Chapter 5 - Absolute Beginners

A couple more months passed, and then a couple more. Absolutely nothing had changed. Nothing. The Demons were still rampaging, and people were still dying by the thousands. For every group of Demons the humans and the Angels were able to dispatch, more and more came to take their place. For every victim they were able to save, the human corpses seemed to multiply exponentially. They had ceased attempting to rebuild the city, because the black-eyed bastards just kept on burning it down.

Cas had reached the end of his rope. Something had to change, and it had to change now. He had attempted to summon Crowley numerous times, but the King of Hell had refused to acknowledge his messages. Not that Cas could blame him, really. Surely, the King of Hell knew that Castiel was poised to take his anger and despair out on the head Demon, whether Crowley had endorsed his minions' activities, or not.

The day after Cas had brought Ralph to Gail, his pulse had quickened when he'd seen that the stuffed penguin was on the bed, on top of the bedspread. Gail was sitting in her chair, as always, but Ralph had certainly not moved over there by himself. Cas had looked at Gail excitedly, but then his hopes had been dashed a moment later when Nurse Lisa had come into the room. She'd popped in to check on Gail, she'd told Cas. She wasn't surprised to see him there, of course. Cas came and went at all hours. Sometimes, he would help her to make her rounds, to check on the other patients. He had even assisted her in making beds and passing out the meds, at times. The patients were in varying states, but most of them were docile. In a couple of instances, if they'd become agitated, Cas would touch their foreheads gently and surreptitiously, and they would calm down. If only he could help his wife the same way. But Cas felt sorry for Lisa. She ran herself ragged caring for all of these poor people, and she received no recompense or even thanks for it.

Lisa informed him that she was the one who'd picked Ralph up and put him on the bed. She'd assumed that Cas had brought the stuffed animal to give to his wife, but the toy had been laying on the dusty floor. So Lisa had picked it up and shaken the dust and grit off of it, then deposited the stuffed animal on the bed. She'd gotten a broom and dustpan and cleaned up the dirt from the floor, and then she'd gone on her rounds.

It hadn't been Gail at all, Cas thought disconsolately. Nothing had changed. Cas had rushed out of the room, ignoring Lisa's shocked expression, and he had stayed away for a while after that.

The next time he had been able to bring himself to go, Cas had found Lisa sitting in the nurses' lounge, sobbing.

"What's the matter?" Cas asked her.

"A.J. is dead," she told him in an anguished voice. "He ran into a burning building to save some people who were trapped inside, and he didn't come back out."

"I'm so sorry, Lisa," Cas said, putting his hand on her shoulder. His heart felt like it weighed several tons, right now. How could the Almighty Father just keep on taking and taking from the good and decent people of the Earth? How much was too much? How much was enough?

THIS was. This was it. Cas excused himself, and once he was out of her sight, he teleported over to the Lookout Point. "What do You want?" he shouted. "What more do You want from us?"

There was no answer, of course. But Cas was going to get someone to talk to him, right now. He was in a white-hot rage. At God, at Crowley, at himself...and, truthfully, at Gail. How could she leave him like this? How could she put him through this daily torment?

He popped over to Gail's room and picked her up in his arms, chair and all. "You need to see this," he said to her through gritted teeth. Cas popped her over to the Lookout Point, setting her down on the crest of the hill to face the sight of the carnage below.

"Look!" he exclaimed. "Look at the world, now! Look at what you and I have done! You just sit there in a dark room, day after day, blissfully oblivious to everything that is going on. Millions upon millions, dead. Others are being tortured, raped, or burned alive. Entire cities are on fire. People have lost all hope. I have lost all hope! What's the matter with you? Do you want me to just go away, and leave you alone? Is that what you want?"

Cas was panting now, out of breath from his tirade. His poor, sweet Gail. She didn't deserve this. He had simply reached his breaking point, and he was taking it out on her.

"Please don't yell at me, Cas," Gail said quietly. "You know I never liked that. No, I don't want you to leave me alone. Please don't do that."

Cas was overjoyed. He fell to his knees beside her. She was back! She was here with him! He touched her face. Her eyes were clear and focused, and she was looking into his eyes.

"Are you really here?" he said in a hushed tone.

"I'm really here," Gail said, sighing. "I'm sorry, Cas."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," he said firmly. "I'm sorry I shouted at you. I should not have done that. Can you please forgive me?"

She made a face. "At the risk of setting a really dangerous precedent, I have to be honest with you: that's what got my attention."

Cas smiled. He couldn't help it. This was the Gail he loved, all right. He took her hands in his. She was so cute. "I promise you that I will never shout at you again."

Gail winced. "You might change your mind, once I tell you the whole truth." She took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "I wish you'd just left me crazy, Cas."

"You don't mean that," he said quickly, giving her hands a squeeze.

Gail sighed again. "I have a confession to make. I've been back for a while, now. I was just hiding away, from everybody, and everything. Even from you, Cas. WE didn't cause this." She gestured towards the wreckage. "It was ME. I did it. I was selfish, and greedy. I wanted everything to be my way. Well, look where that got me: some crazy lady, wasting away in a mental institution. Sitting there in the dark, while all of you were out here, dealing with THAT. I have no one to blame but myself, Cas. It's only fair that you should yell at me. It's what I deserve."

"That's what I've been waiting all this time to hear," God said. He had suddenly appeared at the precipice of the Lookout Point. He levitated there for a moment, and then He floated down to solid ground. "I'm sorry for the showboating. I don't often get the opportunity to do that, any more," God said, his lips twitching. He approached the couple, as Cas stood to his full height. He looked at God apprehensively. What did He intend to do to them now?

"Relax, My children," God said calmly. "My anger has dissipated. Now, I have a question for you: if you could bring back one person who has died unfairly, knowing what you know now, who would you choose?"

Gail rose unsteadily from her chair. Her legs were weak, but she wanted to stand beside her husband now, both literally and figuratively. He put his arms around her, holding her up. They looked at each other, and a moment later, they nodded in agreement with one another. In these times, kindness was the only currency that really mattered.

Lisa's cell phone rang. It was A.J.'s partner calling, and he was both laughing and crying, shouting excitedly that A.J. had come out of the burning building, carrying a baby in his arms. He'd thrust the kid into his mother's arms, and then collapsed on the front lawn, coughing and wheezing. It was an honest-to-God miracle, A.J.'s partner told Lisa. They'd all thought he was a goner. The paramedics were taking him to St. Joe's for smoke inhalation, but otherwise, he was going to be fine. A.J.'s buddy was commandeering their cruiser right now for a road trip, and he would pick Lisa up in about twenty minutes to take her to see her boyfriend. Less, if he put the siren and the flashers on.

Lisa hung up the phone, dazed. She couldn't believe it! A.J. was alive? A.J. was alive!

But she paused now. How could she leave all of the people that were here in the hospital to their own devices? She had been living here, available to them 24/7. She was all they had. She needed to be with A.J., but how could she desert her patients?

Then, another miracle: Dr. Michaels poked his head into the nurses' lounge. Lisa stared at him, open-mouthed. She hadn't seen him in months! Where had he been, all this time?

He wasn't inclined to tell her. All the psychiatrist said was that she was hereby relieved of duty. He wanted her to throw some things in a bag and go home, for at least a week. Spend some time with A.J. He would take it from here.

He didn't have to tell her twice. Lisa jumped up from her chair. She hugged the doctor impulsively on her way out.

God smiled as He watched Lisa get into the police cruiser, about fifteen minutes later. He had appeared to her in the form of Dr. Michaels so that the nurse would feel that she was leaving the patients in good hands. And she would be, of course. The unfortunate Dr. Michaels had been killed by Demons a few months ago, but God wouldn't let Lisa down. He planned to stay here Himself, until each and every patient in the place was cured. Lisa would be out of a job, but God would make sure that she and A.J. were all right. Somehow, He didn't think the couple would mind too much. They would just be so happy to be reunited, and as soon as A.J. had recovered, he was going to propose. And maybe there would be a little bundle of joy in the near future, as well.

But God was putting the cart before the horse, now. It was time for the End of Times to end, and the Beginning to begin. When Castiel and Gail had told Him that they wanted the man that Lisa loved so dearly to be the one who was brought back, God was satisfied that the lesson had been taken. It had been the most severe one that He had ever taught, but there had been a point to it. No one should presume to play God, and the natural order of things had to be preserved. It was apparent to Him that they knew that now, and they had also been selfless and compassionate in their decision to ask Him to restore A.J.'s life, instead of any one of a number of their own family that they could have asked for. That had been their way of thanking Lisa for her kindness in taking care of Gail all this time, and God's reward to the nurse and her police officer boyfriend for all of their service.

God was pleased by the way things had turned out, overall. Now, the healing could begin. He was a fan of the song that Castiel and Gail sang with their family every year at Christmas: Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with Me. It was time for the Beginning to Begin.

Gail stood at the precipice of the Lookout Point. Cas was hovering nervously by her side. Once they'd asked God to bring A.J. back for Lisa, the Almighty Father had smiled and said, "Thy will be done." Then He had embraced them both, assured them that everything would be fine, and winked Himself away.

But Gail was still despondent. "How can everything be OK, Cas?" she said sadly. "Look at the state of the world, now."

"We have each other," Cas told her. "That's the most important thing. And, we have Frank, and Sam and Dean, and Gabriel, and - "

She interrupted her husband, looking at him pleadingly. "No!" she wailed. "No, Cas! That's how it always starts for us! Can't you see? The instant we start loving somebody, we've already started losing them."

Cas was frustrated. He reached out for her, but she backed up a step, and she was so close to the edge of the cliff, as it was. So he put his hands in his jacket pockets to stave off the temptation to reach for her again, and he backed up a few steps, for good measure.

Then, a strange thing happened: Cas's face broke into a smile. Gail looked at him, bewildered. Didn't he understand what she was saying? Didn't he understand how guilty she felt?

"No," Cas said calmly. "I lovingly disagree. May I please embrace you? Please?"

She let out a breath. Now he was giving her the puppydog eyes. Who was she kidding? She had missed him so much. Cas was the one thing, the only one who had prevented her from just checking out of everything, for good. There was no way she would have been able to leave him. He was her whole life.

Gail walked into Cas's arms. He hugged her tightly, and then he pulled out of the embrace so that he could look at her face. Impulsively, he kissed her on her nose, and she smiled, for just a moment. But that one moment was everything to him.

"Love is the cure," Cas told his wife. "It's what saved me. It's the only thing we have left. The key to everything."

The two of them looked at each other. Why did that sound so familiar? Cas took her hand. "I say that, because our hands fit perfectly together," he continued. "Because every time we kiss, my heart overflows with love. That's why. That's how I know. We will find a way to make things okay again, my darling. We will. Do you love me, still?"

"Yes, of course I do, Cas," Gail said without hesitation. "Everything that you said is right."

"Do you trust me?" Cas asked her now.

It was a bit of a peculiar question, but she replied honestly, "With everything I have, and everything I am."

"Then there's only one thing we can do to fix everything, and that's not to fix it at all," Cas stated.

Gail looked at him, astonished. What the hell was the matter with him? How could he say that? But Cas held up a hand. "You said you trusted me, did you not?"

"Yes, of course I did, but - " Then her mouth fell open. "Cas? What's going on?"

"It may not even work," he said slowly. "The choice will be yours, of course. If you decide to go a different way with it, I will follow. I will defer to whatever you decide, without complaint. I have learned my lesson. I will never be without you again, and I will never, ever give you up. But I'm not going to try to impose my will on you, Gail. You've had quite enough of that, in your existence." He let out a breath. "This is the only way I can think of to restore things to the way they were before. But it has to be your decision, not mine. As I've said, it may not even work. I've been wrong before. Many, many times, in fact."

Gail considered this. Yes, he had. When Cas had used his page from the Book of Life, the one that Death had given him, he had set this whole crappy life they'd been leading in motion. But Gail was far from blameless in this whole mess, too. By stubbornly refusing to accept what God had told them had to be done, and telling the Almighty Father that He was wrong, she had made it much, much worse. She said this to Cas now, squeezing his hand gently.

"You're not the only one who's been wrong, sweetie," she said softly. "But I think I know what you're getting at, now. 'But only one key opens', remember? It's love. You said it yourself, just a minute ago. Love is the key to everything."

Cas nodded. "Yes. Love for ourselves, for each other, and for others. If kindness is currency, love is the air that we breathe. It's the only thing that matters."

And then Cas brought the last surviving page from the Book of Life out from the pocket of his jacket, where God had placed it when He'd embraced his Son, a short while ago.

"We have to go through it all again, ever since the day you and I met at the bunker, exactly as it happened at the time," Cas said solemnly. "No changes, no deviations. We have to let it all unfold as God had intended, and trust that He will be merciful."

Gail's heart sank. God sure hadn't been too merciful lately, had He? But they had truly learned their lesson now. Hadn't they?

"You realize what that means, don't you?" Cas continued. He wanted to be absolutely sure. "Do you realize what you'll have to sacrifice? All of the pain? The deaths? The..."

Gail knew exactly what he was going to say next. She sighed heavily. "...the Demon period," she finished for him.

She could see the pain in Cas's eyes. Then, he hung his head. "Yes. Even that," he said softly.

Gail nodded slowly. Of course. In a lot of ways, that would be the worst of all of it. But then, she remembered how wonderful it had been, how liberating, to find out that it had never happened at all. Metatron had modified their memories at the time, simply because he could, to make them both believe that Cas had been a sadistic, self-centered Demon bastard, who had been so insecure about Gail's love that he'd had to threaten and subjugate her so that she would stay with him. And, for Gail's part, she'd had such low self-esteem that she'd believed for a time that it was all right to let him. Now that the both of them knew that none of it had been real, she had no idea how they had ever believed, even for one second, that it HAD been. That wasn't who Cas was, and it wasn't who Gail was, either.

Now, her mind shifted to think about all the times that God had allowed her and Cas to find each other over the years, only to separate them, under cruel circumstances. Had Metatron really been the architect behind that whole Demon thing, or had it actually been God, pulling yet another one of His famous tests? Had they passed, or failed?

Yes, it would hurt like hell to have to go through that again. But if that was what she would have to agree to, to restore order in the world, Gail would just have to suck it up. After all, she was just as much to blame for what was going on now, if not more so, than Cas. And she knew that it would really hurt her husband to have to undergo that whole ugly time almost as much as it would hurt her. That would sound like a real cliche in most cases, but in Cas's case, it was the absolute truth. It would torment him to be under the impression he was hurting her like that. He had come close to suicide more than a few times, back then. And then, he had actually done it, when Raguel had been trying to force him to hurt Gail. She had no doubt that he'd had the Demon delusion in his mind when he'd made that decision. Oh, great. That meant that they would have to re-live THAT whole thing, too. Cas's death. Her bloody sojourn in Hell. Great. Terrific. But, if they were going to bring everything back in line to the way it had been, to before she and Cas had messed up so badly, everything would need to happen exactly the way that it had happened back then.

Gail touched her husband's face. "OK, Cas. Okay. Give me a kiss, a really good one, and then do it. Before I change my mind." She gave him a wry smile.

Cas took her in his arms. "I have always loved you, and I always will," he said softly. "Please try to remember that, even at the worst of times. Everything we're about to go through is for that love, and for the love of our family."

Gail nodded again. He was right. That wouldn't really make it hurt much less, if at all. But she would try to remember it, if she could.

The two of them shared the most tender, loving kiss that they had ever experienced. Then Cas put the last page from the Book of Life into both of their hands, speaking the words in the ancient language. And then they vanished, to go back and re-live it all, from the beginning.

To paraphrase a song about beginnings, the singer states that he has nothing much to offer, because he is a beginner, presumably at the art of love.

This was the way that Castiel felt, when he and Gail made their first tentative steps towards a relationship. But he didn't let it deter him, and he tried not to allow his insecurities to drive him to the brink this time, as they had before.

Gail's eyes were open wider this time, and she stood up for herself a little more, as a result.

God went a bit easier on the couple this time around, but they were still put through their paces. Bad things still happened to them and their family, and the loved ones who had died prior to the ill-fated trip to Mount Kilimanjaro remained dead. God had considered that fact very carefully. But in the end, He'd had no choice but to stand by His decisions. Otherwise, His point, and the larger lesson, would have been lost.

But, once the Angels brought a devastated Frank and Rob home from that Florida hospital with Eric's body wrapped in a shroud, the re-set was complete. There would be no riddles, no expedition to Mount Kilimanjaro, and no Book of Life. Therefore, Hester, Carolyn, Mike and Ethan were all still alive. However, on the other side of the equasion, so were Patricia and Blaise, and the Almighty had also made an arbitrary decision to allow Abbadon to continue her existence on Earth. She and Rowena were going to ply their trade unencumbered for a while, and then, God would see what happened. He had the feeling that their particular skills might come in handy in the not-so-distant future. He had moved a few chess pieces around the board recently, and the idea pleased Him. He couldn't say why, exactly. Maybe it was because Crowley had faced no real challenges for a while. Their paths would cross from time to time, of course, but Castiel was going to be very busy soon, dealing with some challenges of his own. Not that anything new was going to be thrown in his and Gail's path, not for some time. But His Son and Daughter still had quite a bit of old business to take care of: in Paris, New Orleans, and much closer to home, in the form of a Beast, disguised as a baby. Luckily for them, the resumation of their current circumstances had taken place before Vincent had visited Becky that day, and been given the idea for the Aging spell. But it was only a matter of time.

First things first, though. At this particular moment, there were a very sad and angry group of people sitting around the library room table, talking.