CHAPTER THREE: Batter Up

Walking down the avenue, Kate thinks back over the past few weeks. She's been restless, unsettled. She's looking forward to her day off. She was able to sleep in – or at least as late as one would expect when your boyfriend has surgery scheduled at 10. She'd spent the night at his place, a rare night together when neither got called into work.

They'd had a nice evening together – a simple meal, a glass of wine, good conversation. She found his descriptions of hospital life a refreshing break from the dark and cynical world she deals with every day. But he was also talking about scheduling another relief trip to Haiti next month. She admires his dedication to providing medical care in impoverished nations. But she often wonders whether he can feel that same type of dedication to her. And whether she even wants him to.

Thinking about Josh leaves her uneasy. She can't pinpoint what it is that has her second-guessing their relationship. On the surface, he's everything she wants: smart, good-looking, with a thriving career. He has managed to find success on his own terms. He knows who he is and can be very attentive when they're together. When she first met him, he didn't really register with her. Her initial impression was of someone tall and kind, with a nice smile, but forgettable. She really didn't give any thought to the man providing her with information about a witness's condition. So when he called, it took her a moment to place him. She was even more surprised when he asked her out. She wasn't looking to get involved. But his interest was flattering and he caught her in a weak moment. His obvious good looks and easy smile were appealing and she found herself agreeing to have dinner with him. He continued to seek her out on those odd nights when their schedules matched up. A few dinners out together and the chase was on.

Those first few weeks were exciting. It had been awhile since she'd allowed herself to get involved with someone and he was easy to be around. He didn't pressure her like so many others in the past. His busy schedule matched hers and he seemed to understand when she'd get called away unexpectedly for work. Before she knew it, they were seeing a lot of each other and she accidentally found herself in a relationship with him.

It took awhile before she let one thing lead to another. After being celibate for so long, her body was eager for intimacy. But she'd long since outgrown casual sex and was careful about sharing her bed with someone. Their initial fireworks boded well for their future. She had to admit that having his smoking hot body available for playtime was nice, at first. But that initial flare of desire cooled much faster than she expected. If she was being honest with herself, there was something missing. While he made all the right moves, they left her flat. She found herself retreating into her mind and her fantasies before she can respond. She just doesn't feel that heat and there's something almost clinical about his performance. Sometimes she even wonders if he's even aware of who he's in bed with.

She admits that she isn't any better. She's been using work as an excuse to avoid spending the evening with him, preferring instead to have breakfast or lunch dates. She likes his company - she just doesn't want the intimacy. On those nights when they're together, she sometimes avoids sex altogether or deploys tricks she's picked up along the way to hurry him along. He seems oblivious to her ambivalent feelings, which makes her wonder about their future. She's still holding a part of herself back, but she honestly didn't know if that would change with anyone else. Except maybe… Her mind flashes back to a different kiss that had more heat than she wants to admit. Before the thought fully forms, she suppresses it, knowing it will only lead to more questions she isn't prepared to confront. Putting her disturbing thoughts aside, Kate decides to focus on the positive for the rest of the day.

X X X

Walking through the doors of a local coffee shop, she checks the time and discovers she's a few minutes early. She's meeting her dad, but he's not there yet. By default, she orders coffee for both of them, filling the time until he arrives. He arrives just as her order is ready. Picking up the to-go cups, she walks over to him, giving him a hug along with his beverage.

"Hi Dad." With a rush of love for her dad, she grins, glad they've finally managed to carve out some time together.

Returning her hug, he gives her an extra squeeze before he responds. "Hey Katie. It's good to see you. Thanks for the coffee."

"Sure. You ready?" she asks

"Let's go." He responds with a smile, linking his arm through hers.

They make their way to the subway station together, heading to Yankee Stadium for a day game. Part of their tradition is to go to the stadium early to watch the batting practice. They both like to get lost in the experience together. It's one of the few rituals where they have always been completely at ease with each other, even during the most difficult times.

After arriving at the stadium, Kate drinks in the atmosphere. The bright green grass of the outfield contrasts sharply with the dark blue seats, dots of color interspersed throughout as other early arrivals mill about. Bright white lines intersect the reddish brown infield, snaking into the outfield, clearly demarcating the stage for the drama that will later unfold. Taking a deep breath, Kate smells freshly mown grass and the aroma of hot dogs, peanuts and popcorn mingling, immediately transporting her to other days gone by. Some of her fondest memories involve going to a game with her dad. Every once in a while, her mom would join them, although that was rare. They only managed a couple of games a year, but those hours she'd spend at the park were cherished.

They'd always arrive early, grab a hot dog and coke, before settling down in the bleachers during batting practice. If they were lucky, someone would launch a ball into their section. On a few occasions, Kate found herself with a souvenir to take home. But the best part of the games involved sitting with her dad, one on one, talking about their lives while watching the drama unfold on the field. There was something so natural about sharing with each other while watching baseball.

Today starts out like so many other times. After grabbing their hot dogs, they make their way to the bleachers. After finding a spot to sit, her dad pulls the mitts out of his backpack and passes one to her. Taking their time, they munch on their hot dogs and keep an eye on the players as batting practice continues. They've arrived a little later than usual, so most of the players are already back in the locker room. Although a few balls are hit into the bleachers, none are all that close to them. Content to laze away the time, they sit in the sunshine, relishing the cool breeze wafting their way.

After the last player hits, they watch the staff clear away all the extra equipment. Knowing they have at least another hour before the game, they stroll around the stadium, looking at all the photos and placards recounting the storied history of the team. Pictures of past players trigger memories of other games, causing them to fondly reminisce over others days like this. Content, Kate relaxes more and more. There's just something so timeless about being at a ballgame with your dad.

As the stadium starts to fill, Kate reluctantly suggests, "Maybe we should go find our seats."

"All right. I wouldn't mind sitting down for awhile. Where did you say we were sitting?" Jim responds.

"I don't really know. Castle got me the tickets when he heard me calling. Knowing him, they'll be good seats."

True to her prediction, with the help of an usher they find themselves being escorted to seats right behind the dugout, even with first base bag, about eight rows back. They're so close to the Yankee dugout they can hear the players talking to each other as they warm up before the game. Pulling out their gloves again, her dad passes Kate's glove to her.

"I guess it's a good thing we brought these." He grins. "You'll have to thank Rick for me. This is a real treat - I don't' think I've ever sat so close before. I feel like I'm part of the game!"

Reacting with the same kind of glee, Kate reaches over and spontaneously hugs her dad. "I'll let him know. He's thoughtful like that. I'm so glad we're doing this today. I miss spending time with you."

"Me, too." Jim hugs her back, content in a way he hasn't felt in ages. Sitting back, they listen in on the pre-game chatter of the team and greet others as the seats fill up. After standing for the national anthem, they settle in, excited to see the Yankees/Tigers battle it out. After the game begins, Jim starts in on another part of their tradition. "So tell me how things are going, Katie. What's going on in your life? Are you still seeing Josh?"

Knowing this conversation was inevitable, she resigns herself to his subtle inquisition as the ball game begins. "I'm still seeing him." She confirms.

"What's it been, 3 months ?" he asks"

"Actually, its closer to five now." She admits, still a little surprised by how much time has passed since she began seeing him.

"Am I going to get to meet him?" he queries, curious whether he's important enough for Kate to introduce them.

"I don't know. His schedule is pretty busy and he's thinking about another relief trip to Haiti which will take him away for a few months." She dodges his real question.

"Is he a keeper?" he probes, still trying to figure out how she really feels about him.

Giving in, she responds. "I don't know, Dad. I know we've been dating awhile, but it doesn't seem like it's been all that long."

"Well, Katie, when it's the right person, a few weeks with them can make you feel like you've known them for years." He tells her.

Thinking about his words, she realizes he isn't following her meaning. "That's not what I mean. I feel like I know a lot about Josh but sometimes I feel like he doesn't have a clue who I am. "

Sitting back quietly for a few minutes, they watch the action of the game unfold. A 2 run home run puts the Yankees ahead. Letting it ride for a few minutes, he watches the action on the field before picking up the threads of their conversation.

"I know you have a hard time opening up. I'm afraid that's partially my fault. I know I let you down after your mom died. I'd give anything to change what happened."

"No, Dad, its not that. " she interrupts, not wanting him to feel responsible. "I just….it's just….I don't know that he's the guy for me. I mean, I like him, but I feel like we're just really different people. And while I've enjoyed getting to know him, I just don't feel like he's all that interested in knowing the real me." Thinking her way through what she's saying, she realizes "It's like I fit this criteria he has of what he's looking for. But he doesn't show much interest in my work, he doesn't really want to meet the people I work with. He's content to drift. And I'm not much different. I don't really miss him that much when he's not around. I don't know, it just feels so…superficial." she finishes.

"Maybe that's your answer, Katie. You know, it's different for everyone, so I can only tell you what I know. When I met your mom, I knew right away she was the one for me. I was dazzled by her. When she was in the room, it's like everyone else just disappeared." Smiling, he thinks back to their early days.

Ruefully he admits, "It took me a long time to work up the courage to ask her out. It was probably for the best because that gave me the time to get to know her as a friend. And the more I got to know, the more I wanted to know. We took things slowly. It seemed like we were on the same wavelength. There was just this connection we had – it was electric."

Chuckling, he tells her "When I finally asked her out, she asked me what took me so long. It was just one more thing we could laugh about." Pausing, he looks Kate straight in the eye, wanting her to hear what he's saying. "I'd never experienced anything like what I felt for her, before or since. I miss her every single day. But I wouldn't give up the time I had with her for anything."

Thinking back to how her parents had been, Kate knows he's speaking the truth. Sometimes her parents were so attuned to each other that she almost felt like an outsider. But even though they made a complete unit together, they always had room for her. She missed that feeling of belonging, of pure, unconditional love.

Even though she misses her mom every day, she can think about her now without always being so sad. But there were times, like now, when she wishes she could talk to her. There were so many things over the years she wanted to ask her mom about being a woman. She felt like she had just been coming into her own when her mom was abruptly yanked away from her. Thinking how differently the conversation might be if her mom was there makes her sad. Not wanting to spoil the rest of the afternoon, she changes the subject and asks her dad about his latest class action as the game plays on.

Seeing through her, but knowing he's made his point, Jim lets her change the subject. By the eighth inning, the Yankees have the game firmly in hand, a six run lead over the Tigers. Knowing their time is coming to a close, Jim decides to stir the pot a little.

"So what's going on with Rick these days? Aside from getting us the tickets, what else has he been up to? Is he still following you around at the precinct?" Jim asks.

"Castle?" she asks, a little surprised by the topic. Smiling easily now, she tells her dad. "He's good. Same as usual. He comes in pretty regularly. Drives me crazy with his bizarre theories."

"Is he writing another book?" Jim asks, not letting her off the hook. "What was his last book, "Naked Heat?"

Geez, talk about uncomfortable. Blushing, a little off balance, she ducks her head before responding. "Yeah. He said he's almost done with the next one. They're making a movie, too. It's quite the franchise."

"Have you ever wondered if there's something there with you two?" her dad asks, knowing he's pushing his luck.

Face flaming, she immediately thinks about their kiss. How quickly that spark turned into an inferno, racing through her blood. Shrugging it off, she looks at her dad and sees a little twinkle in his eye. "Seriously, Dad?"

"Well, come on Katie. If I can't ask you, who can? Think about it. The man has written several books about you and spends his days following you around. It seems like there may be more to your unconventional partnership than you're willing to admit. It's been a couple of years now, so it's a logical question." Knowing he's pushed as far as he should, he falls silent, waiting her out.

Looking away, she watches the pitcher wind up. "I don't know, Dad. Castle and I are just friends." Remembering the kiss, and how she felt when she saw him with Gina, she amends, "It's complicated."

"It doesn't have to be Katie." He tells her. Reaching over, he gives her a one-armed hug, thinking he's said enough.

Lost in her thoughts, wondering if maybe something with Castle was still possible, she wishes life was as simple as it seems when she was watching a game with her dad.