Chapter 16 Notes: Chapter 16 already? This might end up being my longest story yet. I still feel like I have quite a bit of story to tell before I wrap this one up. In this chapter, things get a little worse, but I promise they will get better soon. Thanks to everyone who is still reading and especially to those of you who have left me reviews. You guys make me very happy. :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.
Jeremy sniffled in the cold as he walked to school on Friday in Jess's old coat and hat, feeling cozy and cared for, and thinking about the note Jess had left with it. After reading it, he had folded it carefully and tucked it into the shoe box in his closet where he kept his important stuff. Not that he had much in the way of treasures. The box housed the only picture he had of his mother, along with a handful of pictures of himself as a kid, some formal school pictures and some that foster parents had taken over the years and let him have. None of the pictures brought back particularly happy memories, but they were the only record he had of his childhood and he wanted to hold onto them. He had started keeping them when a foster mom who was sending him back had given him a picture she had taken of him at bat during a little league game, looking calm and focused, right before he had hit the first double of his life. He had been proud of that hit and he had wanted to keep the photo to show it to the family that eventually adopted him. He had been sure they would want to see it and that they would be proud of him, too. Later, when his forever family still hadn't materialized, he had started keeping the pictures for himself, as a kind of proof that he had existed, even if no one else had cared about that but him.
Jess hadn't acknowledged the note this morning. He'd just smiled and asked Jeremy if the coat fit all right and if he liked it as he had cooked eggs for their breakfast. Jeremy had thanked him, assuring him the coat was great. So were the hat and gloves and scarf. Jeremy had been tempted to say thanks, dad, as a joke, but he has wussed out at the last minute, unsure if he could pull it off. He had wanted to say it in a way that looked like he was being funny so that he could gage Jess's reaction to being called dad while he himself appeared indifferent to it. But, he was never good at hiding his emotions and he had been afraid that a lifetime of longing and neediness would be reflected openly and embarrassingly in his voice and on his face. In the end, he had gone with a thank you, Jess.
He thought now about how they referred to each other. How Jess had used the term 'dad' twice now in writing, to sign this note and also to describe himself as the 'luckiest dad ever' in the crude family portrait Jeremy had stuck to the fridge as kind of a joke. Jess had also told him that he wanted to be his dad, and he had introduced him to his friends as his son. But, Jeremy had never used anything other than Jess to address his foster father. He wasn't sure if he should since Jess had never told him to call him anything else. It felt like too big of a step, too presumptuous a move to make without being asked. Maybe Jess wanted to be Jeremy's dad, but was more comfortable being called Jess. Or maybe he was waiting for Jeremy to start calling him dad on his own. If that was the case, Jess might be waiting a long time. The idea felt scary to Jeremy, that he might be setting himself up for rejection. Jess had told him to call him Jess on his first night with him and maybe he was still good with that. Jeremy wasn't sure he wanted to risk making things awkward by bringing it up.
They also hadn't talked about whether he would take Jess's last name when he was adopted. He wanted to. But he had no idea what Jess thought about the idea. Jeremy Mariano. He rolled the name around in his head, trying it on for size. He liked the thought of the visible connection to Jess and also the idea of having a new name to go with his new family and new life. Jeremy Mariano could be a normal guy when he headed off to college, one with a real parent to call and visit, just like everybody else. Hi, I'm Jeremy Mariano, and this is my dad. He liked the sound of that. He knew it was probably greedy, but he wanted everything that went with being part of a family. He wanted the labels that announced who they were to each other so there was no confusion. He wanted to call Jess dad, and he wanted Jess to call him son, which he could only picture happening if Jess was in a corny mood. He wanted to share a last name. He wanted a lifetime of family memories that he could use to comfort himself like a soft blanket when life was hard or when he felt alone.
Jeremy knew he would likely follow Jess's lead on all of it. He didn't see himself calling his foster father dad unless he was invited to. The same went for changing his name. He knew he wasn't brave enough to ask for these things no matter how much he wanted them. Not when the cost of rejection felt so high. He told himself that words were just words. Whether he was able to call Jess dad or not was nowhere near as important as the fact that he had a dad. And he did. He had the note squirreled away in his closet to prove it. And soon he would have adoption papers, too. Hopefully. As long as Jess's unemployment didn't keep it from happening. Jeremy pulled a tissue out of his pocket and wiped at his runny nose. There was no use worrying about any of that now. He balled up the tissue and shoved it back in his pocket. He walked through the school gate and started scanning the huddled groups of students for Melissa.
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On Saturday afternoon, Jess was sitting at the dining room table with his laptop looking at job postings and trying to keep his internal stressing under control and hidden from Jeremy, who was sitting at a right angle to Jess, clicking sluggishly on his own laptop as he worked on a paper for school. The boy sniffled loudly. His cold seemed to be getting worse and Jess had been trying to keep an eye on it. He had whipped up a batch of his special cold-fighting kale, cucumber and garlic smoothies in his cheap replacement blender and two large glasses of the dark green concoction sat on the table, Jess's almost empty in his bid to resist whatever bug Jeremy was coming down with, and Jeremy's barely touched after the boy's initial reaction to the bitter tasting drink.
Jess had his eyes on his screen when he heard a sharp clink, followed by the contents of Jeremy's glass pouring onto his keyboard. "Shit!" Jess yelled as he reflexively jerked back from his computer. He quickly reached out to stand up Jeremy's glass with what little green liquid remained inside. He flipped his laptop upside down to minimize the damage and rushed over to the counter, pulling a handful of paper towels off the roll and blotting at his keyboard. He felt an uptick in his stress level and he focused on calming the frenetic pulsing in his brain. He looked up then and saw Jeremy frozen in a cower at the table, the textbook he had been reaching for in the center of the table still raised in his hand, his eyes wide with fear. Jess took a deep breath, knowing this could go one of two ways. He could handle this like Liz would have when he had been a kid, yell and rage, blame the kid, and take out his anger and frustration on Jeremy for what he knew had been an accident. And end up with a damaged laptop and a damaged child. Or he could maintain perspective, accept what happened like an adult and not hurt his relationship with his kid.
Jeremy spoke first, his voice scared and shaky. "I'm sorry, Jess. I can't believe I just did that. I'm so sorry." Jess felt a measure of shame, knowing that his recent behavior likely had a lot to do with the boy's apprehension. He knew he had been quicker to anger since he had lost his job, occasionally snapping at Jeremy and not doing the best job of keeping his temper in check and being calm.
Jess took another deep breath as he got his thoughts in order. He loved Jeremy. This was an accident. Everything was going to be ok. He forced a smile onto his face and kept his voice playful and light as he continued to dab at the keyboard with the paper towels, drops of green liquid still slowly draining from the upended keyboard into the sink. "Oh, you've really done it now, kid!"
Jeremy was standing now, but still keeping his distance, hovering by the table. "I'm sorry, Jess. I'm so sorry." The boy sounded sorry, and a little nervous, but not as fearful as before. Jess thought about the position he was in as a parent and how his words and reactions had so much power over Jeremy's feelings and sense of self-worth. He thought about how Liz's words had held the power to tear him down and shape his childhood into something ugly. And, how he wanted to do so much better for Jeremy.
"Oh, man!" Jess could feel his grin turning genuine, his voice exaggerated nonsense. "You are in for it now, my friend. You do know what they say about spilled milk, right? That you shouldn't cry over it, but you should beat the snot out of whoever spilled it."
Jess heard the boy huff out a soft laugh, and he looked up from the keyboard to his foster son with a warm smile. "At least you knew I was kidding. That's something."
Jeremy gave Jess a very small and brief smile. The boy's hands were still shoved into the pockets of his hoodie, but his posture looked less hunched and fearful. He looked calmer now. "I am really sorry."
"I know you are, Jeremy. It's ok."
"I feel like an idiot."
"Don't. It was just an accident. These things happen. I'm not mad." Jess finished blotting at his keyboard and set the laptop down on the counter, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. "It should be fine once it dries, but if it's not, we'll deal with it. Everything will be ok, either way. All right?"
Jeremy nodded, not looking entirely convinced.
"Hey, the computer is just a thing. It can be replaced. No hard feelings, ok?"
When Jeremy's only response was to furrow his brow in worry, Jess walked over to his foster son and reached an arm out to cup the back of the boy's neck. "It's ok. Really." Jess smiled and moved his palm to the back of the boy's head, tipping it forward so he could land a kiss on the top of Jeremy's hair. Jess pulled back, leaving his hand on Jeremy's neck, squeezing gently. "Everything's fine, Jeremy. This is really not a big deal. I love you way too much to want you to be upset over something like this."
"I love you, too." Jeremy took a step toward Jess, eyes down, arms reaching out shyly, hands almost covered by the sleeves of his sweatshirt as he closed the gap between them. Jess felt Jeremy's arms snake around his back and squeeze him tightly. He liked the idea that Jeremy was comfortable enough with him now to initiate a hug when he needed one. Jess wrapped his arms around the boy and hugged him back. "My poor, sniffly, clumsy little boy."
Jess heard a laugh muffled against his shoulder and smiled to himself, waiting for Jeremy to pull out of the hug first. Some days were better than others. Some moments it was easy to be magnanimous. Patient, understanding and kind. To do everything right and make no mis-steps. Jess basked in the glow of his own successful parenting. He felt like super-dad. Like Heathcliff Huxtable and Eric Camden all rolled into one man with better hair. He felt proud of how capable he was. He felt like anything was possible, and that everything really was going to be ok. He knew he needed to savor moments like these, that they weren't the norm, and he should hold onto them for as long as possible when he was lucky enough to get one.
Jess felt Jeremy start to pull away and he reluctantly released his hold on the boy. "What do you say we take this little fur ball for a walk?" Jess gestured to where Winston was licking the drops of smoothie that had landed on the floor between Jess's chair and the sink. "I'm guessing he's going to be pretty gassy after that, so it's probably safer to be outdoors for a while."
Jeremy laughed and nodded. "Sure." They put on their coats, with Jess insisting on the whole hat, gloves, scarf combo for Jeremy since he was getting sick, and they took their dog for a walk. It wasn't until later that night after Jeremy had gone to bed and Jess was unable to get any response when he tried to boot up his laptop that he let himself feel frustrated about what had happened.
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By Monday morning, Jeremy's sniffles had become a full-blown flu. He woke up feeling miserable. His head hurt. He could barely breathe through his nose. And his whole body seemed to ache. He got out of bed and dragged himself into the kitchen. Jess took one look at him and his expression turned to concern. He told Jeremy to either go back to bed or lie down on the couch. He wasn't going anywhere today. School would just have to get along without him. Jeremy figured he should head back to bed, not wanting to be in Jess's way or get him sick, too, but before he had time to head to his room, Jess had beat him to it, grabbing his pillow and blanket from his bed and setting him up on the couch with a box of tissues and the television remote.
It was the best sick day Jeremy ever had. He spent the whole day lying on the couch watching television, which was nice, but the best part was that Jess spent it with him, sitting on the comfy chair next to the couch when Jeremy wanted to stretch out, or on the other end of the couch when Jeremy wanted to sit up. Jess had been using Jeremy's laptop since his had died over the weekend, or been killed, Jeremy figured that was more accurate, but Jess didn't go online all day on Monday. He gave Jeremy his undivided attention. They binge watched The Wire. Jess ran out for Gatorade and soup and kept Jeremy in a constant supply of both, along with hot tea and warm cinnamon toast. Jess took Jeremy's temperature and gave him tylenol and an ice pack for the back of his neck to help with his headache. At one point, when Jeremy's head had been particularly aching, Jess had perched on the arm of the couch behind him and massaged his temples. It had felt amazing. Jeremy had loved being the center of Jess's attention.
By Tuesday, Jeremy was feeling a little bit better. He was still sick, but he felt like he could survive a day at school if he had to. But he really didn't want to. He told himself he was probably still germy and contagious and should rightly quarantine himself for another day to keep from getting everyone else at school sick, too. He had played up his misery in front of Jess that morning, not outright lying, but looking tired and awful enough that Jess kept him home again. Tuesday felt like Monday on repeat, except that Jeremy didn't feel quite as miserable and could enjoy it even more.
The only significant difference between the two days came early on Tuesday evening when Jess's phone buzzed. Before he scooped it off the coffee table, Jeremy caught a glimpse at the caller. Luke. Jeremy tried not to be obvious as he watched Jess decline the call and darken the screen, holding the phone idly in one hand on the seat of the chair beside him. Jeremy knew Jess was avoiding Luke's calls. Luke usually texted Jeremy a few times a week, sometimes with pictures of Paul Anka or Leelee doing something particularly cute, or with a link to an article about baseball or woodworking that he thought Jeremy would find interesting, and sometimes just to chat and ask how school was going. But the other day his text had asked if Jess was super busy at work. That he couldn't seem to get ahold of him lately. Jeremy hadn't responded at all, not knowing how to answer that without lying. And he only had to think about the peanut allergy incident to be reminded how badly things turned out when he lied. He wanted to ask Jess about it, but he knew it wasn't really any of his business. And, he could understand Jess being embarrassed to tell Luke about losing his job. He could. But, he hated watching Jess shut Luke out, too, when he was sure that Luke would only want to help his nephew.
Jeremy refocused on the television, one hand reaching down off the couch to pet Winston. He heard Jess sigh and he looked back at his foster father.
"That was Luke."
"Oh, yeah?" Jeremy asked innocently.
"Yeah." Jess was giving him a 'cut the bullshit' look, and Jeremy felt himself blush. "I'm not avoiding him or anything. I just…." Jess sighed again. "I just want to wait to talk to him until I have some good news. I don't want to tell him that I lost my job without having something good to tell him, too. Luke worries. A lot. I don't want to dump this on him and make him worry even more."
Jeremy nodded. "I get it." Jeremy wasn't sure if Jess really wanted his opinion or if he had just felt the need to explain himself since he knew Jeremy had seen who the caller was. "I bet he'd want to know, though. So, he could be there for you."
"He probably would. But, I just kind of want to get through this on my own."
"But, maybe Luke could help." Jeremy averted his eyes, an uneasy feeling in his stomach. He hoped he wasn't overstepping. He really didn't want to offend Jess.
"Oh, yeah? How?" Jeremy could hear a little sarcasm in Jess's question, but he stood behind what he said and wanted to give his foster father an honest answer.
"I don't know, with connections or something. Maybe he knows someone who's hiring."
Jess barked out a laugh, not really amused, but not angry-sounding either. "You, me and April are the only connections Luke has outside of Stars Hollow. Trust me. So, unless I'm looking to get hooked up with a job at Al's Pancake World, I really doubt he could help me find work." Jess paused. "He would want to send us money. And I don't want that. I don't think we're that desperate." Jeremy could feel the 'yet' that Jess had left unsaid hanging in the air.
"Maybe just talking to him would help. Talking to you about stuff that stresses me out usually helps."
Jess sighed. "I'm glad to hear that."
"So." Jeremy prompted tentatively. "Maybe it would be the same for you."
Jess gave Jeremy a look he couldn't read. It could be Jess considering what Jeremy said or a warning to back off.
Jeremy made one last effort. "And, if you keep avoiding him, isn't he going to think something's wrong and worry anyway?"
Jess chuckled softly. "You make a good point. I'll call him back." Jess set the phone back down on the coffee table. "Later."
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Wednesday morning Jeremy walked into the kitchen looking better than he had in a few days. "Hey, look who looks alive!" Jess greeted him. "You look much better. How are you feeling?" Jess smiled broadly to mask the rising anxiety he felt at the idea of Jeremy returning to school and leaving him without a purpose to justify his escape from reality. The last two days had felt like a reprieve for Jess. He had focused on the task at hand, of caring for and bonding with his sick kid, and he had blocked everything else out. His world had narrowed to just his little family of three, his living room, and the 7/11 on the corner. He had taken refuge on the couch and allowed himself to get lost in the world of Omar Little and Stringer Bell and he had been able to put his real-life stress out of his mind for the longest stretch of time since he'd lost his job. But, now he'd need to face reality again. And deal with stuff. He hated that.
The boy smiled. "Much better. I can breathe through my nose and everything."
"Yeah?" Jess laid his palm across the boy's forehead. "You sure you're good? You still feel a little warm. You can stay home one more day if you're not feeling a hundred percent yet." Jess felt a flash of guilt as soon as the words were out of his mouth. What kind of asshole parent isn't happy to see their sick kid recovered and feeling better? What the hell was wrong with him? He had been Eric Camden just a few short days ago. How the hell had he turned into Eminem's mother?
Jeremy gave Jess a small, sad smile. "I would love to hang out with you and Winston again today, but I've got a Spanish quiz that I probably shouldn't miss." Jess felt a swell of bone-deep shame at his own pathetic transparency.
"Yeah, of course." Jess filled his voice with fake exuberance. "You don't want to miss that." Jess wondered how prepared the kid could possibly be for the quiz and felt like a bad parent for letting Jeremy spend the last two days frying his brain in front of the television instead of making any effort to keep up with his school work. The last two days had been the break that Jess had so desperately needed from his own reality, but they probably hadn't been the right thing for Jeremy. "I mean, quizzes, they're a good time, right?" Jess knew he needed to just stop talking.
Jess's phony cheer was met with sincerity from his foster son. "I really appreciate you taking care of me the last two days, Jess. I want you to know that."
"What? Hey, of course." Jess smiled genuinely now. "You're my kid. I'm your dad. It's in the job description."
Jess watched Jeremy's expression momentarily shift into one of careful study, and Jess wondered what he was thinking. The boy smiled softly. "No one's ever been that good to me when I've been sick before. Maybe my mom, back when I was too little to remember, but no one else since her. Even though I felt like crap, I had a really good couple of days with you. So, thanks."
Jess smiled warmly. "You don't have to thank me, Jeremy. I had a really good time with you, too. I always do." Jess's smile turned into a grin. "But, today, it's back to the coal mines for you."
"Yes, it is." "You and Winston aren't going to watch The Wire without me, are you?"
"I don't really feel comfortable speaking for Winston in this situation, but I, personally, wouldn't dream of it."
Jeremy grinned. "Cool." "Oh, hey, is it ok if I go over to Melissa's after school today? We haven't seen each other in a few days because I was sick and everything…."
"Yes, of course, you can go to Melissa's."
"Ok. Thanks. And, I'll text if I'm going to be later than ten, ok?"
"Sure. That works." "Or, hey, maybe just don't be later than ten!" Jess shrugged exaggeratedly. He knew ten was an early curfew for a senior, but it's what he was comfortable with for school nights. They lived in the city and Jess worried about all the things that could happen to Jeremy out on his own late at night.
Jeremy laughed. "Ok. I'll be back by ten, then."
"Glad we got that cleared up." Jess steered the boy toward the table with a hand on his shoulder. "Now sit down for breakfast." Jess plated the eggs and toast and carried them to the table. So, now he had all day and most of the night on his own to look forward to, some quality alone time to deal with his shit. Fan-fucking-tastic.
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Jess was having a tough morning. Jeremy had needed to take his laptop to school for some group meeting he had for a history project, and Jess felt at loose ends without his. He felt powerless. He should be searching for a job right now, and it was adding to his anxiety that he couldn't. He kept kicking around the idea of running out to buy a new computer, but the thought of spending a few hundred dollars in his current situation made him feel queasy and brought on so much stress that it left him immobilized.
He spent a couple of hours making an effort at being productive, trying to keep his worries over money and the adoption at bay by keeping his hands busy. He cleaned the apartment and reorganized his bedroom. He almost moved on to Jeremy's room, but then he thought about how much it had annoyed him whenever Luke had touched his stuff or gone through his things when he had been Jeremy's age, and he stopped himself. By eleven o'clock he felt like he would lose it if he stayed in the apartment for another minute. He needed to go for a run to clear his head and try to make his mind stop spinning with stress, or at least slow down the urgent pulsing in his head a bit. He felt like his life had developed its own unwelcome soundtrack, a frenetic backbeat, thrumming frantically at the edge of his consciousness, a constant reminder of how quickly time was rushing by with no resolution to his problems in sight.
Winston was waiting by the door looking eager when Jess emerged from his bedroom in his running pants and hoodie.
"Sorry, buddy." Jess spoke to Winston as he sat down on the couch to put on his sneakers. "You can't come with me right now." The old dog was a slow walker, never mind a runner.
The dog let out a soft whine and walked over to the couch, looking up at Jess with sad eyes.
"Daddy needs some alone time to think so he doesn't have a great big meltdown and completely lose his shit. You can understand that, can't you, little guy?" Jess finished tying his shoelaces and looked up, making eye contact with his distressed dog. Winston thrust his nose up toward Jess, pushing at his thigh, the dog's feet tapping an antsy beat against the strip of hardwood between the couch and the area rug. Winston let out a plaintive whine. Jess ran a hand over the dog's head, looking into his trusting eyes, feeling overcome by the urge to not disappoint someone who had faith in him. He sighed and petted Winston behind his ears. "All right, boy. You win. I suppose I can run after we go for a walk."
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Walking with Winston wasn't the endorphin rush that Jess had wanted. They had been outside for about forty-five minutes and had probably only covered a little over a mile, going at Winston's slow pace and stopping to smell every tree and stare at every squirrel they came across. Being out in the fresh air was nice, but the walk hadn't done enough to distract Jess from his worries about Jeremy's adoption that was scheduled for next week. He knew he needed to call the social worker and tell her what happened and make sure he would still be allowed to go through with the adoption. He kept reassuring Jeremy that everything was going to be fine, but he really didn't know what the rules were regarding losing his job. He highly doubted that DCFS was ok with just handing out kids to unemployed adults with no meaning of caring for them financially. He wanted the chance to plead his case to Ms. Garcia before the court date. Jeremy would turn eighteen the week after the adoption and it's not like there was anyone else lining up for the chance to be his parent and love him for the rest of his life. He saw this as a special circumstance, and he hoped Ms. Garcia did as well.
In hindsight, he figured he should have waited to apply for his unemployment benefits. If he had put that off until after the adoption, maybe they could have squeaked by without anyone at DCFS knowing he had lost his job. He could have worked it out with Chris and Matthew to drag out his official termination until after the adoption so that his lack of employment wouldn't have registered on any last minute background checks. They could have kept him on payroll for a few more weeks in lieu of his severance check. They would have helped him if he had asked them. Instead of panicking and losing his shit on them. He still felt ashamed about how he had handled that. He needed to start making better decisions, being better in general. It wasn't just his own life he was responsible for anymore.
Jess felt his phone vibrate and pulled it out of his pocket to read the text. Luke wanted to know if he and Jeremy wanted to come to Stars Hollow the following Saturday for a family dinner to celebrate Jeremy's birthday and his adoption. Jess was still on the fence about how much of his current predicament he wanted to share with Luke, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to make it through a weekend in Stars Hollow without Luke asking about his job. Jess hadn't spoken to Luke on the phone since it happened, limiting their interaction to texting where he felt more comfortable about having the time to field questions without lying, or ignoring them altogether when he couldn't. But, he knew he couldn't keep this up forever. He missed talking to his uncle, and he felt guilty at the idea that Luke probably missed talking to him, too. And it's not like he would be able to afford anything special enough for Jeremy's birthday himself. And Jeremy really liked spending time in Stars Hollow. Jess made himself think through the decision for the rest of the walk, not responding until they were about to turn onto their street and head home, when he texted back that it sounded good to him. That he'd run it by Jeremy and get back to Luke.
Jess smelled it before he saw anything, his eyes still on his phone, finishing his text as he and Winston turned the corner. He heard a rush of activity, fast footsteps and sharp crackling. The wail of a siren in the distance, growing louder. He looked up to see one long red fire truck blocking his narrow street, and firefighters moving quickly, pulling the hose off the truck. Raising the ladder. Rushing toward the building. He caught a glimpse of the woman who lived on the first floor, standing across the street, wrapped in a black wool blanket and clutching her son to her, both their eyes wide with terror as they watched. He felt the panic before he even laid eyes on the flames that were engulfing an entire side of the building he lived in. Fucking hell.