I ended up breaking down in my father's arms. Trembling as I try to shove my way out of his grip. But it's the comfort I give into. I wanted to leave.
Incoherent sobs escape my lips, desperately trying to say I'm sorry. It would be highly foolish of me to say such a thing. How am I supposed to say that I killed Carrie one day?
A stupid little girl I was. Distracted by my own cries of heartbreak and the song Carrie taught me. Unknowingly aware that she slipped my finger onto the trigger and pressed it. Why? Why did she want to die so badly? I could of helped.
Again.. a stupid girl I used to be. She was suffering, maybe it was for the best?
Tears continue to slide down my cheeks like a torrent of a flood. I hated crying, but I suppose once in awhile it's good to let it all out. I feel like a young child once again. Savoring the safety from her father against the world. Extinguishing the fear that burns so highly in the back of her head.
"You okay kiddo?.." he finally asked. My father knew it was the nightmares, not once did he ever question of what I dream about. Never forced me to let the truth slip out. Instead, he blanketed me in comfort.
"I'm fine.."
My voice was barely above a whisper. Why am I still dreading over Carrie's death? It's been seven years. What would the old me think of how I turned out to be? I.. I'm fine. At least that's what I'm hoping to be, just fine.
"I need to go for a walk," I say to no one in particular. Silently slipping away from my father's arms and gently shove past Tanner and Hope who stood by the door frame. I shrugged on my jacket and my worn down sneakers. Silence unveils in the apartment as I leave.
Inside the building, merchandise markets were closed and to my guess some people were resided in their homes. My gaze shifted to the scenery around the mall, lush life all around. The torrent of rain fell in the inner center of the Colony. I don't bother to pull up the hoodie of my jacket. I let the droplets soak my hair. The rain makes my knee's buckle. All I see is what could be blood falling from the darkened sky. It makes me sick.
My feet guide me to the outside, for once I try to clear my mind from the parade of memories that were.. like reopening wounds. I finally take in the little things that the Colony had to offer, despite all the graffiti that was imprinted on the city buildings it was.. it was beautiful.
Letting everything go freely and plant itself over the buildings that others have built.. it shows how much nature can do without human influence. To my answer this was our punishment, the Simian Flu at that, to punish us of what we've done to this world. The irony is that we created the this punishment.
I press the bridge of my nose irritated. I'm thinking too deeply on things.
"Miriam?"
I don't need to be a genius to know that the voice was automatically Preacher's. Against every instinct, I look over my shoulder anyway and turn to see the man standing a short distance from me. His deep brown eyes are filled with warmth, trying to hold my gaze as well. I tear my eyes away.
"Something you need Preacher?"
He flinches at my tone; it was sharp and brutal, but I quickly gave him an apologizing smile.
"Nothing actually, but I was going to ask of why you're standing in the rain."
"Thinking" was all I could get out.
"Seems to me it's more than that.. you need company? We don't have to talk, just, you know, walk around."
I couldn't turn down an offer to someone like Preacher. He's honestly such a sweet guy, despite everything he's been through during the past ten years.
My urge wanting to be alone dwindled as I gave a slight nod to him. To be fair Preacher and I are barely around each other now, unless of course we're on supply runs. He must want to talk about something.. but I've always liked Preacher. Easy to talk to and he doesn't get in the way.
Still shaken up from the nightmare I had the walk was oddly too quiet. It causes me to sneak a look at Preacher, his hand nudges my hand, his touch surprisingly gentle.
"I want to make it up to you."
"For.. what?" I ask. A gray damp mist hangs around us; it feels like autumn already.
"For being so distant of course, ever since I began security I'm barely around," he said. Before walking ahead he added, "And consider it an early birthday present. Now come on!" I let out a ripple of laughter as Preacher grabbed my hand and led me down the street.
To test him, I began speaking, "Will it be something I like?".
"Maybe, maybe not. Just you wait" was all he said. Shifting those darkened brown eyes of his among the rain. My breath quickened at the trail we were taking. Why the hell was Preacher taking me down here?
"Is the surprise doing another supply run? If so Preacher I had other things I planned on doing today." Before I had the chance to say anything more, the sight of the police station goes past us. My curiosity only grew more.
"Be lucky that I have my shift tonight Miriam." That's right.. even on the weekends Preacher still has work to do. At least he wasn't busy right now as always. Farther down the street, we would both listen every now and then for anyone around. Attentively to someone who might notice us. Right away I knew where we were headed. Outside of the city, but for what? I do not know.
"Backpacks should be where I left them." Preacher announces. Causing me to lift my eyebrow in curiosity. From where I stood he reaches down and grabs the backpacks we usually use for supply runs.
"I have to ask Preacher, don't we need to use the tunnels in the police station to get to the outside?".
"Yes.. but we're actually going straight to the outside. No tunnels, we have a straight shot to where we'll be heading."
"Okay then, what you say goes," I muttered. I'm handed the worn down backpack and I begin to search through the contents of the pack. A certain item catches my attention right away. The glint of silver automatically has me glaring at Preacher.
"Why the hell do we need guns?". The tone of my voice is once again bitter. After the fucking nightmare I had last night I don't want to be anywhere near a gun at the moment.
"Just the essentials in case we run into anything" Preacher's eyes shift to meet mine. He reaches his hand out, "If you want I can carry both of the guns."
I shook my head. "No, it's fine," I said. We weren't going to be using the revolvers anyway. That's what I told myself at the least. To give myself a sort of comfort as I continued to shuffle through the other contents. Honestly, there have always been what-if's before going to the outside. What if we run into other survivors, what if we kill someone. At some point if there are any killings then I might not give a shit anymore. No mercy and sympathy, killing might come off as something natural and it already does. When we suffer... is it survival?
Shut up Miriam just shut up. Quit thinking about the bad things.
The rest of the contents were a first aid kit, ammo, canteen of water, three packets of dried fruit, flashlight and the revolver. Honestly not much.
"Not enough essentials to spend a day outside of the Colony," I thought out loud. Earning a light laugh from the man beside me.
"Trust me. You will need enough room for when we get there."
To my surprise the corner of my lips lift into a smile as I repeat, "What you say goes."
"Oh come on Miri. I'm surprised that you're not overexcited about this."
"Let's see.. " I began to gather my thoughts. Letting Preacher just stand there with a dumbfounded expression upon his face. "Overall I'm worried. Does my father know? My brother? Hope? That I'm going outside the Colony to just.. hangout?".
"Not... Exactly," He says. Scratching the back of his head in a nervous manner.
"Hm.. What they don't know won't hurt them."
"Why don't you go outside of the Colony by yourself?".
In the middle of placing the items away in my pack I stop. Repeating the question one more time in my head.
"It's... complicated?"
Was it? I couldn't tell.
"What's so complicated about sneaking off every now and then?"
I can't help but bristle. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"That you stick to your family like glue. Barely away from them."
I furrowed my eyebrows. Before long I begin to slowly speak of the truth. Tell him part of what happened when I was a child. "Can you blame me.. I.. shit I hate being alone Preacher" after a moment of silence I continue. "When I was a kid, I went on a supply run with my father's girlfriend. We were in one hell of a situation when this group ambushed us. Carrie killed two of them. The third got away. By the time she finally came to me, I felt.. such relief. We were okay. It didn't last long when she was killed a few minutes later. I was alone, no one to protect me."
That's what stumped me about those who tend to stay away from thriving communities or small groups. Becoming loners, why would someone want a life like that during a time like this? In theory to stay away from those with the virus and avoid being killed, avoid infected apes, and to avoid sharing food. Personally I would go through famine to stay with someone who could protect me. Even if I could protect myself.
"I hate being by myself for long periods of time. One way or another.. I will end up being alone."
Silence once again settles between us. I left out a big chunk of the story. That's alright, he wouldn't need to know.
"Damn Miriam.. I really can't blame you for thinking that way. Before I came here to the Colony I was alone for a few months. The virus finally caught up with my dad. I didn't want to let him suffer so I.."
"So you killed him?" I finish for him. With such a day to look forward to this conversation automatically was a turn of events.
"Yeah.. it doesn't matter now. What matters is us getting to the outside". Coming from someone who is shy and the sweetest person ever. I can hear the hint of heartbreak in his voice. What happened to him still hurts.
"It doesn't matter," I whisper under my breath. Carrie's death and what happened is like a love/hate relationship if that makes any sense. Instead, I want to forget, but then deep in the back of my head I want to remember.
Preacher takes my hand and leads the way. Through the rain and decimated buildings that we both call home. The Silence is heavy enough to where it's just the rain that seems to be audible to our ears. When we escape through the back my heart plummets against my ribs rapidly. I'm excited yet nervous. The only time I'm allowed out of the Colony is when my brother and I do supply runs in our group.
A million thoughts raced through my head. A ripple of excitement swirls around more than the nervousness. The thoughts I have lure away the horrifying sight of the abandoned district in the Colony. Unoccupied but occupied with rabid animals. A few years back we had to stop using this area due to.. unpleasant deaths that weren't from natural causes. We turned to the police station that Dreyfus used to work at before the outbreak. Finding out there were bunker tunnels in case anything happened and luckily the tunnels lead to the neighborhoods that could be populous with supplies.
I worry though. With those who are going on supply runs the neighborhoods are low on what we need. It's awful, at some point we need to go farther out and beyond any neighborhoods, pharmacies, and the city limits. If only Dreyfus would allow it..
Time passed by rather long, too long. The rain still falls to the overgrown life that surrounds us. After a few attempts of trying to figure out of what Preacher has planned I'm already too exhausted to see what's ahead. My throat tightened when I looked at the what lingered upon my gaze. It was honestly worth it from the long walk, climbing over fallen debris and getting stuck in the mud most of the time with the rain blinding our eyes.
The Rodman House.
(A/N: So sorry for the long wait! You know school and all comes first and I barely had time to write anything for this fanfic in the past two months. I want to thank BeetZel once again for helping me out with Miriam's and Preacher's relationship in Anarchy so thanks again! ;) Hopefully for Chapter 6 it won't be such a long wait, but the next chapter will be somewhat shorter. I do say that in a few chapters we will start seeing our favorite apes. Stay tuned! Also I noticed in previous chapters that they have some grammar issues *spelling, etc.* and I will be slightly changing the prologue tomorrow.)