"I'm going to get some coffee; do you want anything?" Happy asked as he Jax approached them.
Liv swallowed hard and shook her head at Happy. She braced herself for whatever Jax was going to throw at her. What she didn't expect was for him to pull her into his arms. She couldn't remember the last time he had embraced her.
"Glad to have you back, darlin'." Jax smiled sadly. "I heard you wanted to chat."
Every bit of tension that Liv had building in her body flooded out of her in tears. "I'm sorry Jax." She sobbed into his chest. "I'm sorry I am here, and Wendy isn't."
Jax held Liv closer to him as she cried. "Come with me." He held Liv back at arm's length and then escorted her into SAMCRO's very own inner sanctum.
Jax sat at the head of the table and offered Liv the spot where Happy normally sat, right hand of the president. She took the seat and wiped away some of her tears. She could already this was going to be emotional. Thankfully, she had tucked away some tissues in her pocket before leaving Lyla's.
Liv went to speak but Jax held up his hand and stopped her. "Before you start, I need you to know that I don't blame you for any of what happened. Wendy wouldn't want you beating yourself up of it either." Jax took Liv's hands into his.
Hearing those words from Jackson's mouth was a huge relief for Liv. She hate herself enough for all of them. "I should have never invited her over for coffee." Liv said more to herself than to Jax. She allowed her eyes to flutter up and meet his gaze. "How are the boys?" The one questions she had been dreading asking.
Jackson sighed deeply, his boys had lost so much in their short lives. "They are sad. When I told Abel that you had been hurt as well, he asked if you went to heaven with his mommies. I told him that you were still alive, but you couldn't remember anything about living in Charming. He got right on drawing you picture of things you did together." He handed Liv a manila envelope that was stuffed full of pictures. "He asked me to give these to you, so you would remember him."
That one gesture made Olivia's heart swell with joy and a peace she hadn't felt in a long time. She sniffled before saying anything. "If you need any help with the boys I am here for you Jackson. I need to step down from my position at the Women's Center for a while. I can't help them until I straighten my shit out." Olivia ran her hand through her hair before addressing the one issue neither of them had mentioned. "Jax, I can't remember who did it. I know you and Happy want your revenge but no matter how hard I have tried over the last 24 hours, I can't remember. It's just blank. I remember panic and seeing Wendy but nothing else."
"Do you think going back to your house will help?" Jax asked rising from his chair.
Liv chewed on her lower lip, she didn't know if she was ready to go back yet. However, if it helped bring back any memories then she would do it for Wendy. "I guess so." She reluctantly replied as she followed Jax out in to Red Woody.
"Happy come on." Jax gestured towards the door. "We're heading to your house." Jax filled him in on what was going on when they got out the motorcycles.
From the look that Liv saw on Happy's face, he didn't seem all that pleased with the idea. "Are you okay with this?" He pulled Liv close to him.
Determination was set in her face, "If it means that I can remember who attacked us, absolutely." But, then she hesitated. "Is the house okay? I mean is it still…" Liv couldn't finish her sentence as dread set it.
"Don't worry, I cleaned it." Happy reassured Liv. "It's like nothing ever happened."
It was the first time ever that Liv was glad that Hap was fastidious as he was. There would be absolutely no remnants of the attack. Normally, the clean freak in Hap wore Liv down; she was neat and cleaned up after herself, but Happy was dipping his foot into the realm of OCD.
The whole ride to their house Liv's gripped Happy tightly; anxieties began ruling her mind. So much was riding on her remembering who had killed Wendy and shot her. Liv couldn't bear the thought of letting Jax and Happy down. By the time they pulled up into the drive way Liv was ready to tell Happy to turn around and go back to Red Woody.
"You ready?" Happy turned to Olivia as he dismounted his bike.
"No." Liv sucked in a quick breath. "But, I have to do this." She got off Happy's motorcycle and removed her helmet. She quickly snatched up his hand, she couldn't do this alone. Sure, she was there with Jax and Happy, but what she needed was Happy's physical contact. Liv instantly felt comfort and safety.
As they made their way up to the door, Olivia remembered how blissed out she felt the last time she entered their house. Now, she felt like the house held no warmth or peace. Happy released Liv's hand, so he could unlock the door; she felt instant unease. He took her hand into his again as he lead the way into the house with Jax taking up the rear.
Olivia was at once hit with dread when she looked at the kitchen. "It happened in the kitchen." She had a flash of fear for the baby and a flash of a gun. She slowly made her way into the kitchen and dining area and looked around. Tears welled up in her eyes. "Wendy." She was barely able to get out as a round of sobs racked her body and her body crumpled to the ground.
Happy sunk down the floor with Liv and held her close to his body as he glared up at Jax, who watched on. "This is too fucking much for her Jackson." Happy growled. He just wanted to protect his old lady and their baby.
Liv tried to calm herself as soon as she sensed Happy's tenseness. "I…I…" She hiccupped. "I can do this." She looked at Happy, whose face was full of concern. Liv tried to put on a brave face; she knew Happy could see through her façade.
Liv looked up at Jax, who gave her an encouraging nod. Seeing him standing above her like that jogged something in her head. "It was a man." She stood quickly.
"What?" Happy rose next to her. "Do you know he was? Do you remember what he looked like?"
"No." Liv shook her head. "No, I just see a man. He was waving his gun around wildly. He shot Wendy, when I was going for a knife. I never got the knife." She wiped tears from her face again. She hated her tears for betraying her yet again.
"Good job, sweet heart." Jax smiled. "That's a start." He was encouraged from what Liv could see.
Olivia could not spend another moment in the house. She made her way out the place she had called home. It no longer felt like home, Liv knew she could no longer live there. There was no way she would ever set foot in that house again. All the good memories and bad ones, she had made with Happy there, were erased by that one horrific moment. The one where she almost lost everything.
Happy placed his hand on the small of Liv's back. His touch made her feel instant relief. She turned to him and placed her lips on his. She didn't care if Jackson was around, she needed to feel close to him.
"What is that all about?" Hap asked as they parted.
Liv shrugged. "It was just something I wanted to do."
Happy smirked, "You can do that and more anytime you want."
And more. Of course, he would say that. It felt like it had been years since they had sex. Liv felt a bit of guilt because she was not near the right mind set to want to get freaky with Happy. What if he strayed? Would he stray, if she didn't give him what he needed physically?
"Hey, why are you frowning?" Happy pulled Liv face up, so she was looking straight at him.
She blurted out the first thing that came to her mind that wasn't what she was worried about. "I can't live here." Well at least that truth was out.
Happy nodded, "I thought that would be the case. I started looking for another house when we were in Bakersfield. There are few we can go and look at when you want to."
Liv's heart felt like it was going to explode with love. Happy had just proved himself again. "Alright. Fuck, I love you so much Happy Lowman!" She smiled at him.
When they pulled into Red Woody's lot, Liv felt so much lighter. She was grateful things were falling into place again. Jax didn't hate her. He had asked her if she wanted to spend some time with the boys after everything blew over. She didn't even hesitate to say, yes!
Liv's cell vibrated in her hooded sweatshirt pocket. She pulled it out, it was her OB. "Hello?"
"Yes, could I speak to Olivia Trager, please?" The woman on the other side of the phone asked.
"That is me." Had she missed her doctor's appointment? She thought it was later in the week. No way in hell Happy would have missed that date; he was like a freak when it came to dates and times. Especially since she had been in the hospital and almost died.
"I am calling from Charming OB and I just wanted to call and remind you about your appointment you have scheduled with Dr. Wright tomorrow at 12:30 pm. We do ask that you drink plenty of water and refrain from urinating prior to your appointment, since you are also scheduled for an ultrasound."
"Alright, thank you. Is eating okay?" Liv asked not knowing if she needed to fast before the appointment as well.
"Nope, eating is absolutely fine. We don't want to risk low blood sugar at this point in your pregnancy." The woman said.
"Cool, thank you and I guess I will see you guys tomorrow then." Liv hung up her phone.
Happy gave her a puzzled look. "It was my OB. My appointment is tomorrow."
"Shit, I almost forgot about that, with all the stuff going down." Happy admitted.
Thank god for reminder calls. Liv thought to herself before making her way into Red Woody. She felt a lot better about being there then she had earlier in the day. She had missed her dad and hoped that he was there. She also wanted to check in on Reed and make sure she was okay. Reed, something struck a cord with her. The girl didn't do anything wrong so why did she instantly feel antsy when she thought about her?
"Olivia Grace!" Tig's voice called from the depths of Red Woody's main room. She searched the faces and finally saw her dad's smiling broadly at her.
"Dad!" She met him halfway between where they were standing. He pulled her close to him and embraced her tightly.
Tig kissed the top of Liv's head. "Fuck baby, you gave me quite the scare."
"I know Daddy. I am so sorry. I am also sorry that you had to find out about the baby, the way you did. I was planning on doing some fun reveal for you but that didn't work out." Liv stood back from her dad.
"Knowing that you are both okay, is all I want. Hap said you remember pretty much everything." Tig looked down at her daughter.
Liv nodded, "yeah. I just don't remember much about the day and the days following everything." She really didn't want to rehash everything that she had gone through the last few days. "I don't really want to talk about it right now though."
"No problem, baby. Why don't you tell me all about my first grandchild that you're cooking?" Tig pulled Liv over to one of the tables.
"Cooking?" Olivia giggled. "I prefer the term baking." She joked. Shit, it felt good to joke. It felt good to laugh.
Liv was talking with her dad when she heard her name being called from entry way. Liv turned to see a fury of red hair rushing towards her. Panic struck her to her very core, she stood quickly and took a step back and backed right into someone. She whipped around quickly and defensively, only to see it was Happy. His smile was quickly replaced by a worried-questioning look.
"I did bring this to our doorstep." Liv whispered. "Everything that happened is because of me."
"What do you mean Olivia?" Happy asked as he nodded to someone behind. "Keep her there." He muttered before looking back down at Liv.
As soon as she heard Reed's voice and saw her, Liv remembered everything. She remembered the man's voice, his face and most of all she remembered his fury as he searched for Reed. "It was Reed's ex. He was looking for her. He had a gun. He shot us. Fuck, Hap.." Liv stared up at him in shock as she tried to process what she had just remembered. There were no tears this time. "I brought this to our fucking door step."
A/N: Thank you for reading and I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. There is going to be some revenge soon, now that the guys know who they are looking for. I must tell you all that I totally got inspired to write more while reading Lion's Den by tryingtowritesomething. If you haven't read her story check it out! It's a fabulous story! Ang, as always thanks for letting me bounce things off you.