Chapter 20 Notes: Thank you guys so much for all the thoughtful and generous reviews. I love hearing what you guys think about the story, what you'd like to see happen, and the parts of the story that you find relatable. It's really motivating and makes me want to spend even more time writing. :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.
"...Yes….I understand….of course…..we'll head over now….right, no guarantees, understood…..thank you." Jess ended his call and turned toward Jeremy, who had been lying on his bed with a textbook open in front of him while he pretended not to listen to Jess's conversation.
Jeremy looked up at his foster father and took in his serious expression. "What did they say?"
"They said that they were able to stabilize the side of the building furthest from the stairwell. I guess there wasn't as much damage on that side, which is good, right, since that's where your room was." Jeremy watched Jess force a small smile onto his face. "We aren't allowed back in. The stairwell was destroyed, but the firefighters and the insurance inspectors have been able to access all four floors from their ladder and the fire escape. The firefighters are calling everyone in the building to see if there's anything they want them to get from their apartments."
Jeremy nodded, already knowing exactly what he wanted, and wondering how well the shoebox in his closet could possibly have held up to the fire. All his treasures were paper or photos. They seemed so fragile. He wished he had stored them in something metal.
"So, we should head over there now." Jess started pulling on a second hoodie. "Do you know what you want them to look for in your room?" Jeremy sat up on the edge of the bed and started putting on his sneakers.
"Yeah. Um, I have this shoebox of pictures and stuff on the top shelf of my closet. There's a picture of my mom…..., and some pictures of me when I was younger, a couple of letters, stuff like that." Jeremy finished with his sneakers and stood up, trying not to get his hopes up as he looked at Jess. "What do you think the odds are that any of that stuff will be ok?" The pictures were in a ziploc bag inside the shoebox and Jeremy was hoping that had protected them from water damage.
"I have no idea. This is my first fire." Jess gave Jeremy a sad smile, and took a deep breath. Jeremy pulled on his coat, the one he was still borrowing from Jess. He had offered if back to his foster father after the fire, since it was really Jess's coat and now Jess didn't have one, but Jess had told him to keep it. That it looked better on him anyway. "All right. Let's go find out."
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"Ok." Jess watched the firefighter nod seriously as the man listened to Jeremy explain the location of the shoebox and repeat the information back to them for confirmation. "One orange shoebox on the top shelf of the closet in the bedroom on the right side of the hallway. Got it. Anything else I should keep an eye out for while I'm in there?"
Jeremy shook his head. "The shoebox is the only thing I care about."
The man turned to Jess then. "Is there anything you'd like me to try to retrieve for you?"
"Uh, there's this watch that was my uncle's, and my grandfather's before that. It's in the nightstand in the other bedroom, in a small navy blue box." Jess paused, his conscience kicking in at what he was asking this man to do. "But, that's the bedroom next to the stairwell, so I get it if you can't go in there."
The firefighter nodded, his expression solemn. "So far, we've been able to access every room at least once. I'll do my best. We can only be in the building for a short time. If I can only go after one, which item is priority, the watch or the shoebox?"
Jess and Jeremy spoke at the same time, Jess saying "the shoebox" and Jeremy saying "the watch." It came out incoherent. Jess looked at his foster son and smiled, flattered by the boy's concern and what he was willing to sacrifice for him. Jess could see that Jeremy's eyes were damp, which made him appreciate the small smile he got in return even more.
Jess turned back to the firefighter. "The shoebox. Definitely, the shoebox." Jeremy stayed silent.
"Got it." The man nodded. "I should be back down in a few minutes." The firefighter disappeared into the alley on the side of the building where the fire escape was located.
Jess watched as the fire truck parked in the alley started to raise its ladder. He wrapped an arm around Jeremy's shoulders, pulling the boy to his side, partly to comfort the kid and partly for his own warmth. It was cold, and the two hoodies he was wearing weren't cutting it. Jess was running through money fast. The weekly payment he received as unemployment benefits didn't come close to covering the motel room for a week, nevermind food. Jess had already dipped into his savings significantly for the supplies he had bought the day of the fire, and now he was doing it regularly. This didn't feel like the right time to start replacing anything they had lost that wasn't essential to survival or to Jeremy finishing out his semester of school. Even buying a cheap coat for himself felt like too much, especially when he knew Luke would likely have an extra one lying around somewhere that he could borrow by next week. "Sorry, but only parents are allowed to make sacrifices like that." He kissed the side of Jeremy's head, just below where the edge of his knit hat sat on his head. "I appreciate the thought, though. You're not too terrible as far as kids go. I hope you know that."
Jess stared at Jeremy's profile and watched a small smile appear briefly on the boy's face, as his eyes remained focused on the burned out building in front of them. It hit Jess that, unlike him, Jeremy was seeing their former home in its current condition for the first time. Jess remembered how upsetting it had been to watch the apartment burn. "You doing ok, Jeremy?"
"Yeah, I'm all right." Jeremy's voice sounded strained. "I hope they can get your watch."
Jess tightened his one-armed, half-hug around the boy's shoulders, watching his expression carefully. "Thanks. I hope they can get your stuff, too."
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They sat in Jess's Mazda, the heat pumping through the vents, the car unmoved from its parking spot across the street from their old apartment. Jess's watch lay in the cupholder in the console between them. Jeremy held what remained of the orange shoebox in his lap, bent forward, his arms cradling it like it was a baby, as he sobbed. Jess rubbed the boy's back through his peacoat, not knowing what to say to comfort him. He couldn't find words for this. It wasn't ok. Nothing was. Jeremy's mother had been taken from him much too soon and now he had lost the only picture he'd had of her. It wasn't fair and it wasn't ok. The box wasn't charred from flames, but it had melted and shrunk in on itself from proximity to the heat of the fire. The papers inside had done the same, resulting in an indecipherable mess. The handful of pictures had melted into a multi-colored and indistinguishable glob, fused as one to the plastic of the ziploc bag they had been stored in. Jess watched helplessly as Jeremy sobbed, and felt his own heart breaking for the boy. It wasn't right that Jeremy's life had to be so hard. Having one memento of your deceased mother to hold onto didn't seem like too much to ask.
"I'm so sorry, Jeremy. I'm so sorry." Jess felt his eyes growing damp as he watched the boy sob out his grief. He felt powerless, and that made him feel scared and awful. He scooted closer in his seat to Jeremy and pulled the boy to him, contorting his own body so he could hold Jeremy tightly against his chest in the awkward space, listening to Jeremy cry like his heart was breaking. "I'm so sorry."
Jeremy gulped noisily as he cried. Jess felt the boy clutch onto a handful of the side of his hoodie as he held him. He put a hand on the back of the boy's head, holding him tightly, rocking him back and forth a little, doing anything he could think of to offer him comfort. "I've got you, Jeremy. I've got you." Jess couldn't tell Jeremy it was ok, because it wasn't, but he needed to say something. "I'm here. You're not alone. I've got you."
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Jess had to pick Jeremy up from school in a little over an hour. He was at Target trying to pick out clothes for Jeremy's birthday present for Monday. He knew it was a lame ripoff of a birthday present since clothes was something that he should be providing for Jeremy anyway. A good parent would be able to buy Jeremy a brand new wardrobe to replace what he had lost in the fire and come up with something cool and memorable for his birthday present. Jeremy was still wearing the same pair of jeans he had had on at school the day of the fire along with the handful of shirts Jess had picked up at Goodwill. Just because the kid wasn't complaining didn't mean he didn't deserve more.
Jeremy's birthday was going to be nothing like what Jess had wanted for him. Before his termination from Truncheon and the fire, he hadn't really given much thought to what exactly he would buy Jeremy for his birthday, but in his mental image of the day, Jess had thought of something special and perfect. Something that would have left Jeremy feeling touched at Jess's caring and thoughtfulness. Then Jess would have taken Jeremy somewhere nice for dinner to show him how special he thought his birthday was. It would have been Jeremy's first fine dining experience and they would have eaten expensive vegetarian dishes that were so fancy and complicated that they required an explanation from the server. They would have made a meaningful memory of Jeremy's first birthday with Jess. Jess had become attached to that idea.
Instead, Jess had no money for a birthday dinner at the kind of place he had wanted to take Jeremy. He had thought about splurging on it anyway. It was Friday and he was going to be living rent-free in Stars Hollow by Wednesday. One fancy dinner he couldn't really afford wasn't going to do any real damage at this point. But, he knew it would be awkward now, and it would probably make Jeremy feel guilty about Jess spending the money on him. Jeremy wasn't the kind of kid who could take something and enjoy it if he worried it was more than Jess could afford to give. And this time, Jeremy would have been right. So, instead Jess was picking out a sweater at Target. A really ugly sweater. He sighed as he refolded the garment in his hands and set it back down on the pile on the table.
And to top it off, Jeremy had asked if he could spend Monday night with Melissa. She wanted to take him out for his birthday. Jess had been hurt and disappointed, but he had done his best to not let it show. He had resigned himself to taking Jeremy somewhere relatively cheap for dinner on Sunday night instead. He knew Luke was planning something for when they were back in Stars Hollow and he was hoping that would make it up to Jeremy for how little fanfare Jess was able to provide for the occasion. Jeremy should be with Melissa on his birthday. It made more sense. She lived in a nice house in a good part of town. Her mother was so important at her job that she routinely traveled all over the world. Melissa could probably afford to do something nice for Jeremy. And spending his birthday with Melissa would make the whole thing more special for the boy anyway. Jess got that. He really did. He was in favor of anything that made Jeremy happy, especially after the heartbreak of losing his mom's picture. And, if he was being honest, he would have preferred to have spent his own eighteenth birthday with Rory over Luke. As it happened, Rory had been in D.C. and hadn't even been his girlfriend yet the summer he turned eighteen. Luke had wanted to take him to Bud and Maisy's restaurant for dinner. Jess had bowed out of an awkward birthday with Luke by telling him he had birthday plans with Shane, who he had spent the evening with, but without telling her it was his birthday. So, he got it, really. It was normal. But, it still hurt.
Jess had faked a smile and told Jeremy that of course he could spend his birthday with Melissa if that's what he wanted. That he got it. It was his last few days with Melissa. He and Jeremy would have lots of other birthdays to celebrate together. But, now he reflected on how accurate that statement really was. Jeremy would be gone next year, away at one of the Pennsylvania colleges he applied to, making new friends, and possibly dating a new girl. Who's to say he would want to come home from school to spend his birthday with Jess, especially when they weren't even setting the precedent of spending it together this year, when they actually lived together. After college, Jeremy could move even further away. Or get a serious girlfriend and just like that, his birthday would go from a family event to a romantic, candle-lit dinner occasion. This might be Jess's only chance to celebrate Jeremy's birthday with him, and it was shaping up to be a great big steaming pile of shit. Nothing like what he wanted it to be. The thought of his future hit Jess hard. He pictured himself next year, still stuck in Stars Hollow, with no real career, working two or three shitty jobs and still living above the diner so he could afford to pay college tuition for Jeremy, who lived out of state and rarely called and visited. The image flooded Jess with a panic so intense that it was momentarily hard to breathe. He felt the now familiar frantic pulsing of stress in his head. The overwhelming feeling that he had nothing, that everything in his life had been thrown irrevocably off course, and the panic that he was running out of time to make it right. He couldn't let himself think about this now, the pathetic state of his life. He couldn't afford to get immobilized with fear and anxiety. He needed to keep moving forward, and right now moving forward meant picking out a nice sweater and maybe some extra socks and underwear.
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Jess ended up taking Jeremy to an Indian restaurant on Sunday night. There were lots of vegetarian options, it was reasonably priced, and Jess still got to introduce Jeremy to something he had never experienced and explain the various dishes to him. They had started with vegetable samosas and pakora and were now sharing chana masala and saag paneer over basmati rice. It was a small, uncrowded restaurant, and Jess was enjoying himself. He thought back to their first meal out together at the Vietnamese place by their old apartment when Jeremy had only been with him for a few days. He remembered how stilted the conversation had been and how the meal had had an awkward first date feel to it. Tonight felt comfortable and intimate, and the comparison reminded Jess of how much they had grown in their relationship together. He was proud of that. They were family now, regardless of who Jeremy chose to spend his actual birthday with.
"So, what does Melissa have planned for your birthday? Have you figured out what her big surprise is yet?" Jess asked as he watched the boy use a piece of naan to sop up sauce from his chana masala. He took in the instant smile that appeared on the boy's face at the mention of Melissa's name, and he knew he had made the right decision about not begrudging Jeremy tomorrow night with his girlfriend. The boy had spent most of the weekend with Melissa, under the guise of studying for the finals they still had to take during this next, short week of school. Jeremy had explained to Jess that they needed extra study time on the weekend to prepare for the exams they had on both Monday and Tuesday, so that they would be free to do other stuff on the night of his actual birthday. But, Jeremy had come home early today to go to dinner with Jess and he appreciated that.
Jeremy looked up at Jess. "No. I'm not sure what it is. But, I know we're going to this tapas restaurant that she likes for dinner. I had to google tapas. I wasn't sure what it was and I didn't want to look like a doofus." Jeremy laughed lightly at himself and it made Jess smile. "I guess the surprise is after that. She says she wants to share something special with me before I leave." Jeremy shrugged, nonchalantly. "I'm sure whatever it is will be fun."
Jess paused in stabbing a chunk of paneer with his fork and quirked an eyebrow at the boy. He had naively assumed that the surprise would be a fancy restaurant. He now had the feeling that Melissa's surprise wasn't something she would have wanted Jeremy to tell him about. "Uh, yeah, I'm sure it will be."
"What?" Jess couldn't tell if Jeremy was being equally naive or just secretive, regretting that he had told Jess about the surprise once the light had dawned on him, too.
"Nothing." Jess kept his expression neutral, not wanting to embarrass the boy. "I'm just wondering if you've got protection, or if we should stop at a drugstore on the way home."
Jeremy's cheeks flushed pink. "Oh, uh, I uh, no. I don't think it's that. Uh, we really, um…"
Jess cut the boy off to put him out of his misery. "Have you guys done anything that, uh." He paused to decide how to word it. "Required protection before?" Jess realized he should have brought this up sooner. They were teenagers and they spent a lot of time at Melissa's house with no adult supervision. He had the disappointing feeling that once again he had been remiss as a parent.
Jeremy averted his eyes from Jess, staring past his shoulder. "Uh, no. We haven't. And we haven't really talked about it very much." Jeremy's blush was deepening, but he brought his eyes back to Jess. "One time, early on, she said that she wasn't looking for a sexual relationship right now. That she's had sex before, but she didn't like how it can change a relationship. She says she's waiting until she gets to college for her next sexual relationship. Not that I was pressuring her or anything. I totally wasn't." Jeremy rushed to add. "She just kind of threw that out there so that I would know what she was thinking."
"Ok." Jess nodded. "Well, that seems reasonable. She seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders."
"Yeah. She does." Jeremy stuck a forkful of chickpeas and rice in his mouth and chewed so slowly and methodically that Jess wondered whether it was a defense mechanism that the boy believed would get him out of having this conversation.
"But, sometimes people change their minds about things. And I just want to make sure you have what you need in case she's thinking differently about it now. I think we should pick up condoms on the way home, so you'll have them, just in case."
"I don't know…..I don't think I'll need them. And buying them before she's even brought it up feels kind of…..presumptuous, doesn't it?"
"Oh, c'mon, Jeremy. She has this big surprise planned for you after dinner. I've been there and gotten that birthday surprise myself and trust me, it's usually something that requires a condom." Jess had never had sex with a new partner for the first time on his birthday, but every birthday he had celebrated with a girlfriend in his adult life had ended with something extra fun and creative happening in the bedroom.
Jeremy smiled at that. The boy's color was returning to normal, so Jess felt like they were making progress. "I don't know. I don't think she'd spring it on me like that." Jeremy looked thoughtful. "I mean, she's really into affirmative consent and stuff. Like, if she built it up as this big surprise, it would almost be like she was forcing it on me because I would feel uncomfortable saying no, and I don't think she would do that. I think she respects me too much to do that."
Jess could tell he was staring with an incredulous expression on his face. Jeremy laughed. "What?"
"Nothing. Just thinking about how different your generation is."
"Like, bad different?" Jeremy asked.
"No, it sounds like it's good different." Jess paused, still not completely sure that he bought into everything Jeremy was telling him. He still wanted to go by the drugstore on the way home. He had stopped carrying a condom in his wallet when he had become serious with Charisse, and the remainder of their supply in his nightstand had been lost with everything else he owned during the fire. "Would you be willing to humor me anyway and carry a condom with you tomorrow night? You can keep it in your wallet behind your license. Melissa doesn't ever need to know it's there, unless it's needed. Just in case something unexpected happens. I get what you're saying, that she wouldn't back you into a corner by making it your birthday present, but sometimes things happen unexpectedly and I want to make sure you're safe."
Jeremy nodded. "Ok. I guess I can put one in my wallet, if you really want me to. I honestly don't think anything like that will happen, but if it makes you feel better, we can go get some."
"Thank you, Jeremy. I appreciate that. It's not that I don't believe you. I just think it's good to be prepared. It will make me feel better." Jess grinned. "It's nothing against you or Melissa. I just feel that I'm too young and handsome to be a grandpa."
Jeremy huffed out a quiet laugh even as he blushed. "Ok. You win. Can we please talk about something else now?"
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The had stopped at the drugstore on the way back to the motel and picked up condoms. They had also stopped by a bakery and bought two pieces of cake. Jess had taken Winston out for a quick bathroom break when they got back to the motel and used that time to retrieve Jeremy's presents from the trunk of his car. The good thing about having a kid with a December birthday was that the gift-wrappers were out in full force at the mall. It had seemed like a good deal when Jess had realized all the basics, like wrapping paper, ribbon, tape and scissors, that he would need to buy to do it himself. He had presented the two packages to Jeremy with the caveat that it wasn't much and that he would buy him so much more once he got a new job in Connecticut. He had felt terrible making that promise. It had reminded him of all the worthless promises Liz had made to him when he was a kid, only to let him down later. He fully intended to keep his, but he recognized that Jeremy didn't have any way of really knowing that, other than just trusting him. He hoped he had proven himself enough at this point to have garnered that trust from Jeremy, but he also knew it only took a couple of unfulfilled promises to lose it entirely. Jeremy had smiled gratefully, saying Jess didn't need to get him anything. He had unwrapped each box, grinning at its contents, telling Jess how much he liked or needed every item he received, which totaled two sweaters, two long sleeve thermal tee-shirts, a package of sport socks and a few pairs of boxers. Jess had crammed a few things into each box so he could pay less for wrapping. Jeremy had given Jess a hug and thanked him before carefully refolding his new clothes and adding them to the dresser drawers where he stored his meager wardrobe. Jess couldn't help but wonder if Jeremy was just hiding his disappointment better than he could have at his age, or if he honestly had no resentment over his birthday presents. Jess had wanted to do so much better.
They had changed into their sleep clothes and settled in for cake and television, each sitting with a pillow behind him, propped against the headboard of his own bed, eating cake out of a plastic single-serving container, with Winston curled up on the floor in the narrow space between them.
Jess turned to Jeremy during a commercial. "Hey Jeremy, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for not being able to buy you something more for your birthday. I know it's lame that your present didn't even make a dent in replacing the stuff you lost in the fire….When I get a new job, I'm going to replace everything else. I promise."
Jeremy was looking at him in surprise. Jess watched the boy finish chewing his mouthful of cake, his surprise visibly shifting to confusion. "What are you talking about? I like my presents. It's all stuff I needed, and it's all nice stuff." The boy smiled at Jess. "Thank you for everything, really."
Jess sighed. "I guess I just had really high expectations for your first birthday with me, and your first Christmas. I wanted them to be really special for you, and memorable. And then I lost my job, and then the apartment and all our stuff…" Jess realized he should probably stop. He had given Jeremy a shitty birthday, but it occurred to him that he might only be making it worse by pointing it out.
The smiled slowly faded from Jeremy's face and Jess looked down for a moment, ashamed and kicking himself. He shouldn't have started this. He had definitely made things worse. He had made Jeremy's birthday all about him.
"I can't remember any birthdays before my mom died." When Jess looked up, Jeremy's expression was serious. "But, out of all the ones I can remember, maybe from age six or seven and up, this is the best one I've ever had. Because I'm here with you and Winston. You're letting me see Melissa tomorrow. We're going to be in Stars Hollow with your family by Wednesday." Jeremy broke eye contact and gazed off toward the television, where a woman was talking about laundry detergent. "I have people who care about me." His voice became quiet. "I'm not lonely and feeling like something's missing, like I usually am on my birthday." Jeremy turned back toward Jess and took a deep breath. "I appreciate what you did for me tonight. The presents, dinner, hanging out with me like this. This has been a great birthday." He paused. "I know you think that I just tell you what you want to hear sometimes, but I really mean that."
"Ok." Jess tried to smile at his foster son, still feeling like an ass for bringing this us. "I'm glad you feel that way."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Jess." Jeremy grinned. "You're not too terrible, either, as far as dads go. I hope you know that."
Jess huffed out a quiet laugh and they both turned back to the movie. Maybe tonight hadn't been a complete failure after all.
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On Monday night, Jess drove over to Melissa's to pick up Jeremy, thinking as he usually did whenever he was alone, about the sad state of his life. He was feeling particularly sorry for himself tonight at the idea that his teenage kid had likely had sex tonight when Jess himself had no prospects in that department. He thought about how long it had been for him, which led to thinking about Charisse. He got to remembering his first time with her and some of the better times they had had over the four years they were together, and it left him in a funk.
He texted Jeremy that he had arrived and a few minutes later the boy was getting into the car wearing the biggest, goofiest grin Jess had ever seen on his face. He'd had sex. Jess knew it. No guy Jeremy's age grinned like that much of an idiot over anything else. Jess wasn't sure how he felt about Jeremy being sexually active, but he was glad to see him this happy. Jess thought about the volatility of teenage emotions, and how a few days ago the boy had been broken hearted over the picture of his mother and now he was over the moon because he'd had sex with his girlfriend. Jess could still remember when his own world had been bright and colorful with hope and despair feeling like real things, before the landscape had dulled and the intense, electrically-charged emotions of his youth had been supplanted with the more adult reactions of anxiety and acceptance.
"I take it your night went well." Jess pulled the car away from the curb and headed home.
"It was amazing! I had such a good time!" Jeremy's response was so authentically happy and enthusiastic that it made Jess's heart hurt with the thought of all the romantic relationships he had lost in his own life and all the relationships Jeremy was bound to lose in his.
"And, the…..surprise was good?" He didn't want to pry. He had already decided he would peek in Jeremy's wallet when the kid was showering the next morning to check whether the condom was still there. He wouldn't bring it up to Jeremy either way, but he wanted to know where Jeremy was at with sex so that he could be more useful in helping him with his future decisions. He thought that sounded like a reasonable parent thing, but he could also admit that part of him was just interested and selfishly wanted to know as much about his son's life as possible, while they still lived together and he could.
"Yeah, that was the best part! It was so fun! But, at the same time, it was a lot more work than I expected. I'd never done it before, but it turns out Melissa has done it a lot of times. She was really good at it! And she made me feel really comfortable, even though I didn't really know what I was doing."
Jess was a little taken aback to see his normally bashful kid being this open about something so personal. But, he figured that maybe Jeremy needed to talk to someone and it's not like the boy had any real friends other than Melissa. "No one feels like they're good at it the first time." Jess tried to sound convincing and reassuring, even though he was feeling kind of rattled. "I'm sure you were better than you think."
"I don't know about that. I was pretty awkward. Especially at the beginning. I feel like I was just flailing around a lot. I kept losing my balance. I even fell once and took Melissa down with me. I landed right on top of her. It was really embarrassing and I was afraid I'd hurt her, but she was really cool about it. She said it happens sometimes, you know, when you're new at it."
Jess cast a worried glance at Jeremy and the boy shrugged at him from the passenger seat. "And, Melissa's a real pro at it. She has lots of experience and she can do some really cool tricks, so I have to believe her, right? And she was able to help me a lot, like guide me around and give me pointers and stuff. That helped."
"Ok." Jess was starting to feel uncomfortable. He wanted Jeremy to feel comfortable talking to him about sex in terms of when to start having it or how to protect himself or even about the premature emotional attachment it can create in a relationship, but he hadn't expected the conversation to get this explicit. "I'm not sure if I really need this level of detail-"
"Oh!" Jeremy carried on as if Jess hadn't said anything. "And, don't worry, I used the protection you gave me. I wore a glove." He giggled once. "Melissa did, too."
Jess was concerned. "Are you talking about a female condom?" Jess had never been with a woman who had used one, had never really heard anyone talk about using one, or seen one in real life. But, he knew enough to know you weren't supposed to use one in conjunction with a regular condom due to risks of friction and slippage. "Jeremy, you can't use both condoms at the same time. It doesn't work like that!"
Jess shot a quick glance at Jeremy and saw the boy looking mischievous as he tried to hold in his mirth for a moment before he burst out laughing at the expression on Jess's face.
"I'm talking about a glove glove." Jeremy spoke through his laughter and held up his hands in warm knitted gloves and wiggled his navy blue fingers around in Jess's direction. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Jess." Jeremy laughed again. "My surprise was ice skating at that outdoor rink downtown. It was perfect, like something out of a movie. Between this night and last night and getting to have you as my dad, this has definitely been the best birthday of my life. We only got back to Melissa's place about twenty minutes ago. So, there was no surprise after the surprise, if that was going to be your next question."
Jess huffed out a laugh as his worry faded away. "You're such a little shit. I can't believe you just did that." Jess's voice held no real heat. He chuckled. "When you said you kept losing your balance and fell on her, I was starting to worry you had some kind of special needs situation going on that I wasn't aware of."
Jeremy laughed again. "That was awesome! The look on your face was great!"
"Why would you do a thing like that to me?" Jess was smiling even as he tried to play the victim. It wasn't like he couldn't see the humor in the situation.
"It was Melissa's idea. I told her about what we talked about last night and how worried you were and she thought it would be really funny. She thinks it's weird how your generation is so obsessed with sex. Like, how you guys think people of the opposite sex can't have meaningful romantic relationships without it."
"Huh. Melissa sounds lovely."
Jeremy laughed again. "She is. She's awesome. I think you guys would really like each other."
Jess shot another quick glance at Jeremy and took in the boy's pure happiness. He loved seeing him this happy, even if it was at his own expense. He remembered how shy and eager to please Jeremy had been when he had first come to live with him, always afraid of asking for what he wanted and worried about accidentally making Jess angry. Jess took any instance of Jeremy messing with him as proof that the boy felt secure in their relationship. Messing with your parents was normal. Jess thought about how much he had teased Luke about everything from his flannel shirts to his lack of a social life when he had been a teenager.
Jess felt Jeremy pat him on the shoulder. "And, just so you know, Jess." Jeremy's voice was exaggeratedly condescending. "I took everything you said last night to heart. And I want you to know that I wore a condom the entire time we were ice skating. Just in case." Jeremy burst out laughing again, and the sound made Jess smile.
Jess kept his eyes on the road. "Wow. It's like that, huh? Hmmm…...I really wish I believed in beating kids right about now." Jess listened as Jeremy laughed harder.
"Oh, crap!" Jeremy put his gloved hand to his forehead. "I totally forgot to say that at one point Melissa used to do it with a group!"
Jess snorted. "Keep working on your act there, funny guy."
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The next morning, Jess listened to the water running in the bathroom while Jeremy showered. He sat on the bed looking at the boy's wallet on the nightstand. Winston sat on the floor in front of him, eyes alert, watching Jess watch the wallet. After a few minutes of internal debate, Jess turned to Winston and rubbed the dog's head. "Fine, you win, boy. Why do you always take his side, huh?" In the end, Jess figured that Jeremy deserved some privacy, and that it didn't really matter one way or the other if Jeremy had had sex with Melissa. He was a good kid, a great kid, either way, and at the end of the day, that was all that really mattered.
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Tuesday night found Jess sitting on a barstool at a small table at a place called Murray's down the street from Truncheon. He was with Chris and Matthew. The bar had been their regular spot to grab beers after work when they were getting Truncheon up and running. They had been trying to get together for the past week before they left Philly and went their separate ways, and this was the first night they had all been free. Chris and Matthew had been busy packing up Truncheon and planning the move. And they both had partners and young children to take care of and spend time with, and family in town, parents and siblings, that they needed to make the rounds with, saying their goodbyes before they left. Jess knew that he ranked lower on their list of priorities than they did on his. It wasn't their fault. Jess just had an abnormally short list of people that mattered to him. He was glad they had been able to meet up, though. It wouldn't have felt right to leave Philly without this.
He had just finished filling them in on the details of the fire and the plan to regroup in Stars Hollow. It was hard for Jess to take the reactions on their faces. Sympathy was what you gave to a man with a career and a partner whose apartment happened to burn down. Jess knew his situation called for pity more than anything.
Chris spoke first. "I'm really sorry, Jess. That sounds really tough. I'm glad to see that Jeremy's handling everything ok, though."
"Yeah, me too." Jess huffed out a soft laugh. "I think he's handling things better than I am most days. It's all been pretty….stressful." Jess watched Chris and Matthew exchage a quick look, and he immediately felt his new status. They were still a team. He was on the outside now, alone.
"I'm sorry that you guys lost all your stuff, but I think being in Stars Hollow could be good for you guys. I'm kind of jealous of Jeremy. I wish I could have grown up in Stars Hollow." Jess had taken Chris and Matthew to Stars Hollow for a long weekend at Matthew's urging back when they were in their mid-twenties and unattached. And Matthew had loved it, idealizing it in his mind and bringing it up often over the years, telling Jess that he wanted to go back, but their schedules and relationships never working out to allow another trip.
"Jeremy's eighteen." Jess said. "He's already grown up. He'll finish out his senior year and be back out here for college in the fall. I think you might be overestimating the impact that that town could have on his life in such a short time."
"Still, I think he'll enjoy it." Matthew said. "You always undersell it. It's so cute and cozy and safe there, and filled with juicy small-town drama. It's like a PG-rated version of Peyton Place."
"Matthew and his love affair with Stars Hollow." Chris shook his head. "It will never die."
"It was the cutest place I've ever been. A modern-day Mayberry. Remember that older gentleman with the clipboard who kept ordering everyone around at the festival you took us to?"
Jess laughed. "That would be Taylor. His charm was always lost on me."
"And the blank-faced town simpleton who was always hurrying after him and doing his bidding?"
Chris smiled at that. "Yeah, that guy was a riot."
"Oh, man, I forgot about your name for Kirk!" Jess laughed. "I'm going to be thinking 'blank-faced town simpleton' and cracking up every time I run into him now!"
"And those two fiesty older ladies? Remember how the blond one hated you and when I asked why, you explained it was related to a gnome you stole during your misspent youth?"
"Oh, jeez!" Jess grimaced. "Why does that gnome always come up!"
Chris laughed. "I just remember the brunette grabbing my ass."
Jess snorted. "Oh, man, I forgot about that! I'll have to warn Jeremy about her."
Chris turned to Matthew. "How do you remember all this stuff?"
"Hey, c'mon." Matthew defended himself. "How many gnome stories do we get in Philly? When I hear a good small-town, gnome story, I remember it. Jess used to steal gnomes. That practically makes him Dennis the Menace!" Matthew paused with his beer glass almost to his lips. "Oh! And, remember that one time we walked around town and we kept coming across ex-girlfriends of Jess's every five minutes?"
Jess laughed. "I only dated two girls there, ever. We just happened to walk by each of them like two or three times that day. It was pretty ridiculous. I don't know why you liked that so much, if I remember correctly, they both just gave me dirty looks every time."
"No way! The blond totally shoved you! Even I remember that. She hated you! It was awesome." Chris laughed at the embarrassing memory of Shane side-eyeing Jess until they had almost crossed paths for the third time, Jess smiling tentatively at her to make things less awkward, and her reaching out and pushing him in the shoulder at the last minute, muttering 'asshole' under her breath as Jess stumbled and she walked past.
"Yeah, Shane was…...spirited." Jess agreed.
"See?" Matthew turned to Chris. "You enjoyed Stars Hollow, too? You just don't like to admit it."
"It's a cute town. I can admit that. I just remember being the only black person we saw when we were there. And, all these white people kept coming up to me all weekend, asking if I was related to some guy named Michele. Then, when we finally run into this Michele character, not only does the guy bear no resemblance to me whatsoever, he's fucking French!" Chris paused to accommodate Jess and Matthew's laughter. "I'll just say the experience gave me pause about ever leaving the city for a small, white town so matter how cute the cobblestone streets and little town gazebo are."
Jess laughed. "Fair enough."
"No, not fair enough." Matthew protested. "Charisse is black and she always agreed with me about loving Stars Hollow."
Chris shook his head, smiling. "Charisse grew up in Baltimore. She's just happy any place she's not getting shot at."
Hearing them refer to Charisse in the present tense hit Jess hard, since she had become someone solely in the past for him. He had met Charisse through Chris's girlfriend, Kim, and it made sense that if Charisse was back in Philly, she would still have contact with Kim and by extension Chris and possibly Matthew. He wanted to ask if she was back in town, but he didn't want to ruin the mood. He took another sip of beer. It was clear to him that Chris and Matthew had made a plan to keep things light tonight. There had been very little talk of Truncheon or their move to New York, other than a few comments focused on the actual hassle of the moving process when Jess had asked about it. He also wanted to ask about whether Rory's book would still be published by Truncheon, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know that her book had made the cut to stay with the company when he hadn't.
An hour later, they parted ways outside the bar, Jess heading to his car and Chris and Matthew walking back to their apartments. They left each other with hugs and smiles, a few tears on Matthew's part, and promises to stay in touch. As Jess walked back to his car alone, he felt maudlin at all he was losing. He believed they would keep in touch, but he wondered what that would look like. A visit or two to New York or Connecticut in the next few years. A handful of calls. Some random group texting. Then a petering out of contact. He felt like this was the end of an era in his life. He may never have friends in his everyday life that he was as close to again. He may never have a career where he did something he cared about this much again. He may never live anywhere else that would feel like home the way Philly had. Even what he had gained was making him sad. He had Jeremy and he was grateful to have the boy in his life, but the situation wasn't exactly normal there either. Chris and Matthew still had raising their children to look forward to. Jess's child raising era was ending, too, even though it had barely begun. He had just gotten a kid a few months ago, and he would be losing him to college and his own independent adult life in a few more. Jess knew better than to expect life to be fair, but he couldn't seem to pull himself out of his self-pitying mood. He needed to get his shit together before he went home to Jeremy.