Chapter 8

Jarrod was home before very much longer, dirty and smelling of cattle. As soon as he came in, he put his hat and gloves on the table in the foyer and came to the family in the living room. "How's McCall?" he asked.

"He'll be all right," Victoria said. "How about you? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Jarrod said. He looked very tired. He stood for a moment, looking like he was trying to figure out where to go next. "How's Nick?" he finally asked.

"Tired of being in bed," Heath said. "You know he hates being laid up."

Jarrod took a deep breath, looked around, and said, "I'll go clean up and look in on him."

"Jarrod – " Victoria said, and Jarrod stopped and looked around. "You saw the rustlers first. How did you know they were there?"

""Maybe I heard them," Jarrod said simply. "I was in the rear. Maybe I saw them. I don't know."

Jarrod took the stairs wearily, cleaned up and changed clothes before he looked in on Nick. Nick was awake, lying pretty flat but reading a book that was perched on his stomach. He looked over, saw Jarrod come in quietly, and put the book down. "Well, well," he said. "You've been a busy man today. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Jarrod said. "How are you?"

"I wish you could have found my lucky penny a lot sooner," Nick said.

"It was lying right there by the gate," Jarrod said, as if Nick should have seen it himself.

"A lucky penny probably wouldn't have kept Coco from stumbling anyway. How's McCall?"

"I haven't seen him," Jarrod said. "Mother says he's all right."

"Sit down a minute."

Jarrod pulled up a chair and sat down beside his brother's bed.

To Nick, he still looked a little bit off, a little bit distracted, but things were starting to look like he wasn't distracted at all. Nick asked, "How are you feeling?"

"All right," Jarrod said.

"Still out of sorts."

Jarrod nodded. "Hmm." He hesitated, looking just too tired.

"Still like you're somewhere else."

Jarrod nodded.

"Tell me something. What was it like to die?"

Jarrod was startled by the question. Not alarmed, but it took a moment for it to penetrate the fog. "I'm surprised nobody's asked me that yet. Maybe nobody wants to know."

"What was it like?" Nick asked again.

Jarrod looked out of the window next to Nick's bed for a moment. "Like flying might be. Light as the air. Comfortable. Nothing hurt. I didn't even care that I wasn't breathing. No worries. No pain."

"Did you want to stay dead?"

It was another startling question, one that Jarrod hadn't even asked himself yet, not directly. But now – "For a moment, yes. I wanted to stay dead."

Nick swallowed. "Maybe that's why you're having so much trouble coming back."

"Maybe," Jarrod said. "Dr. Merar said it sounded like my brain was damaged. I think that's more likely."

"That's not good to hear," Nick said.

"No, but it could heal." He grew quiet again, still looking out the window. "I'm sorry," he abruptly said.

"For what?" Nick asked.

"Being so distracted."

Nick said, "Jarrod, the past couple days have made me think you're the least distracted man I know."

Jarrod smiled. "Maybe I am. Not so many worries around me now, weighing me down."

Nick grew more curious. "What do you mean?"

"Just calm, Nick," Jarrod said. "I'm not supposed to be here with all the worries anymore. Just calm."

Nick sighed. This conversation was getting too complicated for him, and Jarrod was sounding like he had gotten into some peyote. Nick was half sorry he started this talk, but he did understand a bit more than he had.

Jarrod patted Nick lightly on the leg and got up. "Don't worry about me, Nick. Just get well," Jarrod said, and headed out the door.

Nick watched the door close, and he said, to himself, "You, too." But then he also wondered if it was fair to want Jarrod to "get well." Would he give his brother those regrets and worries and secrets to carry around again, or was Jarrod really better off without them? Maybe it was good for him to feel out of place for a while, free of all his old concerns.

And then Nick felt a startling stab of something he seldom felt at all – envy.

XXXXXXXX

Audra gave Jarrod a kiss on his freshly shaved cheek when he came down from visiting Nick. "Now you look more like Jarrod Barkley, Esquire," she said.

Jarrod smiled.

"How's Nick feeling?" Heath asked.

"He hurts," Jarrod said slowly, "but he'll be all right."

Jarrod headed for the scotch and poured one. As Audra sat down beside her on the settee, Victoria asked, "Will you go out with the herd again tomorrow?"

"Only if Heath needs me," Jarrod said.

"We're all right – we won't need you," Heath said.

Jarrod nodded and sipped his scotch. "Hmm," he said, and after a few moments of silence he said, "I'll work on a will here."

They all looked startled. Jarrod hadn't done any legal work at all for weeks, and lately he just hadn't shown any interest. He really didn't show interest now, but here he was, going to do it.

"Maybe that will help you feel better," Audra said.

"Hmm," Jarrod said.

He sat down in his thinking chair and stared into the empty fireplace, sipping and staring. Remembering the doctor said to treat him as they always had, Audra began some idle chatter about her day. Victoria and Heath listened, but Jarrod didn't seem to.

He had gone off in his mind again, but it didn't last. In just a bit he wasn't thinking about anything at all, not intentionally, anyway. He was just staring. He felt a comfort settle in, knowing that nothing really seemed to matter all that much. If he always felt like he belonged somewhere outside this place, it would be all right. If he found the world of law and business were pulling him back to who he had been before, that would be all right. Even if he had to carry around the regrets and the worries and the secrets again, that would be all right, too.

But for now, nothing much seemed to matter. He let Audra's idle chatter settle in. For now, he just let everything be.