Chapter 42 Notes: Here's a little bit of forward progress with Jess's love life. Thanks so much for all the reviews from the last chapter. I really appreciate each and every one. :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.
Jess was working on his laptop, researching local authors for his next event at the bookstore. He was also watching his son. The boy sat across the table from him, laptop and textbook open in front of him, scribbling something into a notebook. Jeremy would be graduating high school soon. He hadn't even been part of Jess's life for a full calendar year. That seemed an impossible fact when Jess thought about how much he had bonded to Jeremy. Some days it still felt so wild when he thought about the fact that he had a kid. As if he couldn't believe he had actually done what he had, adopting a teenage boy as a single parent. Other days it seemed crazy that he hadn't had Jeremy forever. Jess rarely thought about his life before Jeremy was in it. He would have a stray thought, here and there, when something reminded him of his teenage years with Luke, or a moment with Charisse, or something at Truncheon. But, all those things, the whole life he had carefully cultivated for himself in Philadelphia, now felt like the aberration, a placeholder for what he had really been meant to do all along, live his real life here in Stars Hollow, fathering this amazing kid and having a clear and meaningful purpose for the first time in his life.
"What?" Jeremy looked up from his homework and caught Jess staring.
"Huh? Oh, nothing." Jess said.
"Uh, you're kind of staring at me." Jeremy's mouth curved up at the corners.
"Sorry. I was just thinking."
"Did you want to maybe elaborate on that…...or….?"
Jess smiled at the boy. "I was just thinking about when I first got you."
Jeremy frowned comically. "That makes me sound like a puppy."
"Huh." Jess said. "I was thinking about when you first came to live with me. Is that better?"
Jeremy nodded. "Yeah. What were you thinking about it?"
Jess shrugged slightly. "Just that it was possibly the single greatest day of my life."
Jeremy looked a little uncomfortable, and Jess assumed it was the boy's usual reaction to being praised or told how valuable he was. "I hate thinking about that first night."
"Really? I kind of like thinking about it. It's the origin story of our relationship. Like the day the Kents found Kal-El in the cornfield when he was a baby."
Jeremy cringed. "Yeah, but I was such an idiot that night. I made such a fool of myself. It's embarrassing."
Jess shrugged, remembering the boy talking back to him, trying to goad him, and then breaking down in sobs at his kitchen table in Philly. "That part's water under the bridge. You were nervous. So was I. I wasn't at my best that night either."
The boy laughed softly. "Yeah, you were pretty nervous. I remember you trying so hard to be funny and charming. I didn't know at the time that that was just how you act when you're nervous and trying to make a good impression on someone. I was worried you were this giant tool." The boy made himself laugh again at his description. This was familiar territory. Jess knew that he hadn't made the best first impression on Jeremy.
"It was a little of both." Jess nodded thoughtfully. "I was nervous, but I also used to be kind of a tool."
Jeremy huffed out one final laugh. "No, you weren't. Why would you say that?"
"I don't know. I just kind of was. I was way too into my appearance back then, like my hair and my clothes. I would seriously freak out if I missed a workout. And, I was pretty impressed with myself for parlaying one short novel and about seven eighths of a high school education into a job in publishing. I turned down a free college education when it was offered because I was too cocky to think I would ever need it. I thought pretty highly of myself back then." Jess considered the facts. He didn't want to get into things he had done to Charisse that would also qualify him for the label, but he couldn't keep them out of his mind. The way he had wasted her time at the end, not fully committed to fostering and starting a family with her but not brave enough to be honest with her, either. The way he had let her slip away from him as if he had had nothing to lose. As if his life would be so full of opportunities like that, and women like her, that he had had the audacity to do anything other than hold onto her with everything he had. "Yeah, I'd say I was a bit of tool back then, for sure."
Jeremy was smiling broadly. "So, does that mean you don't consider yourself a tool anymore?"
Jess made a face of exaggerated concentration as he considered the question. "I think I might be in recovery now."
"One day at a time, huh?"
"Something like that. I think having you in my life has made me a better person. It's helped me to really clarify my priorities, and just…." Jess couldn't come up with a better description. "Made me better." Jess thought about his minimal wardrobe, his minimal lifestyle in some ways. His goodwill hoodie. The bagged lunches he ate in his car. Still making it to the gym a few mornings a week, but not stressing when he needed to skip a workout to help Luke with the breakfast shift, and never working out in the evenings any more, choosing to spend his precious free time with Jeremy and Winston. Being someone who appreciated his entire family and could graciously accept help when he needed it. "When I think about who I was before you….I don't know, I guess I just like who I am now more than who I used to be."
Jeremy was smiling. "I'm glad I could be a good influence on you."
Jess smiled back. "Me too."
Jeremy went back to writing in his notebook for a moment, before looking up again. "I like myself more now, too. You haven't exactly been a terrible influence on me, either."
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"So, how did things go with the blond dick the other night?" Jess asked casually from behind the counter at the bookstore as he finished ringing up the baby books. Luke had told him that Logan had stayed for another hour after he and Jeremy had left, and that Rory had seemed down the next day. Jess knew it wasn't his business, that the days of him being in the position to offer her advice, no matter how well-intentioned, were long past. But he did care about Rory, in an old friends slash step-cousins kind of way. He knew Luke was worried about the blond dick coming and going and wreaking havoc on Rory's emotions the way her own father used to do to Lorelai. Jess had to admit he was, too. He knew Rory was just as responsible for the affair as Logan was, but she didn't deserve a lifetime of being jerked around for it.
Rory frowned disapprovingly. "Seriously? You're going to call him that in front of Leelee?"
"I just wanted to make sure you knew who I was talking about." Jess's tone was light. "I thought it might confuse you if I called him anything else."
Rory looked down at her daughter in the stroller in front of her and used her talking to a baby voice. "I only see one dick here, Leelee, and it's your Uncle Jess. Isn't that right, sweetie? What do you think?"
"I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say dick in front of a baby, Rory." Jess feigned admonishment.
"You started it! Plus, it doesn't matter what you say to them as long as you say it in the right tone." She looked down at her daughter and baby-talked to her. "Right, honey? Uncle Jess is being a dick, isn't he? Yes, he is!" Leelee laughed delightedly at the attention and kicked her feet. Rory turned back to Jess. "See?"
"Wow, that's some mighty fine parenting right there. You must be a graduate of the Liz Danes life coaching program."
They made eye contact and broke into loud laughter as Jess handed Rory back her credit card along with the paper bag of her purchases.
Jess's attention was pulled away from Rory as the bell above the door rang and Mallory Howard walked in. The laughter trailed off.
"Hi." Jess felt caught off guard and couldn't think of anything else to say. He felt Rory watching him and probably mentally mocking his reaction to Mallory.
"Hi, Jess." Mallory smiled brightly and stopped a few feet from the counter, as if she didn't want to intrude on his conversation with Rory. Jess thought about how he must look. Laughing comfortably with a beautiful woman, the same woman he had been talking to and laughing with at the bookstore when Mallory had left without saying hello. He didn't want her to get the wrong idea.
"Mallory, do you know Rory?" Jess asked. "She's my step-cousin. Luke's step-daughter." Jess stopped himself just in time before adding, we're related, to really drive home the point that nothing romantic was going on here. He wanted it clear that he was still single and available, but he didn't want to belabor the point.
"Hi, it's nice to meet you, Mallory." Rory smiled and extended a hand to shake.
Mallory smiled back as they shook. "You too. I feel like you look familiar. Were you friends with Lane Kim when we were kids?"
"Yes. Best friends. We're still close."
"And, you went to all the Korean weddings at Mrs. Kim's, right?" Mallory asked.
"Yep, that was me." Rory smiled. "The sole non-Korean in attendance."
"I remember! Ugh, my mom used to drag me to those things! It's good to see you again."
"You too."
"And, who's this cute little girl?" Mallory was looking at Leelee now, bending down in front of her. Leelee was smiling and laughing at the attention from a new person. Jess felt forgotten. This was not going the way he wanted.
"That's my daughter, Leelee." Rory said.
"Aren't you just the sweetest little thing?" Mallory cooed.
Jess was giving Rory the most pointed stink-eye he could muster over Mallory's head. He knew Rory understood the meaning because she smirked at him. "Well, Leelee and I should really get going. It was nice to see you again, Mallory. Maybe we'll run into you again sometime." She shot Jess a mocking look and he wanted to toss her out of the store. "Jess." She nodded seriously in his direction, the goodbye formal to the point of silliness.
"See ya, Rory. Bye, Leelee."
Jess waited until Rory was safely outside to turn his attention to Mallory, who was giving him a smile that looked like trouble. "Cute kid. Yours?"
Jess barked out a laugh. "Hmm…...the idea that you're asking that about the baby of a woman I just introduced as my step-cousin makes me worry about the family dynamics at your house." Jess pulled out what he considered his most playfully charming smile as Mallory laughed. "But, just to be clear. No. Jeremy is my only kid." Jess remembered the sobering moment at the end of the Uber ride and mentally kicked himself for bringing Jeremy up right off the bat like that.
"Ah, Jeremy. The high school senior. The person who will no longer be a student at the school I work at in three short weeks."
Jess nodded. "Yup, that's the one."
"I'm going to be really honest with you here, Jess. Can you handle that?" She smiled mischievously. "Cause some guys can't."
Jess could feel the corners of his mouth pulling upward on their own. "I can handle it." Jess was captivated, and slightly nervous.
"I'm not here to buy a book."
Jess felt something in his heart relax that he hadn't realized had been tight. "Well, if you're here to shoplift one, you should know I'm duty bound to call the police no matter how much I like you."
She smiled. "There's this little thing called the prom coming up. You may have heard of it."
Jess knew he was grinning like an idiot, but he couldn't stop himself. "Sounds familiar. I've never been to one myself, but I did read Carrie three times as a kid."
She huffed out a laugh. "Well, I'm a faculty chaperone this year. And, we are still in desperate need of two more parent chaperones. And, I was wondering…." She faltered, seemed to lose her brazenness for a moment. Jess leaned forward, expectantly.
"If I had any pig's blood you could borrow?" He asked.
Her smile was genuine, radiating warmth, and Jess soaked it up. "The way I see it." She took a breath and Jess was relieved to see her looking a little uneasy. It made him feel like he wasn't in this alone. It mattered to her, too. "I feel like there could be something here." She motioned between them with one hand. "If I'm crazy, tell me I am. But, I felt like we…..connected in the Uber. I don't know about you, but all my Uber rides don't go like that one."
"It would be the greatest job in the world if all my Uber rides went like that one."
She smiled at him, so open and honestly that it made his heart hurt. "Jess Mariano, will you go to the prom with me?"
Jess grinned. "I would love to." Then the reality of their situation hit. "But, I need to run it by Jeremy first and make sure he's ok with his dad crashing his prom. He's going with a friend, not a date. So, I don't think he'll mind, but I still need to check."
She was smiling at him indulgently, and he wasn't sure how to take it.
"Is it a huge turnoff that I need to check with my kid first?" He tried to play it off as a joke, but he was worried. He thought back to his own advice to Jeremy, that he should never tell a girl who asked him out that he needed to check with his dad first.
"Not at all. I get it. I can wait." She smiled mischievously and Jess knew that she was about to tease him. It felt intimate that he could already recognize one of her tells. "But, if you need to check with your mommy and daddy, too, we could have a problem."
Jess laughed. "Oh, wow! It's like that, huh?"
Mallory shook her head slowly, expression serious for the first time since entering the store. "No. It's not. I think it's really cool how respectful you are of Jeremy's feelings."
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"Hey, Jess!" Luke greeted him with a smile as he walked into the diner after work that night. The dinner rush had come and gone and the dining room was pretty empty with only a few tables of customers.
Jess nodded as he approached the empty counter, remaining standing as he greeted his uncle, who was wiping down the counter with a dish towel. He was feeling a little guilty about making plans with Mallory when he suspected Jeremy was not in favor of him dating her, and he was looking for Luke to reassure him that he hadn't done anything wrong and make him feel better about it. "Hey, Luke. Can I talk to you for a minute?" Jess knew that Jeremy had the evening off and was upstairs studying, but he kept his voice low anyway.
Luke froze, his hand stopped in mid air still holding the towel. He looked at Jess, studying him hard. "No." His voice was firm, stern even. He threw the towel down on the counter and turned to walk away.
It wasn't the reaction Jess was expecting. "No?" He repeated incredulously. "What's with you?"
Luke turned back around and covered the few steps back to Jess quickly, looming angrily over him from across the counter. "No. I don't want to hear it! You cannot do this, Jess. You gave me your word. You sat there at Sniffy's and you agreed you would go to college. You know how much this means to me! You know this is the best thing for you! You can't go back on what we agreed to. I won't let you."
Luke's voice had risen as he spoke and Jess could sense the customers' attention on them in the now silent diner. "Jeez, Luke! You just gave me a stress flashback to my senior year of high school!" Luke was still staring hard at Jess, his expression firm. "That's not what I want to talk to you about. I'm not backing out of going to college."
"You're not?" Jess watched Luke's shoulders visibly lower, the expression on his face relax slightly.
"I'm not." Jess said. He felt a little defensive over the accusation but also guilty that it was the first thing that had occurred to Luke. "I am still very much college bound in the fall."
"You are?"
"I am." Jess was feeling magnanimous. He didn't appreciate the expectation that he would change his mind and mess this opportunity up, but he had done just that enough times in the past that he could understand Luke's concern. Jess watched Luke glance around the diner, taking in the witnesses to the scene he had created, looking ashamed of his behavior. Jess heard murmuring begin again behind him, the clink of silverware on plates resuming. "So, did you get your fill of embarrassing me in public, or do you want to maybe slap me around a little, too?"
Luke looked back at Jess with regret and apology written all over his face. "I'm sorry, Jess. I just…..I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."
Jess sat down on the stool in front of him, and shrugged. He was a little hurt, but not enough to make a big deal of it. "It's ok, Luke. I know you were just worried because you care about me, and I know that you like to yell when you're worried."
Luke nodded, looking pained. "Thanks, Jess. I uh, I don't want you to think I expect the worst from you. I honestly don't. I'm so proud of you."
"I know."
"I think this whole college thing is giving me flashbacks, too. I really am sorry."
"It's ok, Luke. I'll live." Jess watched his uncle's expression soften.
"If you still want to talk to me, I'm all ears."
Jess smiled at his uncle. "I got asked to the prom today."
Luke smiled, but it didn't hold the mocking that such an announcement normally would have elicited, and Jess knew his uncle still felt badly. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Jess lowered his voice. "Mallory Howard came by the bookstore today specifically to ask me. She thinks there could be something between us and she wants to give it a shot."
"Ok, but why the prom?" Luke asked.
"She's a faculty chaperone and she's short two parent chaperones, so I guess she's killing two birds with one stone. But, she made it really clear that she's into me. We'll be there as chaperones, but I definitely got the impression it was datish. Like a pre-first-date, hanging out type situation."
"Huh. What did you say? I mean, you like this girl, don't you? Mallory's the girl you were mooning over at the bookstore the night of your thing, right?"
"I wasn't mooning over her, but yes, I do like her. A lot. I said I would love to go, but that I needed to check with Jeremy first to make sure it was all right with him for his dad to be hanging around at his prom."
"What do you think he's going to say?"
Jess thought about that. "I don't think he'll care about me being at the prom. He's going with his friend Cassidy, not with an actual date, so I don't think it will be super awkward for him or anything. I'm more concerned about how he feels about me dating his guidance counselor, or his soon to be former guidance counselor, in general."
"Have you guys talked about this at all?"
"We talked about it the night of the author reading at the bookstore. On our walk home. Apparently he thought I was mooning over Mallory that night, too, because he called me out on it."
"What did he think about it?"
"He seemed fine with it. He was playing around, teasing me about how I was drooling over her, which I totally wasn't. He said he was ok with me dating her, and we left it with me saying that nothing would happen until he'd graduated and that I'd check in with him to make sure he was still ok before I asked her out or anything."
"So, what's the problem? You don't believe him?" Luke asked.
"Remember that night you drove us to the emergency room?"
"Of course."
"And remember the conversation in the truck on the way home. About the pretty doctor?"
"Oh." Jess watched the light dawn on Luke. "Yeah. I forgot about that. But, the kid was high as a kite on painkillers. I'm guessing when he really thought about it when he was sober he must have come to terms with it if he told you he was ok with you dating her."
"I'm just worried that he was telling me the truth when he was out of it that night at the ER. And, that he was telling me what I wanted to hear the night at the bookstore."
"Is that so terrible?" Luke asked.
"Um, yeah. I think it would make me a pretty selfish parent to date someone my kid isn't totally on board with."
Luke considered this. "I don't know. I think Jeremy was telling the truth when he was high. It probably would be weird for him, at least a little, at first, if you dated his guidance counselor. But, maybe when he thought about it later, when all his brain cells were actually functioning, he realized he was being selfish."
"How is that any better than him telling me what I want to hear? Either way, he doesn't really want me to date her."
"It's better because he doesn't want to stand in the way of something he knows you want. I know how he feels about you, Jess. I'm betting now that he's thought it over, he's willing to tolerate the awkwardness of having his soon to be ex-guidance counselor dating his dad if he thinks it will make you happy. I don't see it as him telling you what you want to hear as much as I see him wanting to do the right thing and be the best person he can be for someone he loves."
"You don't think I'm a terrible parent for not putting my kid first?"
"I don't think you're a terrible parent, period. You do put your kid first, Jess. All the time. But, you have to put yourself somewhere in there, too. Jeremy's eighteen. He's starting college in the fall. I think he's old enough to know his own mind. If you ask him and he says he's ok with it, I think you need to trust that he means it. That he's ok with you dating this girl, or that's he's working on being ok with it."
"It doesn't make me like Liz, though, right?" Jess asked quietly, not realizing his brain had made the comparison until the words were out of his mouth.
Luke smiled. "I don't know. Does this girl have an arrest record, a drug habit, or an etch-a-sketch?"
"Not that I'm aware of, but you can't always tell by looking."
Luke huffed out a laugh. "You're a very different kind of parent than you mother was, Jess. But, can I tell you one thing?"
"Sure."
"I wish I had started dating Lorelai sooner. I had this massive crush on her forever-"
"No? Really? I never would have guessed."
Luke laughed. "Don't be a smartass. My point is that I used you and your issues with Lorelai as a convenient excuse to not pursue anything with her when you lived with me. Then, when I met April, I was engaged to Lorelai and I used April as an excuse to push her away. And, April was a friendly kid. She liked everyone. And, now, only this past year since you've been back, has it gotten to the point that I feel like we have one big happy family that all gets along and likes each other. I think about all the time I wasted and how we maybe could have had this so much earlier if I hadn't used you and April as reasons to keep my distance from Lorelai. I don't want to see you to do that with this girl. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. I think as long as your sensitive to Jeremy's feelings, you don't need to put your own life on hold for him."
"Huh." Jess nodded, feigning seriousness. "So, you're saying life's too short to wait fifteen years to make a move on a woman I like. Interesting theory."
Luke laughed. "It was not fifteen years, wiseass."
Jess smiled. "All right. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to go up and talk to Jeremy, now."
"Ok. Good luck."
"Thanks." Jess rose from the stool and headed toward the stairs.
"Hey, Jess." He turned back to his uncle. "I really am sorry. About before. Jumping to conclusions like that."
Jess gave his uncle a warm smile. "No hard feelings."
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Jeremy was washing the dinner dishes later than night. Jess was picking up a random plate or glass every so often, wiping it with a dish cloth and putting it away, but he was mostly just hovering. Jeremy got the distinct impression that Jess wanted to talk about something, but wasn't sure how to start the conversation.
"So, I was talking to Luke about my hours at the diner and he said I can work full-time there in the summer. I guess Monica just told him that she's moving next month after she graduates and he'll need a full-time person for the summer anyway. He said he could give me a regular daytime schedule, too, so I was thinking I can try to pick up a second, part-time job in the evenings. That's ok, right?"
Jess nodded. "It's ok with me as long as you still have time to hang out with Winston and take him for walks."
Jeremy looked over to where Winston was curled up, asleep in his bed in the living room. "I'll always have time for Winston." He thought for a moment. "Do I still need to check with you on stuff like that?"
Jess placed a dry glass in the cupboard and turned to face Jeremy. "On your hours at work, or on walking Winston?"
Jeremy shrugged as he scrubbed the pot he had used to cook the rice. "On everything, I guess. I mean, I'm already eighteen and once I've graduated high school, I'll be an adult, or an almost adult, right? Will I still need to ask your permission to do stuff?"
"Huh." Jess said. "I hadn't really thought about that. I don't know if I'm ready to have my kid be an almost adult yet. Maybe you should still ask my permission for everything for a few more years, just to be safe. Until you're, say, twenty-five, twenty-seven at the most?"
Jeremy laughed as he placed the pot in the drying rack, turned off the water and dried his hands on a dish towel. "I'm serious. How's it going to work with me still living here once I'm in college?"
Jess picked up the pot and wiped it dry. "Why? You having second thoughts about staying here with your dear old dad? Worried you won't be able to run wild in the streets doing keg stands and whatever other shenanigans college kids get up to at all hours of the night?"
Jeremy watched Jess's casual delivery of the question, but recognized the scared concern underneath. "No. I just want to know what you're going to expect from me, so I can make sure I do it." Jeremy smiled. "If I was looking to run wild in the streets, I would have gone away to school. I want to be here, with you. I'm just wondering if stuff will change at all, like if I'll still have to ask you before I go out and stuff."
Jess nodded seriously. "Well, you will be an almost adult." Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "So you won't have to ask me if you can go out or anything, but maybe if you go out after class and are going to be home a lot later than usual, you could shoot me a text just to let me know not to worry. Or, if you aren't coming home at all one night, because you're staying at a friends' place or something, you could give me a heads up. Does that sound fair?"
Jeremy nodded. "I guess so."
"I'm thinking I still want to know stuff that concerns your safety, but I don't necessarily need to know exactly what you're up to, or who you're with. Maybe you could just let me know you're alive and give me a ballpark idea of when you'll be home. I just don't want to be worried if you're out late and I haven't heard from you."
"That sounds fair. Do the same rules apply for you? Like if you meet a lady friend and go out late, or stay over at her house. Do you need to tell me, too, so I don't worry?"
"Absolutely. It's a two way street. I don't want you to worry about me either." Jess paused and glanced past Jeremy toward the kitchen window as if he were collecting his thoughts. Jeremy felt leary of what was coming. Jess looked back at him. "I actually want to talk to you about something. Can you come sit down with me, please?"
Jeremy followed Jess to the couch and sat down a few feet from him, their bodies angled to face each other. He waited for Jess to start.
"So, uh, Mallory, or uh, Ms. Howard came by the bookstore today. She asked me if I would help chaperone the prom, and kind of…...go with her, as in kind of a date. I wanted to talk to you about it before I gave her my answer."
Jeremy instantly felt the familiar and irrational sharpness behind his eyes that always let him know he was on the verge of crying if he didn't do something about it. He took a deep breath and worked on holding his emotions in check. He had known this was coming. It had really just been a matter of when. He tried to talk himself down from the panic. This was so stupid. He wanted to think he was better than this now. That he wasn't going to go pieces like a pathetic loser over his dad going on a date.
"Jeremy? You ok?" Jess was studying him carefully and Jeremy blinked to keep the wetness from his eyes and tried to plaster a smile on his face. He couldn't tell from Jess's expression whether he had succeeded.
"Uh, yeah. I'm fine. And, I'm fine with you dating Ms. Howard. I already told you that."
Jess was nodding his head in a sympathetic manner that told Jeremy he wasn't fooling anyone. "I know you did. But, I said I would check in with you to make sure you were still ok before anything actually happened. I wasn't planning on asking her out until the summer when you had already graduated, but she kind of jumped the gun on me by a couple of weeks, here. Are you sure you're still ok with this?"
All Jeremy could think was the panicked thought that everything was going to change. No matter how much he didn't want it to. No matter how much Jess tried to not let it. He knew he didn't want to be this kind of person. Someone who held back someone he loved, the person he loved the most, from something they wanted out of his own fear and selfishness. He wanted to be better than this. Ms. Howard was nice. He could certainly do worse for a future step-mother. He knew that. He hated being the kind of person who looked at the world so negatively, that instead of picturing himself strengthening his relationship with Ms. Howard and maybe ending up with another person in his life or his family who cared about him, he was already picturing her stealing his dad away from him and giving Jess kids of their own, a family that Jeremy wasn't a real part of.
"Jeremy. If you're not ok with this, you can tell me?"
"No, I am. I'm fine."
"You don't look fine." Jess's voice was quiet, gentle. He reached a hand out to Jeremy and used his thumb to brush a lone tear off Jeremy's cheek.
Jeremy felt another tear sliding down his face and brushed it away furiously with the back of his hand. This tear had nothing to do with Ms. Howard and everything to do with how embarrassed and pathetic he felt. He had thought he was past this, breaking down like a little kid who couldn't control his emotions every time he was upset. He felt stupid and childish and ridiculous. He could only imagine how pathetic Jess must think he was right now.
"Jeremy, if it's going to upset you like this, I don't have to go out with her. I can tell her no. It's ok. I get that as your guidance counselor, you've probably talked to her about some personal stuff and this might be weird for you."
Jeremy wiped at his eyes and did his best to stop new tears from falling. This was shitty. It wasn't fair to Jess and it made Jeremy feel like crap. He sniffled and tried to get himself under control. "It's fine, Jess. I really mean that. I know you like her. And, I like her, too. She's really nice. I know I don't look like it right now, but I'm fine. It's fine. I want you to tell her yes."
"What's upsetting you about it, Jeremy? I need you to talk to me, here."
Jeremy shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I'm just afraid that things will change. Which is stupid, I know, because things are going to change anyway. They always do."
"What if maybe they changed for the better?" Jess's voice sounded hopeful.
Jeremy stared at him, not sure what to say. "That would be nice. A year ago I would have said that change, in my experience at least, usually makes things worse…...But, there's been a lot of change this year and most of it was good. So, yeah, maybe this will be good, too." Jeremy tried to smile, but it felt ridiculous and fake, so he gave it up.
"I don't need to start dating now if it's going to cause you extra stress. You're my top priority. You know that, right?"
Jeremy nodded. "I know. But, you're going to need to start dating sometime. I can't say I feel ready for you to date, but you feel ready, and I don't want to keep you from someone you obviously really like. And, Ms. Howard is really nice. And, yeah, she knows some things about me that I probably wouldn't tell my dad's girlfriend right away, but maybe that could be a good thing. Like, she already knows about a bunch of my crap and she still seems to like me all right. I don't want to hold you back from her now, because she might not be hanging around waiting for you when I feel ready. And, then you would have missed out on her. Maybe we both would have."
"Jeremy-"
"Look." Jeremy cut him off. "I'm sorry for crying. I don't know why I do that so much. I hate that I do it so much. But, I can't always control it. Sometimes I just feel…..overwhelmed, I guess. I'm sorry I'm such a mess and that some stuff is so hard for me, but it doesn't mean that I don't want you to date Ms. Howard. Because I do. Really. You can trust me."
Jess had leaned forward a little. He had one hand on Jeremy's shoulder, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the front of the joint as he studied his son carefully.
"I'm sorry for being such a stupid crybaby." Jeremy said quietly.
"Hey. Stop it. You're not. I get that stuff, especially family stuff, is hard for you after everything you've been through. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Jeremy. Crying isn't a big deal. We've all been there. We'll all be there again. If I had grown up the way you had, I would have tried to shut myself off to try to protect myself. I spent most of my adolescence trying to do that anyway, and my childhood wasn't anywhere near as rough as yours. But, I look at you, and you've still somehow managed to keep being this open and loving person, despite all the shit you've been through. You were still brave enough to let me in, to let me and everyone else in our family love you, and to love us back. You haven't shut down and you aren't hiding from the way you feel. I'm impressed by that every day. It doesn't bother me that you cry sometimes. I still think you're an amazingly brave and resilient kid…...and now an amazingly brave and resilient almost adult." Jeremy laughed softly. "I love you and I'm so proud of you every single day. And, I can tell you all this stuff as many times as you need to hear it because it's all true and I never get tired of saying it."
Jeremy looked down at the couch cushion between them, not sure what to say.
Jess withdrew his hand from Jeremy's shoulder and rested it in his own lap, looking at Jeremy seriously. "I'm just going to ask you one more time, and I won't question whatever you say either way. Are you sure you're ok with this?"
Jeremy nodding tiredly, looking up and making eye contact with Jess. "I'm ok with it, Dad. Honestly." The boy smirked slightly. "You have my permission to date Ms. Howard."
"You're sure?"
Jeremy laughed. "Didn't you just say that you weren't going to question my answer this time?"
"All right. All right. I'm going to tell her yes then."
"Ok. Good." They both sat quietly for a moment, lost in thought.
"And, you're ok with me being at your prom, too? I mean, it won't be weird for you that I'm there?"
Jeremy shrugged. "No, it's fine. Cassidy and I are just friends. It's not like I'll be trying to make a move on her or anything."
"Ah. Ok. And, you wouldn't want me seeing you getting shot down if you were, huh? I agree, that would be pretty embarrassing for you."
Jeremy laughed. "I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you. I might be the one watching you get shot down."
"No way!" Jess scoffed. "Mallory is the one who asked me out."
"She could still come to her senses." Jeremy smirked.
Jess laughed. "Hey, we should go pick out your tux this week. What night do you have off from work?"
"Wednesday. Is that good for you?"
"Sure. Wednesday's fine."
"Do you need a tux, too?"
"Nope. According to Mallory, the male chaperones can just wear sport jackets. But, I do need to get one of those while we're out. I never replaced that kind of stuff after the fire."
After a beat. "Hey, Jess?"
"Hey, Jeremy."
Jeremy laughed. "Do you think you could maybe refrain from kissing me on the head when you see me at the prom?"
Jess smirked, leaning toward his son and cupping the boy's head, tilting it gently forward to land an exaggeratedly loud smacking kiss on top before pulling the boy toward him and wrapping him up in a hug. "I'll do my best, but I make no promises."