Chapter 19 Notes: Thanks to all the lovely readers out there who made this such a good week for me. The last chapter I posted got 12 reviews! That may not sound like very much, but it's a personal record for me. :) Thank you guys so much for taking the time to send me your thoughts and reactions to my little story. It means so much to me. There is nothing better than hearing from someone who is eager for the next chapter. :) So, here it is, the follow up to last week, picking up with the boys right where we left them. I hope you guys enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jeremy stared at the floor, wiping at his eyes and hating himself for crying. He hated that he couldn't handle confrontation, especially confrontation with Jess, without breaking down. He felt like such a loser. He hated that he had yelled back at Jess about calling off the adoption and sending him back. He would only have himself to blame now if Jess took him up on it. He hated how this fight had brought him back in time to the ending of every foster placement he had ever been in. He felt seven years old again, and nine, and ten and eleven and every other age he had been when every other foster parent didn't want to keep him and be his real mom or dad. Jeremy tried to get himself under control. No wonder no one ever wanted him. He was so pathetic. He couldn't think of a reason why anyone would.

Jeremy looked over toward Jess, who had taken a few steps back and turned away from him. His foster father was standing still with his hands clasped together on the back of his head taking deep breaths to calm himself down, his posture reminding Jeremy of a runner cooling down after a race. Jeremy took a few gulping breaths, trying to do the same.

After a few long minutes, Jess dropped his arms to his sides and turned to face his foster son. "Ok." Jeremy heard the gentleness in those two syllables and it brought him back to the night he had first been dropped off in Jess's apartment, when he had broken down at the kitchen table and Jess had rubbed his back and told him everything was going to be ok. The memory made him cry harder at the idea that he had been given someone kind this time, but he had still ended up in the same situation as always. "I didn't mean to say that, Jeremy. I didn't mean to imply that I don't consider myself your real father. Of course I do. I'm about to adopt you. I'm your real dad. You're my real kid. I just, I thought you were going to argue with me about being grounded…...and, I don't know, I guess I thought you were going to use that as your argument, so I wanted to cut you off before you could say that to me. I think maybe I was trying to protect myself. I didn't mean to hurt you like that. It was a stupid thing to say and I'm sorry."

Jeremy looked up at his foster father, taking in his significantly calmer demeanor than that of a few minutes ago. Jeremy was grateful that Jess cared enough to always be gentle with him and treat him with kindness when he cried, but he also felt ashamed that at just a few days shy of eighteen the situation came up as often as it did. "I'm sorry, too."

Jess sighed deeply. "Ok. Everything is ok." Jess sounded like maybe he was trying to convince himself. Jeremy watched him reach a hand up to cup the back of his neck. "What do you say we start over? I don't want either of us to go to bed this upset. Come sit down with me and let's talk about this like the calm, rational people I know we can be." Jess walked in between the two double beds and sat down on the side of his bed. He indicated for Jeremy to do the same, and he did, sitting across from Jess on his own bed. Winston took one more look at Jess and Jeremy before curling up in his bed on the floor.

Jess reached out and set his hand on Jeremy's knee, gently shaking it side to side. "Are you ok?"

Jeremy nodded as he wiped away the remaining wetness from his eyes. He looked at his foster father and was relieved to see the familiar warmth in his eyes, and even though the man wasn't smiling, his expression held no anger for the first time since Jeremy had gotten back to the motel. Jess gave his knee a gentle squeeze before pulling his arm back and resting his palms on his thighs.

"So, how was the band?" Jeremy was surprised at the question and Jess quirked one side of his mouth up in a half smile.

"They were ok." Jeremy spoke softly and tentatively. "They were, uh, really loud." It had been hard for Jeremy to enjoy the show with guilt gnawing away in his stomach over the worry he knew he had to be causing Jess.

Jess laughed softly, before his expression became serious, his voice firm. "Why did you do this, Jeremy? You're a smart kid. A considerate kid. You had to know how crazy it would make me when you didn't come home and I had no idea where you were and no way to get in touch with you. You did realize I would be worried about you, didn't you?"

Jeremy nodded again. He knew his face had to be red with shame. Of course he had known Jess would be worried. It had just been so easy to convince himself that he would worry about Jess later when Melissa has asked him to go. "Yeah. I knew you'd be worried. I'm sorry. I don't…...I don't have a good reason for what I did. I shouldn't have done it. I know that. And I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean much now, but I am."

"I appreciate the apology, but you're right. Apologizing after you get caught in a lie doesn't mean all that much." Jess paused, giving his comment time to sink in, and Jeremy felt tears pooling in his eyes again. "Was this the plan from the beginning? When you texted me today to ask if you could go to Melissa's after school, were you already planning on heading to New York instead?"

Jeremy shook his head emphatically. "No, I swear! I really thought we were just going to hang out at her house like usual, or go grab food or something. She didn't say anything about the show until we were at her house. A friend of hers came over. This guy Eli that she grew up with. He's a freshman at Villanova. I'd never met him before and Melissa introduced me as her boyfriend. It was the first time she's ever called me that. And the guy knew Melissa's sister and he brought up the show and they both wanted to go, and I don't know….." Jeremy looked down now, embarrassed. "I was the only one who had to be home by a certain time, and I didn't want them to go without me. And Melissa was trying to convince me to go, saying that she wanted us to have an adventure together before I moved to Connecticut, something that we would always remember and that would make us think of each other." Jeremy shrugged slowly, not wanting to look flippant, but not having any real answer for his behavior.

Jess nodded solemnly. "And, you didn't think you should talk to me or at least let me know that you were going? I was really worried back here, Jeremy. I don't know if you really understand how scared I was tonight, but let me tell you, my night really sucked."

Jeremy averted his eyes, landing his gaze on Winston's sleeping form, watching the dog's rib cage rise and fall with each breath. "I thought if I asked you if I could go that you'd say no." It sounded stupid to Jeremy when he heard it out loud, like an explanation a five year old would give for not asking permission to do something they knew was wrong.

"Fair enough. I might have. But, if you had pleaded your case, I might have given in. You are about to turn eighteen. I can't guarantee I would have let you go, but you should have talked to me anyway. I didn't deserve to spend the night as worried as I was. It was awful. I kept imagining all these horrible things that could have happened to you."

Jeremy felt a lone tear spill out of his eye and run down his face. He caught it at his jaw with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry. I'll never do anything like that again. I'm so sorry."

"I know you're sorry now, but a few minutes ago you were still willing to lie to me about where you'd been. That's not ok, Jeremy. That really hurts."

Jeremy felt a few more tears leaking from his eyes and he brushed them away, disgusted with himself. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied. I'm so sorry, Jess."

"No, you shouldn't have. I didn't deserve that either. Why didn't you at least text me at ten, when you knew I was expecting you to text for a ride home? You were already in New York. It's not like I could have done anything about it at that point, but I at least would have known where you were and when you'd be home."

"I honestly did forget my phone at Melissa's. It's still there now."

"You know my number, don't you? Why didn't you text me from Melissa's phone?"

Jeremy cringed at the question. "I should have. It's just, neither of them were checking in with their parents. I didn't want to look like a little kid….sorry, it's so stupid. You're right. I should have texted you from Melissa's phone."

"I would have really appreciated it if you had. And, Jeremy, I get that you're really into Melissa. I remember what it's like to be your age and really into a girl. When I was seventeen, and living back in New York with Liz briefly, this girl I was really into in Stars Hollow skipped school and took the bus to New York to see me. She didn't tell her mother she was going and she ended up missing a pretty important family event. And, I didn't care that she skipped school or missed her family stuff. I was just glad she came and that I got to spend time with her. So, I do remember what it's like to be young and so excited about the person you're with that you'll do stupid, selfish shit to spend time with them. But, if I'm ever going to let you out of this motel room again, I need to know that I can trust you, and you basically showed me that I couldn't tonight."

Jeremy nodded again as another tear ran down his cheek. "I'm sorry. I'll never do anything like this again. I'll never lie to you again. I promise."

Jess nodded. "That's what you said the last time you lied to me. About the peanut allergy. So, you'll understand if I don't completely trust your promise this time."

Jeremy was mortified. He wanted to hide his face in his hands, but he knew he owed Jess the respect of looking at him and listening to him like an adult. "I understand. You're right."

"So, the last time you lied, I told you that we all do stupid things sometimes, but I accepted your apology and life went on. You remember that, right?"

Jeremy nodded his head, knowing they were getting to his punishment and feeling more embarrassed than he had since the peanut allergy incident.

"But, since this is the second time you've lied to me, coupled with you leaving the state without telling me and missing your curfew by five hours, I think I need to do more than that this time. Can you understand where I'm coming from here?"

Jeremy nodded. He felt his face warming and knew he must be blushing like crazy at this point. He couldn't believe that with less than a week until his eighteenth birthday, he had gotten himself in a position where Jess felt like he had to punish him like a little kid. He was so ashamed of himself.

"So, you're grounded. I need to think about this overnight, though. I'll let you know how long you're grounded for in the morning. But, you aren't going to be leaving this room except to go to school until we leave for Stars Hollow. You can take your phone with you to school in case you need to reach me or there's an emergency or something, but as soon as you get home, I'm going to take it away from you until the next morning. After we move next week, it'll be the same at Luke's apartment. You won't leave except for school. You won't even go down to the diner while you're grounded. Do you understand?"

Jeremy could feel silent tears running down his face now. "But, Jess-."

"Jeremy." Jess's voice wasn't angry, but it was as stern as Jeremy had ever heard it before tonight. "If you're about to argue with me over your punishment, I want you to first think very carefully about what you're going to say. Ok?"

Jeremy nodded. "I'm not going to argue with you. I know I deserve to be punished for what I did tonight. Lying, going to New York without asking you, not texting you all night, all of it."

"Good, then we're in agreement."

"Yeah. But, uh…"

"Spit it out, Jeremy. What do you want to say?" Jess sounded impatient and Jeremy started to worry that what he wanted to ask for would set Jess off again.

"I just, uh. I only have like one more week with Melissa, and I, uh….I guess I wanted to know if there's any way my punishment could be postponed until we get to Stars Hollow. Like maybe I could have this week with Melissa and then you could tack on extra time after we move to make up for it. If that's ok."

Jess nodded thoughtfully, and when he spoke, his voice was gentle again. "Let me think about it. I'll give you an answer tomorrow morning. Does that sound fair?"

"Yeah. That's more than fair. Thanks."

Jess patted Jeremy's knee. "All right. What do you say we get ready for bed? It's been a long night."

"Yeah, it has."

As Jess stood up, he leaned forward and cupped the back of Jeremy's head, landing a kiss on top of his hair. "I love you, Jeremy. And I'm glad you're home safe." He turned and started to walk toward the bathroom.

"Hey, Jess."

Jess stopped and turned to face Jeremy who was still sitting on his bed. "Yeah?"

"I love you, too. And, thank you. For everything. For just always being so nice to me. Even tonight, even after I was such a jerk and I don't deserve it."

Jess huffed out a soft laugh. "I don't feel like I was being very nice earlier." Jess made a face. "I was actually kind of a dick. How I was talking to you wasn't ok. I'm sorry for losing it on you like that."

"It's ok. I know you were mad. You had a right to be. I'm just glad you don't hate me."

Jess took the two steps back over to Jeremy and put one hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. "Hey, don't even think that. I could never hate you."

Jeremy stood up and wrapped his arms around Jess's middle, hugging tightly. He felt Jess's arms circle around him, making him feel safe and loved. He knew there was no way he could ever really convey to Jess what the man had done for him and how grateful he was for him every single day, even when he was in trouble. He knew that a person who had never experienced being truly alone in the world, without anyone who made them feel loved or special, couldn't fully understand the gift that Jess had given him. Jeremy felt Jess rubbing his back softly and resting one hand on the back of his head. Just this alone, something as simple as being forgiven and still wanted after doing something wrong, and finally having someone that he could hug whenever he wanted. This was so much. Jess had no idea.

"Oh, hey, one more thing. I spoke to Ms. Garcia today."

Jeremy pulled back and met Jess's eyes, expectant and nervous. "What did she say about tomorrow?"

Jess smiled warmly and Jeremy knew that no matter what Jess said next, everything was going to be ok. Jess loved him no matter what. Even when he was a total shit like he'd been tonight. He felt like they could get through anything.

"So, tomorrow's a no-go. Apparently, they don't just hand out kids to homeless, unemployed people. Who knew?" Jess shrugged and feigned exaggerated surprise at the idea. Jeremy could tell from Jess's casual attitude that there was a 'but' coming and that everything was going to work out. "But, once you turn eighteen, all bets are off. You can be adopted by anyone you want then."

"Seriously? You can adopt me when I turn eighteen? That's a thing?" Jeremy could feel his cheeks stretching into a grin.

"That it is, my friend." Jess's grin matched his own. "I can adopt the shit out of you at that point. We'll probably need to wait until we get to Connecticut and do it there, but DCFS will have no say in it once you're an adult. You can get adopted by any homeless, jobless loser you want and DCFS won't be able to do anything about it."

He was going to be adopted. It was really going to happen. Jeremy lunged toward Jess, wrapping his arms around him again, squeezing tightly in his excitement, the side of his face pressed against Jess's shoulder. "Thank you so much, Jess."

"It's my pleasure, Jeremy." Jeremy could feel Jess carding a gentle hand through his hair. For a night that had started out scary and terrible, it was ending up one of the best of Jeremy's life. "It's all going to work out, kid. I'm going to be your dad. You're going to be my son." "And, DCFS can suck it."

Jeremy barked out a giddy laugh.

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"Hey. Hey, Jeremy." Jeremy heard Jess whispering his name and felt his hand on his back, gently nudging him into wakefulness. Jeremy let out a soft groan and burrowed deeper into his warm covers, curling up even further on his side, trying to ignore Jess, but the man persisted. The hand patted him twice on the back. "C'mon, Jeremy, it's time to get up." Jess's voice wasn't unkind, but Jeremy still didn't want to hear it. He pulled his pillow over his head, only to have it lifted off of him by his chuckling foster father. "You don't want to be late for school, do you?" Jeremy could hear the amusement in Jess's voice as he felt the pillow collide lightly against his shoulder and head. He groaned. "C'mon! Up and at 'em! Let's go!" Jeremy felt Jess's finger flick against his exposed ear, not hard enough to hurt, but enough to be really annoying. He heard more chuckling, and finally rolled onto his back to face his foster father with bleary eyes. Jess was standing over him with a warm smile on his face, and Jeremy couldn't stay annoyed at him.

"Do you really need to enjoy my misery this much?" Jeremy asked, his voice hoarse from not nearly enough sleep. He felt extra tired this morning.

"Hey, now." Jess's voice was playful. "This is the natural consequence of staying out until three in the morning on a Monday night. You reap what you sow, my friend. If you're looking for sympathy, you sure aren't going to find it here."

The events of the previous night came rushing back to Jeremy then, and he froze. "Oh, god. I forgot about last night. I'm so sorry, Jess."

"I know you are. I think you covered that last night. Or very early this morning to be more accurate."

Jeremy was lost in thought, not sure what to say, when he felt another light flick, this time on the side of his head. He groaned pitifully. "What's with all the flicking? Is that how Luke used to wake you up when you were in trouble?"

Jess smirked. "I never got in trouble with Luke. I was a model child."

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"Don't you have anything you want to ask me?"

"Huh?" It hit Jeremy then that whether he got to see Melissa outside of school before they left Philadelphia hinged on what Jess had decided about his punishment. He figured he was safe, that if it was bad news, Jess would have chosen a more serious moment to deliver it. "Oh, yeah. So, what did you decide about me being grounded?" Jeremy felt his face warming slightly at the word. He knew he deserved to be punished, but he still found it embarrassing to talk about.

Jess sat down on the edge of the bed and Jeremy scooted over a little to give him room. "I decided to give you a choice. You can be grounded for two weeks, starting today, so that would cover the rest of our time in Philly plus the first week in Stars Hollow. Or you can wait to start your punishment until we get to Connecticut, but then you'll be grounded for a month instead."

Jeremy didn't need to think it over. He knew he wanted to spend his last week with Melissa before they moved. A month was a long time, but Jeremy was grateful for the reprieve and he wasn't dumb enough to question Jess about it. "Can we do the second option?"

"Yep. Definitely. So, just so we're on the same page, you have one week of freedom, then you'll start being grounded the second we cross the state line into Connecticut next Wednesday, which is the twenty-first. After that, I don't want to see you on your phone or sticking a toe out of the apartment except for school until January twenty-first. Got it?"

Jeremy nodded silently, feeling a little down as the reality of the situation hit him. Being grounded for the first month at his new school didn't sound that bad. It's not like he ever made friends in the first few weeks at a new place anyway. But, it would suck not being able to see Jess's family at all, and it would be extra humiliating having them all know the reason why he wasn't allowed out of the apartment. He had been especially looking forward to spending Christmas with them after having such a good time at their family Thanksgiving. He also wondered if Jess would push back the adoption until after his grounding was over.

"Just to be clear, you will be allowed out if we end up getting your adoption set-up during that month. Ms. Garcia thinks it will take a month to get a court date, but I'm planning to call a lawyer in Connecticut today to try to get the process started. I'll take the earliest date I can get, even if it's while you're still grounded. I want to get this settled as soon as we can."

Jeremy smiled up at Jess, glad to know that Jess felt the adoption was too important to postpone because of his bad behavior.

"And, of course, Luke and everyone want to celebrate your birthday when we get there." Jess's voice was playful now. "So, you can leave the apartment for that, too, I suppose, since it would be pretty weird to celebrate it without you."

Jeremy felt a warm happiness spreading in his chest at the thought of having a forever family to celebrate his birthday with.

"And, I'm pretty sure Luke would kill me if I didn't bring you over to his place for Christmas with everyone. So, I guess I have to let you out for that, too, just for my own safety."

Jeremy watched Jess, taking in the affection in his eyes and the playful smirk on his lips, relieved that the man didn't seem angry with him anymore and that his grounding was going to be pretty gentle as far as punishments went. He knew he had been selfish and thoughtless and that he had messed up really badly and even though he was going to be made to pay for it once they got to Stars Hollow, he was grateful that Jess wasn't holding his misdeed over his head. That he was being genuinely forgiven with love and treated with compassion instead of being shut out or sent away. He was accustomed to relationships being terminated when he made mistakes, or when his attitude or behavior wasn't good enough. Having someone love him even when he'd been a jerk was just one more thing Jess had given him that he had never really believed he would have. It felt so normal, and safe.

Jess laughed at himself and patted Jeremy on the shoulder as he stood up. "Sorry to be such a hardass."

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Jess ran. He had layered his running hoodie over two long sleeve tee shirts, but he could still feel the cold. It was a frigid day and even at eleven o'clock in the morning he didn't necessarily feel safe in the neighborhood surrounding the motel, but he knew he needed the outlet. Last night had reinforced that for him. He still couldn't think about how badly he'd lost it without feeling ashamed of himself. He kept replaying the scene in his head, seeing himself up in Jeremy's face, his expression contorted in rage, banging on the wall like a madman, and Jeremy cowering, scared and tearful, in response. He didn't like the picture. He had honestly believed that he had found his way past his anger issues years ago. He knew he had had the right to be angry with Jeremy last night. Any parent would have been. But, he also knew he had gone too far.

It scared him how similar the interaction had felt to so many of the domestic scenes of his own childhood. Not with Luke. Luke had yelled, but he hadn't tried to intimidate or make Jess feel worthless and small. The handful of times they had really fought, over school and over Jimmy, Jess had been the one to get in Luke's face, never the other way around. Last night had reminded him of the encounters he had had with countless boyfriends and husbands of Liz's, and occasionally with Liz herself when she had been drunk and angry and in need of an outlet of her own. Jess's childhood had been populated with angry, bullying men who had no issue with taking out their frustrations over their own pathetic lives on a scared and helpless child. And last night, Jess had been just like them, his behavior the image of the men who had shaped him. He had stood aggressively close, bearing down on Jeremy, yelling and asking him if he was a moron. The only thing missing had been alcohol on his breath and physical violence. Jess thought about how often his altercations with Liz's partners had ending in him being slapped or pushed down or shoved into a wall. At the very least, he was thankful he hadn't let things escalate to something physical. He was embarrassed by how good it had felt to bash on the wall and scream at his faceless neighbor. He felt shitty enough as it was, but he couldn't imagine how much worse he would feel if he had put his hands on Jeremy. He kept picturing the scene playing out differently, with Jeremy talking back or giving him attitude and Jess just losing it on him, completing his metamorphosis into every angry man from his childhood.

What upset him the most was how so much of the rage he felt last night hadn't been about Jeremy's behavior at all. He had been scared and worried and that fear had shifted into anger once he realized the boy was ok, but Jess recognized that that wasn't the whole story. He knew that the screaming, wall-pounding rage he had unleashed had had as much to do with the fear and stress he harbored about the state of his own life as it did with concern over Jeremy's safety. His rage had been kindling for weeks, under the surface, since the day he lost his job and with it a chunk of his his self-respect, and then his apartment and everything he owned. Jeremy's coming home late had just been the lit match that ignited the crackling explosion and sent Jess over the edge. He needed to be better. He hated all the memories from his own childhood and teenage years that involved being scared or humiliated by grown men who had been in positions to support him and teach him by example, but chose time and again to control him with fear and intimidation instead. He didn't want these memories for Jeremy. They hurt and they never really went away.

Jess ended his run at the entrance to the motel parking lot. He walked toward his room, feeling invigorated and eager to take a hot shower. As he approached his door, he spotted his next door neighbor at hers, a young Latina woman juggling an infant and a shopping bag with a dollar store logo as she searched through her purse for her key card. Jess felt a fresh wave of embarrassment at his behavior from the night before. For some reason he had assumed the wall-pounder had been a man. He was lucky she hadn't called the police. She should have. That's what he would have wanted Charisse to do if she had ever found herself alone in a place like this with an out of control man banging on her wall and yelling at her in the middle of the night. He knew he owed this woman an apology.

He put on his most charming apologetic but friendly smile, even though he was feeling anything but friendly. He needed to do the right thing. He wanted to be someone who naturally did the right thing and he didn't know another way to get there other than practice. "Excuse me!" He called to the woman, keeping his voice pleasant. She turned in his direction and Jess could see how young she really was, early twenties at most. He could also see that he had startled her. "Hi, I just wanted to say-."

"Stay away from us." Jess heard the electronic lock beep in response to her key card and the woman was quickly entering the room and closing the door behind her before he could think of a response. She had seemed more fearful than angry, and that made Jess feel even worse. He wondered whether he should slip a note of apology under her door or just let it go.