Two and a half years later...
I'm just going to put what I have of these up. Rhyme and reason has left the building. If you're interested in something more sensible written by moi, I recommend my The Hobbit x The Elder Scrolls crossover, An Unexpected Dragonborn.
Thanks.
Part Five — Life Just Got Complicated
"Are you really going to wear that?"
"Yes."
"But why? It's ridiculous! It's aged! It has...celery on it."
"Well, you hid the other coat..."
The Doctor and I glared at each other. Ere long, he huffed and turned away. "Fine, but don't get dirt on it, (f/n)!"
I rolled my eyes in partial reproach and general huffiness. "Of course not, oh great and benevolent Doctor! I would not dream of ever even letting a speck of dust with tiny people take up residence on the head of celery!" I threw my arm dramatically over my forehead for emphasis and sighed heavily.
The Doctor gave me a suspicious look before slowly nodding. "Yeah, all right," he said before pushing a lever, hitting a button or twenty, and spinning some knobs. "Geronimo!"
VWOORP! VWOORP! VWOORP!
I smiled excitedly before rushing forward to the doors of the TARDIS. It may look like an old 1960s police box, but it was so much more.
A time machine, space ship...a free ride to a music concert in the 1980s...really, anything and everything.
Well, except a gallon of milk.
The Doctor stepped outside the TARDIS with me and looked around the alley we'd landed in and sniffed. "Cardiff, Wales, Great Britain, Earth, 2013, 21st-"
"I get it," I said, walking off. Cardiff? For milk? Well, Cardiff-milk is better than the weird blue stuff he tried to give me last week. Besides, I had been drinking Cardiff-milk half of my life! Well, except the other half where it was Liverpool milk...that's besides the point.
"(f/n)," the Doctor groaned. "Why, why, why can't we get that blue milk? It tastes nice!"
"It tastes nice?" I asked, not looking at the Time Lord in favor of looking around the busy street the alley let out to. "I swear, I wanted to go back to the Quad H Hospital and have my stomach pumped!"
The Doctor pouted. "You needn't be so dramatic."
I rolled my eyes. I win some, I lose some, especially with the Doctor about.
We continued walking for several minutes and it seemed, for once, that I was getting more odd looks than the Doctor. If that's even possible. Which, apparently, now it is.
"Why are they looking at me?" I inquired softly as we passed a group of old ladies who all furrowed their brows at me. "Do I have something on my face?" A momentary flash of fear. The Doctor had taken me to get this massive burn scar on my face healed, but what if-
"You're wearing celery."
Oh, yeah.
"Well, every debonair and adorable cricketer needs a fashionable green vegetable to pull her dashing ensemble together!"
The Doctor stared at me a moment before snorting. "You were watching My Little Pony - In Space! again."
I huffed. "And how would you know?"
"Cos that's exactly what Rarity said to Dr. Whooves in the season 13 final," the Doctor nodded. "I thought Rarity had better taste than that, but..."
I snorted. The mental image of the Doctor - my 'brave and handsome' Doctor - watching a little girls' show from the 23rd century was quite funny in a satisfactory way. "Ya know, I'm still convinced that that Dr. Whooves fellow is based off of you," I giggled.
"I assure you, he's not," the Doctor sniffed. "I'd make a horrible pony! I couldn't use the sonic screwdriver! Or the psychic paper! Or work the TARDIS!"
My giggling turned to full blown laughter. "Oh Doctor..."
"DOCTOR!"
I felt something heavy crash into my back and I went spiraling on the concrete, the heavy thud next to me told me that the Doctor had gone down too.
I hope the celery isn't squished.
"(f/n)?" Came the Doctor's stifled voice.
"Yeah?" Came my stifled reply. Oh, he's checking up on me. That fall did kinda hurt, oh, everything.
"Did you hurt my jacket?"
Figures.
"No...?"
"Brilliant."
"Doctor!" Came the same voice as before, right above us. I heard movement before I felt someone grab my arm and haul me to my feet.
"Careful!" Hissed the Doctor. "I'm actually fond of that jacket and - oh, (f/n), you squished the celery!"
I blinked rapidly before shaking my head and frowning at the Doctor. "We're going to the grocery!"
"Not anymore," the Doctor said, gesturing to my left with a tilt of his pointy ridiculous chin.
I turned and frowned, again. A guy with dark hair, a World War II era coat, suspenders...and a belt was frowning slightly at me.
Welcome, everyone, to the international day for frowny faces.
We appraised each other for a moment before the dude stuck his hand out and gave me a bright toothy grin full of sparkling white teeth and winked. "I'm Captain Jack Harkness, it's truly a marvel to meet you, Miss...(f/n), was it? Hello." I shook his hand stiffly.
"Okay! Jack! Stop flirting!"
We both turned to see the Doctor, whose bowtie was partially undone and his bangs were splayed over his forehead. Disheveled hair, hmm, suits him.
And apparently Captain Harkness agreed with me cos next thing he slung his arm over the Doctor's shoulders and grinned at him. "Hey Doc! You're looking well! I love the hair, by the way. How's it been?"
The Doctor didn't look altogether pleased, which I found funny.
"Kindly refrain from calling me 'Doc', Jack," he sniffed, shrugging the captain's arm off.
Despite the Doctor's administration of the infamous 'cold shoulder', Captain Harkness just continued to smile that blinding smile of his. "You regenerated, Doc! And it-"
"Stop," the Doctor sighed, cutting the captain off. "What do you want, Jack?"
Jack's shrugged. "I can't visit my favorite Time Lord every now and then?"
"You bowled over us on the street," I reminded him, but he only winked at me.
This guy was crazy.
"(f/n) has a point, besides, how did you even know it was me?" The Doctor asked suddenly.
"The sound of the TARDIS, the sudden spike from the Rift signalling a time space distortion only caused by the TARDIS, the fact that we had that celery jacket on record back at Torchwood..." Captain Jack recited, ticking each point off on his fingers.
"All right, all right, I get your point!" The Doctor huffed. He seemed moodier than usual, meaning that extra fish fingers and custard and maybe reruns of Merlin might be how we're going to spend the evening.
Captain Jack only grinned at the moody Time Lord and I decided it was then I should intervene before the Doctor hurts himself or the captain.
I sound like a glorified babysitter.
"Okay, guys. Why don't we take a walk? I'm sure there's a chippy around here somewhere, right?" I turned to Captain Jack for the answer to my question. He, in turn, nodded.
"Yeah, I know a place just a few blocks down," he said, gesturing in the chippy's general direction.
The Doctor seemed to perk up at the mention of chips, something I was hoping for. When his mood wasn't to be fixed with fish fingers and custard or television, there were chips.
Oh gosh, I am the glorified babysitter to a 1,200 year old Time Lord.
Fine.
"Chips, yes, those are excellent, I hope they have vinegar, vinegar and chips..." The Doctor rambled absentmindedly.
Jack blinked at the Doctor before turning back to me with another smile, something I couldn't help but return this time round.
"Come along (f/n)!"
Both Jack and I turned to see the Doctor already walking down the street, muttering about chips and vinager.
I made to follow the Doctor, ready for chips, when Jack grabbed my arm.
"(f/n)," he said, reaching into his pocket.
"Yeah?" I quirked an eyebrow at this old 'friend' of the Doctor's, wondering what he could possibly have that would be for me.
From his pocket, Jack pulled out an odd bracelet - watch? - covered in metal, buttons, wires, and a small screen, like that of a calculator I guess. I frowned as he extended it towards me.
"What's that for? Intergalactic time telling?"
He chuckled. "Not quite, no. It's called a vortex manipulator. As the name suggests, it manipulates the time vortex for simple time and space travel."
I stared at him, maybe slightly dumbly.
"It's a wrist TARDIS?" I asked, blinking.
Jack opened his mouth before hesitating as if in thought before he shrugged. "It's not...alive like the TARDIS and you can't live inside it and it's generally considered a crude method of time travel but I...guess?"
I nodded. "Okay, but I live in the actual TARDIS, why do I need your vortex manipulator?"
Instead of getting exasperated, Jack only smiled. "Because, (nickname), you asked me this morning to give it to you."
"I just met you."
"Time travel, a future you."
"Oh."
Why would a future me ask Jack Harkness for his...time traveling wrist watch? If I have the TARDIS and the Doctor...
...unless, I don't have the TARDIS and the Doctor in the future.
Oh dear.
I would be lying if I said that I expected this life of adventures and running throughout space and time to go on forever, but at the same time, I haven't imagined a time when it'd stop. When the Doctor would go spinning off in the TARDIS and I'd be home once again with my parents, potato salad, and job at the bookstore.
"Did I say why I needed it?" I asked, tentatively taking the vortex manipulator and stuffing it gingerly in the inside pocket of the Fifth Doctor's cricket jacket.
Jack grinned at me, showing several straight, white teeth. "Oh, you said-"
"What'd she say?" The Doctor suddenly popped up between us, causing us both to jump back, startled. "You know what? Who cares what (f/n) said! The chips are a-waiting and you two are taking up too much time with your human-y jibber jabber!" The Doctor went on, grabbing both Jack and I by the forearm and dragging us down the street in the direction of the chippy.
I looked towards Jack, who grinned and winked at me before looking ahead at the Doctor's back. "In a bit of a hurry there, aye Doc?"
"Chips wait for no man!" The Doctor retorted.
"Or Time Lord!" I added, laughing.
"Quite right, (f/n), quite right," the Doctor said, halting us at the head of a street. "Oh, that's a lot of chippies."
"Oh! I know where we are!" I cried, excited. I instantly took charge and dragged the Doctor and Jack down Caroline Street - or 'Chippy Lane' as many called it. If we were getting fish and chips (we were) there was only one place to go - Dorothy's.
Jack looked longingly over his shoulder towards a white and red building. "Tony's has such a nice bar..."
"I want to go to Dorothy's," I insisted, dragging us to the aforementioned building. "And 'sides, Tony's doesn't have any alcohol! What's the point of a bar without alcohol?"
Jack only huffed.
The Doctor bounced eagerly as I pulled open the blue door and led the way in. Ah, the smell of fried foods - fish, chips, chicken - such delicious greasiness twas ne'er known anywhere else.
"I don't think I've been here, I usually go to the chip shops in London," the Doctor said as he, Jack, and I took a seat.
"Really? I've eaten here since...I was seventeen," I shrugged.
Jack nodded while the Doctor looked through one of the menus. "I think we all need fish and chips," he muttered.
"Whoa, Doc, I want fried chicken!" Jack protested.
Both the Doctor and I gave him a look before looking at each other and laughing quietly.
Jack only rolled his eyes before bumping me with his shoulder. "Why don't you go order the food, then (f/n)?" He said, smiling at me.
"Sure," I shrugged, the thought of chips was far too inviting for me to decline.
"While you do that, I need to use the little Time Lord's room," the Doctor said, jumping back up. Both Jack and I watched him go toward one side of the front sitting area before turning about and heading in the other direction toward the public restrooms.
"He's odd," Jack said.
"You have no idea," I replied, shaking my head.
"Oh? Don't I?" Jack muttered as I walked off towards the counter, smiling slightly.
I stood in line, which didn't take too long, and watched the slow ticking of the clock. Time seemed so funny after having traveled through it for nearly six months. I began humming as I waited for the line to shorten and, before I knew it, I was at the front. After placing our order, I leaned against the counter and watched as they prepared the fish, chips, and Jack's chicken. Once the little baskets were in my hands, I turned around to go back to our table.
And stopped dead in my tracks.
Someone who looked freakishly just like me was leaning over the table and whispering to Jack Harkness hurriedly. A vortex manipulator - the Captain's vortex manipulator - was in her - my - hands. She glanced up at me and made eye contact before looking back at the Captain, smiling and thrusting the vortex manipulator into his arms before turning and darting out the door.
Suddenly the noise in the room became too loud and the light from windows and flurascent bulbs was too bright. I walked dazedly in the direction of our table, almost stumbling a few times, as Jack simply smiled at me, the vortex manipulator having disappeared into his coat pocket.
That was me.
From the future.
Bloody...
"(f/n), took you long enough!" Jack exclaimed jovially as I nearly bumped into the table.
"Eh, yeah, sorry," I grumbled, putting down his chicken before plopping down into my seat with the Doctor's and my fish and chips still in hand.
We stared at each other.
"Who...?"
"Oh, you know."
"Excellent!"
The Doctor reappeared in that moment, drawing my attention towards him and away from...whatever had just happened.
"Would you pass the vinegar, (f/n)?" He asked.
"Uh, sure," I said, handing the bottle over to him.
"Ah, thanks!" He said, before smothering his chips with the stuff.
Jack crinkled his nose. "I don't know how you can do that."
"I don't know how you can do lots of the things that you do," the Doctor retorted, causing me to giggle.
"Like what?" I asked.
"Well..." The Doctor began.
"There was that time I stripped on intergalactic TV?" Jack offered.
"Oh my!" I exclaimed, caught between a giggle and mortification.
"Oh, yes," Jack said, smirking at me. "The show's ratings drastically increased."
"You wish," the Doctor coughed.
"Oh, and there was the time I stripped in a crowd outside a hospital!" Jack added.
"Wow," I muttered, nibbling a chip.
"Harkness, we're eating! Stop talking about your wanton escapades!" The Doctor exclaimed.
"I did it so you could escape the hospital," Jack reminded him.
"Be that as it may-"
"Oh quit complaining, Doc! You enjoyed it!"
Thus continued our lunch.
I sat quietly as the Doctor and Jack went back and forth, presently moving on from Jack's strange ventures to talking about two places called 'Torchwood' and 'UNIT', some people called Martha and Mickey Smith (Martha sounded familiar) and another Smith, Sarah Jane, and many other topics. I was just content to sit quietly and watch them, listening to Jack and the Doctor talk about what was obviously the Doctor's 'past' and Jack's 'present' even after my chips were gone and the greasy hot paper turned cold.
Soon, we left Dorothy's and Chippy Lane to walk along St. Mary's, the Doctor and Jack continued to talk as I walked between them.
"Would you like to come to my flat, Doctor?" Jack asked presently. "Martha and Mickey mouse will be over later and they'd love to see you and (nickname)."
The Doctor shook his head. "I'm afraid not, Jack, (f/n) and I have a busy schedule to keep and really must dash after we grab our groceries."
"Awe, c'mon! I'm sure Miss (f/n) would love to meet the Smiths!" Jack protested.
As much as I'd love to meet more of the Doctor's friends, I was ready to return to the TARDIS. Jack Harkness, vortex manipulators and a message from the future were quite enough excitement for me for one day.
"Actually, I just want to get the milk and go to bed," I interjected.
The Doctor smiled at me causing me to briefly wonder why he wouldn't want to see these Martha and Mickey people if he was half as fond of them as he seems to be of me, but I wasn't too pressed to ask him. Jack looked slightly disappointed but nodded in understanding.
"Of course, time waits for no man."
"Or Time Lord," the Doctor and I added and the three of us laughed companionably for a few moments before all of us calmed down.
"May I accompany you two lovely people to the grocery? You're in dire need of some new celery," Jack said, gesturing towards the squished green vegetable pinned to my jacket lapel.
I had nearly forgotten that the jacket I wore belonged to the Doctor.
"Sure," I said, before the Doctor could object. "I need someone to keep him from putting useless stuff in our basket."
"Oi!" The Doctor cried indignantly. "We needed those water chestnuts!"
"No, we didn't," I sighed as we walked towards the nearest grocery store.
"Well, I needed them," the Doctor huffed, crossing his arms like a five year old.
"Of course you did," I muttered lowly, causing Jack to chuckle.
The trip into the grocery was fairly uneventful - until the Doctor unintentionally insulted a mother-to-be by saying she needed to lay off the jammy dodgers and she slapped him. Needless to say, security showed up after that and we ended up running out of the store, bags swinging about our elbows, as the hefty store security guards showed that they could actually preform their job of chasing people. We ran for several blocks, Jack and I yanking the Doctor along as he kept trying to go back and negotiate with them. Eventually, we arrived outside the TARDIS, out of breath and leaning heavily on each other, having finally lost the security guards four blocks back.
"I haven't ran...like that...in...ages..." Wheezed Jack, slumping against the Doctor.
"You had to...go...and insult a hormonal pregnant lady, didn't you?" I asked the Doctor, sliding along the TARDIS until I sat on the pavement, cradling the milk in my arms and hoping it wasn't curdled.
"How was I supposed to know?" The Doctor cried, pushing Jack off of him and pulling out his TARDIS key. He quickly unlocked the door and swung it wide open.
Jack and I watched the Doctor vanish into his time machine. After a few moments of lying about on the pavement and moaning about the stitches in our sides, the two of us finally dragged ourselves into the TARDIS.
"Oh," Jack said, looking around the console room. "You redecorated."
The Doctor looked up from the console to stare at Jack before looking around at the shiny metal and glass type retro theme of the TARDIS console room. "Yes, after I regenerated. Do you like it?"
Jack tilted his head to the side, squinted his eyes, and looked around before spying the stairs that go under the console. "Where's that lead to?"
"Wait-"
But Jack had already leapt to his feet and sauntered down the metal steps. "Oh! A loveseat in the TARDIS! And it swings! How sweet of you Doctor!"
The Doctor only grunted in aggravation. "It's a swing, not a loveseat!"
"Why not both?" Jack asked, poking his head out of the stairwell. "We can test it out together Doctor, come on!"
The Doctor huffed while I began to laugh as Jack wiggled his eyebrows at us.
"All right then Captain Harkness, that's enough visitation time for you today," the Doctor said, going forth and grabbing Jack by the collar.
The Time Lord began dragging the captain toward the TARDIS doors. I couldn't help but laugh at Jack when he looked ready to swoon against a clearly agitated Doctor. I stepped over to the doors as the Doctor deposited Jack on the street outside.
"Goodbye, Captain Harkness, it was a pleasure to meet you," I said, putting forth my hand for him to shake.
Jack eyed it before smiling, clearly getting an idea. However, before he could act on whatever was going on in that head of his, the Doctor braced his arm on the doorframe as a barrier between the captain and I. "Whatever you're thinking," said the Doctor, "stop thinking it."
Jack gave him an indignant look. "I only wish to bid the fair lady farewell, Doctor! Surely you cannot find fault with that?"
"I can when it's you," the Doctor said simply.
I reached under the Doctor's tweed clad arm and, grasping Jack's hand, shook it. "Til next time, Captain."
He gave me a dazzling smile. "Until then, Miss-"
The Doctor slammed the TARDIS door.
"Good riddance!" He huffed, turning towards the console and dematerializing us with a steady VWOORP noise.
I meandered up to stand next to him. "He's an interesting fellow; wherever did you find him?"
"Met him in World War II, he almost caused everyone in London to become gasmask zombies. Of course, I took him on board after that," the Doctor said briefly, flipping the last switch and turning to me. "He's quite the character, isn't he?"
"I'll say, but I guess you meet a lot of those types in your travels, huh?"
"Yeah, and many other types too."
"Like what?" I asked, curious. Like the journalist they spoke of, Sarah Jane, who went about England doing what the Doctor does? Or the doctor - turned - soldier - turned - freelance alien hunter Martha? Or the sidekick made hero Mickey, who was never really even an actual 'Doctor's companion'? Like Rose, the girl who meant everything to-
"Like you, for instance! Kind, considerate, funny, smart, pretty..." He trailed off.
He thinks I'm pretty?
Oh, um, this is going to get awkward. Unless...
"Doctor! Don't call your babysitter pretty! What would the TARDIS think?"
"What?" The Doctor stepped back, scrunching up his face. "I assure you, (f/n), I do not need a babysitter! I'm-"
"-1,200, I know!" I smiled, plopping the milk carton in his arms and bouncing off. "I'm off!" I cried over my shoulder, darting in the direction of my bedroom.
The Doctor stood dumbly at the console, cradling the milk to his chest before shaking his head and looking down.
"(f/n)! We left the other groceries on the street and the milk curdled!"
Later, after running to a Target in Seattle, Washington and almost falling off of the Space Needle (twice), I plopped down on my bed, the Eleventh Doctor happily tinkering after having his fish custard and the Fifth Doctor's cricket jacket lying on the back of my desk chair.
I stared down at the object in my hands, Jack Harkness' vortex manipulator, and frowned.
Why did I need a time machine on a wrist?
Why did a future me visit Jack the morning before we ran into him?
Why did another future me run into Dorothy's and give him back the vortex manipulator?
Why would I ever need to time travel without the TARDIS or the Doctor?
Why would he just leave me?
Did he leave me?
Those questions floated around my head as I stood up and marched to my jewelry box. Pulling open the bigger on the inside container, I stuffed the piece of future technology down amongst a few alien bracelets and headbands before closing and locking it.
Turning away, I spotted the cricket jacket still lying where I'd left it. I needed to get the celery out of the fridge.
Then...and then I was going to go to bed, vowing that next time I'd wear something less conspicuous than celery.