Chapter 12 Notes: Some scenes from the rest of Jess and Jeremy's weekend in Stars Hollow. Next chapter they'll be headed back to Philly. I know it's been a while since I posted, but this chapter is extra long to make up for it. Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing my story. I love hearing from you guys. It makes me smile every time I get a review. :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.
Jess and Jeremy didn't get to meet the baby until she woke up from her nap that evening, when dinner was over and Liz and her family had already left. Jess had been grateful for that. He could admit that Liz had been less than offensive with Jeremy, but he still didn't trust her to not make some kind of comment about how Jess should have had a baby, too, instead of adopting. In this case, he wasn't sure if he was looking to protect Jeremy's feelings or his own.
Rory carried the baby into the living down, looking down at the little person in her arms and adjusting the hood on the baby's sleeper. "Here she is." She said softly, looking up with so much warmth in her eyes that it momentarily sent Jess reeling, as thoughts filled his mind, unbidden. A flash of Rory aiming a similar look at him when they'd been teenagers and falling in love, before he has messed everything up. Then a flash of Charisse, the only woman who had ever really loved him as an adult, laying in bed beside him, her face a few inches from his, her brown skin glowing in the soft light from the window, her dark eyes bright with love, long before he had wrecked everything there, too. "Lorelai Gilmore, the third. Well, not technically the third since we each have different middle names, but close enough."
Jess wasn't necessarily comfortable around babies, but he knew how easily people could get offended when he didn't behave enthusiastically enough. And things had been getting better between him and Rory. He could feel the ice thawing this weekend even as the temperatures outside were dropping. He felt like he was capable of moving past the shit from the summer, when she had led him to believe that Paul was the baby's father. He knew she must have had her reasons for keeping the father's identity secret. None of that was his business anyway. And if anything, the way she had misled him about Logan had helped him see where he stood with her. On the outside. Which was fine. He didn't want to get close to her again, but he wanted to be capable of co-existing with his step-cousin, for his own comfort, but also for Luke and Jeremy. He wanted to give Jeremy one big happy family.
He took a step closer, peering down at the baby's face, her blue eyes open and bright even though she had just woken up. "She's amazing, Rory." He had said it because it was what was expected in this kind of situation, but he realized it was also true. She was this whole little incredible living person. And Rory had made her. "Lorelai Gilmore the third, huh? So, does that mean she isn't going by Leelee anymore?"
Rory laughed just as Lorelai and Luke walked in from the kitchen. "Hey, what's wrong with Leelee?" Lorelai asked, her voice playful. "It was good enough for Joan of Arc, wasn't it?"
"What does that even mean? Joan of Arc's name was not Leelee. I'm pretty sure it was Joan." Jess knew he had pronounced Leelee with too much disdain. That he would need to watch himself before he created tension. Lorelai had been trying with him this weekend. He recognized that, appreciated it, and knew he would be a jerk for not reciprocating. Spending time with Liz and TJ always gave him a new perspective on Lorelai. He couldn't imagine how much more of a three-ring circus his family would be if Luke had married someone like Liz instead of Lorelai, who was somewhat grounded in reality, when she wanted to be, at least.
"Not in real life, no." Rory confirmed, nodding with exaggerated seriousness. "It's a long story, but let's just say, Leelee Sobieski has sentimental value to me and my mom."
Lorelai stood beside Rory, leaning in to kiss her granddaughter on the cheek. "It's not that long a story, hon." She turned to Jess and Jeremy. "Rory fangirled Leelee Sobieski like crazy her freshman year of high school after we watched Joan of Arc. See, long story short!" She laughed and made silly faces at the baby, who opened her eyes wider in response.
Jess heard Jeremy laugh, and he held back an eyeroll. He knew it was ridiculous and petty, but it bothered him that his kid thought Lorelai was funny and charming. If he wanted Jeremy to have good family relationships, he knew he had to tolerate her better. And this weekend had been easier than most, with Lorelai in happy grandma mode.
"I did not fangirl her." Rory said. "I was taken by her mesmerizing performance. Inspired by her portrayal of Joan of Arc's selfless heroism." Rory looked down at Leelee. "Right, munchkin. Mommy has good taste, doesn't she?"
"Ah." Jess nodded knowingly. "What's her middle name, Gwen Stefani?"
Rory laughed. "Hey, watch it! If you want to hold her, you better be nice. She doesn't take too kindly to people who pick on her mom, do you Leelee?" Rory smiled down at her daughter again, bouncing her a little in her arms. "And, no, her middle name is Emily. After my grandmother." "If you guys want to hold her, you've got to wash your hands." Rory told them.
"Really?" Jeremy asked. "It's ok if I hold her, too?" Jess could hear the surprised excitement in his foster son's question, and he felt a pang of sadness at the reminder that Jeremy always expected to be excluded. He thought about April's text earlier and Rory and Lorelai including the boy in their Buffy marathon the last time they had visited, and he felt a warm rush of affection for his family, his whole family, for being so welcoming to his foster son.
Jess watched Rory smile at the boy, gently bouncing Leelee. "Of course, it's ok. She's your…...what, first cousin once removed, I think. Or something like that." Rory smiled warmly at the boy as she sat down on the couch. "Go wash your hands and then come sit with us and you can hold her."
Jeremy smiled and nodded and walked into the hall bathroom. Jess could hear the faucet running for a full three minutes before the boy returned. "You scrubbing in for surgery in there, or what?" Jess asked as the boy got situated on the couch.
Jeremy blushed. "I just wanted to make sure my hands were really clean."
Rory scooted closer to Jeremy with the baby. "Don't listen to him, Jeremy. Leelee appreciates fastidious hygiene." Rory instructed Jeremy on how to hold the baby before slowly transferring her into his arms.
"Am I doing this right?" Jeremy asked, his smile faltering for a moment as Rory helped him adjust his arms to cradle the baby. "I've never held a baby before. I don't want to mess up."
"You're doing great, kiddo." Lorelai encouraged warmly from the chair facing the couch. "You're a natural baby-holder."
Jess watched Jeremy holding the baby, the boy's face radiating happiness, and he felt thankful to be able to give Jeremy experiences like this. Jeremy was so appreciative of every kindness from Jess or any of his family in Stars Hollow. As much as Jess hated what Jeremy had had to go through to end up that way, it was one of his favorite things about the boy. It made him so easy to love. The thought gave Jess an instant twinge of guilt.
"Jess." Luke said. "Aren't you going to go wash up? Don't you want to hold her, too?"
"Hmmm…." Jess said. "Uh, yeah, I will. I'm letting Jeremy test it out first. If he makes it through unscathed, with no bodily fluids on his person, I'll give it a try."
"Jess." Luke admonished playfully. "C'mon. How often do you get a chance to hold a new baby like this?"
Not often. Jess knew that. Things hadn't been great between Jess and Liz when Doula was born and he hadn't held her or spent any real time with her until the girl had been much older and already toddling around.
"Aww." Rory looked up from Leelee to Jess. "Jess is afraid of a teeny, tiny baby. That's so cute."
"Stop. I am not. I just feel more comfortable around kids who are toilet trained and have gotten past the spitting up phase." Jess smirked. "Like Jeremy here."
Jeremy laughed, not taking his eyes off Leelee's face. "You should hold her, Jess. This is really cool."
"Maybe later." Jess said. "Right now, I'm enjoying watching you do it."
"I am, too." Luke said, a content smile on his face as he sat perched on the arm of Lorelai's chair. "Oh, hey, that reminds me!" Luke hurried back into the kitchen and returned with his cell phone, playing around on the screen and lining himself up a few feet in front of Jeremy. "I need to get a picture of this."
Rory rolled her eyes, fondly. "I think we could wallpaper the house at this point with all the pictures Luke's taken and she's only a month old."
Luke huffed out a laugh. "Hey, give me a break. How often do I get to see my favorite great-nephew holding my favorite granddaughter like this? This is good stuff. Completely picture-worthy."
"Ok, Jeremy, on the count of three, I want to see you smile." Luke instructed. "1…..2…...3!" Jess watched Jeremy lift his head and face the camera, the grin on his face genuine and joyful. It hit Jess that he didn't have any pictures of Jeremy. He'd have to get Luke to send him a copy.
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Friday morning found Luke, Jeremy and a still sleepy Jess at the Home Depot in Woodbury, shopping for birdhouse materials. Jess sipped from the to-go cup of coffee that he had helped himself to on the way out of the diner. It's not that he couldn't get up early. He could. There was a time in the not so distant past when he would hit the gym by six thirty most mornings to fit in a workout before he had to be in the office. He just didn't see a point in getting up early for this. It wasn't like Home Depot was going to run out of birdhouse-making supplies. Luke had taken one look at him, bleary eyed and yawning when he had come downstairs and laughed, asking Jess if he was sure he wanted to come. Jess had been sure. He wanted to be in on the bonding this time. He knew that Jeremy liked spending time with Luke and he didn't want to infringe upon that. He wanted Jeremy to have his own relationship with his uncle. But the kid had already spent a few hours with the man yesterday in the diner kitchen while Jess had been forced to make small talk with Kirk and Babbette. He didn't want to miss out again today.
They had already spent way too long looking at wood, discussing the different properties and coloring of several types before selecting two planks. Jess was now watching Luke have a teachable moment with Jeremy about screws, as his uncle explained the characteristics of different types and which ones were better for an outdoor project. Jeremy was listening intently, nodding, asking appropriate questions. Jess wondered how interested the kid really was in this, or if he was just faking an interest to spend time with Luke. Jess himself was bored silly. "You guys know that the birdhouse kits we passed on the way in probably come with all the screws you need, right?"
Luke looked up from the screw he was discussing with Jeremy, his expression playful, that of a parent humoring a restless child. "Jess if you bring up those birdhouse kits one more time, you're walking back to Stars Hollow."
Jeremy grinned and Jess held up the hand not holding his coffee cup, palm out. "I'm just sayin'..."
"We're not here to buy a kit, where someone else has already made all the design decisions for us, and pre-cut the wood. What's the point in that? We might as well just buy a finished birdhouse if we're going to do that."
"Hey, there's another idea!" Jess said.
Luke chuckled and shook his head. "Where did I go wrong with you, nephew? We're here to get the materials we need to give Jeremy an education in woodworking. By the time we're done, Jeremy will have developed a foundation of real skills that he can use for the rest of his life and he'll have the satisfaction that comes from building something completely from scratch. Do you think you can get that from a kit?"
"Um, I'm going to guess that's a no based on your tone and the context."
Luke smiled fondly at his nephew and clapped him lightly on the shoulder with the hand not holding the screw. "Good guess. There's hope for you yet." Luke turned back to Jeremy and they refocused their attention on screws. Jess wandered a few feet away, looking at the stock on the shelves. Screws, screws and more screws.
A woman in an orange apron approached Jess. "Hi there! I'm Sue. Is there anything I can help you with today?"
"I'm good. Thanks." Jess lifted his coffee in the direction of his uncle and foster son. "I'm just waiting on these two."
"Ah, I see." She refocused on Luke and Jeremy, a big smile on her face, as she closed the gap between them with a few steps. "May I ask what you gentlemen are working on?"
Jeremy responded, matching her enthusiasm and energy with his own. "We're building a birdhouse."
"Fun! Is this your first project?"
Jeremy nodded. "Yeah, I've never made anything before."
"Well, a birdhouse is a great starter project." She gave the pieces of wood that Jeremy was holding and the screw in Luke's hand a once over. She smiled broadly. "And, it looks like you're in good hands here. I'll leave you gentlemen to it. My name is Sue. If you need anything, don't be shy."
"Thanks, but I think we're good." Luke said. Jess watched as Luke and Jeremy went back to conferring about the screw, and sighed. How much could a person really say about a freaking screw?
The saleswoman paused by Jess as she walked away. "Isn't that cute?" She asked in a lowered voice, with a big smile. "I just love seeing dads and kids in here planning projects together. It makes me remember all the time I spent building stuff with my dad when I was a kid. I really appreciate those memories."
Jess knew Jeremy had heard her. Luke was oblivious, still going on about screws as he reached for another package on the shelf in front of him, but Jess watched Jeremy avert his eyes from his uncle, looking down for a moment, his mouth turning up slightly at the corner, a pink blush rising on his face, a little uncomfortable, but also a little pleased, before he looked back up and resumed nodding along to what Luke was saying.
"Of course." The saleswoman continued. "My first project was a stable for my My Little Pony collection, but I was pretty young, and nothing in the store seemed sparkly enough." She smiled again. "Well, have a good day!"
Jess nodded and got out a "you too" as she walked away. He wondered how this woman had thought he fit into the picture, if Luke and Jeremy were father and son and Jess was clearly waiting for them. Luke's other son? Their driver? Was it that difficult to look at him and think 'dad' and assign Luke to the 'grandpa' role? He watched Luke and Jeremy. Now, Luke was holding the piece of wood and pointing out something on the edge to Jeremy. Jess was happy that Jeremy and Luke had a good connection. He really was. He couldn't imagine how he would deal with it if Luke and Jeremy had a relationship similar to his own with Lorelai. He didn't think he'd be able to withstand the tension between two people he cared about as well as Luke did. He was grateful they got along so well. He just wasn't sure where it left him sometimes. Jess mused on whether he should go hang out in the lumber section since it seemed a more appropriate place to be if he was going to blend into the woodwork like this. He snorted at his own lame joke, and Luke looked up at the sound.
"I'm serious, Jess. One more word about those kits and you better start walking."
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Jeremy walked into the house, safety goggles propped up on his head. He stopped short at the sight of his foster father holding Leelee and slowly pacing in the kitchen. Jess wasn't cradling the baby the way Rory had instructed Jeremy the night before. He looked more comfortable than that. He was holding her upright, her narrow chest against his broad one, her small head resting on his shoulder as she slept, one hand supporting her weight and one on her back, his thumb moving in tiny circles between her shoulder blades. The pair looked peaceful and Jeremy could only describe the look on Jess' face as content.
"Hey." Jess whispered softly. "How's it going out there?"
Jeremy matched Jess' low volume. "Uh, it's good. I'm learning a lot." Jeremy stood still, watching Jess and Leelee.
"Good." Jess smiled at his foster son. "Was there something that you needed?"
"Uh, yeah. Luke sent me in for a light bulb. One of the ones in the garage blew out. He said they're in the hall closet."
Jess stepped aside so that Jeremy could walk past him to the closet, but the boy didn't move. "We were wondering where you went." Jess had left the garage around half an hour ago to use the bathroom and hadn't returned. "What are you doing in here?"
"Gee, Jeremy, I'm whitewashing a fence, can't you tell?" Jess was smiling, but his voice didn't feel as playful as it usually did when he was being sarcastic. Jeremy told himself not to be sensitive, that it was probably harder to pull off in a whisper. He could feel himself frowning, and tried to stop.
"Sorry, I just meant…." Jeremy trailed off, unsure how to finish, feeling like he was intruding. That he should just grab the light bulb and go. He took a step toward the hallway, but stopped when Jess spoke.
Jess smiled warmly. "I know what you meant. I was just teasing you." Jess' voice was low and gentle now. "I'm hanging out with this little thing." Jess tilted his head down toward the baby in his arms. "Lorelai is at the inn and Rory wanted to take a quick shower. So." Jess shrugged the shoulder that didn't have a baby sleeping on it. "Here we are."
"Oh." Jeremy's whisper was barely audible.
"You ok?" Jess was giving him a concerned look now, and Jeremy started to feel self-conscious. "You having fun with Luke?"
"Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I should go get the lightbulb. I don't want to keep him waiting." Jeremy walked past Jess and dug around on the top shelf in the closet where Luke had said the light bulb would be. He knew it shouldn't make him feel bad to see Jess looking so comfortable and happy with Leelee. Babies made people happy. That's just how it was. Jeremy had enjoyed holding her on thanksgiving, too. Luke had already printed out the picture of him holding her and put it up on the fridge next to one of Doula holding Leelee. So, Jeremy had seen his own face and knew how happy holding the baby had made him. It was only natural. There had just been something unsettling about seeing Jess with the kid he probably should have had. Not his cousin's baby, of course, but a baby. A baby who was an age-appropriate child for someone in their early-thirties. A baby that he could bond with from the start and watch grow up over the next several years. Not an almost eighteen year old. Jeremy wondered if Jess wanted to have a baby of his own. He knew Jess had told him that he wasn't planning on fostering any more kids, but a baby was different. Jess probably wanted to get married and have a baby of his own someday. Most people did. Jeremy found the light bulb and shut the closet door softly.
Jess was standing behind him in the hallway, quietly watching him, when Jeremy turned around. The man readjusted his hold to balance the baby in one arm, extending his free hand to Jeremy, cupping the back of the boy's neck and pulling his head down so that he could drop a kiss on the side of Jeremy's head above his ear, careful to not dislodge his safety goggles. "I love you, Jeremy." Jess whispered a few inches from his ear before releasing his hold on the boy.
Jeremy felt a sharp sense of vulnerability, and the familiar and unwanted sting behind his eyes that was always the precursor to him getting emotional. He nodded and did his best to keep his voice quiet and steady. "I love you, too."
Jess reached up and ran a gentle hand over the back of Jeremy's hair, behind the safety glasses, not tousling it as much as just petting the boy's head like he would Winston's, before lowering his hand and returning it to Leelee's back. "I hate that I missed out on knowing you when you were this little. I wish I had gotten to love you your whole life." Something in Jeremy' chest clenched at the words. He wished that, too. They he had gone to live with Jess right after his mother's death. He knew it wasn't a reasonable thought since Jess would have been only twenty when Jeremy was five, but he couldn't help thinking about how differently his life would have turned out if he had spent his childhood with Jess. He watched Jess' warm smile shift into a playful grin. "Plus, it's pretty annoying that I just got a kid and he's already taller than I am."
Jeremy felt a matching smile spreading across his own face. "Sorry, I'll work on that."
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"So, I think I want to start learning ASL, if that's ok." Jeremy was holding Winston's leash and watching the dog sniff at the base of a tree. It was Saturday afternoon and he and Jess were walking back to the diner from Liz and TJ's. They had taken Doula out for ice cream and just walked her back home. It was an unseasonably warm day and they had been able to sit outside with their ice cream so that Winston could come along.
"Yeah?" Jeremy could hear the pleased surprise in Jess' voice.
Jeremy looked up at his foster father. "Yeah. I downloaded an instructional app for it last night. I wanted to learn some stuff before we saw Doula today, but I still couldn't pick up very much of what she said."
Jess nodded. "Well, it's tough. It's a whole new language. But, it'll get easier the more you study it."
"Yeah. You think so?"
"It will." Jess sounded convinced. "It should go without saying, but I'm pretty sure you can learn anything that TJ can learn."
Jeremy huffed out a light laugh. "I hope so. I felt bad when Doula was getting frustrated that I couldn't understand her. And, I was thinking about how much more difficult her life must be, and how she should at least be able to communicate with everyone in her family. And, I mean if you're going to adopt me…." Jeremy trailed off, feeling suddenly insecure. Maybe he was being presumptuous to think Doula would care one way or another if Jeremy could speak to her.
Jeremy looked up to see a small smile on his foster father's face, before Jess finished the thought for him. "You'll be part of her family. Of course you will. And, I really appreciate that you want to be able to understand my little sister. That's really thoughtful of you, Jeremy." Jeremy looked back toward Winston. He could feel himself blushing a little and knew it was stupid. He needed to learn to accept praise like a normal person.
"Do Lorelai and Rory know sign language?" Jeremy asked. At thanksgiving, he had watched Luke, Jess, Liz and TJ communicate fairly easily with Doula through signing, but Rory and Lorelai had seemed to mostly wave and smile at the girl and only made a few signs that looked more like vague hand gestures in her direction.
"They know a few things, but not much. It's my impression that they never studied the language in any serious way. April is the best at it. She learned when she was a teenager and even joined some club for deaf kids at her high school in New Mexico so she could practice. You should see her with Doula. Their hands move so fast. They're laughing at all these inside jokes that everyone else is missing. They have a lot of fun together." Jess paused. "I'm ok at it, but nowhere near as good as April. I don't know if I would even consider myself fluent."
"Really? You guys seemed like you were communicating so well just now."
"We get by. But, did you see how many words she had to spell for me? Every time I see her, now that she's getting older, some signs always come up that I don't recognize and she has to spell them out. I always feel guilty about that. Most ten year olds don't need to work so hard to communicate with their siblings. I should really learn more. It's tough because I only see her and get to use ASL a few times a year, but whenever I do, I feel like I should be doing better."
"Maybe we could practice together at home while I'm learning."
Jess nodded. "We can definitely do that. I think it's really great that you want to learn."
Jeremy shrugged. "Doula's your sister. I want to be able to communicate with everyone who's important to you. And, I know how it feels to be different, like you don't fit, and I don't want to be someone who makes Doula feel like that. I'm sure she gets enough of that in her life without me adding to it."
"You've got a good heart, Jeremy."
Jeremy glanced at Jess and took in the fond expression on his face. Jeremy could feel his cheeks heating again and wished his feelings weren't so readily betrayed by his body. "It's just, like…" He could feel himself floundering, but he wanted to talk to Jess about something that had been on his mind since he had met Doula. "Doula having a…...communication barrier, I guess, with most of the people she meets-. Uh, is that ok to say?"
"Sure, that's fine. I'd say that's accurate."
"It's like, it made me think of this thing. When we turn 16 in foster care, we start working on our ILP, or our Independent Living Plan, for when we age out of the system, right. It's supposed to help get us ready to live on our own. There are all these goals that we're supposed to accomplish." Jeremy glanced toward Jess, who looked slightly puzzled, but was paying close attention. "It's stuff like, graduate high school, get a part-time job, learn to cook a meal. Pretty basic things, I guess. But, the first thing listed on the plan is to develop a life-long relationship with a supportive adult. That's how they word it, just like that. Like developing that kind of relationship is something I can just go out and do and achieve. And, I've always failed at that goal until I met you and your family. And, I'm so grateful that I have you and that I can finally tick off that box."
Jess nodded slowly, his brow furrowed in concentration as he listened. Jeremy knew he had gone off on a tangent and that Jess was likely trying to follow how this tied in with Doula. "Ok. I'm grateful that I have you, too, just for the record."
Jeremy smiled. "Thanks. So, like, Doula made me think about that, because I guess….I don't see it being easy for her to just go out and make friends and develop relationships either."
Jess nodded. "It hasn't been."
"And, I don't want to be someone else that she can't know. I guess I want to be the kind of person for her that they tell us to look for in our ILP. A supportive person that she can know her whole life. If she wants to. Because maybe that's hard for her, too. I mean, I know she has lots of other people already, like her parents, and Luke and you and April, and I'm not saying that I'd be anyone special in her life. But, it's not easy to make supportive, long lasting relationships, maybe for anyone, but especially when you have a whole extra layer of issues piled on. Like I did, and like Doula does. So, I know she already has people in her life like that, but I want to be another one, I guess. Because you can never have too many people who care about you and that you can connect with, right?" Jeremy started to feel self-conscious at how long he had been speaking, and how much he had started to ramble in his attempt to convey his feelings of being somewhat of a kindred-spirit with Doula due to the outsider status of their childhoods. "And, I know you said that she just goes to the regular school and is assigned an interpreter, and that can't be easy…..I don't know. I just don't want to be part of what sucks for her." He paused. "Did that even make any sense at all?"
When Jeremy looked back toward Jess, the man was looking at him thoughtfully, and Jeremy hoped that nothing he had said about Doula's deafness had been offensive. "I think it did." A warm smile spread across Jess' face. "I think Doula would really appreciate it if you learned ASL. We can try to find an actual class when we get to New York if you'd be interested in doing that. That way you could meet other people to practice with, too."
"Ok. Yeah, that would be great. Thank you."
"Thank you, too, Jeremy." Jess was grinning now. "For being such a great kid. I hope I tell you that enough." He reached out a hand and grabbed the top of Jeremy's shoulder, shaking the boy slightly. "You make this parenting thing pretty damn easy. I appreciate that."
Jeremy laughed softly. "Thanks. I try."
Jess pulled back his arm. "And, I know you probably didn't mean it literally, but you said 'if' in regards to the adoption. 'If' I'm adopting you, you'll be in Doula's family."
Jeremy looked up at Jess. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just didn't want to…." Jeremy trailed off.
"We have a date, you and me. December 13. Three weeks away. The adoption is happening. You know that, right? The only thing that could stop it at this point would be if you changed your mind about wanting it." Jess' expression was concerned. "I just don't want you feeling insecure about it and thinking in terms of 'if' ok?"
Jeremy nodded. "OK. Sorry."
Jess let out a comically exaggerated sigh and Jeremy giggled. "Sorry for saying sorry. I know you hate when I do that."
"There's nothing you do that I hate, Jeremy. I just want you to know that on my end, you're already my family. The adoption will just be a formality. And, you have my word that I won't back out of it. Ok? I don't want to back out. There's nothing I want to do more."
Jeremy nodded. "I already think of you as my family, too." Jeremy made sure to keep his tone light and playful, his biggest fear masquerading as a joke. "But, I'm still looking forward to making it official, anyway. So that you'll be legally stuck with me, and it'll be too late to change your mind and get rid of me."
Jeremy knew he hadn't played it off well enough when he saw the way Jess was looking at him, solemn and a little pained. Jeremy knew he had been too transparent. He should have just kept his stupid mouth shut. Jess spoke after a moment, and Jeremy was grateful that he was letting it go. "I'm glad to hear it, Jeremy. I'm looking forward to it, too."
They walked in silence for a while, following Winston's nose as the dog wandered through the town square, tugging at his leash and sniffing at grass and shrubs. Jeremy had one more thing on his mind, and he felt like this was as good a time as any to bring it up. "So, uh….Leelee is pretty great, huh?"
"Yes, she certainly is." Jess was looking at him weirdly again, or more accurately, he was looking at Jeremy as if Jeremy was the one being weird. "Except for that nickname, which is pretty awful."
"Yeah, it is kind of goofy." "So, um, do you think you'll have a baby?"
"What?" Jess looked caught off guard and amused at the same time. "Like, right now? Cause I've got no immediate plans in that area, if that's what you're asking. If I remember junior high health class correctly, I'm pretty sure you need a girl for that, which you may have noticed, I am without at the moment."
Jeremy looked away, out at the buildings surrounding the town square. "I mean ever, I guess. I mean do you want one. Do you want a baby?"
"No." Jess said. "At this moment, I can honestly say that I do not want a baby. I can't guarantee that that won't change, but right now, I don't see myself with a baby."
Jeremy thought back to walking in on Jess with Rory's baby yesterday. "You looked like you were really enjoying holding Leelee yesterday."
"I was." Jess spoke slowly, like he was explaining a concept that should be simple to someone who was simple. "So were you on Thanksgiving."
"Yeah, I know."
"Does that mean I need to start worrying about becoming a grandpa? Or keeping you away from this Melissa girl?"
Jeremy hoped he wasn't blushing again at the mention of his having a baby with Melissa. Jeremy had never gotten anywhere near real sex with a girl and he didn't want his blushing to announce his virgin status to Jess. "No, of course not. I was just wondering."
"Jeremy, if you're looking for a brother or sister, you should know that you might never get one. I mean who knows, maybe I'll start dating after you go off to college and you will get one. But, I wouldn't bank on it, ok?"
"Yeah, I know. That's fine."
"You might have to make do with just the cousins you already have, April, Leelee and…... wow, I just realized that Doula is actually your aunt."
Jeremy scrunched up his face. "That's weird."
"Aunt Doula." Jess drew out the words. "That sounds even more messed up than Aunt Lorelai."
Jeremy laughed lightly.
"Is that why you're asking?" Jess asked carefully. "Do you want a sibling?"
"No, not particularly. I was just wondering….what to expect, I guess…..I don't know."
"Oh."
"What?" Jeremy felt nervous at the look of realization on Jess' face. Were his insecurities that transparent?
"Ah, I see." Jess' voice was playful now and Jeremy knew that whatever was coming next was going to be the opposite of serious. "You heard about the baby I ordered from Amazon to replace you. This is so awkward. I really didn't want you to find out this way."
Jeremy huffed out a laugh. Jess could be so ridiculous sometimes.
"Yeah. It's a baby boy. I'm naming him Jess Jr." Jess' tone was exaggerated nonsense. "He's really cute and he's brand new, so obviously, I'll love him tons more than I love you. My plan was to introduce him into our family slowly over time, while gradually phasing you out at the same time, without you noticing, of course, so that we could avoid the very same awkward conversation that we're currently having. You understand, right? No hard feelings?"
Jeremy smiled in spite of himself. He looked at his foster father, who had turned to face him, grinning ear to ear and holding out his hand as if he expected to shake over sealing their deal. "I take it you're trying to say that you think I'm being stupid?"
"I would never say that." Jess raised his extended hand and placed it gently on Jeremy's shoulder. "But, I am saying that you have nothing to worry about." Jess paused. "I'm not sure if our family will always be just you and me. Maybe I'll have another child. I don't know. I'm only 33 and I like to think I'm not too hard on the eyes, so it could happen." Jess smirked at his own phrasing. "But, you'll always be my first kid, and no matter who else I love in my life, even if I get married tomorrow and have 37 biological children the very next day, I promise that I will never love anyone else more than I love you." Jess was smiling his most charming smile now, the one that had put Jeremy off when he had first met him. He didn't mind it now. He had come to recognize it as the way Jess smiled when he was trying hard to be funny, but feeling insecure about whether he was pulling it off. In its own way, it showed that Jess cared about what Jeremy thought of him. Jess nudged Jeremy in the arm with his fist. "Does that answer your question satisfactorialy?"
Jeremy nodded, thinking about how a year ago he would have seen having to share his parent with a new baby as a pretty good problem to have, since it would have meant he at least had a parent of his own to share. And now, he was being adopted into a really nice family, but he still couldn't stop worrying about potential problems or about being excluded down the road. He wondered if he would ever really feel secure. "Yeah, I think you made your point."
"Good." Jess squeezed the back of Jeremy's neck gently before pulling his hand back, a smirk on his face. "But, in the interest of full disclosure, Winston here will always be my favorite child. Mostly because he doesn't tease me about Lorelai being my aunt or gang up on me with Luke. Just going for honesty, here. I hear it's the foundation of any good relationship."
Jeremy grinned back. "Fair enough. Winston's my favorite family member, too. Mostly because he doesn't hog the bathroom for 45 minutes every morning trying to perfect his 'I woke up like this' look."
Jeremy giggled as he sidestepped the light backhand Jess aimed at his shoulder. "Oh, so that's how it's going to be, huh? Wow, parenting really is a thankless job." Jess shook his head. "You give and you give, and then they turn on you!"
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Jeremy thought the topic had been dropped until later that night in Luke's apartment, when it had been just the two of them and Jeremy had been headed to bed. Jess had leaned in for the usual one-armed half hug that Jeremy got when they said goodnight. The contact was something that Jess had added to their routine after the conversation about New York when Jess had told him he loved him for the first time. The gesture was normally accompanied by a quick kiss on the side of his head, and it made Jeremy happy every time he thought about the fact that he was someone who got kissed goodnight now. It felt normal enough in the moment, but it felt unbelievably surreal when Jeremy thought about it later in relation to how the rest of his life had been. He had a real parent now, who loved him enough to kiss him goodnight. It was a concept that still left him feeling overwhelmed at times, deeply grateful, but overwhelmed.
On this particular night, the hug was followed by a hand on his bicep, holding him firmly in place as if Jess expected him to try to make a run for it. He looked up at his foster father in surprise to see an expression on the man's face so serious that it unsettled him, even as his arm was released. "Hey, Jeremy. I uh, just wanted to say one more thing about what we were talking about earlier. I don't want you to feel like I wasn't taking you seriously, or that I was trying to make light of something that you worry about."
Jess paused, looking at Jeremy intently, his expression earnest and maybe a little chagrined. Jeremy was caught off guard, and he wasn't sure what to say. He hadn't been offended earlier, not really. He had even kind of liked the idea that Jess found his concern so far-fetched and unfounded that he could joke about it. "It's ok, Jess. I didn't take it that way."
"Good. I'm glad to hear that. I know I still don't know much about what you've been through, but I want you to know that I get that you have reasons to be worried or scared about certain situations." Jess paused, and Jeremy looked down uncomfortably at being reminded that he hadn't really opened up to Jess about his life, even though he knew Jess had hinted a few times at being interested and had told him directly that he was willing to listen. "And, I get that nothing I can say will fix that for you. I know I can tell you I love you and that you're my family all day long, but at the end of the day those are just words, and I get that you don't totally trust them. I know it will take time for you to trust how much I care about you, and how committed I am to being your parent. And, I'm ok with that. I have time."
Jess looked so solemn and serious that it was throwing Jeremy off. "It's….it's not that I don't trust you. I do. You've been better to me than anyone has since..…..." Jeremy could tell his voice was going to crack if he said 'my mom' so he left the sentence to linger unfinished. "I do trust you. It's just hard, sometimes. When you're used to stuff being a certain way. I don't know. But, I do trust you, Jess. I don't want you to think I don't. Ok?"
Jess was smiling now and it made Jeremy feel more comfortable. He always preferred smiling Jess to serious Jess. Serious Jess made him nervous. "Ok. I'll take your word for it. I trust you, too." Jeremy felt Jess's hand, warm on the back of his neck, as his head was pulled forward so Jess could drop a kiss on the side of his head. "I love you, kid."
Jeremy believed him. He really did. He just wished it was enough to silence the little voice in his head that kept warning him that this was too good to be true, and that things that were this good didn't last, maybe they did for other people, but not for him. "I love you, too."