Chapter 7 Notes: Wrapping things up in Stars Hollow. Thanks for all the kind reviews you guys have been leaving me. They make it much easier to justify how much time I've been spending on this story! :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls
Jeremy bent his legs, hugging his knees close to his chest, instinctively curling into a protective ball, feeling exposed, stupid and worthless. He couldn't believe he had ruined everything over something so ridiculous and petty. Jess had to be so pissed at him. The look on Jess' face when he realized he had lied had been awful. The man had looked angry, hurt and betrayed, all at once. Jeremy didn't blame him. What kind of asshole lies about having a potentially deadly allergy? He had felt sick to his stomach about it for days after telling the lie. He could still remember how he had felt that morning, hurt that Jess seemed to have forgotten about him again and scared that it wasn't going to work out, that he was getting his hopes up like an idiot, just to be disappointed again. That Jess didn't really get what Jeremy needed or what having a kid really meant. He remembered feeling so deeply hurt and emotionally raw and not realizing until much later that a lot of that feeling had been triggered from old disappointments in previous placements, rather than just from what Jess had done.
He still couldn't quite work out how his hurt and fear has transmuted into a lie about a peanut allergy. He remembered feeling so scared and uncertain, terrified that something as minor as Jess oversleeping and missing his school enrollment or leaving before he woke up without leaving him a note were indications that Jess wasn't serious about him, that their relationship wouldn't last into adulthood for Jeremy. He remembered feeling the same fear he had been trying to escape from for most of his life, the fear of being all alone in the world. Then Jess had come bouncing in from his run like everything was fine and dandy, going on about runner's highs and his special peanut butter protein shake and Jeremy had wanted to punish him for it, to get back at him for getting to be so carefree when Jeremy's life felt so difficult and hopeless. He had wanted Jess to want him. To want to be his dad and be in his life forever. And when he had woken up to find Jess gone, he had been overwhelmed with the irrational certainty that what he wanted was never going to happen. It had felt like Jess had taken something from him. And he had wanted to take something from Jess, too.
It felt so stupid now. And childish. He had instantly regretted the lie, the guilt churning in his stomach as he watched Jess throw out his expensive-looking blender and scrub his kitchen from top to bottom, intensifying when Jess had apologized to him for the incident and tried to reassure him that everything was going to be ok. He had tried to push it down and not think about it, but the guilt had resurfaced when Jess had told his principal about the allergy and when he had seen the sign on the door of Luke's diner. He knew it was messed up and that it probably made him a bad person, but despite all the guilt eating away at his insides, he had still, on some level, enjoyed the care the lie had brought him. He loved that Jess had been making his lunch for school every day. He had never had that kind of care before, like he was special enough to Jess for him to go to all that trouble for Jeremy, insisting on continuing to make his lunch even after Jeremy told him he could do it himself, that he didn't want to put Jess out. He could still picture Jess standing at the counter, warm smile on his face as he scooped quinoa salad into a plastic container, telling Jeremy that he didn't mind, that he liked doing it, that making his kid's lunch was part of the job he signed up for, that Jeremy would have his whole adult life to cook for himself he didn't need to start now.
And Jeremy would never do something like that now. In the month he had been with Jess, he had come to realize that there was potential here. He had started to see a chance for them. For Jess to stay in his life and be as close as he would get to a forever family, even if he never officially adopted Jeremy. He would never risk what he had with Jess now just to lash out and vent his hurt feelings.
But, he knew it was likely too late for his change in perspective to matter. He had lied. For a whole month. About something important that had caused Jess stress and extra work. He knew this could very well be a deal breaker for Jess. That the worst-case scenario would involve Jess placing a call to Ms. Garcia and Jeremy being moved within a couple of days, back to the group home, where he had zero chance of ending up with a forever family before he turned eighteen in a couple of months. The best-case scenario involved finding out what his foster father's idea of punishment was, always an intimidating prospect in a new placement, especially when he had done something this bad. Jeremy wouldn't care if he was grounded forever, it wasn't like he had any friends to go out with anyway. He wouldn't report Jess if he hit him. He would take whatever punishment Jess wanted to give him gladly if it meant he got a second chance. Jeremy's mind went to Winston then, as the realization hit him that even if Jess did decide to keep Jeremy, he may no longer be in the mood to reward him with a dog. The idea that his lie might be a deal breaker for Winston made Jeremy feel nauseous with guilt. He wanted to throw up. He felt his eyes starting to well and tried to blink back the wetness, focusing on the TV screen, hoping Lorelai and Rory wouldn't notice anything was wrong.
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About half an episode of Buffy later, Jess came back into the living room, April a few feet behind him looking as miserable as Jeremy felt. He knew that she knew, too, and it made him feel even more ashamed. Jess' expression was unreadable to Jeremy, but when he spoke, his voice sounded relatively normal, if not exactly warm and friendly. "All right, Jeremy, I think it's time for us to hit the road. You about ready?"
Jeremy got to his feet instantly, nodding his head, not wanting to make things worse by making Jess wait.
"What, you're bailing on us now?" Lorelai scoffed light-heartedly. "We still have six and a half more seasons to get through."
"Kids today." Rory joined in with a smile. "No stick-to-itiveness. It's a disgrace!"
Lorelai was on her feet pulling Jeremy into a quick hug. The feeling of Lorelai's arms around him felt like more than Jeremy could take. He had wanted this kind of affection for so long, but he knew he didn't deserve it now. She just didn't realize what an awful thing he had done, what a terrible person he was. "It was great to meet you, Jeremy. Don't be a stranger. Make Jess bring you back here soon, ok."
He nodded as she released him. "Thanks for having me. And thanks for letting me crash your Buffy marathon. I had a lot of fun."
"Aw, so did we sweetie. You're welcome to crash our TV marathons anytime."
Rory was reaching out an arm in front of her, a smile on her face. "I want hugs, too! Don't make the pregnant woman get off the couch."
Jeremy smiled and walked over to Rory, bending down to hug her. "It was great to meet you, Rory."
"You, too, Jeremy. I'm so glad you're a part of the family now." Jeremy pulled himself back up, sad to be leaving, and not just because of what awaited him with Jess. Lorelai and Rory were different when Jess wasn't around, there was no tension and they were funny and kind. And their relationship was amazing. They seemed to always be in sync. He had really enjoyed being around them today.
Jeremy turned to say goodbye to Paul Anka, but the dog had already disappeared. Lorelai followed his gaze. "Sorry, kid, you snooze you lose! Paul Anka budgets a very limited amount of time for socialization into his day."
Jeremy forced out a breath of air, a pathetic attempt at a half-laugh, wanting to acknowledge Lorelai's joke, but not having a real laugh in him. Lorelai was addressing Jess now. "It was nice to see you, Jess."
Jeremy watched as Jess turned his attention to his aunt several feet away, neither one making any effort to close the gap between them for their goodbye. "You too, Lorelai." Jess' voice was flat, emotionless.
"You're going to go by the diner on your way out, right? Luke will want to say goodbye."
Jess nodded, annoyance coloring his voice. "I know he will. I was planning on it."
"Ok, well drive safe then." She raised her hand in a small wave.
"I will. Bye Rory." Jeremy watched Jess' face, trying to find a clue as to what he could expect when they were alone. He was grateful that Jess hadn't laid into him about what he had done in front of his whole family. Jeremy didn't think he would have survived that kind of humiliation in front of people who had been so nice to him and so welcoming this weekend.
"Bye Jess." Rory said. "It was nice to see you. I really mean that."
"You too. Send me a baby pic, ok?"
Rory smiled. "You just try to stop me, mister." Jess responded with a smile of his own, small but authentic, and Jeremy felt like maybe things would be ok, maybe he would have a chance with Jess.
April walked them to the car and hugged each of them goodbye. "It was great to meet you, Jeremy."
"You too, April."
"I'm really glad Jess has you. I think you're just what he needs. I hated thinking about him in Philadelphia all by himself and alone."
Jeremy wasn't sure how to respond to that. He felt like April's comment might have been an attempt to convince Jess not to dump Jeremy's lifeless body somewhere on the side of the road during the drive back to Philadelphia.
Jess barked out a laugh, loud and genuine, and Jeremy felt the tension in his gut release slightly, maybe Jess wasn't as angry as he had thought. Maybe they would survive this. "You are so dramatic, April. And, you're all alone in Boston, too, so don't throw stones."
April shrugged. "I know. But, I can handle it better. Girls are tougher than boys. It's basic biology."
"You are so full of shit. Did you learn that from your little Arctic duck friends?"
"The king eider just confirmed what I've always known. Plus, I'm young. I'm supposed to be alone. But, a man your age….that's an infinitely sadder situation." She shook her head slowly, as if wondering just where Jess had gone wrong.
"You're such a little shit." Jess smiled and hugged April again, pulling her to his chest and dropping a kiss on the top of her head, telling her in a low voice that Jeremy was sure was meant just for April, that it was going to be fine, before releasing her with a gentle push. "You're lucky I like you, kid."
Jeremy and Jess got in the car, April waving as Jess backed out of the driveway, a concerned expression on her face, Jeremy raised a hand to her, hoping to convey his gratitude that she had sent Jess off in a better mood.
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Jeremy sat quietly in the car, staring straight ahead, afraid to make eye contact, stomach clenching with nerves, waiting for Jess to say something, for yelling or accusations, but none came. Jeremy glanced at his foster father from the side of his eye, not wanting to draw attention to himself. Jess was focused on the road, his expression serious, his mouth set in a firm line, all the amusement from his goodbye with April gone from his face. Maybe he was waiting for Jeremy to go first and apologize. Jeremy took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I know you're pissed-"
"Not now, Jeremy." Jess sighed. It didn't sound angry as much as tired, fed up, like Jess didn't want to deal with Jeremy or listen to him. "We need to go by the diner to grab our bags and say goodbye to Luke. I don't want to get into this until after that. When we have time to really get into it."
Jeremy swallowed and nodded his head, not liking the sound of that.
Jess sighed, and when he spoke his voice had kindness in it. "We do need to talk about this, Jeremy, but it's not the end of the world. Everything is going to be ok."
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Luke and Taylor were standing on the sidewalk talking as Jess parked in front of the diner, or more accurately, Taylor was talking and Luke was nodding along, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else. Jess could hear Luke trying to excuse himself from Taylor as he spotted his nephew, but apparently Taylor wasn't having it, and he headed over with Luke.
"Hey, you guys heading out now?" Luke asked.
"Yeah." Jess nodded. "We just wanted to stop in and say goodbye before we hit the road. We have to run up and grab our stuff, too."
"Hello, Jess." Taylor said.
"Hi Taylor."
"And who is this young man, Luke?" Taylor was looking at Jeremy now. Jess wanted to run up and get their stuff to get away from Taylor. He really wasn't in the mood for nosy townspeople right now, but he didn't want to leave Jeremy with Taylor. The kid didn't deserve that, no matter how much he had pissed Jess off.
Luke spoke with the biggest smile Jess had ever seen him wear in Taylor's presence. "This is my great-nephew, Jeremy Cooper. Jeremy, this is Taylor Doose."
"Your great-nephew?" Taylor asked in that way he had of talking that always got on Jess' nerves, with exaggerated surprise and extra infection at the end, as if he thought it lent gravitas to the nonsense he was usually spouting.
"Yep. Jess' boy."
"Jess' boy? Well!"
"Taylor, are you just going to repeat everything Luke says?" Jess snapped.
Just as Taylor was giving Jess his best judgemental look, Jeremy thrust out his hand to shake. "Hi, it's nice to meet you."
Taylor look impressed as he shook the boy's hand. "Well, it's very nice to meet you, too, young man. It's always encouraging to see a young person with such good manners." He looked at Jess out of the corner of his eye. "You clearly didn't get them from your father."
"All right then. We'll see you around, Taylor. We really need to get on the road." Jess turned to his foster son. "C'mon Jeremy."
Luke and Jeremy followed Jess into the diner and Luke veered off behind the counter. "Hey, you guys go on up and grab your stuff. I'm going to throw together some snacks for you to take on the road. All vegetarian and peanut-free."
Jess watched Jeremy blanch at the reminder of the lie he had been caught in. He realized with surprise that he was no longer angry enough to feel satisfaction at the kid's guilt. If anything his instinct was to comfort the miserable boy next to him. "Thanks, Luke." Jess knew he would tell Luke the truth about the peanut allergy later, privately, but now was not the right time. He squeezed Jeremy's shoulder lightly as he walked past the boy to the stairs, Jeremy falling in step behind him.
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Luke had walked them out to car, carrying a bag full of takeout containers. "You do know it's only about a four hour drive, right?" Jess asked as Luke handed him the bag.
Luke chuckled. "I know. I just want you guys to have stuff in case you get hungry."
"Thank you. And thanks for having us, Luke." Jess smiled at his uncle. "It was great to see you."
Luke laughed. "Thanks for having you? C'mon, you're not guests. You're family. You guys are welcome here anytime. I loved having you guys here this weekend."
Jess knew that was true and felt a pang of sadness that Jeremy hadn't had this in his life for so long, family that genuinely wanted to spend time with him more than they wanted to do anything else. Luke made Jess feel more loved and valued than anyone else ever had. And Jess wanted to do the same for Jeremy. He felt an eagerness to get in the car and smooth over this whole peanut allergy situation with the kid, and let him know that he still had Jess, that Jess wasn't going to stop caring about him no matter how badly he had behaved.
He nodded at his uncle. "I had a great weekend. See you at Thanksgiving?"
"Absolutely! They'll be a baby by then. I'd love it if you guys could be here for that."
Jess nodded. "We'll do our best." He leaned in to hug his uncle.
Luke pulled back from the hug and turned to Jeremy with a smile. "It was great to meet you, Jeremy. I'm really glad Jess brought you out here."
"Me, too. I had a great time this weekend. Thanks for everything."
Luke wrapped the boy in a hug. Jess watched his foster son cling onto his uncle, a handful of flannel shirt clenched in his hand. His eyes tightly shut. When Luke released him, Jeremy's eyes were damp.
"You ok, Jeremy?" Luke asked, concern on his face as he looked at the boy closely.
Jeremy nodded, averting his eyes for a second. "Yeah, I'm good. Thanks for letting me hang out with you this weekend. I really appreciate it." Jeremy paused. "I really liked it."
Luke nodded. Jess could tell from the look on his uncle's face that he knew the boy wasn't ok, but he didn't want call him out on it. "I liked it, too. We can work on another project when you're here at Thanksgiving if you want. We can find a beginner level woodworking design and I can show you how to make something from start to finish, if you're interested."
Jeremy nodded, small smile on his face. "That would be great. I would love that."
Luke rested a hand on Jeremy's shoulder and squeezed gently. "You guys drive safe." He kept his eyes on Jeremy, smiling at the boy as he addressed his nephew. "And you take good care of my great-nephew, you hear me, Jess?"
Jess nodded. "I will. I'll call you soon."
Jess put his duffel and the bag of takeout in the backseat and got into the car. He watched Jeremy do the same, taking in the boy's defeated posture and sad eyes. It hit Jess that he would be terrible at tough love. Jeremy had lied to him for a month about something serious, but all Jess could think about now, was reassuring the boy that everything was going to be ok.
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Jess waited until they were out of the center of town, driving through the wooded area at the outskirts of Stars Hollow, near the WalMart he used to work at. He felt much calmer and more ready to have this conversation now than he had even just half hour ago. When he had first seen Jeremy eating the apple with peanut butter, he had been pretty angry. He had pushed April through the kitchen and out onto the porch and vented to her about how Jeremy had lied to his face about this and had kept that lie up for an entire month. About how scared he had been when Jeremy told him, standing in the kitchen with an open container of peanut butter, petrified of causing the boy serious harm. He had bitched about Lorelai, too. She hadn't known that the allergy wasn't real and still served up a jar of peanut butter to his kid, seriously, she could have killed him. April had tried to talk him down, suggesting that maybe it had been a misunderstanding, but once Jeremy was trapped in the lie he had felt too embarrassed to get himself out of it. She had sort of defended her step-mother, admitting that Lorelai had probably forgotten about the allergy, because she was positive that her dad would have warned her about it, but claiming that that was just how Lorelai and Rory were when they were together, they kind of danced to their own beat and lost track of other people. But April knew Lorelai hadn't meant any harm and if it had been a real allergy, Jeremy would have spoken up, nothing would have happened. Jess knew it hadn't been a misunderstanding. It was a lie, and it hurt.
Jess took a deep breath and made a point of keeping his voice even, the volume normal. "Ok, Jeremy, I think we should talk about this." He glanced at his foster son, who lifted his head to look at him, eyes damp and red.
"I'm sorry, Jess. I'm so sorry."
"Thank you for that. I appreciate the apology. I can tell you feel guilty about what happened. What I don't understand is why you lied about it to begin with. You did lie, right? Just to be clear, you aren't allergic to peanuts, right?"
The boy nodded, head hanging slightly, eyes down. "Right. I'm not."
"Ok. So, why did you tell me you were? I really want to understand what happened here, Jeremy."
The boy shrugged, eyes still in his lap. "I don't really know. I…" The boy's voice cracked on the last word and Jess could feel his heart clench a little in sympathy. Jess watched a tear run down the boy's cheek and get quickly wiped away. He knew from experience how much it sucked to be held accountable for shitty past behavior. His mind flashed to his conversation with Jeremy in the boy's bedroom, of himself explaining that Luke had taken him back after California without making him apologize. How Jess had come back to get his car still acting like a punk and Luke had accepted him back and put a roof over his head to keep him from spending a cold night in his car, and they had moved on. He pulled the car over to the side of the dirt road. The boy looked up in surprise, his eyes big with a level of fear and apprehension that Jess never wanted Jeremy to feel toward him.
"Look, Jeremy-"
"Please, Jess." He sounded desperate. The tears started falling for real now. Jeremy brushed at his face with the backs of his hands.
"Jeremy, listen to me-"
"I don't know why I did it. I really don't. I didn't really know you back then. I guess I was scared of getting attached to you and I wanted to push you away. I wasn't really thinking. I would never lie to you now. I swear." Jeremy was shaking his head quickly from side to side.
"Jeremy, it's-"
"Please! Please, if you give me a second chance, I won't ever do anything like this again! I promise! I'm so sorry." Jeremy was getting himself worked up now, his crying closing in on real sobbing.
"Hey, c'mon, Jeremy-" Jess spoke softly, putting his hands on both of Jeremy's shoulders, trying to help center the boy.
"You can do whatever you want to me, Jess. I know I deserve it. I didn't mean to ruin everything. It was so stupid! I know I shouldn't have done it. And I felt so bad, but I didn't know how to tell you that I lied."
"Jeremy, you didn't ruin-."
The boy was hysterical now, sobbing and hiccuping. "I'm so sorry! You can punish me however you want for this. Ground me forever, make me do all the chores. I'll do anything. And, I promise, I won't say anything to Ms. Garcia if I get hit. I won't tell anyone."
"If you get hit?" Jess gave the boy a slight shake, freaked himself about how quickly this conversation had escalated out of his control. He had been ready to have a calm conversation about what happened with his almost adult foster son and now he felt like he was trying to calm an out of control small child. "Look at me, Jeremy." He waited for the boy to make eye contact as he sobbed. "You're not getting hit, ok? Don't say that. I would never hit you."
"I don't care if you do. I'd rather get hit than have you get rid of me. I really like living with you, and I really like your family. And I don't have anyone else. You're my last chance to have a family." The sobbing and hiccuping intensified. The boy was getting hysterical now, and Jess knew he needed to do something. "If you get rid of me, I won't have anyone. I'll be all alone."
Jess had a flash to standing on the Venice boardwalk, face to face with Jimmy, begging not to be put out by his own father, telling the man he had nothing and no one. Jess knew he had believed it at the time, had honestly felt the desperation that had ultimately earned him a mattress on the floor at Jimmy's for a few nights. But, looking at Jeremy now, Jess could see how much he had had even at that moment. A mother who was far from an ideal or even competent parent, but who was alive and trying to be in his life. And an uncle who would have continued to care and provide for him if he would have just swallowed his pride and agreed to redo his senior year. Jeremy was right about his own claim, though. The kid really didn't have anyone. He was turning eighteen in two months and he had no fallback family if it didn't work out here with Jess. This was it for him. His last chance. This had to work. Jess got that now. He wanted to do this right.
He turned off the car and got out, walking quickly over to the passenger side and opening Jeremy's door. "C'mere, Jeremy. Get out of the car."
The boy's crying had subsided slightly with his surprise at Jess' actions. He looked nervous as he stepped out onto the shoulder of the dirt road. Jess immediately pulled the boy to his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around Jeremy's back, cupping the back of his head with his palm. "You're not alone." He listened to the sounds of Jeremy crying, quietly now, into his shoulder, felt the wetness of the kid's tears through his t-shirt. "You're not alone."
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Jess waited, holding the boy until he was done crying, letting Jeremy be the one to pull away first. When the kid finally did, he was a mess, red-faced, tear stained and sniffling. He was looking down at the ground in front of him. "You ok?" Jess knew it was a stupid question, but he wasn't sure what else to say.
Jeremy nodded.
Jess thought about why he had gone through with fostering on his own to begin with, how he had wanted to prove to himself and everybody else that he could do something hard. It felt like do or die time. "Jeremy, I've done some thinking about the future, for me and you. I don't want you to think I haven't. It just…it always felt too soon to bring it up, since you've only been with me a month."
"I get it, Jess. It's fine. I'm sorry for this, for having a meltdown on you like this."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Jeremy. I don't mind if you melt down on me. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I want to be there for you. I want to be the person you melt down on, when you need to."
Jeremy looked at Jess now, his expression skeptical. He sniffed. "What do you mean?"
"I mean. I want to be the person who's here for you for whatever you need, especially the tough stuff. For as long as you want me to be. I feel like everything is still kind of new for me, but I really like you, Jeremy. My whole family likes you. You're a great kid and I really like having you live with me." Jess heard himself repeating the word 'like' and felt lame. He had envisioned himself telling Jeremy that he loved him when they eventually had this conversation, but he didn't feel like he was there yet, and he wanted to be honest. But it left him feeling as though he was delivering the mother of all half-assed marriage proposals. "I didn't realize how much this was weighing on you. And I should have. It probably makes me an idiot that I didn't. You turn eighteen in December and you want to be able to count on having someone that will stick with you after you age out of foster care. I get it. And I want to be that person for you."
Silent tears were streaking down Jeremy's face.
"I guess this is me letting you know that I want you in my life even when you're no longer in foster care. Even after you've turned eighteen and finished high school. I want you to be my kid forever. I want to share everyone in my family with you. And I'm up for making it official if you want to. But, no pressure if you don't. It's totally up to you."
"Official, like you would adopt me?" Jeremy's voice was barely audible on the last two words.
Jess nodded. "Yeah, like that. Like I would adopt you…...If you want."
Jeremy nodded, his expression solemn. "I definitely want. That's all I've wanted for so long. Are you sure?"
Jess managed to ignore the nervous sounding 'I think so' that immediately popped into his mind, replacing it with something he hoped sounded more convincing. "Yes, I'm sure, Jeremy. This is a big deal for me, too. I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't sure." Jess chuckled. "I don't exactly run around offering to adopt kids left and right, you know. Do I look like Brad Pitt to you?"
Jeremy smiled. "Thanks, Jess. This is really…..just thanks. This is the best thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you so much. Seriously."
Jess had always pictured this conversation involving more excitement. Spontaneous hugging and 'I love you's,' and not as many formal 'thank you's.' This felt kind of anti-climactic to Jess. He hoped he was making the right decision here, that he wasn't rushing into something for the wrong reasons, again. He really did care about Jeremy, though. He knew that much was true. "I know we just hugged and everything, but I kind of feel like maybe we should do it again, now. A more celebratory hug this time. What do you say?" Jess smiled.
Jeremy nodded, a smile on his still flushed face, his eyes puffy and red. "Sure." They closed the distance between them and leaned into a quick embrace, the experience feeling more awkward than their previous hug. Jess attributed that to the time they had to consider and overthink the hug this time around. He made a mental note for next time, to just go right in for the hug like a normal person without trying to be charming or funny and announcing his intention beforehand. Jess did his best to not take the gracelessness of the hug as a bad sign.