Chapter 38: The boys make some progress in this chapter. I wasn't a fan of Dean in the original series, but he seemed to have turned out ok (and so pretty!) in the revival and I couldn't help making him a nice guy in this. :) Thanks for all the comments and feedback on the last chapter. I really appreciate every review you guys leave me.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls
It wasn't anything against Ms. Howard. Jeremy liked her. He really did. She was nice. And kind. And, she made him feel heard when he spoke to her. Unlike many of the adults that Jeremy had dealt with in his life, she listened to what he was trying to say without attempting to subtly steer him in the direction of what she thought was best for him, or easiest for her. And, she was pretty. It wasn't hard to understand why Jess was so taken with her. It wasn't the idea of Ms. Howard herself, who Jeremy had no problem with, that was keeping him up, lying in bed worrying in the dark. It wasn't even the idea of Jess dating someone. Not really. Jess was only thirty-three. Of course, he would want to date women, have relationships, and sex. And, Jeremy knew his father was a decent looking guy, who could be reasonably charming when he wanted to be. It only made sense that women would be interested in him, too. Jeremy understood all this. It seemed natural that Jess and Ms. Howard would be attracted to each other. He got that.
The panic Jeremy was feeling was old, and too easily triggered. He worried at this point that if being adopted into a loving forever family hadn't chased the panic away, it was likely nothing ever would. He had spent thirteen years, all the years he had any memory of, alone. Not important or special to anyone in his life. Unwanted and unloved. He knew that had changed. Knew it logically. Jess had adopted him. He was his dad. His forever person who would love him and be in his life always. But, the logical part of his brain didn't seem capable of convincing the emotional part that everything would be ok and he wouldn't end up forgotten and alone, again.
He knew that things would change if Jess started dating someone. Jess would still love him, but nothing would be the same. He hadn't even been with Jess a whole year yet, and in a lot of ways he felt like they were still settling in together as a family. He knew it was probably childish, but he really liked being the most important person to Jess. Being told that Jess loved him more than anyone else. He wasn't ready to give that up yet. He didn't want to share his dad.
He could already seen how things would go in his mind's eye. Jess was so busy at it was, working three jobs. He would be spread even thinner if a relationship was added onto his already busy schedule, and something would have to give, and Jeremy worried he would be that something. That Jess wouldn't have as much time for him. He could see his father still making time for the big stuff, like teaching Jeremy to ride a bike and family stuff at Luke's or Liz's, but there wouldn't be as many small, intimate moments, just the two of them, and those were Jeremy's favorites. Jess wouldn't have as much time for bonding over the Scrabble board, or around the breakfast table, or joining Jeremy and Winston for an evening walk. Their first game of catch may very well be their last. He knew how it felt to be in love with a girl and how easy it was to get lost in the feeling and focus as much of your free time as possible on being with her. He had done it himself, when he was dating Melissa.
And, Jess really wouldn't want Jeremy hanging around the apartment for a year after high school if he had a girlfriend. The apartment wasn't large, and Jess would want privacy. It was only natural. He'd want to be able to spend evenings cuddling on the couch watching a movie with Ms. Howard. Have her sleep over and share lazy weekend breakfasts together. And, he'd want to be able to do these things without worrying that his kid was going to barge in and ruin everything.
Jeremy tried not to let his mind wander even further down the road, but he couldn't help it. He could see them getting married. Having a baby of their own. A house of their own that Jeremy had never lived in, and would always feel like a guest in. A whole little family and life that Jeremy wasn't a part of, not really. Not the way he was part of Jess's life now. He thought about one foster placement he had been in when he was around ten. How the couple had been welcoming but awkward around him as they sussed out whether he was adoption material. The placement had ended when they sat him down one day after school and explained that they hadn't thought they could get pregnant, but they had. Jeremy can still remember them looking the happiest he had ever seen them, the foster dad's arm wrapped around his wife as they sat on the couch, the foster mom teary eyed as she told Jeremy that God had finally blessed them, working in mysterious ways as he does. Jeremy had cried himself to sleep that night. He had been shuffled on to the next placement less than a week later. He could feel himself tearing up at the memory and felt stupid for it. He knew he was being dramatic and that Jess wasn't going to boot him out of his life if he had a baby of his own. He trusted Jess more than that. But, he knew that even though the shift would be more subtle, it would still hurt.
Then he thought about how he had opened up to Ms. Howard about his past and the adoption, feeling safe with her, accepted, from the first time they met. How he had broken down a little and had to use the tissues she kept in a prominent place on her desk for easy access by students having mental breakdowns in her office. He had told her how grateful he was for Jess and his new family, but how he still worried about being left alone again. How he still sometimes got so upset thinking about his past that it made him cry when he was in bed at night. He had told her things he hadn't even been able to really articulate with Jess yet. And about wanting to change his college plans and stay within hugging distance to his new dad, where he could lay eyes on him whenever he needed to, to reassure himself that he was wanted and loved.
It all felt so embarrassing now. Jeremy was used to discussing his issues and concerns with case workers, counselors, even psychologists at one point after the bullying incident in the group home. But, they were different. They were paid to listen and help him if they could. It was less personal. He was never going to be expected to spend time with them socially or have them be his future step-mom. If he had known Jess wanted to start dating Ms. Howard, he never would have told her some of the things he had. He thought about their conversation earlier that night, after Cassidy and her friends had left and he had stayed behind to wait for Jess. She had started with questions about his black eye and then asked how things were going with talking to Jess about what he wanted to do for college. Jeremy had spent the evening watching his dad watch his guidance counselor, and it had left him with a feeling of foreboding. Jeremy had remained respectful during their conversation, responding to every question asked, yes he had tried to bring it up, no he didn't think he had gotten his point across to his father, but he could feel a distance between them that hadn't been there before. He could feel his self-preservation instinct kicking in as he had shut down emotionally with her.
Then he thought about his walk home with Jess, and the way he had been able to joke around about Jess dating Ms. Howard. He loved Jess too much too try to interfere with him getting something he wanted. Jess had done more for him, given him more, than anyone else in his life ever had. More than anything, he didn't want Jess to regret opening his home to Jeremy. He wanted Jess to be happy. That much had been true. The walk home had been a good moment, an optimistic one. Walking home with Jess on a beautiful night, playing around with him, giving him shit about his crush. He hadn't had to fake anything. Their relationship had felt strong and stable, and Jeremy had had the visceral feeling that everything was going to be ok. He knew that feeling would likely ebb and flow, with his outlook being brighter some days than others. As long as he could embrace the positive feelings and not give voice to the negative ones, he would be ok. The last thing he wanted was to make Jess feel uncomfortable or guilty for wanting to be with Ms. Howard. Not after everything Jess had done for him.
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The next day was Jess's day off from the bookstore and he was spending it driving for Uber. He was just finishing his lunch break, even though it was only ten in the morning, a peanut butter and banana sandwich and an apple that he had eaten in his car, parked against a curb two towns over from Stars Hollow. He had started driving at seven this morning. He would likely need to swing by a convenience store mid-afternoon to grab something cheap and portable to get him through his afternoon. He had put the apple core, sandwich baggy and used napkins in a plastic bag and was eyeing the street for a public trash can, thinking about how much he hated the days when he worked out of his car, when his phone rang.
Jess didn't recognize the number, but he picked up the call anyway. That was one thing that sucked about having a kid. You could no longer ignore unknown numbers in case they were somehow related to an emergency with your child.
"Hello."
"Good morning, is this Mr. Mariano?" The voice was female and tired sounding.
"Yes. This is he."
"Hello, Mr. Mariano. This is Susan Cleary, the school secretary at Stars Hollow High School."
Jess could feel himself sitting up straighter in the driver's seat, instant panic running through him as his mind automatically went to the idea of a school shooting. "Is Jeremy ok?"
"Yes, Mr. Mariano. Your son is fine. He's in class. I'm calling on behalf of Ms. Howard, Jeremy's guidance counselor. She would like to set up a meeting with you to discuss Jeremy's college plans. Is there a day and time that would be good for you?"
"Oh." Jess felt his heart rate slowing back to normal. He was reminded how much he hated this school when he had been a student there. Getting him all worried over nothing was just another reason to add to his list. "Ok, sure. I actually have the day off today. Would sometime this afternoon work?"
"That would be perfect. How does three o'clock sound?" The voice sounded less tired now, as if being near the end of the call had perked her up.
"That works. I'll see you then." Jess ended the call and sat there thinking. So, Mallory needed to see him to discuss Jeremy's college plans. It seemed unlikely. Jeremy had already gotten into multiple schools. Surely there were better uses for her time than meeting with parents of good students who were already officially college bound. The kid got in, he's going. What was there to discuss? Was she going to advise him on what kind of mini-fridge to buy him?
Jess could see through this and he wasn't sure what he should think. On one hand, he was flattered. He had been disappointed that he hadn't gotten the chance to speak to Mallory at the previous night's event, too. And it was nice to think that she was going out of her way to have them meet up. But, on the other hand, Jess didn't like Mallory using Jeremy as a way to get the two of them in the same room. It seemed inappropriate. He thought back to the Uber ride when he had driven her to Hartford, particularly the moment toward the end when Jeremy's name had come up. He thought about the disheartened look they had shared. He had been so sure that they were on the same page then, both hit with the reality of their situation, that nothing could happen while Mallory was still Jeremy's guidance counselor. He felt a pang of the same disappointment he had always felt as a kid, when, after making a new friend, they had done something that made him look at them sideways. He had expected more professionalism from Mallory where Jeremy was concerned. He didn't want to have to look at her sideways.
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At three o'clock sharp, the secretary pointed Jess down the hall to a small office for his meeting. He still wasn't sure he approved of Mallory's methods, but he couldn't keep himself from smiling at the prospect of seeing her again, just the two of them. The corners of his mouth kept turning up even as his brain sent the message to be serious. Nothing could happen now. Nothing could happen until Jeremy graduated. He needed to maintain a personal standard as a parent where Jeremy was concerned.
It wasn't until he walked in the door to find Mallory sitting at a small round table with Dean Forester, both clearly expecting him, that it hit Jess that the meeting was real.
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Jess stood in the doorway like a deer in the headlights. Mallory and Dean stood up, and Mallory walked toward him. "Hi Mr. Mariano. Thanks so much for coming." She extended her hand and Jess shook it, still feeling shocked and speechless. "And, I believe you already know Mr. Forester." She gestured toward Dean, who had walked around the table and was standing next to her, enthusiastic smile on his face.
"Oh, me and Jess go way back. It's good to see you, Jess." Dean's smile increased in wattage as he extended his hand and as much as Jess wanted to ignore it, to keep his eyes trained on Mallory and dismiss Dean entirely, he knew it would only make him look immature and ridiculous in front of Mallory.
Jess shook Dean's hand. "So, what is this all about?" Jess addressed his question to Mallory. "And why is he here?" He turned to Dean, doing his best to keep his voice even and appear in control. "No offense, but I didn't think you were even one of Jeremy's teachers. It's my understanding that you were his baseball coach. And, since he no longer plays baseball." Jess shrugged slightly, raising his hands, palms up. "I'm having a little trouble doing the math on why you need to be involved with anything to do with him now. Maybe you can help me out with that."
When Jess turned back to Mallory, she looked a little taken aback and Jess realized his delivery probably hadn't been anywhere near as cool and unaffected as he had intended. He needed to not let fucking Forester get to him. He wasn't going to let him mess up anything with Mallory before it even started.
"You're right, Jess." Dean said. "It's ok if I call you Jess, right? I feel like it would be pretty awkward for us to start calling each other Mr. Mariano and Mr. Forester at this point." Dean was smiling warmly at him. Professionally. Looking like the caring professional that any parent would be happy to know was looking after their child at school. And, it was pissing Jess off.
He felt like snapping back that he didn't give a shit what Dean called him he just wanted him to get out of his face and stop fucking looming over him. It seemed absurd, but it felt like Dean was even taller than he had been in high school. "Yeah, if course. That's fine."
"Ok. Great! So, I get why you're confused. The baseball coach isn't usually in on these kinds of meetings with parents." Dean shot a look at Mallory. "Uh, hey, why don't we all sit down, first. I think we'll be more comfortable that way."
"Yes. Let's do that!" They were both so cheery and enthusiastic, as if Dean's annoyingness was rubbing off on Mallory. Jess's face hurt from being forced into a neutral expression when it wanted to scowl. They all took seats at the table. Jess had to admit he did feel more comfortable with Dean no longer towering over him. "So, Dean is with us today because Jeremy spoke to him about some of his concerns regarding college. Jeremy has expressed some of the same concerns to me, and we thought it would be a good idea to talk to you to make sure we're all on the same page."
Jess was watching her curiously. "Ok. I really don't understand what the problem is. Jeremy got into three colleges. He's a great student." Jess remembered the conversation in the grocery store, and the one while they were playing catch before Jeremy had taken a baseball to the face. He started to feel an embarrassing burning feeling rising in his chest. Jeremy was worried about money for college. Fuck. "I know Jeremy's been stressed about money and me being able to afford college and everything. He even offered to stay local and go to community college to save money." Jess couldn't tell who he was more embarrassed in front of, Dean or Mallory. For entirely different reasons, they were two of the last people Jess wanted to have thinking he couldn't afford to send his kid to college. "I told him not to worry about it. That I could handle it. He's going to college in the fall. A four year school, with a dorm room and everything."
Jess watched Dean and Mallory exchange a look and he felt his anger rising and mixing with his embarrassment. Fucking stupid Dean Forester exchanging looks with Mallory.
"I really don't get why this is a big deal. Has Jeremy said something lately? Because he and I have had this conversation. Twice now. He knows I can afford to send him to college." Jess thought about how ridiculous that statement sounded. "I mean, it might not be easy, but I'll work it out. He knows that."
"Jeremy actually spoke to both of us just yesterday about his concerns." Mallory said.
"Money was one of the things that Jeremy mentioned to me." Dean opened the manilla folder lying in front of him on the table. "He's definitely worried about the cost of college-"
"I know he is." Jess could hear the snappishness in his own voice and tried to tone it down. "I just told you that. He's my kid. Don't you think I know what he's worried about?"
"Right. Of course you do. I didn't meant to imply otherwise." Dean's voice was calm and placating, his eyes warm and earnest, and the combination was making Jess crazy. "I did a little research on some things that I thought might be helpful to you and Jeremy." He pulled a sheet of paper out of the folder and slid it across the table to Jess. It was a list of websites with brief descriptions after each one. "My wife, Jenny, is a Foster Youth Achievement Counselor in the Hartford school district. We don't have one of those here because our school system is so small and there hasn't been a great need for one. This is the list of scholarships and grants that kids who age out of the foster care system can apply for. Most of them are privately funded, so it doesn't matter which state a kid was in for foster care. And, from what I understand from Jeremy, he officially aged out back in Philadelphia before you moved him here and adopted him. Do I have that, right?"
Jess couldn't tell what was pissing him off more. That Dean was offering him what was likely a useful resource or that Jeremy had spoken to Dean about the adoption. "Yeah. I adopted him after he turned eighteen and aged out." Jess looked down at the paper in front of him to avoid Dean's gaze and tried to sound casual. "He told you about that?"
"Yeah. He told me one day after practice. I was talking about knowing you in high school and I think he wanted to." Dean smiled. "Defend your honor and make it clear that you hadn't gotten his mom pregnant when you were fifteen. And, then I asked him when he had been adopted, and I told him that he didn't need to tell me anything if he wasn't comfortable talking about it, but he said it was ok, and he told me about aging out of the system in Pennsylvania and you adopting him in Connecticut." Dean paused. "He told me how close you guys are and how great it is to finally have a parent and a family."
Jess wasn't sure what to say. He liked to think that Jeremy had confided in Dean before the kid had picked up on Jess's long-harbored dislike for the man. "Ok. Well, thanks for this." Jess held up the sheet up paper. "We'll look into these." Jess pushed his chair back from the table. "Is that all?"
"There's actually another concern of Jeremy's that we would like to address with you, too." Mallory said. "Jeremy is definitely worried about his financial situation, but I think his larger concern regarding college is that he doesn't want to go away for school. He doesn't feel like he's ready to leave you."
Jess's mind flashed back to the conversation in the town square when they were playing catch. Jeremy talking about a semester or a year of community college, how he had wanted to stay around here for school. And, Jess dismissing it as money worries that he didn't want Jeremy to have to deal with. "He said that?"
"He told me that he didn't think he wanted to go to any of the schools he got into. He said they all seemed too far away. He seemed really down about the whole situation. Not, the way I would expect a kid who just got into college to act." Dean said.
"He told me the same. When I prodded him about why, he said that he wants to stay with you longer. He feels like he just got a parent and a family and he isn't ready to not have you in his life on a day to day basis yet. He was clearly embarrassed by how he felt. He told me that he knows he should want to go away to school and be on his own, but he doesn't. I told him there was no should. How he feels is how he feels and that he should talk to you about it."
"And, this isn't uncommon at all." Dean jumped back in. "According to Jenny, lots of kids who get adopted late in their youth, end up staying in their parents' home, by choice, for a year or two after turning eighteen. They're sometimes fearful of being out on their own again, because they know how tough it is. And, sometimes they just want more time to keep forming a bond with their new family. And, since Jeremy was adopted extremely late, at eighteen, it makes sense that he might not feel ready to be on his own again so soon."
"And, that's pretty much how Jeremy phrased it to me." Mallory said. "That he just got a dad and a family and he wanted more time with all of you before he was back out in the world on his own. Jeremy seems pretty anxious about the idea that he could end up alone again. That comes up quite frequently when I talk to him."
Jess winced, feeling hurt at the idea that his son is still scared that he'll end up alone again. He felt like a failure as a parent.
Mallory was shaking her head, her expression warm and encouraging. "Please don't take that to mean that he doesn't trust you. It's my impression that he does. Very much. But, some things, some fears, are so deeply ingrained that they're always there on some level. And, the idea of going away to college and leaving his family has triggered this fear for Jeremy. It isn't anything to do with you not making him feel loved. It's actually just the opposite. I think he does feel loved and he's so happy to have you in his life, that it's hard for him to not worry about losing you, just like he's lost everyone else in his life. Jeremy has no relationships or active connections from his entire childhood. No family member or friend that he still has that he can look at as an example of someone staying in his life for longer than a year or two. I don't know about you guys, but it's pretty impossible for me to wrap my head around how that would feel, spending your whole life with no permanent relationships, only foster families, case workers and friends shuffling in and out of your life. It's bound to leave some serious scars."
Jess was starting to feel like an asshole. Jeremy had tried to talk to him about this twice now, and each time Jess hadn't really listened. Had projected his own financial worries onto Jeremy and inadvertently brushed Jeremy's real concerns aside. He was such an ass. "So, it this still something he can do? It's not too late to apply to local school if he wants to?"
The smile that bloomed on Mallory's face at his questions made Jess wonder if she had been sizing up his character during this meeting the way he had been hers when he had first received the call about the meeting. She might have come into this meeting wondering if he was a well-meaning but clueless parent, or someone who was truly being a dick to his son and forcing him to do something he didn't want to do.
Mallory's expression was serious again, professional. "It's too late to apply for any four year schools, but Jeremy could still apply to a local community college. There's one about twenty minutes from Stars Hollow that is still accepting applications for the fall. Or he could take a semester off and apply to local four year schools for the spring semester."
"We'll look into the community college." Jess said. "I don't want him taking any time off. I feel like it's too easy for a semester off to turn into longer, and I don't want him to lose momentum for school."
"I think that's wise." Dean said. "I stopped taking classes during my freshman year of college to work fulltime and it ended up taking me seven years to go back and finish."
Jess gave Dean a wry smile. "At least you finished. I made it back for my GED, that's it." Jess realized what he said too late and kept his eyes trained on Dean to avoid meeting Mallory's. It's not like he would ever lie about his education, but it wasn't something he had expected to divulge to the woman he was interested in before they had even made it out on a date. It was information to reveal slowly, after they had spent enough time together for him to be sure that she thought he was intelligent.
Dean was giving him that earnest, encouraging look again. Charisse had had it, too. Maybe all good teachers did. "It's never too late, Jess. I finished my undergrad at twenty-nine and my masters at thirty-two. And, I can tell you, I was never the oldest person in class. I did my first two years at a community college to save money. I did everything part-time while I worked full-time, had little kids, and still found time to get Jenny pregnant four times. You could totally do it and still work and have time for Jeremy."
Jess huffed out a quiet laugh.
"I'll bet Jeremy would love to have you as a classmate at community college in the fall." Jess could hear the smile in Mallory's voice and he braved a look at her. She was grinning broadly at him.
"Yeah." Jess agreed. "I'll bet he would, but I don't think that's going to happen." Jess could entertain the idea here, could picture he and Jeremy driving to school together, studying together at home. But, Jess knew he would barely be able to afford to put Jeremy through school. He would never be able to finance two educations at the same time, never mind if he factored in the hours of work he would lose to pursue his own degree. "All right. I'm going to go home and talk to Jeremy about all this. Thanks for bringing it to my attention."
"You know, gentleman, I'm really happy with how well this meeting went." Mallory was smiling brightly, speaking as though to students who had been unexpectedly cooperative. "It wasn't until I saw you both standing next to each other that I remembered a rumor I heard way back when about an incident at Kyle Gibson's party my junior year."
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Jess walked into the diner looking for his son, determined to make things right. It was still mid-afternoon and there were only a handful of customers seated at tables along the window. Luke was standing behind the counter talking to Jeremy, who was seated on a stool with a milkshake and a basket of fries in front of him. Jess walked up behind him and heard the very end of Luke's story. A line involving Jess's grandfather and tangled fishing line. The punchline must have made sense to someone who had heard the entire story because Jeremy was laughing loudly as Luke finished. Jess sat down on the stool next to him.
"So, this is what passes for working in this joint, nowadays?" Jess cocked an eyebrow at his son, then turned to his uncle.
"Hey, Jeremy needs to take it easy." Luke said. "You heard the doctor. He's not supposed to be over-exerting himself with that bruise and his broken bone."
"Huh. I seem to remember coming to work with a black eye once. I don't remember my shift starting with milkshakes, snacks and story time. All I remember is a lot of yelling."
Luke gave him a fond smile. "You would have rejected a milkshake on general principle, probably with some snarky joke comparing Stars Hollow to an episode of Happy Days."
"All I'm going to say to that is, you'll never know because you never asked."
Luke laughed, but it looked a little off to Jess, not quite reaching the man's eyes. "I guess you have a point there, nephew. You want me to get you a milkshake now to make up for it?"
"No, but I do need to talk to my kid. Can I take him upstairs for a few minutes?"
"Can't you just talk to him here?" Luke gestured toward Jeremy's food. "His fries will get cold."
"It's private." Jess said, shooting a glance at his son who was sipping his milkshake from a straw, silently watching Luke and Jess talk about him like he was watching a tennis match.
"I can give you guys space." Luke jerked a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the kitchen. "I'll go do something else."
"He can bring the fries." Jess said. "I'll send the empty dishes and the kid back down in ten minutes."
"All right." Luke gave in. "Go. Take your time. It won't get busy in here for a while."
"Thank you." Jess turned to his son. "Is that ok with you, Jeremy?"
The boy was nodding. "Yeah, Dad, of course."
Jess picked up the basket of fries. "I'll grab these, you bring your milkshake." Jess watched the boy obediently stand up and grab his half-full glass and a couple of napkins. It hit Jess for the millionth time since taking Jeremy in that he had a really good kid.
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Jeremy was nervous. Jess didn't seem angry, but he didn't exactly seem happy either. He had come into the diner acting playful and sarcastic, but Jeremy had learned that sometimes sarcasm was just Jess's default setting and not indicative of his mood at all. And Jess's overall mood that afternoon seemed to be seriousness.
After greeting Winston, they had sat down at the kitchen table, but Jeremy hadn't touched his shake or fries.
"Is it ok if I steal one of those guys?" Jess kept his hand raised, poised above the fries waiting for Jeremy's permission.
"Yeah, of course." Jeremy pushed the basket toward Jess. "Help yourself."
"Thanks." Jess looked thoughtful as he chewed the fry and swallowed. "So, I've been giving it some thought, Jeremy, and I'm thinking that maybe you should stay local for college. I feel like I just got a kid, and I'm not ready for him to move out yet. I don't think Luke and everyone else are ready to see you go so soon either. I think it would be in the best interest of our whole family if you hung around a while longer. What do you think?"
Jeremy could feel the grin spreading on his face so quickly it brought on a twinge of pain surrounding his injured eye. "You're not mad?"
Jess smiled back at him with the same warmth in his expression that had made Jeremy first want him for a dad all those months ago. "Only at myself for not listening to you. I'm sorry about that."
"It's ok, Jess. Really."
"It's not. We shouldn't need other people to step in and help us communicate with each other. I want our relationship to work better than that." Jess paused. "And, I never want to have Dean Forester explaining to me how my kid feels ever again."
Jeremy felt the surprise register on his face. "Coach Forester was there, too?"
"Yep. Coach Forester and Ms. Howard. Guidance counselor Howard? How does that work?"
"Oh, shit! I'm sorry! I didn't know Ms. Howard was going to have him there, too. I swear. I know how much you hate that guy."
"I don't hate him. You're so dramatic. He was fine. The most annoying thing about him today was that he knew more about my kid than I did."
"I'm sorry. I tried to talk to you….."
"I know you did. I'm lucky I have a kid who comes to me to talk about what's bothering him. I just feel bad that you don't have a dad with better listening skills. That doesn't seem fair to you."
"It's not like I really explained myself very well. I felt kind of embarrassed about everything and I know I was never really clear about how I felt."
"I should have realized you were upset and acknowledged that something serious was going on. I feel like I let you down."
Jeremy smiled. "You're acknowledging it now."
"Yes, I am." Jeremy basked in the warmth radiating from Jess's smile. "Oh, they gave me a list of scholarships and stuff that you can apply for as a former foster kid." Jess pulled the sheet of paper out of his pocket, unfolded it, and handed it to Jeremy. "We should get on those."
"Ok. Yeah, I will. Thanks."
"And, I'm thinking community college, Jeremy. Not a semester off. Does that sound ok to you? I know you're serious about school, but I don't want you to lose the momentum you have now. It's really easy to think you're going to go back to something, but then way leads on to way, and you never make it back. That can happen so much easier and quicker than you think."
Jeremy recognized the phrasing and it took him back to studying the poem in eighth grade. Even at that age, the sentiment had left him feeling a sense of grief, and it made him sad to know that Jess had a road not taken that he couldn't get past. "Yeah, that's fine, Dad. Whatever you think. I've looked into Wolliston Community College. It's like less than thirty minutes away by bus. And they're still accepting applications. I could go there."
Jess looked like he was seriously contemplating the idea, but Jeremy could see the levity in his expression. "Yeah, I guess that's close enough. Though, I have to say, I like knowing you're right across the street at school now."
Jeremy grinned. "I like that, too."
"Just so you know, Jeremy. This isn't just for you. I want this, too. I'm serious when I say that I hated the idea of you moving away for school from the beginning. But, I figured every parent hates their kid leaving. That I was going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I didn't want to stand in your way. And, when you brought up staying local for financial reasons…..I dug in even more against the idea of you staying at home. I didn't want you to miss out on something because you thought I couldn't afford it."
"I appreciate that. You have no idea how much."
"I will work my ass off to make sure you get the best education, the best start in your adult life that you can get. I mean that, Jeremy. Now. And, a year from now. Whenever you transfer to a four year school. Until the day you graduate with a college degree."
"Thank you. I love you so much, Dad." Jeremy could feel his eyes getting wet. He really didn't want to start crying. He had so much more than he had ever thought he would. Sometimes being loved felt overwhelming. Then Jeremy's mind went to Ms. Howard, and Jess's interest in her.
"I love you too, kid."
"But, uh…" Jeremy wasn't sure how to phrase this without either sounding completely pathetic, or offending Jess. "What if you start dating Ms. Howard?"
Jess gave him a puzzled look. "What do you mean? I thought you said you were ok with me asking her out after you graduate."
"I am." Like the previous night on the walk home from the bookstore, it felt like the truth, that he could get past the things he had disclosed to her, and her seeing him cry. "But, I mean, if you start dating her…...are you still going to be ok with me staying local for school and living here another year? I don't want to be in your way or anything."
Jess leveled a serious gaze at his son. "Jeremy, that might be the dumbest thing you've ever said."
Jeremy barked out a surprised laugh. "Hey, that's mean!"
Jess imitated Jeremy's mocking tone from their walk home the night before. "What are you going to do, report me to my guidance counselor?"
Jeremy laughed again, feeling lighter, like everything was going to be ok. He needed to hold onto this moment, this feeling that it was impossible to believe things would ever not feel this good between him and Jess. "I just, I don't know, don't want to be in your way if you start dating her, or anyone, I guess, and you want to have her over, and be alone with her."
"Jeremy, let me make this really clear. You are my child. You are never in my way. There's no one in my life that comes before you. If I ever get married, or have another child, you may end up tied for the top spot, hopefully with people that you love, too, but no one will ever be ranked above you. Not to me. Not ever. I promise you that, and I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it."
Jeremy stared at Jess wordlessly, feeling his emotions overwhelming him.
"Think about what you're asking. Do you think Luke ever thinks that me and April are in his way?"
Jeremy slowly shook his head.
"Do Lorelai and Luke ever think that Rory and Leelee are in their way even though they have four people living on top of each other in a house that can only comfortably house two?"
Another shake of the head, along with a small smile.
"What about Liz and TJ? You ever hear them telling Doula to get the hell out of their way?"
Jeremy shook his head again, even though it made him sad that Jess didn't include himself in the example with Liz. Jeremy figured it was because Liz had felt that Jess was in her way when he was a kid.
Jeremy could feel tears pooling in his eyes and he wiped at them with the back of his hand. "I really love you, Jess. Have I said that already?"
"C'mere, kid." Jess stood up and walked around the table. Jeremy stood up and let himself be pulled into a warm embrace. "I love you, too. So much. Nothing and no one will ever change that."
Jeremy let Jess hold him for a long moment, feeling safe and comfortable in his embrace. He felt Jess cup the back of his head with one palm and drop a kiss on the side of his head. Jeremy loved knowing that Jess would hold him until he pulled back on his own. It was how Jess always hugged him. After a while, Jeremy reluctantly pulled back to find Jess smiling at him, warm and concerned, holding him by the shoulders at arms' length. "You good, Jeremy?"
Jeremy nodded, wiping at his uninjured eye. "Yeah, I'm good."
Jess smirked. "Then you better get yourself cleaned up and get your ass back to work. Community college isn't going to pay for itself you know."