Chapter 15 Notes: Jess and Jeremy do some more dealing with stuff, and have some good moments and bad. I know that's not much of a summary, but there isn't much plot in this one. I likely won't post for a couple of weeks due to hosting visiting family, but there will be some actual plot developments coming up soon, probably in the next chapter. Thanks to everyone who has been leaving me feedback on this story. The fact that you guys are taking the time to acknowledge my little story with a review means so much to me. :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls
Jess couldn't stare at his laptop for another minute. After Jeremy had headed to school and Chris and Matthew had headed to the office, Jess had gone for a long run and taken a long shower, both of which had made him feel a little better, a little calmer. He also felt a measure of relief that he had made up with Chris and Matthew. It was one thing to lose his job, but another to act like a complete ass because of it. They had graciously accepted his apology this morning, and he was grateful for that.
He had spent the rest of the day on the laptop. First he had updated his budget, listing out all his expenses and comparing the total to what he had in savings. He figured he had enough saved up to make it two months without a job, maybe three if he was really careful. He had been disheartened to realize when he applied for his unemployment benefits that they would be less than the fifty percent of his salary that he had been expecting due to the payment cap. He had worked on ideas of how they could cut back on expenses until he found another job. He had laughed to himself and realized he might be going overboard, when he had included the $7.99 that he paid for Netflix. He could probably at least let the kid have some entertainment. He had been starting to feel a little lighter until he thought about Jeremy's upcoming birthday and then Christmas which would follow two weeks later, and he felt sick at the thought that he wouldn't have the money to make either of those events as special for his foster son as he wanted to. His kid's first birthday and Christmas with his forever family were going to suck. Jess knew that he couldn't let that happen, and that if things weren't looking better for him by then, he would go to Luke to make sure that Jeremy's birthday and Christmas would be happy memories for the boy. As much as he wanted to handle things on his own, he knew that it wouldn't be right for Jeremy to miss out on anything because of his own stubbornness or pride.
He had started putting together a resume. It struck him how lucky he had been in his career that he had never had the need to draft one before. He had seen enough of them over the years when Truncheon had hired new associates, but he pulled up some examples on the internet anyway to make sure he was doing it right. His resume seemed paltry in comparison to the examples he found, with no education section listed and his only recent or relevant employment being Truncheon. He knew Chris and Matthew would provide excellent references for any prospective employers who contacted them, but he wasn't convinced that his resume would get any employers interested enough to call. He tried to think positively, that his resume might make him look loyal and solid. He debated if he should add the diner to his resume before Truncheon, so that he could use Luke as a reference as well. They had different last names. No one would need to know that they were related. But he wasn't sure he even wanted Luke to know about what happened.
Jess was still on the fence about whether he should call Luke today and fill him in on losing his job. On one hand, he wanted to share his burden and let Luke be the parent for a few minutes, reassuring Jess that everything was going to be ok. That he was there if Jess needed him. That he loved Jess and was happy to help him any way he could. But, on the other hand, Jess wanted to handle this by himself. He wasn't a kid anymore. He was a grown man in his thirties with a child of his own. He wanted to be able to deal with this situation by himself and not feel like a kid running to his daddy with his problems. He liked the idea of seeing Luke at Christmas and casually mentioning the new company he worked for, and when Luke expressed surprise, he would explain his temporary job loss as if it hadn't been a hugely stressful ordeal at all. As if he were just another adult handling his shit on his own. He had originally become a foster parent because he had wanted to prove to himself that he was capable of doing something difficult and emotionally taxing. He was trying to view his job loss as just another part of his crucible
Jess had also researched publishing houses in Philadelphia. There were several other independent presses in the city. Some literary, some non-fiction, some that specialized in niche subjects or local authors, a few medical publishers and one that published cookbooks. Some weren't actual 'presses' at all and relied solely on the internet for distribution of product. A few of the more interesting sounding places were fledgling presses that were mostly staffed by volunteers until they got their feet under them. Jess couldn't afford to do that. He understood how tough it was to get a publishing company up and running, and he had given Truncheon considerable unpaid labor in its early days, but he couldn't do that now. Not with a kid to support. The few paid jobs that he saw advertised were entry level and paid shit, most offering little more than half of what he had made at Truncheon.
He thought about Chris and Matthew and how grateful he was that they had come by that morning to talk, and that they had given him a second chance to accept his severance check. He knew it had been one chance more than he deserved and he hoped he had sufficiently conveyed his appreciation to them. The check had been for a month's pay. He had opened the envelope as soon as he had brought Winston back inside, curious to see what the past thirteen years of his service had been worth. He had been relieved to see that the check wasn't for the normal two weeks of severance. He knew it was an ungrateful thought, but it would have felt like a slap in the face if he had received the same two-week severance that he knew the rest of the staff was getting.
Jess had briefly researched employment recruiters, but it didn't seem like any of them focused on his industry. He researched driving for Uber. It was enticing because he could be out earning money within a few days, but it didn't seem like he would make enough to justify losing his unemployment benefits. But, he wanted something now. He wanted to start making money again as soon as possible to quiet the frenetic ticking in the back of his head that had started the moment he had gotten the news about his job. It had waxed and waned throughout the day and the previous night, but it was there on some level all the time, a revved up energy reminding him of the pressure he was under. That he had no time to waste. That his life was dangling over a precipice and could easily plummet if he didn't make the right decisions. Jess sighed and ran his hands through his hair. At least he had stopped throwing up.
Jess felt ready to throw his laptop across the room if he had to look at it once second longer. He shut the computer and stood up, stretching his back and shoulders. "Hey, Winston. What do you say we get outta here for a while, huh, buddy?" The dog stood up from where he had been lying on the rug and headed over to Jess, wagging his tail at his voice.
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That evening found Jess and Jeremy chopping vegetables for veggie chili side by side at the kitchen counter. "So, Jeremy. I want to apologize for last night. I want to give you a sober apology this time." Jess mentally cringed as he remembered how bad he must have looked to Jeremy the night before. "I shouldn't have come home like that. Late and kind of tipsy. Not really in control. I know I worried you and I'm sorry for that."
Jeremy didn't look up from the pepper he was chopping. "It's ok, Jess. I get it."
Jess didn't like the sound of that. He kept his voice neutral. "You do, huh? What exactly do you get?"
"Uh, that you had a bad day…...like you said last night." Jeremy spoke slowly and hesitantly, as if wary of falling into a trap. "And that you needed a few drinks….to, I don't know, deal with it, I guess. I mean, you got some pretty tough news, so uh, yeah….I get it."
Jess set his knife down on the cutting board and turned to face his foster son, his expression stern. "Jeremy, my reaction to getting fired was stupid. I want you to know that. Alcohol never really helps anyone deal with anything. It only helps them escape from what's bothering them for a little while. You should know that, too."
Jeremy looked up at Jess and nodded. "Oh, uh, ok. Sorry." The boy looked nervous now and Jess felt a twinge of guilt as he took in Jeremy's expression. It didn't seem right to be practically reprimanding Jeremy when the bad behavior being discussed was his own.
Jess picked up his knife and turned toward the counter, back to the task in front of him. He gentled his voice as he sliced into a sweet potato. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, Jeremy. You didn't do anything wrong. I was the one who was out of line, not you. Look, I just don't want your takeaway from this situation to be that it's ok to go out and get drunk to cope with stress. It's not. It usually only makes things worse. Drinking is fine if you do it in moderation-" Jess cringed at how much he sounded like a public service announcement. He sighed and started again. "Liz drank a lot when I was growing up. And it didn't exactly make her a very good mother. I spent a lot of nights worried and not knowing where she was. I know how much that sucks. She would stumble home late and drunk and not always in the best mood, or sometimes with some guy who was also drunk, and almost always surprised that she had a kid…." "Anyway, my point is that I know how much drinking can fuck up a person's life. I don't want to set a bad example for you. I certainly don't want you to see drinking as a coping mechanism for hard times, because it really just makes them harder. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yeah, I think so." Jeremy looked up at Jess briefly then back down at his chopping. "And, just so you know, I don't really drink. I mean, I've tried it a few times, but I didn't really like it that much." Jess watched Jeremy shrug his shoulders. "It made me feel kind of weird."
"Yeah? Well, I'm willing to bet you'll get over the weird feeling as you get older. And it's perfectly fine if you decide that you do like drinking, when you're in college and twenty-one and everything. There's nothing wrong with having a drink every now and then with friends. That's fine. Or again, will be fine once you're twenty-one. I just don't want you using alcohol as a crutch when something bad happens or when things aren't going your way. Ok?"
Jeremy nodded, his eyes on Jess. "Ok."
"When you're upset, it's much better to talk to someone you trust about your feelings instead of trying to drown them in alcohol." Jess was starting to feel like he was verging into PSA territory again, but he wanted to make sure he had really driven the point home. He thought about Liz's history with drugs and alcohol and his own history with anger, physically fighting and verbally lashing out at people. He wanted Jeremy to be better than both of them. "I want you to promise me that you'll do that. That you'll come talk to me if something's bothering you." He thought about Jeremy telling Luke about his parents in the diner kitchen on Thanksgiving. "Or, Luke. You can always talk to him if you want, too. He's a good listener." Jess smiled, trying to lighten the moment. "Almost as good as me."
"Ok, Jess." Jeremy nodded solemnly. "I will. I'll come talk to one of you. I promise."
"Good. Thank you." Jess silently worked on dicing an onion for a few minutes. "Thanks for listening to all that." He chuckled softly and grinned. "I'm sorry that you got a lecture when I was the one that messed up. It doesn't really seem fair."
"It's ok. I get that you're just worried and stuff."
"Yeah. I am. I pretty much always am. I'm starting to learn that being a parent means constantly being worried."
They were both silent for a moment. The only sound was that of knife blades methodically slicing through vegetables and tapping against cutting boards. "I think maybe that's just part of being in a family in general. Not necessarily a parent. I worry all the time, too, you know. I used to think that if I ever got a family, I would have less to worry about. But, now I think it's the opposite. I still worry about myself, but now I worry about you, too."
Jess sighed, feeling that a worried child implied some kind of failure on his part as a parent. He had worried about Liz pretty much constantly when he had been a kid. Because she had been a mess then and mostly incapable of worrying about herself. He had worried about her coming home at night, about her safety, about bills getting paid on time and utilities being turned off, and about her choice of men. Then he thought about how little he had had to worry for the two years when he had been Luke's responsibility instead. He had never worried about Luke. He had worried less about himself, too, because he had trusted Luke to take care of them both and keep everything together. Jess could only remember one time when he had been seriously worried about Luke, and that had been when Luke was driving home from visiting Jess in Philadelphia one January. Jess had been watching the news after Luke left and had seen that a sudden and unpredicted snowstorm had begun, causing dangerous driving conditions and several accidents on the highway Luke took to get home. Even then, the worry had been short-lived. Luke had sensibly pulled off the road in New York and called Jess from a motel room to tell him that he was ok and would finish the drive in the morning when the roads were clear. Even when Luke had thought he had cancer, he hadn't told Jess anything about it until after all the testing was done and nothing was found because he hadn't wanted Jess to worry. And Jess wanted to be a parent more like Luke than Liz.
He thought about reassuring the boy that he didn't need to worry about him, but he didn't want to discount the kid's feelings, especially after he had just made him promise to come to him when something was bothering him. "Oh, yeah? What do you worry about with me?"
Jeremy's eyes were on the work in front of him as he spoke. "Everything. Now that I have you as a parent, I worry about losing you. Like in an accident or you getting sick or something. I worry about something happening with the adoption. Not so much you changing your mind. I don't worry about that as much as I used to, but more about something going wrong, especially now, with-" the boy paused and Jess stole a glance at him, watching his cheeks flush with embarrassment.
"Now, that I've lost my job?"
"Yeah. Sorry. I-. I didn't mean to bring that up."
Jess nodded, taking in the boy's fearful expression, as if he thought he may have angered Jess by mentioning his unemployment. Jess decided to treat him like an adult and be honest with him. "It's ok, Jeremy. It's something that happened. It's ok for you to talk about it and be worried about it. Honestly, I'm a little worried, too. I know things will work out. That I'll find another job and we'll stay together and always be family. Nothing will ever change that. But I'm worried about the timing with the adoption and about money being tight for a while."
"And, uh, if money gets really tight…...I mean, you wouldn't ever, like, get rid-"
"No, Jeremy." Jess cut him off a little impatiently. "I'm not getting rid of you if money gets tight. That isn't going to happen so please get that out of your head." Jess felt a little sternness creep into his voice when he responded, feeling a little irritated as he wondered if Jeremy would ever really trust him to be there for him, wholly committed to him as a parent.
"Oh, uh, thanks, but that wasn't what I was going to ask. I was going to ask about Winston. We'll definitely keep him no matter what, right? I mean, you wouldn't give him back to the shelter because we can't afford him or anything, would you?" The underlying fear in the boy's voice cut through Jess.
"Jeremy look at me." Jess waited until Jeremy stilled his knife and made eye contact. "I'm not looking to downsize family members, ok? Not over money. Not you, and not Winston. And, I will never bring Winston back to the shelter. I promise you that." This was something Jess had thought about and he wanted to be honest about this, too. Having a dog could significantly limit the apartments they would be accepted in and Jess wasn't sure how desperate things would get and he didn't want to make promises he couldn't keep. "If things get so tight that we need to move to a cheaper apartment and we can't find one in our budget that takes dogs, we might have to send Winston to live with Luke and Lorelai. But, he won't go back to the shelter. He'd still be in our family and he would still be with people who would love him and spoil him. You have my word on that."
"Oh. Ok."
Jess smiled. "I would say we're making progress as a family since you didn't think I was going to get rid of you over money problems, but now we seem to be back to you thinking I'm going to have your dog killed." Jess raised an eyebrow. "I'm really not sure what I do that gives off such a Cruella Deville vibe."
Jeremy laughed. "Sorry. It's nothing personal." Jeremy smirked a little. "Although, I guess it could be-."
"Stop yourself right there, little boy!" Jess's tone was one of playful annoyance and Jeremy giggled quietly. Jeremy had recently walked in on Jess at the bathroom mirror plucking the first gray hair of his life and being exaggeratedly dramatic about it once he realized he had an audience, blaming the gray hair on the stress of raising a teenager and a dog. "If you say I'm going gray on half my head, you're going to be grounded until you're twenty-five! And I'm not fooling around, here. I don't joke about my hair!" Jess was grinning by the end of the threat.
Jeremy laughed. "Seriously, Jess. It's not anything about you. Like I said, I just worry about stuff. All stuff, I guess." He shrugged. "All possible bad scenarios."
Jess looked at Jeremy's profile as the boy picked up another carrot and placed it on his cutting board, watching the corner of the boy's mouth twitch upward into a smile before Jeremy forced it back down into a neutral expression. Jess wondered if Jeremy was still laughing over the comparison to Cruella Deville. "Would we maybe go with him?"
"Huh?" Jess was lost. "Go with who? Where?"
"With Winston. To Luke's." Jess recognized Jeremy's failed attempt at making the question sound casual. He got the distinct impression that Jeremy had been thinking about this particular scenario for a while. "I mean, if things got tight enough with money and everything. Luke would probably let us stay above the diner, right?" Jess felt a slight pain at the question, or more accurately at the need he could see Jeremy felt to hide his enthusiasm about the idea.
Jess grinned. "Of course he would! Luke would love it if we moved into the apartment. He'd have almost his entire family back in Stars Hollow, just the way he likes it. He'd just need to hold out for April's career to tank like mine and Rory's so that he could have everyone he loves safely within a one mile radius of him." Jess laughed. "There's nothing he'd like more than that, and yes, we always have that as a backup option. But, I don't think we'll need it. I like to think that I'll be able to take care of us and get us back on track on my own." Jess paused. "You trust me to do that, right?"
"Oh, yeah. Of course, I do. I just thought it might be fun to live there, but I get it. And, I'm sure you'll get everything worked out. And, I want to help, too. Maybe we can take care of us on our own instead of just you doing it on your own. We're a team, right?"
Jess smiled warmly at his foster son. "That we are, my friend."
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"Jesus, Jeremy, you need a winter coat!" It came out wrong, part reprimand, part accusation, even though the only person Jess was really annoyed at was himself.
"What?" Jess could tell Jeremy was caught off guard and probably a little alarmed by his tone. "Oh, uh, this one is fine."
Jess watched his foster son force himself to uncross the arms that had previously been wrapped around his chest for warmth and straighten his neck that had been hunched against the cold as they took Winston on his evening walk. The weather had gotten colder after Thanksgiving, not nearly as bad as it would get, but it was definitely feeling like winter now. Jess wondered how long Jeremy had been this obviously cold and why he hadn't noticed before now.
"No, it's not, Jeremy. You look like you're freezing. We'll run out after school tomorrow and pick something up, ok? You can't go all winter with what you have on." Jeremy's jacket was gray, midweight canvas, something he had brought with him when he moved in and a perfectly good jacket for a crisp fall day, but lacking the warmth and insulation to get him through a winter in Philadelphia.
"Really, Jess. I'm fine. I don't need a new coat. Maybe just a scarf or something. I think I could be fine with a scarf. I can probably pick one up on my way home from school tomorrow. I pass by a Goodwill."
Jess felt himself getting irritated. He gave his foster son a hard look. He knew the boy was just trying to help, but all it seemed to do was make Jess feel worse and heighten the shame he felt over his inability to make his child feel safe and taken care of. The day after Jess lost his job, Jeremy had approached him after dinner wanting his signature on forms to get him signed up for the free lunch and breakfast program at school, talking about saving money on groceries. Jess had felt an intense and irrational spike of anger at the request, at Jeremy himself for the implication that Jess couldn't be trusted to feed his own kid, at the feeling that his joblessness was being thrown in his face. He had excused himself from the room for a moment, knowing he needed a minute to get himself under control before responding to his foster son. He had gone into his bedroom and taken deep breaths while he counted to ten in his head, trying to tamp down his anger and quell the instinct to lash out or snap at Jeremy. When that hadn't worked, he had counted to twenty, then thirty. He had thought back to the conversation they had had while cooking dinner earlier that night and how easy it had felt to remain calm then as they discussed their mutual worry compared to how difficult it had felt in the current moment. He knew his stress level would likely vacillate like this until things were resolved and he got a new job, with certain things being more triggering than others. He had returned to the living room a few minutes later to find Jeremy kneeling on the floor petting Winston, looking like a chastened child. He had looked up at Jess with sad eyes, and offered an apology, telling Jess that he was just trying to help save money and he hadn't meant to piss him off. Jess had told him it was ok, that he hadn't done anything wrong. That it was probably a good idea to save money on whatever they could at the moment since he didn't know how long it would take him to get another job. He had picked up the forms from the coffee table and read them through, realizing with a twinge of nausea that Jeremy would now qualify for this program even without his status as a foster child due to Jess's current income of zero. Jess signed his name on the indicated lines, handing them back to Jeremy with a thank you, telling the boy that if the food ended up being really gross, they would work something else out. That they weren't exactly destitute yet.
He didn't want to end up making Jeremy feel badly again. He took a deep breath. "Jeremy. You need a winter coat. We'll get you one tomorrow."
"Really, Jess, I'm-"
"Jeremy!" Jess raised his voice enough that a couple walking further down the block glanced back briefly at the sound. Jeremy looked stricken, then quickly looked down toward Winston who was sniffing undisturbed a few feet in front of them. Jess hated that he was letting the stress he was living with turn him back into the same volatile asshole he had worked so hard to stop being. He had thought he had been successful at shedding that undesirable aspect of his personality years ago, but apparently his assholeness had only been lying dormant when his life had been easy and good, waiting for adverse conditions to wake it from its slumber. He knew he could do better than this. He had to. "I'm sorry, Jeremy. I didn't mean to yell at you."
Jeremy shrugged, not making eye contact.
"Are you ok?" Jess was watching Jeremy closely now, but the kid still wouldn't look at him.
The boy nodded wordlessly, his expression pained.
Jess sighed, breathing deeply in the cold. "I was being a jerk, and I'm sorry. But, you don't have to go without a winter coat because I lost my job." Jess paused, collecting his thoughts. "If I offer you something, it means that I can afford to give it to you, ok? I have some money saved up, I got a severance package from Truncheon, and I'll start getting unemployment benefits soon. I can still afford to get you the things you need, like food and a warm coat for the winter. When you fight me on getting you something basic like a winter coat, it makes me feel awful, like you don't trust me to take care of you. And, I really need you to trust me right now, ok?" Jess was embarrassed to feel his voice going thin and needy on the last sentence. He knew that losing his job would be stressful, but he hadn't expected the constant feelings of shame and inadequacy. He wondered if he would feel this bad if it were just him, without an audience to his failure.
Jeremy nodded. "Ok. I'm sorry. I do trust you. I just don't want to cost you a lot right now. I was just trying to help. I've been out applying for jobs after school, and no one seems interested in hiring me. I just want to….contribute something, I guess, so that you don't have to be so stressed."
Jess sighed. Sometimes it felt like they took two steps back for every one step forward. He hated that Jeremy was still apologizing to him when he hadn't done anything wrong. He hated that he was still fucking things up and making things worse without meaning to. It had been three days since he lost his job and every day that passed without any kind of progress was making Jess feel more wound up. He had emailed resumes with specially tailored cover letters to every independent press in Philadelphia that dealt with fiction of any kind as well as the non-fiction publishing houses with open job postings. He would move on to the non-fiction publishing houses without posted job openings tomorrow. None of them felt promising, or right. He had this deep down sense of grief that he would never again in his life have a work experience that fit him as well as what he had had at Truncheon. Thoughts like that were what turned the low-grade mental stress that was always with him into a full blown frenetic pounding in his head. He wished he still had Charisse, someone he could rely on the way she had relied on him when her mother had been sick. He kept telling Jeremy that they were a team, but it wasn't true. Jeremy was still a kid. He wasn't supposed to be burdened with any of this. He certainly wasn't supposed to deal with Jess's short temper or neediness. This was on Jess alone.
They were paused in front of a tree while Winston sniffed. "I know you do. And I appreciate that. And you do contribute something, every day. Do you remember telling me the night we got back from Stars Hollow that you'd be even more stressed and that everything would feel a million times worse if you hadn't come to live with me?"
Jeremy looked up at Jess, his eyes wary, a small frown on his face. He nodded once.
"Well, that's how I feel, too. Being out of work sucks, but everything would feel a million times worse if I didn't have you."
Jess watched Jeremy's frown slowly turn into a small smile. He reached an arm out and cupped the back of Jeremy's head and started grinning. "Everytime I look at your cute little face, you're making a positive contribution to the state of my mental health."
Jeremy scrunched up his face a little, and Jess laughed. "Too over the top?"
Jeremy smiled back. "Maybe a little."
Jess shrugged, pulling his hand back and shoving it in his jacket pocket, small smile on his face. "Everyone's a critic. Doesn't make it any less true, though."
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Jess took Winston out by himself that night. Jeremy had started sniffling after their evening walk, and Jess had insisted that he and his insufficiently winterized wardrobe stay indoors. The walk at this time of night was a quick one, anyway, just long enough to give Winston time to relieve himself before bed. As Jess was idling in front of the building, waiting for Winston to pick his spot, he saw a woman who lived on the first floor rushing around the corner, dragging her little boy along with her, loudly berating him for not keeping up. Jess had only run into this woman a handful of times since she had moved into the building a couple of months ago, but everytime he did, it took him back to his own childhood. He watched her now, moving down the street, yelling at her son to hurry the fuck up, it was cold and she was freezing her goddamn ass off out here. He knew he had only seen very small snippets of their lives. He had run into her one evening when they had both been coming home. It couldn't have been later than eight o'clock. She had been too drunk to get her key to line up in the lock to open the security door, and Jess had unlocked the door with his own key, holding it open for her as she entered the building without even a thank you. He had seen the boy, a little guy of maybe five or six, Jess wasn't good at kids' ages, late one Sunday evening, struggling to put laundry into the machine in the basement by himself. And the few times he had seen them together, like this, it seemed like the kid was always getting bitched at for something that wasn't his fault. He had never seen this woman actually hit her child, or physically abuse him in any way. If he did he would call the police. But, the desperate and nasty energy he felt emanating from this woman, the way she always seemed a little unhinged and out of control was so reminiscent of the Liz that he remembered from his childhood, that his heart went out to this little boy.
It was ten o'clock on a school night. This kid had no business being out on the street in the cold at this time of night. He thought of Jeremy already in his sleep clothes and cuddled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a book, and he felt a swell of warmth in his chest, gratitude that even though he had been raised like this little boy, he had grown to become a parent who was capable of treating his own child with love and kindness. He wondered what kind of parent, or person, he would have become if he had gone straight from Liz to the adult world, without the two-year reprieve he'd been granted with Luke in Stars Hollow. He hoped this little guy had someone, an aunt or uncle or grandparent, that treated him better than what Jess was seeing now, that looked at him like he was special. The woman stopped yelling when she noticed Jess, giving him a tight smile as she kept manhandling the kid past him to the door of their building. Up close, Jess saw that the boy was not dressed for the elements at all, with his only outerwear a navy hoodie. He watched the boy shiver his way past him, heard the woman let out an angry "Tyler!" when the boy slowed them down by stumbling on the stoop, and was struck by another comparison, wondering if this was how he had looked to passersby earlier that evening when he had raised his voice at his own inadequately clothed son. He needed to do better. He would do better. Life was stressful right now, but this situation was a temporary setback. He couldn't let anything that was going on with money or his not having a job hurt his relationship with Jeremy. He wouldn't let himself turn into Liz.
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Later that night after Jeremy and Winston had gone to bed, Jess dug an old peacoat out of the back of the hall closet. It had been a Christmas gift from Luke years ago that he hadn't worn very much and had forgotten about. It wasn't really his style, but it was very warm and he thought Jeremy would look cute in it, all academic and dead poets society-ish. He laid the coat out on the couch along with an extra scarf that Charisse's mother had made him and his own warm gloves and knit hat. He would buy another hat and another pair of gloves, but if anyone was going without something around here, even just for a day or two, it was going to be him. He ripped a page off the notepad on the fridge and jotted a quick message, his hand hesitating at the end, then plunging forward, wanting to give Jeremy something too, before laying the note on top of the coat: Jeremy, See if this fits. Thank you for your contribution. Love, Dad.