A/N: Special thanks to ItsHardIKnow for beta-ing this.
Sorry for uploading a little late, but I got side-tracked watching Captain America: Civil War in anticipation of Black Panther (fangirling right now). I'm almost out the door to go see it.
I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Happy reading!
Chapter 7
I had taken advantage of the fact that Marcus volunteered me to help out at the clinic. I went in, and asked to see a female gynecologist. Thankfully, Dr. Yates was a middle-aged woman, who - despite her Erudite upbringing - was incredibly kind. Without going into too many details, I had told her that I recently got married, but my husband and I wanted to avoid having a baby too soon. She discussed with me contraceptive measures, and the most appealing to me was the shot. She also talked about a pill that I had to take daily, but that meant I had to always make sure I wouldn't forget.
The contraceptive shot is either administered every three months, every six months or yearly, but unfortunately, this particular clinic only had the three-months-shot available. I immediately agreed to get that, and asked for at least three months worth of contraceptive pills. With Marcus watching Tobias and me like a hawk, I better have contraceptive pills close by.
After she gave me a full physical exam, talking to me gently throughout the process, she dismissed me with a few pamphlets. They were mostly about STDs and pregnancy, but also about the importance of trust when you finally decide to give yourself to your significant other. Well, since Tobias was my husband, and we basically were being forced to have sex, I decided to just look over the pamphlet before throwing it out. No piece of paper could change a thing of what is happening to me right now.
I hurried home, and was grateful when I saw that Marcus wasn't home yet. I felt guilty that Tobias was left with cleaning and cooking, but this was important for the both of us.
"What happened?" Tobias asks me frantically when I stumble into the kitchen.
"Sorry I am late," I tell him remorsefully, going to wash my hands.
"Never mind that. What did the doctor tell you?" he insists.
"Oh, well, she talked to me about the importance of being ready to have sex first, and then what to expect to happen to your body after the act. We then discussed contraception. And she gave me a shot," I whisper the last sentence, afraid Marcus could enter at any given moment.
I help Tobias finish dinner, while telling him about all the things I've learnt today, when he tells me something I never heard before.
"I was just passing Candor after I volunteered nearby helping the factionless, when I overheard a conversation between two women. Apparently, each faction has a special center for abused or abandoned women. It is basically a shelter for women who try to get away from their abusive husbands or boyfriends," he tells me. This is the first I've heard of this. I'm almost certain Abnegation doesn't have anything like it. I wonder if you have to be a Candor member to be allowed into that shelter.
"What are you thinking, Beatrice?" Tobias asks. It is amazing to me how this practically stranger managed to get to know me so well after such a short while. I guess living in the same house, and sharing the same bed every night, did bring us closer together much faster than it would have happened if we dated like normal people.
"We talked about looking for options, didn't we?" I ask him, and he nods. He knows I have every intention to leave this faction as soon as I can. I wanted to suggest to him to leave too, but this is his decision, and I have no right to tell him what to do. Marcus does enough of that already.
"Do you think they would accept you there? I mean, at that shelter?" he asks curiously, but I notice how his mood has changed. If we weren't as close as we have been lately, I would have missed it. What is he thinking?
"I don't know. But I can't allow Marcus to dictate my life. I just can't. I'd rather die," I declare firmly. He drops the wooden spoon into the stew he was mixing and looks at me with wide eyes.
"Don't ever say that again!" he growls. I've never seen this side of him. "You can't die. You are my only friend, my best friend. You are the only reason I haven't completely gone insane in this house," he confesses. I stare at him in awe, not understanding where that came from. I think of what he said, about me being his friend. A part of me is happy he considers me his friend, because he deserves friends, he deserves people who genuinely care for him. But another part is upset. I don't even know why I am upset.
Tobias surprises me by pulling me into his arms, and holding me close to his chest. I can hear his heart pounding, and the sound brings a smile to my face. We break apart when we hear the front door, and know it's Marcus. We quickly resume our tasks, wanting to avoid any problems with this monster.
Marcus mainly avoids us during dinner, but like a few days ago, he asks to talk to Tobias alone. I hurry around downstairs with the cleaning of the dining room, and kitchen, and put the now clean dishes away. I go up, and into the bathroom. I take a quick shower and brush my teeth. I realize that I've forgotten my nightgown in the bedroom, but thankfully, it is just across the hall, and I could still hear voices coming from Marcus's bedroom, which is right next to the bathroom. But to my misfortune, as I step outside just covered in a towel, Marcus's door opens, and both father and son emerge. Tobias's eyes go wide, and a blush creeps into his cheeks. I quickly glance away, and hurry into the bedroom, closing the door behind me. Oh, my god! Could the earth just open up, and swallow me whole? That was so embarrassing!
I put on my nightgown first, since it covers my entire body, and then go to look for a pair of panties. I pull them up just when a knock on the door announces someone.
"Come in," I say, hoping it's Tobias.
"Hey," he says as he enters, looking away slightly.
"Hey," I reply. My cheeks burn and I feel dizzy. I know we are supposed to be husband and wife, and it is expected that we are comfortable around each other, but we are just two people who were thrust into this situation without consent or at least a manual on how to behave around each other.
"I need to talk to you. It's very important," he says, finally looking at me. His face is just as red as mine, but he keeps staring at me. I nod my head, and we both sit down. I sit on the bed, while Tobias pulls his desk chair to sit in front of me. "You need to keep your voice down, please," he says pleadingly. Whatever happened in Marcus's room scared Tobias. He always tells me to stay calm and not provoke Marcus, but the urgency in his voice tells me there's an imminent danger looming. I wonder what it is.
"I promise. Please tell me," I urge him.
"Marcus just informed me that the preparation time he gave us just expired," he says. What? What preparation time?
"What are you talking about?" I ask him, confused.
"Marcus told me I had one night to have sex with you. I thought that after he agreed we should have a baby after my initiation, he would let it go."
"He can't force us!" I say sternly, but mind my voice. Tobias's face hardens, and his eyes grow dark.
"He threatened that if I wasn't man enough for the job, he'll break you in," Tobias whispers, and I let out a gasp. I remain silent for a moment, wanting to put my thoughts in order before asking what that means. Break me in? What is that? If Tobias won't take my virginity, then Marcus would? My eyes widen, and I feel tears filling them. Tobias comes to sit next to me, and immediately wraps his arms around me.
"I won't let that happen. I thought he was just joking, but then I saw the look on his face when we met in the hallway just now. I think he lusts after you," Tobias tells me, his voice still a whisper.
"He wants to rape me," I breathe in disgust, and feel Tobias's body stiffen.
"I won't let him," Tobias growls.
"Maybe you are right. Maybe we can just pretend for a while, before we are both ready," I say weakly.
"That won't work anymore. He told me that tomorrow morning he will take you to a clinic to confirm you are no longer a virgin. It's then when he made the threat. You either lose your virginity tonight or tomorrow. And if it is tomorrow it won't be me, and it won't be gentle." I start crying.
How can this happen? Why is Marcus so fixated on Tobias and me having sex? He had already agreed that I will have a baby once Tobias's initiation is over. I know that until we find a solution to this whole problem, I will have to go along with Marcus's plans. But I am not ready.
Tobias keeps hold of me the entire time I'm crying. Not once does he say anything or push me to do anything I didn't want. But the choice of if, when, and how we wanted to be intimate was taken from us completely. I know Tobias would rather have his father beat him up, than let Marcus rape me. But I can't let that happen. Marcus will probably violate me, and then still beat up Tobias, just to teach us a lesson.
I have made my decision. I need to be brave. I move from Tobias's embrace, and stand up. I take the chair that still sits abandoned in front of our bed, and carry it to the door. I push it under the doorknob, blocking any entrance into this room. I am still facing the door, when I start lifting the nightgown I am wearing over my head, leaving me in just a pair of simple gray panties. There is no escape. I have to do this: for me; for Tobias; for our survival.
I slowly turn around, and fight the urge to cover myself. There is nothing more I'd rather do than hide, but we have to do this before morning, before Marcus drags me to that clinic. I watch Tobias. His eyes are wide, and he seems even more embarrassed than I feel. Is something wrong? Of course, there is. Compared to Tobias, who is a handsome young man, I look like a little girl who just hit puberty.
"Beatrice," comes Tobias's chocked up voice. He stands up, and brings me a blanket. I scowl at him. I take the blanket, and throw it on the floor.
"We have to. There is no other choice. You heard what your father said. I want you to do it. I trust you, Tobias," I tell him. A small smile forms on his face, before a frown takes its place.
"I don't want to hurt you," he states, eyes never going downwards.
"You won't," I reply, and he gives me a knowing look. "Fine. It'll hurt, but I know you will be gentle, and make sure I'll be fine before, you know, proceeding," I say awkwardly. Now I wish we had some more sex-ed courses at school or that my mom would have prepared me for this. I can see that Tobias is reluctant, but we have to do this.
"Please, Tobias," I feel tears tumble down my cheeks again," I need you to do this. I don't want Marcus to," I start saying, and then just let the last bit of resolve go, and cry uncontrollably. He pulls me in his arms, and before I know it, he's picking me up, and carryingme to our bed. He lies me down, and quickly joins me, careful not to touch my bare chest. I lay my head on his shoulder, and crawl close to him wanting to disappear in his arms.
We lay there in silence, until the cold air makes me shiver. Tobias tries to get up to go get the blanket I so carelessly threw away, but I pull him back.
"Please, Tobias," I beg him. I look him in the eyes, and see a storm behind them. He must be fighting with himself. I know the feeling. I am fighting a similar battle. On one side is what I want, and on the other, what I have to do. The one with what I have to do seems to win, because what I want was already doomed the moment I signed the marriage license.
"I wish this could be different," Tobias starts speaking, while softly cupping my face, "I wish I could have courted you properly. I wish I could have asked you to marry me, instead of being forced by our fathers. I wish it would be your decision to give your innocence to me, instead of being threatened to be hurt. I wish for so many things. I mostly wish that you weren't here, even if my life would be empty and hopeless. I know this won't change anything, but you have become a very important part in my life," he pauses. A frown forms on his face, before he shakes his head, "that's a lie. You are the most important part in my life. You are so special, so strong. You make me stronger, and hopeful. And I hate that you want to leave me, but I hate myself for being selfish and wanting you to stay where I know you will never be happy," he reveals, tears streaming down his face.
I have never heard him talk like that. It breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. His entire life was marked by violence. I wish I could do something to comfort him. Even in this situation, he puts my needs, my desires, before his own, knowing that despite the obvious threat against me, he will suffer twice as much. I can't help it, but lean closer to his face, and capture his lips. I've never kissed a boy before, but this feels right. I want to kiss Tobias. I want him to be the one to take my innocence. If I am completely honest, I want him. I didn't know it before, but once I shed my clothes, exposing my plain body to him, I'll throw away the Beatrice that was still living with her parents and her brother. I will never be that girl again. I don't want to be her again. That girl was weak. That girl allowed this situation to escalate. That girl was a coward who gave in. I want to turn the page and become a new Beatrice.
A/N: Marcus, that scumbag!
Let me know what you think of all this.