A/N: First of, I want to say thank you to all of you who stick around and support me. You are greatly appreciated. Second, I want to apologize in the delay of posting this new chapter. Right after I posted chapter 39, I was busy with the holidays, and then because of reasons unknown lost a bunch of data from my drive. I had to re-write a lot, and revisit past chapters. Work is busy too, so I'm trying to write as much as I can.
I hope you like this new chapter.
Chapter 40
Tris
I am next. Fuck! I am not ready for this. Peter was right before me, and it took him nearly forty-five minutes to come out of his fear landscape. I thought going through each of my fears was bad, but now that I have to face them all at once, I feel like soiling my pants. I wish Tobias was here.
He was so sweet last night, drawing a bath for us, and just helping me relax. I was so calm and happy that I fell asleep in the tub. I woke sometime during the night and felt extremely horny. Thankfully, my husband had no problem with our impromptu lovemaking and we ended up exhausting ourselves. Unfortunately, the alarm clock rang too soon, and I had to get up. Tobias joined me in the shower, but we kept it together, seeing that I needed to hurry to be down in the Pit by eight a.m.
Tobias took the day off and decided to stay at home with Rose, waiting for me to join them once I was done. A part of me wishes I'd be done already and on my way home to my family, whilst another wishes there were a couple of more people in front of me, so that it wasn't my turn to go into the dreaded exam room.
The door opens, and Eric stands in the doorway just like he did for each and every other initiate today. He ushers me inside, and gives me a tight-lipped smile, directing me towards a reclined chair right in the middle of the room. Tori is waiting for me next to it, and I assume she will be the one to administer the fear simulation serum. I gulp as I see Max and a few Erudite watching me approach, and once again wish for Tobias to be here. I need to be brave. This is the final test before I'll be a member of Dauntless. Once I'm officially part of this faction, nothing and no one can take me away from my family.
I sit down on the chair, and only lay back when Tori gently pushes my shoulder. I give her a nervous look and she smiles at me reassuringly.
"It'll be fine. You are the strongest person I've ever met," comes Eric's voice, surprising me a little.
Ever since Tobias and I revealed to the initiates that we are husband and wife, he and Eric have spent some time together. They aren't necessarily friends, but at least they aren't enemies anymore. Eric has proven himself not only to leadership, but also to Tobias, when three initiates tried to push me into the Chasm.
It was about two weeks ago. Amar and Lauren had just posted the rankings, and it seems some people didn't like that I was in second place. The three wore masks, but I'm fairly certain Peter was one of them. Since they ran away before Eric and the compound guards could get to them, they went unpunished, but Max ordered several guards to watch all initiates, while a group of Control Room workers, along with Harrison and George led an investigation into the attack. Unfortunately, they couldn't find anything, and they couldn't just go and put all initiates under truth serum. Tobias was livid, but Eric promised that he'd watch out for me.
"Why would you do that?" Tobias had asked.
"Because, believe it or not, I'm not the bad guy here. We might have had our problems when we were initiates, but I'm past this. Besides, Tris was always nice to me, even when you were a dick. I might not be her friend, but that doesn't mean I want anything bad happening to her."
Tobias was reluctant to admit it, but Eric was right. We did get along, much better than he and Tobias, and I trusted him. My husband gave in, and promised to find out who the attackers were and kill them. Eric just dismissed him, but I knew that Tobias would keep his promise. After Tobias finally left the training room, I asked Eric to keep an eye on my husband.
"You know, I'm not so sure throwing those bastards into the Chasm would be such a bad thing," he commented.
"Just because we are Dauntless and reckless most of the times, doesn't mean we are cold-blooded killers," I argued, and he grimaced. Reluctantly, he agreed to keep an eye out for Tobias and stop him from killing the three guys who tried to kill me first.
Shaking my head off those thoughts, I look at Eric and nod my head. He then leaves, and stands somewhere behind me, while Tori prepares the injection with the serum.
"Be brave," she whispers, and I close my eyes in anticipation.
I allow the familiar darkness to surround me, while trying to calm my nerves. Tobias has already told me that while going through each fear at a time it would take me a while to realize it's just a sim, but for the fear simulation I would be aware the whole time.
I try to steady my heart beat when an image appears. It is the field outside of the fence, near a rusted, old ship. I am looking around, but like other times when I experienced this fear, I am completely alone. The croak of the black murder of crows above me alerts me that I am only seconds away from being attacked. I start running when they dive towards me, seeking out the branch that is usually on fire. Finding it, I pick it up, and try to keep the crows at a safe distance from me, taking a few steps forward until they finally fly away. The image fades, and darkness envelopes me once again.
Once I can see again, I recognize the wooden post and feel the rough rope around my wrists. Not a moment later, a fire breaks out around me, and I struggle to free myself from my restraints. Damn it! Why do I always have to end up in situations like this one? Why can't one of my fears be fluffy pillows and Dauntless cake?
Shaking my head of the ridiculous images, I concentrate on my current predicament. The voice of someone is heard and I recognize him to be Peter. Ugh! Seriously? Can't I have a fear that doesn't involve that asshole?
"It smells of burned Stiff," he snarls.
"It smells of rain," I retort, and suddenly it starts pouring, extinguishing the fire around me.
Before I can try to free myself of the rope, darkness swallows the scene, and when I can finally see again I'm trapped in that dreadful water tank. What the hell is it with me and being trapped?
Tobias thinks that it's my fear of not being in control of things, but this is ridiculous. I get it! I'm a control freak. Can we please move on?
Water is streaming in through a pipe on the floor. I start panicking, wanting to get out as soon as possible, but the more I try, the harder the glass seems to get. I try to calm myself down, remembering that one of the key variables in overcoming one's fear is to keep a clear head.
I keep my eyes closed, and listen to the steady stream of water, slowly filling the tank I'm trapped in. but then I realize, this isn't real. I am not really in a water tank. This is a simulation. I can't die inside a simulation. I won't suffocate or drown in a simulation.
I open my eyes and glare at the glass. It is the only thing between me and freedom. I tried pushing against it, but it didn't move. I tried pounding my fists against it, but it didn't even crack. Last time I was in this fear, I was wearing a jacket, but right now I'm in only a tank top and dark-colored pants. There's nothing I can take off to stuff into the pipe and stop the water from pouring in.
I try to think of something else, when a little voice in my head tells me, anew, that all of this isn't real. If this isn't a real water tank, than the glass isn't real glass, and doesn't require the same amount of power to break. That means, the glass is only as strong as my mind allows it to be.
I start a chant in my head, 'the glass will break', and start tapping a spot with my finger. At first, nothing happens, but after the third time my finger hits the smooth surface of the glass, small cracks appear. Confident that my plan will work, I keep tapping until the cracks spread all over the surface of the glass, and suddenly, it shatters into a million pieces, releasing the water inside and pushing me forward.
Before I hit the ground, darkness swallows me, and when I can see anew, I find myself in my apartment. I wonder why I am here. It is strange, though. Usually when I'm home, I feel at peace, but right now I'm anxious and apprehensive. The apartment is completely silent, so different from its usual busy hum. I know that this is a simulation, but I don't understand it. I have never faced this fear before. Realizing that this is supposed to be a fear, I stop in my tracks and wonder what exactly I'm afraid of.
"Tobias?" I call out his name, wondering if he'll be here. Even if he isn't the real Tobias, I'm sure I'll be calmer once I set eyes on my husband. But there is no sign of him.
A loud noise startles me, and I turn towards where it came from – my daughter's room. I hurry to check if she is alright, bursting into her room, but as I try to enter it, I am thrown backwards on my butt.
"Stop crying, already," I hear myself say, and look up.
In the middle of Rose's room is my little girl sitting on the floor, crying bitterly, while Simulation Me yells at her. Why the hell is she yelling at Rose? Why am I yelling at my daughter?
I try to enter the room again, but an invisible force field stops me. I scream at the top of my lungs, but neither Simulation Tris nor Simulation Rose can hear me. The door slams in my face, and I wonder if that's all this fear is about, but then the door opens again, and Simulation Tris is slapping a slightly older version of my daughter. Simulation Rose is crying again, cowering away, not much different from how Tobias used to cower from his father. At that thought, my heart constricts. Does this mean, I am like Marcus?
My question remains unanswered, as the door slams shut again, and when it opens, Simulation Rose is a teenager, maybe fifteen or so. Simulation Tris is yelling at her again, but this time Simulation Rose yells back, calling Simulation Tris a bad mother.
"I hate you!" Simulation Rose screams.
"I wish I never had you, you little bitch!" Simulation Tris yells back.
The door shuts again, and when it opens, I find my sweet girl on the floor in a pool of her own blood, while simulation Tris is holding a bloodied knife.
"NO!" I scream, and run towards Simulation Tris, breaking through the barrier, and killing her.
I crouch down and lift the lifeless body of my baby, cradling her in my arms, and promise to make it all better. I close my eyes tightly, praying that I'll never become the monster seen in this simulation.
"You are just like me, Beatrice," I hear the evil snarl of my father-in-law.
Opening my eyes, I realize I am back in Abnegation, in Marcus's house. Rose is gone, and Marcus is glaring at me, while he towers over my frail body. I am no longer the fierce Dauntless fighter I've become in these past two years, but the scared girl, who was forced to get married.
"I am nothing like you," I spit. Marcus laughs an evil laugh, making me shudder in disgust and fear. This man truly is the devil.
"Oh, yes you are. You might pretend to be better, but you are just like me. Some might even say, you are worse than I am. At least I've never killed anyone. How does it feel to know that you've killed your own daughter? You are despicable, Beatrice," he mocks, crouching down to glare at me.
For a moment, I am back to the days when Tobias and I lived in his house. I am back to the small Abnegation girl who wasn't strong enough to fight back. But I am not her anymore. I push him away from me, and, for a moment, he falls back. I stand up and glare at the man who caused more nightmares than I care to admit.
He keeps taunting me, calling me weak and unworthy, a mistake that needs to be corrected. He tries to convince me that I've killed Rose; that I am just like him, a monster without a soul, hated by everyone. But I know in my heart that I'd rather die before hurting my baby. I will never be like Marcus.
"Shut up! You are the only monster here," I yell, and swing my fist into his jaw, knocking him to the ground.
I launch myself at him, wanting to beat the shit out of him, like I wanted for so long, but darkness consumes me for a moment, before light shines into the room, revealing Tobias and Rose laying lifeless on the ground.
They are both heavily injured; blood pours out of their bodies; their eyes are wide and filled with fear, but the usual sparkle that shows they are alive and well is gone. I fall to my knees, crying desperately into my hands, trying to comprehend what happened to the two people I love most in this world. I watch as Tobias tries to say something, but his attempt is in vain, because he falls back motionless, along with our daughter. They are gone. I've lost them. I've failed them.
I will myself to look at the bodies of my husband and daughter, lifting my little girl into my arms, cursing myself for failing them. I should have protected them. I should have defended them. I should have died with them. I should have died instead of them. They are my life. They are my everything.
"My baby, I'm so sorry. Mommy loves you so much," I cry into her small, cold chest. I hold her close to me and look at the love of my life, silently praying for us to be together in the next life, hopefully without the pain and suffering we have endured in this one.
I feel a great pain in my chest as I cry my losses, but somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice – Rose – calls for me. I look up, and at a distance, I see a bright light. Inside the light is my sweet baby girl, alive and well, calling for me to come home.
Home.
There's no home without Tobias and Rose.
Home.
No. This isn't real. This is not happening. This is a simulation. I'm still in my fear landscape.
"I swear to you, I love you both so much and I will do everything to protect you. I'm coming home," is the last thing I manage to say before darkness envelopes me, and I know my fear is over. I am drained of energy and I dread the next one.
A/N: Let me know what you think.