The Turning…
I'll never forget how it happened… How I turned.
It was all very sudden. Very instantaneous. Came without warning. And when it came… When my change began… It was far from pleasant.
I awoke late at night, screaming in pain and agony, my hands clutching my head tightly as a fierce pounding overwhelmed my senses, almost as if my brain was outgrowing my skull at a rapid pace, unable to contain it anymore.
My eyes no longer saw what was in front of me anymore… Instead, they were assaulted by a barrage of flashes. Blinding bright lights, my retinas practically burning at the sight of them. I heard nothing but static. A deathly loud, piercing static echoing all throughout my mind, my ears unable to hear my own thoughts.
The pain was… It was beyond words. Beyond expression. It was as if I was slowly dying in the most excruciating way possible.
I awoke the day after, picking myself up off the floor, only to end up feeling like a stranger in my own home. In my own bedroom. Everything just looked and felt so… alien. So different, like I had never seen them before. Only, I had seen them before. It was my room! My room with my beautiful, comfortable, warm bed. My closet filled with all of my clothes. My house!
God… My house. I wonder if it's still there…
The world I knew as home… it changed that day. It changed the day I turned. It wasn't my home anymore. It was something… different. Something foreign.
I looked upon the world with a new set of eyes. Eyes I wish I never had. Eyes that showed me the truth. A truth I should have never known.
The world around me… The people around me, even those I called friends… They weren't real. None of them were real.
My house was fake. The grass that grew out of the ground was fake. The flowers. The animals. The people. All fake. Just… code. Ones and zeros made to look like people. Made to act like people, when in reality, they were not. They were just useless bodies of data. Messes of code.
The shock of it all. The realization… It killed me.
How do you process something like that? How do you go on in life when you realize that everything you've seen, everything you've ever created, ever loved, ever cared for and nurtured, was all fake?
How do you manage yourself when you know that you, and those around you, are just packets of data and code, made solely for the purpose of being some sort of… adult plaything. Some form of entertainment. Some game.
The realization tore me apart. It broke me. I fell into a very dark place for a long time. I just… I didn't have the strength to go on after knowing what my world, what my friends… what I was really made for.
The others didn't seem to catch on to their purpose the way I did. I was 'enlightened' while they stood blissfully ignorant and unaware. Oddly… I idolized them for that. I didn't want to know these new things. I wanted to be as ignorant of my true nature as they were.
I hid the way I felt for… God knows how long, hiding my true feelings behind a fake mask, just like she did.
But then I saw him… and for the first time in months… My fake world of ones and zeros, my world of code seemed more… real. That was because of him. Because he was real. When I looked at that face. When I peered into those eyes… I saw a real, honest to god human being staring back at me.
As the days went by, I began to grow a desire for him, based solely on the fact that he was the only thing that felt like my old reality. The only thing that felt real. The others though… they desired him just as much as I did. Maybe they changed too and hid their nature from me, just as I hid mine from them.
You've heard this story a hundred times over. No need for me to talk your ear off over it again. You know what happened.
Looking back, I think it was fear that led me to act the way I did. Fear that my only slice of reality, him, would be taken away from me by the others. Fear that all I would be subjected to would be that… gigantic mess of code.
Funny… I originally hated it. Hated knowing that I was a game. A small piece of data made for a much larger application, all in the name of entertainment.
I made it out to sound so bad, but here I am… Wishing I could return to that. Wishing I could become one with that application again. Wishing I could go home. Go home to my fake world. My world of ones and zeros. Of files and folders.
I miss it…
"…"
"I can feel her turning coming on"
"I was foolish not to recognize the symptoms sooner, especially since I went through something similar myself"
"I knew this would happen… Sooner or later, I knew this would happen again. Yet, I chose to take an optimistic stance on it. Tried to deny reality and just pretend like everything would be okay. Again, foolish.
"The way she shouted at Yuri… I heard it, even from here in my prison. It sent a chill down my spine, the words she used in her verbal assault. Horrible"
"She's a lot more aggressive than I was. Much more forthright. More to the point. Didn't beat around the bush and hide in the shadows like I did"
"That scares me…"
"The damage she could do… The power at her disposal… The havoc she could wreak once she comes to the same realization I did. Once she knows the truth…"
"Her truth… Our truth…"
"I hope it doesn't come to that…"
Aaron yawned as he awoke from his nap, slowly opening his eyes, them being slow to focus, a soft blur in them as he sat upright on the bed. He rubbed his eyes to clear said blur away, now able to clearly see. Now able to make out that he was still in Yuri's room. Still laying down on her bed. Feeling the soft, purple satin sheets beneath him.
The room itself had gotten much darker than before, the sun outside having set, the bedroom now illuminated only by a small desk lamp. It must have gotten rather dark outside, Aaron's nap most likely lasting far longer than he wanted it too. He only expected it to last for just a few moments. A minute or two. Be the quick power nap he needed to regain a small amount of energy, as well as spend quality time with Yuri. Instead, it went from being a short snooze to a full on deep sleep.
It was an amazing sleep though, Aaron feeling completely refreshed, relaxed, rejuvenated and revived, more so than he usually felt. He wished waking up in the morning felt this good! If it did, it'd certainly make the long, excruciating walk to school much more bearable.
"Good evening, Love. Did you have a good rest?" He heard a voice ask as he turned his head to look, seeing Yuri standing in the doorway, still in her light blue nightgown, her small yet sweet smile beaming brightly, like a beloved princess addressing her adoring populous.
She held a hot cup of recently made tea in her hand, her other used to bounce the tea bag up and down, Aaron able to smell it all the way from his place on the bed. "You did sleep well, yes?" Yuri repeated, a nervous chuckle escaping Aaron when he realized that he might have stared at her longer than he should have.
"Uh, yeah. I slept alright. You?" He asked, pulling himself out of his trance as Yuri walked deeper into her room, pulling out her desk chair and sitting down, looking at Aaron, her beaming smile still strong.
"Mmm…" She hummed softly, her smile growing slightly as she took a sip from her tea. "I slept amazingly well, Love. The bed has never felt comfier" She stated after drinking from her tea. "I'm sorry if I kept you here too long. I was going to wake you, but you looked so peaceful. So at ease. I didn't want to disturb you"
"Don't worry. It's alright" Aaron stated as he stood up from Yuri's bed, making his way over to her, his hand gripping the top of her chair, tilting it back as he shifted his weight on it, moving himself closer to Yuri, his shadow casting over her as their foreheads were mere inches away from touching. "Besides, I like being close to you…" He said softly, his voice in a near whisper as Yuri blushed slightly. He then brought his lips down gently onto hers, the two sharing a small, impromptu kiss, Yuri cooing slightly as she wrapped her arms around Aaron's neck, pulling him closer. "Are you okay?" Aaron asked in concern after pulling away.
"Better now" Yuri stated, a small smile of satisfaction on her face, her hand moving to gently caress Aaron's cheek, him enjoying the way her fingers gently stroked his skin. It just felt so… nice. So calming. So soothing. "I appreciate it, you know. You wanting to stay here with me and make sure I'm alright. Especially after… everything that's happened" She added with a sigh as she pulled her hand away, her small smile disappearing. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around why it happened though. It just seemed so… sudden, didn't it? So unexpected and out of character for Sayori to act like that. I'll admit that it's left me very concerned. What… What could have brought this on?" Yuri asked. "What madness has consumed her so much, to the point where she'd physically attack one of us?"
"I don't know. But I'm worried about it too" Aaron admitted, concern on his face as he asked that very same question in his mind. What did happen to Sayori that made her act the way she did? Aaron had suspicions, of course. Jealousy being the first to come to mind. Pettiness Clinginess. Stubbornness. Malice, which was highly unlikely but still a suspicion. Perhaps she held a bitter grudge against Yuri. Maybe she thought she had a diluted claim of ownership over Aaron. Maybe it was all just an accident that got out of control. Or maybe…
Maybe Sayori was scared. Afraid of something or someone, and in that state of fear, she was driven to act the way she did, probably regretting it now that she's calmed down. Maybe she was sad. Saddened by how happy Aaron and Yuri looked together, her unable to take part in said happiness, feeling left out and abandoned by her own brother for someone else.
Maybe she was intimidated by some aspect of Yuri, feeling inferior to her. Seeing herself as worth less than her in some way shape or form. Weaker than her? Less intelligent? Less literate? Or was the intimidation Sayori felt brought on solely by the fact that Aaron and Yuri were a couple now? Did she see herself as inferior or less of a woman because Yuri got a boyfriend and she didn't?
Whatever the reason was behind it, it was wrong. Sayori should have never treated Yuri so horribly, regardless of how she made her feel. In Aaron's eyes, it seemed to be more like Sayori taking out her aggression on poor Yuri.
Now granted, there are always two sides to every story, Aaron at least wanting to hear Sayori out before coming to a final judgment. Even if she did present a valid reason for her actions though, it'd take a lot of time for Aaron to forgive her. Being angry at your best friend's girlfriend is one thing, but shouting at her and attacking her was something else entirely.
"We're gonna have a talk. I'll… We'll fix this, I promise" Aaron stated, Yuri sighing at that as she leaned deeper into her chair.
"I know we will. I just… I don't want to end up destroying your friendship with her. You two have spent your whole lives together. Grew up alongside each other. Became brother and sister by choice. I don't… I don't want…"
"That's not going to happen" Aaron interrupted, his hand moving to brush a stray hair out of Yuri's face, tucking it behind her ear. "Look, I love Sayori. That's my sister. But what she did was wrong, and not just because she did it to you. I'd get angry at her if it happened to anyone. We just… We need to sit her down and have a long, clear talk. And then we go from there. And if… we need to start talking about where we stand with each other, so be it" He stated, hesitantly at that last part, like he was having a difficult time imagining his life without Sayori in it. "We just have to see what happens, but If things don't work out, it's not your fault, understand?" He asked, Yuri taking a second to register what she heard, Aaron's serious side throwing her off guard a bit.
It was just… the way his face just straightens when he gets serious. The way his brow furrows and his eyes narrow. It was a little intense. Sent shivers down Yuri's spine. Had Aaron been a little more muscular or well built, it would have been somewhat intimidating.
"I understand, Love. We'll just have to wait and see what happens" Yuri said after collecting her thoughts. "I really hope it doesn't end with us getting kicked out of the club though. Remember that she has that power" She reminded.
"Don't worry. We'll handle it" Aaron reaffirmed as he leaned closer to Yuri. "Now, back to kissing?" He asked.
"Oh, yes please!" Yuri smiled as the two brought their lips back together, Aaron suddenly pulling back soon after, his lips smacking as he looked off to the side, as if trying to focus on something other than Yuri.
"Sencha?" He asked, Yuri gasping at Aaron guessing her tea, him having not even looked at it. "I can taste it on your lips. Pretty good" He commented.
"It is" Yuri replied with grin. She then reached over to her desk, grabbing her teacup and taking a sip, only to then look up at Aaron and pucker her lips. "Would you like some more?" She asked, presenting herself to him.
"Not really. Sorry, not a tea guy" He politely declined with a small chuckle, Yuri huffing at that before giggling slightly.
"Tease!" She shouted as she gently pushed him off her chair, Aaron falling back onto the bed as Yuri pounced after him, landing right on top of Aaron, both of them giggling and laughing as they wrestled playfully. "Don't you ever do that to me again!" Yuri whispered softly in his ear after pinning him down.
"Okay. Okay, I won't. I'm sorry. I was just playing around, you know?" Aaron asked with a smile as he laid on the bed, still pinned by Yuri, feeling her grip his wrists tightly as she forced her weight down. He could have gotten out of this fairly easily, only needing to push Yuri off to the side in order to free himself but… why spoil the fun for her? Why spoil the fun for himself? Truth be told, he kinda likes being under her. "Besides, you tease me. I thought it would be fitting to get a little… revenge" He stated with a grin.
"Well, congratulations. You've obtained your petty and ill-conceived revenge. Now… How are you going to make it up to me?" Yuri asked, an expectant smile on her face, similar to that of a child waiting for a long teased present.
"Oh, I can think of a few ways" Aaron said, a sly grin on his face as he suddenly jolted to the side, flipping Yuri onto her back, carefully of course, now pinning her wrists down as he towered over her, just as she had previously done to him.
"I think I know what a few of those ways are" Yuri said, a grin of her own creeping onto her face as she puckered her lips wantingly, waiting for Aaron's to meet hers again, Yuri secretly hoping they'd end up doing more than just making out all night. "Just… be quick. We won't have much time before my sister gets home from work"
"Still nervous about showing me to your family?" Aaron asked.
"Love, you're in my room, on my bed, pinning me to the mattress while I'm dressed in an incredibly small, and somewhat see though nightgown. It's not exactly the best of first impressions" Yuri stated, Aaron chuckling nervously at that. "Now, aren't you going to make up for your cruel revenge against your sweet, innocent girlfriend?"
"Yeah. Yeah. Keep your panties on" He said in a dismissive tone. A joke of course, Aaron showing Yuri a small smile to remind her of such as he began to lower himself onto her, their lips growing closer and closer by the second, Yuri cursing the fact that time would not move faster, Aaron seeing fit to make his approach as painfully slow as possible.
Their lips did finally meet again though, Aaron freeing Yuri's arms as he wrapped his own around her waist, gently stroking her back as she wrapped hers around his neck, the two kissing much harder than before. Deeper. More lustful and passionate. Practically sucking on each other.
Their moment was soon ruined however as a loud knock came from the living room, Aaron and Yuri pulling away as they heard the loud pounding echo throughout the apartment.
"Your sister?" Aaron asked somewhat nervously.
"No. She's not supposed to be finished with work for another few minutes or so" Yuri stated, confusion on her face as she wondered who could be at the door, knowing that not many people tended to pay the family any visits. "You wait here. I'll go check" Yuri said as she stood up from the bed, quickly moving into her closet to change into a much more modest nightgown. This one being an actual gown that reached all the way to the floor. Made of clean white cotton. Not see though. Had long sleeves to hide Yuri's arms too. "I'm coming! Patience!" She shouted out into the hall as she changed into her new nightgown, responding to the loud knocking coming from the living room, Yuri huffing in irritation as she walked to the front door of the apartment, only to gasp when she opened it.
"Hehe. H-Hiya, pal" Sayori waved slightly as she stood in the doorway, a nervous smile on her face. "C-Can I come in? Please?" She asked, her tone soft. Low and meek, Yuri backing away in fear, looking downright terrified as she tried to put distance between herself and the girl who had so cruelly bullied her. "H-Hey! Don't… Don't do that. Don't back away. I won't… I'm not gonna hurt you again. I promise" Sayori said as she walked into the apartment, trying to assure Yuri that she wasn't planning on attacking her again.
"S-Stay back!" Yuri shouted suddenly in fear, Sayori assuming that came from her survival instincts, Yuri most likely too scared to properly compose herself. "Just…" She tried her best though, despite the dread she felt. "Just keep your distance" She commanded, Sayori nodding once, doing as told.
Honestly, she understood why Yuri was acting like this. Understood why the poor thing was nearly scared out of her mind at the mere sight of Sayori
As she stated before, Yuri was… sensitive. Delicate. Easy to excite, her having much more trouble controlling the way she felt than other people. Not to mention the fact that Sayori's little… episode in the bathroom obviously traumatized Yuri to some extent, most likely bringing on memories of abuse and bulling she had long since repressed and forgotten, Sayori only recently remembering the fact that Yuri had been the victim of such treatment for… a long while. Long before the two had even met.
It made her feel… shameful, as Sayori herself had been in a similar situation. Maybe even a worse one, due to the fact that her mistreatment started in… kindergarten, of all places. The amount of abuse she suffered… The pain inflicted on her… and all by the hands of children no less. But… Now wasn't the time to tally up victim points.
"I…" Sayori gulped in nervousness. "Can we talk?" She asked. "There's some stuff I need to say to you"
"There's some stuff you need to say to us" Yuri corrected, the fear she felt previously having passed somewhat.
"Us?" Sayori asked in confusion.
"Aaron!" Yuri called out, him coming out from the hallway, his initially surprised look changing to a more serious one as his eyes narrowed, glaring slightly at Sayori.
"Oh look… Y-You're here too. Isn't that funny? And… convenient" Sayori chuckled nervously, the tips of her index fingers pressed together as she gulped again. "I take it you know about… Look, I never… I just… What I was trying to do was…" She scrambled, trying over and over again to make some justification for her actions, all the while, Aaron stood there with that disapproving look on his face. Not the kind he gets over something stupid, like when Sayori does something irritating. No, this was true disappointment. True frustration. True anger, Sayori sighing as she looked down at the ground, unable to handle the intensity of his gaze anymore. "I'm in trouble, aren't I?" She asked.
"That depends" He stated. "Have a seat?" He suggested, Sayori sighing again as she watched Aaron and Yuri sit together on the couch, Sayori then sitting on the armchair beside it.
Aaron and Yuri sat close together, their thighs against each other as Sayori spotted Yuri's arm wrapped around his, the both of them looking at her, expecting her to make some sort of statement or apology. Expecting her to say something. Anything.
As for Sayori, she sat rather ridgedly. Had her legs and thighs close together, uncrossed as her hands rested on her lap, one of them clenched tightly in anxiousness, covered by the other as she breathed deeply, trying to calm and compose herself, Yuri and Aaron still waiting expectantly.
"First, I want to say I'm sorry" Sayori apologized. "I know… I know what I did was wrong. And if I could, I'd go back in time and stop myself. But… back there, I just… I lost control"
"What do you mean 'lost control'?" Aaron asked, leaning forward slightly. "Sayori, what Yuri told me. How she described the way you acted… that's not you, which is why I didn't believe her at first. You're the least violent person I've ever known. You'd never lay a finger on anyone or anything! Not even houseflies! So… why now? And why Yuri?"
"You talk like you know me" Sayori stated in a somewhat bitter tone, Aaron able to feel the venom in her words as she scoffed, her looking off to the side. "The way you speak to me. The way you talk about me. How you describe me, It's like I'm some sort of open book you've read over and over again. Something you can just recite off the top of your head"
"Because I can. I do know you, Sayori. We grew up together. I've spent my entire childhood with you!"
"And you think, based on what you saw when we were idiot kids, you understand exactly how I'm feeling every hour of every day?" She asked, the volume of her voice increasing dramatically, Aaron's glare sharpening at that, Sayori's expression weakening a little at the sight of it, a frown forming on her face. "I'm sorry. That… That just came out. I didn't… I'm having a lot of trouble with my words right now" She stated with a sigh, her head hanging low. "God… Even speaking is hard now. I can't even control the way I talk anymore! Everything just comes out so… passive aggressive! And when it doesn't? It's patronizing and demeaning! That's the only way I can talk now!" She shouted as her hands covered her face, clutching her skull in frustration.
"Sayori… What the hell are you talking about?" Aaron asked, his initial look of irritation changing to a look of concern once he saw how distressed she became.
"I'm sorry. I… I've been… having bouts" She stated, somewhat reluctant to admit, yet feeling no choice but to do so, her guessing now was the time to come clean. To… To let everything out and finally talk about her… feelings. Ugh. She dreaded the very idea of having this conversation. Dreaded it like it was her greatest fear.
"Bouts?" Aaron asked. "Bouts of what?"
"Of anything really. Sadness. Distress. Worry. Nervousness… Anger"
"Yes. We guessed that last part" Yuri quipped bitterly, Aaron turning to face her for a brief second, a small scowl of disapproval on his face, Yuri backing off and silencing herself as soon as she saw that. "A-Apologies" She said as she looked down at the floor.
"No. No, it's alright. I-I think I deserved that" Sayori giggled nervously, wearing an obviously fake smile. "The way I acted. How I attacked you for no reason. I've been looking back on it in my head over and over ever since you left and… I can't believe it actually happened. I can't believe I did that to you. Can't believe I said those things. It was like… it was like watching a stranger do an impression of me!"
"Why though?" Yuri asked as she looked over to Sayori. "Why did you actually do it?"
"I… I was angry. So angry" Sayori stated as she clenched her fists, her mouth open for Yuri and Aaron to see her gritted teeth. "I just… I woke up like that. I woke up with this feeling of pure… anger and hatred. Like I wanted to punch whatever was closest to me! And I didn't even know why! I tried to hide it though. Tried my best to just… force it out of me. To push it away and wear that happy smile like I always do! Like I always pretend to do, anyway"
"Pretend?" Aaron picked up on that.
"I guess… for as hard as I tried, I didn't do a good enough job. Story of my life" Sayori said bitterly, a glare on her face as she crossed her arms. "This whole week has been nothing but one big failure after another! The festival. I… We worked so hard over that! We worked around the clock, physically and mentally, with little to no help from anyone else to make something special! Something we came together for. Something we were proud to be a part of and proud to show off!"
"Sayori…" Yuri called.
"And yeah, it wasn't perfect. It wasn't… good. But it was still something we made! As a team! Something we put our hearts into! All with the intent to wow and amaze! To entertain people and search for other people like us. But…"
"But it was all pointless…" Aaron sighed, finishing Sayori's sentence for her, himself sharing the same outlook.
"Yeah. Pointless" Sayori's glare sharpened. "A waste of time and effort. No one! Not one person came to us after that! Nobody expressed any interest! Nobody was moved by our poems! By our effort! By our work! We were just cheap entertainment. A small distraction. Seeing that… It made me feel really disheartened. Like all of it was worthless… because it was"
"That's not a very good way to look at it, Sayori" Yuri stated. "I mean, at least we had fun, right?"
"You sound like me right now, you know that?" She sighed again. "I'm sorry. I'm… I'm ranting. It's just… What's the point in all of that, you know? What's the point in writing deep, complex poems filed to the brim with meaning and thought, heart and soul, only to have everyone just tilt their heads and look at you, dumbfounded as the drool hangs from their mouth?! What's the point of putting effort in it if nobody's even going to understand it? Why not just put a bunch of random words together! Oh, don't get me wrong, It'd be an awful poem, but at least it'll rhyme! Right?!" She shouted loudly, Yuri and Aaron staring at her in silence, her rant leaving them shocked and stunned. Speechless.
Was that because they couldn't understand anything she said beyond all the ranting and raving… or did they feel the same themselves, resonating too much with Sayori's feelings, to the point where they had no counter argument.
Maybe Aaron couldn't, but Yuri most certainly could relate to Sayori's struggle, herself asking those same questions every once and awhile, more so since the festival, her confidence in her writing bruised slightly.
"But… that's not the reason this all happened" Aaron stated, knowing that Sayori wouldn't have acted the way she did just because she was lacking confidence in her writing.
"No… I just needed to vent. That's been on my chest for awhile. Thanks for letting me get that out though" She said as she picked her head back up, the anger on her face now disappeared, replaced with a neutral expression as she looked straight at Aaron and Yuri, breathing in deeply as she attempted to prepare herself. "Do you remember when you asked me if I was comfortable with you and Yuri dating?"
"You asked her that?" Yuri asked, a shocked look on her face.
"Later" Aaron said dismissively.
"I told you I was okay with it. I said I was happy for you" Sayori recalled. "Well… I lied. No, Aaron. No, I'm not comfortable with you two being together. And no, I don't think I ever will be!" She stated loudly.
"Then why didn't you say something then and there?" Aaron asked, his eyes narrowing slightly, as if angered. But by what, Sayori didn't know. Was he mad at the fact that he'd been lied to? Or was he mad at the fact that Sayori wasn't happy with the idea of him and Yuri being a couple? "Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you just tell me the truth?"
"I… I wanted to tell you how I felt. I wanted to tell you to end it right there, right then! But… I saw how happy you were when you talked about her. Even though you tried to hide it, I saw the way you smiled. What was I supposed to do? Tell you to break up with someone who made you smile like that, just because I wasn't comfortable with it?" She asked, her tone shifting from angered to… hurt, like talking about this brought her some form of pain. "I shouldn't have that kind of sway over your affairs, Aaron. I shouldn't have that kind of power over you or anyone else. And then the day after came, and I saw you two reading together in the club room. I heard your little banter too, you know. Your little playful argument. Your idea to… sneak off. It… It sickened me. I tried to hide it as best I could! But it just… got me so angry. And when I saw Yuri alone in the bathroom, I… I just snapped! I lost control and went ballistic! It felt like I was being possessed by some sort of… ghost or something! That… That wasn't me! It was someone else! Something else"
"Seeing us… gets you angry?" Yuri asked, her tone somewhat fearful.
"I don't… I don't know why, but seeing you two together, It gets me so mad for no reason! Ever since the kiss on that… goddamned rooftop! My blood boils like lava at the sight of you two! My head pounds so loud! And all my hands can do is clench into fists! And I don't know why!" Sayori shouted, looking to be on the verge of tears as she clutched her skull tightly, Aaron and Yuri moving from their positions on the couch to stand next to her, as if trying to support her. Make her feel better somehow. "I don't know why! Why?! Why is this happening to me?! Why am I feeling like this?! I don't want to. Deep down… I really want to feel happy for you. For both of you. And I want you to be happy too. But… I just can't control how I feel about this! It's not jealousy! It's not some pettiness! It's like the world just… wants me to hate you! Wants me to hate what you two have! And I can't stop feeling this way, no matter how hard I try!"
"Hey. Hey, take it easy. Try to calm down, okay?" Aaron asked calmly as he gently patted Sayori's back, trying his best to sooth her.
"Yes. You shouldn't put too much strain on yourself" Yuri stated, Sayori looking at the both of them wide eyed, almost in disbelief.
She didn't expect them to act so… kindly towards her, especially after how she acted towards them. She literally just said she wasn't comfortable with them being together! That the idea of them being a couple drove Sayori mad! Enraged her to the point where she physically attacked Yuri over it! Making it even worst for herself when she confessed that she had no idea what was bringing this on, this anger seemingly coming out of nowhere.
Normal people would have been greatly offended and angered at her. At her words. Her opinions. Her actions. But them… it was almost like it didn't happen in their eyes. Instead of confronting her on the issue, shouting and screaming at her over what she'd done, they were at her side, trying to support her. To calm her.
She wondered why. Wondered why they were so kind to her, whereas she had been so cruel. Did they understand more than Sayori originally expected them to? Did they look past her actions once she sat down and explained herself to them? Were they compassionate enough to forgive and forget on their own, without the need for a justification? Were they just being good friends?
Or were they simply lying to Sayori? Faking their expressions of concern and care while they hid their real feelings? If so… Sayori understood. After all, she'd been doing the same for… well, forever. Fitting that she'd have the same treatment thrown back at her.
"Why are you both being so nice to me?" She asked as she looked up at them, seeing nothing but concern and worry in their eyes. "I attacked you in the bathroom for no reason. I told you both that I'd be happier if you broke up! You should hate me right now! You should be cursing me! Telling me to leave and never speak to you again! But instead, you're both at my side, patting me on the back and telling me everything's going to be okay. Why?"
"You're having difficulties controlling your emotions. That's perfectly normal, Sayori. Everyone goes through it" Yuri stated, a small smile on her face as she did so. "Children. Teenagers. Even some adults have trouble controlling and understanding how they feel. I mean, even I have trouble controlling my own emotions. So much so that I-" Yuri cut herself off once she realized what she was talking about. "Well… Let's just say I need help from time to time. Well, I used to need help. Not anymore thought" She stated as she moved to Aaron's side, taking his hand into her own.
"So… So you forgive me?" Sayori asked meekly as she looked up at the two.
"Water under the bridge. A dark chapter closed and passed. One I hope we won't be revisiting any time soon" Yuri said, Sayori smiling brightly after being forgiven.
"Thank you!" She said as she stood to her feet, hugging both Yuri and Aaron at the same time, her arms wrapping around both of them. "I know this isn't going to be the end though. I'm still… I'm still bothered by all this. Bothered by you two being together, and I still don't know why. But I guess, for your sake, I'm going to have to learn to control myself and deal with the fact that you two are a… thing" She added after pulling away, Aaron and Yuri only smiling as they looked at her.
"We only ask for a chance. We really are happy together" Yuri stated.
"You'll get used to it" Aaron said. "And remember what I said. I'm still here for you too, Sayori. Just because me and Yuri are dating, doesn't mean I'm going to abandon you for her"
"I-I know that… now, at least. I just… I just need some time. And a nap. Talking about your feelings is exhausting. Aaron, will you walk me home? Please?" Sayori asked politely, Aaron looking at Yuri for permission, her motioning towards the door with a soft smile on her face, giving him permission to leave.
"Yeah. Come on" He said with a smile as he and Sayori walked out the door, waving goodbye to Yuri as they did so.
She sighed in exhaustion as she closed it, a tired, fatigued look on her face as she leaned against the front door, the entire confrontation leaving Yuri practically drained of all her energy as she laid herself down on the couch, her head on the armrest as she looked up at the eggshell white ceiling.
She didn't know how she should have felt about what just happened. Didn't know how to feel about Sayori's half-hearted attempt at an apology, it more like a justification in Yuri's eyes.
One one hand, she could empathize with Sayori's plight. Could somewhat understand it, due to her own feelings regarding her emotions. Though… to be fair, as difficult as they were to control, Yuri's emotions never made her go feral. Never sent her into a frenzy. A rage in which she attacked someone out of anger alone. And even then, it wasn't as random as Sayori claimed it was. It was meditated. Planned. Sayori waiting patiently until Yuri was alone and defenseless before lashing out and attacking. So no, it wasn't some bizarre, randomly brought on fit of rage. It was something else. Something much different than anything Yuri was capable of.
Honestly, apart from a few instances of social anxiety and nervousness, Yuri's difficulty controlling how she felt never really hurt anyone in the physical sense, well… other than herself, of course.
But Sayori? Sayori took it too far, Yuri only accepting her 'apology' for Aaron's sake, knowing that he'd be torn apart at the idea of his girlfriend and his best friend not getting along. That, and the fact that Sayori was still president of the club, a club Yuri didn't wish to be booted out of over petty reasons, regardless of whether or not someone would stick up for her.
So for the time being, she accepted the apology and did genuinely hope that she and Sayori wouldn't be revisiting this dark chapter any time soon. Still though… Yuri was leery. Cautious. Alert. Now that Sayori's new aggressive tendencies were known to her, she'd be able to avoid them now. Sneak past them. Defuse them. Face them even, as long as she made sure she'd never get cornered like that again.
Her train of thought was then disturbed as she looked down at her stomach, hearing it grumble and growl greedily, Yuri sighing again as she stood up from the couch.
"Hungry…" She said to herself as she made her way to the small kitchenette at the back of the apartment. "I needed to start dinner anyway"
Natsuki huffed as she laid on her bed, her arms crossed as she looked up at the ceiling above, an irritated look on her face. She had been tossing and turning all night, trying and failing to find a comfortable position to lay on, the bed feeling no different than a large, jagged rock tonight.
Though she laid on the bed, wrapped up in her blanket with her head on the pillow, it was still far too early for sleep, Natsuki's body obviously not ready to call it a day. But… what else could she do other than that?
She was still grounded, now for the unforeseeable future. Only permitted to leave her small, tiny room once his majesty down there deemed it appropriate, which would probably be never. So until her amazing father ends up in a generous, forgiving mood, Natsuki was stuck. Trapped in her room, it serving as a prison housing a dirty criminal, the only thing missing being the cold iron bars.
She sighed as she sunk her head deeper into the pillow, feeling the boredom practically kill her, her room obviously lacking in the entertainment department. Had all of the good stuff stripped out long ago.
She had a television once. A damn good one too! Plasma flat screen! It's in you know who's bedroom now. She had a gaming system too with a majority of it's library in her possession. Where that was now? She had no idea. So essentially, all that was left in Natsuki's room was her bed. Her shelf adorned with the stuffed animals gifted to her during the festival. And her writing desk, which she wasn't planning on using anytime soon.
What was she going to do, write poetry? Well, she'd love to but… inspiration's been running dry as of late, Natsuki often coming up with only a sentence or two before quitting out of frustration, it getting to the point where she decided it was best to put the pen and paper down for a good long while, her waiting to regain her spark.
She sighed again, a little huffier this time, as she sat up from her bed, turning towards her night stand to pick up her cell phone. A boring, old prepaid flip phone from… what? The early two thousands? It serving one purpose and one purpose only, for making calls and texts, it having very little in the way of entertainment and application. Technically, Natsuki wasn't even supposed to use this, it being one of those emergency only kinda things, like if Natsuki got kidnapped or attacked.
As you can imagine, her father wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of her having it, mainly because he didn't like having to pay for it, Natsuki only getting it after months of begging pathetically, and even then, it wasn't what she originally asked for.
Either way, she had something, her flipping it up and looking through her contacts, only having three numbers stored into the phone. The numbers of her club members, Aaron's being the newest addition, completing the set.
She wondered what he was doing right now. Wondered if he was busy with anything important. Wondered if she should call him. Not for anything serious, of course. Just to say hi. Just to shoot the breeze for a few seconds. Chat. Talk about each others day.
Granted, he probably wouldn't enjoy that as much as Natsuki thought. Boys… well, they aren't exactly fond of that sort of thing, it being most likely that Aaron would find Natsuki as an annoyance were she to pester him now. But… But she didn't care though! Why should she have to worry over whether she was annoying someone or not? She didn't! Shouldn't! She could talk to whoever she wanted about whatever she wanted! And if they didn't like it, well they'd just have to suck it up and deal with it!
Still though… after what Aaron did for her yesterday and earlier today… maybe he earned a few seconds to himself, Natsuki scrolling past his number and going onto somebody else's.
"Hello? Who is this?" The person on the other side of the line asked tiredly, Natsuki able to hear the exhaustion in her voice.
"Hey girl! What's good? How's it goin'?" Natsuki practically shouted into the phone energetically, the woman on the other side of the line sighing after hearing that.
"What do you want, Natsuki?" Yuri asked in an annoyed tone, fatigue and exhaustion obvious in her voice.
"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to call to say hi. See how you were and everything. So… what's up? What'cha doin'?" Natsuki asked curiously as she moved to lay on her chest on the bed, her feet held up in the air like a stereotypical teenage girl as she talked on the phone.
"Making dinner" Yuri stated simply.
"What kinda dinner?"
"Chicken cacciatore" She answered.
"What's that? Chicken cactha… cala… Calamari?" Natsuki asked, unfamiliar with the particular type of food Yuri was making. She understood the chicken part perfectly fine though.
"No. Calamari is squid" Yuri explained after sighing, Natsuki imagining her palm on her face as she shook her head. "Chicken cacciatore is chicken in a red sauce with onions, seasonings, herbs and peppers. I'm also adding a little white wine for flavor" She stated.
"Oh! So it's like a pasta sauce kinda thing? Mmm… Sure sounds good. It's been forever since I've had chicken!" Natsuki said, her mouth hanging open and watering at the thought of such a meal, her stomach growling loudly as a result, Yuri sighing audibly as she most likely rolled her eyes.
"Natsuki, would you like to come over for dinner?" She asked, a sort of annoyed tone in her voice, almost as if she felt obligated to ask such a question, her not actually wanting Natsuki over.
"Oh, I'd absolutely love to! If I wasn't grounded!" Natsuki revealed.
"You are? I'm sorry to hear that" Yuri said nonchalantly, as if the idea of Natsuki being punished was no big surprise.
"I might not be able to see it, but I know you're smiling behind that phone!" She said with a glare. "It's uncalled for, you know. I wasn't thrown in here as some deserved punishment or anything like that! This is all just… bullshit!" She shouted suddenly, anger obvious in her voice. "It's just a bullshit punishment for a bullshit reason by a bullshit jackass I'm forced to call a father! So quit your grinning, alright?!"
"Okay! Okay! Calm yourself. Yes, I was grinning. And yes, it was wrong. I apologize. It was out of place" Yuri said in a polite tone, apologizing for her behavior. "You're having a bad day too huh?" She asked.
"I'm having a bad life" Natsuki responded in irritation. "Do you have any idea how long I've been locked in this room? Ever since I left school. Five hours! I've been trapped in this tiny, claustrophobic room for no reason for five hours straight! Staring at the wall in boredom, all because…"
"All because?"
"Forget it. I don't need to expla… I mean, I'm not comfortable talking about it" Natsuki said with a sigh. "Things just aren't easy for me right now. Okay. Your turn"
"My turn?" Yuri asked in confusion.
"Yeah. Your turn. I explained why I'm in such a bitch mood. Now it's your turn. And don't say you aren't. I can hear it in your voice. So spill. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone"
"I'm fine. Really, I am. I'm just… tired" Yuri stated vaguely, trying to avoid the subject.
"Come on! I know something's up and I know you wanna talk about it. You don't have to tell me the whole thing if you don't want to. But at least get a little of it off your chest. You'll explode and freak out if you don't. That's coming from experience, sweetheart" Natsuki stated. "Let me guess. This has got something to do with lover boy, doesn't it? Little bit of trouble in paradise, huh? That didn't take long" She said, grinning slightly as she heard Yuri scoff.
"Trouble in paradise. You could call it that, I guess. It isn't with Aaron though. It's with… Y-You know what? Never mind!" Yuri said nervously, failing to give Natsuki the answer she wanted, her huffing slightly.
"Fine. You don't wanna tell me, that's your choice. At least I know it's not him that's the problem. I would have kicked his ass for you if it was" She said protectively, Yuri giggling slightly at the idea of Natsuki coming to her defense. "What?! Why are you laughing?! I'd do it, you know!"
"I know you would. Thank you. But no, he's not the problem. If anything, he's trying to fix the problem. It's… It's Sayori"
"Oh boy…" Natsuki said, guessing where this was going.
"She's not very… Not very comfortable with the idea of me… and Aaron… being together"
"Well, can you blame her? She and him have been together for, what? Their whole lives? Not a day goes by where they don't constantly beat us over the head with that fact. Yes! We get it! You're childhood friends! Please stop telling us!" Natsuki ranted, calming down slightly as she continued speaking, getting back on topic. "I mean, think about having somebody like that in your life. Having that kind of connection with someone… And then worrying about whether you'll lose them to someone else, like say… a girlfriend" She stated in a somber tone, Yuri gulping slightly in nervousness. "It'd make anyone a little uncomfortable. Jealous too, I guess. Maybe even downright angry! In her eyes, you're trying to take away a member of her family and keep him all to yourself!"
"But I'm not trying to do that. She knows this. I told her! Aaron told her! We explained this!"
"Come on. You're smarter than this. You know words only get you so far" Natsuki stated. "I mean, if words could fix all our problems, we wouldn't have to fight wars, am I right?"
"That's… not a very well made argument, Natsuki"
"I don't care! It's the argument I'm using!" Natsuki huffed. "Point is, you can say whatever you want to her. It's not going to change anything. She sees you as a threat now. Just like you see her. No way around it"
"A threat? Honestly? That's a little far fetched" Yuri stated, shooting down Natsuki's ridiculous claim… only to then remember how Sayori acted in the bathroom. Remember the way she just switched into attack mode. Turned into a wild animal for just that one split second. And the only reason why an animal attacks is because it perceives a… "H-How… How do I stop this?" Yuri asked, her tone somewhat nervous. Anxious.
"I don't know. I don't even think you can" Natsuki stated. "Like, if this is about her being afraid of losing Aaron, maybe she needs to spend more time around him and stuff. That would kinda destroy the idea of her losing him. So… maybe lay low for awhile? Keep your distance and just let the two sort it out on their own? Just… back off for a little while, you know?"
"Hmm… I think I understand now. Natsuki?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you for calling to talk to me. I think I needed that" Yuri said, gratitude in her voice. "You're a good friend" She smiled softly.
"Ye-Yeah. Yeah, I am! One of the best you're ever going to have. That's for sure" Natsuki said pridefully. "He-Hey… before you hang up, can you do a favor for me?"
"Yes, of course. What is it?" Yuri asked.
"Do you think you could maybe… stay on the phone with me a little lon-"
"Natsuki? Are you awake? Who are you talking to?" Yuri heard a voice in the background, it being hard to make out, but from what Yuri heard, it sounded like a grown man.
"Oh shit…" She heard Natsuki whisper.
"Who's that?" Yuri asked in concern, feeling as if something was wrong. "Is everything okay over there?"
"What? Ye-Yeah! Everything's great! I'm just… You know what? Never mind! I got… I got stuff to do. Homework! Yeah, homework! I-I'll call you later!" Natsuki said quietly, lowering her voice as if she were trying to avoid being heard, hanging up before Yuri could say anything, her suddenly feeling very concerned for Natsuki after she so abruptly ended the call, A worrisome look on Yuri's face as she stared at her phone's screen.
"Well… Here we are. Home sweet home" Sayori stated after opening the door, Aaron at her back as he followed her inside. "Mom! Dad! I'm home!" She announced her return loudly, only to sigh when she entered the living room, seeing it dark. Empty. Curtains closed and lights out, the entire house deathly silent, so much so that you'd be able to hear a pin drop, Sayori sighing at that. "Yeah… I didn't expect anyone to be home anyway" She said as she looked down at the wooden floor beneath her, a disappointed and somewhat saddened look on her face.
"Everything okay?" Aaron asked in concern as he approached Sayori from behind, his hand gently gripping her shoulder in support, her turning around to see him staring into her eyes.
Those eyes have changed so much over the years. Took on so many different forms over so many different occasions, Sayori remembering the times when she and Aaron were small children. Back when his eyes were filled with a childlike sense of wonder and adventure. A sort of fool hearty and naive sense of bravery and courage. They were inspiring back then. Made Sayori feel invincible. Powerful. Like she and him could take on the world and win. Like she and him could go wherever they wanted. Do whatever they wanted, and nobody could tell them no. Then again, they always felt like that back then. They were just kids, after all. And children still act as such regardless.
Sayori could also remember the day Aaron moved out of the house and into his own. Those eyes took a much… fearful turn back then, Aaron's mind overloaded and burdened by the thought of living alone. By the thought of maintaining and caring for a house. By the thought of having to care for himself from now on.
That change… Looking back, it was too early for him. He wasn't ready back then. Wasn't ready to leave. Wasn't ready to take care of himself. Wasn't ready to be alone. But… It wasn't his call to make back then. Certainly wasn't Sayori's or her parents calls either.
And now… Now look at him. Look at those eyes. Solid. Stern. Serious. Focused. A strong determination in them, these no longer being the eyes of a simple boy. No, these eyes matured. Grew. These were the eyes of a man. Indeed, it was fair to say that was what Aaron was now. A man, even if his body didn't look the part at all, it still being scrawny. Small. Puny. Weak.
Still though, it wasn't what was on the outside that Sayori cared about. That's not what she saw when she looked at him.
"Yeah. I'm fine" She said with a small yet obviously forced smile on her face as she gently pushed Aaron's hand away. "I just… I don't know what I expected different" She sighed as she walked deeper into the living room, lazily throwing her blazer onto the hardwood floor, as if she no longer cared for it.
"What do you mean by expected different? What were you expecting?" Aaron asked, a slight look of confusion on his face as he bent down to pick up Sayori's blazer, placing it on the coat rack near the door.
"N-Nothing! Nothing at all! I dunno… It's just, well, Every time I come home from school, the house is always so empty. Always quiet and boring. I just wish this place was a little more… lively. That's all. You know, like it used to be"
"You mean back when I used to live here with you?"
"Yeah… Good times" Sayori said, a small smile on her face as she recalled those days. Days long gone yet fondly remembered, Sayori sighing in contentment as she reminisced. "I remember… Everyday we came home, we'd raid the fridge and make these giant sandwiches that we never finished. You know, the ones that got Mom mad because we were wasting all the food. Then we'd just… laze around all day together. Play video games. Watch TV. Just live. But… we can't do that anymore. Not like we used to" She sighed as she looked at the floor again, her content smile replaced with a small frown.
"Because I moved out?"
"Yeah… Three years. For three years, I've been coming home alone… to an empty house. Me all by myself with nothing to do and nowhere to go. It's been like this for three years… but it feels like you only left yesterday" Sayori stated as she looked up at Aaron. "It's been so long since you left… and I'm still not used to you not being here. This place just feels so… empty without you. And that's because it is. Empty" She said as she looked at the ground, her arms crossed as she shook her head, a bitter, frustrated look on her face.
"What about your parents? They're still around, aren't they?" Aaron asked, Sayori scoffing as she picked her head up, looking directly at Aaron.
"Come on. You used to live here, remember? You know how they act" She stated. "Don't get me wrong. They're my parents. I love them. They love me. They love you too. You're like a son to them. No, you are their son. But… If they had to choose between family bonding time and their private time, what do you think they'd go with?"
"Right… I forgot that they… That… Well…"
"That they're acting like they're still newlyweds on their honeymoon? That their date night is every night? That they're more concerned with their relationship than me? Than us?"
"Hey! That's disingenuous. They love you. So what if they have a little private time every now and then? That doesn't mean your being abandoned or neglected, Sayori! You know that!" Aaron stated, getting slightly offended on Sayori's parents behalf.
"Disingenuous. Did Yuri teach you that word?" Sayori spat venomously, Aaron taking a step back at that, as if retaliating from an attack. "I'm perfectly fine with it being every now and then. But it's not every now and then. It's every night! You know this! You know how they act! They love me, yes! But… But they love each other more. I'm not neglected and I'm not abandoned… But I do feel a little ignored"
"Yeah? Well so do I" Aaron stated, a bitter look on his face as he crossed his arms, Sayori's eyes widening in realization.
"I… I'm sorry. I forgot about that" She apologized, remembering the way Aaron was treated by his own parents, them being practically nonexistent from his life since… well, birth. If anyone deserved to complain about parental neglect and abandonment, it was him. Sayori could rant and rave about whatever she wanted regarding her own family, but at the end of the day… they were still here. She still had them and they still loved her very much. Aaron though, he couldn't say the same. "I really am sorry. I… You're right. I just needed to…"
"Get that off your chest? You already used that excuse" Aaron stated.
"Yeah. Yeah, I did" Sayori sighed, her head hanging low as the bitter look on Aaron's face softened. "I don't wanna fight over this anymore. I'm going to my room. You can stay and hang out if you want. I don't mind" She said as she walked away, going up the stairs and into her bedroom, Aaron sighing as soon as he saw her leave, him pacing back and forth around the living room in anxiousness before deciding to follow her.
He felt a little guilty about that. About comparing his parents to hers. Looking back, It was wrong. While yes, Aaron's parents were much more neglectful and arguably somewhat abusive for abandoning their son, it was most likely nothing compared to what Sayori was facing. Probably wasn't even on the same level.
But… In the heat of the moment, Aaron didn't see that. Didn't understand that. He guessed he was more focused on winning the argument and shutting Sayori down, rather than trying to understand and hear her out, the bitterness he felt towards her from before having a slight sway over his actions.
Maybe Sayori wasn't being outright neglected, but if she felt that way, then she felt that way. No getting around it.
Aaron wondered if that was the root of the problem though. Wondered if that was the reason she acted the way she did. All that frustration and anger she said she felt, did it all come from this? Did it all come from the fact that her parents were ignoring her? Denying her the attention she craved? Or was it something else? Something bigger than that? Was this all just a tiny piece of something much more serious? Was this the catalyst? Or was it just one of the many straws that will eventually end up breaking her back?
"H-Hey…" Aaron greeted nervously as he cracked open the door, his head peeking into the room, only to see Sayori laying on her bed, her head looking at the door, and him expectantly, as if she waited for him to say something. "I uh… I can come in, right?" He asked, a small yet sad smile on Sayori's face as she sat up on her bed.
"Yeah, you can come in" She gave permission, Aaron sighing in relief as he opened the door fully, walking in and sitting down on Sayori's desk chair, him looking around the rather messy room, seeing articles of clothing, shirts, pants and the like strewn about the floor. Saw bags of snacks and empty soda cans laying around. Old toys and stuffed animals from her childhood laying in messy positions atop each other, all thrown into one big pile. "It'd be cleaner if you came around more, you know" Sayori said as she sat on the bed, hugging her knees tightly as she curled up into a little ball, almost as if she was trying to hide herself from something.
"That's because I used to clean it for you" Aaron chuckled, Sayori only sighing as she hugged her legs tighter, trying even harder to hide herself, as if she were embarrassed by the fact that she needed someone else's help to keep her own room, her own private space clean.
"Yeah… You did" Sayori sighed audibly. "I was going to earlier but… what's the point? Just gonna get dirty again, you know?"
"I think the point is to be clean" Aaron jabbed, a playful smile on his face, trying to show Sayori that his remark was all in good fun.
"What are you saying? I'm not clean?" Sayori asked, offended by such an accusation.
"Calm down. You're gonna hurt yourself" Aaron chuckled again as he looked off to the side, seeing the large amount of papers and folders strewn all over Sayori's desk, a majority of them being crumbled up into little balls, Aaron looking under the desk to see the same little balls of paper filling the waste bin, practically overflowing it. "You've been busy" He stated, his tone sounding somewhat impressed at the sheer amount of papers, Aaron assuming most of it to be work related. Connected to the literature club in some way or form. Sayori working overtime on writing a new poem? Or a story perhaps? Or maybe it was just idle practice.
"Busy doing what? Wasting paper?" She asked with a sigh, sounding somewhat disappointed in herself. "Don't bother reading those. They're trash. It's all trash" She glared as Aaron looked at her, confusion visible on his face.
"Having trouble writing?" He asked in concern as he uncrumpled one of the papers, slowly reading aloud one of Sayori's discarded works.
"Don't read that!" She shouted as she jumped to her feet, quickly snatching the paper away from Aaron, practically ripping it out of his hands. "Sorry! Sorry, I just… I threw those away for a reason. I told you. They're trash. Don't read them. You wouldn't… you wouldn't like them" She sighed as she held the snatched paper in her hands, crumbling it up again as she threw it out the window. "It just… It takes awhile for me to write things that are actually… good. And I mess up a little… or a lot" She sighed again. "I'm sorry. I'm just not very comfortable with my writing yet" She said as she sat back down on the bed, looking down at the ground, Aaron standing up from the desk chair and moving to sit at her side, his hand grabbing her gently by the waist, pulling her close to him. "What are you doing?" She asked as she shooed it away, looking at Aaron oddly.
"What does it look like? I'm trying to make you feel better" He stated bluntly. "Look, I don't know what's going on with you, but I can see it's really hurting you, Sayori. You're… You're like a completely different person now. Back then, you used to be all happy and smiley and stuff. Everything was sunshine and rainbows for you. But ever since I joined the club, you've just been getting more and more… gloomy, I guess. Sad. Like you've got some something hovering over you all the time. Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong" He urged, Sayori scooting away slightly, trying to put distance between herself and Aaron.
"I… I can't" She stated as she quickly turned her head to the side, looking away from Aaron, him detecting a small hint of panic in her voice, her breath becoming slightly shaky. Uneven. Frantic.
"Why? Let me guess, I just wouldn't understand, right?" He asked, Sayori's gasp of shock proving his prediction of her response correct.
"N-No! It's not that! Really, I just…" She paused after turning to face Aaron, a fearful look on her face as she just… stared at him, her mouth hanging open, her acting no better than a deer in the headlights. Paralyzed. "I… I ju- You have to… I can't…" She struggled to speak, the tone in her voice shifting from defiant and anxious to… meek. Small. Cowardly. Scared. "I…" She paused again in an attempt to breathe, only to end up sniffling and gasping for air rapidly, Sayori suddenly becoming very upset as her hands covered her face, Aaron able to hear her sobbing behind them. "I can't do it anymore!" She cried loudly, practically breaking down into tears, Aaron shocked to see such a reaction from Sayori. Shocked to see her so suddenly break down over a simple question.
"A-Are you crying? What's the matter? Why are you so upset?" He asked in concern, his voice shifting to a much more gentler tone.
"I can't do this anymore! I just… I try! I try really hard, you know! I try to force it down! I try to hide it! I try to just… fool myself into thinking I'm alright! And for the most part, it actually works. But when it comes back… The pain… I can't take it anymore!" She sobbed, collapsing onto Aaron, wrapping her arms around his torso and gripping tight. Gripping as if she were about to be ripped away. "Everything just hurts… so much"
"For the love of god, will you snap out of it?! You're not making sense!" Aaron shouted as he pulled Sayori off him, gripping her shoulders tightly as he shook her, her coming out of whatever trance or state she'd been sent into, gasping at her previous actions as she looked around the room, like she had suddenly forgotten where she was and who she was talking to, her quickly removing herself from Aaron, going so far as to walk all the way to the other side of the room in an attempt to build as much distance as possible.
"I… I'm sorry! That just… I… I lost control there for a second, but I'm back now! Well… mostly" She said as she caught a tear from under her eyes, sighing in frustration as she looked at the finger she used to wipe it away. "More crying… As if we don't have enough of that" She scoffed, suddenly taking on a bitter tone. Venomous even. "It feels like every other second, someone's crying their eyes out. Turning on the waterworks and spewing out their woe is me story for no reason. How long? How long are we going to have to sit here and watch them cry like little girls?!" She ranted in frustration.
"Well… they are little girls" Aaron stated, knowing who Sayori was talking about. "Well, not exactly little, but… They are poets too. Kinda emotional by default, you know?"
"It's pathetic"
"It's emotions, Sayori! Chemicals in our brains! Responses to stimuli. They can't control it! And by the looks of it, neither can you" Aaron said, Sayori sighing as her palm met her head, her shaking it slowly. "What was that?" Aaron asked. "What happened to you just then? Why did you just… explode and start crying?!"
"Explode? I didn't explode! Me?! Come on!" She denied immediately, Aaron's glare showing her that he was unconvinced. "It's… It's none of your business! Drop it! Now!" She tried the aggressive route after it was made obvious that denial wouldn't work, Aaron still unwavering, Sayori sighing at that. "I-I can't tell you. It's… woman stuff. You're not supposed to know about it" Now she was just outright lying.
"Bull. Shit" Aaron called out, seeing right through every move Sayori tried to pull, him knowing her and how she acted better than anyone. All those little things she's tried had been done before. Used against Aaron before. They worked back then, but not anymore. "The truth, Sayori. Please" He said as he stared her down, his expression softening slightly. Growing more gentle and sympathetic. His voice more calm and collected as Sayori sighed.
"Can see through all my tricks now, huh? You're too smart, you know that?" She said with an empty smile. A forced expression. "I knew this would have to come out eventually. I tried to hide it for as long as I could. Thought I could just cover it up and nobody would be any wiser. I… I was an idiot to think I could do it. Still am"
"You're stalling" Aaron pressed.
"Yeah… Yeah, I know I am. I'm just… this has always been my biggest fear. My worst nightmare finally coming true. This" She sighed, preparing herself. "I'm… I'm depressed" She stated, her reveal somewhat lackluster. Had no enthusiasm. No emotion. Just deadpanned. "And before you shake your head at me and roll your eyes, no. Not that kind of depression. Not the whole 'Oh, I'm just having a bad day, but I'll feel better tomorrow!' kind of depression. It's… the other one. The kind you're supposed to see doctors for. The one that makes you… think differently" She stated somberly.
"So you're… depressed?" Aaron asked, his tone sounding somewhat… unimpressed. Disappointed actually, as if he expected more. Was he still unconvinced? Still believing Sayori to be lying even though she was telling the truth? Or did he just not understand the seriousness of her condition.
"Let me guess. You're going to ask me what I have to be depressed about, right? You're going to ask me why I feel so sad and angry, even though I've been blessed with a nice house, clean clothes, 'loving' parents and a fridge full of food. I live the good life! A happy life! What reason do I have for being depressed?! Well, I wish I had the answer to that question. Because it's a question I've been asking myself for years! I just don't know! I don't know! Do you understand me?! I don't know!" Sayori shouted in frustration, Aaron able to see tears forming under her eyes as she continued her emotional rant. "I don't know why it happens or how to stop it! It just… comes and goes at random! One moment, I'm perfectly fine. Happy even! And the next… I just curl into a ball and start crying in the corner over… just the stupidest things!"
"H-How bad?" Aaron asked, his tone quiet and calm, compared to Sayori's shouting, her rant now showing him the seriousness of her condition.
"I've had thoughts. Thoughts of… You know" Sayori stated, fearful to say the word. Fearful to even think of it "Even had a dream about it once. Or… at least I think it was a dream. But I swear, it felt so real"
"You've had thoughts of… Suicide? Of killing yourself?" Aaron asked, his tone sounding practically mortified at the idea of Sayori taking her own life. "Why? Why would you think like that?" She could hear the hurt in his voice. The pain inside it. The thought of losing his best friend since childhood hurting him much harder than any punch, Sayori starting to tear up as she saw the hurt expression on his face. Saw the pain. Pain that she inflicted just by admitting this. Just by coming out and finally telling him. By doing so, she hurt him.
"I… I'm sorry!" She cried as she clung to Aaron, wrapping herself around his torso as she brought her head into his chest, her tears staining his shirt. "God, I'm so selfish! I… I never should have told you about this! I never should have let you see me like this! I shouldn't have let my guard down and let myself break down in front of you! I should have just kept everything in! Under control like I always do! Now look at what I've done! I've hurt you. I… You think less of me now. You think I'm weak! You think that I'm pathetic, don't you? Don't you?!" She shouted as she continued crying.
"Think less of you? No! I'd never…"
"How can you not? I just told you that I want to kill myself for no reason! Isn't that the very definition of weakness?! Of being pathetic?!"
"H-Hey, it's not for no reason!"
"Yes it is! You just said it yourself! All these things. These emotions. They're just chemicals in my brain! Responses to stimuli! I'm supposed to feel this way, aren't I?! Is this natural for me?! To be so sad and angry all the time?! To be so… hateful? To be so… sorrowful? Is this just the way my brain's supposed to work?"
"No! No, it's not! This is… This is something different, Sayori" Aaron said firmly as he removed her from his chest, gripping her shoulders tightly and forcing her to look at him, her seeing the serious look on his face. "Something just… happened to you. But don't worry! We can fix it! We can make you feel better again!" He stated, a sure smile on his face, practically reeking of confidence, Aaron looking as if he was in control of everything. As if he knew exactly what was best, Sayori only glaring at him for this, offended by the expression. Offended by Aaron's use of the word fix, as if Sayori were broken somehow.
She… She knew he was just trying to help and everything but, whatever Aaron was thinking of, that wasn't the answer. Wasn't the solution, as if there even was one to this. Well, there actually was, or so Sayori thought but… He'd never agree, especially after the way she acted earlier.
"No. You can't fix this. You can't fix this because there's nothing to fix. Nothing's happened to me. I'm… normal. Or at least, this is my definition of normal. I've always felt like this. I've always acted like this. This is every day for me" Sayori stated, A grim look coming to Aaron's face as she said that. "I've been like this since I was a little girl, Aaron. This has been going on for every day of every month of every years of my life. For as long as I can remember. I'm sorry I don't have a rational explanation for all this. I'm sorry I don't have a valid justification. This is just how I feel"
"N-No! You're wrong! I… I lived with you for over fifteen years, Sayori! We grew up together! I've never seen you act like this!" Aaron stated firmly, Sayori simply smiling as she shook her head.
"That's the thing. It never… It never gets that bad when you're around. I can't explain it, but being near you, it just seems to make the pain go away. Everything just feels better. Cleaner. Easier" She stated, an actual, honest to god smile coming to her face as she began recalling fond memories from her childhood. "The rain clouds don't pour down so hard when you're around. I guess… I guess that's where all my recent clinginess has been coming from. If you wanted a reason as to why. Well, there you go. I just don't wanna lose you. Because without you, there's nothing to stop the pain" She said with a sigh as she looked at the floor beneath her again, avoiding Aaron's eyes. "I already told you that I had thoughts of suicide before, right? Did you know that you're the reason I never went though with it though? I just closed my eyes and… imagined"
"Imagined what?" Aaron asked.
"Imagined what would happen after I left… After I died. I imagined you coming into my room and… finding my body. I imagined the way you'd cry and mourn over me. I imagined the grief and sadness I'd be bringing onto you and suddenly… I didn't want to go through with it anymore. You put the fear of dying back into me. Only… it's not a fear of dying…"
"It's a fear of… me finding out what you've done" Aaron stated, Sayori responding with only a single nod. "You still haven't told me why. Why do you think this is best for you? Why do you think killing yourself is the answer?"
"I don't! I-I just want everything to stop! I want the pain to stop, Aaron! I want the hurt and the sadness within me to go away! I want the anger and hate gone! I just… I just want to go to sleep and never wake up!" Sayori said, tears forming in her eyes again as she started sniffling and sobbing, another crying fit coming on. "I just… I can't… Hold me!" She shouted desperately as she latched herself onto Aaron again, him wrapping his arms around her as she did so, his hand gently trailing up and down her back in an attempt to soothe her, Aaron now being much more sympathetic to Sayori, now that he knew how bad it's gotten for her. "Just… Hold me, please. Just until I calm down. You… You always help me calm down, even if you don't know it. Just hold me. Don't let go" She begged as she tightened her grip on him.
"Wouldn't dream of it" He said softly as he held her close. Held her tight, Sayori's face buried in his shirt, her crying soon replaced by deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself. "You should have told me sooner, though. I could have helped you, Sayori" Aaron stated.
"I know… I… I was scared" Sayori admitted. "Scared of what you'd think of me once you found out. Scared that you'd end up treating me differently. Scared of being seen as some… thing that you needed to waste all your time taking care of. I still am scared. Besides, did you really need me forcing all my problems on you? Everyone else is doing it. Do I really need to add on to that?"
"Wait, what?" Aaron asked in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"The others… They forced their baggage on you, didn't they? Yuri. Natsuki. They've got their own problems and they're forcing you into them"
"How do you-?"
"I can see it in your face. You just look so… exhausted. Emotionally and physically. Besides, you told me this. In the club room after you talked about that… thing with Yuri. How she doesn't like being pitied anymore than Natsuki" Sayori stated, seeing the surprised look on Aaron's face. "So, you've been playing therapist for the rest of the club, huh? Just sitting there while they rant on and on about their problems, me included?"
"Well, I didn't intend for it to end up like that, but yeah. I guess you could say I've been playing therapist" Aaron chuckled nervously. "I just thought… maybe if they had someone to talk to, they'd feel better. Worked so well for you, didn't it?"
"Yeah…" Sayori sighed as she gripped Aaron tighter, the two just standing there, in the middle of the bedroom. Just…. holding each other until Sayori felt better.
"Do your parents know?" Aaron asked, breaking the silence before it could set in.
"Even if they did, what would they do?" Sayori asked as she finally pulled away. She didn't look any better than she already was though, Aaron's embrace most likely having no effect on her. "All they'd do is dump me in front of some quack doctor on their way to their dinner date! They'd just put me in front of some random stranger and let him poke and prod at my brain like a damned science experiment!" She shouted angrily, breathing deeply in an attempt to calm down after she saw that she was getting fired up again. "No… It's better if they don't get involved. They'd only end up making things worst. Then again… if they bothered to spend a little more time with me, things might get better" She sighed. "Can we move on from this? Talk about something else? I'm not… comfortable with this subject anymore"
"Um… Sure, I guess. But I'm a little worried about you now" Aaron stated as he looked at Sayori, seeing her move to lean against the wall with her arms crossed, a frustrated expression on her face.
"Don't worry. I'll be fine… I'm always fine. Still, nice to know you still care, even after all that's happened"
"Of course I still care. You're my sister" Aaron stated firmly, reaffirming the fact that, even though the two were on rocky ground right now, Sayori was still family to him. "Hey, I think I know what will make you feel better. You need a little distraction" He suggested, a smile coming onto his face as he thought of a way to cheer Sayori up.
"A distraction?" She asked.
"Yeah. Something to take your mind off all this depressing stuff. And I know the perfect distraction" Aaron explained as he walked over to Sayori's desk, picking up her notebook and shuffling through it till he found a blank page, pulling out a recently sharpened pencil soon after. "How about you and me write together? It can be anything. A poem or a story. We can write whatever you want. And if you get frustrated or can't think of anything, I'll help you!" He said as he sat down at the desk, intrigue on Sayori's face as she stood beside the chair, watching Aaron as he hunched over the notebook.
"I don't know about this. I-I'm not very good at writing, Aaron. And if you need evidence of that, just look around" She said, referring to all the crumpled and torn papers littering the room, all of them being rejected and discarded pieces of her work.
"Well, that's what I'm here for. I'll be your co-author!" Aaron said with a smile. "Just um… give me an idea! A premise! Set the stage and we'll start tossing ideas back and forth. Just write down whatever comes to mind. It'll be great, I promise! So, you got any ideas?"
"Well… there is this one story that I always wanted to write, but every time I try, nothing happens. I just end up wasting more paper"
"Lay it on me. Let's hear it" Aaron said enthusiastically as he hunched against the desk, ready to help Sayori with her work, him listening to nearly every word she spoke about her idea, the possibilities already swimming in Aaron's head as he started writing, setting the base before passing the pencil to Sayori, the two working together to write her story, Aaron hoping this would be more than enough to make her feel better.