Chapter 6 Notes: Jess and Jeremy weren't ready to leave Stars Hollow quite yet, so here's the rest of their weekend visit. Thanks so much to everyone who is reading, following and reviewing. You guys are very much appreciated. :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.
Trigger Warnings: Brief mention of past substance abuse and past child abuse.
Jeremy was the only one still awake in the dark apartment. He was lying on his back on an inflatable mattress at the foot of the bed that Jess was sleeping on. He could hear the occasional light snore from his foster father, but other than that, the apartment was quiet, and Jeremy was taking the opportunity to reflect on the day he had spent with Jess' family.
After an hour or so with Lorelai and Rory, April had asked her father to drop her off in Woodbury so she could meet up with one of her old junior high biology teachers for coffee. Jess and Jeremy had tagged along and gone shopping with Luke for supplies for Winston at the Petco while they waited for April. When they got back to Stars Hollow, April had insisted that they use the time before dinner to give Jeremy the full walking tour of the town. Jeremy had really enjoyed just wandering around town with Jess and his family. They were good about including him in the conversation without overwhelming him with questions about himself. And they made sure to point out the significant landmarks for him, like the gazebo in the town square, the Black White and Read Theater where you could see an old movie for a dollar, a place called Al's Pancake World that seemed to be the diner's main competition and where you could order pretty much anything you wanted except for pancakes, the sidewalk outside Doose's market where Jess had apparently faked a murder scene in his misspent youth, and the bridge from which Luke had pushed a teenaged Jess into the lake during what he described with a chuckle as the weakest moment of his parenting career, when he hadn't been able to stand Jess' smart-ass attitude for one more second. Luke and April had laughed at the memory, and Jeremy had joined in a little, more at the infectiousness of their amusement than at the idea of an adolescent Jess being pushed into a lake. It seemed harmless enough now, when Jeremy could see how much Luke loved his nephew and how close they were, but he knew what it felt like to be at the mercy of a new caretaker who was still mostly a stranger, and he thought the incident must have been a little unnerving for Jess at the time. Jess had feigned annoyance at all three of them, yeah, sure, he'd said, laugh it up, child abuse is a real riot. In front of the dance studio, Luke had casually put an arm around Jeremy's shoulders to focus his attention on the building as he told the story of how a town selectman named Taylor Doose had once held a secret town meeting there with the sole purpose of trying to run Jess out of town for being such a little punk. April had laughed at that and Jess had glowered and called Taylor a despot, while Jeremy had been preoccupied with soaking up Luke's attention and the weight of his arm on his shoulders.
Jeremy thought about dinner at Luke's house, or more precisely, preparing dinner. Jeremy had asked Luke if he could help him in the kitchen. Luke had laughed it off at first, saying he had never heard those words in that house before, and telling Jeremy that he was a guest and he didn't want to put him to work. Jeremy was pretty sure that the disappointment he was never good at concealing was what made the man relent, giving Jeremy peppers and garlic to chop. Jess had come in a few minutes later, book in hand, to check on Jeremy and accused Luke of exploiting child labor. Luke had laughed, telling Jess, hey, the boy offered, and Luke didn't get much help in the kitchen so he had to take advantage when he could. Jeremy had told Jess that he was good, that he wanted to help. Jess had grabbed a piece of red pepper off Jeremy's cutting board, and popped it in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. He had looked back and forth between Luke and Jeremy, nodded, and walked toward the door, saying he would be on the porch reading if anyone needed him. Jeremy had chopped vegetables and listened to Luke tell stories about cooking and opening the diner. He paid close attention when Luke had taken the time to show him how to correctly hold a knife and the most efficient way to dice an onion. When Luke had asked Jeremy questions about school or his life in Philadelphia, Jeremy had politely answered each one and then brought the conversation back to Luke, asking about his childhood in Stars Hollow, his family, the Red Sox' chances for next season, anything to keep the man wanting to talk to him. It was getting dark on the other side of the windows and Jeremy felt safely tucked inside the warm glowing light of the kitchen, working comfortably side by side with someone who made him feel accepted. When they were done, and the enchiladas were cooling on the table set for six, Jeremy felt a sense of loss as the rest of Luke's family invaded the kitchen for dinner, talking and pulling out chairs.
After dinner, Rory had begged off a game or movie, claiming that all the cheese in the enchiladas had done her in. Luke had agreed, saying it was getting late, that he would clean up the kitchen later, he was going to walk the kids over to the apartment and make sure they got settled in ok. He had dug out and set up the inflatable mattress, apparently patched from a mishap during Jess' teenaged years, and after much debate, it was decided that Jess would take Luke's old bed, with Jeremy on the mattress by the end and April would take her and Jess' old bed. Both Jess and April had offered Jeremy their beds since he was the guest, but he had adamantly refused. They had ended up watching a movie on TV, and Luke had fallen asleep in the beat-up armchair long before it had ended. April had thrown a blanket over him and texted Lorelai before the rest of them had turned in for the night.
It had been a good night, a good day for the most part. Jeremy thought about how most good days were still tinged with sadness for him. How the illusion of being included always seemed to be juxtaposed with the feeling of being an outsider, not really special to anyone, on the fringe of a real family, and not even sure how long he would be around to maintain that tenuous connection. When Luke had learned that Jeremy liked baseball, but had never been to a major league game, he said they would have to take a trip to Fenway in the spring. Jeremy had agreed readily despite knowing that he might not be a part of Luke's life by then. He knew better than to make plans too far in the future, that it only led to disappointment. At dinner, April had talked about the camping trips that Luke had taken her, and sometimes Jess, on when she was in junior high and high school. She said she missed that and that they should plan one with the whole family for the spring, extending the invitation to Jeremy specifically by saying that she understood if he didn't want to fish since he was a vegetarian, but there were lots of other things to do and she thought he would have a good time anyway. He had just smiled and said that camping sounded great, that he had never been and would love to go. He liked to think he had gotten much better at not getting his hopes up, but he knew he was a sucker every time.
Jeremy thought about how physically affectionate Jess' family was, and how much more tactile Jess himself was with his real family than he was with Jeremy. Jeremy felt like they were getting closer. Somedays it was easy to believe that Jess would be in his life forever, to not let himself picture things ending any other way than with Jess as his forever family. But, being around Jess' actual family had made him realize that he and Jess were nowhere near as close to being family as he had let himself believe. Jeremy had been with Jess for a month now, and he could count on one hand the amount of times Jess had touched him in more than just a passing pat on the shoulder or back. He thought about Jess rubbing his back while he had broken down crying his first night with Jess and running his hand through his hair after he passed out at the Red Cross. The guy seemed to reserve physical affection for times when Jeremy needed comfort, but he was much more physically affectionate with his real family. Jeremy understood. It made sense that he would hug and roughhouse with Luke and April. He had known them a lot longer than he had Jeremy. He was more comfortable with them. And he had the security of knowing they would be in his family, and his life forever. But, recognizing the logic behind the difference in how Jess treated him didn't make it hurt any less.
Jeremy knew he was probably too old to feel this way, but sometimes he really wanted to be hugged. He hadn't had regular hugs since he lost his parents. He had vague memories of his mom tucking him in with a hug and kiss every night. Hugs had been much less routine in foster care, but he had still been an occasional recipient when he had been young and his sad and introverted personality had been looked at as cute instead of pathetic. The physical affection had started to peter out around the time he turned ten, and he could recall entire placements from his pre-teen and teenage years where he had never been touched at all. He thought about how lots of guys he knew in foster care found a substitute for family affection in a girlfriend or a group of close friends, but that had never worked out for him either. He had spent so much of his life thinking that he would always be alone, but a part of him had never given up hope that there was a family out there who would want him. And, now, he felt on the cusp of something, living with Jess, being welcomed here by his family. He just wished he knew what. Reprieve from a lifetime of loneliness, or a heart break that he wasn't sure he could recover from.
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Jess walked up to the open garage door, a to-go cup of diner coffee in his hand. He paused at the entrance, taking in the Norman Rockwell-like sight of his almost dad teaching his almost kid how to use a table saw. Jeremy had his back to Jess, head down focused on the task in front of him as he ran a long thin piece of wood against the whirring saw blade, Luke at his side watching the boy, enough of his profile visible for Jess to see the fond smile on his face, then his mouth moving with words inaudible to Jess over the roar of the saw, probably giving Jeremy instructions or praising his workmanship.
Jess had woken up to find April brushing her teeth in the bathroom, the only other person still in the apartment, along with a note from Jeremy, wishing Jess good morning and letting him know that Luke was taking him to the workshop at his house, that he hoped that was ok, and that he'd leave his phone on in case Jess wanted to text him. Jess couldn't fault the kid for his manners. He was very big on leaving politely worded notes regarding his whereabouts. Jess was pretty sure not every teenager was that thoughtful or responsible. He couldn't fault him for wanting to hang out with Luke either. Jess watched as Jeremy finished cutting the piece of wood, and Luke reached over to switch off the electric saw, clapping a hand briefly on Jeremy's shoulder before they inspected the piece of wood together, Luke telling the boy what a great job he had done, Jeremy facing sideways enough for Jess to see the grin below his oversized safety goggles as he looked up at Luke. This is what Jeremy should have. A parent who knew a thing or two about making a teenager feel comfortable because he had already raised two of his own. Not someone like Jess, who sometimes felt as if he were using Jeremy as a guinea pig as he learned the basics of caring for a child through trial and error. It wasn't lost on Jess that Jeremy already preferred Luke to him. He would probably feel the same way in the boy's shoes.
"I leave you two alone for five minutes, and you're turning my kid into Norm Abram."
They turned toward him, Luke's smile intensifying at Jess' voice, Jeremy's turning to confusion. Jess had to keep reminding himself that a lot of his references weren't funny, or even recognizable, to a seventeen-year old. "That's Luke's idol." He explained to Jeremy. "From his good ol' Yankee craftsmanship down to his everyday plaid shirts."
Luke laughed. "I am a big fan. The guy does good work. You just getting up now?"
Jess walked into the garage and casually looked over Jeremy's shoulder at the piece of wood. "I've been up for a while. I drove April over to Woodbury to visit her uncle and his family. She's going to hang out with them today, but she said she'd have Stan bring her back in time for dinner. You really need to get that girl a car."
Luke laughed. "Hey, I offered when she was still in college, but she doesn't want one. Says she gets around fine in Boston just walking around or taking the train. You eat breakfast?"
Jess held up the Luke's diner cup. "Cesar hooked me and April up before we left."
Jeremy's expression was concerned. "You got my note, right?"
Jess nodded. "Yes, I did. And I appreciate it. Thank you for leaving it. So, what are you guys working on?"
"It's going to be a toy box for Rory's baby. It's still in the early stages, but I'm hoping to have it done by the time she has the baby. Jeremy here's been helping me out this morning." Luke pushed the safety glasses up onto his head and turned to Jeremy. "You ready to sand that piece now?"
"Yeah, definitely." Jess took in the enthusiasm in the boy's voice and watched him mimic what Luke had done with his own safety glasses. "It that ok, Jess?" The kid was looking at him, concern in his eyes, again. "Did you want me to do something?"
"Of course, it's ok." Jess smiled at the boy. "I'll just hang out with you guys while you work." He sipped his coffee, took a seat on a stool a few feet from the saw bench, and watched Luke set the boy up with a piece of sandpaper, showing him how to hand sand with the grain. At least Jess had arrived during a quiet activity. It was much too early to be around a table saw in his opinion.
"So, how are things around here now that Rory's moved back in?" Jess asked.
"Oh, it's been great having her here. Lorelai and I are both really excited that she's going to be here when the baby's born. We're really looking forward to being grandparents."
"It's not crowded with three people? Or with all the baby stuff piling up?" Jess had noticed a bunch of baby related things stored in already busy corners of the living room and in the bathroom. He was glad that Luke had this garage as his own space. It was his impression that the Gilmore house was only big enough for two, and that right now those two seemed to be Lorelai and Rory. April had told him how Luke had tried to talk Lorelai into buying a house together a few years ago, one with four bedrooms instead of two, to accommodate her and Jess when they visited as well as Rory, but that Lorelai had shot it down, saying that she was too attached to her house to leave it. Jess had never slept in Lorelai's house. He knew April used to sleep in Rory's bedroom when she had visited from college before Rory had moved back home, but he had always preferred to stay in Luke's apartment and now April did, too. April often referred to the house Luke lived in as Chez Gilmore and the apartment above the diner as Chez DMN for Danes-Mariano-Nardini, or as the Gilmore manor and the servants' quarters if she was in a particularly sarcastic mood. Though it was never exactly planned in advance, last night had not been the first time that Luke had spent the night in the apartment with his visiting daughter and nephew.
"No, it's not crowded. It'll be a full house once Rory has the baby, definitely, but it's not like she's going to stay with us forever. We want to enjoy it while we can." Luke smiled. "This is a big year for me. I'm becoming a great-uncle and a grandfather within a couple of months of each other. That's exciting stuff."
Jess registered Jeremy's small smile and slight blush even as the boy kept his head down as he focused on sanding. "Luke doesn't get out much." Jess told the boy by way of explanation.
Jeremy looked up at Jess then, smile still playing on his lips. "I get it. It's been a pretty big year for me, too."
Jess racked his brain for something to say that would adequately reciprocate Jeremy's sentiment and express the gratitude he felt for having Jeremy in his life without sounding too corny, something wise and dad-like. He came up empty, and then Luke was squeezing Jeremy's shoulder and praising his sanding craftsmanship, and the moment had passed, and Jeremy was concentrating on sanding the other edge of the cut wood, leaving Jess to feel that his normally reliable verbal skills had again let him down during a pivotal moment.
Jess sipped his coffee. "So, what's going on with the dad? Is he going to want joint custody?"
"Who?" Luke gave him a questioning look. "Oh, you mean Logan?"
"Sorry, did I confuse you by not referring to him as the blond dick from Yale?"
Jeremy looked up from his sanding at that, making fleeting and surprised eye contact with Jess before quickly refocusing on what he was doing.
Luke sighed. "I really wish you wouldn't call him that."
"I just referred to him as the dad instead and you had no idea who I was talking about."
"He's always going to be involved with her now. I wish you would get over whatever crap you have with him. He's the father of your cousin's baby."
"Step-cousin. Let's not forget the very important 'step' aspect of our relationship. Otherwise, it feels much too Flowers in the Attic for me."
"I thought you two were good now. You seemed to get along ok when you were home in July. You were helping her with her book. You two seemed fine then."
Jess thought back to his July trip to Stars Hollow. He had gotten Truncheon interested in publishing Rory's book soon after Luke and Lorelai's wedding, and by summertime, Jess had been working with Rory over email for a few months. Their relationship had remained distant and professional, focused mostly on the work, editor and author, with only occasional mentions of Charisse or Paul or life in Philly or Stars Hollow. During that July visit, Jess had still been mired in the hurt and disappointment of losing Charisse. Rory had recently moved back into her childhood bedroom and had just been dumped by her boyfriend Paul, and they had started to really talk for the first time in over a decade. They had bonded over their lives not working out as they had planned. He had heard about the pregnancy early on from Luke, back when Luke has assumed the father was Paul. Rory had let Jess believe that throughout his long weekend in Stars Hollow. Nodding when he had made comments about how surprised he was that Paul had broken up with her while she was pregnant, that he had always seemed like such a good guy. Claiming she wasn't sure what was going to happen when he had asked whether Paul was going to be in the baby's life or offer financial support. They had gone over a few chapters of her book that had focused on her teenage years with her mom, Jess appearing as a background character at best, but it had brought up so many old memories and feelings. Jess had felt their rekindled connection as a balm, soothing his hurt feelings and wounded pride, and restoring his sense of himself, after the loss of Charisse.
Jess had left Stars Hollow feeling better about himself and his life, feeling hopeful, letting himself escape into a mental picture of the future in which his connection with Rory grew, he was there for her and her child, and they became their own little family of three. The book-related emails continued, but they were friendlier now, edging toward but never quite arriving at flirty, full of details about Lorelai, Luke and the regular Stars Hollow cast of characters on her end, and details about books he was reading and funny work stories on his. Less than two weeks after he returned to Philly, Luke had told Jess on the phone that he and Lorelai had woken to the sound of frenzied tap dancing in the middle of the night, and found a very wound up Rory having a meltdown in the kitchen that ended with her revealing that Logan was the baby's father, not Paul. Luke's point in telling Jess was that Rory was stressed out and unsure of what to do, and he thought she could really use a friend right now. Jess had felt angry and betrayed on such a visceral level that he was instantly ashamed of his emotional reaction. He had been flooded with bad memories and old hurt feelings, his mind finally fixating on the night she had come to the open house in Philadelphia, intent on using him to get back at that blond asshole for cheating on her. He felt the hurt all over again, followed by a feeling of stupidity, that he could only blame on himself, for believing things could be different, better, new. He knew it was his own fault. He had been feeling vulnerable and let himself want things that were no longer appropriate. But, no more.
He had spoken to Chris and Matthew the next day about transferring Rory's project to Donna, another senior editor, on the basis that he was too close to the subject matter and that he felt like a female editor would be better suited to the project since he anticipated the book having a mostly female readership. He had sent an introduction email to both Rory and Donna and then bowed out of the project and Rory's life. She had sent an email back to him, leaving Donna off, asking why he was doing this. He knew his response had been cold, reiterating the same bullshit he had fed to Chris and Matthew, wishing her luck with the rest of the writing process, and mentally relegating her back to a safe spot in his life, as Luke's step-daughter, someone to be pleasant to, but not friendly with in any real way. And he knew he had been struggling with even the pleasant part during his current visit.
"We're fine, Luke. We just don't have very much to talk about now that I'm not working on her book anymore."
"I still don't get why you couldn't be the one to help her with her book. You know her and understand her better than any other editor ever will, even if the new one is a woman."
Rather than tell Luke that that was the problem, Jess launched into an explanation that he felt was only partially bullshit, about male editors sometimes having the obligation to butt out of stories written by female authors to keep from crapping their male gaze all over the female perspective. Jess caught Jeremy studying him out of the corner of his eye and wondered what the kid was thinking.
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Monday afternoon, Jess snapped his seatbelt in place and put his hands on the wheel, feeling a little apprehensive. They were taking his Mazda to Liz and TJ's house so that he, Luke and April wouldn't be squished in Luke's truck. Jeremy had opted to stay with Lorelai and Rory, who had sucked him into a marathon viewing session of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The boy hadn't actually vocalized his resistance, but he had looked so reluctant to get off the couch when Luke had announced they were leaving that Jess had told him that he was fine with him missing this if he wanted to hang out at the house instead. He understood if the kid needed some downtime to watch TV, and he had been a little relieved to not have to introduce Jeremy to Liz and TJ. He didn't trust them not to say something thoughtless and offensive about Jeremy being a foster kid or having lost his parents. His relationship with his mother had improved significantly over the years, and he had even gotten to the point where he could see the good side to TJ and acknowledge that the man made Liz happy. Liz hadn't relapsed once since they had gotten married, the longest period she had gone without substance abuse problems in Jess' life. That had to say something for TJ and their marriage. He could appreciate that they were both well-meaning, if odd, parents to his half-sister, Doula. But, none of that meant that Jeremy would be safe from insensitive comments, prying questions, or careless judgements. But, now Jess was having second thoughts about leaving Jeremy with Lorelai and Rory instead.
He turned to Luke in the passenger seat as he started the car. "Your wife better not say anything stupid to Jeremy."
"Who? Lorelai?" Luke asked absently as he inspected the navigation system in Jess' car.
"No, Luke, Cindy freakin Crawford. How many wives do you have?"
April barked out a laugh from the back seat, and Luke looked at Jess now, as his nephew steered the car onto the road. "What are you talking about? What are you worried about Lorelai saying?"
"Relax, Jess." April said. "Just because you and Lorelai don't get along, doesn't mean she's going to be a jerk to Jeremy. You two have your own special mutual animosity thing going on, but she's actually nice to most people."
Luke was frowning now. "Yeah, Jess. They'll be fine. Lorelai isn't going to say anything stupid to him."
Jess thought back to the night a decade and a half ago, when he had been new to Stars Hollow and Luke had taken him to Lorelai's for dinner and she had tried to give him unsolicited life advice, telling him how lucky he was to be living with Luke. He remembered bristling at the term lucky, with a father who had walked out when he was a born and a mother who had spent most of his childhood drunk or high and prioritizing men over her own son. He realized now that he had never told Luke about that conversation.
"Yeah? Really? That's what you think, huh?" Jess huffed out a breath. "That hasn't been my experience with Lorelai."
Luke sighed. "What are you talking about, Jess?"
"She said a bunch of stupid shit to me when I was his age. That night you took me to dinner at her house, when I first got here and she didn't know me at all. She told me what a great guy you were and how lucky I was to have you in my life and to get to live with you."
April laughed. "If you're worried about Lorelai telling Jeremy what a great guy you are and how lucky he is to have you, you can rest easy, cause that is not gonna happen!"
Luke was frowning now. "I know. She told me about your conversation after you left her house that night. I told her she shouldn't have been talking to you like that. We got in a fight about it actually."
April was leaning forward now from the backseat. "Seriously? You guys never get in fights."
"That was our first real one." Luke paused. "Our second one was over Jess, too." Luke's voice was serious. "When he crashed Rory's car, and Lorelai wanted to find him and yell at him for it. She blamed me, too, telling me it was my fault for taking Jess in and bringing him into Rory's life to begin with. That was a bad one. We didn't speak for months. I didn't even know if Jess was hurt from the accident and here's Lorelai in my face wanting me to tell her where Jess is so that she can get in his face about it, too. I kind of lost it on her that night."
Jess glanced at Luke. "I didn't know that you got in fights with her over me." He felt a little guilty at the idea that he had caused problems for Luke with someone his uncle cared about as much as Lorelai, but he also kind of liked the idea of Luke sticking up for him to her. He wished he had known about it at the time. He might have let his guard down with Luke a little sooner.
"Those two were the only major ones. And the one that night at dinner only lasted a few days."
Jess knew he shared some of the blame for those fights, and for making Luke's life more difficult in general. The car crash had been a complete accident, but he knew his attitude that night at dinner, or in general really, for the first few months he had been in Stars Hollow, hadn't made things easier on Luke. But, he still wanted to make his point.
"It's not that I don't consider myself lucky to have had you, Luke. But, no kid who isn't living in a happy loving home with their parents should be told they're lucky. Even if they end up in one, like I did with you, like I hope Jeremy thinks he has with me, they still have to go through a lot more pain and shit to get there than the kids who were just born into those kinds of families. That's not lucky."
Jess studied Luke out of the corner of his eye for a reaction as he drove. The man nodded solemnly. "I know. You're right. I think Lorelai has grown a lot since then, Jess. I really don't think she'll say anything that thoughtless to Jeremy." Luke paused. "We, uh…...we kind of had a conversation about it before you guys got here. Just about being extra sensitive and not asking Jeremy personal stuff about his family or his past, nothing that would be upsetting for him. She gets it."
Jess stole another glance at his uncle. The man looked serious and almost apologetic, and Jess worried he had offended him. "I do appreciate that I had you, Luke. I want you to know that. I look at Jeremy and I think about how much harder his childhood's been than mine. He hasn't had anyone for most of his life. I don't want you to think I'm not grateful for the time that I spent living with you. I am. It just wasn't Lorelai's place to decide I was lucky. She didn't know anything about me."
"Thanks, Jess. And, I get it. I do. And, just so you know, I always felt grateful to have you, too. I'm sorry you had to go through the crap with your mom that you did, but I'm glad you ended up with me."
"Aww, you guys are having such a cute moment!"
"Hey, April, you wanna walk the rest of the way to Liz and TJ's?" Jess threatened with no real heat.
April laughed. "Did you and Lorelai ever get in fights about me, Dad?"
Luke smiled. "Only our biggest fight ever. The one that ended our first engagement." He turned to look incredulously at his daughter. "Have I really never told you about that?"
"No! What? Tell me." Jess could hear the eagerness in April's voice. He knew what story was coming.
"Well, when I first found out that I had this amazing eleven-year old whiz-kid daughter." Jess relaxed as he listened to Luke's voice shift into storytelling mode. " I was a little, I don't know, nervous or scared, I guess, to tell Lorelai about you, so for the longest time I just kind of….didn't. And then, one day you were visiting me at the diner-"
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Jess was trying to temper his annoyance as he pulled his car into Lorelai's driveway and parked behind her Jeep. He always got a little irritable after visiting Liz and TJ, but he wanted to shake off his negative energy now and not bring it inside to Jeremy. He knew they didn't have bad intentions, but they always managed to set him off about something. Today, it had been about Jeremy, as Jess had suspected it would be. After he had listened to Liz and TJ describe their latest ordeal with the produce cult and April had told them stories about her summer in Alaska, Liz had started in on Jess about having a kid, telling him there was nothing like it, and if he wanted one, he should find a nice girl and have one of his own, not adopt some teenager with a bunch of baggage. Adoption was a nice thing to do, she had said, if you couldn't have your own kids, but it wasn't the same. It was a last resort. He should have a baby of his own while he still can. Jess had tried not to seethe, had repeated the internal mantra that often helped him deal with his mother without losing his temper, that she means well, she can't help it if she's a thoughtless idiot. He bit back the urge to tell her that she didn't know what she was talking about. That he might not love Jeremy like he was his yet, but he cared about him enough already to know that he would never prioritize alcohol or pot over him or let a string of worthless boyfriends and husbands verbally and physically abuse him, which was more than some biological parents could say. Instead, he tried to calmly point out that only a parent who had done both, adopted and had a biological child, was qualified to compare the two. Liz had gotten the hint and laid off about it for a while, returning to the topic of Jeremy later to innocently ask why Jess hadn't brought the boy along so that they could meet him.
"You ok, Jess?" April asked from the passenger seat. Luke had asked to get dropped off at the diner. Taylor had called while they were at Liz and TJ's about a leaking pipe in the kitchen of the soda shop and Luke wanted to see if he could fix it before he called a plumber. He said it should be quick and then he would head back over to the house.
Jess turned the car off and tried to relax his posture. "Yeah, i'm all right. They just drive me a little nuts every time I see them."
"I can understand that. I mean, they don't bother me as much, but I get that it's different for you. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have had Liz for a mother." April winced. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
Jess smiled at his cousin. "It's ok, April. It's very nice of you that you still visit them."
"Dad likes me to go over there with him whenever I'm in town. It seems to make him happy, and it's not like he asks for a lot, so…" April shrugged.
Jess nodded. "You're a pretty good, kid, April Nardini."
April smiled. "I know. You're not too bad yourself."
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Jess walked through the kitchen, noting the two Doose's Market paper bags standing up on the table, and entered the living room ahead of April. The general scene was much the same as they had left it. Rory sitting on one end of the couch, Pop-Tart in hand, feet up on the coffee table, Lorelai at the other end with her legs folded up beside her, Jeremy sitting on the floor, leaning against Lorelai's arm of the couch, one hand petting Paul Anka who was lying beside him, and snacks everywhere. Jess saw a plate holding two slices of pizza competing for space on the table with a box of Pop-Tarts, a box of Cheez-Its, a bowl of gummy bears, an open sleeve of Chips Ahoy cookies and another one of saltines, and surprisingly, a plate of celery sticks and apple slices sitting next to a large, family size jar of peanut butter, the cover off and the handle of a butter knife protruding from the plastic container. Jess' heart raced and he took a quick step forward, his eyes snapping to Jeremy's face, registering the boy's shock, his jaw stopping in motion mid-chew, the slice of apple held in his hand, slathered in peanut butter with a bite already taken, and the shame and apprehension on the boy's face. Good, Jess thought. Let him feel guilty. Let him feel like shit. That would make two of them.
"Hey guys? How are Liz and TJ?" Lorelai asked. "Where's Luke? Did he stay over there?"
"Uh, Jess-" Jess remembered April standing next to him then, felt her tugging on his arm to get his attention. He was a little confused and a whole lot pissed, but he didn't want to make a big deal out of this and publicly embarrass Jeremy.
"It's fine, April." He cut her off quickly, voice low.
"But-"
"Liz and TJ are, well, Liz and TJ." Jess spoke louder than was necessary, with fake cheer, wanting to drown out April in case she kept talking. "Luke went over to the diner to take a look at a leaky pipe. Taylor called him about it while we were out. But, hey, you guys are still watching your show! We don't want to get in the way of that, so we'll just go outside until it's over."
Jess saw Rory studying him with a puzzled expression on her face, like she was trying to figure out a particularly challenging logic problem, and he felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny. He knew he was being a spaz, but he didn't seem to be capable of acting normally at the moment. "It's seven seasons long." She said nonchalantly. "It could take a while."
"We'll go for a walk or something." Jess had his hand around April's bicep and started pushing her ahead of him toward the kitchen.
"Ow, Jess!" April jerked her arm out of his grasp, and he put a hand on her back, careful to be gentler this time, as he kept her moving out of the room.
He heard Lorelai call after them, with amusement in her voice. "You kids play nice, now! Don't make me come in there!"
Jess took one last look at his foster son as he walked out of the room, glad that at least Jeremy had the decency to be ashamed of himself. The kid was hanging his head, avoiding eye contact, a red flush rising on his cheeks, his overall appearance that of a child who had just been slapped. And Jess was ok with that.