Chapter 2
Dr. Merar tried to think about what Jarrod had told him, and he could understand a couple things solidly. Jarrod had suffered a spell of not breathing while he was ill, and he knew it. Now, he felt fine physically, but he felt as if he were somewhere he didn't belong. The doctor decided what to say and hoped Jarrod would understand it. "I think you could have suffered some slight brain damage from that fever, Jarrod. What you're describing is consistent with the brain being damaged. I wish there were something I could do for you, but time is the only thing that can heal an injury like that. Are you having any pain?"
Jarrod shook his head. "No."
"Are you light-headed at all?"
"Maybe a little foggy. Mostly just that I'm not where I belong." Then, suddenly, Jarrod smiled. "I'm not a lot of help, am I?"
Dr. Merar had to chuckle. "I don't think there's anything to worry about, so long as you don't feel a compulsion to actually go someplace else."
Jarrod shook his head. "I don't."
"Do you feel frantic or panicky in any way?"
"No," Jarrod said.
"Unhappy? Sorrowful?"
"No," Jarrod repeated. "Calm, and out of place."
"Well, let me just suggest that if you do start feeling any of those things, or if you do feel some compulsion to go somewhere unexplainable – you tell someone right away. I don't want to see you accidentally walk out in front of a wagon or off the upper edge of the stairway."
Dr. Merar stood up, and Jarrod stood, too. Dr. Merar extended his hand again, and again Jarrod looked at it like he was seeing a shadow. But he shook the doctor's hand again.
Jarrod walked Dr. Merar to the door. "I'll do that. Thanks for coming, Doctor."
Jarrod stayed in the library. Dr. Merar took a look at him as he left, and noticed that his patient was wandering over to the French door and staring through the curtain. The doctor really was worried about this, but he had been worried about something like it happening ever since Jarrod had suffered that very high fever. In a way, this was not as bad as it could have been. Dr. Merar decided that was the way he would present it to Victoria – not as bad as it could have been.
Victoria was alone in the living room, sewing at the settee. Sort of sewing. Dr. Merar came over to her, and she stood up anxiously, her face full of one question – is he all right?
Dr. Merar tried a smile. "I don't think you need to be as worried as you obviously are, Victoria," he said. "He had a very high fever and bit of a bad turn while it was happening. He's still a bit disoriented."
Victoria said, "Is this a permanent state? Is he going to straighten out again?"
Dr. Merar knew he couldn't even stretch the truth with Victoria. She always knew if he tried that. "Here's what he said to me, and here's what I think is happening."
The doctor sat her down again on the settee and sat beside her.
"He says he is feeling somewhat foggy," the doctor went on. "The way he described it is that he feels like he doesn't belong here."
"Doesn't belong here?" Victoria said.
"He feels like he should be somewhere else. And it's probably related to the spell he had while he was sick, when he stopped breathing for a few moments. He remembers that. He remembers feeling feverish and sick, and then suddenly he felt calm and contented, and then just as suddenly he felt himself being sucked back into his sickness. He believes he actually died for a moment."
Victoria was stunned. She didn't know how to take that at all.
"I've heard other doctors describe spells like that with their very ill patients," the doctor went on. "We don't really know what it is, but I think it's what has left Jarrod feeling out of place. If it is some sort of damage done to the brain by the fever or the spell of not breathing, it may improve over time. There's no treatment for it. We just have to wait to see if it improves. If it's just a feeling that Jarrod's been left with because he remembers the spell he had – well, it may not go away, but knowing your son, he will cope with it. As soon as he figures out how to do it, he will cope."
Victoria took it in. She calmly asked, "Will he be able to work as an attorney again?"
"In time, perhaps," Dr. Merar said. "I don't want you to feel like I'm saying he's always going to feel out of place like this. I think it will ease off. I just can't guarantee that. But even if the sensation doesn't go away, the chances are good that he will learn to cope with it. And yes, in time, he may very well get back to practicing law."
Victoria let it sink in. She knew the doctor was trying to make her feel better, but somehow, that wasn't happening. She just kept hearing that Jarrod didn't feel like he belonged here. How were they supposed to deal with that?
As if he understood what she was afraid of, Dr. Merar said, "Just treat him like you always have. He's your son. Whether he feels like he belongs here or not, he does belong here. Treat him that way and it will help him get better, and it will help him cope even if he isn't healing."
Victoria gave an uncomfortable smile and patted the doctor's hand. "Is there anything else we can do for him?"
"Let me know if he begins to act on these feelings that he doesn't belong here, but I don't think that's going to happen. He's not insane. He's rational. Be patient," the doctor said. "Be consoled that he doesn't feel bad. He has no pain, no depression, no ill feeling aside from feeling out of place, and that's not much, not when you consider how sick he was a couple weeks ago."
Victoria finally gave a smile. It was tough to describe what the doctor said to her family when they all were home. They listened to what she said, and then they pretty much looked at each other, not sure what to say, not sure what they'd heard. Ever blunt, Nick put it into words first. "So, he thinks he died. And he thinks he should still be dead."
"I suppose that's one way of putting it," Victoria said, shocked by the way Nick put it but yes, that was probably as accurate a way of saying it as any.
"Maybe not dead," Heath said. "Maybe just out of place?"
"That's another way of putting it," Victoria said.
"Well, he just has to get well over time," Audra said. "I mean, he's only been out of bed for a week, and he was very sick."
"Yes, he was," Victoria said. "And for a bit there, he did stop breathing."
Nobody wanted to remember that, but they all knew it was true. They were all there. They all felt the screaming panic when they thought he had died.
"What can we do for him?" Nick asked.
Victoria sighed. "The doctor says we should treat him like we always treat him, and that over time he'll either get better or he'll adjust. We only need to be concerned if he begins to act on these feelings of not belonging here, but the doctor doesn't think that will happen."
Jarrod came into the parlor from the library just then and headed for the scotch, but he didn't say anything to them. He didn't think it might have been him they were gathered to talk about, and he didn't know what to talk about himself.
As he poured a drink, Nick came over to him. "I hear the doctor came out today. How are you feeling?"
"Better than I was last week," Jarrod said. And then he stared straight ahead, out the far window. Just like he had done lately, he went off somewhere in his head, as if nobody else was there.
"Did the doctor say when you could go back to work?" Nick asked.
Jarrod took a sip of his drink and didn't answer.
"Jarrod?" Nick asked.
"Hm?" Jarrod said. "Oh, I guess when I feel up to it."
Nick gave a glance to the rest of the family and poured his own drink as Jarrod wandered off to his thinking chair. Jarrod sat down, staring into the fireplace.
Nick came away from the refreshment table. Everyone looked at each other, uncomfortably. Sitting down on the settee, Audra started to take the doctor's advice and treat him like she always did – someone who enjoyed hearing her idle chatter.
But he didn't react to it. No one was sure if he even heard it, but Audra kept it up. She didn't know that Jarrod did hear it playing at the edge of where he thought he ought to be, rather than here. She wasn't saying anything he was inclined to react to, though, so he didn't.
When Silas called them to dinner, Jarrod got up with the rest of them. Victoria took his arm, and he smiled to her as they walked into the dining room together, but once the blessing was given and they began to eat, he just ate his dinner, just like he had been doing for days.
Victoria tried to hold onto what the doctor had said – he would heal, or he would cope. But when she looked at him all she saw was emptiness, and she thought that if he didn't feel like he belonged here, he was off wherever it was he felt like he belonged. Even though the conversation continued among her other children at the table, she began to lose track of it until someone called her attention to it. She joined back in, and she tried to draw Jarrod in.
But Jarrod felt far away. The most he could muster was an occasional "Hmm." He wasn't frightened, he wasn't worried. He was calm. He just wasn't where he was supposed to be.