Chapter 14 Notes: Not much action in this one, mostly just coping with the fallout from the events of the last chapter and checking in to see where the boys' head are at. Thanks to everyone for all the thoughtful reviews on the last chapter. I'm always excited to hear from you guys and see what you're thinking. :)

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

Jess wasn't a drinker. Not a serious one, anyway. Not anymore. He had given it up in his mid-twenties when he had felt himself becoming too reliant on a drink to deal with stress or disappointment. Even back then, he didn't really drink to the point of getting drunk. He had always hated feeling out of control. But, he had liked to have a few drinks to soften the edges of a bad day, when he had needed a little help coping with his life, or when a painful memory had resurfaced and refused to leave him in peace. He had stopped drinking regularly when he had had an epiphany about the similarity of his coping mechanism to Liz's, and how she must have started out using substances the same way, for just a little bit of relief, before losing control and letting it develop into a real problem. He had stopped drinking liquor then, out of fear of following in Liz's footsteps.

He was still up for the occasional beer after work with Chris and Matthew, but that had become a rare event once they had both started families. He would still allow himself a glass or two of wine on a dinner date, at home or at a nice restaurant, but that had mostly stopped over six months ago when Charisse left. But, sitting at a bar like this, by himself, staring into his third Jack on the rocks of the evening in an attempt to cope with a major life upset, this wasn't who he was anymore. It certainly wasn't who he wanted to be. But, he wasn't sure how else to cope with a day like today. How to keep himself from drowning in the crushing waves of anxiety and shame that threatened to pull him under. Certainly a sugar binge wouldn't do the trick. He hadn't felt ready to go home and face Jeremy after leaving Truncheon. He had thought about taking a walk and calling Luke, but he wasn't ready to face his uncle yet, either. He knew Luke would offer support and be willing to help him however he could, but he wasn't ready to deal with what a disappointment he had turned out to be because he hadn't listened to his uncle back when he was a teenager, or again in his twenties, when the man had tried to convince him to finish school and go to college.

He thought back to his meeting with Chris and Matthew a couple of hours ago. How he had been in shock at first, unable to react as Chris apologized and Matthew cried. How Chris had tried to hand him a severance check in a white envelope and ended up setting it down on the table when Jess hadn't moved to take it. When he had finally been able to speak, his reaction had surprised him, feeling more like the kind of response to bad news that he would have had at eighteen, when anger and defensiveness had been his constant companions. He swore. He raised his voice. He told them that this was bullshit. That this wasn't right, not after everything he had done for this company, for them. Not after everything he had put up with during the early years, when he had worked like a dog to help keep Truncheon running. Through all the hard times, the weeks when they had been unable to pay him. For things to end up like this now, when he had a kid and needed this job the most, was fucked up. He knew his reaction had surprised them, too. They hadn't seen this side of him in a long time, and they had never seen it directed at them. Matthew had stopped sniffling and they were both staring at him wide-eyed. Jess had delivered his big finish then, sending the envelope flying off the table onto the floor with a angry flick of his wrist that had made Matthew flinch back in his chair, storming out with the most puerile of parting messages, fuck their severance package, and fuck them.

He regretted it now. Of course he did. He recognized how stupid he'd been before he had made it to the end of the block, but it had felt too late to turn back. And what would he have said to them if he had? He wasn't sure how to apologize for something like that. He rationally understood that this was out of Chris and Matthew's control. He got that. He knew they hadn't deserved the abuse he had hurled at them. He knew the way this situation had shaken out had upset them, too, caused them real pain. They had been good friends all these years, good to him professionally and personally. The best and longest friendships of his life. And now he had probably lost them along with his job. He had spontaneously ducked into this bar on the walk home, needing a moment to get himself together before going back to the apartment, and Jeremy. It had taken two drinks for him to realize that he had reacted with rage because if he hadn't, he would have broken down completely in frustration and shame, and ended up crying with Matthew. And he couldn't let himself do that, so the anger had kicked in out of self-preservation. Jess finished his drink and flagged the bartender down to close out his tab. It was time to go home.

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Jess wasn't drunk, but climbing the three flights of stairs to his apartment had made him realize that he wasn't entirely sober either. He hoped Jeremy wouldn't notice. He knew he needed to tell him about losing his job and he really didn't want to model using alcohol as a coping mechanism for Jeremy the way Liz had for him. He wasn't drunk, but things felt a little easier than they had before he had stepped into the bar. He could admit that the whiskey had had the intended mellowing effect.

Jess had barely gotten his key into the lock, when the apartment door was pulled away from him. Both boys greeted him at the threshold, one with his tail wagging happily and one with worried eyes.

"Hey guys." Jeremy stooped to give Winston some love, petting the dog's head and scratching behind his ears for a minute. He looked up at Jeremy. "I get the whole welcoming committee tonight, huh?" Jess stood up and faced his foster son. "You ok, Jeremy?"

The boy nodded, face serious. "Yeah. I'm fine. I was just worried about you. You're really late."

Jess sighed. He glanced at the clock in the kitchen. It was twenty minutes to nine, not really late, but he was usually home by six-thirty so he understood where Jeremy was coming from and felt like a jerk for worrying the kid.

Jess knew Jeremy had misinterpreted his sigh when he rushed to apologize. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's not like you have to be accountable to me or anything. I mean, you're an adult. You can do whatever you want. I just-"

"Jeremy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I should have texted you to say I was going to be late. It won't happen again, ok?"

Jeremy nodded, arms crossed protectively in front of his middle. "Yeah. Ok. Thanks."

Jess reached out a hand to pull Jeremy in for a lazy half-hug, dropping a kiss on his head. Jeremy was frowning as Jess released him. "Were you drinking?"

Jess laughed. "Yeah, Dad, you caught me. Busted for drinking and missing curfew!" Jess knew he needed to take this moment seriously. Worrying your kid while you went out drinking wasn't cool. He had been in Jeremy's shoes enough times during his childhood to know that. His brain was just having a little bit of trouble getting his mouth in line with its plans. "This really takes me back to high school and trying to sneak in late when I lived with Luke. But, he wasn't as vigilant as you are. He would usually try to wait up, but end up passed out on the couch instead." Jess laughed to himself at the memory. "The key was to always put a blanket over him before I went to bed. You can't stay that mad at a person who covers you with a blanket when you're sleeping, right? He'd wake up the next morning and his first thought would be about what a thoughtful kid I was." Jess chuckled.

Jeremy wasn't laughing. He was staring at Jess, with his mouth turned down in a frown at the corners.

"Jeremy. I'm sorry. Ok? Just please give me a break tonight. I've had a really shitty day."

Jeremy's expression shifted into concern. "What happened? Are you ok? Is Luke ok? And everybody else?"

"Yes. I'm ok. Luke is ok. Everybody's fine." Jess realized he was still standing between Jeremy and the door. "Let's go sit down. There's something I need to talk to you about."

"Ok." Jeremy walked over to the couch and sat down at one end, one leg pulled onto the seat cushion, the bottom of his foot tucked under his other knee at the edge of the couch, his body turned to face the middle of the couch. Jess mirrored his positioning at the other end so they were facing each other. Winston followed them and laid down on the floor near Jeremy's foot.

"So, uh, I got some really shitty news today. It came out of nowhere, and it sucks, but it's going to sound worse than it really is, ok?" Jess was pretty sure this was what parents were supposed to do, minimize life's upsets for their children, take all the stress on themselves and put on a 'no big deal' front for their offspring.

Jeremy fidgeted in place, his eyes on Jess, the fingers of his left hand laying across the back of the couch and nervously fiddling with the top edging of the couch cushion. "Jess, you're making me really nervous. Can you please just tell me what happened?"

"I'm getting to it. Just…..I just need you to know that what I'm about to tell you won't change anything. Ok? I still love you and I'm still adopting you in less than three weeks. Ok?"

Jeremy's expression was pained. "Jess, please."

"All right." It occurred to him that this situation might actually have a silver lining for Jeremy. "First, I'll start with the good news. We aren't moving to New York."

Jeremy sat up straighter, the side of his body pulling away from the back of the couch, his expression not pleased like Jess had expected. He had thought the boy's mind would have gone straight to Melissa when he said they weren't moving. "Are you serious? Why? What about your job?"

"Well…...there's no easy way to say this." Jess paused, trying to mentally fend off the resurfacing shame before he continued. "There isn't going to be a job for me at the new company."

Jeremy looked scared now. "What do you mean?"

"Chris and Matthew wanted to take me with them. I've been with those guys forever, and they're good people. They wanted me to have the job, but I uh, I didn't pass the background check at the new company."

Jeremy's brow was furrowed in confusion, and Jess wondered if the boy was imaging a crime in his past. "Because I don't have a degree. I can't work at the new company because they don't hire people that didn't go to college. They especially don't hire people who didn't go to college and didn't even finish high school." Jess didn't know why he added that. He had no idea if it was true or if they would have cared about him having a GED instead of a diploma if he had followed it up with a college degree. He felt like his brain was in the beginning stages of planning a pity-party and he tried to refocus. He wished he hadn't stopped at the bar. The alcohol in his bloodstream that had helped him cope in the immediate aftermath of his loss was now making this conversation feel harder and less controlled than he wanted it to. He wanted to be an adult about this. A parent. Someone who successfully shielded their child from stress, especially the adult stresses of money and making ends meet. "It's all going to be ok, Jeremy. All right? We still have each other. I have some money saved up." Jess smiled reassuringly. "I'll get another job in Philly. We're going to be ok."

Jess watched Jeremy force the frown from his face. "And, you'll still be able to adopt me if you don't have a job?"

"Yes, Jeremy. I'm still going to adopt you."

"I know you still want to, but, I what I mean is, will they still let you?"

Jess had no idea. "Absolutely! Of course, they will!" He figured lying to a kid you loved was ok when it was to protect them from freaking out, and if you were lying about an outcome that you were going to work your ass off to achieve. "This won't matter. Sometimes parents lose jobs. DCFS doesn't go in and remove kids every time a parent gets laid off, do they?"

Jeremy shook his head slowly.

"Of course, they don't. We'll stay together. I'll adopt you and we'll get through this as a family. Ok?"

Jeremy nodded. "I can give you back the money from DCFS that you've been giving me. I still have almost all of it. I barely spent any of it. I mostly just bought some treats and toys and stuff for Winston."

Jess sighed. "That's yours for school."

Jeremy was shaking his head quickly. "I want to help if you need money. I can start looking for a job, too. We're a team, right?"

"I don't want to talk about money right now. Ok? Tomorrow, I'll go over my budget and see where we stand and I'll start looking around for work. I don't want to think about any of that tonight. Not yet." Jess knew that even with three whiskeys on board, he would be lucky if he got any sleep tonight. He couldn't start spazzing about money right now. He mind wandered back to the severance check he had left on the floor at Truncheon, and he tried to push the thought out of his mind. He wasn't ready to face that particularly stupid decision yet.

"Ok." Jeremy started to scoot closer to Jess on the couch, then stopped, looking up at his foster father hesitantly. "Do you need a hug?"

Jess smiled warmly and tried to look as normal as possible, putting on his best 'everything is going to be ok' look. "Now, you're talking. I can't think of anything I need more."

Jeremy scooted the rest of the way over, until he was snuggled up next to Jess's side, and wrapped his arms around his foster father's middle, holding on tight. Jess sat back against the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table. He hugged the boy back, looping one arm around the kid's shoulders and squeezing him into his side. He thought about how complicated parenthood was. How having a child to take care of and provide for could be the biggest source of stress in a person's life and also the biggest source of comfort. Jess was glad Jeremy was such a tactile kid. He was starting to realize how much he liked being hugged, too.

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Jeremy lay in bed, unable to sleep for the second night in a row. And this time it felt worse. Scarier. His whole world felt even less stable than it had just a night before. He trusted Jess. He really did. He knew the man was being honest when he told him that he loved him and wanted to adopt him. But, he also knew that good intentions didn't always amount to much. He'd been in decent homes before where everything had changed when a parent had lost their job. He knew what losing a job meant. Stress. Hostility. Raised voices. Fights about money. Needing an outlet for anger and frustration. And, if the period of unemployment persisted long enough, the desire to preserve resources and pare down spending would often culminate in the removal of all superfluous mouths to feed. Jeremy had fallen into that category twice before himself, and had heard of the same thing happening to countless other foster kids he'd known over the years.

And sometimes the loss of a job, particularly when it was the male parent who had lost it, led to drinking. Jeremy hadn't liked seeing Jess how he'd been tonight. A little off, and smelling like alcohol. He knew his foster father hadn't actually been drunk. He knew the difference. And Jess certainly hadn't lashed out in anger, as Jeremy had seen parents do in prior placements when they had had too much to drink. Jess was an adult, of legal drinking age. He was allowed to have a few drinks after a bad day if he wanted to. But, it still gave Jeremy a feeling of foreboding. He had only seen Jess drink once, when the man had had a couple of beers at Thanksgiving. But that had been social. Luke and Lorelai and TJ had all been drinking, too. And, Jess was usually considerate about letting Jeremy know if he was going out, or if he was going to be late coming home. Tonight had been out of character for Jess and it left Jeremy with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, and the concern that maybe Jess's behavior would become something that Jeremy had less and less ability to predict.

Jeremy knew this kind of worrying wasn't going to lead him anywhere good, certainly not to sleep, so he tried to focus on what he could do to make things easier for Jess, instead. To take some of the burden off his foster father, so that the man's financial stress wouldn't need to lead to something bad happening. He was going to be eighteen in less than a month. He couldn't just sit around letting Jess take care of him financially anymore, anyway. It wasn't right. He needed to step up and help out, too. He needed to find a job and work as many hours as he could. He would go out looking after school tomorrow, and this time he wouldn't give up until he found something. He could save them money, too. The first thing he would do at school tomorrow would be to sign up for free lunches. He could get the free breakfast, too, if he could make it into school an extra half-hour early. And, he could do that no problem if he had to. That would at least save Jess some money on groceries since the only food he would need to provide for Jeremy on weekdays would be dinner. And Jeremy could eat whatever. They didn't need to experiment with vegetarian recipes together that called for lots of ingredients or spices that they would only use once or twice and never think about again. Jeremy could live off very little if he had to. He could look for deals at the grocery store and cook eggs for dinner or make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He could make himself very inexpensive. There were rules about where foster children slept, but once the adoption was finalized, if Jess needed to downsize apartments, Jeremy didn't need a room of his own, he could make do with a couch if he needed to. There was nothing he wasn't willing to go without if it meant he was able to keep his family.

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Jess rolled over to his other side, again, desperate to turn off his mind and go to sleep. He knew it was futile, that he wouldn't sleep at all tonight. He had gotten out of bed around two to vomit in the bathroom. Then again at quarter to three. Each time he had knelt on the cold bathroom tile and heaved into the toilet as quietly as he could, hoping that Jeremy was sleeping and not listening to him wretch. He wasn't sure if it had been a reaction to the three whiskeys or the stress of losing his job or both, but whatever the trigger, he had felt ashamed by his weakness and hadn't wanted Jeremy to know he was throwing up.

He grabbed his phone off his nightstand and turned it on to see the time. Quarter past four. He should get up at first light and run or hit the gym. He knew that would be the best thing for him. He stomach was still tied up in knots with stress, but he knew everything would only get worse if he didn't exercise and give himself a physical outlet for his stress, and especially for his anger.

His embarrassing display with Chris and Matthew at Truncheon was currently playing over and over in his mind. He felt guilty and embarrassed, and just…..unsettled. He knew he would apologize. He knew he would mean the apology. But, he didn't know how it would go over, or whether his behavior had left an irrevocable scar on their relationship, changing how they felt about him in such a fundamental way that there wouldn't be a point in staying friends. He hated to think that at thirty-three, his inability to control his temper was still pushing away the people he cared about the most. As if he had made absolutely no progress as a person from the angry teenager he had been fifteen years ago.

He flipped onto his back and let himself cry. Silently. Feeling the tears slip out of the corners of his eyes and track down his temples and into his hairline. He felt a tickle as one tear ran into his ear and he didn't bother to wipe it away. He thought about everything he had lost in the past six months, or year maybe, since he had really lost Charisse long before she had walked out the door. He had lost her when he hadn't been able to commit to fostering and had failed to support her dream to start a family. And now his job. Maybe his career in publishing all together. Maybe Truncheon had been a fluke and no other publishing company would hire an editor without a degree. And possibly his only two real friends.

He looked at the pattern of those losses and forced himself to face his own culpability in each. He had lost Charisse because he was an idiot. She had been so much more than he deserved and he had lost her by being selfish and stubborn and unable to get onboard with the thing she had wanted most. And now that he had Jeremy and realized how amazing fostering a child could be, he felt even more ridiculous for how hard he had resisted when he had been with her.

And his job. God, he was an idiot there, too. When Jess was in his early twenties and already firmly ensconced in his job at Truncheon, Luke had had a cancer scare. It had ended up being nothing, but it had brought up a lot of fears for Luke of the things he had left undone. He had gotten it into his head that he hadn't done right by Jess all those years ago by not making him finish high school and go to college. He had nagged Jess for months about getting his diploma and then getting a college degree. Luke had offered to pay for everything, trying to convince Jess that he could just take one class at a time if he wanted. He could take classes online. He could study literature, if he wanted. Jess had dug in his heels, telling his uncle that college wasn't necessary for him. He already had a career. He didn't want to spend his free time studying for something that wouldn't make a difference in his life anyway. He had been such a smug little bastard. He had eventually gotten his GED to pacify Luke, but he had stopped there.

He thought about the different direction his life would be headed in today if he had listened to Luke all those years ago and started taking one class at a time online. He would have a degree by now. And he'd still have his job. His career. Then he thought about Chris and Matthew. The best and possibly only real friends he had ever had. And when they had been painted into a corner because he hadn't gone to college, when one of them was actually crying over the news they had to deliver, Jess had turned on them. Like an asshole. And now he might have lost them, too.

The only good thing to happen to Jess this year was Jeremy. And Winston. That little guy counted, too. And the only silver lining in what happened today was that Jess hadn't been a dick to Jeremy or taken out any of his anger on the boy. He wished he hadn't had to lose it with Chris and Matthew to have learned that lesson, but he could admit that if he was going to fly off the handle at someone about losing his job, it was better that it had been at them instead of his foster son. Ideally, he shouldn't have lost it on anyone, he realized that, but he also knew that he would have felt so much worse if he had come home and unleashed on Jeremy. He had spent a good part of his childhood as the verbal and physical punching bag for Liz's boyfriends and husbands, and sometimes Liz herself when she was drunk and angry, and he knew how much that sucked. Getting yelled at or hit was never fun, but it had been so much worse all those times when Jess hadn't done anything wrong other than just exist in close proximity to a pissed and disgruntled adult who was looking for an outlet for their anger. When one of Liz's boyfriends got fired, or had his car repossessed, or there was no beer in the fridge. When Liz got dumped by some loser guy that she had thought was the one. And Jess had needed to absorb their angry words and insults, their slaps and name-calling and abuse, so that they could feel somehow compensated for their loss.

Jess would never be that kind of parent. Ever. He would deal with this situation responsibly. Like a stable adult. He wouldn't repeat what had happened tonight, letting the boy see him tipsy and using alcohol as a crutch. That wasn't ok. Jess knew that. And he would never yell at Jeremy or take his anger out on him. Jeremy didn't deserve that, and Jess wouldn't do it. He had taken this night to wallow. But the bullshit needed to end here. There would be no more of this shit. No more yelling at people he cared about. No more drinking, or puking or crying. He would keep his shit together and be strong for his kid. He wouldn't lose Jeremy, too. He would start fresh in the morning. He would put on a brave face and make Jeremy breakfast and see him off to school with a reassuring smile and hug. He would go for a long run, and take a long shower. And, then he would start looking for a new job. He would keep moving forward. He still had Jeremy to take care of. Life would go on. Losing his job was a major upset, but it was over, technically already in the past. He needed to keep moving forward. He knew that parents didn't have the luxury of doing anything else.

The sky beyond his bedroom window was starting to lighten with the first hint of sunrise. Jess wiped the tears off his face. He knew what the first thing he had to do was. He turned onto his side and grabbed his phone, tapping out a short text to Chris and Matthew: I'm sorry. I'm an ass. I love you guys. Please forgive me.

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Jeremy hadn't intended to spy on Jess. He had had a hard time getting out of bed after a mostly sleepless night and had been running late. By the time he had showered and come out to the kitchen, the apartment was empty, meaning Jess had taken Winston out without him. He had looked out the living room window overlooking the street and spotted Jess and Winston on the sidewalk below. There were two other men with them, a tall black guy and a shorter white guy with glasses. Jeremy rarely saw Jess interact with the neighbors and he was intrigued.

Jeremy could see the profiles of all three men as they spoke on the sidewalk, the other two men facing Jess and Winston, who was wagging his tail and looking for some attention. The conversation looked serious from the expressions on their faces and Jeremy wondered what it could be about. Jess moved a hand up to cup the back of his own neck, much they way he always did to Jeremy when the boy was upset, and he wondered if Jess was trying to comfort himself. He looked embarrassed. He was nodding contritely as he listened to the tall black guy, his face cringing at whatever the man was saying. He saw Jess mouth something short, maybe two or three words. The other white guy was the first to break out in a smile. He closed the gap between him and Jess and pulled Jess into a hug. Jeremy watched fascinated as Jess dropped his forehead to the other man's shoulder for a brief second, and wiped a hand across his right eye as he pulled away. Jess spoke again, a wry smile on his face, and whatever he said prompted the other two guys to laugh. The tall black guy hugged Jess, too, but it seemed less intimate, a quick and generic embrace between two male friends who were hugging to cement a truce rather than for comfort.

As they separated, the tall black guy pulled something out of the inside chest pocket of his coat. Jeremy leaned forward to see what it was, but it just looked like a plain white envelope with no discernable clues to its contents. Jess looked at the envelope solemnly and mouthed two more words that Jeremy was pretty sure were 'thank you.' He took the envelope and put it into his own pocket. He wiped his eye again, the white guy spoke, and all three men laughed.

Jeremy didn't want to interrupt them, but he was going to be late for school if he didn't leave soon. He shouldered his backpack, grabbed a banana and hurried down the stairs. As he approached the group on the sidewalk with the intention of walking past unobtrusively and heading to school, Jess was talking to the tall black guy, both of them grinning, while the shorter white guy was crouched down playing with Winston. The dog saw Jeremy and ran up to him, drawing everyone's attention.

"Jeremy! Hey!" Jess called. "C'mere, I want you to meet these guys."

Jeremy turned to face his foster father.

"Jeremy, this is Chris." Jess indicated the tall black guy. "And, this is Matthew." The white guy stood back up. "Guys, this is my son, Jeremy."

Chris and Matthew were both looking at him with big smiles. Chris spoke first as he extended his hand for Jeremy to shake. "It's great to finally meet you, Jeremy. We've heard so much about you."

"You, too." Jeremy said. "It's nice to meet you, too."

Matthew shook his hand next, holding it longer than necessary afterward. "It's good to meet you, Jeremy. You should know that Jess talks about you all the time. We're so glad he found you. I hope you know how happy you make him." Jeremy didn't know what to say. The comment felt reminiscent of what April had told him when they were leaving Stars Hollow at the end of their first visit. He hadn't known how to respond then either.

Jess huffed out a laugh. "All right, Matty, give my kid back his hand. He needs it for school."

Matthew released Jeremy's hand and the boy waved an awkward, general goodbye before walking off down the sidewalk. He heard Jess's voice and then more laughter. But, Jeremy was already lost in his own head, focusing on the two sentences that he would treasure for a long time to come, savoring the feel and sound of each word in his mind, and the meaning behind them combined. 'This is my son, Jeremy.' 'I hope you know how happy you make him.'